


Hard to Find

by undertonepuncture



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Human, Background Relationships, Drug Addiction, Drugs, Fluff and Angst, Kidnapping, M/M, POV First Person, Past Relationship(s), Self-Harm, Smoking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-19
Updated: 2016-08-07
Packaged: 2018-04-05 02:17:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 185,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4161876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/undertonepuncture/pseuds/undertonepuncture
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Kaneki meets Touka's alluring younger brother, he feels compelled to help put an end to his self-destructive behavior.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Ayato

**Author's Note:**

> ...less simple au  
>  fair warning: this work will consist of addiction and self harm

"Shit, shit, shit-"

Touka had past killed the poor thing. It was crushed under the repetitive weight of her foot, innards spilling from its shell.

"I think you got it."

"Will you remove its carcass?"

I smiled at her. "Sure."

Touka had asked me over to see her new apartment. She was very excited that she was no longer in the dorms. That I could understand. I hadn't been in the dorms for over two years, but everyone on campus knew they were just horrid. They were overcrowded and dank, hardly anyone chose to live there anymore. So Touka moved to the complex outside of campus.

I picked up the corpse of the obliterated cockroach with a paper towel, disposing of it in the nearby waste bin.

"You were supposed to be impressed. Now..."

"I'm still impressed," I reassured her, looking about the apartment. It had two bathrooms and two bedrooms along with an open living area and a sufficient kitchen. There was even a balcony. "It's much nicer than my place."

"Is it?" She swept her bangs behind her ear, short of breath due to her stomping.

"Yeah. I'm surprised you can afford it," I took a seat on the couch and she followed thereafter.

"Working at that coffee shop for four years helped. I saved up a shitload of money."

"I think I'm more impressed that you find time to work and go to school."

"Well, the life insurance, too. My dad wired it to me."

I nodded, glancing to my feet. Touka's mother had died about a month ago. Car accident. It had been tragic and even brutal as she described it. She never gave me the details and I never pressed for them. I offered to attend and even drive her to the funeral, but she insisted that it was fine. That it would just be her immediate family. Not that I would know who that consisted of. Touka and I had been close friends since the end of my freshman year, but she never spoke much about herself or her family. I suppose I didn't either. Hide was usually the conversation starter.

"And now I don't have to keep sneaking Hide into my dorm. That was fun for about five minutes," she rested her feet on the coffee table and sighed.

Touka had been dating Hide for...two months now? They were very happy together and I couldn't be happier for them. But it became tiring being a third wheel. They were always very polite, inviting me to go with them to the movies or out to eat. But I didn't want to intrude on what seemed like had potential to be a date. It wasn't all that bad though, I had other friends. I just missed my best ones.

"Has Hide seen the place?"

"Yup," she smiled in remembrance. "But I know you've been feeling left out lately. So you're stuck with me tonight."

"Oh! Touka-chan, if you want to see Hide it's really no problem."

"I already saw him today. Shut up and pick a movie."

A smile washed over my face. "Fine."

I rose from the couch and walked over to the television. There were numerous DVDs scattered about in a clutter on the entertainment center, but I also noticed some games among them. Blue cases for the Playstation 4. Odd. I'd never seen Touka play, and she had shown zero interest when Hide and I used to play together. And I knew it wasn't Hide's, he was an Xbox person. To the extreme.

"Touka-chan? Is this-"

I heard the click of a door from a few meters behind me. I turned around to check its source. A boy with long dark hair crossed the living room to the kitchen. He was clad in black, gold hanging from his ears and fingers. He retrieved an iced tea from the refrigerator, sipping on it in silence. Between the jewelry and tired eyes and sharp features, he looked like a model.

"Ayato, at least introduce yourself. Jesus..."

"I think you just did for me," he gave her a bitter smile.

"Kaneki, this is my brother. He's in the other room," she pointed to the door behind her with her thumb.

"Oh," I exhaled, having not taken my eyes off of him once. "She didn't tell me she had a brother."

"Can't say I'm surprised," he shrugged. It seemed like there was more to that sentence but he never finished the thought.

"Are you at Kamii?"

"No."

I nodded, having the decency to look away as his lips curled around the bottle. But his face was burned into my mind's eye. Every line on his face was taut, his eyes clouded with purple. There was a soft sadness to them. And the sadness was infectious, I found myself frowning as I held onto and stared at the case of Grand Theft Auto V.

"Are you her new boyfriend? Where's Hide?"

"No, no," I shook my free hand, overwhelmed that he was addressing me.

"Kaneki is my friend. Like I'm ever going to let you meet Hide. You have no fucking etiquette. If Kaneki was practice you have failed," she shook her head at her brother.

A sly smile stretched his lips. "Like he'd really break up with you because of your good-for-nothing brother."

"He wouldn't," I added needlessly. Ayato glanced back at me with his dark eyes, silently questioning me as to why I was even breathing.

How old was he? Where did he even _come_ from? Why had Touka never told me about his existence? Why was he so...hauntingly beautiful?

"Well, I'll be back later," he broke the short silence and walked over to his sister, pressing a kiss to her hair. "Maybe."

I watched him as he headed for the door.

"Not too late, please," Touka reminded him. "If you're living here-"

"Yeah, yeah, I know. Not all night."

"Thank you."

"Bye, Aneki," he turned the doorknob. "Kaneki."

He spoke my name without even peering in my direction, and slipped out the door. He looked quite a bit like Touka. But there was something gaunt about his face, something mildly off. He was pale and thin, wrists like branches. Touka had always been slim, but not unhealthily so. Why would Touka keep her sibling a secret? Could there be any valid reason for that? In the two years I'd known her, I'd never once heard her even mention the name Ayato.

"...neki? Kaneki? Hello?"

"Hm?" I looked in her direction, swimming out of my muddled thoughts.

"Did you suddenly go deaf?"

"I just find it strange you've never told me you had a brother."

"Because I sort of haven't for the past two years. He was living with my dad for a time, that was a fucking bust. Then he was with my mother up until she died. He...he was in the car with her."

"Touka, fuck..."

"Don't you ever fucking tell him I told you that," she narrowed her eyes at me, making certain her words reached me. "So my father just kicked him out. Again. To say they don't get along would be an understatement. He's always been a fucking juvenile. So I have him here now. Hopefully I can teach him a thing or two about being an adult."

"Eighteen, then?"

"Yeah."

"He seems a little disjointed."

"Because he is. Come on, I don't want to talk about him. Pick a movie," she retrieved her phone from her pocket and unlocked the screen.

I pressed my lips together and turned back to the movie selection. He looked so unhappy, and now I knew why. To be present for the accident, to see his mother die and not be able to do a thing to stop it. Just the thought of that yanked at my heart strings and left me with a familiar sensation.

_Help him. He looks so miserable. You could at least try. It's not like anyone was there to help you when Mother died._

But that was none of my business. I had always been a caretaker, and Ayato looked like the last person on Earth who wanted any form of help. Maybe that's just how he wanted to appear to others...? Then again, in the two seconds that I'd known him he gave me the most frightening death stare just for simply speaking out of turn. Already I was being obsessive. So I popped a random movie into the DVD player. I then sat down beside Touka who tucked away her phone as the menu screen came up.

"Lion King? Interesting choice."

"It's a classic," I shrugged my shoulders, shirking off her questioning.

 

* * *

 

We watched a couple of more movies before Touka fell asleep. She was knocked out, mouth gaping open as she took laden breaths. I laughed at the sight and checked the time on my phone. A few hours past midnight. Strangely enough I didn't feel tired. I turned off the device and the television, picked up my jacket and made for the door. But the tumbler clicked before I could even reach for the knob. I receded as quickly as my feet would allow.

Ayato opened up the door, dragging himself inside. I stood there, stuck in my awkward stance. He looked up at me with hazy eyes and gave a few lagging blinks. "You're still here."

"I was just leaving-"

"Jesus," he nearly pushed past me and glanced down at his sister. "She always does this shit. Come on."

I watched Ayato bend and lift his sister, cradling her in his arms. He had no problem supporting her weight. She appeared to be a lifeless doll, all joints loose as he carried her to her bedroom. He returned with a sigh, shutting her door and shedding out of his jacket. He flung it onto the couch.

"It's a nice night out," he mumbled seemingly to himself, and headed for the balcony. But he was struggling with the door. Couldn't seem to slide it open. "Fucking piece of shit. It always-"

I walked over and clicked the lock for him, pulling open the door. Ayato peered up at me and frowned, our faces close. He smelt like alcohol and could hardly keep his eyes open. He muttered a sorry 'thank you' and stepped outside. I opted to follow him, watching as he retrieved a cigarette from the pack in his front pocket.

"Want one?" He spoke with the thing between his teeth, pulling out a lighter.

"No thank you."

"Then why are you here?"

His tone was very matter-of-fact, though one could interpret it as unkind. I chose not to. The small fire illuminated his face in a brilliant yellow for a brief moment. He ignited the cigarette and exhaled the excess.

"I guess I'm still surprised Touka-chan didn't tell me about you."

"Are you sure you're not fucking her?" He glanced to me, skin pallid under the moonlight. "Otherwise, why would you even care?"

"No, I'm really not-"

"Mm-hm," he interjected, sounding bored already. He took a drag of his cigarette and I felt myself sulking at his snap response.

"She's been one of my best friends for two years. I feel oddly lied to, if you must know."

"Lying by omission," he confirmed. "Still-"

"I mean, I must think that's what you _want_ to hear. You keep bringing it up."

"No," a brow arched and he tapped the ash off, floating into the darkness. "Just making sure."

"I'm not interested in her like that. And she's dating my closest friend."

"Ah," he leaned on the balcony. Below us appeared as a dark abyss, though we were only three stories high. "Well, like I said before, not that surprising."

"But why?"

"Kaneki, isn't it?"

"Yeah."

A smile played on his mouth and he turned to me, taking a step closer as he spoke. "Tell me all your deep, dark secrets, Kaneki. Because that's essentially what you're asking of me."

I watched him pull on the cigarette, billowing smoke that carried itself away. I tried my hardest not to stare at his lips. As they wrapped around the cigarette or as they blew smoke that unraveled in ribbons. His eyelids lowered even further once he realized I was staring. I couldn't tell if he was pleased or annoyed.

"I would, Ayato-kun. I just don't think you'd be all that interested."

"Right you are," he nodded once.

Of course not. Why would he be? Seemed like it'd be best to change the subject.

"Do you have any friends at the university?"

"A few."

I didn't think it'd be this difficult to have a conversation with him. With any human being, really. The majority of his answers were short and indifferent. How could I win his attention?

"Here," I reached into my pocket and handed him my phone.

Ayato stood with it frozen in his hand, exhaling smoke as his brow furrowed. "The fuck am I supposed to do with this?"

"Put your phone number in it, so I can make more pathetic attempts to speak to you."

"Alright," he shrugged, tapping at the screen. That went...smoother than I expected. I didn't ask for his phone and he didn't offer. He took another drag before handing my cell back to me. "There."

"I have to tell you, though, I don't have that many secrets."

"Good," he smiled towards the darkness and flicked his cigarette, its cherry separating and lingering in the air. "I have enough for the both of us."

 

* * *

 

Now that I actually had his number, I lost my nerve. Call or text...I felt like a fucking kid in grade school with a crush. But he must've liked me on some level to have given me his phone number. It was a bit early. Fuck it.

I found his contact 'ayato' and dialed it. My foot restlessly tapped as it rang. Actually, calling early was a poor idea. He had the darkest circles I'd ever seen in my life, and it was only 9 AM. He was definitely sleeping. And it's not like he had a class to attend. Well, it was too late now. To my surprise, it only rang twice.

" _McDonald's on 51st Street, how can I help you?_ " A woman's voice answered.

"Son of a bitch," I cursed under my breath, checking to see that I had dialed the correct contact. I did.

" _Sir-_ "

I ended the call and felt my teeth grind with a sour smile. So he had a sense of humor, then. I suppose that was a good thing. That was certainly the most creative way I'd been rejected for a phone number. But I didn't want to give up yet. I had no intention to. So I dialed a different number.

" _Hello?_ "

"Hey, Touka-chan."

" _What's up?_ " She released a rolling yawn.

"Want me to cook dinner for you and Hide tonight?"

" _Yes,_ " she groaned. " _Thank you. It's been a while since I've had a proper meal._ "

"Have Ayato-kun come, too. He looks like he could use the nourishment."

" _No promises._ "

 

* * *

  

"Smells good, Kaneki," Hide complimented, as per usual. He leaned over my shoulder at the counter. I noticed Touka poking around at the bowl of rice. My eyes instinctively rolled.

"Please, please," I shooed the two of them away. Neither of them could cook to save their lives, but always had a foot in the door when I decided to make a meal for them.

"Alright, Gordon Ramsay," Touka muttered as she drifted towards the living room.

"Is your brother coming?"

"Yeah, I told him to get his ass back by...now-ish," she answered from the couch, checking her phone.

"She only told me about him two days ago," I looked to Hide who was now leaning on the refrigerator. "You?"

"Eh, like a week or so," he scratched his head in thought. "Give or take."

"He's not all that bad," I turned my attention back to the cutting board. I remembered languid eyes and dark hair, my anxious stomach beginning to cramp at the thought of seeing him again.

"I figured-"

"I can hear you talking about me in there," Touka called.

"We're actually talking about Ayato-kun," Hide walked over to the counter. "Your mystery sibling."

"For fuck's sake, this shit again?" Hide and I exchanged glances as curse words began to dominate her vocabulary. "He's not a fucking mystery, he's-"

"I hope you're not making your tuna casserole," Ayato entered the apartment unannounced, shutting the door with his foot as he typed on his phone. I guess she didn't tell him there'd be company. It was probably the only way she could get him to show up. "It seems fine when you bite it, but once it goes down it becomes congealed in your esophagus and- oh."

Ayato's eyes met mine and I waved at him with the large chef's knife. There was nothing to them. Then he looked to Hide, blinking a few times as his brows pulled together.

"It's nice to meet you, Ayato-kun," Hide walked over to greet him with an open hand, the brightest of smiles on his face.

Ayato shook his hand and naught else. "Likewise."

"I hope you like salmon," I spoke as I began to cut the fish. "Everyone here could use a real meal. Better than that shit at McDonald's."

A smile twitched on his lips and he walked into the kitchen as Hide joined his sister on the couch.

"You seemed like the type to call early in the morning," I peered over my shoulder to watch him bend, reaching into the fridge for a drink. He had fairly long legs even though he was a good deal shorter than me. He was wearing an oversize black sweater, though it wasn't at all cold inside or outside. His hair was tied back loosely, his bangs off of his face. Meaning more of it was visible. To make matters even worse, he smiled at me again. "I knew I made the right decision."

"And you seem like the type to sleep in. I thought I could wake you at a normal time."

"What time had it been?"

"Nine."

"Jesus, I'm not even a human being at that time," he took a swig from his water bottle. "Try again later."

"I can't. I'd be calling McDonald's," I turned my attention back towards the food, putting heat on the pan. Then I felt his arm brush against mine, leaning in close to see what I was doing.

"So that's why you're doing this," luckily he kept staring at the food. "To confront me."

"Subtle, right?"

"Very," he smiled and peered up at me. "I'll give you my number if your food's any good. I need someone to cook for me. It's not good that I have McDonald's number memorized."

He pouted and I laughed at his expression. He didn't, though. I quickly cleared my laughter with a couple of awkward coughs and reached for the butter, laying down a pat. It sizzled in the heat.

"Who taught you how to cook?"

"My mother," I began to lay the fillets in the pan. "And the Food Network."

"Wish my shitty sister took some cooking lessons from our mother. I've seen her burn ramen more times than I can count," he retreated a bit and pushed himself up onto the counter, watching me.

"She was a good cook?"

"Yeah," he responded, his monotone returning. "And Arata's a chef, so it makes no sense."

"Arata?"

"Our father."

"Ah, really? My mom made amazing food, too. The perfect hamburgers. I like cooking her food because it reminds me of her."

"She's dead too, huh?" He swung his feet.

"Yup," I muttered and watched the fish.

"How'd she die?"

"Overworked."

"Oh, fuck," he winced, leaning back against the cabinets. "Sorry."

"I'm sorry about yours, too," I picked up the tongs and flipped the fish, carefully lifting each piece.

"Well, hurry up," he jumped down from the counter and began to walk off. "I'm fucking starving."

Once everything was finished cooking, I began to place the food on the table. I wasn't all too sure about Ayato's palate so I made the basics. Salmon and string beans. It was all I had in my fridge. Shopping wouldn't have been a bad idea...I hope this wouldn't be too awkward.

"Looks good, Kaneki," Hide smiled as he took his seat. Ayato lingered on the couch for a moment, tapping away on his phone.

"Ah..." Touka sighed pleasantly as she took a seat beside Hide who was at the other end of the table. "Finally, a meal that isn't frozen."

"I really need to teach you how to cook," I sat down myself, brushing my bangs off my forehead. Just now I felt the heat from the stove. And Ayato choosing to sit beside me did not help. He glanced at me before taking a piece of fish. I think he might've smiled.

"I cannot. Ayato cooks pretty well, he just never does. Fucking deadbeat," she muttered her insult, watching Hide serve her string beans.

"Truly?"

"Yeah," he shrugged at my further inquiry. "It's not rocket science. I'm just lethargic. Nice choice, Hide. I'd never be with someone who couldn't cook."

I bit my tongue as I saw him tasting the food, spooning myself some rice.

"No one is ever going to cook for you anytime soon," Touka shook her head at her brother as he passed her the platter.

"I already have this one cooking for me," he pointed at me with his chopsticks, looking in my direction thereafter and smiling. "It's really good."

"Thank you," with him smiling at me I was surprising I could even string together a coherent response.

"No problem," I felt a pressure against my leg, something brushing my calf. Fuck. Fuck, it was him. He had grazed his leg over mine a couple of times. It was intentional. I think. I didn't fucking know. I drank my water in hopes my body temperature would decrease.

"What's your major, Hide?"

I ate silently as Ayato did his 'you're-dating-my-sister' interrogation.

"Finances."

Ayato laughed at that, resounding in my ears nicely though it was meant as insolence. "What, are you going to be an accountant?"

"No," Hide also chuckled, taking another bite. "I have no idea what I want to do with my life."

"I can appreciate the candor."

Though he had a small frame, he ate pretty well. He had a small portion of everything and was going for seconds. I knew it was rude to watch him eat, but I couldn't help it. He was enjoying it and that gave me a ridiculous sense of pride.

"And yours, Kaneki?"

"Lit. Psych minor. But I think we are all familiar with Hide's dilemma."

"Well, there's always the culinary industry. You could work for our lousy father," he brought a string bean to his mouth.

"Let's try to keep it light, Ayato. Jesus."

"What? It was a serious suggestion," he gave a dramatic shrug of his shoulders. "Everyone's gonna need a job eventually. Or I could hire you to cook for me."

Sounded strangely enticing. Though I would do it free.

"Leave him alone," she hissed.

"Fine."

I certainly didn't want that. I pushed around the food on my plate, feeling less hungry the more he spoke.

"So, Kaneki tells me you two are the closest of friends," he gave Hide a condescending smile. "How close?"

"We met in grade school. Kind of inseparable after that."

"Cute," he looked back towards me, tucking a stray piece of hair behind his ear. "So who do you hang out with now? I'm guessing you don't always want to be a third wheel."

"Um," I chuckled in a poor attempt to conceal my anxiousness. "I have a few other friends. Seniors."

"Anyone I know?" He took another bite.

"Kamishiro and Tsukiyama, mostly. Sometimes Nishio."

"Ah, I know Nishiki. Giant dick."

"And who keeps your company?"

He smiled and turned back to his food. "Wouldn't you like to know?"

"I asked, didn't I?"

"Fueguchi is my best friend. She's the only one cool one, though I have a few more at Kamii."

"Oh," I exhaled. "Are you two-"

"Let me stop you there," he lifted his ringed hand at me. "I said best friend."

"Hinami would never date Ayato," Touka chimed in with a satisfied smile. "I wouldn't let her, either."

"What bullshit. I'm sitting here being fucking amicable with your main squeeze. Like anyone needs your approval."

"I'd be more concerned for Hinami's sake, not yours."

"That's certainly good to know."

The rest of the meal was mostly quiet, Touka and Hide talking about class on the other side of the table as Ayato gave me the occasional undecipherable glance.

 

* * *

 

"Join me outside," Ayato offered, placing his dishes in the sink. Well, it sounded more like a friendly demand.

"Can't you help with the dishes?"

"You and Hide already have a nice system going on," he denied his sister's request, gesturing to their assembly line. Hide was washing and Touka was drying. "Come, Kaneki."

Ayato headed for the balcony as Touka rolled her eyes at me. I followed him outdoors.

"Another nice evening," he was already exhaling smoke as I closed the door behind us. The red sun was traveling west, the sky turning a dark mixture of purple and orange. "Give me your phone."

"Give me _your_ phone."

A smirk dragged across his lips as he reached into his pocket. "Here."

I opened up his contacts and placed in my actual number. He'd better be doing the same. We exchanged our phones again.

"Ken," he noted. "That's a nice name."

"You can call me whatever you like."

That sounded much better in my head. But he laughed and flicked the ash off his cigarette before bringing it to his lips. "You're not very good at flirting, you know."

"What?" I felt hot within my skin, so I looked away from his captivating face and to the less captivating sunset. "I'm not flirting with you."

"Good. My idiot sister would not be happy about that," his eyes were still on me.

"You were the one who touched my leg under the table."

"Did I?" He snickered, his nose crinkling. "Must've been an accident."

"For some reason, I don't think so."

"I'll be sure not to touch you again."

I remained silent, my fingers tightening around the balcony's metal barrier. He giggled again, taking another hit.

"Relax, Kaneki. I'm only fucking with you. You're making it so easy for me."

"Glad I could be your entertainment," I mumbled.

"Rid yourself of that sour look," he rolled his eyes, waving me off with a flick of his wrist. "I'd say your dinner was a success. You have my number and the conversation was only mildly awkward."

"I was only aiming for the former."

"A _wild_ success, then. Hide seems like a nice enough guy. Guess that's all I can hope for."

"He's a good person, I assure you."

"It's natural not to like someone who's dating your sister."

"I could imagine. Though I wouldn't understand."

"Which is why I didn't like you initially. But I find you more appealing as the days go by."

I bit down on my lip, feeling the skin break. Ayato was clearly teasing me, and it was tiresome in an exhilarating way.

"I always found you appealing," I spoke up.

"I know. And you're not at all subtle about it."

"I didn't know I needed to be."

"My sister-"

"I want to be your friend," I told him, turning in his direction. He sighed and flicked his half-smoked cigarette.

"That's not how you make friends, Kaneki."

"We seem to be doing okay so far."

"I suppose," he shrugged. "Thank you for dinner. When I feel like cooking again you'll be the first person I call."

"Did you cook with both of your parents growing up?"

"Yeah. Arata had been a chef since he was a teenager. My mother was a waitress in his restaurant and that was that," he brushed his palms together, leaning on the balcony.

"That's a nice story."

"Is it?"

"And you and Touka are here because of it. I'd say so."

"Now you tell me something about your family. You know too much about mine."

"Fair," I chuckled, turning away from the sunset. "Never knew my father. He died when I was child. My mother worked a lot of odd jobs to support us and her sister."

"Oh? You all lived together?"

"Yeah."

"Quaint."

"Not always," I shrugged. "My aunt was a drug addict."

"Ah," he gave a rise of his brows, keeping his eyes on the horizon. "That's unfortunate."

"That's one way of putting it," his response was somewhat off-putting, and I felt myself receding.

"It enhances your life and then ruins it."

"It never enhances your life. Not really."

"I believe you're correct, psychology minor," he smiled and turned around, leaning against the balcony beside me. "People do what's easy for them. Everyone's a coward."

"So you're a misanthrope."

"To a degree."

"Not offended by that statement?"

"It takes more than snap judgments to offend me, Kaneki," he glanced up in my direction. "Especially from a stranger."

I was at a loss for words. What possible clever rebuttal could I have for that? And as he stared at me with his sleep deprived eyes, I knew there was nothing I could say. Because he was telling me to silence myself with his stare, to shut up and look at him. So I listened. I listened and we held eye contact for several moments, his eyes scanning my face.

"Cat got your tongue?"

"Yeah."

"Maybe one day you'll be able to offend me properly."

"I hadn't planned on it," I peered down towards my feet, kicking at the cement.

"Boring," he frowned, his voice dropping an octave with disappointment.

"I'd like to do the opposite."

"Oh?" He looked up at me once more, his eyes passive yet enticed. My heartbeat hindered, and I hoped my restlessness didn't show. "And what would that be?"

"...appease."

"That's certainly nice to hear," Ayato directed his eyes away and took a step forward, regressing to the door. "Something to look forward to, then. Maybe you are good at this after all."

"Really? I wasn't even trying that time."

He chuckled and turned to face me. "Well, you have my number. Don't even think about calling me before 11:30."

"I won't."

He twiddled his fingers at me and returned to the inside of the apartment. I stood outside for a moment, drinking in the air and that more than pleasant exchange. I was so...entrapped. But it didn't really matter, did it? For all I know he might be with someone else. And the last thing I needed was to be castrated by his older sister. But to have him smiling and laughing just now, I wanted to keep doing that for him. He looked like he could use it. Though I knew this was a bad idea waiting to happen, I didn't want to stop. Not in the least. I usually drifted away from those situations, but not this time. Even though Touka informed me he was bad news, I didn't care. It drew me in like a moth to a flame.


	2. Nishiki

I had taken the liberty of sleeping in, mainly because I was up all night studying for my Statistics class. I didn't think I would ever hate a class, but I suppose I found the one. So I ended up falling asleep around midnight. I took a brisk shower and headed for the coffee pot, checking my phone along the way. I had received a text message.

 _Ayato: sent at 11:34_  
_**Hello**_

_Me: sent at 11:55 **  
Good morning**_

It had been several days since he decided to give me his real phone number. I could never look at McDonald's the same way again.

_Ayato: sent at 12:08 **  
Clever...I see what u did there**_

_Ayato: sent at 12:08_  
_**I was just thinking about u**_

 _Me: sent at 12:09_  
_**Truly?**_

 _Ayato: sent at 12:11_  
_**Yeah. I need someone to take me to the store bc it's out of town. I was going to call u** _

_Me: sent at 12:11_  
_**I'll take you**_

 _Ayato: sent at 12:15_  
_**I know u will. Come get me**_

* * *

 

Everything in town was pretty much walking distance. I still had a car though, and was interested as to why his patronage took him outside of the city's perimeters. I knocked on the door of Touka's apartment, expecting to find Ayato alone. That in itself was enough to make me nervous. I heard approaching footsteps and the door opened.

"Hello," Ayato ruffled his hair with a light hand. "Come in. I just need to change."

I entered in silence, watching as he pulled his t-shirt off over his head and walked back into his room. He took his time, practically staggering back. But his skin was smooth and verging on white, just a touch of color. And the musculature that ran from his shoulders down to the small of his back was subtle yet noticeable. He wasn't as thin as his face suggested, but still significantly slim. I hung my head in shame once he disappeared into his room, disappointed that I stared the entire time. If I could help it, I'd prefer to start seeing Ayato as a friend. That'd be better for everyone involved. Well, I never _didn't_ see him as a friend. I just saw him as Touka's brother with this ethereal beauty and magnetic quality to his personality. Touka's brother who looked sad, who looked in need of someone genuine. Touka's brother who I was immediately attracted to. Touka's brother. If I had any shred of intelligence I'd keep it platonic.

"Alright, let's go," he walked out in another long sleeve and jean shorts, combat boots that ended at his ankles. With more of his flesh exposed, I could see now his skin had the quality of porcelain. One hundred bad thoughts rushed through my head, racing one another to reach my brain first. I shook them off, feeling only a lingering guilt. He walked past me, and I brought him to my car. I unlocked the doors, hopping inside. Ayato opened his door but he remained outside.

"Ayato-kun?"

He exhaled a shallow breath before running both his hands through his hair. With clear distress he squeezed his eyes shut and entered, clicking his seat belt in silence. I hadn't even considered the possibility he might have grown an aversion to automobiles due to his mother's accident. But I didn't say anything. I doubt he'd want me to.

"Do you have an aux cord?" Back to normal now, he was already observing the mediocre stereo system I had.

"No, sorry," I turned the key in the ignition and began to reverse.

"You should get one."

"I don't mind driving in silence."

"I'll bet," he snorted.

"So, where are we going?"

"To the pet store on 5th."

"Oh," I wasn't expecting that. What pet could he possibly be keeping in that apartment? I took the first left and headed towards the store. "You don't strike me as an animal person."

"Well, you'd be wrong," he glanced out the window. "I need fish food."

"Oh, what's it's name?"

"I have an aquarium of freshwater tropicals."

"That's nice," I smiled as my grip loosened on the wheel.

"I'd prefer to have one of those giant ass aquariums that go to the ceiling," he looked back in my direction. "Y'know, more room to swim."

"Well, of course. That's preferable."

"One day."

"You don't have the money for your own place?"

"I don't know if you've noticed, but my sister and I don't get along so well," he mumbled bitterly, leaning into his seat. "My mom had life insurance but she also had something set aside for me. Something just for me, and it's enough money to buy a house. But Arata gave it to my fucking sister."

"Shit," I frowned as we met a red light, braking. Now he was back to staring out the window with despondence. "That's pretty fucked up of him. But your sister just wants to take care of you. You know that."

"She said she'll give me the money when she sees I've 'matured'," he put air quotes around the word, his eyes rolling. "How fucked is that? Like I need to fucking prove something to her."

"At least it's all out of love."

"Bullshit. They just want control over me, the both of them. And I have no fucking choice," once his eyes were back on mine and he gave me a tight-lipped smile. "Out of love? You really are a sap. More so than I thought."

"Yeah, yeah," I rolled my eyes in the same fashion as he did. "It's the truth."

"Go," he gestured at the green light.

I accelerated down the street. "Maybe we can brainstorm some ways to prove your maturity."

"I don't want to play her fucking game."

"Not even if it's to move out and buy your giant aquarium?" I glanced at him and he chuckled, shaking his head.

"You make it sound enticing."

"Your fish would thank you," I pulled into a parking spot in front of the pet store.

"Thanks for taking me."

"Anytime."

"Let's go," he smiled and hopped out of the car. I followed in his speedy wake, entering the shop.

I never had pets growing up, and I'd never even been in a pet store. It was larger than I thought it'd be, separate sections for dogs, cats, rodents, fish, birds, reptiles. In my awe of the magnitude of the store, Ayato easily pulled me out of my distraction with an exclaim. He veered off to the right where the adoption center was. They had kittens.

"Ugh, a fresh batch of Himalayans."

"A fresh batch?" I laughed. "They're not cookies."

"They basically are," he nodded with certainty.

"Hi!" The girl working the adoption center noticed us loitering and decided to approach. "All of our kittens are up for adoption. Just three months old. Care to play with them?"

"Can we, Kaneki?" Ayato looked up at me. For once since the first time I met him, there was light in his eyes. It was almost childlike, an excitement I had never expected to see from him. And not just excitement, but actual _energy_. Well, I wasn't going to say no.

"Fuck, yes."

Ayato giggled and brought his hands together as the worker's eyes widened at my choice of words.

"Over here, please. We ask everyone to sanitize their hands first," Ayato and I both sanitized our hands as the girl instructed us. The employee directed us to the pen. It was fairly small, but there was enough room for us to sit down across from each other. As we waited Ayato picked up a mouse toy and swung it around by its tail. The employee placed two kittens in the pen with us. "They're male and female. Our girl here is a chocolate point and our boy is a flame point."

Both kittens had white bodies, but different colored fur sprawling across their face and creeping up their tails. One an orange shade, the other brown. I could tell they were both small enough to fit in one hand. The orange one mewed, dashing towards Ayato.

"He's a bit more playful."

"Hey, kitty," he scooped up the kitten and placed him in the hole of his lap. The kitten mewed another time, swiping and jumping for the mouse as Ayato dangled it above him. I know I had only met Ayato a little over a week ago, but I'd never seen him so elated. The constant smile plastered on his face and softened my heart markedly. There was another weak meow as the chocolate kitten rubbed up against my knee.

"Someone likes you..." He cooed as the kitten pawed at my leg, looking up at me with its wide light blue eyes. I'd always found the idea of pets appealing. I smiled at the animal and stroked her head. She purred softly and leaned into my touch. The fur on her head was soft and fuzzy.

"Good baby," I looked up to see Ayato cradling the orange, holding it to his chest and scratching it under the chin. I copied his strokes, grazing my fingers underneath her mouth. She definitely liked that, stretching her neck so I could pet her further. She mewed and jumped into my lap. She simply curled up on the floor under my legs and rested, forming herself into a little ball and leaning her head on her paws. Meanwhile Ayato was laying on the floor, the kitten jumping across his chest and stomach as he tossed the mouse. I certainly was wrong about him not being an animal person. I continued to pet the chocolate kitten as Ayato played with his, laughing and rolling around with it. His laughter was contagious, and I couldn't remember the last time I smiled so much.

He pressed a kiss to its tiny head and picked it up. We returned the kittens and said our goodbyes.

"What perfect kitties," Ayato sighed.

"I have to agree."

"Mm, Kaneki, buy him for me," he pouted and elbowed me to gain my visual attention.

"Would that I could, Ayato-kun. Our apartments don't allow pets."

"You wouldn't hide him for me?" He rose a brow and smiled.

"A perfect cat like that shouldn't be hidden from the world. A good owner will come along and treat him like a prince."

"I suppose you're right," he drug out his words and sighed. "That's a good way of thinking."

"I try."

"Come, the food's over here," he walked towards the aquatic section. We passed the rodent supplies and colorful chirping birds and spotlighted reptiles to reach the food. He knew which brand he needed, plucking it from the shelf. "Here we are."

"How many fish do you have, exactly?"

"Six."

I smiled to myself. It was very pleasing to know Ayato enjoyed animals. In fact, it brought a warmth to my chest just to reminisce in the memory of him rolling around with that kitten. I'd give anything to see him smile like that again. We headed to the checkout.

"Let me buy you lunch after this. You know, to say thank you," he slid some money to the cashier.

"If you insist."

"I do."

 

* * *

  

Ayato had taken me- or rather, I had taken him to the only pizza place back on campus. We ordered two cheese slices and he paid for them.

"You said your sister won't give you your money. You don't have to buy me pizza," I watched him sip on his soda.

"Please," he rolled his eyes at me. "Don't worry about it. I still have some and I'm okay with spending it on you. Besides, you just drove me out of town and back. This is your gas money."

"If you say so," I shrugged my shoulders and took a swig of my water.

"So, Kaneki Ken," he folded his fingers under his chin with delicacy, his smile fading. "How is life going for you?"

"Pretty okay. I do my best to concentrate solely on my schoolwork," I glanced back at Ayato, watching him press his lips together then release them slowly. Nearly every movement he made left me flustered. "Uh, when I can. Sometimes it's difficult."

"I could imagine," he dropped his hands and began to chew on his straw. "Well, actually I couldn't."

"Were you ever attending Kamii?"

"Yeah. I dropped out. I'd like to blame it on the car accident but it was way before that."

"Why'd you leave?"

"Because I wasn't even going to class anyway. It was a waste of everyone's time."

"I see..."

"You don't mind hanging out with a delinquent, do you?" He smirked, sweeping his hair off his neck.

"Delinquent? You ever been arrested?"

"A few times," he gave a nonchalant rise of his brows, turning his attention back to his straw. Ayato didn't seem to be boasting about it, but I had a feeling he thought it was cool. I'm sure his friends at the time convinced him it was.

"May I ask what for?"

"Fighting, of course."

"Really...?" In his current state, Ayato did not appear to me as a fighter. Not in the slightest. Hell, I was surprised too see he had the strength to lift Touka off the couch. I'm not sure where this weakness I'm projecting onto him is stemming from. It was something about his face, the heavy bags under his eyes. He looked tired of life, and it was a familiar sight to see. I'm unsure where I've seen a dreariness like this before, but his doleful appearance urged me to reach out to him in the first place. "I guess I didn't picture you as a fighter."

"Oh, that was all I did up until my birthday. Until I would stop going to juvie if I was arrested," he took another sip of his soda and the waitress brought us our slices.

"Well, I've read my share of martial arts books. They've come in handy."

"No way were you ever in a fight," he had paused from taking a bite of his pizza. Was it really that surprising?

"He was huge, too. But I was able to get him on the ground. It was freshman year."

"Do I know him?"

"Yamori? Wide forehead, freakishly huge?"

"Oh," he chuckled, shielding his mouth for a moment. "Jason is a friend of mine. So is his brother."

"So I guess that would be the company you keep."

"He told me about a fight he picked with this bleached-hair asshole when he was smashed. I mean, he was _fucked_ up. I'm surprised he didn't blackout."

Yeah, I could remember the incident quite vividly. It was early in the evening and I was walking back to the dorms alone. I couldn't recall why Hide wasn't with me at the time, but he wasn't. I was terrified when a six foot tall remedial student knocked my books out of my hand, stinking like alcohol and other mystery substances. But due to his size, so he was also slow. Drunk people were easy to knock off their feet, anyway.

"I don't bleach my hair," I muttered. Wouldn't be the first time I received that presumptuous comment, though. I took my first bite of the pizza, it's cheesy richness already began to settle in my stomach nicely. I didn't realize how hungry I was.

"That," he pointed at my hair. "Is not a color that occurs in nature, Ken doll. Unless you're secretly eighty years old."

"It occurs if you're stressed enough."

"And what do you have to be stressed about?"

"You and your questions."

"Ha!" He smacked the table once as I continued to eat. "That's a laugh. All you've done since we've met is ask me questions."

"You don't have to answer them."

"I know," he answered between chews, looking away from me. "Maybe I want to. Idiot."

I chuckled at his undertone insult, setting my slice of pizza back down. "Sorry for the inquisition. It happened some time after my mother died and I never bothered to dye it back."

"What a freak thing," his eyes widened as he looked at my hair. "I mean, not in a bad way. It suits you. You don't even look human."

"Thanks," I narrowed my eyes at him.

"In a good way," he took another drink from his cup, then laughed at what he had just said with a shake of his head. "If that even makes sense."

"Sure it does."

"And speaking of hair, I need to fucking cut mine."

I reached for my food again and glanced up at Ayato. His hair was a dark shade of black, so dark that when the light strikes it it reflects blue. It just barely brushed his shoulders and fell in loose waves and it was perfect. I didn't think he needed to cut it. I didn't think he needed to do a thing.

"Good hair must be a familial trait," I took a swig from my water bottle.

"I know you're not talking about Touka with her emo bangs," he combed longer strands of his hair over his right eye and grimaced like his sister.

I choked on laughter and water, feeling it glide down my chin. I covered the lower half of my face as fast as I could, cursing myself internally. Ayato found my mess all too humorous and made no attempt to hide that. He passed me a napkin in between his resounding laughter.

"Wow, that's the last time I make a joke."

"I was drinking, that's not fair," I wiped away the water, grateful he didn't tease me any further.

"Such is life," he rose a brow at me and settled in his chair. We continued to eat, though I finished my piece before he did. He taking small bites as if he wasn't that hungry. I wondered why he offered to buy me food then? It seemed like he was forcing the pizza down, each bite more nauseating than the last. He ate my dinner pretty well the other night. I wondered what the problem was. Just as I was about to ask, there was an interjection.

"Kirishima."

A familiar voice startled Ayato out of his eating, peering up to check its source. It was Nishiki, already looking tired of this interaction. Though, by his tone, it seemed more like a confrontation.

"Nishio," Ayato clicked his tongue and turned around in his chair to face him. "Really? While I'm eating?"

"With your next victim," Nishiki glanced to me and sighed before adjusting his glasses. "Get out while you can, Kaneki. Before this sorry twink bleeds you dry."

Nishiki was my friend. We weren't that close, but we got along well enough. He used to pick on me and Hide, but after I had my scrap with Yamori that was a thing of the past. He was always a bit sour, but had the decency to remain pleasant with me. Yet now as he spoke down to Ayato with disrespect and familiarity, a heat rose in my chest. I had already forgotten all about the few amicable times we had.

"What the fuck is your problem?" My face twisted with anger.

"Don't waste your breath, Kaneki," Ayato held up his ringed hand towards me without even glimpsing back in my direction. "I didn't know you got out of bed for ¥12,000, Nishio."

"I do when it's from you," he crossed his arms and smiled at Ayato. "And I was doing you a favor."

"I flipped that money in less than a week. I think you're just jealous I'm better at this than you."

"If you made my money back there should be no problem."

"I spent it."

"Gee, I wonder what on?" Nishiki glared at Ayato, viciously rubbing his nose and inhaling. "Though you're not a snorter, are you? Nah, you're hardcore, Kirishima."

"That's enough, Nishiki," my voice raised higher than I intended it to. "Fuck off already."

He then scoffed at me, smiling as if I was something pathetic. "Fine. Friday, Kirishima."

"Yeah, yeah. Go shave your fucking back in the meantime," Ayato slighted him and turned back around, huffing out hot air. It had gotten a bit loud but no one in the full establishment seemed the least bit concerned. He brushed his bangs off his face and pushed his plate away. His slice was only half-eaten.

"Finish, Ayato-kun."

"I'm not hungry," he shot a scowl at me, his midnight eyes brimming with derision. "And what was that bullshit? I don't need you defending my honor."

"Apparently you do."

"Don't do it again."

"You must not be used to people sticking up for you."

He laughed, rolling his eyes along the way. "You're right. But I'm serious. I can handle my own shit."

"What was that about anyway?"

"You have ears, don't you?"

"Yeah, but-"

"You're clearly not very savvy with this stuff," he shook his head, proceeding to lean over the table. "He fronted me some Adderall, I said I'd sell it for him. I did. Then I spent the money."

"Adderall-?"

"College kids live off that shit," he blinked at me, a confused expression washing over his face. "Like I said, less than a week."

"Why didn't you give him his money, then?"

"I spent it," he repeated.

"On what?" Though Nishiki had already given me the answer with his obvious gesture. More drugs. But he had insinuated it was for personal use rather than business.

"Kind of irrelevant, isn't it?"

"You really shouldn't be doing shit like this anyway."

"Oh, come on," he scoffed, leaning back in his chair with exhaust. "I know you're not gonna go parental on me right now."

I figured Nishiki was a drug dealer. Every time he showed up he'd seem to have an unlimited supply of weed that he was more than willing to share. But I didn't know he was selling pills, or taking in protégés for that matter.

"It really isn't anything you need to be doing. The last thing you need is to be caught with that shit and get arrested. Then tried as an adult."

"'The last thing I need'? You don't fucking know me," his brow furrowed and he sunk further into his chair. "Besides, I need to make that money back somehow."

"But you spent it."

"Why are you so concerned anyway..."

"Kind of irrelevant, isn't it?" I echoed his words.

His lips twitched with irritation as he crossed his arms over his chest. "Don't think I need a big brother."

"I'm not trying to be a brother to you."

"Of course not," he narrowed his eyes at me and gave me a vitriolic yet provocative smile, picking up his soda just to chew on the straw.

 

* * *

 

After the pizza place, I drove him home in an excruciating awkward silence. It was clear I had upset him, but I was only trying to help. He'd have to get used to it, because someone had to fucking look after him. I braked and put the car in park in my previous spot. Ayato's hand was already on the door's handle.

"Thanks for the ride."

"Of course. Look, Ayato-kun-"

"Save it," he gave a shake of his head, lifting his gaze from his lap to the windshield. "I get what you're trying to do but I don't need that, alright? You want to be my friend right?"

He glanced at me and I was frozen under his icy glare. I nodded in response.

"Then be my friend. Not my babysitter."

"Well if Nishiki is going to keep bothering you-"

"It's not your concern," his voice heightened with annoyance before running a hand through his hair. It fell back to his lap and his bony fingers convulsed. "Look, I-I'll see you later, okay? Maybe we could do this again."

"I'd like that," I frowned as I heard the tremble in his voice and witnessed the tremble of his hands.

"Good. Thanks again," he scrambled out of the car and shut the door behind him, carrying himself and his belongings up the stairs to the apartment.

I should've known acting like that with him wouldn't go over well. It was just instinctive. I didn't want anyone pestering him, Nishiki of all people. Though I kept running what he had said through my mind. _You're hardcore, Kirishima._ It left my stomach feeling like an empty pit, turning on itself. He must've meant hardcore drugs, but I already knew if I asked Ayato what he meant he'd tell me to go fuck myself. Because in reality, it wasn't any of my business. There was also the possibility Nishiki was just fucking with him. Lying. I didn't know. And it was the unknown that scared me. The unknown accompanied by the hollows of his eyes, the thinness of his face and limbs. The very image of his ringed fingers twitching in his lap convinced me that Nishiki had not been lying.


	3. Hinami

I hadn't seen much outside of my apartment for the next couple of weeks. I was working on my lit paper, well aware it needed most of my attention. And yet I couldn't get the image of Ayato's trembling hands outside of my head. It made it difficult for me to even concentrate. I wanted to ask him what that was about, demand an explanation. Maybe pretending it didn't even happen would be best for the both of us. As if that wasn't distraction enough, he sent me frequent texts. Though most of them were talking about the kittens we had met at the pet store. I always received these texts in the middle of the night while I was working. I assumed they were drunken texts. That didn't mean I didn't answer them, though.

 _Me: sent at 01:47_  
_**I hope you're not driving**_

_Ayato: sent at 01:47 **  
I don't even hav my licence...idiot**_

_Me: sent at 01:47 **  
You're walking, then?**_

_Ayato: sent at 01:48_  
_**Yes**_

 _Me: sent at 01:48_  
_**Alone?** _

_Ayato: sent at 01:52_  
_**No dad, I'm w hina**_

 _Me: sent at 01:53_  
_**Poor thing**_

 _Ayato: sent at 01:53_  
_**I am**_

I chuckled at the screen, finding myself shaking my head.

 _Me: sent at 01:53_  
_**Try and stay safe** _

_Ayato: sent at 01:55 **  
Have yu ever even had s drink in your life...**_

_Me: sent at 01:55 **  
Not in a while. I wouldn't mind drinking with you, though**_

_Ayato: sent at 01:58_  
_**So u can monitor me** _

_Me: sent at 01:59_  
_**Maybe** _

_Ayato: sent at 02:06_  
_**I miss you** _

When my phone vibrated with this text, I was surprised to find the message awaiting me. I could never tell if he was simply fucking with me or not. Then again, if he was drunk it could be the truth. I decided to respond as if it was.

 _Me: sent at 02:10_  
_**I miss you too, Ayato-kun.** _

He never responded.

 

* * *

 

"Ohoho, fuck yes!"

"I can already see coming here to work was a mistake," I muttered, striking out a spelling error I had made.

Touka was still beaming from her accomplishment. We were supposed to be working beside each other, but she decided to check her grades. She had received a high score on the exam she took last week.

"A fucking minus," she went for a high five and I obliged. Once she was done rightfully gloating I turned back to my paper. I heard her shut her laptop and sigh. "We're celebrating tonight."

"Are we?" I mumbled, having to read over my last passage.

"Yes. When's the last time you even went out with me?" She frowned, voice thick with dramatized despair.

"We went to that place downtown," I chuckled in remembrance. "You had one too many Jägerbombs with Yoriko. Hide and I found you two crying on the bathroom floor with at least three different pieces of gum in your hair."

"God, that was over a month ago," she clicked her tongue then gave a shake of my shoulder. "None of that tonight. You're coming. It'll be low key."

"I'm not sure...I'd like to finish my paper. It's due on Monday."

"Finish it tomorrow. I'm not asking."

Touka and I had this back and forth every so often. She was very absorbed with her schoolwork like myself, she just liked to take a break every now and again. I didn't really have much of an interest in going out and getting shitfaced and throwing up the next morning. But, like most of our arguments, Touka had triumphed.

 

* * *

 

The bar was not very low key. There were waves of people dancing and tripping over their feet and sucking each other's faces. I liked having a drink now and then, but not when I was surrounded with students who were beyond smashed. But as a good and defeated friend, I came for Touka.

"My treat tonight," she grinned and pulled a few bills from her pocket, sliding them over to me.

"Aren't you getting something?" I had to shout over this blaring house music.

"Hide's getting me a mojito, you better come dance with me after you've loosened up," she ruffled my hair and disappeared into the crowd.

I turned my attention back towards the bar and went to have a seat. Above and under the wooden bar there were small neon LED lights of every color. The same colors that the DJ was strobing. I looked away from the lights since they were straining my eyes. My fingers began to tap at the wood as I drowned out the music. I had three thousand words left for my essay. And I still had to type it up. If I got home early enough, I should be capable of finishing it. Then there was also my book I still hadn't finished. If I finished my paper early enough-

"What can I get you?" The bartender leaned over the bar and smiled at me, running a hand through his dark hair.

"Whiskey sour," I handed him the money.

"Coming right up."

If I finished my paper early enough I could probably squeeze another 100 pages in. No, no. Drunk reading never worked out for me. Too hard to focus my vision. And writing the final draft of my essay while intoxicated was also probably not a good idea. Well, I was already here. Might as well get as fucked up as everyone else.

The bartender placed my beverage down before me. I chugged the bitter drink, never minding the lemon or the straw. I had another one and then a beer, all within the course of ten minutes. That's why I was here, wasn't it? Though I could hardly call sitting and drinking by myself celebrating Touka's academic success. Well the music certainly started to sound better. Hell, my foot was even tapping. Without realizing it my head began to fill with hot air, leaving me lagging a bit. The lights began to streak their colors, and I was left rubbing at my eyes. I sighed and rested my cheek on my hand.

"Another sour, please," I began to chew on my previous straw. The bartender eyed me, no doubt wondering why I was ingesting my drinks at this speed and likely weighing my vulnerabilities. He was cute enough, but I couldn't say I was in the mood for that. It had been many months since I hooked up with someone. Though maybe it would be a good thing? I had only been here twenty minutes and Touka expected me to dance. Anything to get me out of that situation. As he mixed my drink, I parted my lips to talk but I heard another's voice.

"Make that three."

The voice was travelling from my right. I turned my head to see Ayato with a brunette, laughing along with her before turning to me.

"Kaneki?" His dark eyes widened once they were set on mine. Apparently all I could do was grin like an idiot in response. He muttered something to his friend before stepping closer to me. "You look so out of place."

We both laughed at the true statement. I was glad to have run into him, seeing as how I was bored out of my mind.

And he looked...good. What an understatement. His hair was pulled back high and off his neck, bangs still framing his face. He also wore a tight black long sleeve and black pants along with his boots. I don't know how he wasn't sweating under all that fabric. Naturally, he had gold posted in his ears and resting on his hands. He presented himself so nicely, I found myself staring and forgetting to speak.

"And how much have you had, Kaneki?" He leaned in as to not shout, placing his hand on my back.

"Um...this is my third?"

"You fucking lush," he shook my shoulder once. "You're here with Touka, aren't you?

I frowned and nodded. "And she wants to dance."

"Drink up," he patted my back once. "I'll be right back."

Ayato scurried off to what I assumed was the bathroom. I found his friend now sitting beside me, sipping on her drink.

"Hinami?"

"That's right," she smiled in response, turning to me. "So he has told you about me."

"Not all that much," I shrugged, my head spinning.

"Figures. And you're the guy he's always texting when we're walking home right?" Hinami pointed at me in query.

"I hope so."

She chuckled under her breath and spun around once in her stool. "You are. Yeah, I've known Ayato and Touka for a long time."

"Really?" I glanced at the drink in front of me, seeing my rippled reflection in the murky liquid. I picked up the glass. "I've only known Ayato for a few weeks. Touka didn't even tell me about him...how fucking weird is that?"

Hinami pursed her lips, swirling her drink around before taking a larger sip. I felt my brows pinch as I watched her. This only furthered my suspicions.

"Or is it not?"

"Nah. It's weird," Hinami nodded, her expression returning to its cheery norm.

"Looks like you want to say something else," I followed her example and took a gulp of my drink, shuddering as it gave me a mild burn on the way down.

"Ayato-kun's always been the black sheep, but I didn't think Touka would deny his existence."

"That's all I'm saying. It's confusing."

"They haven't gotten along for a while," Hinami shrugged her shoulders and took another sip.

So, Hinami knew Ayato for some time. I wondered what he was like when he was younger, other than his trips to juvie. He probably never went to school and started smoking in his minor years. Or what he was like before his mother's accident, or even what his mother was like. How their relationship was. Why he shook so hard that day and if what Nishiki said was true. But I would come off as a fucking creep asking his best friend that I'd just met, though. Still, the questions I had for her...

"But they're civil living together now so that's good."

I nodded in agreement. "So, how are you enjoying university, Hinami-chan?"

"I like it a lot!" She grinned and leaned in a bit. "Obviously it's going to take a little getting used to. The dorms are downright horrible but I'm getting by."

"I still have nightmares of my time in the dorms," I grimaced and lifted my glass. "My condolences."

"I appreciate that," we both took drinks.

"Any idea of what you want to do?"

"Touka's been talking about opening up a coffee shop since we were kids," she chuckled, swirling her straw. "So I'm taking a few business classes, too."

"She's mentioned that to me before. That'd be nice."

"Wouldn't it? I'd offer you free cappuccinos but it's still in the brainstorm stage."

"Hina, can I borrow your chapstick? My lips feel like they're going to fall off my face."

Suddenly Ayato was between us, holding out his begging hands. With a smile Hinami reached into her purse and handed Ayato a stick of chapstick. I resisted the excruciatingly powerful desire to watch him apply it. Instead I chugged the rest of my drink. I was good now...I couldn't possibly have-

"Another," as I was being my usual introspective self, Ayato had already finished the drink he hadn't even touched ten seconds ago. The bartender began to mix him another one.

"I'm going to go find Onee-san," Hinami announced, hopping off her stool. Ayato took her seat and turned to me.

"Do you own a shirt without a collar?"

My hands gravitated to my neck. Sure enough they found a collar. I blinked at him. "Do you own any clothes that aren't black?"

"I think I have a purple scarf somewhere. Why? Don't like the way I dress?"

"You insulted me first."

"It was a mere question. Your choice of clothing is adequate enough, I suppose," he smiled at the bartender as he set down his drink. He scooped it up and took a large gulp, hiccuping thereafter.

"When I first saw you I thought you were a model."

He laughed out loud and I cursed the music. I could barely hear him. At least I could see the white teeth that accompanied it, the flutter of his lashes. "That's funny. You are. Though I could be a good model, couldn't I? Hardly eating and doing drugs and standing in front of a camera? Doesn't sound too difficult," he took another sip.

I found myself twitching at the 'doing drugs' aspect, but I shook it off. "I support you one hundred percent."

"Thank you, Kaneki. It means a lot," he spoke with a sardonic tone and glanced towards me. There was a flash of lights from the DJ, catching his eyes. Just now I noticed the way his jaw was set tight and defined. The dark blue of his iris seemed to be overtaken by his pupil, leaving me bemused and frowning.

"Are you-"

"Ah," He finished the rest of his drink with an exclaim, giving a reactive shake of his head. Then he practically leaped out of his stool. "I know you don't want to, but we're dancing."

"No, Ayato-kun. Not only do I not want to; but I don't know how," I leaned in beside his ear. He smelt like whiskey and cherry lip balm.

"Do you think anyone in here knows how to dance?" He laughed, snatching my hand with an iron grip. His rings dug into my flesh and I winced. He wasn't concerned in the least. "Come the fuck on."

Fuck, he was so much stronger than he looked. Ayato tugged me to the edge of the dance floor where it was less thick with people. The lights were blaring and the bass was thumping and I was overwhelmed.

"I don't-"

"Just shut up, hm?" His fingers wrapped around my collar as he spoke, forcing me in closer than I was comfortable with. He was certainly on something. His eyes were scanning mine at a rapid rate, and he was biting on his lip like it was cherry candy. There wasn't a hint of kindness in his voice.

In a snap second he did a spin and began dancing. His hips and limbs moved with the music and it was fucking effortless. Just like everything else he did. I would be content just to sit back and watch him. Though my head was already starting to ache, I suppose I could do this. I'd certainly had enough to drink, and it's not like he was giving me much of a choice. So I moved my body to the best of my ability. Hopefully I didn't look like a complete asshole. He laughed once watching me, stepping closer. His arms found their way around my neck, and for a brief moment in my mind everything went silent. I could only hear my heart banging against my chest, Ayato's light breaths. And he never looked at me while he was this close. His eyes were shut, nodding along with the bass. For this moment I thought maybe I was just a husk to him, something to dance against. I was fine with that.

His knee kneaded between my thighs before turning, grating his waist against mine. Shit. I couldn't do this for very long. And the alcohol only heightened my sensations, the pressure of his body. But the alcohol was singeing through my veins, and I wasn't going to simply ignore this. He had had the upper hand for far too long. I found his waist, pulling him in closer with a tug of my hands. I heard his gasp even with the music pounding against my skull. His gasp faded into light laughter, his head falling onto my shoulder. He ran his fingers through my hair once as he resumed his movements. I felt the numbness growing in my hips as he twisted his, my grip growing tighter.

Ayato gave one last swipe of his waist before turning back around, falling against my shoulder as the song ended. I held the small of his back as he kept his balance on my person. He felt limp.

"Ayato-kun?"

"I think I'm going to throw up," he spoke directly into my ear, though I can barely hear his waning voice.

"Where's the bathroom? I'll take you-"

"No- outside. I need air," he pushed his weight back onto his own feet.

I waded through the sea of bodies and brought Ayato back through the entrance. He instantly staggered back into my arms, clutching the cloth at my chest. "Well...this is embarrassing..."

"Was I that bad?" I asked, wrapping my arm around his shoulder.

He chuckled under his breath, his voice a rasp now. "You're good."

"I had a good partner."

"What a fucking charmer you are," he winced, shuddering against me. I rubbed his back and eased us to the wall. I leaned against the bricks and he sighed into my chest.

"Idiot," he cursed himself. "Never fucking mix!"

"What exactly did you ingest tonight?"

"Um...three shots of Bailey's, God that shit's fucking delicious- two beers, a line, two more shots, a fatter line, then the whiskey sours," he counted with his fingers. I sighed at the boy tucked underneath my arm. Cocaine, then. Keep it light with him...I didn't want to upset him again.

"No wonder you're writhing. Do you do coke often?"

"No. It was leftover so I figured I'd finish it...whenever I mix it with alcohol I get this feeling I'm being fucking held underwater," his hand tightened around my shirt.

I was mildly concerned at best. He said he didn't do it often, and I suppose I was drunk enough to believe him. Though there was no point in scolding him about it right now. But I could scold him about drinking his weight in whiskey. "You're so small. You didn't need those last two whiskey sours."

"-fuck up," he hiccuped again, his words slurring even further. "I told you not to act like a parent."

"Don't drink so much next time, Ayato-chan," I cooed, squeezing his shoulder.

He looked up at me with his dilated eyes. "Call me that again. See what happens."

"There you are."

Nishiki approached the two of us against the wall, holding his arms out in a friendly greeting. No doubt he was here to fucking pester Ayato. And I was already filled to the brim with liquid courage. He'd fuck off if he knew what was good for him.

"I've been looking for you, Kirishima. What's the matter, had too much?"

"Nishio, I may feel like death right now but that won't stop me from kicking your ass," he shivered underneath my arm again. "Fucking beat it."

"It's been over two weeks, I've been really nice about this. You know, considering."

"Go away, Nishiki. He's obviously sick."

"Just stay out of this, Kaneki," his eyes behind the frames darted to mine, fed up with the both of us. "He owes me money and I'm going to get it back, one way or another."

"And what the fuck does that mean?" I eased Ayato off my shoulder without taking my eyes off Nishiki. He hit the wall and groaned. "You're gonna go whore him out? Have him panhandle? Pawn jewelry?"

"I think I like the sound of the first option," he gave me a smug grin, placing his hands on his hips.

"You fucking asshole," I spat, feeling my words slew from my mouth. If I had to look at this prick for one more second I was going to end up doing something stupid and out of character. So with my shaky hands I fumbled for my wallet, retrieving it from my pocket. I pulled out the yen Ayato owed him and threw it in Nishiki's direction. The bills fluttered to the ground. "There. Now piss off."

"Hey, thanks, Kaneki," he marveled with glee, picking up the money off of the sidewalk with one sweep of his hand. "Guess you've finally found yourself a sugar daddy, Kirishima."

"I'm going to gut you..." He mumbled, his head rolling against the bricks. Nishiki had already returned to the inside of the bar.

"You're not doing much of anything."

"You...why would you do that? I told you it wasn't your fucking concern, you fuck," it was admirable that he was still trying to sound intimidating.

"Yeah, you're welcome. Now it's no one's concern."

"Now I have to pay _you_ back," he leaned forward, his hands clutching his knees. "Why would you-"

"You don't have to pay me back."

"Yes I do!" He shouted, though it hit my ear like a whine. "I can't be owing you anything."

"Ayato-kun, it's not a big deal. I wanted him to leave you alone."

"You're so stupid," he flung his arm at me. I'm not sure if it was a gesture or an attempted swing.

"You're drunk. I'll take you home."

"I'm not that sick, I'm just drunk, you asshole-"

"Exactly," I hoisted him up.

"No, I meant I'm not that drunk-"

"I know what you meant. Come on."

Ayato protested most of the walk back but eventually gave in so he could latch onto my arm.

 

* * *

 

He was capable of unlocking the door, nearly falling his way into the apartment.

"Jesus," I caught him by his arm, pulling him upright yet again. He gazed at me with those hazy eyes of his and smiled.

"Let's dance some more."

"You're definitely done for the evening."

"You didn't like it?" He pouted, cocking his head to the side.

"That's not what I said-"

Ayato spun and pressed his waist again mine yet again, sighing. Only he didn't move, he just stood there. Still as a statue. I rested my head on his shoulder, the silken strands of his hair skimming my cheek. His breathing hastened as my hands did as they pleased, reaching for his waist. I eased my fingers up the hem of his shirt and brushed my thumb against his distinguished hip bone. His skin was unthinkably soft.

"What are you doing?" His voice cracked like a whip. I pulled my hands and body away, my fingers feeling as if they had touched a raging fire. "You think you can prey on me now because I'm drunk?"

"N-No! That's not it," Ayato turned around and faced me, his hair swaying. He pressed his lips into a tight line, his entire face reading disappointment. "I'm sorry! I really am. I'm drunk too and I wasn't thinking- I just wanted-"

He burst into laughter, cutting my pathetic apology with lighthearted chortles. My heart was racing, and I was beats away from having a fucking aneurysm. In that split second I thought he hated me for touching him, and I wanted to cease my existence. "Dick," I muttered under my breath, laying my hand over my heart. It felt like it was going to split open my breastplate.

"Well, yeah," his laughter slowed. "That face of yours was priceless."

The face where I thought I was the worst person in the world? Yeah, I'd think so.

"Keep this up and I'm never dancing with you again," my hand fell from my chest. I took a step forward towards him.

"Don't threaten me."

"Hopefully your sister didn't see..."

"Hopefully she did," he turned away, heading for his room. Why on Earth would he want that? Did he want her to murder me slowly? It'd certainly be entertaining for him. "Come see the fish."

I followed his beckon, walking into his room. You couldn't paint the walls here, so they remained a dark beige. But they were painted with drawings, of different sizes and subjects. They looked to be mostly ink work. I briefly took my eyes off the wall, looking about his messy room. There was clothes strewn about, his bed unmade. The desk shoved into the corner had papers scattered all over with different pencils and quills. So they were _his_ drawings. My eyes drifted back to the walls. The drawings were stylized and intricate. One caught my eye of a man seated with dark liquid dripping from his eyes and fingertips. The lining had incredible execution, the composure something unique.

"Ayato-kun? Are these...yours?"

"Hm? Yeah."

I looked to another that was a naked woman, a tiger's head placed over hers. More blood. Nearly every piece was inherently dark, haunting in the same manner.

"These are so good!"

"I told you to come look at my fish. Not ogle my stuff."

"Oh, fuck off," I wove him off and looked at the unfinished pieces on his desk. "You know you want my praise."

"You're right! Thank you Kaneki-san!" He dramatically cheered, walking over and slamming his palm over the sketches. The utensils jumped with his hit. "You can't look at these. They're unfinished."

"Fine, fine..." I backed off. "Didn't take you for an artist."

"Or someone who likes animals. Tell me, what do you take me for? A fucking model?"

"It's not my fault I was blinded by your staggering good looks," I blinked at him, hardly believing these words were leaving my mouth. The whiskey was speaking for me.

"Yeah, I guess you're right," he walked over to the aquarium by the right of the door. It had its own stand, and was a fairly large tank. It had slow changing lights and faux coral and six fish swimming happily, just like he said. But only six for this size tank seemed scarce.

"You can fit about thirty more in here."

"I know," he reached for the food he had purchased the other day and popped open the cap. "But I don't want them overcrowded like in the fucking pet store. It's heinous."

Ayato sprinkled some food into the tank and we watched the fish rush towards the flakes. One didn't get any, a tiny yellow fish with brilliant orange fins.

"Poor runt," he spoke gently, dropping in a few extra flakes for it.

"You're a good fish parent. Did you have a lot of pets growing up?"

"Nah," he set the food down and gazed at the fish. "Well, actually, me and Touka found this injured bird once. Our parents let us keep it and nurse it back to health."

I could even imagine the Ayato I know now taking care of a sick bird, having seen his face light up at the thought of playing with kittens. And to think of a younger version getting along with his sister...it brought a wide smile to my lips and lifted my spirits a bit. Though I didn't forget my concerns for him in the back of my mind. It was a quiet thing, just a whisper. A reminder.

"That's really fucking cute."

"Of course the only shitty part was hunting for worms," he shook his head with disgust. "I let Touka take care of that part. Not one for getting dirty."

"Ah," I nodded and watched the fish swim in circles.

"Don't look so disappointed," he teased, pulling the tie from his hair. His dark locks cascaded down, slightly bent from being held together. He shook out his hair and sighed. "But I've always had fish. The only animal Arata trusted me with. Fucking asshole. Like I'd ever hurt an animal."

That was painful to hear. Especially when I was constantly witnessing the joy animals brought Ayato. Being rejected for having a pet just because he was a violent kid was clearly very upsetting for him if he was bringing it up now. I remained silent, unsure what to say that could be comforting.

"Shit...I was supposed to walk home with Hinami. Fuck."

"I'm sure Touka-chan will take her home."

"Wouldn't be the first time I've disappeared on her. She's gonna be pissed," I pressed my lips together in thought. That didn't sound very good. "I'm a shitty friend. I don't know how she puts up with me."

"I don't think you're shitty."

"That's because you've known me less than a month. We'll see how long that lasts. She's a good friend, though. She's always taken care of me. If you didn't pay off Nishiki she probably would've behind my back."

"Really?"

"Yeah," he chuckled. "She hates when I get into trouble. That's another reason why we're together so much. I refrain from doing stupid shit when I'm with her."

"She lets you snort drugs in the bathroom, though."

"She didn't know," he rolled his eyes, his voice thickening with vexation. "And she must like you because she left me with you. Feel special."

I wasn't aware that anyone on this planet could even have control or influence over Ayato. It seemed like something impossible. He was so impulsive and volatile, it was calming to hear that there was someone positive in his life. Someone he allowed to let in. I hoped he would do the same with me, but I didn't have high expectations. Once I snapped out of my thoughts Ayato had already collapsed onto his bed, yawning.

"Here, help," he held out his feet. I sighed and sat on the floor before him, unzipping his boots and pulling them off.

"Thank you," he mumbled with his eyes shut, nearly half asleep already. His slow hand unfastened his jeans and pulled them down, kicking them off his ankles. He was wearing black boxer briefs that hugged his hips perfectly and I shouldn't be fucking looking. I smacked my cheek once and watched as his breathing steadied. It was nice to see him so peaceful and still. Refreshing, almost. I wish I could fall asleep that easily. Since I had no desire to walk all the way home, I curled up on the carpet, staring up at Ayato's drawings until sleep came to me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk why my aus usually consist of ayato dancing but here we are


	4. Shuu

I woke up with a thundering pain, my head feeling as if it was about to split open. Pushing myself upward, I remembered where I had slept.

"Wanna shower?" Ayato had startled me right out of my dozed state, standing before me with wet hair. He was squeezing the water from it with a towel, only sweatpants around his waist. My eyes drifted down his narrow torso and I rubbed at my eyes.

"How are you so fucking spry right now..." I criticized his unusual demeanor, clutching at my hair.

"I don't get hangovers."

"I don't get _you_."

"Last time I checked, being cranky was my job. I was just being courteous."

"I know, I know," I gave a slight shake of my head, my brain rattling within my skull. "I'm sorry. I do want to take one."

"Well, go ahead. Or do you need me to hold your hand?"

"I wouldn't mind."

He chuckled, draping the towel over his pale shoulders. "Get the fuck out of here."

I pushed myself to my feet and hauled myself to his bathroom. Oddly enough, it was cleaner than his bedroom. Every container seemed to be in its proper place, lined up almost meticulously on the counter. I shut the door and turned on the water, shedding out of my clothes. I didn't even wait for it to turn hot. The cold water hit my skin and smacked my nerves awake. I shuddered, feeling a bit better already. Once my hair was damp enough I reached for the shampoo bottle. I popped open the cap and took an inhale. It smelt like him, fresh and distinctive and almost fiery. Then I realized I was smelling his toiletries and quickly washed out my hair. When I exited the bathroom I could see Ayato was tucked under his covers again, scrolling away on his phone.

"Do you have a shirt I can borrow? It would appear I spilled on myself some time last night..." I had put the shirt back on to find a considerable dark liquor stain over the breast pocket.

"You really think we're the same size?" He peered up from the screen.

"I know you have something a couple sizes bigger."

He sighed and exited from the covers, already wrapped in a sweater. He headed for his dresser and began shuffling through his clothes. "This should fit," he tossed a black shirt in my direction. I held it open to see it was a band t-shirt with the logo faded off.

"Thank you," I draped it over my forearm and unbuttoned my shirt as he headed back towards his bed. As I peeled off the fabric I heard him chuckle.

"Woah, Kaneki. Ripped much?"

"What?" I turned at the sound of his voice. He was seated on his bed, a smile on his lips.

"Is that what you've been hiding under all those billowy shirts?"

"Oh," he was blatantly staring at my body and my skin began to flush with blood. "I exercise often."

"Clearly," he dug his teeth into his bottom lip, eyes travelling my chest, arms and torso. His dark eyes met mine again. "Alright, I'm done. You can put that on now."

I pulled the shirt over my head and heard Ayato flop back on the bed. I walked over and sat down beside him.

"Shockingly enough, I didn't blackout last night. I know you paid Nishio off. You shouldn't have done that," he kept his eyes on the ceiling.

I had suspected he would start up with this. I never expected a grateful thank you, but I expected a little more than this. All I did was help him, and that was the problem. Ayato had grown used to taking care of himself, and I'm sure he took this as a threat. Anyone undermining his ability to take care of himself and handle his own problems was explicitly insulting him. What a ridiculous outlook to have.

"Don't you get it? Now I owe you. It's a fucking cycle," he draped his hand over his eyes.

"You don't owe me money," I assured him. "But since I did pay him, I'd ask that you don't buy drugs anymore. Certainly not to sell."

"Of course you do."

"Well, come on, Ayato-kun. You said you needed money but you spent what you made. And you said you want the money from your sister. You're not proving that you're ready for it by selling ADHD pills."

"Everything's a fucking lecture with you. And like I said, I don't need a babysitter. I'm capable of handling my own shit," he removed his hand and looked up at me, his eyes a bit more alert than usual.

"I only want to help."

"I think you've helped enough, Kaneki."

"Ayato-"

"Just go. I want to go back to sleep," he shifted, sitting up and placing himself back under the covers. He turned on his side and faced the wall.

"Sorry I give a shit, Ayato-kun."

"Me too."

The urge I had to leave him with a touch...to his hair shoulder and neck. Yet he already knew I wanted to be there for him, and he couldn't be more opposed to the idea. What was so horrible about having someone who cares about you? I wanted to understand, but I couldn't.

I exited his room, leaving my shirt behind. It was already fucking ruined so I'd leave him with it. As I shut his door I heard the click of Touka's door from across the living room. I peered up to see Hide, holding his shoes and a hangover as well. But his eyes widened with stupefaction when he saw me.

"Kaneki...? I didn't know you were here."

"I should probably be leaving," I mumbled, heading for the front door.

"Want to get coffee?" Hide asked, slipping on his shoes.

"Yes."

 

* * *

 

Hide and I both ordered large cappuccinos to go and took them to a bench on campus. It was a bench underneath a large sakura tree, and I came here to read whenever I could. A sip of my coffee and the sun on my skin was enough to take my raging headache away. But Hide had been sitting in silence for some time and that alone was enough to worry me.

"So..."

"You're being awfully quiet, Hide. It's weird."

"My head is pounding," he whined, grabbing at a tuft of his yellow hair. "But I don't know if I should ask or not."

"Ask what?"

"You coming out of Ayato-kun's room this morning," his stared at me with adamant brown eyes, as if that should've been obvious.

"Oh! No-"

"I mean, I can pretend I didn't see that," he snickered. "I can also pretend that you're not wearing one of his shirts. And I can also _also_ pretend I didn't see your hardcore grinding last night."

"Jesus," I shielded my face with my free hand, feeling my skin simmer underneath.

"He's very cute."

"Yeah," I lifted my head. Cute doesn't even begin to describe how I saw him. Calling him cute was like calling the ocean damp.

"Touka-chan has been talking about him more. She must be worried because now that they live together, he's her responsibility."

"He's certain he can take care of himself."

"He certainly took care of you," Hide chuckled under his breath, sipping his coffee.

"Hide!"

"What?! You set me up for that one-"

"Nothing happened last night. He only gave me a shirt because I spilled my drink. I slept on the floor," of course, I didn't have an explanation for the dancing. That wouldn't have happened if I was sober.

"Oh..." He almost sounded disappointed. "Here I was thinking you would be good for him."

"Why is that...?"

"Well, he got you to dance. That's something," he laughed once, but it quickly dissipated at he stared downward and fiddled with the top of his cup. "You looked happy to be around him, that's all."

"That doesn't sound like all of it, Hide," he was holding something back. We both took a sip of our coffee in silence. I peered up at the sakura overhead. The pink blossoms carried the breeze, traveling west. I shut my eyes from the beautiful sight. How could anyone possibly understand the pain Ayato was going through? All he needed to do was open up a bit, and then I could be there for him. I wanted him to look and feel vital and happy instead of tired and antipathetic. "I am attracted to him but I don't even care about that. Me, I...I could help him."

"Those were my thoughts," he spoke softly.

"I hate to see him looking sad, so exhausted all the time. When we're together I feel like I bring out the life in him and vice versa. Fuck, that sounds stupid..."

"No it doesn't."

"I won't get my hopes up for anything romantic. Right now I'm just content with his company. I also don't want Touka-chan to kill me."

"She's scared he's a loose cannon," Hide explained, shifting in his seat before taking another sip. "That one day something will happen that'll set him off and he'll get arrested again. And go to actual jail, not juvie."

"I won't let that happen. I know I'm not with him 24/7, but in time maybe I could have an influence on him."

"Who knows? He can hardly stand anyone."

And that made me smile, giving me another impractical sense of accomplishment. I sighed and touched the fabric at my chest. "He stands me quite well."

"Touka-chan's noticed, too. She says the extent of their conversations is usually about you."

"Really?" My heart had skipped a beat or two at the thought of that. "What does he say?"

"I'm not sure. She's not one to go into details."

"Oh," I exhaled my fleeting excitement.

"Only that she's happy to see him make suitable friends. That you two get along."

"We do well enough..." I didn't want to push him away in the slightest. So I didn't press on the topic of his occasional and recreational drug use. And I didn't want to tell him what to do with his life, per se, I only wanted him to stay healthy. And out of jail. With an inhale of the floral air I changed the topic. "So? How are you and Touka-chan?"

"Good, good," Hide nodded as I sipped on my coffee. He sighed dramatically and leaned on my shoulder. "Though I do wish she still worked at the café. For the discounted coffee and her cute uniform."

"It was certainly flattering."

"Speaking of flatterers..."

"Kaneki-kun!"

Immediately, I recognized the melodic voice that called out to me.

"Good morning, Tsukiyama-san," I smiled up at him, against the sun. He stood before Hide and I on the bench, dressed in his bright summer colors. He folded his slender hands together.

"Hello to you too, Hide-kun. I have a proposal for you two."

"This isn't one of your dinner parties, is it?" Hide asked, feigning distaste to the mere thought.

"No, no, it is," Tsukiyama nodded and grinned. "And both of you must come."

Shuu always had these parties every two months or so, where he gathered over thirty people for a mildly extravagant meal. I actually enjoyed them quite a bit, namely for the food.

"You two know the dress code. Hide-kun, bring Touka-chan."

"I will. Though I think Kaneki is going to be a plus one as well," Hide pointed in my direction.

"Oh?" Shuu's brows rose and twitched, now gazing at me and waiting for an answer.

"I've befriended Touka-chan's brother. Though I doubt he'll want to come to something like this..."

"Well, you have to bring him! Especially if you'd enjoy yourself even more, Kaneki-kun," Shuu forced a smile. "Saturday at sundown. Try not to be late."

He gave us a small wave and walked back off in the same direction. I sighed and turned to Hide.

"Ayato-kun is not going to want to come and you know it."

"Convince him," Hide grinned. "Like how he convinced you how to dance. I think I know his secret, though."

 

* * *

 

_"Hello?"_

"Hey, Ayato-kun. What're you doing?"

_"About to go get something to eat with Hina. What's up?"_

"I was invited to this party on Saturday. Would you like to come with me?"

_"Saturday, huh? What kind of party-"_

At his words Hinami began talking in the background. If she knew Tsukiyama she was certainly invited. He asked everyone to come, even acquaintances.

 _"Dinner party? Fuck that,"_ I wasn't sure which one of us he was speaking to. _"How pompous. Thanks for the invite, but no."_

"There's really good food, and I don't want to go alone. It'd be much better if you were there."

 _"Obviously,"_ he chuckled. _"Hina says there's a dress code? I don't own a shirt with a collar."_

"Buy one."

 _"I guess I can wear the suit from my mother's funeral,"_ his voice was oddly chipper for a subject that was so morbid. _"Fine. I'll come. But I'm not happy about it."_

"Sure you're not. See you on Saturday."

 

* * *

 

Black tie. Shuu thought you had to be dressed nicely to truly savor and appreciate the meal. It was ridiculous but no one bothered to argue. I only had one suit, and it was for this kind of thing and job interviews if need be. It was a charcoal pinstripe, and I was surprised it actually still fit. I'd had it for three years now, I bought it for Shuu's first party. Well, he bought it for me, actually. I slipped the tie around my neck and fastened it. I also combed my hair for once, it kind of tamed itself a bit, but not much. I looked decent enough.

Touka opened the door to her apartment, coated in a long black dress. There was a silver necklace around her throat that sparkled and caught my eye.

"Touka-chan, you look beautiful."

"Ah, thank you, Kaneki. You'll probably be the hottest one there. You're sure the dress isn't too much?" She held out her lean arms and looked down at herself as I stepped into the apartment.

"No, it's perfect," I eyed her and rubbed my chin comically. "If I was straight..."

Then there was a sting where she had slapped me upside the head.

"Ow."

"Hinami and Hide are waiting outside. Have Ayato hurry up, will you? Make sure you lock up," she walked past me and shut the door behind her.

Just as I took a step to go knock on his door, it opened and he stepped out. Ayato was wearing a suit as well, something I had never expected to see. His shirt underneath was black and collared, the first couple of buttons undone. He had his hair tied back again, a few messy loose strands escaped. Instead of gold he was wearing silver, and he looked tired as ever. In fact, he looked asleep. But once I took a step towards him his eyes widened.

"Kaneki, you look so good. Nice stripes."

"I..." Exhaling, I looked at Ayato. Beautiful. He looked beautiful and I wouldn't dare say it. "...I can't think of a proper adjective."

His lips curled into a smile. "Let me know when you do. I can't believe you're dragging me to this..."

"But look how nicely you clean up. Besides, aren't you hungry?"

"Of course. I've hardly eaten anything all day. I just don't see why I need the monkey suit," he sighed and peered down at his outfit, combing his fingers through his bangs.

"You look stellar, honestly."

"But you always think that," he held a pitiful eye contact with me as he spoke.

"I do," I muttered.

"Obviously you look better than good, but you know that. I'll let you use your imagination as to what adjective I would use."

He carried himself past me and out the door.

 

* * *

 

"Shit," Ayato whispered under his breath as we knocked on Tsukiyama's door. The apartment complex was huge to say the least, and far from the campus.

"Yeah, Tsukiyama-san has old money," I remarked. "Pretty nice here."

"There is a nice view," Ayato commented while glancing at me. At what point in time did he decide to flirt with me so intensely? My cheeks felt ablaze as the door opened. Tsukiyama stood behind it dressed in a purple suit patterned with diamonds.

"Ah, bonjour, beautiful people! Come in."

Already the place was packed, soft and loud conversing over classical music. Shuu gazed at Touka and was taken aback, placing his hand over his chest.

"Touka, you look-"

"Save it. Just show me the cheese and alcohol."

"Warm as ever," he grinned and directed her towards the wine. Hide and Hinami went along with her inside.

"You must be Touka-chan's brother," Tsukiyama extended his hand towards Ayato.

"Ayato."

"Well aren't you gorgeous? Just like your sister," Tsukiyama gave him a thin smile as Ayato chuckled in response, shaking his hand. "Less cold, I hope."

"No, not really," Ayato answered with his coldest of stares and Tsukiyama only smiled wider. By now, Tsukiyama was beyond unaffected by the genetic Kirishima antagonism.

"And Kaneki-" When Tsukiyama looked upon me he dramatically cupped his face in one hand, purple eyes nearly bulging out of his skull. "You continue to kill me slowly."

Ayato and I stepped inside together.

"Maybe one day he'll actually give you a heart attack."

I sighed at Ayato's comment. He knew the man for one whole minute and was already throwing out insults.

"I'm waiting for that day, but hopefully its cause won't be from staring," Tsukiyama smirked at me before trotting off. "Go on, mingle."

"You didn't fuck him, did you?" Ayato hissed, peering up at me. Abashed, I looked back at the boy. His eyes were half-lidded, the pools of purple underneath deeper than ever. Not to mention his sclera was veined with an opaque red. He blinked in a haze and I thought he might collapse at any moment. Along with his exhaustion, there was indignation. His jaw was clenched so tight I thought it might snap off of his skull.

"No," I shook my head, attempting to reassure him. "Not for his lack of effort."

He gave an irritated roll of his eyes before releasing a shaky exhale. "Let's just find the alcohol."

Ayato was pissed off, I could see that. But it stemmed from nowhere. Or was it from Tsukiyama's flirting? Hell, I had to deal with Shuu's outward affection on a daily basis. I didn't understand why that would anger him. Nothing had ever happened between us, and I told Ayato that. It felt strangely possessive, and I was unsure whether to be flattered or annoyed. Maybe a bit of both. Because from day one Ayato has done nothing but toy with the emotions I had for him, emotions that I was very clear about. He treated them as if they were some sort of joke. Okay. I was annoyed. Not flattered in the least.

"You like wine?"

"Let me guess: you don't take me for a wine connoisseur?"

"Not with the way you were chugging that whiskey."

"I fucking hate it. Clearly there's some secret about wine I'm not in on. Or everyone is just acting like they like it. Either way- I'm drinking tonight," He headed towards the wine table and I followed in his wake.

The way Ayato appeared tonight, I couldn't guess even what he had taken. I myself didn't know too much about drugs. But it left a nervous tick in my stomach, scratching at me from the inside. I looked up at the large wall of white, attempting to focus on the decor. It was very white. All the furniture was. Even the floors were a light hardwood. But it wasn't too bright inside. There were only bulbs of color on, yellow lamps and strings of purple Christmas lights. At the cheese and wine table we found Hinami, Hide and Touka. They all had their drinks, and Ayato was already pouring glasses for the two of us. He handed me the small glass in silence, noticing the crackers. They had brie smeared upon them with a sprig of parsley. He nibbled on one of them as I picked one up myself. I saw his eyes light up in his epiphany provoked by the cuisine and watched him shove a few more into his mouth.

"You're really putting those away," I commented after a taste of the red wine. It was bitter as hell. Wasn't too fond of the stuff myself.

"They're pretty good," he answered with a full mouth, crumbs falling onto his jacket.

"Jeez," I brushed the crumbs off his lapel. "You really don't belong here."

Though I was teasing him I was relieved to see he had an appetite again.

"I know," he shook his head and took a sip of his wine. He exclaimed with revulsion and shuddered with his personal disgust. "What a glorious evening. Wine, _and_ spending time with my sister. My two absolute favorites."

I glanced at the other side of the table, watching Touka twist Hinami's hair in her fingers. Hinami giggled and waved at me as she saw me observing.

"Try and have fun," I answered as I waved back. "Looks like everyone else is."

"I feel pretty alright," he gave me a few more lagging blinks. "Hopefully the food will be out soon."

"Tsukiyama-san definitely won't serve until he's seen you mingle."

"We're mingling, aren't we?" He took a larger gulp of his wine and repressed a gag.

"Make acquaintances."

"But all I want is standing right in front of me."

His statement hit me like a hail of arrows, and I found myself looking away. At the floor at the ceiling at the guests anything but his drained and impaired aspect. I took a few chugs of the wine and set the empty glass back down on the table. Why was he doing this?

"Did I upset you?" He asked with a meek voice, his fingers circling the rim of his glass. I picked up the bottle and poured myself a larger portion. Though the alcohol appeared to be running scarce. That's a shame. I was going to need it if he was going to continue.

"I just know you're bullshitting me."

"How do you know?"

"Because you're-"

"Kaneki-kun!"

A shrill voice called out my name, and I checked to see who was approaching me. It was Rize, running over as her purple locks flowed behind her. She was dressed in a short black dress, a dark red shade painted on her lips. She threw her arms around me and I returned the embrace. I suppose that's where all the wine went.

"Ah...Rize is drunk already. I guess it's officially a party," my smile grew as she rolled her eyes at me.

"Shut up, Snow White. God, you look sexy."

"It must be the stripes," Ayato murmured to me and laughed into another cracker.

"And who are you?" Her lilac eyes widened behind their frames as she turned to Ayato.

"My little brother," Once I blinked Touka had already rested her elbow on Ayato's shoulder.

Rize smacked her red lips together in interest, eyeing him shamelessly. "He's-"

"You stay away from him, Kamishiro," Touka narrowed her dark eyes at Rize. Seeing them beside each other made me shiver. It was unusual to see them in such close proximity, but it wasn't even that. They had so many facial similarities. "I won't let you take the last drop of innocence remaining in him."

"Don't worry, Rize-san," Ayato smirked in Rize's direction. "I have absolutely no innocence left."

"That's good to hear. Touka-chan, where have you been hiding him?" Rize whined, leaning forward a bit. "You're legal, I hope."

I sighed, certain this was retaliation for Shuu complimenting me. But I grew tired of watching this interaction. So I walked back over towards Hide as Ayato continued to flirt with Rize for Touka and I's chagrin. He wanted a reaction, and he certainly wasn't going to get it from me.

"Rize's drunk," Hide sighed, allowing his head to loll back against the wall.

"That's how you know it's a party," a shorter boy beside him added. Before I could introduce myself Rize was already taking up the area's volume with her raucous voice.

"And I fucking hate wine," Rize cried. "It's insipid. SHUU! Where's the hard liquor?!"

"You seem to be doing fine on the wine, Rize," Touka added from across the table.

"You're boring me, Touka-chan," she showed Touka her tongue and forcibly took her brother's hand. "I'm going to steal your brother now."

"Fine, do away with him," Touka shooed them away.

I wasn't too worried as Rize pulled him away. He looked too fucking spaced to be hooking up with anybody, and he was complaining about his boredom anyway.

"Come, Hina," Touka walked over and did what Rize did to Ayato, tugging her in a different direction. "I need to wash my hands after that interaction."

I turned back towards the stranger Hide had been chatting with. He was a bit younger, or at least appeared that way. I couldn't decipher his age. He had white hair styled with red bobby pins, and was wearing...slippers. Slippers and suspenders, only a blazer thrown over his collared shirt. I don't believe he fit the dress code. I wondered why Shuu even let him through the door.

"Kaneki," I smiled, giving him an introduction.

"Juuzou."

"I don't think I've seen you on campus."

He shrugged and leaned back against the wall. "Wouldn't think you have. Art major. So we're not really in the same area."

"Oh, really?" My brows piqued with interest. "How is the art program?"

"Good. Vigorous. Mostly traditional stuff, but I'm glad I got in," Juuzou nodded along with his answer, swirling his full glass of wine.

I didn't realize Kamii had an art program. A good one, at that. If drawing was more than just a hobby for Ayato, it could be a perfect fit for him. And attending school again would be productive for him, even if he refused to admit it. I'd ask him later, after he came down. As I pondered, the music halted.

"Everyone! If you'd take your seats, please," Tsukiyama announced as he tapped a wine glass with silverware, though it wasn't necessary. He was loud enough as it is.

Bodies began to migrate towards the dining room. I went to take a step towards the table but I felt a weak tug on my sleeve.

"She is one high-energy drunk," Ayato exhaled a heavy sigh, letting go of my jacket once we were beside each other again.

"She didn't take any of your no-innocence, did she?" I grimaced as we walked to the dining room.

"Not for her lack of effort," he replied sardonically, narrowing his eyes in vexation.

I shook my head at his infantilism as we took our seats at the long dining table. It was covered in an ivory tablecloth, China for each guest, and small fake candles that glowed a hint of purple. Touka sat next to me and Hide beside her. Juuzou found his seat beside Ayato, who was on my other side. Rize continued to babble away at the far end of the table.

"Fucking fancy..." Ayato already began to fiddle with the glistening forks, his gaze vacant.

Waiters clad in white suits flooded the room, emerging from the the kitchen. They each placed small plates on top of the larger China before us. Ayato continued to look dazzled by the showmanship.

"Our appetizer- seared tuna with a pepper crust and red chili sauce."

"This is like, barely cooked," a girl from the far end of the table called to Tsukiyama, nearly interrupting his announcement. An ignorant move. She must've been a first-timer. I looked down at the plate. It was only seared on the outside, a thin crust of herbs. That's how you should cook tuna, anyway.

"You _fool,_ Rei! This is the proper way to eat. You'll eat it and like it," he waved her off. "Bon appétit!"

Tsukiyama took his seat and everyone's forks began to clink. I started at the first piece, popping it into my mouth. It was delicious, the heat simmering on my tongue. I looked to tell Ayato and his plate was already cleaned.

"Damn."

Ayato gave me a mischievous smile, taking yet another sip of his wine.

"It's good, isn't it? That's the only reason I come here." Juuzou spoke to me from across the Ayato barrier.

"We certainly know it's not for your social graces, Suzuya-kun," Tsukiyama teased from across the table. The entire room boomed with laughter.

Suzuya gave him an audible, bestial growl. Tsukiyama groaned in displeasure and went back to savoring his food. This was a bit spicy for a first course, my mouth already started to burn. I sipped on my wine, which was running low. Once I noted that a waiter came and poured me more.

"Thank you," I tipped my head at the waiter.

"How do you like it, Kaneki-kun?"

"It's delicious. Spicy."

"I figured everyone's palate could use some waking up," Tsukiyama smiled, leaning his cheek against his hand that held his fork. "And you, Ayato-kun?"

"It's hot, alright," he answered with a smirk, leaving Tsukiyama flushed and surprised.

Touka groaned beside me, and I had a similar internal reaction. I was biting my lip so hard I could taste my blood. Must he incessantly flirt with every human that drew breath?

The waiters placed the second course before us, pulling me from my distraction.

"Tonight's entree: pan-seared duck with roasted potatoes and lemon-glazed vegetables."

"Duck? Seriously?" The same girl called again. Tsukiyama might end up killing her.

"Rei, I swear to Christ..."

I looked down at the food again. Next to the tiny potatoes, carrots and asparagus was the duck. It's skin was seared and crisp, the lemon sauced spooned around the plate. I picked up my utensils, and watched as Ayato stabbed a potato.

"Odd," I mumbled.

"Hm?" He spoke as he chewed, not looking in my direction.

"Your appetite. It really fluctuates."

"Aren't you observant?" He responded as I cut into the meat. It was perfectly cooked, steam rolling out. "Don't tell me I'm underweight. I already know."

"No, I think you're a perfect size. You still have to cook for me, you know."

"This doesn't have enough salt," he muttered, ignoring my compliment and statement.

"I agree. Maybe Rei will ask for salt and Tsukiyama will shove a fork through her eye."

"Some blood would make tonight more interesting."

Everyone finished in ten or so minutes, and I was already feeling full. But the waiters returned in their usual prompt manner and placed another plate before us.

"Tonight's dessert is baklava served with a spiced whip cream. Enjoy!"

To make individual pockets of baklava for this amount of people must've taken forever. Tsukiyama was certainly consistent in quality. I cut into the crunchy phyllo and savored the nutty dessert. That's when I felt Ayato's hand on my leg, touching my knee. I pretended as if this contact didn't leave me reeling. I guess he woke of out bed this morning and decided today was the day to torture me.

"You don't like it?" I asked him casually.

"I hate nuts," Ayato murmured in response, scooping some whip cream up on his finger. He brought it to his mouth, and I watched his lips close around his finger. His index remained for a bit too long, sucking long after the whipped cream was gone. He removed his finger with a pull, exposing the lower row of his white teeth. My vile thoughts returned, silently screaming in my head.

"Here," he picked up some more and offered it to me. I stared at the dollop of cream on his fingertip. His fucking sister was sitting right next to me. And I wanted to say no. I wanted to say no in front of all these people, I did, but I couldn't. Not when he was staring me down with eyes that reminded me I didn't want to. I opened my mouth slightly and he placed his finger on my tongue, the sweetness dissolving in my mouth. I felt another sweetness as he squeezed my thigh with gentle pressure. He smiled at me, satisfied I was in his grasp yet again.

I removed his hand from my leg, my cheeks and ears already burning hot from doing something sleazy like that in front of this crowd of people. Though I was sure no one saw. They were all talking, eating dessert. I wasn't too worried about it. And Touka was beside me, at an angle where she couldn't have seen. Still, just from the feeling of his finger in my mouth I was past aroused. And...almost angry.

Everyone clapped when Tsukiyama rose again. "Merci, I hope you all enjoyed yourselves. Please, stay and dance!"

As everyone began to disperse, Ayato and I stood from our seats.

"Come. I need a cigarette."

 

* * *

 

I followed Ayato out to the balcony, watching him spark up in silence. He fiddled with his bangs and leaned on the frame. How much longer could I play this game with him? Ignore that he looked fucked out of his mind? Ignore the way he shook? Ignore the fact that Touka didn't bother to even mention his very existence?

"What are you on, Ayato-kun?"

"Excuse me?" He glanced at me, his cigarette barely dangling between his fingers.

"From the moment I saw you tonight you looked like you were about to fall unconscious. You still do. You're all fucking sluggish. And the flirting. The touching? Just tell me what has you so fucked up."

"Fuck you, Kaneki," he shook his head, looking back down at his folded hands.

"Tell me."

"So if I'm flirting with you, I must be high? You have some serious self-esteem issues."

"Look who's talking. Only someone who feels like complete shit about themselves would be on your level right now."

When I was passive, kind, he didn't listen. So I'd try another approach. I needed to know what he was taking, and why he felt the need to. This is what drew me in initially, those dark eyes whispering that silent cry for help. He liked to fight, didn't he? He enjoyed the violence, the confrontation and hostility. With long strides I invaded his space and pulled the cigarette from his fingers, tossing it off the balcony.

"The fuck-!"

I then grabbed his face, taking his chin in my hand and forcing his eyes on mine. The moonlight hit his face and he only struggled against my grip a bit. He was less strong now, too weak to return fire.

"Answer me, Ayato-kun. What are you on?"

"Fuck you! You're not my fucking-"

"What are you on?!" I shouted over his screams, outweighing him. Luckily music was blaring inside the apartment.

"Why does it matter? Get the fuck over me! I don't want anything to fucking do with you!" He shook against my grip and pounded his fists on my chest, but it was to no avail. His grunts turned into sobs, into tears. Streaming down his cheeks endlessly as he whimpered.

"Tell me, Ayato-kun," I softened my voice and grip, wiping away his tears with my fingers.

"H."

"What?"

"Heroin," his answer was a rasp, fresh out of breath.

I took an inhale of the cold air, unable to believe what he was telling me. Or no...I could believe it. From the moment I saw him. He'd had it in him. My heart ached at this confirmation, feeling it swell and expand in my chest. I could hardly breathe. Who would do such a thing to themselves? He needed me, and I him. I couldn't let him kill himself. I couldn't let Touka lose her brother. I couldn't let...I couldn't let myself lose him. My stomach strained with despair, feeling an overwhelming nausea. I had become physically ill, but my pain was irrelevant. I released a shallow breath and attempted to pull him into a hug. But Ayato had enough resilience left, pushing my shoulders and causing me to stagger backwards.

"Happy, you fucking prick? Leave me the fuck alone."

He stormed back inside, wiping the tears off his face. Touka, Hide, and  _especially_ Hinami could sense Ayato's clear distraught. He stormed out of the apartment, and we all left without saying proper goodbyes and thank yous. The atmosphere for the ride home was clouded with a melancholic air. I've had more talkative car rides while I was driving alone.

 

* * *

 

I was hoping to just drive my car back home, but Ayato had invited me inside. With a completely straight face. As if nothing had happened, as if he had told me nothing. I was inclined to accept so I came inside and waited on the couch for him as Touka and Hide closed themselves off in her room. I wasn't sure what Ayato was doing, but I wasn't going to go storming into his room. I'd been invasive enough for one evening. My brain was shot, I had no energy left whatsoever. Mentally and physically. I ended up nodding off on the couch.

"Wake up."

He was calling me, and I shifted on the couch. I sighed, uninterested in opening my eyes. "Yes...?"

"You know, I never did thank you properly for helping me with Nishiki," he slurred, and I heard him fall between my already parted legs.

I quickly opened my eyes, making sure he didn't hurt himself. Turns out that wasn't the issue. He had fallen on his knees and was seated before me, leaning in.

"Ayato-"

"And I can't let you tell my sister about the heroin," he began to undo the buttons of my jacket with nimble fingers. I grabbed his hand.

"Ayato, stop."

"No," he snatched his hand back and proceeded to loosen my tie.

"Do you have any respect for yourself?" I blinked a few times, unsure if I was dreaming this or not.

"What do you fucking think?" He pulled my shirt from my pants. Once I felt his hand caress me over the fabric, I knew I was awake. The minute pleasure was causing me to take shallow breaths. I couldn't let him continue...he was only doing this to keep me quiet. And because I did him a favor. Now he was returning it. Nothing about this could be more wrong.

"Ayato-kun, you need to stop-"

"Oh, are you going to stop me? Don't pretend like this isn't what you wanted from the very beginning," he spat, pulling the tie from his hair. Black locks spilled and he unfastened my pants. His movements were erratic and urgent, as if this was something that needed to happen right here and now. I suppose for him, it did.

"T-They...they might hear us," I glanced at Touka's bedroom door. Unfortunately, knowing she was behind that door didn't turn me off in the slightest. Ayato smiled at me, biting on his ample lips.

"You really think they can hear us over themselves?"

I shook my head no as he began to stroke me through my underwear. If I allowed him to do this things couldn't go back to the way they were. But he was right. I wasn't going to stop him and this is what I wanted. Just not like this.

I forgot all about that as his flesh met mine. I clenched my teeth together, holding back a moan. He pulled on me until I grew hard enough in his hand. His dark eyes met mine, not blinking once as he leaned forward again. He gave me a small swipe of his tongue on the tip, before pulling the flat of his tongue along the shaft. I was hit with a shattering pleasure, feeling an odd pressure and a cool piece of metal. I let that moan escape, letting my head fall back. Of course he fucking had one. I don't know how I never noticed it before.

Ayato chuckled under his breath, pulling me into his mouth. His piercing caressed every sensitivity of mine, shot every nerve into a frenzy. I wasn't even capable of controlling my moans, they were pouring from my mouth with every swipe of his tongue. Soon enough he began to pull, immediately forcing me to the back of his throat with expertise. I grabbed onto his hair, combing it back for him. I tried to contain myself as my cock was submerged in this perfect wetness, but I couldn't. And I was still angry. I was angry he was doing this and angry he was doing something so irresponsible.

I yanked his hair and he whimpered from the pain, a sound I did not mean to elicit. He held contact with his eyes, midnight irises almost innocuous. What an act. All of it was a fucking act. The flirting, the supposed confidence. It was all apart of his mask, his coverup. To hide the abandonment and the loneliness and the pain and the suffering and the guilt and the trauma. He hadn't hidden it well enough from me, and now that I've broken his barriers he was trying to appease me to keep me quiet. Still, as I looked down at him, my stomach tightened with a burning lust I had never experienced before. I ran my thumb across his parted lips, slick with saliva. I placed my thumb in his mouth and he sucked, biting my skin softly. I didn't want to stop and I didn't want him to continue.

"Use your tongue again," I commanded him, pulling my finger from his mouth.

Ayato nodded once, leaning down again. He swirled his tongue around my cock, dampening the skin and rolling his piercing around every edge. I tried to keep my moans quiet, glancing at Touka's door again. Then back at Ayato. He was looking up at me with those same passive eyes, holding my cock as he pressed the metal against the tip.

"Fuck," I gritted through my teeth, feeling further aroused as he stared at me. With another tug of his hair I pulled him onto my cock again. He swallowed me in one motion, pressing me to the depths of his throat again and holding me there. Small, suffocating breaths escaped him as I pushed further into his mouth. I rested my hand on his head and thrusted into him at a slow measure, smothered by an unspeakable tightness. He pulled off with a gag, choking and coughing violently. His eyes were brimming with tears and he glanced at me before continuing. He hadn't even caught his breath, and he was already attending to the head. Caressing the slit with the metal in his mouth. I moaned through my teeth again, feeling the fire in my hips spread. An electrifying numbness shocked my senses as I came into his mouth, clamping mine with my hand. I slowly parted my lids, watching him lap up the cum from his fingers and the shaft.

He cleared his throat and swallowed, wiping his lips with the back of his hand. "Are we good?"

No. We were the farthest thing from it. I wasn't done with him, and I wasn't going to let this go. Even though I knew that, I agreed for some reason. My climax had muddled my thoughts.

"Yeah," I mumbled.

"Good. Now get the fuck out."

Ayato rose to his feet, staggering his way back to the bedroom. The door clicked in the quiet silence. I pulled up my underwear and fastened my pants. I didn't feel like I could move. And I didn't want to either. I felt like if I left, that would be the last interaction I had with Ayato. So I kicked off my shoes and curled up on the sofa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what did u guys think the drug he was addicted to was? i'm curious


	5. Touka

The short term effects of heroin:

  * The "rush"
  * Warm feeling of the skin
  * Dry mouth
  * Nausea and vomiting
  * Slowed breathing
  * Sedation
  * Hypothermia
  * Coma or death due to overdose



The opioid heroin attacks the brain in a specific way. The compound binds itself to the brain's opioid receptors, giving the user an instantaneous pleasurable sensation. The high, the rush. And if the user takes enough, their breathing could be slowed down to the point of permanent brain damage. Like I said, it attacks the brain. It attacks the different structures of the brain and nervous system. Damaging the area that controls emotions, heart rate, and even the fucking pain receptors. He was numbing himself out, and if he continued he'd be numbing himself to the point of death.

The long term effects of heroin:

  * Weight loss
  * Blisters on the face
  * Bad teeth/gums
  * Insomnia
  * Loss of appetite
  * Itching
  * Introversion
  * Depression
  * Respiratory illnesses
  * Weakening of the immune system
  * Reduced sexual capacity
  * Long-term impotence in men
  * Menstrual disturbance in women
  * Reduced mental capacity
  * Memory loss
  * Coma or death due to overdose



Use heroin enough it'll change the structure of the brain, tampering with the neural and hormonal systems. These imbalances are not easily reversed. It creates a tolerance and physical dependence fairly quickly. So, if he were to quit cold turkey, he would have extremely painful withdrawal symptoms. Withdrawal can begin within a few hours after the drug was last taken and can last for months in extreme cases. I knew how addicting heroin was, and no matter how he was administering it- he was addicted. That's why he was shaking in the car. It must've been a while since he'd last used and the effects were hitting him. That's why he was always so languid and loose, he had passed the initial rush of his high and was in his lifted state. That's why he was so pallid and skinny and tired, he was addicted to fucking opiates.

I clicked off my phone and placed it on the coffee table. I knew doing research would upset me further, but I had no choice. I had to learn more of the symptoms, the chemical formula, how it affected the brain and the rest of the body. I had to be well-informed if I was going to be of any help. And I intended to be, there was no doubt about that. I just needed a few more facts, though. Like how long he had been using, when he first used, and how he uses. Well, I was going to assume he was injecting. His teeth were pearly and perfect, whereas he always covered his arms. To hide the track marks and bruises from tying off. To picture that...to picture Ayato tying off in his room, cooking the heroin and stabbing himself with a syringe, watching his blood cloud the chamber before injecting and laying back as he felt the high, as he felt amazing; blanketed in the numbing warmth.

Intervention? No...Ayato was prone to violence. If I told his friends and family about this he would certainly attack me. It would be futile, he'd be far too angry to see past the fact that I betrayed him. I couldn't go that route. He would hate me.

Rehab? I couldn't check him in myself or go to his father for help. He was no longer a minor and was out of Arata's jurisdiction. That had been proven time and time again. Not to mention the seething and obvious outward rage he carried toward his father. I couldn't go that route. He would hate me.

Call upon the authorities? Tell them there's drugs in the apartment. Have them turn the entire place inside out, find drugs and paraphernalia in Ayato's room and cart him away to jail. Let him sit in a cell and withdrawal and serve out a sentence. That seemed too cruel. To Touka as well. And he didn't belong in jail. I couldn't go that route. He would hate me.

I was only weighing my options. Rehab was the best choice because this was not an easy withdrawal. It was tortuous and could last for days or even weeks. The best bet I had was convincing him to go to rehab. That was a fucking long shot. Speaking of shot, my brain was fried. I had only slept a few hours, I was too busy doing heroin research and looking into suitable rehabilitation centers on my phone. I felt no more at ease, but certainly more tired. And every now and then I remembered what transpired last night. I can't even recall the last time I did something so stupid, the last time I was this angry at myself. For twenty-two years of my life I was responsible. And yet, last night, I let him disrespect himself. I let him because I had never wanted anything more than to have him close and to feel his touch. I didn't care how it happened at the time, only that it did.

As I continued with my self-loathing I could see light gathering outside, the sky a dark shade of gray. I was beyond exhausted...I think I could squeeze in another hour or so.

 

* * *

 

"Kaneki? Kaneki, wake up."

"Ayato-kun," I exhaled a yawn, reaching for the arm that had shaken me out of sleep. I forced my eyes open to see Hide standing before me. His hair was a mess, sticking up in all directions as he wore only his underwear and a tired smile. "Oh, Hide...I'm sorry..."

"Don't worry about it. Touka-chan and I wanted to make breakfast and she asked me to wake you up."

"Okay...I'm up," I shuddered out of sleep, sitting upward on the couch.

"You don't look too good, Kaneki."

"It wasn't comfortable sleeping in this," I looked down at my wrinkled suit, my shirt half tucked in and my pants buttoned incorrectly. I peeled off my jacket and set it down on the couch, running a hand through my hair.

"Is everything okay?" He asked in his usual concerned tone, taking a seat beside me. "Last night in the car-"

"It's fine."

Hide gave me a sad smile, no doubt sensing my poor lie. "Why don't you go see if he's awake? Maybe you can fix things."

I remained silent. I couldn't fix things with just words. That wasn't possible. And I couldn't tell Hide that either. The weight of this was on my shoulders as well. Hide sighed and rubbed his palm across my back before returning to Touka's room. I couldn't fix his addiction with my words, but maybe I could fix the current hostility he was wielding towards me. I pushed myself up from the couch and headed into his room.

I hadn't knocked because I figured he was sleeping. But he wasn't. The blinds on his window were cracked open and I heard the sound of him brushing his teeth. I couldn't attack him again like I did on the balcony. I had to attempt to be understanding, empathetic to his pain. Sympathize with why he'd even want to use in the first place. I think I was capable of that. For him, I was. Ayato walked out of the bathroom, rubbing his eyes. He wore his underwear and a black hoodie loosely shrugged over his shoulders. He raked his fingers through his bangs before realizing my presence. What I saw on his face was hatred and animosity, a burning look so pure with disgust it made my heart wince.

"You're so typical," he shook his head, looking down as he tied his hair back. "Get the fuck out of my room, Kaneki. Go home."

"...Touka's making breakfast."

"I don't give a shit," he took a step towards me. Though his eyes were wide with anger, he still appeared tired as ever. It was bewildering. "I thought you were going to leave me alone."

"You thought everything would magically be okay if you gave me head?"

"That wasn't enough? What, do you want me to fuck you?"

I couldn't believe the words leaving his mouth. I took a deep inhale, trying to keep myself level-headed and to not grow angry with him.

"I don't want that."

"I thought you were different," he mumbled under his breath, casting his eyes down. "You're not. Get away from me. I don't want to see you again."

"You came at me while I was asleep," I gestured to myself, my voice raising with disbelief. "But I...I fucked up."

"You're weak, just like everyone else. And you don't give a shit about me. You want one thing," Ayato frowned and inched towards me. "Right?"

"No. I give a shit and you know it, Kirishima. Stop trying to push me away."

Once he was close enough he touched my face. His fingers traced the edge of my cheekbone, the line of my jaw and the curve of my ear. His fingertips were calloused, rough to the touch. But I enjoyed the connection. He began biting on his lip. "You are really fucking sexy...we can, if you want. If that's what it takes. But you'll have to keep it down."

"Stop it. I don't want that," I repeated, taking his hand off of my face. "I shouldn't have let you done that last night. It was purely selfish. I wanted you...I wanted you so badly that I couldn't turn you away."

"I know you couldn't," he took the hand that pushed him away and laid it on his chest. My fingers trembled at the sense of his soft skin, traveling across his pectoral to his sternum. My hand curled around his rib cage, feeling the bones underneath. Each rib cradled every finger. I wouldn't say he was to the point of emaciated, but he wasn't far from it. I squeezed his side gently and he took a sharp inhale. His skin was icy to the touch, and his eyes held the same aspect. This poor thing. This poor soul. How could I ever get through to him? In his mind he thought he could exchange sexual favors for my silence and God knows what else. I didn't want to know. As I looked down at him, watching his lips part with desire, my stomach wrenched. It was such an aching pain left in my gut, one that radiated throughout my entire core. "Tell me you don't want me."

"I do want you," I nodded. "I want you to be healthy and happy. I don't want you to try and fuck me just to get rid of me. To get me to not care about you. Maybe that's worked in the past, but not this time."

"You are exhausting," he shook his head. "Well guess what, Kaneki? I'm not your concern. I'm not your boyfriend, I'm not your friend and I'm certainly not your family. There's no reason for you to feel so fucking burdened by me. It's your own fault. And that's not my problem. You only think you're concerned because you're infatuated. Your dick is thinking for you. And it's a nice one, at that."

"No. You're wrong."

"I'm never wrong," Ayato smiled and brought himself closer. The hand that was attached to him curled around his waist, enjoying the skin underneath the fabric a bit too much. "Everyone wants the same thing. Money, drugs, sex. You're confused, thinking it's love- but it's not, Kaneki. I know. What? You couldn't help your aunt, so you want to help me? Couldn't save your mommy? Don't project your bullshit onto me. What kind of fucking hero complex do you have? Selfish prick."

I felt the rage simmer underneath, shutting my eyes. I didn't want to get angry with him again, I didn't. He was an addict and a victim. _He_ was the one projecting. I couldn't get angry again, or so easily. If I did this would be pointless. I could endure his torment.

"And I can say anything I want to you and you're not going to do _anything_. It's boring. You're boring. The only excitement I've ever felt when I was with you was when you snapped last night on the balcony."

"Ah," I nodded, opening my eyes and looking down at him. "And I'm the typical one. You're a walking stereotype."

"Shh," he shook his head at me. "You really are much more attractive when you don't speak."

"You told me to leave. That you didn't want to see me again."

"That's preferred," Ayato's long lashes fluttered a few times. "But I can already see how persistent you are. And it's not just going to take a blowjob, apparently."

"Stop it," I warned him. "I mean it."

"Yeah. Let's see you stop me again, like you did last night."

The pain in my stomach intensified, but it blended with lust as he pressed his lips to the corner of my mouth. They were soft and pliant against my skin. I shivered from the touch, taking his hair in my hand and pulling him back. Having him so close again was unnerving.

"Ow-"

"Why don't you fucking listen?" I hissed. "You think just because you're attractive you can do whatever the fuck you want? Treat people this way? Kill yourself slowly even though you _know_ there's people in this world who love you? You have a fucking family."

"You're hurting me," he gritted through his teeth, a fire meeting his eyes. He was staring me down like the minute I let go of him he'd attack.

"Is pain a problem for you now? Sticking yourself with a needle several times a day must be much worse than this."

"You fucking asshole," he whispered, squeezing his jaw even tighter. "I gave you what you wanted. You used me just like everyone else."

"I never wanted it to happen that way."

"Well, you let it. You let it and you should fuck off now."

"I can't do that."

"Learn to. Because if I have to look at you for one more second I'm going to throw up. You're the last thing I need in my life right now. Some older guy fronting like he cares about me, but all he really wants is a hot fuck. That's right, isn't it? That's all you want?! Well get the fuck on with it!"

He worked himself up into a frenzy, spatting his maddened words like sparks from a fire. I watched as he fought back the tears in his eyes, forcing them wider and wider to prevent the water. How many times could I voice this? That it wasn't sex I cared about. That when I looked at him, when I looked into his eyes and further beyond, I saw something far more attractive than his appearance. His soul was something chaste, a light that had dimmed but still shone. I could see it. I could see his pain and his fear, I could see it the day we met. He was calling out to me, pleading for help. Pleading for _something._ Anything but this.

"Be quiet, Ayato-kun. I don't want them to hear."

"I don't give a _fuck!_ Let go of me right the fuck now or I'll-"

He was being too loud. He was already in my hands. I kissed him.

A small whimper escaped his closed lips. I might have surprised him, but he had been awaiting this. I could tell by the way he sighed relief against my mouth. The initial connection was harsh but still passionate, for I had coated the kiss with all the feelings I harbored towards him. All the rage and disappointment and hunger and concern. My hand slipped from his hair and met the other hand wrapped around his waist. Slender arms bound themselves to my neck, both hands pulling at my hair. It hurt. God, did it hurt. We staggered a bit as both of us had put too much force behind our movements, our energies colliding.

His head tilted a bit, a hand attaching to my jaw and pulling it open. I was invaded by his studded tongue, soft muscles capering with one another. His piercing clicked against my teeth, his movements annulling any and all of mine. This kiss, the sensation of his cold, petite body against mine was unreal. But it wasn't ideal. It seemed it never would be. I had shaded my expectations for an ideal relationship with Ayato. And with his lips against mine I could feel his walls crack and weaken. The walls he had expertly constructed. Every structure had a weak spot.

I severed the frantic kiss, pulling back and peering at his lips. They were colored with satisfaction and shock. I watched his mouth shut close, sealing his ringed tongue.

"...does that prove it?"

"No," he shook his head, our hands releasing one another in synchronicity. "No...I-I don't know..."

I took a minute, running my fingers over my lips. They felt bruised and white-hot and somehow numb, and kissing him was everything I thought it would be. The sound of my breath was astounding, short-lived and shallow. Once I could properly breathe again I spoke up. "I'm going to help you, Ayato-kun. I promise, I will-"

"Just," he folded his hands over his reddened lips, staring into space. He seemed as paralyzed by the kiss as I felt. "Just go. The only reason I'm not punching your lights out is because my sister is in the next room."

"...what?"

"I have no reason to trust you," his hands fell from his face, but his eyes remained on naught. "And I never will. Don't expect a single thing from me, Kaneki. You'll be disappointed."

"I don't have any expectations..."

"Good. I'll say this one more time for you: I don't need your fucking help."

His eyes met mine with this statement. They still burned like fanned embers, heated and drained from our kiss. He had already patched up the crack I had created. This was going to be no easy task, and I was aware of that. It was going to be one step forward and two steps back. I would be hammering and beating against the walls just to make a mere dent, while my hands grew bloody and broken. But I wasn't going to give up on him. He thought everyone else had already. I had to show him persistence and dedication. I'd have to earn his trust. And if I could weaken him enough, his demons would creep out of the hole in which they lurked within. Out from under the mask he created, into the harsh light of reality. He'd have to face them. I intended to pave that road for him, and assist him on the path.

"I hear you, Ayato-kun."

"Good..." He repeated, his eyes flickering back down.

"Do you think we can be civil for breakfast?"

"Only because I'm hungry," Ayato muttered, wiping my spit off his lips as if it had an acrid taste.

 

* * *

 

"Wow, Aneki. This is almost edible," Ayato set down his chopsticks atop his empty bowl.

"Hey, thanks," Touka narrowed her eyes at her brother across the table. "It'd be nice if you cooked for once. Pull some weight. I'm surprised you're even up for breakfast."

"Had trouble sleeping last night," he responded as I drank my water.

"Are you feeling alright?"

"Yeah," he waved his sister off, twisting the strands of hair in his ponytail. "I just need to get out of here. Breakfast was good, though. Thanks."

"Where are you going?"

Hide and I both carried on as if this conversation wasn't happening around us.

"I think I'll go to Naki's," Ayato set his dishes in the sink.

"At least put on some clothes first," she smiled at her brother, and he forced one in response.

"Gonna go do that now."

Ayato disappeared into his room, returning several seconds after just pulling some sweatpants on and zipping up his hoodie. He gave his sister a kiss and left the apartment without saying a word to me or Hide. He didn't even look in my direction. I wasn't sure if I had made another mistake kissing him. No...it wasn't a mistake. I wanted to show Ayato how I truly felt about him. And I couldn't do that with words, not when words were his strongest weapon. He was stunned into silence, and I suppose I had given him something to think about. It was certainly better than where we left off last night.

"You and I need to talk, Kaneki."

Touka's words resounded in my ears, and my heart thrummed against my chest. Hide rose in silence, taking both of their dishes to the sink. My eyes lingered on him for a moment. I know he wouldn't tell Touka anything that I confided in him. No, she was just intuitive. Like her brother. Or she likely heard him screaming at me.

"Okay."

"I have to go pickup my last paycheck. Care to take me?" She leaned back in her chair, brushing her bangs off her face.

"Yeah, I'll take you."

"Go change out of that wrinkled suit and come back to pick me up."

 

* * *

 

Having a car did have its disadvantages. Everyone was always asking for a ride. Not that I minded carting around the Kirishimas or Hide, I enjoyed it. I was just nervous...my hand was slick against the steering wheel and Touka hardly spoke a word in the car. Hide said she was glad the two of us were getting along (not that that was the case anymore), but as more than friends...? I was several years older than Ayato and he's her brother. That means off-limits, right?

We arrived at the coffee shop, a place off-campus but still close. Touka told me that she had been working there before she was even attending Kamii. We headed inside in the shared agonizing silence. It was finally cut by the sound of the shop's bell, chatting customers and clinking dishes.

"Welcome to- ah. Shitty Touka."

"Shitty Nishiki."

I thought if I never saw Nishiki again it would be too soon. But here he was, an employee at the coffee shop. He was in the attire and all.

"And Kaneki. Strange. I didn't notice you without Kirishima suckling on your teat."

Just when I was thinking it would be nice to settle things with him. I didn't want to have any enemies. Sure, he was a complete ass but I had given him the money so he would be leaving Ayato alone now. But he seemed to have this vendetta against him, and it was personal. I could tell. And every time he spoke about Ayato I could feel my teeth grinding. I was curious as to why they hated each other so much, but given _both_ of their behaviors and tendencies, I almost didn't want to know.

"That's very powerful imagery, Nishiki," Touka nodded, her voice leveled. "I'm surprised you have such an imagination. Now go sweep the floors and tell Yoshimura-san I'm here before I go tell him to give you a drug test."

Nishiki threw Touka a sour look before pushing up his glasses and walking off.

"Such an ass," Touka glared at him as he sauntered off. She then headed towards the front counter and I followed in silence. The shop was a bit small, but busy. Most seats had bodies in them, even the bar at the front counter was almost full. It seemed like a nice place to work, but I suppose Touka was covered for the time being.

"Touka-san," a boy with a bland expression greeted Touka from the counter. He was steeping coffee for a customer, but tended to us promptly. He had dark eyes and undercut hair. "I'll get Yoshimura-san."

"No need," Touka smiled. "I have Nishiki doing my fetching."

"I'd love to say I missed your immature banter, but I did not."

"Kaneki, this is Urie," Touka gave me a brief glance. "My previous underling."

"And I have your job now," he sneered subtly at her before turning to me. A softness met his face. "It's nice to meet you, Kaneki-san. Touka-san mentioned you often."

"Fondly, I hope?" I replied.

"You'll have to buy something if you want to gossip," a smile crossed his mouth and he picked up the platter of espressos. "If you'll excuse me."

"I did talk about you with him a lot," she watched him over her shoulder, serving a full table. "He's relatively new. I was actually going to set you two up."

"Really?" I had the urge to look at Urie again, but I didn't need more than one dark-haired boy on my plate at a time.

"I shouldn't though now, right? Because of Ayato. He gets jealous very easily, you know."

"Oh!" I felt my entire body grow hot underneath my clothing, Touka keeping her light eyes on mine the entire time. I already knew that's what she wanted to talk to me about, I don't know why I was so dumbfounded when she brought him up. My anxiety had never subsided, and to make matters worse she was impossible to read. I've seen Touka angry plenty of times, so I knew she wasn't fuming. But there was still something off. I cleared my throat and turned to her. "It's not-"

"Touka-chan," a gentle voice beckoned for her from behind the counter, and I was glad her attention was off of me. If I saw that ice-cold Kirishima gaze one more time today my heart might finally give. "You're here for your last paycheck?"

"I am," she rested her hands on the counter top and smiled at the older man. He slid her the envelope over the finished wood and Touka scooped it up, tucking it into her jacket's pocket. "Thank you, Yoshimura-san."

"Thank you for all the years you've put in here," the man glanced at me. "Are you going to introduce me to your friend?"

"This is Kaneki," she slapped my shoulder. With all this sudden pressure it stung much more than it should have. "He's Hide's best friend."

"Oh, it's nice to meet you, Kaneki-kun," he tipped his head.

"And you, Yoshimura-san," I did the same, giving him a short bow.

"How is Hide?"

"Good, good," Touka answered him and smiled. "Cheerful as ever."

"And your father? Ayato-kun?"

"Dad's been working a lot recently, that I know. But I think he's doing alright. It's hard but it's been easier. And Ayato...is Ayato."

Yoshimura's brows rose, nodding his head in understanding. "You should all come in one day. Like how you used to."

"That sounds nice," Touka smiled sadly, no doubt thinking it'd be impossible to drag Ayato along.

"Why don't you two have a free cup?"

"Okay, thank you," she accepted for us. I thanked the man as well and Touka took us to a table for two in the corner. She sighed and leaned forward in her chair. "So, back to Ayato-"

"I have to stop you, Touka-chan," I interrupted, watching her mouth close and her lip curl in disappointment. I already knew I couldn't tell her about the heroin, so I had to chose my words carefully. "Ayato-kun and I aren't like that."

"Well now you're just straight up lying," she threw her hands up, gesturing with exhaust. "He told me you paid off Nishiki, told him to go fuck off when he was sick that one night. And I never saw you that night after I left you. I knew Ayato was there. It wasn't hard to piece it together."

I remained silent, feeling myself grow smaller as she spoke. Now she sounded ticked. Good thing we were in a public place.

"And after you two met he said and I quote, you were: 'too hot to be my friend'," she tossed in some air quotations and rolled her eyes thereafter. "So, we're having this conversation. Are you fucking my brother? If so, I need to know."

I shook my head, staring down at the table. When I met Ayato I recall him asking me the very same question about Touka in the same manner. The level of crassness with these siblings...it could be unbearable at times. Thankfully, Urie interrupted Touka's vicious interrogation and set down two fresh cups of coffee. I internally sighed relief.

"Thanks," Touka mumbled, taking her cup.

Urie hadn't looked in her direction, only at me. And he was kind of cute. Certainly when he smiled. "You're welcome."

Once he walked off and I reached for my cup, pulling it towards me.

"Waitin' on that answer," her fingernails slowly pecked at the wood.

"Am I having sex with your brother? No."

"Has anything happened?"

"Touka-chan," I grimaced, not at all wishing to share the details. "We kissed once. And something else. Once."

"Now that he's living with me I have to watch him. He gets into trouble so easily. And everywhere I go with him it's the same thing. People are just attracted to him. Especially the bad crowd," Touka took a sip of her steaming coffee before setting it back down. "I've seen him go through boyfriends like underwear. This was a conversation I was hoping I wouldn't have to have with you, but of course. He fucking drew you in."

"I-I don't think Ayato and I will ever be like that. The things that happened between us were just a mistake," I picked up my coffee, staring into the liquid. Kissing him wasn't a mistake, I had already decided that. My lips still ached. "And in all reality, he doesn't even like me that much."

"Bullshit," she smiled as she spoke. "Of course he likes you. If he's rude to you, that's why. C'mon, Kaneki. You're supposed to be smart."

"Either way, he's angry with me at the moment. So I don't think you have to worry about him and I together," I took my first sip of coffee, sighing at the pleasant bitterness.

"I'm not...completely opposed to it."

Those couldn't have been her words. I must've had a temporary moment of insanity. Pressing my lips together, I glanced up from my beverage. "...what?"

"I haven't been with him these past two years, but I know him. He says I don't but I do- and I know his type. Always older, some fucking asshole. You're not one of those. I know you could be good for him. Good to him. Assuming that's what you want, not just to get in his pants. Which is fine too, I guess. But if you hurt him in any way I'll have to kill you."

It took me a moment to process what Touka was saying. I drank my coffee, looking away from her intrusive eyes that shot shivers down my spine. I set down my cup. "I'd like to be there for him, but he doesn't want that. He's made that perfectly clear," I mumbled, tracing the edge of my plate.

"Yeah. I could see that," she sighed and ran her fingers through her bangs. A dolefulness met her eyes as she veered her vision off to the side. "...just don't give up on him. Don't waste his time."

"I won't. I promise."

"I might actually believe you," Touka smiled and took another gulp of her coffee.

"There is something I wanted to ask you, though."

"Is it about Ayato?"

"Yes," I nodded, trying to find the proper way to voice my thoughts. "He said your mother left him something in her will, something that was just for him-"

"Fucking A, he's really got his hooks in you," she shook her head in disbelief before laying her hands on the table with conviction. "I'm not giving him that money. Not anytime soon. Don't worry, you can tell him I haven't touched any of it."

"I'm not asking for him. I think you're doing the right thing. He's really not ready for it."

If Ayato got his hands on his trust he'd spend most of it on smack, after buying a house he wouldn't be able to pay the property taxes for. He'd be in an even worse position than he was right now, and I was still struggling to come up with a way to dig him out of his current hole. I had to be certain she wasn't going to give it to him.

"Well, that's good to hear. He was seventeen at the time my mother died, that's how my father was able to withhold it. It's supposed to go towards his education, anyway."

"And you haven't spent any of it?"

"Of course not. I don't even fucking know why it's in my account, to be honest. It's like, suddenly, it's my turn to take care of Ayato like my father is passing the fucking torch. It's bullshit. And now he basically hates me because of it. As if that would make him hate our father any less."

"That sounds-"

"All of our lives have surrounded around him and his problems. It's ridiculous."

I frowned at that. He would hate to hear those words. I hated to hear those words. He already felt like a walking burden. Though I doubt Touka was exaggerating, and it wasn't fair to her either. On the exterior they seemed have a normal enough relationship, but on the interior there was resentment and disrespect and likely a bit of envy on both sides. As I pondered in silence Touka's phone rang. She sighed and accepted the call, bringing her cell to her ear.

"Hey, Dad," she answered. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. He's doing good, too. Oh...is now a good time?"

Touka glanced to me with a raise of her brows, beginning to bite on her fingernails. Something was telling me she'd be needing another ride.

"Alright. I'll be there soon. Bye," she ended the call, setting her phone down. "Wanna go meet my father?"

 

* * *

 

If I wasn't nervous before, I certainly was now. Their house was about fifteen minutes away from the coffee shop, still in the 20th Ward. It was in a nice enough neighborhood, a small one-story painted a light shade of purple. We walked up to the residence and Touka unlocked the door herself, letting us in.

"Dad! I'm here," she called out as she shut the door, turning to me. "I'll be right back, Kaneki. He said he wanted to talk to me."

"Alright," I nodded and watched her walk down the hall.

It was a quaint house, each wall painted a different color with old-fashioned furniture. I was still in the foyer, and to my right I spotted a door. It caught my eye because not only was it painted black, but it had a huge street sign slapped on it. 'Wrong Way', it read. I know he didn't like me snooping around his things...but he wasn't here to see. I checked the halls before opening up the door to Ayato's old room.

I expected the walls to be black as well, but they were a deep eggplant color. The only light came from the window beside his bed, the curtains drawn open. It was neater than his room at the apartment. There weren't clothes strewn about the floor, and his desk wasn't overflowing with drawing materials. But there were still drawings on the wall. In fact, the entire wall beside his bed was plastered with different drawings and posters of bands I didn't recognize. A small black sofa sat before a TV, and beside that there was a stack of Playstation games so high I thought it might tip over. I found myself drawn to his desk, just peering at the drawings. Most of them weren't completed, so I took my eyes away. I knew he wouldn't want me looking at them. Aside from the drawings there were a few nail polish bottles, joint papers, and a couple of framed pictures. I actually laughed at the first one, a picture of him and Hinami. He was sporting his black nail polish and a middle finger, while Hinami was caught mid-laugh. His eyes were red as hell where Hinami's were just nonexistent. Definitely baked.

The picture beside it made me smile as well. I picked up the frame and sat down on the couch. It was a picture of Ayato and Touka and who I assumed to be their mother. Her hair was pale and cut short. She was beautiful. She had her arms around both of them, and it looked like it was taken outside in a park somewhere. It must've been old, Ayato looked no older than fifteen. Though his smile was subtle, it was genuine. I'd never seen anything like it on him before and it left me a bit winded. Touka had the same soft smile, holding her mother tightly. However, their mother's smile was wide and radiant, like nothing made her happier than to have her two children in her arms. And then my smile faded. He wasn't this person anymore. He never would be. Would he ever look this happy again? Content? Was I even capable of helping him?

"It's a nice picture, right?"

Startled, I looked up from the frame in my hands and set it down beside me. "Y-Yes, it is."

Arata had the same dark hair and eyes as Ayato, but his skin had more color to it. Their physical features were somewhat similar, but he didn't look like Ayato at all. There was a kindness to his eyes and and expression, as if it were an invitation to speak to him. Ayato gave off the exact opposite vibe. Either way, I rose to my feet and walked over to shake his hand.

"I'm sorry-"

"Don't worry about it, Kaneki," he reassured me with a smile, returning a firm handshake. Honestly, I was a bit flustered under his gaze so I let go of his hand the second I could, before he realized how clammy mine was. "Touka did tell me you're a friend of Ayato's."

That's how she introduced me...?

"It's kind of a recent development, actually," I released a nervous chuckle.

"You're a senior?"

"Junior," I corrected him with a meek nod. "Literature major."

"Nice to know Ayato is finally spending time with someone who's well-read."

"He's a good kid."

A good kid? Really? That couldn't have sounded any creepier if I tried.

"Yeah," he smiled along with his response. "He is."

Did he truly believe that? With everything Ayato has told me, I had every reason to believe that wasn't so. Withholding his money, kicking him out, never allowing him his own pet. It seemed like Arata thought his son was simply trouble. Then again, that came from Ayato's biased perspective. Did he know about his late drug problem...? Is that why he kicked him out the last time?

"Touka also said you're a friend of Hide's."

"Yes. Since grade school."

"I've only had the pleasure of meeting him a couple of times. But the four of you should come over sometime. I'll cook for you."

Get Ayato to come here? With me, no less. I'm certain Arata knew that he was asking the impossible.

"He did say you were a chef. That that's how you met his mother."

"It's true," he nodded, a sad smile crossing over.

"I'm sorry for your loss, Kirishima-san."

"Thank you, Kaneki. That's kind of you."

"I'd love to try your food," I chuckled again, trying to lighten things up again. "I'll ask Ayato-kun."

No, I won't.

He remained silent so I looked over my shoulder at Ayato's covered wall, speaking up again. "Has Ayato-kun always been artistic?"

"Yes. I've saved all his drawings from grade school. He's very talented," he looked at his drawings as well, pausing as he touched his chin in thought. "It's odd, no one in the family has any artistic ability."

"I'm actually going to look into Kamii's art program for him. I think he might enjoy it."

"That's a good idea, son," he commended me, but it didn't look like he himself believed the words. I refrained from frowning. Far down the hall Touka shouted for him and Arata sighed, placing his hand on my shoulder. "It was nice to meet you."

He walked out of Ayato's room and I was left with a racing heart. Though that was much less painful than I thought it would be. He seemed like a good man, and I think that's why him and Ayato didn't get along. He was friendly, welcoming, receptive, everything Ayato wasn't. And if he had found out about the drugs, I had no doubt that he wouldn't stand for it. I wouldn't know what it's like to feel unaccepted by your father, but I witnessed it in Ayato. It was a daily struggle for him, a lingering and stinging pain. I walked back inside, taking a seat on his bed. I gazed up at the covered wall until Touka called for me again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #1 dilf


	6. Ayato II

After finally completing my essay, I was looking forward to having some much-needed sleep. I had spent the majority of the day with Touka, so by the time I arrived home it was already dark. After finishing my work it was now around three in the morning. My eyes singed from staring at the computer screen for five plus hours, going over my final draft about seven hundred times. I shut my laptop closed and found myself nodding off at my desk. I'd better get ready for bed. Change, brush my teeth. Though I was too exhausted to even move.

Startled out of a lucid sleep, my phone began to pulsate on the desk. I sighed and lifted my head. Only one person would be calling me or even be awake at this time of night. No doubt this'd be a drunk dial, spewing his hatred for me. _Fuck off, Ken doll. I can take care of myself. You're not my father. Stop trying to control me like everyone else,_ yada yada yada. Maybe I shouldn't answer just to avoid all of that...

I chose not to. I didn't want to play into his game, or give him the argument he wanted. I was much too tired for that nonsense. He can call me when he's sober. So I rose to my feet as my phone rang a few more times before ceasing. I sighed relief, pulling out some pants to sleep in. And then the resounding annoyance returned, my phone vibrating yet again. I looked over my shoulder and watched it illuminate.

 

 

_**Ayato** _  
_Decline or Accept_

  

...it wasn't unusual for him to double text or call. Maybe he still wanted to talk about the kittens? Highly unlikely. Then again, he might need my help with something. I don't know why I didn't consider that. As the crippled, pathetic moth I had became, I flew to the flame yet again. I picked up the phone and accepted his call.

"Hello?"

_"Kaneki? Hello?"_

There was plenty of background racket, distorting his voice a bit. The noise was people babbling incoherently and music playing in the distance. But the music was soft and the voices were relatively low. I could hear him well enough. He was clearly in a club.

"Something you need, Kirishima?"

 _"Ugh, I fucking hate when you call me that,"_ he whined. _"I need a ride."_

I laughed, rubbing at my eyes. This had to be some sort of joke.

"You can't be serious. The only words that ever come out of your mouth are to leave you alone. That you don't want my help."

_"Well I fucking do this time, okay? You think you were my first option? Just please come get me."_

He was pleading, slurring his words heavily. I couldn't let him walk home like that alone. I just found his inconsistencies...tiring. Not that I should expect any consistency from a junkie.

"Fine. Where are you?"

_"I'll text you the address. Thank you, Ken doll."_

I received the text message from him once I hung up. My eyes widened in shock once I saw where he was. What the fuck was he doing in the 11th Ward? It was notoriously dangerous, and no one in their right minds would go there after dark. To make things even better, it'd take me at least half an hour to get there. With my new sudden energy, I grabbed my keys and rushed out of my apartment.

 

* * *

 

I'd always been a good defensive driver. Tonight was the exception. I sped down the highway, ensuring I'd get there at a reasonable time. The drive took me a little less than twenty minutes. The 11th Ward was home to an incredulous amount of gangs, and I felt scared just driving through there. I parked outside of the club, it's music blaring through stone walls. I reached for my phone and called Ayato. It rang twice before I received the recording telling me to leave a message. I called again. He forwarded my call again. What the fuck was his problem? I exited my car with impetuosity, locking it as I headed towards the entrance.

"Yo, there's a fee," the bouncer put his hand on my chest before I could even touch the door's handle.

"Are you kidding me?" I stared up at the large man. Sighing, I realized he wasn't going to let up. I still had my lingering exhaustion, and was in no mood for this. "Look, I'm just here to pick someone up and they're not answering their phone-"

"Pay the fee or I can't let you in."

"What bullshit. Fine," I reached into my wallet and handed the bouncer his money with a false smile. "There."

"Have a nice evening."

He opened the door for me and I walked inside. It was pitch black except for the various strobe lights, the club-goers clothing and hair reflecting as they jumped around. The floor was shaking as the people danced. I already had a headache.

When Ayato called me, it wasn't this loud. But he clearly wasn't waiting for me outside, so I searched for the bathroom. I found the restrooms shoved into a corner after swimming through the raging dancers. I headed into the males. It was pretty disgusting in there, red walls marked with mysterious stains and various stickers covering the stalls. The room was large, though. More stalls than I could count. But I didn't see Ayato. There was only one man down by the far side of the wall. I cursed and pulled out my phone to see if he had reached me yet.

"You have really pretty hair, you know," the unscrupulous voice elicited itself from the male at the end of the stalls. Only now I could see there was someone underneath him. I peered up from my phone, clicking it off.

"Of course I know that. Don't fucking touch it," there was a small slap of skin. I could recognize that hazy and piqued voice anywhere.

"You're a little tease, you know that? But I know you want this."

"No, I don't. Get the fuck off of me before I...I-"

"Before you what?"

My feet carried me over. Ayato still sounded drunk as ever, his words trailing off with each shallow breath. And only a specific type of scumbag would take advantage of someone who was too drunk, too weak to even speak properly.

"Mhm...thought so."

" _No!_ You fucking dick-"

I watched him press his body against Ayato, squeezing him between the wall. His pale hands tried to push him off but it was to no avail.

"Stop it..."

"Fuck," he exhaled a heavy, carnal groan next to his ear. Now I was close enough to see his fingers traipse up Ayato's bare thigh. "I'm gonna fuck you blind, baby."

I had studied martial arts for self-defense. Pure and simple. I had thousands of different techniques in my head, a myriad of basic ways to put someone on the ground without a scrap effort. I had forgotten all of them. I was unable to think clearly. In fact, I couldn't think at all. All I could see was dirty hands touching Ayato's skin and hair, squeezing him between his own body and the wall. The sights and sounds had taken over my brain, leaving me blank. Blank with nothing but vehemence. I had never felt this level of rage before, and I had never enjoyed the idea of hurting others. Though Ayato was undoubtedly drunk, not once had I heard such a pleading weakness in his voice. Not even when he was begging me to fuck him and let this be over with, not even when he admitted his addiction to me. This wasn't a simple plea or a glimpse of his concealed, ever present vulnerability. It was fear in its purest form.

In that moment I didn't care if he didn't want my help. Because I was going to need his help, too. He'd have to stop me from killing this vile, sorry excuse for a human. With a single step I yanked on the predator's jacket, pulling him off of Ayato. He staggered backward and I sent my fist to his face, feeling the bones of his nose crack under the pressure.

"Motherfucker," I spat, peering at the red caked on my knuckles as blood poured from both his nostrils. There was only a single outburst of pain, likely too intoxicated to even feel the blow.

"Kaneki-"

"You're gonna regret that," he smeared at the blood that was now running towards his lips.

"Am I?" I began to pop a few of my knuckles, an odd and old habit that I had picked up. It occurred whenever I was irate enough. And this was an unconventional state for me. My voice produced itself to a low growl, rumbling in my throat. "I am _dying_ to see you try."

With a grunt he ran at me. But he was past inebriated, making this painfully easy. I shuffled aside, dodging his graceless charge. Once I was behind him I yanked his hair backward, feeling strands detaching from his scalp. I drove my foot to the back of his knee. A shallow groan escaped him, and he fell to his knees with a crash. Then he was face forward onto the grimy floor. A fitting place for him. I flipped him over with my boot so he was laying on his side. I drove my foot into his diaphragm, watching him gasp for air. Hit the diaphragm in the proper spot and suddenly you'll be completely out of oxygen. You'll feel the cold embrace of death creeping towards you. The horror in his eyes was clear as he gagged, the force of the blow shocking his nerves. He writhed and whimpered as I rammed his core a few more times, aiming for the sensitive organs. I turned his insides to slush, and blood began to spurt from his weeping mouth. I wanted to continue. The wrath had consumed my mind, and was telling me to continue. To take it further. Kill him. End him for harassing this person I've grown so close to.

I would do anything for him. Normally that thought would frighten me, but I wasn't thinking at all. Not so much about Ayato standing behind me watching, but more about how beautiful this man's skull would look caved, cracked and smashed wide open. I lifted my foot again, my boot looming over his head.

Before I could finish this, I felt a weak tug on my arm. I turned, every vein within me pulsing with fire. But the fire cooled as Ayato stood before me, his eyes shot red with thin vessels. A frown was on his lips as he first met my eyes, but it quickly grew to a satisfied smile. He sucked his teeth and stepped forward, spitting on the unconscious man.

"Fucking douchebag."

"Come on," I gritted through my teeth, still tasting the fury from what I had just done and what I had just witnessed. I snatched Ayato's hand and began to pull him outside of the bathroom, then outside of the establishment. He didn't protest.

 

* * *

 

"O-fucking-kay, you can let go now!" Ayato jerked his arm back once we went through the doors. He scoffed at me and reached into his pocket, heading towards the car.

"I'm sorry..." I felt my brow furrow, my heart still pumping violently. I didn't want him to see me angry yet another time, but it was inevitable. I believe he knew that. "I just knew if I stayed there any longer I would've fucking killed him. Are you okay, though? Did anything else happen? Did he hurt you?"

I took a step closer, and Ayato was already puffing on a cigarette. I took his face in my hands. His eyes were a bit dim and half-lidded but that's all.

"Thank you for that, Kaneki," he mumbled, peering down and shimmying out of my touch. "He didn't hurt me. He only bought me a few drinks. That's what happens, y'know? I was waiting for you in the bathroom and that's when he came. That's why I kept forwarding your calls. I thought you'd figure something was wrong." 

He sighed and brought the cigarette to his lips, shuddering. The fear in his eyes had long dissipated.

"It wouldn't be the first time that's happened. Still...thank you."

"Just get in the car."

We both entered, buckling up. Ayato rolled down his window, flicking the embers off his fresh cigarette. He sighed and settled into the seat. Wouldn't be the first time it's happened? I suppose Touka was right. He attracted skeptical characters. But that wasn't his fault. Not in the slightest. I was only still angry from the beat down, and that he would put himself in such a dangerous part of the city. He knew better. I know he did. I took a short glance at him to see him exhaling a cloud of opaque smoke, running a hand through his free hair. He was wearing his usual gold jewelry and boots, along with a loose black long sleeve. Though it appeared underneath he was wearing a tanktop. It was his legs that took my attention. They ended at his upper thigh, denim shorts of a deep red color with a distressed wash. I stared at the curve of his thinly muscled thigh, the sharp angle of his knee and straight line of his calf.

"Drive, Kaneki," he spoke with a kind voice before taking another hit of his cigarette. "I don't want to die tonight."

"Sorry," I looked away from his body.

Once we arrived on the highway I began to speed yet again. The 11th Ward. Some people said there was a murder every eight minutes. Why did his well-being not cross his mind? He could've went drinking anywhere.

"Chill with your fucking road rage," he flicked the cigarette out the window once the rushing wind was too strong, his hair dancing with the excess air. Oh, now speeding was an issue for him? My headache returned as he spoke.

"What the fuck are you doing out there anyway? Alone, no less? Do you have a death wish?"

"I was with Naki," Ayato shook his head, finding it ridiculous that he needed to explain himself to me. "He found someone to take home, so yeah. He left me there. Good thing I have you."

"You don't want me to help you. You've made that abundantly clear," my grip tightened around the wheel.

"I don't want you to be my fucking sponsor, no," he snorted, now gazing out the window. "But I want-"

"Want me to give you rides and stroke your ego and pay off your debts."

"Fuck you!" Ayato turned and shot me daggers with his eyes. "I _NEVER_ asked you to do that."

"But you're glad I did," I refrained from looking at him and kept my eyes on the empty, lit highway.

"Asshole," he muttered, slumping back into his seat. He took a few deep breaths, trying to calm himself. But it didn't work. He drunkenly exclaimed and grabbed fistfuls of his hair. "What the fuck can I say, Kaneki? I like you, okay? I want you around. And not just because you have a car or all that other bullshit you said...and not just because you're the best kisser I've ever met, either."

A smile fixed on my lips. In fact, those words made my stomach churn just from the memory. And it had only happened earlier that day, my lips still ached for more. But I didn't expect this sudden epiphany. It was astounding to hear this from him. Though, I would've preferred he told me when he was sober. I'm not sure if he was even capable of that.

"I like you too, Ayato-kun."

"I know that!" He groaned, slamming his head against the head of the car seat. "That's the worst part."

"How so?"

"Take me to your place."

His words were abrupt. I had already taken the exit back to the 20th Ward, but our apartments were in separate directions.

"Why?" I asked needlessly.

"Have you seen your hand? And I need to sober up...I'm not doing that at home. I don't want a Touka lecture."

I glanced at my left hand. It was slick with blood, dark red flakes flaking off as I bent my knuckles. But I wasn't injured, it was only a bit raw. And he certainly needed to sober up, he was swaying in his seat, humming some tune unrecognizable to me. I drove the short distance to my apartment, hoping he wouldn't try to 'thank me' again.

 

* * *

 

"Oh god, Kaneki, please..."

Just as I was about to head up the flight of stairs, Ayato called for me. I glanced at him to see those hopeless, tired eyes glaring into my soul. It was for the best. I didn't want him tripping over the stairs, anyway. Releasing a sigh, I took a step in front of him and gestured to my back.

"Get on."

"Ohhho," he chuckled with exuberance. "Piggyback? I'm so fucking down."

I bent a bit and Ayato jumped on my back with ease. He laughed again, right beside my ear. The sound was earth-shaking for me, and not just due to the proximity. He was happy. And not only was he happy, he was happy with _me._ It felt as if I was wearing a backpack filled with feathers. His legs hugged my waist and I held onto them, unable to ignore the supple flesh he possessed. But I didn't touch him like I did the last time he was drunk. I didn't want any more of his torment that he considered to be humor. But the warmth of his soft body against mine, his breath tickling my neck...that wasn't as easy to deal with as carrying his weight was. I began to walk up the first flight of stairs, and that's when I heard his deep inhale.

"Mm..." he nuzzled his nose into the crook of my neck, still enunciating poorly. "You smell good, Kaneki."

I parted my lips to respond with something witty and shrewd, but I had lost my intelligence for a second time tonight. My sense of touch overloaded as he pressed his yielding lips to my neck, taking another breath. He cursed, squeezing me tighter with his legs.

"And how do I taste?"

"I'm not sure yet," Ayato muttered as I reached the second set of stairs. The arms that were wrapped around my neck for support grazed my jaw, soon running his fingers over my lips. His index made their way in, tracing the seam of my lips. He sketched the perimeter of my lips, emitting a breathless noise. "I'll have to taste more of you to find out."

I swallowed against my barren throat, carrying him the rest of the way in silence. He chuckled, knowing he had caught me in his trap. Knowing I was right where he wanted me, and I was right where I wanted to be. I don't think he was trying to trick me into silence this time, but I couldn't do this with him. Not while he was drunk. I wanted him clear-headed...if we were to be intimate ever again I would need all of him.

"Don't be so shy with me, Kaneki," he cooed my name, delving his face into my shoulder again as I stopped outside my door. I fumbled for my keys, my hands shaking. "I thought you liked me."

As I unlocked the door he jumped down, crashing against the wall and hitting his head. He cursed loudly and I pulled him to my side. I sighed and looked into wishful eyes. He was waiting for me. Waiting for me to initiate and I wouldn't. "I'm going to give you some coffee and Advil. Then I'll take you home."

Ayato smiled and scrunched up his nose, having no intention of giving up so easily. "We'll see."

We walked into my apartment and I shut on the living room light. It was a one bed and bath, my kitchen a complete joke. But it was planned out nice enough. I had several bookshelves on display in the main area and my room, and was waiting for the ridicule as I walked over to the kitchen.

"It's like a goddamn library in here," I watched Ayato trail over to the bookshelves, poking at the spines.

"Shut up and sit down before you knock something over."

He obliged, heading over to the couch and sighing with exhaust. As I started up with the coffee I glanced up to see Ayato looking into an empty cup that was resting on the coffee table. He reached into his pocket and pulled out another slender cigarette.

"You don't mind, do you?"

"Go ahead."

As he sparked up I pulled out some cups, turning on the machine. I poured in the grinds and let it boil and steep. Ayato began humming again, tapping his foot as he smoked away. Another smile crossed my lips. I'm glad I answered his call. The underlying heat of anger was still present from the incident at the club, but I was letting it simmer and die down. I didn't want to scold him any further and ruin his time, because he was clearly enjoying himself and my company. And with Touka's blessing, that was one less con checked off the list. But I still had to figure out some way to coax him into detox. But I wouldn't bring it up tonight. He hadn't used from what I could see. Naturally, he caught me staring at him. He exhaled smoke and gave me a playful wave that shielded most of his face. I laughed at the sight and tended to the coffee.

"Here you are," I set down two cups for us and a few Advil for him. He dropped the cigarette into the empty cup and immediately popped the medicine.

"Thank you. I feel better already actually," his words were becoming much more clear, and he stopped playing his internal music. He took a large gulp of the coffee, eyes widening. "Holy shit. This is fucking good."

"Only for the best."

"You really are getting better at the flirting. I wonder where it came from," his eyes stayed on mine as I drank my own cup.

"Well, I was a little starstruck at first, but I'm past that phase. Sorry to disappoint."

"Oh no, I like it," he smiled mischievously and took another large sip. As he set his mug down the nerves began to seep in my stomach. "Know what else I like?"

"Whiskey. Cigarettes. Attention. Drawing."

"All true," his brow rose and he scooted a bit closer, close enough to see the way his pupils dilated when he gazed at me. "But what you did before...should I say thank you again?"

"You don't have to," I muttered. "I'd do it again. Just don't fucking go back there, Ayato-kun. Please."

"I won't," he nodded with certainty. I smiled at his truthful statement.

"Good."

"I guess Yamori wasn't lying. You can fight. I was very surprised."

"Wasn't much of a fight," I spoke into my the rim of my mug. "More like an execution."

"Yeah, almost," he laughed with disbelief. "You were about to stomp on his fucking head."

"Let's not talk about it."

"Can I at least say how fucking hot that was?" Ayato's gold fingers began to walk along my thigh.

"Ayato-kun-"

"Please," he exhaled, shutting his eyes for a moment. "Just fucking kiss me."

"You're drunk."

"Barely," he gave a shake of his head, brushing his hair off of his face. I glanced to him, dark lashes lining his eyes and cheeks flushed with alcohol and flattery.

"I don't want to make the same mistake twice," I whispered, my thumb brushing against his jaw as I placed my cup down.

"I'm right here. I'm sober enough. I know that's what your concern is. But I'm fine. And you're fine. And you're going to kiss me. It won't be the same as the last time," his eyes fluttered open as he licked his lips, whispering a couple more words of encouragement. "It won't."

With a small inhale of air, I leaned forward and pressed my lips to the tip of his nose. He scoffed and took my hair in his hand, pulling me into a real kiss. Ayato had mashed our lips together, more rough than he intended. I ran my fingers along his neck and gave him a gentler peck, reveling in this slower kiss. He moaned quietly with a response of the same pressure, the grip on my hair loosening. As my mouth parted over his I removed his hand, sliding it down to my jaw. He held my face with the same ferocity. He was right. This wasn't a mistake, and this was different. I could feel favorable emotions behind his lips, and feel the raging lust from his grasp. His tongue met mine, swirling with grace. Truthfully, it felt odd to kiss him this way. With affection and courtesy.

But this was Ayato we were talking about. He wasn't courteous, he wasn't amiable, and he wasn't kind. As his piercing flicked against my tongue he fanned the flames. I had no reason to resist any longer. Or if there was a reason, I didn't care. I didn't want to think anymore. I didn't want to think or speak, I wanted to act. I pushed his hand off of my jaw and placed my hands on his shoulders, shoving him down so he was on his back. I watched his eyes widen before I divulged in another kiss. His slender leg curled around my waist, pulling me in further. He was harder than I thought he'd be, and the feeling of this aching pleasure caused me to moan into his mouth. His hands were in my hair, clutching the strands again. I lifted the hem of his shirt and caressed his smooth skin, squeezing his side gently.

"Oh, fuck..." He whimpered as I eased my waist against his with more pressure, his cock brushing mine. My hand left his torso and went to his jaw, forcing his head to adjust so I could taste more of his sweet mouth. He began to clasp at my arms, my muscles tensing underneath his touch. My rationale was far gone, and I could only think about how far this would go. To see his body, to _feel_ his body, to show him that I never wanted anyone this badly, that I could never want anyone else again. To show him I wanted to take care of him, and that I wanted to give him the altruism he deserved.

"Take me to your room."

I pressed our lips together one more time before rising off of him. He took my hand and I led him to my bedroom, shutting the door behind us and clicking the light on.

"That's bright..." He muttered, confidence shrinking.

"I want to see you," I pulled him in by the waist, pressing my lips to his cheek. "Is it too bright? I can-"

"You're talking too much."

His fingers found their way up my shirt, connecting his lips to the flesh of my throat. I sighed at the sensation of his warm lips, reaching for his top as well. I pulled both shirts he was wearing over his head and let them fall to the floor. I eased back for a moment, kissing his shoulder, then his upper arm. But my lips crossed contrasting flesh. Only then I felt him hesitate. I peered at his arm, seeing a healed and white scar. I looked down his left arm, and now Ayato was frozen in place. They were sporadic, but visible. Scars of differing colors, white and pink. Healed and shaded over time. My eyes trailed down to his wrist to see something more fresh. My breathing hitched. Let this be a fucking dream. I took his arm, flipping the limb so his palm was facing upward. They rested above the blue veins, red raw and risen. Slice after slice they were stacked. Horizontal, vertical, diagonal. One cut after another, one cut above another. The skin surrounding was its usual pale, but clouding the cuts were a soft pink. Ayato released a shaky exhale, running his free his through his hair, even more mutilating cuts piled on his right arm.

"Fuck."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sry for the short-ish chpt, i'll be 2 busy celebrating my son's bday tmrw


	7. Ken

For a brief moment, my mind was vacant. I had to examine his wrists carefully to make sure none of these cuts would become infected. Ayato kept his mouth shut this entire time, motionless as I took a closer look. None of them were an odd color, or secreting anything suspicious. But they were fresh, like they had been inflicted just days ago. The skin was red and risen, the majority of his wrist swollen with cuts. These were deep. You can tell when there was anger behind a cut. The slice will be uneven, varying in depth, swiftly delivered. Each cut was, and each line of red had its own story. My eyes traveled back up his arm to check for track marks. I ran my thumb along the inner crease of his elbow. There were a few pricks from the needle, subtle in size and nonexistent in color. I ran my hand along his opposing arm and did the same, flipping over his limb. There were cuts there as well, swiped on the inside and outside of his wrist. These cuts were methodical and clean. They weren't angry. They were impassive.

On both arms he had cuts on his inner arms as well, lined along his bicep. Those were faded, white as his skin. The cells had done their work, patching up the skin and making sure blood was delivered where it was needed- but it would never heal. Now I understood the long sleeves, and was disappointed that I wasn't able to put that together myself.

I didn't know a thing about this. About someone intentionally hurting themselves, cutting over and over to release anger or just to feel something. What a horrible urge to have. To hurt yourself. To say fuck you to your body and the work it does. To be lost in the sight of red, the flick of a blade.

"It's rude to stare," a mumble left his lips as I still held onto both of his wrists.

There was an aching in my core, a pain stabbing at my skull. One of anger. It was a familiar feeling, the same one I had when I found out about the drugs. How could you do this to yourself? Why would you want to? Why don't you fucking think about the pain you cause?

...but no one else's pain compared to this. In fact, no one else's pain mattered. Not to me, anyway. Right now, it wasn't relevant how shocked or angry or sad I felt. It was about Ayato.

"These are emotional," I held up his left hand, then his right. "These aren't. Why?"

"Kaneki," he whispered my name, his voice not breaking one bit. "You really want to hear about this?"

I peered up at him. There wasn't a hint of emotion on his face, only his eyes were brimming with water as if he'd just yawned. I released his arms and nodded. He exhaled and picked up his tank top from the floor, tossing it back on.

"I'm going to need a cigarette."

We both exited my room and returned to the couch. Ayato had left his pack and lighter on the coffee table, and immediately picked it up before sitting down. He retrieved a cigarette and lit the end with shaky hands, running his fingers through his hair as he exhaled. I sat down on the couch, but it didn't seem like he'd be joining me. He rose and began to pace.

"Sometimes it's kind of just like fuck you, you know? Everyone fucking hates me anyway," he took a long drag. "But no one's ever seen them except the people I shoot up with, so it's not like I'm throwing it in their face or anything. It's just one big joke."

Though I wanted to respond I remained quiet, bringing my hands together on my lap as he continued.

"And then it's a fuck you to myself. Because in all honesty, I'm a piece of shit."

He stopped in his tracks and kept our eyes connected, hitting his cigarette as he waited for a response.

"Doesn't it hurt?"

"Of course it fucking hurts," his brow furrowed as he released a cloud of smoke.

Stupid question.

"Then...does it feel good?"

"At the time. It feels great at the time. Then there's the aftermath. I never look at it afterwards, only when I'm doing it. Only when it's bleeding. Then I wrap it up and pretend it never happened. But it did. The sting whenever I stretch my wrist too much, always having to wear a certain kind of shirt. Then. Then you feel like the most idiotic person on the planet."

"It's not idiotic-"

"It's weakness."

"You're not weak."

"Yes I am."

"I..."

What could I say? He would only retort with the opposite of every statement I'd make, and it felt a bit pointless to try and soothe him.

"See? This isn't something you want to talk about."

I took a deep breath and attempted to settle my thoughts. He wasn't inflicting with the intent to kill, all of his cuts were horizontal. They weren't lethal in depth, either. I only had one question.

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why do you do it?" I stared at my hands in my lap, unable to keep eye contact at the moment.

"I explained it to you as best I can. Beyond that, I don't really know. The pain feels good and...and it's deserving."

"Deserving?"

Now I chose to glance up at him. I watched him hit the cigarette another time before he leaned over, tapping his ash into the empty cup. His jaw was set and now _he_ wouldn't look at _me._ He was the one who said it. Was he referring to the drugs? Or the fact that his family saw him as a nuisance in general? Either way, he didn't respond. I exhaled, viewing him stand frozen in place. The soft light of the moon seeped in through the windows, illuminating his skin in a gray and ghostly manner. His cuts were highlighted as well, red and rough against his smooth skin.

"I know enough about self-hatred," I mumbled, staring as the smoke danced around him. "I couldn't help my mother. Or my aunt. And they were all I had. I was all they had, and I couldn't help them."

"And that's why you want to help me," Ayato shook his head with an amused smile, but it soon blended back into antipathy. He looked up at me with eyes redder than his wrists, tears on the cusp. "Have you ever hurt someone?"

Before me in this haunting light, he was the embodiment of melancholy. I had never seen a sadder looking human being. His voice was firm, but it lingered as a whisper in my ears.

"Of course-"

"No," his hair swayed again, shaking his head. "Have you ever _really_ hurt someone? Anyone? Something so severe that you can't take it back?"

"No..." I responded, dropping my gaze. "I don't believe so."

I'm assuming he had. And I had no idea what he was speaking of, and I was too frightened to ask. I almost didn't want to know, the words were caught in my throat. Ayato sensed this and spoke up.

"It's deserving," he repeated. "That's all you need to know."

"When did it start?"

"Recently."

"I'm sorry, Ayato," I glared down into the black floor, holding my temples. I removed my filter. "I don't know what to say. I want to comfort you- and you're so far away from me. I wish I could string together the right words and say the right thing. Say the right thing so you wouldn't hurt yourself. Not with drugs or blades or anything else. I don't want you to hurt yourself and I know you don't want that either. And I don't only want to help you because I couldn't help my mother or my aunt or whatever. I want to help _you._ No, I _want_ you. Not just because of how you look. Because of who you are. I see something so familiar within you. That fear of solitary and being unloved and everything in between, everything that comes with that. I've experienced myself. I fucking hated myself for the longest time. There were times when I thought I wanted to be dead, too. But it will pass. And I can be there for you. If you let me."

"I believe you," he walked over, sitting down beside me and flicking the ash off again. "I do. It's just odd...this isn't something I'm used to."

"I know," I planted a kiss on his bare shoulder, then proceeding to trail my hand down his back. He glanced in my direction and smiled.

"You're really nice, aren't you? Were you always like this?"

"I'd like to think so."

"It reminds me of my father," his eyes slipped shut and he took another drag off the cigarette. "Always so nice to everyone. So fucking considerate and polite and well-spoken."

"I remind you of him?"

"Quite a bit," Ayato hung his head and smoke crept out from beneath his hair. I remained silent so he looked over his shoulder with widened eyes. There was a newfound lightness to them. "Are you creeped out now? It's no mystery why I prefer someone who's older than me, but I've never been attracted to someone so...kind."

"You deserve someone who's kind to you, Ayato-kun," I reassured him and leaned back into the couch.

"Can't say I agree, but," he shrugged and brought the cigarette to his lips.

"I met him earlier today, actually."

"What?" His voice heightened with urgency though he didn't bother to look back at me.

"You're right. He is nice. He invited us over for dinner."

Ayato laughed at that for a good solid minute, flipping his hair over his shoulder and crushing his cigarette into the cup. Yeah, I thought so. He wasn't the least bit interested in hearing a single thing about his father, even if it had to do with me as well. He didn't care how when or why I met him.

"Why did he kick you out?"

"Which time?" He crossed his arms.

"This time."

"He didn't find the drugs, I know that's what you're thinking. I'm not that stupid. We were fighting too much."

"About?"

"My mother."

"Your mother...?"

"The money and the accident and everything else. I wouldn't say he kicked me out this time. It was more...mutual. But it's happened before and I've ran away more times than I can count."

"I really did think it was the drugs..."

"I'm insulted," he scoffed, standing up from the couch. "You think I'm some senseless junkie who doesn't know how to hide my shit? I'm crafty."

"Where are you going?" I asked as he proceeded to the kitchen.

"I'm hungry. So I'm going to make us something."

"Oh," I bit down on my lip with excitement. I didn't even take note of how hungry I was, I assumed this caving sensation in my stomach was due to this new information. "I really don't have much-"

"You have...bread," Ayato peered at the bread bowl on the counter before opening up the fridge. There was some shuffling around in there as well. "And cheese. That's enough."

I rose from the couch as well and walked over to the kitchen. I leaned on the counter, watching Ayato pull out ingredients. He had butter, the cheese, and some spices as well.

"And it's Gouda. Oh yeah, we're eating good tonight," he set down the materials and pulled a hair tie from his pocket. He snapped his locks into a loose bun and reached for a pan that was hanging above the stove. "I'm guessing you're just going to stare in your usual, creepy way?"

"Yup."

"Figures," Ayato placed the pan on the stove and clicked on the heat. He picked up the bread and untied the bag, pulling out four slices and setting them on a large platter nearby. He was very organized, not a skip in his movements. I watched him peel open the butter, slicing off a pat and sliding it onto the heat with his finger. Then he picked up the pan, whirling around the butter with finesse. It was surprising, really. I underestimated him too often. With a soft hum he began to prepare the sandwiches, lining the bread with several pieces of cheese. He popped open the couple of spice bottles, sprinkling deftly. I wasn't sure what he had grabbed, but it looked like black pepper and...onion powder, perhaps. He topped the sandwiches off. "You're not even ready for this. I've been told many a time that I make the best grilled cheese on the planet."

"I don't doubt it," I sighed, leaning on my hand and smiling at him. He laid the first one in the pan, soaking it in the sizzling butter. As he pressed at it with the spatula, he began to scratch at his elbows. Then his neck. They were hard, abrasive scratches that left his skin raw. "Ayato-kun, try not to scratch so hard-"

"Shut up," he waved me off with the spatula. "I can't cook with you staring at me anyway."

"You seemed to be doing just fine."

"I said go."

I held up my hands in surrender, backing away and placing myself back on the couch. He continued to cook and the smells drifted over, my stomach turning in anticipation. It was displeasing to watch him claw at his skin like that. Another symptom. But I'd set it aside for now. At least until we've eaten. What with him opening up a bit about his self-mutilation, I doubt he'd be willing to talk any further tonight. He walked over with two steaming sandwiches on the platter. I set aside the coffee cups and he placed the platter down, taking a seat close beside me. He connected our lips for a brief moment. It was surprising as it was blissful.

"Here," Ayato picked up a sandwich and handed it to me. I took the food from his hands, my eyes following the cuts along his arm. He noticed this but said nothing, only taking his sandwich in hand. He took a large bite, and I was relieved to know his appetite was fine. He sighed into his food as I took a bite. My taste buds sang as the cheese hit my mouth, a pleasant spice lingering afterwards. As I swallowed he looked to me for approval. "Well?"

"It's the best grilled cheese on the planet."

He chuckled. "Oh, I know."

We ate in silence, the only thing audible was the sound of my own chewing. Oh yeah, and my racing thoughts. Those were present. I was happy he had cooked for me and was even happier that he was in a good mood, but I needed to have the talk with him. The talk of detox the talk of rehab the talk of drugs. I didn't believe he was up for that. And I couldn't help but notice his eating slowed, eventually placing his half-eaten sandwich down as I finished mine. I watched him wipe his fingers off on his jeans, beginning to pick the scabs on his wrist with twitching fingers.

"Ayato," I snatched his hand away from his now bleeding wrist, and he attempted to pull back. "Stop it."

"Let go."

"When did you last use?"

"Um..." his face scrunched up in thought, and he shook his head. "I don't fucking remember."

"I wanted to talk to you about this anyway-"

"Of course you did," he rolled his eyes at me, slumping into the couch's cushions. I released his hand and it fell to his side. "Say your piece."

Ayato stared at me with widened eyes. He looked less mournful than he did twenty minutes ago, but that's because he had already began to withdrawal. He blinked rapidly and lifted his hands, beginning to crack the knuckles. I took his hands in mine, holding them together. He sighed, taking a deep breath and peering down at my hand.

"Oh..." The blood from that asshole was still dried on my knuckles, the skin a bit raw. I had forgotten about it entirely. "Come."

I could see it was better for him to have something to do with his hands. So I allowed him to lead me to the kitchen sink, running my hand under cool water. He scrubbed off the blood, a bit too rough for me but I didn't protest.

"When did you first start using?" I asked as he turned off the sink, reaching for a kitchen towel. As he began to dry my hand he pursed his lips.

"I first tried it about a year ago. How long have I been using frequently...? Maybe a few months."

I exhaled, taking my hand back and rubbing away at my eyes. A few months. It could be worse. I only had one more question left.

"Who introduced you to it?"

"My ex," he blinked a few times before folding his hands together and sighing. "Is that it? I need you to drive me home."

"...it's almost five in the morning. And who was your ex?"

"We can talk about that some other time," he latched onto my shirt and looked up at me. His eyes were bloodshot, dark irises scanning mine. "I'm serious, Kaneki. Take me home."

"You must be high if you think I'm going to drive you home so you can go shoot drugs into your system. I'm not enabling you."

"You want me to withdrawal right here and now?" His brow furrowed with petulance as his eyes widened. "Do you want to hold my hair as I throw up? Be my punching bag? Hold me down as I convulse and bring me blankets and water and tissues and toilet paper because I'll have the shits so fucking badly?"

"Of course, I'll do all of those things for you-"

"At five in the morning?" His grip weakened and he sighed, his nose running already. "Fuck..."

I wiped his nose with my fingers, picking up the watery liquid. He shook his head in revulsion.

"What are you doing? So gross," he dropped his head in shame and rubbed away at his nose.

"Nothing from you can ever be gross," I paused and kissed his forehead, his skin flaming hot underneath. He had to use. If I didn't drive him, he would leave himself. I didn't want him walking alone and I didn't want him withdrawing right here and now. I was stuck in this threshold, and it would end with him using anyway. "I'll take you home."

"Thank you," he sighed immediate relief, pressing his face into my chest.

 

* * *

 

The ride home was relatively short. They only lived several minutes down the block. Ayato had already wrapped himself in his sweater, tugging his knees to his chest and swearing at me for even turning on the AC. I mean, I had to buckle him in myself. It must've been longer than he thought. What a fucking terrible place for him to be in. He didn't even want to be high, he just wanted to feel normal. He was at that point. And although it was terrible, he put himself there. I didn't want to be too harsh with him, but this had to come to an end and soon. He was killing himself and we both knew it. Only one of us was okay with it.

As he whimpered in the passenger seat, I held out my hand for him. He took it without thought, squeezing it with such pressure I could feel my bones grind and shift against each other. He cursed and cursed and cursed himself, tucking his other hand beneath his arm as he shook back and forth.

"This is what it does, you know. Clearly you know that," I pulled up onto their street.

"Shut the fuck up, Kaneki. Say one more word and I'm going to kill you."

"I really do feel bad for you," I reminded him, turning the wheel with my single hand. "But if you don't detox yourself soon, I'll find some other way to have it done for you."

His hand shook within mine as I parked in front of their apartment. He looked up at me, the circles under his eyes darker than I'd ever seen them. I hardly recognized this person as Ayato, they were a mere shell- the heroin taking over and speaking for him. Communicating for him and attacking his cells and destroying his brain.

"You wouldn't," he whispered, out of breath as if he'd just run a mile.

"I would."

"Fuck!" He shouted and slammed his head against the back of his seat, snatching his hand away. "Fine, you fucking prick! I'll do it. Just not tonight."

"Do you mean that?"

"Yes," he nodded at me with his deprived eyes, not even saying goodbye as he let himself out of the car. I watched him run and hobble up the stairs.

As I reversed, I felt no relief. I knew his agreement was an empty promise, and I had no expectations of him checking himself into rehab or starting the detox himself. I wasn't lying, though. If push came to shove, I would call the police. I would tell Touka. I would do whatever it took to prevent him from going through the pain I just witnessed for myself. To watch him scratch his skin bloody and to see him shake with the cold and pant from the heat. Anything to prevent that. Even if it meant he would hate me.


	8. Urie

I didn't sleep much at all last night. Or this morning, I should say. I was able to get in a few hours before regaining consciousness at around 9 AM. It was difficult to sleep with the images I had in my head. The sounds. The sight of blood-broken skin and watery eyes, the sound of shallow breathing and pleading for the pain to stop. This had begun to consume me. Though I had given up on sleeping, I hadn't moved from my bed. I laid there for hours. I stayed immobile until I received a text.

 _Touka: sent at 12:35_  
**_Good morning ^ ^_**

 _Me: sent at 12:35_  
**_Good morning, Touka-chan_**

 _Touka: sent at 12:37_  
**_Come over when you can, gotta talk to you_**

With a sigh, I rolled out of bed. I had a feeling I already knew what this talk would entail. And even though I felt like a corpse walking, I put myself behind the wheel and drove myself to their apartment.

 

* * *

 

"Hey- oh," once Touka opened the door she grimaced, observing my drained state and appearance. "You okay, Kaneki?"

"I'm fine," I trudged in past her, carrying myself to the couch and falling onto the furniture face first.

"I have coffee made if you want some."

"I do, please," I spoke, muffled against the fabric. As I heard Touka pour the coffee I shifted on the couch, adjusting my position so I was laying down on my side. I don't know why I was able to get comfortable here so quickly, as opposed to at home in my bed. I could actually fall asleep like this...

"Here."

She set down the cup on the table before me and took a seat on the arm of the couch.

"Why are you so tired?"

"Late night," I mumbled, leaning up on my arm and reaching for the coffee. I needlessly swirled the liquid around a bit before taking a sip. It gave my body a substantial shot of warmth, but the heat only made me more tired. I began to nod off, my eyes slipping shut.

"You were with Ayato, right?"

"Yeah..." I responded as my head grew heavier. "He wanted a ride. We ate and then I drove him home."

A lot happened between that, but I was too exhausted to pull apart the pieces in my mind right now. It was all a muddled blur, one of scars and cigarettes and resisting tears.

"Good. I get worried when he stays out all night...I didn't sleep much myself."

"Were you awake when he got back?" I took another sip, forcing my bleary eyes open.

"Yeah. But he pushed past me and took one of his fake showers. I don't know what his deal is."

How could Touka be this oblivious to something so obvious? Or did it just seem obvious to me now, because I knew? Either way, she didn't know about his self-mutilation or the extent of the his drug problem. To be fair, he hid it well enough...I had no right to be frustrated with her. She was doing her best with him. I was just stuck in this awkward position of wanting to keep quiet for his sake and wanting to scream for help for mine.

"He'll grow out of it, Touka-chan," I glanced to her. "He will."

"I hope so."

"Is he here?"

"Yeah. You can go say your hellos after I'm done."

"Oh...okay," I set down the mug, growing too weak to hold it up any longer. My head hit the couch's cushioned arm and she exhaled a heavy sigh.

"Though it might be pointless seeing as how you're hardly awake. You know what? Go sleep. In Ayato's room."

"What? No...I'll go back home."

"Right," there was a clink and she swiped my keys from my pocket. "You're in no condition to drive. Just go have a power nap."

I had no energy to argue. With a groan I pushed myself up from the couch and drug my body along to his door. I opened it, not bothering to knock.

"Motherfucker...you're mine now," I rubbed away at my eyes to see him playing on a handheld. Maybe it was his phone. I didn't know, my entire head felt like it was expanding and cracking open. "Oh, Kaneki. Come right on in- oh!"

I collapsed onto his bed at the foot and curled up. Tucking my head against my arm shielded the light, and I was already beginning to feel sleep's calm hands ease me into unconsciousness.

"What are you doing down there? Don't you want a pillow?" His game snapped shut and he tossed the device at me, skidding it across my back. It ached with a minute pain as I looked up at him with tired eyes.

"Yeah."

"Come here," he gestured me over with a pull of his fingers. I kicked off my shoes and hauled myself up towards him. He released a short gasp when I crashed against his chest, but it melted into soft laughter. Then I felt his gentle fingers in my hair, pushing my bangs aside.

"Do you feel better..." I asked, taking an inhale of his scent.

"Well, yeah. Thanks for asking."

"Of course, Ayato-kun."

"You are cute when you're tired," he sighed, his fingers halting. "I suppose you can stay."

"How fortunate I have your permission," I spoke against his chest. "I don't think you'd be capable of moving me, anyway."

"Shut up."

Ayato leaned his head against mine. Though I was teetering on the edge of sleep, I was still conscious enough to enjoy this. Enjoy the comfort of his cool body and the pressure of his touch, his weight against mine. There was nothing else quite like it. I fell asleep in an instant.

 

* * *

 

When I woke up it was late. Dark outside, dark inside. The weight in my head had thankfully lifted and I felt normal once again. But I had overslept. It was too dark to find my phone so I could check the time. I slowly sat up from his bed.

"Ayato-kun?"

He hadn't been next to me when I woke up. Once I stood to my feet in the darkness a light clicked on. It was the bathroom light, at the end of his bedroom. Past the aquarium and the door and the closet. I began to walk to the bathroom, towards the halo of light that emanated from the closed door. Once reached I curled my fingers around the knob and opened the door. The light was white and blinding, like one you'd find in an interrogation room.

The bathroom was empty except for him, seated on the ground.

"Ayato?" I called out to him another time. I was unsure how I recognized him, because he looked different from the Ayato I knew.

For one he was wearing color, a purple t-shirt. It was still a dark shade, sure, but color nonetheless. I had never seen him in any other shade but black. His hair was cut short, choppy. Like he had received a poor haircut, though it didn't look bad in the least. In his left hand he held a small switchblade and was twirling the blade against the tile floor, not even creating a scratch. All the scars on his arms were healed, white or pink. He looked fuller, too, and his pallid skin had color for once. I sighed relief, releasing the doorknob.

"You look good."

"Of course you would say that."

His voice was flat in a familiar, emotionless tone.

"I mean it. You look healthy."

He didn't answer. I watched his fingers around the knife twitch, bringing the blade from his left hand to his right.

"No!" When I tried to reach for him I was stopped by a glass wall. Or, I don't know what it was. It was an unspeakable force and pressure, one that I couldn't pass. One that I could feel in my heart, that weighed on my chest. He was right in front of me and there was nothing I could do. He drug the knife across his wrist with medium pressure. It left a streak of red, beading as he continued. My eyes burned with tears as he held up his hand and cut the outside of his wrist, flicking the blade with a delicate hand. His face gritted in pain, grinding his teeth as he exhaled heavily. I could do nothing but watch as he cut his inner arm, upper arm, even his hands. Then he repeated the act on the other arm. He was covered in small and large cuts, his arms crying red and blood dripping from his fingertips. It kissed the tile floor. He replaced the healed scars with fresh cuts, looking like he'd just rolled around in a pile of glass shards. I could only sob and feel myself shrink. "Stop..."

"What is it, Kaneki?" He spoke with a soft voice, looking up at me. His eyes were clear and bright, not a shade of gray underneath them. They were smiling at me. "This is right, isn't it? Become the one that gets hurt, instead of hurting others."

 

* * *

 

I was pulled from my sleep, and thankfully my nightmare came to an end. I woke up with a raging headache, my entire body cold with shivers. And my heart was racing. I thought for a second it might give, but I was being over dramatic. It was just a dream.

Still, I scrambled out from his bed and checked the bathroom. It was full, holding a counter and a shower and toiletries, but no Ayato. I ran out of his room and was in the living area before I could blink.

"Oh, good. You're awake."

I released a quiet sob when I saw Ayato standing in front of the sink, drinking from a water bottle. His hair was long his clothes were black his skin was pale and I recognized him. He was in my arms before I could respond with words. I squeezed him so tight I felt him squirming with displeasure beneath me.

"Jesus-! Let go for fuck's sake. I knew you'd get all emotional when you woke up and I wasn't there."

He spat his words at me and I laughed, taking his hair in my hands and pulling him into a kiss. Just a few, close-mouthed kisses that he easily melted into, his hands grabbing at my waist. I don't know what that dream meant. I don't know why he repeated my mother's words back to me. I didn't want to know. Not right now. Right now I only wanted to feel the soft pressure of his lips, his breathing growing heavy against my mouth.

"Can't you do that later?" Touka groaned, her presence beyond startling. I pulled my hands off of him and put distance between us, turning to his sister. She narrowed her eyes at Ayato, not even glancing in my direction.

"What? He came onto me," her brother shrugged with innocence.

"You're supposed to be leaving, aren't you?"

"Yeah," I just now noticed his pile of clothes on the counter. He grabbed them and tucked them under his arm.

"Wait- where are you going?"

"Hinami's. She needs help with her hair, and her flat iron is superior to Touka's. So," he walked past me and headed for the door. "See you in a few."

"Be careful!" I shouted before he closed the door behind him.

Ayato laughed. "I'll try not to burn myself. Bye, Aneki."

"Bye."

The door shut and I was left with Touka. She glanced to me, eyes like ice.

"If I see you with your hands on my brother ever again we're going to have a serious problem."

"W-What?" My headache raged on as she spoke.

"It's disgusting. I know the other day I said it was fine, but I don't think so anymore...you're so much older than him and...and..." Her face twisted up in laughter and she covered her reddened face, howling into her palms. "The look on your face! Ah. That's priceless."

"You two are going to kill me," I muttered, staggering back a bit and holding my head. I can't believe I fell for that shit a second time. What was pain for me was humor for them. I had to get out of here before I had a serious medical problem.

"Idiot," she sang and walked over to me. "I've seen much worse. And it's so much fun to break your balls. You make it too easy, Ken."

Touka gave me a light shove with her arm and I lifted my head.

"I'm really happy for the both of you, actually."

When our eyes met she grinned. I sighed, my heartbeat finally slowing.

"Thank you, Touka-chan. You don't know what that means to-"

"Ah, ah," she interjected and waved me off. "I'm not talking about this now. I need you to do me a favor."

"What is it?"

"I was trying to tell you before. I'm having a party tonight. The semester'll be over soon and I think it's high time to show off the new place. Right?"

"Ahh- yes," I answered, my brain still a bit wired. I could hardly sort my thoughts at the moment. At least my headache had faded.

"Just a few people. I was going to ask you to pick up more drinks and cups, but you passed the fuck out. So I just need you to pick up Hide. He did it for me instead. And while you're out take a shower, too. Seriously. You look like hell."

"Got it," I nodded rubbing away at my eyes. When I looked up she had tossed my keys at me. I caught them with my right hand.

"Also, there's a theme. You have to wear white."

"Ugh," I groaned, now noting her attire. She was wearing a simple white long sleeve dress. Another one of her winter parties. I felt my head loll back. "Is my hair enough?"

"No. Winter is my favorite time of year and we're going to be in spirit, goddammit. Now go."

I heeded Touka's words and headed off to my apartment.

 

* * *

  

...I suppose now would be the time to contemplate my dream's meaning. The hot water hit my back, leaving me relaxed and a bit dazed. I never once had a good dream in my lifetime. Only nightmares. He had been sober. That was the one thing that was clear. He was sober and possibly fresh out of rehab, hence the different look he was carrying. So he had been cleaned of the drugs. But not the cutting. And maybe that was also like a drug in itself. In the sense that it was addicting for him. I didn't know.

The most unnerving part was the last thing he said to me. _Become the one that gets hurt, instead of hurting others._

"Mom..."

_Nice people are perfectly happy living that way._

I held my face, feeling silent tears mix with the streaming water. That advice she had given me was something I could never forget. And it was always in the back of my mind. I didn't understand its connection to Ayato or my relationship with him. Hell, maybe there was no connection. It was possible that it meant nothing, only that I had my brain running on less than four hours of sleep. That's what I decided to amount it to.

Out of the shower, I shuddered from the cold air. It woke me up a bit. I was still tired, more rested but still tired. And I didn't know what I was going to wear. Something white.

White underwear. I could start with that.

I pulled on my boxers and swiped the first white shirt I saw. It was a wrinkled Henley. As I unfolded it I noticed it was my Decemberists shirt, an album logo printed on the breast pocket. I tugged it on, grabbing a pair of black pants. I sure as hell wasn't wearing white on white so this would have to be enough for her. The closest thing I had to white shoes were my black and white oxfords. I wiped the dust off of them and stepped into the shoes. These were so old, I could hardly believe they still fit.

I slapped myself on the cheeks a few times to wake myself up before heading out the door.

Hide lived off campus, but still in the 20th Ward. It wasn't too long of a drive. I stopped outside his house and sent him a text. A few moments later he came stumbling out, carrying two large brown bags. I exited the car and popped the trunk for him.

"She said a few people..."

"Yeah, that's what she usually says," he sighed, catching his breath. "Just in case more people show up which they usually do."

"If this is one of her winter parties, then-"

"Yup," Hide grinned, reaching into the bag and pulling out one of the bottles. Peppermint liquor. One of the most vile things to have ever hit my tongue. "You guessed it."

"Guess I won't be drinking tonight," I sighed, perfectly fine with that fact.

"Ayato said he's bringing some, too," he went back into the house, grabbing another bag by the door. He shut it after him and locked it. White plastic cups. He tossed them into the trunk. "Rum and beer, I think."

"More palatable than this," I shut the trunk and walked back over to the driver's side, hopping inside.

"I like her winter parties, aside from the liquor."

Ah, yes. Hide was always in spirit. He did fine with the white on white, a white t-shirt and jeans that he always pulled out for occasion.

"It's the beginning of October. Hard to celebrate winter when it's fall."

"She gets excited for the snow."

"Do you think there'll be a snow machine this time?"

"No," he chuckled. "It was last minute. But I'm sure there'll be one for your birthday party."

 

* * *

 

When Hide and I arrived, there were already people there. A good amount, too. We cursed ourselves knowing Touka would be mad that we were late. But as we walked through the doors we only saw her giggling with her brother in the kitchen. I see Ayato had come through on his promise of alcohol, then. Hide and I said hellos and set down the supplies. Touka gave Hide a kiss and began to unpack, delighted she had her preferred drink.

The apartment had only a few lights on, the rest from giant illuminated snowflakes decorations that Touka put out during the winter time. Soft music was playing from the console, and for once today I was at ease. As I began to unpack the liquor I felt a tug on my hand. I knew whose it was, smiling to myself as I turned around.

"Come," he pulled me to the cooler that was pushed into the corner and popped it open. He offered me a beer and I took the drink from his hands. As he opened it for me I peered at his outfit. He was wearing a white button down, the collar and cuffs black. His jeans were black as well, distressed and torn up at the knees. The Converse he wore were white and his jewelry was silver. He smiled at me as he pulled the bottle cap off. His hair was tied into a loose ponytail, his bangs clipped off of his face. Just when I was about to tell him how good he looked he spoke again. "You should be thanking me like everyone else. You won't have to drink the liquor of doom."

"Everyone agrees it's that bad?"

"It tastes like toothpaste."

I laughed, taking a sip of the beer. "Well, thank you."

"You're welcome."

"But you're not old enough to buy. Who did it for you?"

Ayato pointed his jeweled finger towards the kitchen. I looked over my shoulder to see him pointing at Nishiki, him and Touka already pushing each other's buttons.

"Oh. Are you two friendly now?"

"Yeah. He apologized, so."

"He's not the ex you were talking about...is he?"

"Nah," he shook his head. "But shit has happened. Not that it matters."

I watched him take a gulp from his cup and knew it was going to be a long night.

"What? Don't look at me like that. I actually _don't_ plan on getting shitfaced tonight. It's for the party. I didn't want to subject them to that filth."

"Aren't you a good liar?" I teased. He rolled his eyes at me and stepped closer.

"Nice shoes," he complimented while looking at my eyes.

"Thank you. And it's nice to see you on the opposite side of the monochrome spectrum."

Ayato chuckled, taking another step. He ran a finger down the few buttons of my shirt. "The Decemberists? I knew you liked that indie shit."

"They're good. Keep being nice to me and maybe I'll make you a playlist."

"Hah. I'll stop then," he narrowed his eyes at me before sighing. "A shame you went casual. I was so looking forward to slowly unbuttoning you later..."

"Looks like you have enough for the both of us. I'm surprised to see you with a collar."

"What do you think?"

"I think you look amazing. I'm thinking if I should tell you everything that I want to do to you."

"I'd prefer you show me," he gave a small shrug. I pressed my lips to his forehead.

"I'll wait until after your detox. So I can properly reward you."

He brow twitched and he stretched his lips out into a thin smile. "Just when I was starting to forget that promise I made."

"Do you intend on keeping it?"

"Do you really think you're that much of a prize?" His head tilted in inquiry. "Plus, I've already seen your dick. Not like there's a whole lot of mystery."

"Fine," I took a swig of my drink. "Have it your way."

"I'm doing the detox, alright?" He took a step back, rubbing at the back of his neck. "Look- I don't want to talk about this here."

"Me either. Sorry for bringing it up."

"I'm empty," he muttered, swishing his drink around and heading to the kitchen.

Once I was seemingly alone I turned around to be greeted by friendly faces.

"Kaneki-kun."

"Kaneki-san."

Both Rize and Shuu squished me in a purple sandwich, hugging me without regard.

"You look lovely as ever, Kaneki-kun," Tsukiyama smiled down at me once I was freed.

"Agreed," Rize giggled and slumped onto my shoulder. "I'm so glad this semester is almost over, Kaneki-san. Aren't you?"

Rize and I shared a major, so we had plenty of classes together. Though one could call her a 'party girl', she was always very attentive in class. I pondered her question as I looked over at Ayato. He was talking with Nishiki and Hinami, looking a bit despondent. I wondered if he had plans for winter break already.

"Yes. I am. It's been rigorous."

"You can say that again," Tsukiyama sighed and we all sipped on our drinks.

I peered around the apartment. Everyone had a cup or bottle in hand, and more people came flooding through the door. It wasn't to the point of packed, but it was getting there. And through the mass of white clothing I spotted a familiar face seated on the couch.

"So, Kaneki, are you-"

"I'm sorry, excuse me," I shimmied away from the two and made my way to the couch. I looked down at the pair, the only two seated.

"Kaneki-san," Urie looked up at me with a smile. "I had thought to see you here."

"It's nice to see you, of course," I turned to his friend. "And you...?"

"Oh, this is my friend, Saiko."

Saiko had long blue hair tied up in high ponytails. Although she was sitting down, I could tell she was short in stature. Her legs were crossed up on the couch. She smiled and waved at me before eyeing the Playstation controller again. "Hello there. I've been wondering for the past fifteen minutes if it's socially acceptable for me to grab that and start playing."

"What's socially acceptable or not has certainly never stopped you before," Urie deadpanned and gestured to the controller. "I say go for it."

"Me too."

Saiko chuckled and snatched the controller, starting up whatever game was in the console. I watched as Urie took a sip from his cup, frowning in distaste.

"You haven't known Touka-chan long, have you?"

He looked up at me. "Ah, no. I have not."

"Come," I gestured for him to follow and I walked him over to the kitchen. "Touka always wheels this peppermint stuff out during winter. There's rum if you want it."

Urie sighed in relief and poured the swill down the sink. I watched him tip a good amount of rum into his cup and top it off with soda. He took a sip. "...that's much better."

"I know."

We shared a laugh and he shifted on his feet. "I'm glad to have run into you. I was getting bored."

"I take it I'm not boring?"

"That's yet to be discovered," he eyed me before taking another sip. I drank along with him.

"So, what's your major, Urie-kun?"

"Economics."

"Interesting choice."

"Not much of a choice. I have to find some way to support myself. It's working out so far," he shrugged, leaning into the counter.

"Don't want your parents help?"

"Orphaned."

"Oh," I nodded, feeling my face twist in disgust of my own ignorance. "I'm sorry. I've lost mine as well."

"It's hard, isn't it?" He glanced at me but from his expression I couldn't detect much suffering. Perhaps he hid it well. "But I get by. And with my commissions I live pretty comfortable."

"Commissions?"

"I paint."

"That's so nice," I found myself smiling. "My friend-"

"Ayato-kun!"

"You fucking bastard."

I looked over to see Ayato head to head with someone much larger than him. I released a nervous chuckle under my breath and turned to Urie. "If you'll excuse me."

There were enough people in the apartment that the commotion was going unnoticed. By most. I walked over to see Ayato with his arms crossed, glaring down the taller man. He was blond with black smeared around his eyes, gold jewelry clasping his ears. He didn't look angry, rather empathetic.

"You're still mad?!"

"You left me in the 11th Ward by myself. So yeah, I'm still mad. If it weren't for Kaneki I'd be tied up in someone's basement."

"Kaneki, Kaneki, Kaneki," he mocked, rolling his eyes. "Is that all you ever fucking talk about? I swear- oh. Hello. Are you he?"

Only just now they noticed my presence.

"Naki. It's nice to meet you," he extended his hand, a smile on his lips. "I've heard a lot."

I sighed, glancing at his hand. I didn't know a thing about Naki other than he was Yamori's brother. He was already off-putting. Nevertheless, I shook his hand. "Pretty shitty thing you did the other night."

"Would've never happened if I was there," Hinami suddenly chimed in at Ayato's side. "I'm never letting him go out with you again."

"Yes, Kirishima-san," he lowered his blackened lids at the girl, crossing his arms as well. I could see all of the condoling emotions from him had long passed. "You'd think you two were married, if it wasn't so obvious how much Ayato-kun loves cock."

"That's enough."

"Shut up, Kaneki," Ayato shook his head without looking at me. "How many times do I have to tell you?"

Right...he doesn't need my help. Well fuck that. I don't care if this guy was his friend or not. He was outright disrespecting Ayato and Touka, barging in just to make a scene.

"Well, guess what?" I ignored Ayato and turned to Naki. "You're making a fucking disturbance. So either shut up or I'll remove you."

"Oh, you are feisty," Naki grinned, bearing pearly teeth. "Just a...how did you put it, Ayato-kun? Just a perfect slice of coconut cake."

There were a few giggles from the spectators, Nishiki's the most audible. I glanced at Ayato to see his tongue pressed against his cheek, looking down at the floor in embarrassment. So I set down my beer and took Naki by the arm. I began to drag him to the door.

"Alright, let's go."

"Ah! Wait- I'm not done speaking with him," he didn't offer much protest.

"You are now," the party-goers quieted a bit, clearing the short path to the door for me. I opened it and tossed him out with ease.

"Call me," he frowned as I shut the door in his face.

When I turned around Ayato was standing right behind me, the look of humiliation still fresh on his pale face. Though the crowd had already seemed to forget, resuming their conversation or watching Saiko tap furiously on the controller.

"...I for one am delighted you would refer to me as a dessert item."

"As if that wasn't embarrassing enough," he spat, shaking his head at me as he walked back into the kitchen, pushing people out of his way. I watched him crack open the bottle of rum and take a pull.

"I know he won't say thank you, so I will," Hinami approached me. I could see Ayato did assist her with her hair, her brown waves falling in short curls. "Thank you."

"No need," I shook my head. "He was a headache. I don't know why that would upset him...clearly he didn't want him here."

"You should know by now, Kaneki-san," Hinami sighed, giving a slow shake of her head. "Ayato-kun doesn't want to feel like he's a burden. A thing to take care of. Like he's some delicate injured bird you want to fix."

"I don't see him that way," I looked back in his direction, watching him set the bottle down.

"I'm just telling you how _I_ know he feels," she pressed her lips together and walked off to go tend to her best friend.

"Fuck," I ran my hand through my hair, walking back to the kitchen to retrieve my drink. But Urie was already waiting for me, offering me the bottle. With a scoff, I thanked him. "All night I've been on one beer. May I?"

I gestured to his cup and he obliged, handing it to me. I took a few chugs just to feel the burn of the alcohol.

"Jeez..." He muttered when I handed back his near-empty cup.

"I'll get you another."

"It's fine," he waved me off, downing the rest and setting the cup on the counter behind him. That's when I felt the rum burning my chest and loosening my muscles. "So...Kirishima Ayato, huh?"

"I'm sorry?"

"The way you just threw that babbling idiot out, I would assume he's your boyfriend. At least your fuck buddy."

"No. Nope," I shook my head. "Neither."

"Just friends?"

"I'm not sure."

"Jealous," he released a sigh laden with envy, glancing in Ayato's direction. "He's ridiculously gorgeous."

"I know..."

"But seems kinda high maintenance."

"Do you even know him?"

"I've served him a couple of times," Urie glanced back in my direction. "And Touka liked to vent at work."

"You're not wrong."

"I know," he echoed, smiling at me. "But he's looking at me right now like any second is optimal timing to come gouge my eyes out of my skull. You should probably go talk to him."

I glanced at Ayato to see the look he was speaking of. He then passed the death glare to me then looked away, retreating to the corner.

"I think you're right."

"Usually," Urie sighed and ran his hand down my arm. "Nice seeing you again."

"And you."

Once Urie walked off I approached Ayato who was standing by himself with the cooler.

"Go away."

"No."

"Fine," Ayato took a step to walk away but I stepped in front of him. He looked up at me with the same vicious eyes. "Don't test me."

"Look, Ayato-kun. I don't want you to be angry with me. I'm sick of you being angry with me! It's so tiring. I don't think you're some fragile baby bird, okay? I just don't want you to hurt yourself," I whispered the last sentence. "And I'm not going to let some asshole waltz in here and mock you like that. Even if that asshole is your friend. I care about you and you know that. So don't get so fucking surprised every time I do something to show you that."

Ayato pressed his lips into a hard line. He took a step backward, leaning against the wall. "I can take care of myself."

"I know you can. But that won't stop me from throwing someone out next time they harass you. Or punching and almost _killing_ the next one that tries to assault you."

A smile fixed on his lips. "If you stick around, I'll doubt there'll be a next time."

"You're right."

"Don't think you're off the hook, though."

My mouth popped open as I feigned innocence. "Whatever could you mean?"

"Bite me," he flicked me off, crossing his arms afterwards. "I saw you talking to that coffee boy all night. What's his name again? Cookie? I'll fucking fight him."

"Kuki," I corrected him. "Please don't."

"He was putting his hands all over you!"

As I recall, Urie had touched my arm once.

"I don't understand why you're getting mad," I shook my head. "It's not like we're dating."

"Well, we are now," he confirmed. "And the next person who touches you is going to be picking their teeth up off the floor."

...what just happened? One minute Ayato and I are arguing as per usual, and the next he becomes this colossal green monster and proclaims himself as my boyfriend.

He pulled me in by my hand, his arms snaking around my neck. Without wait he parted his lips over mine, seeking out my tongue. He sighed into my mouth, fingers gripping my hair as we combined. For this short moment, everything was white hot. I grabbed at his hips, feeling him press into my waist. I moaned once, the sensation of his growing hardness against mine overwhelming. The kiss slowed as I released his waist, feeling my hand climb up the wall. He disconnected our lips but continued to stare, his look more docile this time around. He ran his fingers over my arm that was against the wall, over my underarm and down my rib cage to my hips. As he began to run his cool fingers along my waistband, I shuddered with each deft swipe.

"Is it usually this easy for you?"

Ayato took a sharp inhale, pursing his lips in thought. "Yes."

"This may not be something you want, you know. You're just possessive. You don't actually want to date me. You just don't want anyone else to."

"I do want to. Don't doubt yourself like that. It's a turnoff."

"I don't doubt that you want me. I doubt you want a real relationship with me."

"God," he gave a seething suck of his teeth. "I've kept you around this long, haven't I?! I've told you things I've never told anyone before. And when I'm with you...I'm happy...or the angriest I've ever been in my entire life- but usually happy. No one's ever made me happy before. Not really."

I sighed and cupped his blushing face. He leaned into my touch and shut his eyes.

"Give me a chance."

I had never pictured us dating, let alone him asking me. If this was another dream, it was long and tortuous. Because I didn't want this to be taken away from me. I would never forget this moment, Ayato saying I make him happy. That's all I ever wanted. I pressed our lips together. "Sure."

I still didn't doubt that alcohol or jealousy was at play here, but I'd enjoy this for the moment. I didn't want to ruin it. He wrapped me in a hug, laughing as I squeezed him tighter.

 

* * *

 

"We'll have to clean up," Touka slurred, rubbing at her left eye after she let the last person out. Now it was only the four of us. And surprisingly, Ayato and I were the sober ones.

"Let's leave it for tomorrow," Ayato yawned, leaning on my arm. "I for one am exhausted."

"Me too," I agreed.

"Me three," Hide groaned.

It was nearly three in the morning, and no one was going to clean up. There were cups scattered about the floor, sticky liquids spilling out of them. Then the kitchen- the counters were coated with alcohol and cookie crumbs. Oh, right. Hinami brought cookies.

"Fine," Touka was in no position to clean it up herself, so she agreed to go to sleep. She took Hide's hand and began to walk to her room. "Goodnight, guys."

"Goodnight-" I called to them but Ayato was already pulling on my hand. He shut us in there and locked the door, kicking off his shoes. "I am really tired..."

"It's not bedtime yet," Ayato muttered, walking over to me and pulling me into another kiss. My lips were slow against his. I could hardly keep my eyes open. Still, that didn't stop him from continuing. He invaded my mouth as his cool hands crawled up my shirt, clawing at my back with gentle pressure. I traced his piercing with my tongue and received a shot of energy. I don't know what he had in mind but I couldn't wait much longer.

I severed the kiss and inched back, pressing my lips to his neck. He moaned under a closed mouth, his hands still holding onto me. I began to unbutton his shirt, pulling away from his throat. He watched me with dark eyes, biting on his lip as I opened his shirt.

"You said after the detox," he reminded me, his voice just above a whisper.

"Fuck it," I gripped his hair in my hands, removing the clip. His bangs fell forward and he brushed them to the side.

"I like to keep the promises I make," he pulled my hand out of his locks and lifted the hem of my shirt. I raised my arms over my head as he peeled the clothing off. I let it fall to the floor as he fell against my chest, pressing a kiss to my skin. "Lie down."

I obliged, kicking off my shoes and laying down against the pillows. Ayato straddled my waist, immediately pressurizing my aching cock. I slipped my hands inside his shirt, touching the soft skin on his sides. His fingers found the button of my pants, unfastening them. He released me and I was hit with instant relief as his hand curled around me.

"You're mine," he reminded me, guiding my hands to his jeans. I undid them as fast as my fingers would allow. I eased his underwear down and held him in my hand. He moaned once, warm and throbbing. "I won't share you with anyone."

"I-I don't want anyone else," I grimaced as he pulled his hand off me, the ache returning. I watched him dampen his hand with saliva until it was slick.

He leaned forward, pressing the base of our cocks together. A moan rumbled in my throat and I felt his left hand grab my face as the right began touching me again. I cursed when I realized his intentions.

"Look at me," he commanded, pulling both of our cocks into his wet hand. I moaned, pressing into his touch. The grip on my face tightened. I opened my eyes, looking up at him. And he was looking down on me. Down with those cold, demanding eyes of his. "Say it."

"Say-"

"I want to hear you tell me," he began stroking our cocks together, mine slick against his. I moaned again, my hands gripping at the covers. "Tell me, Kaneki."

"I'm yours," I told him once I caught my breath. He released my face. I held onto his waist and sat up against the wall so the position was easier for him. I kissed his lips and he licked mine. "I'm yours, Ayato-kun."

Only then did he begin working his hand, pulling on both of us and falling into another kiss. With his free hand he gripped my hair, his tongue tracing my lips again. He moaned into my mouth as he moved faster.

"F-Fuck," he gritted through his teeth, pleasure seeping through his voice. His back arched as the numbness set in my hips, every sensitivity teased. He draped his free hand on my shoulder, squeezing as he stared me down with tired, hungry eyes. I stifled my moans through my teeth, peeling his shirt off his shoulders. It fell, exposing his pale skin. Again, it glowed gray and ghostly under the moonlight. And although his beauty was odd in its haunting manner, I was no less attracted. I ran my hand over his chest and pulled at his nipple with a gentle tug. He cursed again, squeezing me tighter against him.

"Ah...! K-Kaneki, I'm-"

I quickly pulled him into a kiss, my mouth absorbing his violent moans. As he came over his hand, I was able to come as well just from the sensation. It hit me so quick I was hardly able to feel it. All I could feel was Ayato's hands and tongue, heat spilling from me as this numbing hit spread outward from my core.

With a sharp exhale he reached for the nearby box of tissues, wiping his hand and our sensitive skin clean. He pressed a soft kiss to my lips, climbing off and collapsing at my side. I looked at down at him, running my fingers through his hair. I'd never seen anyone so beautiful in my life. And he wanted me, he wanted to _be_ with me. It was still difficult to wrap my mind around that concept. I wanted to think about it, to over-analyze and question why but I couldn't. I could only smile as I looked down at Ayato, tracing each edge of his face with my fingers.

"Mm," he shifted, putting a hand to my chest and pressing me down. He pulled the covers over himself and forced his way under my arm, against my chest. I smiled and held him tight, earning another small noise from him. Once his breathing steadied I was able to shut my eyes myself. With his hand laid over mine and his breath brushing my skin, I was able to fall asleep in a matter of seconds.


	9. Arata

I woke up alone. I had expected to wake up as I had fallen asleep, with Ayato pressed against my chest. I couldn't recall the last time I slept so easy. Though his bed was smaller, it was much more comfortable than my own. I curled up further in the black sheets, tucking myself beneath the covers.

I had had boyfriends before. Not many, mind you. But it was never anything real. And often it felt like we were just killing time. But this...this was uncharted territory. Ayato looking me in the eyes and telling me that _I am his,_ was frightening. Is frightening. Because I believe he wanted to kill time. I believe he wanted possession over me and and my body, and little else. What's worse was that didn't bother me. Well, it did, I knew it wasn't preferable. But it didn't sound so bad. He wanted me. In whatever sick and twisted aspect, he did. That thought and fact alone was enough to cause my heart to ache. With pain and excitement and every emotion across the spectrum.

There was also his substance abuse. Heroin, cocaine, alcohol- anything to numb the pain. And naturally that would alter your thought process, make choices you wouldn't necessarily make on your own. And with his newfound power over me, I questioned my ability to put him through detox. This was bad. This was a bad idea. I knew I never should've taken it past anything platonic. I had attempted to shield myself in a barrier of friendship. But he had broke through the barrier with ease, taking what he wanted. As he usually did.

There was a shuffle down the hall, objects being rustled about in the bathroom. I pulled myself out of the covers to see Ayato exiting the bathroom, stopping for a moment to tuck his hair behind his ears. He was standing in his underwear, scratching at his neck a bit before looking towards me. His languid eyes showed interest for once, widening once he saw that I was awake. With a skip in his step, he walked towards me.

"Hello," he ran his fingers along the edge of the bed.

"Good morning," I rubbed at my eyes before peering up at him. There was a gloss to his eyes, a devious smile on his lips.

"It is, isn't it?" He sighed and lifted the covers off of me, straddling my waist again. My breathing hitched in my throat just from the mere pressure. "Let's make it even better."

Ayato was biting on his lip again, as if that were some foolproof tactic to have me submit to his every whim. Though, if he had chose to- we would've had sex last night. But he didn't. He decided not to. I didn't understand...and wondered if there was even a point in trying.

"We could have done this last night," I mumbled, my eyes trailing his torso.

"In the dark where I can't see you or your face? I don't think so. Is that how you want our first time to be?"

"Of course not, Ayato-kun. I want to see you."

"You are seeing me."

I was. Under the faint sunlight he was still stunning. And...pallid. Dust caught the light surrounding him and danced around in the air, one thousand brilliant sparkles. He smiled at me again and I could feel my breath growing faint. I was always surprised when I saw his body. Underneath all that clothing, you wouldn't think him so muscular. But he actually was, despite the fact that he was underweight as well. I ran my hand over his chest, slipping down to his side. I gave his hip a soft squeeze. He exhaled as his eyes slid shut, enjoying the touch. Faded muscles lay on his stomach, disappearing each day. His arms were impressive, though. Thin but still layered with muscles that could easily do damage. I touched his shoulder, following the curve of his bicep. Every inch of his skin was white and smooth...

Well, not every inch.

It wasn't long before I ran into a scar. Then another on my way down his arm. Another another another. They were either clustered or isolated, no method to his cuts whatsoever.

"Turn you off?" Ayato asked, voice mild with annoyance.

"No," I shook my head and peered up at him. "I don't think that's possible. You're beautiful, Ayato-kun."

"Beautiful?" He repeated, clearly bemused. His brow furrowed for a brief moment as he looked away from me.

"Yeah."

It seemed no one had ever told him that. Only how 'hot' he was.

"Kaneki."

"Yes?"

His eyes were back on mine, resolved. He leaned forward and pressed our lips together a single time. Ayato then traced his lips over my cheek.

"I think you're beautiful, too," he whispered. "I want to devour every piece of you."

"It's mutual..." My hands scaled his back.

"I know you'll take care of me, Ken doll," he grated our waists together, invoking a sharp moan. "You'll be good to me."

"Ayato-kun, your timing is horrible," my hands dropped from his body.

"No," he returned to his upward position. "You're just someone who can't make up his mind. And under the guise of moonlight, things are simple. Under the harsh light of the morning sun, they are less so."

"Well said," I muttered, mentally stunted by his sudden poetic words. "You're right. I can't make up my mind because I'm too weak for you. We both know it, no need to deny it-"

"Oh, I don't," he interrupted with a smirk.

"I know you don't," I refrained from rolling my eyes. "So don't fucking take advantage of me or my kindness. I'm not stupid and I'll know."

"I know you're not..." His gaze dropped. "That's what you take me for? You think I'd take advantage of you in any way?"

I took a sharp inhale. Honesty. Honest communication was the key.

"I do. You said it yourself, Ayato-kun. You're a clever junkie."

"So you don't trust me."

"I don't trust drug addicts, no."

"Yet you still accepted my proposal."

"We've already went over this-"

"Yeah, I like you, Kaneki. I like you a lot. And I appreciate you trying to help. But it's also weird in this annoying, parental way. I don't know if I can handle it. Or your kindness. It's all so foreign. But you were right. I'm possessive. And I want you. No one is going to take you from me."

"I was already yours..." I told him, my voice above a whisper. That was only a fleeting thought, I hadn't meant to tell him that. "We don't have to be boyfriends for that."

"I also figured if you were my boyfriend I could finally get you to fuck me. You're the type who needs to hold hands first," he sighed, giving a lagging roll of his eyes. "But nothing works on you. It's preposterous and exhausting."

"I don't need to hold hands."

Ayato laughed out loud, throwing his head back. "You so do! And I bet you wouldn't even fuck me, mm? You'd _make love_ to me?"

"And you call me preposterous and exhausting," I sighed, growing weary of his taunting. I held onto his back as I switched our positions. He was on his back before he could even protest, a gasp escaping his mouth. I pressed our lips together and slid my hands down to his leg, easing his thigh around my waist. He moaned against my mouth, hands curling around my neck. I could feel him growing hard against me. I pulled away from the kiss and nudged his head to the side. His neck, long and white was teasing me. He looked so edible, and I understood what he meant by devour every piece.

I traced my tongue along the square of his jaw, listening to his panting breaths. He tasted good. The texture of his skin...the scent and the taste...it was all so specific. So very Ayato. I pressed a kiss to his neck and felt his pulse thrumming wildly against my lips. I ran my lips down a bit and sunk my teeth in.

"Kane-!"

I covered his mouth with my hand, ensuring no one outside the room would hear. He was always so loud. He muffled some words against my hand as I pulled away, looking at the bite mark. It was wide and red, I almost drew blood.

"Sorry," I mumbled. "That was a little much."

"More like not enough," he moved my hand away. "Do it again."

"Maybe later," I began to retreat.

"Fuck you! You're really gonna blue ball me?"

I shrugged. "I think I made my point. You don't need to be my boyfriend."

"Idiot, I want to be! Jesus fucking Christ, I have to spell everything out letter by letter for you."

"That does make things easier."

"It's settled, then," Ayato put a hand to my chest and eased my body off of his. Sitting up, he reached for a hoodie on the floor. He tugged it on and pulled the hood over his head. "Let's go clean up."

 

* * *

 

Touka and Hide were already cleaning up the apartment. Without word Ayato walked over to the cooler, retrieving empty bottles and cups. He began to place them in the garbage bag Touka was holding.

"Good morning," Hide was the first one to speak, a smile on his tired face. He was mopping the floor by the television.

Ayato grunted quietly and Touka didn't offer much more of a response.

"Good morning," I replied, walking over. I began to do my part, collecting sticky cups and stacking them within one another.

"In case it wasn't already obvious," Ayato announced, having a small stretch. He smiled at me. "Kaneki is my boyfriend now."

"It was obvious."

Hide chuckled at Touka's retort. "No offense, Ayato-kun, but he's not too hard to snag in the first place."

"Hey-"

"Oh, I'm not saying it was hard, Goldie locks. You should just know."

"Now I do."

"Stupid boys you are," Ayato looked between us, sighing with a shake of his head. "I'd never want to be with me. Or her for that matter."

"I kinda have to agree," Touka passed the bag to her brother and glided over to the kitchen. She glanced at him. "Not really our problem though, is it?"

Ayato snickered. "Not at all, Aneki."

As they cleaned up the kitchen Hide pulled me by my arm.

"Kaneki," he sang in a whisper. He was grinning a blinding smile, his eyebrows at their peak. "I knew it. God...that sexual tension was too much. You could practically taste it."

"Uch," I sneered at Hide's choice of words, but my attitude cleared up quick enough. "He's scary, Hide. I'm going to fuck up somehow. I know it."

"Like you're one to talk," his eyes widened as he looked over to Touka cleaning off the counter tops. Ayato was still throwing out cups. They were almost determined, meticulous in their cleaning. " _Kirishima,_ Kaneki. That was your first mistake."

"I can hear you over there," Touka peered up from the counters, a warning look to her sleepy eyes.

Hide nearly jumped out of his skin at her voice, returning to his mopping. We continued to clean the mess that had been made last night. Touka began taking down her decorations, Ayato emptied the cooler, Hide found every spill or crumb on the floor and rubbed it away. I felt in the way with such little to do. I rearranged the small stack of Playstation games that Saiko must've riffled through. Though I doubt Ayato would appreciate me arranging his games in alphabetical order.

"Kaneki."

"Yes?" I looked up at the sound of his voice.

"Go home," he gestured at the door. "And pick me up later. I want to take you out."

Touka chuckled from the kitchen, shaking her head. And I'm certain Hide was silently applauding me in his head. I took a sharp inhale.

"Oh. Are you, now?"

"Sure," he began to walk over. "You deserve it."

"You...want to show me off."

"Who wouldn't?" He rose a brow at me, now just several inches away.

"Please, do that somewhere else," Touka pleaded, a desperation in her voice.

"Go," he pushed at my chest. "I'll call you later."

 

* * *

 

If someone had told me a month ago that I'd be waiting by the phone for a guy, I wouldn't believe it. If they also told me it was Kirishima Ayato taking me on our first date, I'd call them outright insane. I'm not sure why he was being formal. Usually people date before they...date. Though he was far from the usual. I wondered what he had in store for me, knowing it'd be far from boring. I had no idea I'd make it this far either. It was apparent that he liked my persistence. The narrow, cold person that I had first met was peeling back the layers. I could see it all underneath. His effortless humor, the care for his sister and Hinami, the love for his mother and the guilt from the drugs. The idiocy from the cutting. He was still hiding, though. Behind that mask of confidence. I was unsure what was beneath it, and the very idea of his past frightened me.

But...I also wasn't too concerned. It was the past, and the present is what mattered. Not when he started smoking or how long he was in jail for. Not unless he wanted to share those things with me. If anything, I was concerned about the future and getting him off of the heroin. It was likely he shot up this morning. How would I be able to tell the difference? He promised detox to me but I didn't believe him. I didn't take the word of a heroin addict. I could only take it one day at a time. If I pushed him too hard, he'd run.

Speaking of...my phone went off as I was immersed in my thoughts. I reached for my ringing phone.

"Hello?"

_"Come."_

"Where are we going?"

_"It's nothing too crazy, don't worry. Just come get me."_

The line went dead and I sighed. I suppose I should get dressed, then. A white collared shirt with my jeans and blue hoodie. Thrilling. I already knew he was going to look stupendous and wasn't going to bother competing with him. He was out of my league and I was okay with that. Like I said, if someone told me that I would be dating him today- I'd tell them that I was also a figure skater from Kansas with seven consecutive Olympic gold metals. I didn't believe it myself, really, and often this felt like just a very lengthy dream. But I didn't want to scare him off with my 'parenting' or even my insecurities. He liked me. If I just be myself I'll be fine. It's worked so far.

My hair had curled in awkward places from sleeping on it and was all fucked up in the back. I looked at myself in the mirror with a sigh, slipping into my Nikes. I grabbed my keys and headed out the door.

 

* * *

 

When I arrived outside the apartment, the sun had already began to sink. It left the sky painted with strokes of pink and purple. I had texted Ayato to inform him I was outside, and he came descending the stairs a few minutes later. Just as expected. He was wearing a black leather jacket, it's metal silver. The jewelry posted in his ears and slipped on his fingers was silver to match. Underneath he wore a thin white v-neck, his chest barely concealed. His jeans were patterned with camouflage and destroyed, various contrasting patches and holes. That and his boots, along with a cigarette hanging from his lips. He ran a hand through his free hair before opening up the car door.

"Hello," he smiled at me and pulled the cigarette from his lips, rolling down the window. I didn't want my car smelling of smoke but I didn't protest.

"So, where to?"

"We're not leaving the Ward. I'll direct you there," he sunk into his seat, easing his right leg into a bend. I looked to him in the fading sunlight, smoke rolling from his lips. "That is, if we ever leave here."

"You just look very nice."

"Thank you," he responded with a flat tone. "I was looking for these pants for three hours. And you're probably just wearing your beat-up Nikes. If you're going to scrub let me know next time so we can match."

I laughed, reversing out of the parking spot. "Are you even capable of scrubbing?"

"Yes."

"I wouldn't say I'm scrubbing," I muttered, my foot weighing on the pedal. "I just didn't put in too much effort because I knew you'd look better anyway."

"It's not like it's a competition," he shrugged, taking another pull off his cigarette. The wind from the window blew his hair left, black locks dancing. "But if it was..."

"Your honesty is ever refreshing, Ayato-kun."

"Keep being nice to me and maybe I'll take you shopping," he echoed my words back to me with a smile on his lips.

He had directed me to an ice cream parlor just on the skirts of the 20th Ward. Actually, it was near his old house.

"Come," he hopped out of the car and I followed, locking the vehicle. "I never got to have an extremely cliché first date, so I'm using you for it."

"I suppose that's fair. Glad I could be your first."

He stepped to my side and laced our fingers together before opening the door. His hand was dry, almost rough. The metal on his fingers made his skin seem even cooler. But his hand tightened around mind, and it emanated warmth. We walked into the parlor that was empty except for a pair of three eating at a table. The walls were pink and the floors checkered. Ayato began to walk in the direction of the ice cream.

"Okay, get what you want," he gestured to the sweets behind the glass.

"Aren't you getting something?"

"No. Whatever you're getting we're sharing and eating together and looking very gay while doing it. Ah. Hello," he greeted the man behind the counter. The man tipped his head as if he didn't hear a single word of that.

"Um...vanilla?"

"Hardly a flavor," Ayato muttered.

"Then you pick."

"No, no," he shook his head. "Get what you want."

"A small cup of vanilla, please."

"Any toppings?"

"Um..." I glanced to the toppings. "Rainbow sprinkles, chocolate chips and...caramel."

"And gummy bears," Ayato added from my side. The man topped off our ice cream and rang up the total. I watched Ayato pull out his wallet, releasing my hand. He certainly wasn't broke, he had plenty of bills to choose from. That made me nervous. More drug business, no doubt. Is that who I was now? A drug dealer's boyfriend? A drug _addict's_ boyfriend?

"Kaneki? Hello," he spoke with cadence, grabbing two spoons. "Come."

"What? We're not eating here?"

"No."

Ayato opened the door for me, holding the ice cream in his opposing hand. He checked the street for cars and began crossing over once he saw it was clear. I followed in his wake. There was a small park across the street, complete with a picnic table and playground. There were swings, a merry-go-round, and a jungle gym. He took a seat on the merry-go-round. I sat beside him, my shoes sinking into the rubber ground.

"Here," he offered me a small spoonful. Apparently he had to cover all the clichés. I closed my mouth around the plastic spoon and took the utensil for myself. He chuckled and took his own as ice cream melted sweet on my tongue.

"It's good."

"Good," he took a bite for himself.

"It's nice here, also."

"Isn't it?" He peered up at the sky. Though it was still light in shade, stars began to flicker. "Mom used to bring me here all the time."

"Oh," I exhaled, my grip on the spoon growing limp. "It does look familiar."

"What do you mean?" A chuckle broke through his voice as he glanced up at me. His studded tongue licked at the caramel on the spoon. "Did you used to come here, too?"

"No," I answered with a shake of my head. "I was in your old room. I saw the photo of you three."

"Of course you did," he scooped up some more ice cream. "I wouldn't be surprised to find that picture tucked away in your wallet."

"Seems like your wallet would be a more suitable place," I offered him a spoonful before he could take his own. He sighed and ate the ice cream, not looking too pleased. I pressed our lips together, sweet and sticky from the treat. "Tell me about her."

"When she died all I could think of was every argument we ever had," he mumbled. "In fact, this one very specific time. When I told her I was gay and she told me to wait to tell my father. That it might just be a phase. I remember crying all night wondering why they didn't accept me."

"That's not unusual," I responded, mixing the ice cream. The sprinkles stained the cream and it was melting slowly now. "To have that one repetitive memory."

"I know. Still, I couldn't stop thinking about that time," he looked up to the sky again.

"How old were you?"

"Fourteen."

"Ah..."

"But she was my best friend. I told her almost everything, things I wouldn't tell Hinami. And I would go to her for advice on relationships. She was always proud of me even though I'm not a stunning success. She always praised my artwork and told me I had a place in this world. I believed her."

"She's right."

"Of course you would say that."

He repeated his words from my dream back to me and I shuddered.

"Yeah...it's too cold for ice cream," he took another small bite before passing me the cup. I took the last bite before standing up to dispose of the rest. When I turned around Ayato was already spinning, the colors of the roundabout swirling. I stopped the ride with my foot, hopping on. Now we were across from each other. I crossed my legs and Ayato did the same. "Tell me about your mother now."

"Become the one that gets hurt, instead of hurting others," I splayed my fingers across the colors. "That's what she taught me."

"Oh...like take on everyone else's pain? That kind thing?"

I nodded.

"No offense, but what bullshit," he spat and forced the ride to take off with a push of his hand. The air around him blurred as his hair picked up the wind. "You shouldn't have to take care of anyone but yourself. You should be your top priority."

"Well, I'd expect an answer like that from you."

"I didn't mean to interrupt," the merry-go-round began to creak as it approached its halt. "Continue."

"She was a good person. Determined. Accepting."

"And what was it like living with your aunt?"

"Ever heard of the term 'wolf at the table'?"

Ayato nodded, pressing his lips together. Then he smiled. "I don't like reading, but I like Augusten Burroughs."

"Me too," my eyes flickered downward. "Well, she was a prime example. Just horrible to be around when she wasn't high. My mother always thought I was too young to notice."

"And she supported her drug habit."

"Yeah."

"Do you know what it was?"

"Huh? What?"

"What she was addicted to," he blinked once.

"Oh," I shook my head. "No. I don't know. She drank a lot, and had really nasty teeth."

"Could've been meth. Or maybe it was heroin," Ayato covered his face except for his eyes, dragging his lids downward a bit. "Fuck."

The look of fear in his eyes was stark, dropping his scarred hands. He didn't want to die an addict like my aunt.

"You weren't able to help her."

"I was a kid. At sixteen all I could do was hide bottles under the couch. I looked in her room, but I never found drugs."

"How old were you when she died?"

"Almost nineteen. I'd never seen my mother so upset. It was easy for her to immerse herself in her work then."

"So fucked up," he shook his head, running his hands through his hair. "I'm sorry, Kaneki. I didn't mean to go all heavy on you. This was supposed to be fun."

"I am having fun," I told him with a smile. "I like being with you and you're easy to talk to. Don't apologize."

"We could be making out instead..."

"That is true."

"Or we could have a contest to see which one of us swings higher," he glanced to the swing set at his left, their seats moving gently in the breeze.

"I was always more of a teeter-totter person-"

"Come on," he hissed, hopping up from the merry-go-round and taking a seat on the swing. I sighed and took the seat beside him, gripping the chains. He already began to swing his legs. I tried to keep up in synchronization with him, a few seconds behind. "Swings are the best...don't you like feeling like you're flying?"

"No," I shook my head at him as I continued. He laughed. "It makes me feel nauseous."

"Shut up, now," Ayato sighed and held onto the chains, his head hanging back as he swung. He did look very satisfied, almost peaceful. It was only now I realized how high I was, watching the dark sky move further and closer away. I did the same, hanging my head back. It hurt if my eyes were open, but if they were closed- it did feel similar to soaring. I still felt nauseous, but that was fine. "Okay, jump on three. One-"

"What?!" I called to him. "No! I was just starting to enjoy this."

"Two, three!"

Once we were at our highest points we jumped from our seats. Ayato had been higher than me. I was washed with adrenaline as I watched the ground come for me. I had attempted to land on my feet but I had skidded and my face was having a nice chat with the rubber ground. Ayato didn't tumble once and had planted his feet on the ground like a fucking cat.

"Oh, shit! Kaneki, are you okay?" A laugh was interrupting his words, but I think he was genuinely concerned. He ran over to me and flipped me over. I peered up at him as the nearby streetlight blinded me.

I groaned, rubbing at my raw left cheek. "Fuck."

"I figured you'd be a little more coordinated..." He pressed his lips to my brow. "Sorry."

"I don't accept," I shifted against the cold hard ground. "You have completely forsaken our relationship. Good work, Ayato-kun."

"Shut up," he climbed on top of me. "You can't stay mad at me."

Ayato eased forward, his hand against my chest. Our lips were ghosting one another's, the scent of him too intoxicating and the painful thrumming in my head were too present for me to even move. So, as usual, he took the initiative. He dipped his tongue into my mouth, slowly searching for mine. I met him and he sighed at the connection, his body relaxing a bit. My hands traveled his thighs until they were at his waist, gripping his hips. The kiss became more heated as I pressed his body further against mine. He groaned, and I realized I might've been holding him too tightly. I loosened my fingers.

"Don't stop."

"I thought I hurt you-"

"I like it," he told me, forcing our lips together. That was unsurprising to hear. I pulled away from the kiss and took his lower lip between my teeth, sinking my nails into the skin at his sides. He moaned, shaky and breathless. I didn't want to hurt him or mark him any further...I only wanted to give him what he wanted. Ayato pulled back from our kiss, pressing his lips to my scraped cheek. It stung pleasantly. "I don't usually fuck on the first date, you know."

"Really?" I exhaled. "That's relieving to hear."

"I might have to make an exception for you, Kaneki."

"Ayato-kun-"

"Shut up," he groaned. "Shut up and do it already. Right here or take me home, I don't give a fuck. I'm just not waiting any longer."

The second those words left his mouth my phone began to vibrate in my pocket. I adjusted to retrieve it and I could just hear Ayato rolling his eyes.

"Tell them you're busy."

"Hello?"

 _"Hey, Kaneki. Hope I'm not interrupting anything. Or, actually, yes I do,"_ Touka spoke on the other line. _"Will you come over with him? My father made dinner and he wants you two here. I told him you were on a date but he persisted that I ask."_

"Fuck that," Ayato leaned forward and cursed into the phone. "I would rather eat a pair of scissors than go see him right now."

_"Come on, Ayato. At least try. He already likes Kaneki. It'll only be painful if you make it painful."_

Ayato clicked his tongue. "...what is he making?"

_"Filet and potatoes. Your favorite."_

"Fine," he sighed, collapsing off of me and onto the ground.

_"Holy shit. Alright, come now before it gets cold."_

"We're only five minutes away, anyway."

_"Good. See you."_

"Bye, Touka-chan."

"So close," Ayato hissed from my side, his hands forming fists.

"What the fuck are you so horny for, anyway? Calm down already."

"I guess you aren't as attracted to me as I am to you," he mumbled, lifting the hem of his shirt. He was slowly exposing his white skin, taunting me.

"You know I am."

"Show me, then."

"No. We have to go eat with your father."

"I would honestly rather you kill me here."

"Stop being dramatic," I stood up and offered him my hand. He took it without hesitation, allowing me to pull him to his feet and drag him to the car.

 

* * *

  

"This was a horrible idea," Ayato was already twitching at my side as I reached for the door's handle. "You said you met him before? You said he likes you?"

"Touka said that," I corrected him. "But I think so. He certainly acted like it."

"He hates me," he spoke with a sharp exhale, taking a step back from the door. "And every time I see him everything comes rushing back. Every wrong decision I've ever made...it's the worst trigger..."

"I don't think he could hate you," I told Ayato, turning to him and taking his hand. "You're his son and that's-"

"You don't know what you're talking about," he snapped, his voice cracking as he pulled his hand back. "You don't have a father, so you don't know what it's like."

"You're right," I frowned, shaking my head at his venomous words.

"I'm sorry..." He held his hair for a short moment. "Fuck. I'm sorry, Kaneki. I just have to get out of here-"

Ayato turned to walk down the steps but I caught his hand. He released a sigh under his breath, not protesting but not submitting either. He only stood there like a statue, cold winds approaching and picking up his hair. It couldn't be that bad. Not if Arata willingly invited him.

"You've already agreed to this. You're only working it up in your head, Ayato-kun."

"Trust me when I say you have no idea what you're talking about."

"Fine," I scoffed. "I have no idea what I'm talking about. But you're still coming because I know you're hungry and you won't let me walk in there alone."

"You'd hate me too, if you knew," he muttered before releasing my hand and practically storming through the front door. I had no clue as to what he was referring to, and was once again left in his wake. I quickly followed him inside and shut the door behind me.

The lock clicked and once I turned around Ayato and Arata were already facing each other in the hall. I swallowed against my drying throat, watching as Arata's eyes beamed at the sight of his flesh and blood. That look wasn't hate. It was the exact opposite, and just as I had expected. Love. He loved Ayato and I had no idea why Ayato thought otherwise.

"Dad," he deadpanned, holding his head up higher than usual.

"Ayato," Arata sighed, pulling him into a hug. His son was reluctant to return the embrace but he did, and it was short-lived. "You look good."

"What a fucking lie that is," Ayato snorted, shaking his head. He gestured to me behind him. "Well, we can skip the formalities, right? You two have met before. This is Kaneki, the guy I'm fucking now. And you get to see Hide, too, the guy Touka is fucking now. And we _all_ get to sit together and just soak up all this positive energy and eat your food. Yay."

"That's right," Arata smiled in response. "Everything's on the table."

Ayato scoffed and walked past him, his boots clicking against the tile.

"I'm sorry, Kirishima-san," I approached him and bowed, my cheeks reddened with embarrassment.

"Lift your head," he told me and I did so. Arata's smile never faded. "Nothing to apologize for. I should be the one apologizing, no? But I'm sure you're used to his vulgarity."

"I am."

"Come, then," he placed his hand on my shoulder and guided me to the dining room. I followed the hall to see everyone else already seated. Touka was beside Hide and Ayato was across from his sister, slumped in his chair with his arms crossed. I pulled out the chair and sat down beside him.

"Sit up."

He did so, adjusting in his chair and seating himself like a human being. Arata sat at the head between Hide and myself.

"Please, everyone. Eat."

Each plate had a small filet on them, still steaming a bit. Touka spooned herself and Hide some potatoes as Ayato poured me some water. Touka passed her brother the vegetable and he took the dish, serving himself a healthy amount. They were sliced thin and baked with cheese, orange and gooey. We had just eaten ice cream but my stomach still turned with hunger as Ayato passed me the food.

"So, Ayato, how do you like living with Touka?"

"It's fine," he shrugged, poking a potato. "Better than being here. I was this close to taking one of these forks and stabbing you in the eye while you slept."

Ayato chewed his food and smiled in my direction. I sighed into my glass of water, pretending I wasn't experiencing extreme embarrassment.

"You really wouldn't want to orphan us," Touka spoke, slicing into her steak. "Then who would buy all your designer jeans and Marlboro menthols?"

"Shut up," Ayato mumbled, cutting into his meat as well. I did the same, revealing a perfectly cooked pink interior. He took a bite. "Food's good, though."

"Thank you," his father nodded.

I took a bite of everything together, the flavors harmoniously melting in my mouth. "Yes, it is."

Touka and Hide agreed. Not too bad so far...

"So, Kaneki," as Arata addressed me I lifted my gaze from the plate of food. "I don't know much about you other than your major. How did you meet Ayato?"

"I met him at Touka's."

"She didn't even tell him about my existence," Ayato lowered his darkened lids at his sister. "Go figure, right?"

"That's certainly odd," Arata added.

"There was really no point," Touka gave a roll of her eyes and gestured between us. "Though I should've expected this. You wonder why I keep my good-looking male friends away from you? Really?"

"No, I don't wonder," Ayato answered with a smirk. "It's because I'm the better-looking sibling. I'd still keep Hide at a distance if I were you."

Touka growled and gave him her middle finger. Ayato sneered in response, showing her his tongue and it's shiny stud. I shuddered beside him, finally hiding behind my hand. Arata grimaced, rejecting the display.

"I told you I never want to see that thing again," he scolded before placing a piece of meat into his mouth.

Ayato's smirk only grew, as he turned to his father. He exposed his tongue front and center before running the piercing between the crease of his lips. "Kaneki wouldn't be sitting here if it weren't _that thing._ "

Is it possible to die of embarrassment? My head felt uncomfortably light and I thought I was going to throw up. I nudged him under the table and shook my head at him.

"Are you alright? You look sick."

"You're obviously embarrassing him, you lewd fuck," his sister cursed from across the table, finally dropping her fork. "Just shut up and eat. For once, let's not have everyone's focus be solely on you."

"Right, because it's always about me."

"It is!"

"Touka-"

"You shouldn't have even asked him to come and you know it," she shot her glance to her father. "Stop trying to please a dead woman."

"I can't believe you would fucking refer to Mom that way," Ayato bared his teeth and his fork hit his plate.

"Touka-chan, try to-"

"Stop," she shook Hide's hand off of her shoulder and rose from the table. "I'm fucking done playing his game."

Hide followed after her and Ayato pursed his lips as he mused.

"I don't understand what I did."

"Yes, you do," his father shook his head slowly before standing up from the table, walking off in the direction Touka had went.

Ayato glanced to me for approval, the most innocent of looks shrouding his aspect.

"That was humiliating," I told him. "I understand that you like to make your father cringe, but it shouldn't be at the expense of others."

"Hm," he crossed his arms and sunk into his chair. "Should've figured you'd agree with her."

"I didn't-"

"Just take me home."

 

* * *

 

I walked Ayato back upstairs because I didn't trust what he would do or say to his sister. The entire ride home was him spewing bullshit, complaining that she was simply jealous of him. Jealous of him and the relationship he had with his mother. And while I told him that could be the truth, I didn't care. That's not how you treat your family. He stopped speaking to me then.

"Touka?"

"Maybe Hide took her back to his house," I mumbled, setting my keys in my pocket.

"I certainly hope so."

"Let's just go to sleep-"

"Aneki."

Touka stood in the doorway to Ayato's room with her hands folded behind her back. A thick silence hung in the air. I forced myself to speak.

"T-Touka-chan, about before-"

"Did you know about this?" She asked, having not lifted her head. I was unsure what she was referring to and did not answer in time. She asked again, her eyes meeting mine. "Did you?"

"Know what?" I asked, feeling my heart drop.

"Fucking idiot," she spat at Ayato, an object hitting the floor at his feet. I looked down to see a small black bag, one with a zipper that could carry pencils or makeup or drugs. His eyes were glued to it. That must've been his paraphernalia, his stash. Not so well hidden, it would seem. "I should have known. All these years I've watched you fail at everything you do. And now I know why. You're a fucking junkie."

"...you went through my shit?" Ayato hadn't lifted his eyes from the floor or his container.

"You think just because Mom is dead you can pull this shit?" She walked over to him, radiating pure wrath. I felt myself stagger back just to get out of her target's way. "You're lucky I don't fucking kill you. I swear to God, Ayato, I'm going right back to Dad's."

"No you're not," he spoke, his voice caught in his throat. "Don't. Please."

"The police, then," she walked past him towards the kitchen where her phone was resting on the counter. "I'll just have them haul your pathetic ass to jail."

Ayato grabbed his sister's wrist, stopping her in her tracks. "Do you know what it's like to watch someone die?"

She released a sob, dropping her head. I watched her tears hit the floor.

"And you couldn't do a fucking thing to prevent it?"

"I'm sorry, Ay," she took her hand back, her entire body shaking. "I'm sorry that you were in the car. I am. But I'm not going to let you kill yourself."

"Like you would fucking care," Ayato's brow furrowed and he finally released the lid that was stifling his rage. "Like you and Dad don't fucking wish that truck was coming from the right instead of the left. That I wasn't smashed to pieces in her place."

"Don't say that!" Touka turned on him, the back of her hand striking his face. "Don't you ever _fucking_ say that to me again! You don't always get to play the fucking victim, Ayato."

"You fucking bitch," he shoved her shoulders with little effort behind it, still causing her to stumble backward. "Remember what happened the last time you hit me?"

"Yeah," she answered as he ran his fingers across his reddened cheek. "I remember."

My hand slowly covered my mouth as I watched Ayato's right hand curl into a fist. He struck her, punching Touka right in the mouth.

"Stop!"

Before I knew it they were at each other's throats, Touka pulling on her brother's hair with a grunt. She dragged him down to her level before kneeing him once in the face, throwing him to the ground thereafter. As blood poured from her split lip she took a sharp inhale of air, her lung struggling as she cried. I took a step forward but Ayato was already back on his feet, sweeping his sister's out from under her. As her back hit the ground he pinned his knees to her chest, ramming his fist into her face. Once, twice, three times. I lost count. I couldn't watch it any longer.

I ran over and pulled him by his jacket. I had strength over him, and he tried to worm his way out of my grasp but couldn't. I had him in a chokehold, my arm curled around his neck with my other hand pressed to the back of his head. He whimpered, gasping for air.

"Calm the fuck down before I knock you out."

His breathing slowed as he cried, growing weak beneath me. I pushed him out of my grip and he fell to his knees, his nails digging into the floor. I walked over to his sister and sat beside her, lifting her head onto my lap. Blood was oozing from both her nostrils and her lip was split in two separate places. She coughed once, the blood caking her face. Her hand latched onto my jacket sleeve, lifting herself upward slowly.

With a groan Touka was on her feet again, wiping the red away with the back of her hand. She walked over to her brother who was still on his hands and knees sobbing.

"Sober up," she croaked, her voice a rasp in her throat. "Or go live on the fucking street."

Touka turned and carried herself back to her room, shutting herself inside. With a few coughs, Ayato pushed himself to his feet. His only injury was on his mouth, his bottom lip split open on the left side. He lapped away the blood before catching his breath. "Kaneki," he whined my name, shielding his face behind his hands.

I took his arm and brought him into his room, shutting the door behind us.

"That was disgusting," I spat, feeling my knees wobble beneath me as he pulled off his jacket. He let it fall to the floor. "I can't believe you would hit your sister like that."

"She had it coming..." He muttered, stretching out his neck and stepping out of his boots. "And she knew it."

"I don't know what to do with you," my feet took me backwards, but I hit the door. "I don't think I can do this."

"What does that mean?"

His eyes were on mine now, hardly visible with the faint moonlight provided.

"You know what it means."

"No," he whispered. "You said you'd help me."

"I-I don't..." My head fell into my hands, only able to envision the sight of Ayato beating the shit out of his sister. It made my stomach churn. "I can't."

"You're just going to give up on me like everyone else?" He muttered, his voice closer now. I lifted my head to see Ayato standing before me. The second I let my hands drop back to my sides he collapsed into my chest. I could feel the tears soak through the fabric, his hands shaking with their loose grip on my shirt. "Don't leave. Don't leave me alone."

It was just a whisper, a plea. He had finally outwardly voiced his self-concern. I exhaled, sinking my teeth into my lower lip. I ran my fingers through black hair and kissed it.

"I won't. I'm right here."

"Forgive me, please..."

"I already have."

Ayato lifted his head and pressed his injured lips against mine. He kissed me with such pressure that my mouth felt bruised the minute we connected. His hands were already pushing my jacket off of my shoulders. I allowed him to do so and wrapped my arms around his waist. I held him tightly, the thought of ever letting go disheartening.

"Mm..." He moaned as my hands slid down his body and I placed my lips to his neck once. I eased back and lifted his shirt over his head. It fell off of his arm as he shook out his hair. I took his hair in my hands and traced his tongue with mine as he unbuttoned my shirt with deft fingers.

"Kaneki," he sighed my name into my skin, outlining my arms as he pressed a kiss to my chest.

I placed my hands on his shoulders and walked him over to the bed. He reached for me but I pushed him down and unfastened his jeans. His breathing hastened again as I slid them off along with his underwear.

I took a moment to look at him as he laid with his arm draped over his eyes. He had just displayed his strength, but he had never looked more weak. He was actually visibly trembling beneath my touch. I ran my fingers over his pale thigh, the muscles tensing underneath. I laid my body over his and kissed his neck. I trailed his collarbone with my tongue and he exhaled another wistful breath. I moved downward, leaving the ghosts of kisses on his stomach. Ayato cursed as I licked the length of his cock once, parting and lifting his legs.

"Mmnh...ah, Kaneki," he beckoned for me as I tasted him, my hands tightening around his thigh. I kept slow to ensure his pleasure. His moans were constant, his fingers gripping at the sheets.

"Good?" I asked, dampening my fingers in my mouth.

"Yes," he sighed, sitting upward and reaching into his drawer. He handed me the bottle with a flushed face. I took it from his hand and pushed him back down.

I shedded out of my remaining clothes before coating my fingers with the lubricant. I watched him bite on his lip as I gave him a mere touch. A small swipe. He moaned through his teeth, his back arching as I slipped a single finger inside. I exhaled sharply, his body resilient. It was only a few strokes before I added another. He released a loud moan, his slender legs now resting on my shoulders. As he writhed beneath me I ran my fingers against the perfect spot. He then covered his mouth, stifling small, short moans.

"N-Nn..."

Ayato was struggling to speak, but I knew what he was telling me. What he had been telling me all along. He couldn't wait any longer. I gently pulled my fingers from him and he shivered, watching me with dark eyes as I applied lubricant to my stiffened cock.

He forced me into a kiss once I was close enough, his piercing a cool contrast against our hot tongues. I moaned into his mouth as I pressed inside of him.

"Fuck," his head hit the pillows as I filled him, unable to wait any longer myself. He cursed me for the pain and was searching for air. I pressed kisses to his forehead, the shell of his ear.

"Sorry..."

"Don't be," he shook his head once, giving me a kiss. "Just keep going."

The strength and heat of his walls were borderline unbearable, I kept my moans concealed under a bit lip. He released his, though, gentle and soft-spoken. I exhaled a moan as I began to move within him, kissing his lips to quiet myself. He passed moans back to me as his hands found my neck, my hair.

He weaved his fingers in my strands and tugged, causing minute pain. I knew how he wanted this. I had a pretty good idea. But I couldn't say I was interested in being rough with him. I didn't want to hurt him...

But watching him hit his sister like that, seeing him mercilessly hit Touka over and over again ignited a fire within me. I had never been so angry. I was certain of that.

"K-Ken," he moaned, his lashes fluttering as I filled him.

"You think you can call me that?" I took his face in my hand. His eyes widened and then he chuckled.

"You don't want to play the power game, Ken doll."

"Yes I do."

"Fine," he submitted and released my hair. Our lips crashed together and he groaned again as I pressed further into him.

"Fuck," I held myself up with one hand and forced his head to the side with the other. His legs curled around me as I returned to his neck, licking the skin before biting down. Fingers found my hair again, tugging softly as I pulled and sucked at the skin of his neck. My hands slid down his thighs, scratching soft skin. Ayato cursed, fighting against me. He yanked my hair and coaxed me into another kiss as I sped up. His arms slipped underneath mine, nails already digging into my flesh.

"Harder..."

I felt my skin break as I slid within him, our moans mixing in the air. I fucked into his sweet spot, his moans turning into cries. I covered his mouth with mine, his breath in my lungs. I eased his bangs off his face and curled my fingers around his neck. His cries turned to shallow gasps as I squeezed the oxygen from him.

"S-Stop," his eyes shut as I slowed. I immediately took my hand off his neck. He eyed the spot on the bed next to him. "Go on."

I laid down beside him, gaining oxygen back myself. He straddled me and kissed my lips, sliding back onto my cock with ease. Moans poured from my mouth as he laid his hands on my chest. His movements were limber, and it only felt sweeter by the second. My hands traipsed up his thighs, and he covered them with his. He pinned my hands to my sides, tsking me a few times as he gazed down at me. His motion never once halted, and I could feel my hands struggling under his. It was sensory overload, and I tasted my own blood.

"What do you look so tense for, Ken?" Ayato asked, leaning over and kissing my bitten lips. He had released my hands to touch my face, so I grabbed onto his waist and pressed into him. He moaned and matched my movements, straightening his back again. He started to touch himself, stroking his cock. He still moved with me and I could feel the soreness in my muscles, relief unraveling within my bones.

I was blinded for a brief moment, everything went black and hot. I heard Ayato chuckle as his moans peaked with mine. I came inside of him, my hands gripping his waist. The pleasing numbness set in as I watched his head fall back, his chest deflating as he came over me. As he pulled off I was hit by the sensitive sensation. His head fell forward and he rubbed at one of his eyes. He exhaled before leaning forward and giving me an obligatory kiss, no emotion behind the act.

He walked off to the bathroom and returned with a small, damp washcloth. I took the fabric and cleaned myself off.

"Thank you," I muttered, running my hand through my hair.

"Thank _you,_ " he spoke, sweeping his hair behind his ears. "I'll be right back. I'm going to take a shower."

I watched him walk to the bathroom, shutting the door. The familiar halo of light emanated from the room, barely illuminating area. I held my head, a heavy headache setting in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i get second hand embarrassment writing this ayato i swear


	10. Hide

All I wanted was to help. It seemed Ayato was only continuing to spiral downward. More violence, more drugs, more disdain, more cuts. It was going to begin today.

"...you're a nice face to wake up to."

He glanced up at me with tired eyes before returning to nuzzle against my chest. I kissed his hair and began twirling pieces around my finger. He placed his hand over my heart and I laid mine over his.

"As are you."

"Odd..." He mumbled. "I usually prefer to sleep alone."

"You do?"

Ayato nodded against my chest. "You are warm, though..."

"About last night-"

"That was good," he sighed, pressing his body closer to mine. "Why was it so good?"

"Sex usually is better when it's with someone you care about."

"So I've heard."

"It's the truth, apparently," I muttered, feeling my stomach cramp pleasantly in memory. His skin was so soft and he tasted so good everywhere...every second felt slowed with him.

"Apparently."

"Ayato-kun-"

"I got what I wanted," he told me, his voice soft. "Aren't you wondering why I haven't slithered away yet? Or rather why I haven't told you to fuck off?"

"You want more."

"Well, yes," he mumbled into my skin. "But I also care about you, too. I hadn't expected that..."

"Is it unfortunate?"

"Not at all," I could hear the smile in his voice as he slipped his hand out from under mine. He curled it around my side and squeezed. "Well, maybe in some ways."

"...it's going to start today."

"I know," he responded, his voice hardly audible.

"When was the last time?"

"Last night. After we..."

I had suspected. I gave his back a rub and eased him off of me. Sitting up, the sunlight hit my skin and I hid my face behind my hands. Ayato cleared his throat.

"Do you still want to do this?"

"Yes," I answered without a needless thought. "You'll stay over for the next few days. Touka-chan doesn't need any more stress."

"I'd really rather-"

"Don't care," I lifted the sheets off of me and proceeded to get dressed. Ayato watched me, his lips twisting into a purse. "Pack a bag of things you may need. I'll drop you off."

"Okay."

I was relieved he wasn't arguing for once. I slipped on my shoes and picked my jacket up off the floor, shrugging it back on. Looking over my shoulder, I turned to see if he had moved. He was sitting up now, his arms crossed over bent knees. His head was pressed into his arms, rocking back and forth. From here I could see how tightly he was holding himself.

"Kaneki..."

"I'm here," I walked back over to him and sat down.

"I'm scared."

"I know, Ayato-kun," I placed my hand on his shoulder before kissing the same spot. "I know."

He pulled himself from his own embrace and wrapped his arms around my neck. I sighed into his hair, holding his back. Frail. I could feel his spine and each individual vertebrae as I ran my fingers downward. He wasn't crying. Only breathing so quickly he might cause himself to hyperventilate.

"Shh," I pulled back and took his face in my hands. His lips were quivering and his eyes were shut tight, but he had already begun to breath slower. I ran my thumb over the cut on his lip. "You're capable of this."

"I don't think I am," he shook his head.

"Would you rather check into re-"

"No," he opened his eyes, widened with the fear of prospect. "No. I'm not doing that."

"Then you have to do it with me. I'll be there for you, but you did this to yourself, Ayato-kun. You're the only one who can fix it now."

"That's not true," his forehead touched mine and I felt my eyelids grow heavy. "I wouldn't be here right now if not for you. I hate you for that..."

"You don't hate me."

His lips brushed against mine. The kiss was short but heated, his hands grasping at my shirt. He wanted more, but there was someone else I had to tend to. I pressed my lips to his forehead and retreated.

"You're right," he nodded. "I don't. But by this time tomorrow...I will."

I contemplated the truth of that statement as I exited his bedroom, shutting the door behind me.

It was still relatively early, the sun streaming in from the windows. On the way to Touka's room I blocked the rays with my hand as something caught my eye. The black bag on the floor, untouched. Not to mention the blood smears and droplets. I still shuddered at the recollection of seeing Ayato unhinged like that. If he could hurt his own blood without hesitation, who's to say what he'd do those to who weren't? What he would do to me?

I picked up the bag. I wasn't afraid of him. He was much too easy to handle. Physically speaking. But he was close to detox. All rationale would be out the window. And he had little to start with.

With an exhale I walked into the kitchen, unzipping the pouch. I already knew what the contents would be. But to hold them and feel them and see them was something else. I set down the bag and took a few sheets of paper towel, laying it on the counter. I ejected the materials from the bag.

The baggie was small, smeared with that dark shade of brown. Not much left. One hit, maybe. This had to go first. Unsure what else to do, I dropped the heroin in the sink. I ran some water, allowing the drain to take it. Gone, but he could easily buy more. There was hardly any left anyways. I turned to the rest of the contents. A black lighter, a spoon, a syringe. The spoon was burnt on the bottom, warped and cracked from the heat. The syringe looked untouched. As if it was new. Well, he used clean needles. I suppose that was a relief. I pocketed the lighter and folded up the rest in the paper towel. I crimped the ends and placed the paper towel in a plastic bag. I removed the excess air and walked over to the trash can. Ugh...it was brimming with garbage. I placed the baggie on top and tied off the garbage bag, removing it from its container. I headed downstairs and tossed the garbage bag into the nearby dumpster. Good riddance.

Back inside I washed my hands and replaced the garbage bag before retrieving more paper towel. I dampened the paper and walked over to the blood. It was dried, resistant to lift. With more pressure it started to come off of the hardwood. There was a click of a lock, a door opening. I peered up from the floor.

At first she didn't say anything. She only looked at me. Emotionless. It was upsetting to see such a colorful and spirited person that way. Physically speaking, she looked okay. A little pale. She had the cuts on her mouth, bruised around the nose and upper lip and a few other areas but not much else. You could tell she had gotten into a fight, but not its extremity.

"You look a lot better than I thought," I returned to my scrubbing.

"Thanks. And thank you for cleaning up," Touka walked past me, towards the kitchen.

"It's nothing."

"Where's the bag?" She asked, her voice rising with anxiety. "I shouldn't have left it there. Fuck."

"The bag's on the counter," I informed her. "It's empty."

"Good..." I heard her walk into the kitchen, opening up the fridge. "I didn't want to do that myself. Thank you."

"Sure," I finished wiping up the blood and tossed the now red paper towel in the garbage. "I also figured you didn't want him detoxing here. He's packing a bag right now."

Her brows met, eyes widening with disbelief. "You got him to agree to go to rehab?"

"No. He'll be at my place."

"Wow, Kaneki," her gaze dropped as she shook her head. "I can't let you do that. No. No, that's stupid. He should be here for that. I was supposed to be looking after him anyway. Let me clean up my own mess."

"He's not your mess," I took her shoulders in my hands and squeezed. "And it's not your fault. He's already agreed to come with me, so let's not shake things up on him."

"Okay," she nodded. "That makes sense."

"I'm sorry about last night, Touka-chan."

Touka took a sharp inhale before pulling me into a hug, clutching onto my jacket. I held onto her shoulders, feeling the sorrow sink in.

"I'm sorry...if I had just paid closer attention, if I had just looked a little closer. It's so fucking obvious now..."

"I know," I released her and pulled back. "I felt the same."

"How long have you known, Kaneki?" She asked, her voice cracking as she shielded her mouth.

"Let's not talk about it here. I'm going to drop him off and then we can get coffee or something if you'd like."

"Yeah," she nodded. "I need it. My head feels like hell."

Ayato's door creaked open and he emerged from behind it. He had clothed himself and had a black duffel over his shoulder. He sighed at the sight of us, hiding behind his hood. Ayato walked by us to the fridge, pulling out a water bottle.

"I'm ready whenever you are," he spoke under his breath, twisting the cap.

Touka excused herself to get dressed.

"We're going to get coffee."

"Guessing I'm not invited."

"No."

"Ah," he shrugged and took a swig of his water. "I'm not offended."

Ayato set down the bottle as he picked up the black pouch that still sat on the counter.

"Did you flush my lighter, too?"

I retrieved the lighter from my pocket and offered it to him. He took it and slid it into his pocket.

"H was good to me," he stared at the bag in his hand. "Never once made me feel sick. Always willing to listen when no one else would. And would never talk back. Sometimes all you need is someone to listen."

I glanced downward, noticing his bruised and bloody knuckles.

"When I drop you off wrap up your hands. The first aid is under the kitchen sink. There's also probably some dishes you can wash."

"What am I, your maid now?"

"Do you have the outfit?"

He suppressed a smile and dropped the bag back onto the counter. "It's too early to be joking. Or to be conscious, for that matter."

"Keep yourself busy. That'll help."

"Halloween is coming up. You can buy me a maid costume if you want."

"Here I thought we were going to be salt and pepper shakers."

"Sugar and spice would make more sense for us."

"Ooh, I got it," a smile snuck it's way onto my lips. "Eggs and bacon."

Ayato pressed his lips into a firm line as he peered off in thought. "It _is_ my favorite holiday. We should try to plan something somewhat cool."

"...Mario and Luigi?"

"It's a miracle I even allow us to be seen in public together."

"Alright," Touka emerged from her bedroom. "Let's go."

 

* * *

  

The ride to my house was relatively quiet. Ayato had shut himself out with headphones and Touka stared out her window the entire time. When we stopped outside my apartment I hesitantly removed the key from its ring.

"Alright, come."

Ayato removed his headphones, following me out of the car and inside the apartment. He sighed and set down his bag on the couch.

"Where's your wallet?"

"Huh?"

"Give it to me."

He furrowed his brow at me and reached into his pocket. He threw his wallet at me and it collided with my chest. "Asshole."

"You'll get it back. I just don't trust you to make the right decisions yet," I opened up his wallet and removed the bills, sliding them into my pocket.

"So what? You're just gonna lock me in here?"

"I have cable," I gestured to the television set.

"And fucking books. A fucking shitload of books," he glared up and down the shelves before looking back to me. "I hate this already. Take me home."

"No. Just try to relax, okay? I shouldn't be long," I turned to walk away but he had tugged on my sleeve. "What-"

When I turned back around he gave me a small peck on the cheek. "Don't be too long. I can already see myself pulling my hair out."

I shook my head at him and brushed his bangs off his face, pressing my lips to his forehead. "Bye."

"Bye," he frowned, seating himself on the couch.

I exited my apartment and locked the door behind me, returning to the car. Touka watched me place the key back on the ring.

"Still can't believe you're doing this," she muttered as I began to pull out of the parking spot.

"It's the right thing to do. If you're around when he's withdrawing he just might rip your throat out."

"You're confident," she chuckled.

"In what?"

Touka glanced up at me with a thin smile. "That he wouldn't do that to you."

I had taken Touka to her previous place of employment like she requested. With Ayato's money I purchased the coffee. I mean, it was the least he could do, right? We took seats by the window as Urie served us.

"Good to see you two here again," he set down our cups, taking note of Touka's bruised face.

"If you're gonna stare, you might as well ask," she crossed her arms and sunk into her seat.

"Okay. What happened to your face?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?" Touka smiled at Urie. "It's what's going to happen to your face if you don't extract yourself from my view in less than three seconds."

He narrowed his eyes at her, walking off without word.

I glanced into my steaming cup as Touka sat up and leaned her cheek on her hand. She began to speak without prologue.

"The last time we fought was a little less than two years ago. Around the holidays. He's always such a bitch that time of year," she rolled her eyes before reaching for her coffee. "I don't even remember what it was about. Who knows, one of us always says the wrong the thing- the right collection of words to piss each other off enough for it to turn physical."

"You've fought a lot, then?"

"More than I can count," she nodded, blowing the steam off her coffee. "If it weren't for puberty I'd still be knocking him on his ass."

"Not sure that makes me feel any better..."

"It's fine, Kaneki. It was worse than it looked, anyway. Besides, I'd be his punching bag if that means he stops with the heroin."

"Really?"

"Of course," Touka looked at me like I was idiotic. "He's my brother. I love him more than air. I'm not ready to lose anymore of my family just yet."

"You won't be," I assured her, picking up my cup. I took a small sip, letting the bitterness swim on my tongue.

"It must be because of the accident. But there was really nothing he could've done differently. I guess the trauma was enough..." She stared into her cup, swirling the liquid slow. "I'd feel guilty, too."

"This is still all relatively recent," I reminded her. "Time is what's best."

"Tell him that. I'm not the one shooting up."

"He doesn't talk about her much."

"They were so close," her fingers curled around the cup and she sighed. "Closer than we ever were."

"He's said-"

"Probably thinks I'm jealous. Maybe I am. I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. All I know is that this is exhausting. He is exhausting," she took another sip.

"That I am aware of," I did the same.

"And he's so...well, not what I pictured you would like. What the fuck do I know, honestly? You don't seem to be shallow, Kaneki, but I wonder sometimes."

"I was immediately attracted to him," I explained, setting down my cup. "Not even sexually. Just something about him drew me in. Yes, he's beautiful in a very obvious way- but there's something less obvious and even more captivating underneath. Underneath the damage. I wanted to help him. We both knew that from the beginning of this. I know he's not a bad person and I don't want him feeling like shit all the time, either. And...he makes me laugh. I can't really ask for more than that."

"I swear, every time you talk about him your eyes light up," Touka finally smiled. "His do the same with you. It's kind of gross, actually."

"I'll take care of him, Touka-chan," I nodded, certain of that fact.

"Oh, I know you will," she took another gulp from her cup. "I just wouldn't expect the same in return."

"I'm smarter than that. I don't expect a thing in return."

"What kind of relationship is that," she shrugged, looking out the window.

"Not sure," I muttered, retrieving my cup. "But he makes me happy."

"God help you, Kaneki Ken. You're in far too deep."

Would I feel bad for someone in my position? As an outsider looking in? Perhaps. But that didn't really concern me. Truth is I didn't see much past helping Ayato through his detox. And I had left him alone. Whenever I got back he should be fairly irritable, just teetering on the edge of withdrawal. The pain would start soon. I'd have to be there for that, without a doubt.

"So...I'll ask you again," her eyes flickered upward to mine. "How long have you known about this?"

"Since Tsukiyama-san's party."

"That was months ago!"

I nodded. "I know. I promised not to tell you...for a time. Then he said he would detox himself. This was only two days ago. You have to understand, I wanted to drag him into rehab myself when I found out. By his hair if need be. But nothing would be accomplished that way."

"You're right," she shook her head. "It would have gone very differently if you weren't around, that's for sure. I'm still too angry to be compassionate right now. You...you'll be good to him."

"You have every right to your anger, Touka-chan. This is still very fresh."

"I wonder if Hinami-chan knows..." Touka muttered into her hand. "She's the only friend that's ever been a positive influence on him. Other than you, I suppose, but I wouldn't call you friends...she's going to be heartbroken."

"No need to tell her if she doesn't already know," I picked up my cup and downed the rest, coffee past cool. "Don't need her worrying needlessly."

"You're right again. I guess you've thought of everything," she finished her coffee as well and placed her cup back down. "I know you should be getting back to him, but do you think you could take me to Hide's?"

"Of course, Touka-chan."

"Thanks. I'll be right back," she rose from her seat and headed in the direction of the restrooms. I turned back around and gazed out the window, watching the cars move past. Soon enough Urie was picking up our cups, placing them on a tray. I looked up to him and he smiled in response.

"Thank you."

"No tip?" His smile faded.

"Oh-!" I scrambled for my wallet.

Urie laughed, placing his free hand on my shoulder. "I'm fucking with you."

"I'm out of it today," I frowned, shaking my head.

"Wouldn't have anything to do with why Touka's all beat up, would it?"

I sighed, gesturing to the seat before me. Urie set down the platter and took the chair. "It's Ayato."

"I put that together."

"He'll be going through withdrawal later today," I held my face up with my hand.

"No shit," Urie's eyes widened. "I could see that, to be honest. He was always so groggy. What was it?"

"Heroin."

"Uch," he shuddered with disgust. "Poor Touka-san."

"He'll be at my place, actually."

Urie forced a smile. "Poor Kaneki-san, then."

"I wasn't looking for any of that..."

"I know," his smile became more relaxed and he reached into the pocket of his apron. He pulled out his order book and pen, scribbling something down. With a tear of the paper, he handed me the scrap. "If you need any help. I think you'll find I can be useful."

"Oh," I felt flushed as his eyes met mine. I looked down at the paper. His phone number. I slipped the piece of paper into my pocket regardless of my conflicting thoughts. "Ayato is my boyfriend, you know."

"So you and I are alike then," his smile melted away and his expression turned rather bland.

"How so?"

"We both like a challenge."

My eyes widened and I ripped my gaze off of him. Everyone's timing was so godawful...

I could feel myself blushing furiously and if Ayato could see me now he'd probably hemorrhage. I cleared my throat. "I should probably go check on him..."

"You do that, Kaneki-san," he rose from the table and picked up the tray.

"Goodbye, Urie-kun," I called once he started to walk away.

"I'll see you later."

"What was that?" Touka's voice travelled from behind and startled me, nearly jumping out of my chair. "Hm?"

"W-What was what?"

"Bad idea, Kaneki. Very bad idea," she shook her head before smacking mine.

"Ouch-"

"Idiot. Now your head should match your face. Stop while you can. Urie doesn't respect the boundaries of relationships. The boundaries of anything, really."

"And you were going to set me up with him? Someone who doesn't 'respect boundaries'?"

"Well, I was right, apparently. I guessed your type. Dark-haired and chilled to the bone."

"I don't have a type," I scoffed.

"Mm," she rose her brows at me, not at all convinced. The burning sensation in my face returned.

"...let's go."

 

* * *

 

Hide was on the other side of the Ward, so the ride was long. Touka had already seemingly fallen asleep in the passenger seat and left me alone with my thoughts. He was probably already to the point of pain. I'd have to hurry up soon.

I stopped outside Hide's house and gave her a gentle shake.

"Touka-chan. We're here."

"Mmn," she shifted in her seat and rubbed at her eyes before opening them. "Come."

"I can't. I need to get back to Ayato."

"Don't worry," she yawned, stretching in the confined area. "He should be fine. You're speeding up the process in your head. Besides, Hide wants to see you."

"...does he know?"

"Yeah," Touka looked over at me, her eyes lagging. "Just come in and relax for a little bit. You could use it."

She opened the car door and let herself out. With a sigh I did the same, locking my car behind me. We walked up the short set of stairs and knocked on the door. A few moments later the door opened, Hide standing behind it. But he didn't look like his usual sunny self. No. He looked tired and strained, as if he had gotten no sleep last night. He looked between us and frowned, pulling Touka into a hug.

"I'm fine," she mumbled, holding onto his shoulders.

Hide pulled back and kissed her lips once. "Where's Ayato-kun?"

"He's at Kaneki's."

"Go lay down," he told her, releasing her waist. Touka stepped inside without word. Hide then looked to me. It was so odd to see him without a smile. "Are you okay, Kaneki?"

"Yeah," I nodded with assurance. "I'm fine."

Hide exhaled a laden sigh, pressing his lips into a purse. "Come here."

I walked over to Hide and he curled his arms around my neck, pulling me close to him and squeezing tight. I felt my breathing grow heavy as I held onto his t-shirt. All my emotions had crashed into me at once, the moment he was holding me. I wasn't fine. I was scared. Terrified, even. So I cried. I cried in his arms and stained his shirt with tears. He ran his fingers through my hair a couple of times. This wouldn't be the first time I've unzipped like this because of Hide. It wouldn't be the last, either.

"There's nothing wrong with admitting that you're afraid," he told me in a soft voice. The sound helped my breathing to slow.

"What do I do..."

"What you always do," he loosened his grip and pulled back, smiling as he wiped one of my tears away. "The right thing."

"I don't know what that is anymore," I rasped, my gaze transfixed on him.

"Kaneki," he sighed, wiping off both of my cheeks. "You have such strength. It's even a little bit intimidating at times. I'm sure he thinks so, too. All you have to do is go with your gut. It's always right. You can't mess up anyway, because he sees you for the person you are. Intelligent and charming and funny and wholesome."

"How would you know he sees me that way?"

"Because that's how I see you," a slight smile met his lips. "That's how the world sees you."

"Hide..." I smiled but it quickly dissipated as the fear returned, not allowing me a moment's peace. I held my hair in my hands. "I can't fuck up. If I fuck up he'll go back. If I don't do this right he will go back and his death will be my fault."

"That won't happen," he placed his hands over mine, taking them from my scalp. "Don't you see how he's dependent on you? I already told you: you can't fuck up. He sees you in the light where you can do no wrong. And clearly you think the same of him."

I took a deep breath and straightened out my spine. Hide smiled and squeezed my shoulder. "You shouldn't go back there all shaken up. Come inside for a bit."

"No. No, I shouldn't," I took a step back, wiping off my face. "I won't intrude."

"You're not intruding," he pulled my wrist. "And it looks like you need me more than she does right now."

"...okay."

"Come," he smiled, taking me inside.

Hide's house was small, but efficient. It had two bedrooms and was designed eloquently. His parents had bought it for him freshman year. It was quite cost-effective. It would be nice to have a home instead of paying rent every month. But this felt like home to me, too. I'd spent many nights here. I took off my shoes by the front door. Hide released my wrist and walked over to the couch.

"Put on whatever you want," I sunk into the sofa, shutting my eyes as he picked up the remote.

"If you say so."

It didn't matter what he was going to watch. I had already fallen asleep.

It was only supposed to be a power nap. Thirty minutes at most. But when I had opened my eyes I could see the sun had gone red, beginning to meet the ocean.

"Fuck," I wet my drying lips and quickly rose. I had stood up too fast, though, and my vision began to cloud black. I cursed again.

"Kaneki...?"

I had woken Hide who had fallen asleep beside me. He yawned into his hand, slowly opening his eyes. That's when he saw the sunset.

"Oh!"

"I should go. I told Ayato I wouldn't be late and now I'm late."

"It'll be fine," Hide rose from the sofa. "I promise you that."

"You can't promise tha-"

"Shut up and go to him already," he gave me a quick hug.

"Thank you, Hide."

"Don't mention it."

 

* * *

 

By the time I arrived back home the sun had already set. I'd left him alone nearly all day, and to say I feared what I might come home to was an understatement. I unlocked the door and let myself inside. It was quiet and dark, nothing seemed to be out of place.

"Kaneki?" His voice traveled from my room, and I could hear him shuffle in my bed.

I searched for the lamp beside the couch and clicked it on, providing a dim source of light. Ayato was already standing before me in a t-shirt and underwear, his hair tied back loosely. He crossed his arms at the sight of me.

"So much for not taking long."

"I'm sorry. I fell asleep. You seem alright, though," I took a step towards him. He allowed me to get close but smacked my hand away when I attempted to touch him.

"Hardly. So where were you all fucking day?"

It looked like he hadn't begun the physical process yet, but the mental was taking place. The irritability. I exhaled, knowing the roller coaster had just taken off.

"I went to get coffee with your sister. Like I said. She asked me to drop her off at Hide's and he invited me inside for a bit. I didn't mean to fall asleep."

"Does he know?"

"Yeah."

"Dick," he turned on his heel and took a step forward. "He knew I needed you. Yet he still invited you inside. Ugh, it's like everybody wants me to suffer more than I already am."

"Relax, Ayato-kun," I walked past him to the kitchen, removing my wallet and keys. "Why don't we go lay down? You must be tired."

"What's this?"

"What's-"

When I looked up I could see him holding the paper Urie had given me, yellow against the light. Ayato looked displeased to say the least. "What coffee shop did you go to?"

"Anteiku."

"I knew it," Ayato exclaimed, his face scrunching up with anger. "You went to go mack on that stupid, lowbrow Urie Kuki. I swear to Christ, Kaneki, it's too late for you to fuck up now. Because I'm about to lose my shit. So if you fuck up I'll have to kill you."

"Not to worry," I smiled down at him. "I didn't do anything."

"Only accepted his phone number," he crumpled up the piece of paper in his hand and let it fall to the floor. I had already saved the number, anyway. "How fucking vile that is, writing down his phone number for you. We all have smartphones, no need to waste a piece of paper. He wanted me to find it, obviously!"

"Ayato-"

"You probably thought it was fucking _cultured,_ " he sneered. "Guess what? It isn't. He's trying to create a rift. That's why there needed to be physical evidence."

I laughed as Ayato ground the paper into the floor with the ball of his foot. He shot his gaze up at me, crossing his arms and huffing out air like a small child.

"You look guilty."

"Do I?" My smile remained as I shook my head. "I didn't do anything wrong."

"Doubtful," he kicked at the ground, watching the paper skid. "Did you tell him?"

"About? Your drug problem? He seemed to know anyway."

"But you did tell him."

"He asked me what was wrong."

"Ugh," Ayato leaned forward and dramatically shielded his face with his hands. "You're too fucking trusting, you idiot. I don't even care! That's how beneath me he is. He still is. Right now, at this moment in time."

"Are you finished?"

"What?! I don't know-"

"How do you feel? Physically?"

"Oh...nothing yet really. My head started to hurt a little before but then it went away. I think it was unrelated."

"There's no reason for you to get so mad, you know," I smiled at him. "You're the only person I want anyway."

"I know that," when the words left his mouth it sounded like a threat. At least he hadn't pushed me away. "Like I'm going to show you any affection after you abandoned me all day."

"I wasn't asking for-"

Ayato pulled me into a kiss, one that tasted of cigarettes and frustration. He was already struggling to find his breath, standing on his toes to grasp at my hair. It was all hot air and rushed movements. I separated our lips and he fell back on his heels with a frown.

"Ayato-kun..."

"What? This is probably the only thing keeping me from thinking. Thinking about how any moment now I'll be hunched over the toilet puking my guts out. So you don't get to complain," he brought his body close again, pressing our lips together. He took my hands and forcibly placed them on his backside. I squeezed his skin without hesitation and he sighed through his nose, the tiniest of noises emitting from his occupied mouth. Once I dipped my fingers into the waistband of his underwear he began to take a few steps backward. He hit furniture and broke the kiss, checking over his shoulder. Ayato chuckled and pulled on my hand. "Come."

"...you know, my bed is less than twenty feet away," I spoke as I watched him move one of the chairs. He hopped up onto the bare table, his hands at either sides of his spread thighs.

"I know where your bed is," he yanked one of my belt loops and kissed me again. Ayato swirled his tongue around mine. As he did a sweetness set in my stomach, flushing out all negativities. I sighed and ran my hand over his neck, down to his chest and found his thighs. I lingered there, gripping the skin and spreading his legs further apart. I heard him chuckle, and then there was a searing pain. It felt as if I had been burned on the mouth, my bottom lip throbbing with pain.

"What the fuck-!" I pulled away from the kiss and attempted to back away from his body, but he had already wrapped his legs around my waist.

He laughed again as I tasted metal, gently oozing into my mouth and down my chin.

"You don't like it? Does it hurt?"

"Yes, it hurts!"

"Punishment and reward, Ken," his smile faded a bit. I watched as he leaned forward, running his tongue along the streak of blood. He had picked it up and brought it back to my mouth, immersing me in another kiss. One that tasted of copper. My lip was burning just from the soft pressure. "It's more fun when blood is involved, don't you think?"

"Shut up," I hissed, taking his face in my hands and prying his lips apart. He moaned into my mouth, his legs tightening around my waist. His cock brushed mine and I released a few shivering groans, the pain in my mouth all too present. Without breaking the kiss I peeled his legs off my body and pulled him back on his feet. He staggered a bit, finding balance with a grip on my shoulders. I pushed his underwear down and off of his hips, taking time to feel his smooth skin.

Ayato pulled away from the kiss as he unfastened my jeans, leaning forward just to tease the cut on my lip with his tongue. The pain was still hot, and had spread in a numbing quality throughout my face. Instead of wincing I gritted my teeth as he searched for blood.

"Tastes good," he whispered, running the red on his tongue over his lips. I leaned inward and swiped my tongue over the crease in his mouth. His met mine as he pulled me from my pants.

He lowered himself to his knees, wetting his lips before pressing a single kiss to the tip. His tongue licked away the precum, his piercing taunting every sensitive edge with its cool touch. I was already moaning, watching as he pulled off and brought his fingers to his lips. He placed the first two fingers on his left hand in his mouth, dampening them. He licked between them and around them, his salacious eyes on mine as he did so. His hand traveled downward, beginning to touch himself. His free hand gripped the base of my cock as he swallowed me. Moans met my skin as he buried me in his throat, fingering himself all the while. I gritted my teeth again, taking hold of his hair and pressing further into him. Until the warmth suffocated me. Until the strain choked him. He pulled off with a gag, his head hanging as he caught his breath. I helped him to his feet and bent him over the table. Ayato hit the wood with a sharp gasp, chuckling thereafter. He brought his hand back and pressed his slick fingers back inside, moaning.

"Put it here," he told me as I watched his own fingers stretch his entrance. I ran my hand down his clothed back and he removed his fingers with a laden moan. I bent over and slid my tongue over him. He brought himself onto his forearms for balance, holding himself up. His breath quavered, panting as I saturated him with reddened saliva. I pulled back and filled him in one motion.

Ayato cried out, still holding onto the strength to hold himself upward. The sensation of being inside of him had distracted me from the pain in my face. His heat was scorching, while the cut on my lip had been reduced to a mere hint of warmth. I held onto his waist as I gave him a few rapid pounds that hit his sweet spot. He moaned into the open air, the pleasant sound resonating and echoing in my ears. His arms shook a bit under the weight. I ran my fingers up his back, easing the fabric upward. My fingers traced his spine as I pulled out of him almost completely, teasing him with the threat of being emptied. I filled him in one movement again, my moans melding with his. I repeated this several times, watching my cock slide in and out from his wetness.

"K-Kane-"

I pulled one of his arms out from under him and he hit the table, his other arm falling beneath him.

"Ahh...nm...don't tease me please..."

"I'm not," I sunk myself inside of him, leaning down and pressing a kiss to the back of his neck. "I'm enjoying you."

"I don't want you to enjoy it," he said through his teeth. "I could care less if you do or not. Just fuck me."

"Fine..."

I eased out of Ayato and took hold of his hair and waist. I pulled his body upward and sat him back down, my movements too fast for him to keep up with. He fell back against the table of his own volition as I opened his legs. I took hold of his thighs and pressed inside of him again.

I lifted his shirt as he moaned, leaning forward and sharing a kiss. Looking down at him was a luxury. The ways his lips parted with a moan as I began to move, the way his eyes slipped shut as he began to feel it. With a tug I lifted his waist for leverage, hitting him deep again. He released a loud moan, exposing his studded tongue. I just wanted to tell him how beautiful he was. To tell him what he meant to me, and how whatever this was was more than it seemed. I only wanted to appreciate his body, to take it slow and to treat him with respect. For a short moment I pretended I was.

" _Come on,_ " his hazy eyes fluttered open and stared me down.

I also had no problem with satisfying his wants. I held his legs tighter and began to drive my cock into him. He nearly screamed, his moans heavy with pleasure and high in volume. His skin flushed under the dim light. His nose his cheeks the tips of his ears and fingers. He gripped the edges of the table as he gazed at me with depraved eyes.

"Just like that..."

I dropped his waist and hovered over him, moving all the while. I laid my right hand on the table and placed my left thumb in his mouth, over his piercing. This stifled his moans a bit. He held onto my wrist as I fucked him how he wanted, rough and erratic and without thought. His back arched as I stuck my finger further down his mouth. He moaned into my skin, biting down. Ayato's teeth tore at my flesh and I could feel myself bleeding again.

"Punishment, huh?" I pressed into him the farthest I could go, his moans trembling in his throat. I pulled my bloody finger from his mouth. "You're never punished. Only rewarded."

"Next time you can do whatever you want to me," he exhaled, his eyes pleading as they met mine. I smiled as I witnessed the flush on his face that almost mimicked embarrassment.

"What are you looking so modest for, Ayato-kun?" I repeated my movements, nearly leaving his body before slamming into him again. He cut the air with a sharp moan. "You like it, don't you?"

"Y-Yes," he shut his eyes.

"You like it indecent and unloving."

"I-I...fuck-!" He lost his breath as I performed the same act. "I like whatever you do, Ken...you fuck me so good."

I smiled at him. "You'll say anything to get what you want."

"No, it's the truth- ohh, fuck," his breathing picked up as I began to pound into him, my left hand now stroking his cock.

In a matter of seconds he unraveled beneath me, his moans shattering. His cock pulsated in my grasp, his orgasm almost violent. To watch him bite on his lip and pull at his own hair as he came was enough to set me over the edge. The pleasure was splintering, his body tightening around me. I pulled out of him and tugged on myself a few times. I let the moans roll off my tongue as the warmth bloomed from my hips and spread out to every edge of my body. Cum had spilled from me, staining his cock and stomach. I was left unspeakably weak for a moment, searching for air as I held onto the table for balance. I felt like I couldn't even stand. Ayato moaned one more time before sitting up, kissing my lips.

"You're amazing..." he chuckled under his breath before climbing down from the table with delicacy. I sat down in the nearby chair, oxygen returning. I opened my eyes as I heard the sink run in my bathroom. I pulled up my underwear and picked up Ayato's from the floor, walking into my room. He had already wiped himself down, and was throwing away the tissues. I tapped his shoulder and he turned around with a smile. I curled my fingers around the back of his neck and kissed him.

"And you."

"Shut up," he smiled, skin still flushed as he took his underwear from my hands. He stepped into the fabric, pulling them up and covering himself.

 

* * *

 

"Maybe if it starts in my sleep...I'll be lucky enough to sleep through it."

"There's still time. I can take you to-"

"You don't know anything about those places," he cut me off, shaky fingers bringing the cigarette to his lips. "And the last thing I need is to be turned into some twelve step drone. No...that won't be me."

"It could never be you."

"Addicts need something to latch onto," he spoke, letting his head fall back. His lashes curved and fluttered, smoke cascading from the cigarette. It danced in the air above us, filling all space but silence. Ayato turned and tapped the ash away. "That should be obvious to you by now."

"Why do you say that..."

"Don't play dumb," his eyes scanned mine before his gaze returned to the space between us. "I'll handle it myself."

"You could say it, you know."

"Say what?"

"'We' or 'us'. You did ask me out yourself, after all. Don't pretend like you didn't know exactly what you were getting into."

"I didn't," he snapped, taking another hit. "How was I supposed to know what kind of person you were? You let me blow you that one night. I thought that would be that. But here we are."

"Here we are," I muttered, watching him ash the cigarette again.

"Maybe I did know on some level. And that's why I'm drawn to you. I know you're capable of helping me."

"I worry about that."

"About what?"

"That you'll realize it was never really me that you wanted."

Ayato exhaled smoke, crushing the cigarette in the tray. A silence settled. It hung thick in the air like the smoke Ayato had sent.

"I won't realize that," he turned back to face me.

"Maybe you're just infatuated."

"I know what it's like to be infatuated," his brow furrowed. "I thought I was in love once. He stuck me with a needle and made me feel right within myself for a short period of time. 'To be an artist', he said, 'one has to experience incredible pain.' What a jerkoff."

Ayato's nose began to run thin, clear liquid. He sighed and reached for the tissues beside my bed, holding it over his nostrils.

"I had never really experienced true suffering before I was forced to watch my mother die. So, the heroin helped."

"Helped what?"

"To create art," he pulled the tissue away and smiled at me. "I drew a lot of his designs. He was a tattoo artist. Of course, I wasn't an addict then. He didn't give me any percentage when he used my designs, or even give me any credit. So I fucked off. Nine months later and bam. I'm calling him to see if he'll come shoot me up. It's three in the morning. He does."

"And that was love to you?"

"Of course! Dropping what they're doing and bringing narcotics? Doesn't get more selfless than that," a smile played on his lips as his nose began to run again. He cursed and replaced the tissue. "I wanted to be high, and I would believe anything."

"You started using a bit before the accident...why?"

"I was bored. It seemed the only people my mom ever talked to any more were divorce lawyers. I didn't want to draw. I thought maybe I wanted to die. That's how pointless I felt. The feeling had been sitting within me for years and I didn't even realize it. I have nothing to give back to the world and I don't want to. There is no point. Stuff like that," Ayato pulled away the tissue and crumpled it into a ball, setting it down. He reached for another as his eyes began to water. He wasn't crying, though. Just another symptom. "Heroin made me not care. And I felt...important, for a time. But it didn't last. I've been using for four months now and I'm still the piece of shit I was when I started. In fact, worse."

"I can't speak to the person you were before the drugs," I muttered. "I can only speak to who you are now. You're not a piece of shit. I can tell you feel very deeply yourself and for those around you. I just think you let your emotions get the best of you sometimes. Even I can understand wanting to numb yourself."

"...things don't feel so pointless with you, Kaneki."

I smiled and looked up at him. He set down his tissue again, a visible sheen to his skin.

"Are you feeling hot?"

He nodded in response, wiping the sweat off his upper lip. "Fuck. I need to try to sleep. Just try..."

"Alright, Ayato-kun," I leaned forward and pressed a kiss to his shoulder.

Together we laid down, both on our sides as Ayato pressed himself to my chest. I ran my fingers through his dampening hair, both of us knowing full well he wouldn't make it through the night. I had already done my research, and there wasn't much I could do to help. Only be there for a distraction, offer some guidance. If he was lucky the peak in his withdrawal wouldn't last longer than thirty hours. But even then some symptoms carried themselves after months of sobriety, like insomnia or anxiety or the general deterioration of the user's mental state.

I think he had fallen asleep. His breathing steadied and he kept still enough. I pressed my lips down to his hair before knocking out myself.

 

* * *

_**Hour 1** _

* * *

 

I checked the time. 4:42 AM. At least he was able to get plenty of sleep in. Ayato had begun to toss and turn a bit throughout the night. He began to shake, his body convulsing gently beside me.

"Here," I laid on my back and offered him to come closer.

With a shiver he accepted, scooting closer and laying against my chest. His breathing was weighted. Just moving two inches closer had put a strain on his body. I leaned my head against his and began to stroke his hair. We stayed like this for some time, his shakes coming in waves. It didn't do much good for long, though.

"F-fffuck," he wiggled out of my grasp and sat up from my bed, pulling his shirt off his head. I could see the sweat forming down his back. He gagged once, covering his mouth. Cursing again, he dashed to the bathroom. I slowly rose from the bed, following him. He was knelt in front of the toilet, throwing up into the bowl. I sat behind him and pulled his hair off of his face, adjusting his ponytail so it laid on his neck. I had never heard someone vomit so violently. Well...there was the time Hide got food poisoning. They were on a close par. I blew softly on his neck and back, hoping to cool him down.

With a groan he reached to flush. He did so, collapsing back against the bathtub. He laid comatose for a moment, his eyes shut and his mouth hanging open. I reached for a piece of toilet paper and blotted his wet lips, tossing the tissue into the toilet. He pressed his lips together afterwards, adjusting so he was sitting up straight.

"Kaneki..." He mumbled. "Please kill me."

"You're no use to me dead. Turn around."

Ayato obliged, turning around and leaning onto the porcelain rim of the tub. I took his hair in my hands, pulling the tie from it. From his struggled breaths I could tell Ayato was trying his best to contain the pain he was withstanding.

"Take deep breaths," I told him, combing his hair with my fingers. "If possible, focus only on your breath and nothing else."

"Focus on my breath," he mocked. "It feels like I'm being ripped apart from the inside out. This is exactly what fucking death feels like. So why don't _you_ focus on _your_ fucking breath."

"People endure worse pain than this and get through it. Solely on breathing. Try this," I split his hair into three even sections. "Focus your attention on...your left foot. Imagine its being submerged in water."

"Fuck you and your pain control! That's not going to fucking work here. Fuck, fuck, fuck, I should've gotten methadone..."

"Yeah, so you can become addicted to _that,_ too," I began the braid.

"Shut the fuck up, Kaneki."

"Try what I suggested."

"It hurts too fucking much..."

"Try, Ayato-kun."

With a deep inhale he pulled his legs to his chest. He remained quiet as I folded one piece over the another.

"...where did you learn how to braid?"

"My mother."

"Me too," he muttered. "When her hair was long I used to French braid it everyday."

I smiled at the thought of that. "Like I previously said, good genes. Your hair is like silk."

"I know," he began to shiver again, clutching his legs tightly.

"There," I tied off the braid. "That should do it-"

In a crawl he scurried back over to the toilet, hurling yet again. I sighed, pulling his braid out of the way and blowing cool air on his neck.

 

* * *

_**Hour 10** _

* * *

 

_"How is he doing?"_

"Going on ten hours now...it's just as unpleasant as you'd expect it to be. Thankfully he's been asleep for the past two hours."

_"I wish I could help in some way..."_

"I'm not sure that-"

With a bloodcurdling scream, Ayato called my name from the next room. It was so loud I'm sure the entire complex heard it.

_"Shit..."_

"Hang on, Hide," I brought my phone down from my ear and hurried into my room. Ayato had been sleeping on and off for the past four hours. I checked his vitals whenever he was asleep. His heart rate was like nothing I'd ever felt before. It was so elevated I thought it might just stop working all together. When he was asleep, he slept like the dead. "Are you alright?"

"No. These cramps are fucking killing me," he was curled up in the bed, shivering underneath the covers. "But I-I think I can eat something...that should help distract me from the crippling pain, right?"

"Surely," I answered with certainty even though I was far from it. "What would you-"

"Ramen. Shrimp."

"I don't have any ramen."

He stopped shivering and sat up from the bed. He had taken one of my hoodies and stuffed his braid into a black beanie in attempts to keep warm. His brow twitched. "What?"

"Uhm..." I turned and brought my phone back to my ear. "Hide?"

_"I'm already on my way to the store."_

"Thank you," I exhaled sharply. "Please hurry."

I hung up the phone and spun around, smiling at him. "Hide's going to buy it for you."

"UCH!" With a dramatic sigh he hid back under the blankets. "Now I have to deal with Little Miss Sunshine? If God exists he'll take mercy on my pitiful soul..."

"You should be grateful," I told him. "I wouldn't go out to buy your noodles because I'm too scared to leave you alone."

"Thank him for me, then..." He groaned from beneath the covers, his cramps no doubt returning. He asked politely that I fuck off to the next room.

 

* * *

 

In less than fifteen minutes, Hide was knocking on my door. He must've sped his way here. I think Ayato had fallen back asleep since I didn't hear his cries of pain. Either way, I opened the door for Hide who came in wielding a 24-pack of the ramen. He set the large pink box down on the counter with a sigh.

"Must...rest..." A halt invaded his words, and he staggered his way to the couch. I sat down beside him.

"Thank you, Hide."

"...fine..." He gave an exhausted smile and waved me off. He allowed himself to catch his breath before speaking again. "Are you alright?"

Hide motioned to the cut on my lip Ayato had given me last night.

"Oh," I felt my stomach flip, covering the sex-related injury. "Yes. It's just-"

"He certainly seems like a biter."

For the first time in ten hours, I was able to laugh. I shoved him with my shoulder and dropped my hand.

"I really appreciate this. He hasn't eaten in almost a day now. I'm grateful for anything he puts in his stomach..."

"You should get him, then," Hide nodded, still unmoved from his slouched position. "Tell him it's here."

"I think he's asleep...but I'll check."

I stood up from the couch and walked over to my room. I cracked open the door to see Ayato laying on his back, his hands folded on his chest. He was listening to music, both buds in his ears and his leg shook furiously under the covers. But he immediately noticed my presence, sitting upward and pulling out his headphones.

"Hide is here with your ramen. Want me to make it for you?"

"No thank you...I'd like to make it myself," he pulled off the covers and rose from the bed. "I hope he doesn't expect me to put on pants for his company."

Ayato was still in last night's boxers, wearing black socks that covered his knees.

"You're fine," I stepped out of his way as he walked out of the room. With a sigh he adjusted his hat, dragging himself to the kitchen counter and popping open the ramen box. He removed a single packet.

"...thanks, Hide."

"Of course, Ayato-kun. You look better already, you know."

That was not the truth. He actually looked worse. His skin had become more translucent, all color flushed away. Even from his lips. They were cracked and split, white like the rest of him. The bags under his eyes seemed to grow deeper and darker with each passing hour. Hide had lied straight to his face, because Ayato looked like a fucking corpse.

"You fucking liar," he gave a slow shake of his head before grabbing a bowl from one of the cabinets. "Though I appreciate you bringing me food, don't you have better things to do? Like bang my sister? Yeah, go do that. I don't want to look at you."

"Ayato!"

"I guess my comeback should be: don't _you_ have better things to do, like bang my best friend? But you seem pretty preoccupied with withdrawal at the moment."

I hadn't expected those subtle yet vicious words to leave Hide's mouth. I pressed my lips together and felt the ache of my cut.

"You're picking a pretty horrible time to fuck with me, blondie," Ayato gritted through his teeth, pausing in his ramen-making process to glare at Hide from across the room.

"Stop, Ayato."

"Fuck you too, then," he returned to snapping his noodles.

Hide had already risen from the couch, heading for the front door. He pursed his lips, looking at the floor. "I always liked you, Ayato-kun. But I saw what you did to your sister..."

Ayato stopped again, and I think he was ready to start throwing dishes again the wall.

"Just...go easy on Kaneki. I love him too much," he mumbled, shaking his head and exiting the apartment. Ayato scoffed and I followed him out.

"Hide, wait-"

"I'm sorry," he was already facing the parking lot. "I hadn't said anything to you yesterday because I just wanted you to help him through this. I didn't want you to think about what he did."

"Honestly, I don't want to think about it either."

"But it did happen. Touka-chan said it wasn't the first time, but..."

"It doesn't make it okay. I know."

"Asshole," Hide cursed him, placing the ball of his fist against the wall. With an exhale he hung his head. "...I'll leave you to it, I guess."

"Don't worry about me, Hide," I called to him as he began to walk away. He turned to look back at me and I smiled. "He's a lot more gentle than you think."

He returned a smile. It was weak and thinly-veiled, and its contempt met his eyes. "That cut on your lip tells me otherwise."

I was void of words as I watched Hide was away. Frowning to myself, I walked back inside. Ayato was waiting for his ramen by the table.

"My suspicions have been confirmed," he smirked and rose a brow.

I shook my head at him, not ready to listen to his bullshit. Nevertheless, I did. "What are you saying?"

"He's gay for you, obviously. I bet he always has been."

To Ayato, anyone who had a pulse and a penis was fair game to snatch me away from him.

"And how has this been confirmed?"

"He loves you. Seems more concerned about you than my sister at the moment."

"You sound like an idiot," I narrowed my eyes at him. "Of course he loves me. I love him too. I've known him my entire life. And if he's more concerned with me it's because I'm stuck here with you and she isn't."

"And I recognize jealously pretty easily, being an envious person myself. He's jealous that I get to be fucked by you. I can see it whenever he looks at me. Good. Why do you think I gave you that little mark, anyway?" The microwave beeped and he walked over to retrieve his noodles. I ran my fingers over the cut on my bottom lip. It was fairly deep, and I wondered if it would heal without scar. "Now everyone will know who you belong to."

"You're wrong, Ayato-"

"Yeah, yeah," he waved me off, carrying his bowl to the table. "You haven't noticed for the past fifteen years so why would you notice now?"

I crossed my arms as I watched him dip his chopsticks into the noodles, steam rising from the bowl. I shoved his ridiculous theories out of my head.

"Eat your ramen."

 

* * *

_**Hour 17** _

* * *

 

Ayato wasn't able to fall back asleep. He wasn't able to even stand up on his own. The chills had hit him hard. So we sat on the couch. I brought him several blankets and held him close to me, letting him put his freezing hands wherever he deemed necessary.

"Why don't you have a fucking console...then maybe I'd be able to distract myself."

"I was never very good at video games. I have-"

"If you're about to say you have online chess on your computer I'm going to rip your eyeballs from your face."

"Okay, then..." He groaned and shivered against me, pressing his ice cold hands against my neck now. I shuddered, trying to withstand the cold. It was getting late, and I had a feeling Ayato wouldn't be able to sleep through the night like this. "Why don't you try and pick something to watch? I'll run you a bath."

He nodded, taking the remote as I passed it to him.

I walked off into my bathroom, turning on the faucet. It had to be the right temperature. I waited around for the water to reach the perfect amount of heat before closing off the drain. I laid out a towel for him, resting until the tub was full. Once it was I ran my fingers through my hair, sighing. I turned off the light in the bathroom, the fluorescent too harsh. I lit a couple of candles instead. When everything was completed I went to retrieve him.

"Come," I offered him my hand once I was standing before him. He shut off the television and took my hand. I hoisted him to his feet, holding his cold body close to me as I walked him to the bathroom.

"Help please," he pulled the beanie off of his head when we reached the bathroom. Ayato took off my hoodie and turned to face me. I lifted his shirt over his head and let it fall to the ground. He walked over to the toilet, putting down the seat. I knelt before him and rolled his socks down, pulling both of them off. With a sigh he stood to his feet and removed his underwear. "Now you."

"Oh...it was supposed to be for you."

"I'll be warmer with you in there."

Without further question I began to unfasten my jeans. Ayato lifted my shirt off, gazing down my body once it was removed. I then pulled off my pants and underwear. He gestured for me to get in. I stepped into the tub, it's warm water lulling my nerves. I sat down, submerged in the water. I leaned against the rim and Ayato followed. He laid against my body, sighing from the heat. I wrapped my arms around his slim waist.

"Much better...I mean, I still feel like my head's going to fall off but it's doable for now..."

"Good," I kissed his cheek as he leaned his head against my shoulder.

"I'm sorry for being rude to Hide before. Sorry for the things I said."

"I don't want to talk about it."

"So you've thought about it, then-"

"I said I don't want to talk about it."

"Fine," he shrugged against me, swirling the warm water around with his hands. It didn't take long for his thin fingers to start grazing my thighs, my forearms. He tilted his head upward towards me. "Come here."

I glanced at his lips, noticing they had regained their color. I leaned forward and kissed him. Once our lips connected his fingers found my hair, gently pulling at strands. As his tongue met mine I felt his breathing hitch. A warmth began to pull in my stomach. I severed our lips and began to press my lips to his cool neck. He was still chilled to the touch, but I could tell he was beginning to warm up.

My hands began to travel downward but I felt myself hesitate. I'm not sure if he felt okay enough for anything like this.

"Should I stop?"

"You better not," he whispered, his hand running down my neck.

I kissed him again, grateful he was feeling somewhat better. Even if it was only for a short period of time. He released a soft moan into my mouth, his hand falling back into the water. I wrapped my left arm around his waist's entirety, taking his hardness in my right hand. His back arched a bit, putting more force behind the kiss.

"God..." Ayato cursed against my lips as I began to stroke his cock beneath the water. He even began to whimper a bit, too weak to do anything but moan quietly.

"Shh," I nudged his head aside and kissed his jaw, savoring the flavor of his skin. I worked my hand faster, the water sloshing as I pulled on him. He sucked a breath through his teeth, moaning my name once. I gave him a gentle squeeze, running my thumb along the tip as I brought our lips together again. He exclaimed from the sensitive skin being toyed with. His teeth nipped at my lip in retaliation, but it didn't hurt in the least.

Ayato's head fell back, his body unwinding. Small, shallow gasps fled his mouth as I sped up with my hand. He came into the water, his climaxing moans nothing but heavy breathing. I kissed him again, hugging his waist tight.

"That was fast," I muttered, surprised.

"Let me do you-"

"No."

"You're hard, aren't you?" His eyes opened slowly.

"Doesn't matter...I was only trying to make you feel better."

"Well, I'm not cold anymore," he chuckled under his breath before giving me another kiss.

Ayato climbed out of the tub with care, picking up the towel I had left for him. He wrapped it around his shoulders and then his waist, looking at himself in the mirror. I watched him pull his hair around the to the front. I exited, reaching for a towel myself.

"What do you think of my hair? I want to cut it."

I hugged myself with the towel, looking at the messy braid down his shoulder. "Your hair is perfect."

"It'll still be perfect if I cut it though, wont it?"

"Sure."

"Glad we're on the same page," he reached for the scissors I had resting on my bathroom counter.

"Whoa, slow down," I tried to pick them up before he could but he had already taken the blade to his locks, cutting three-quarters of the plait off. I grimaced as he smiled, dropping his hair in the waste bin. "Christ..."

"You have to help clean it up a bit," Ayato shook out his hair. It was left in a bob, essentially, ending in the middle of his neck.

"Fuck, okay. Just wait a minute. Usually people have underwear on before they make decisions like this..."

He laughed as I went to retrieve clothing for myself. I guess the withdrawal was affecting his decision making. That wasn't too surprising. Though it was odd he wanted to cut his hair, seeing as how that was the 'sober' version of him I saw. The one with short hair. I frowned to myself and pulled on boxers and a t-shirt. I found a pair of Ayato's underwear in his bag. I pulled a short stool from my desk out for him to sit on. I returned with the items and clicked on the light.

"Mm," he stretched before taking the underwear, tugging them on. He then wrapped his towel over his shoulders, taking a seat on the stool. "Take your time. Though I'd like to go to sleep before the paralyzing chills return."

"I've never cut anyone's hair before, you know."

"I trust you," he smiled and me through the mirror, pushing his bangs from his face. I noticed the pink scars on his wrist and reached for the scissors with a nervous sigh.

Ayato shut his eyes as I began to trim his hair, snipping away the parts that were too long. I evened out the shape...I think. I cut a few pieces shorter, leaving it layered. He hummed as I cut away at what remained of his hair, not at all fazed by the removal. I suppose this was something he had been thinking about for a while. I gave his bangs a bit of a trim as well, adjusting his part a bit. It came out nice, actually...better than whatever I had envisioned. He looked more youthful, actually, despite the pallid skin.

"There you go," I removed the towel from his shoulders.

"Ooh..." He smiled at me through the mirror, running his hand through his new hair. "Looks a lot better than I thought it would...I didn't have that much faith in you, to be honest."

"I really do love that honesty of yours."

"Thank you," he turned to face me, pressing a kiss to my cheek. "I needed this..."

"Why is that?"

"Because I feel different. I want it to show."

"I'm glad you like it."

Ayato smiled and walked to my bed, laying down beneath the covers. I cleaned up from the bath, blowing out the candles and tossing the towels in the hamper. I placed the stool back and dust-busted his hair off of the bathroom floor. When I went to go lay down myself, I could see he had long fall asleep, his face buried in a pillow. I smiled and found room for myself beside him.

 

* * *

_**Hour 28** _

* * *

 

Ayato hadn't slept well at all last night. He made frequent trips to the bathroom and to the couch, watching television. I think I heard him eating ice cream, too. I asked him if he needed me but he told me to shut up and go to sleep. So I did, having a full night's rest.

I joined him on the couch this morning. He was on his third water bottle, it looked like, watching some cartoon I didn't recognize. I sat beside him and leaned on his shoulder. He sighed and wrapped his arm around me.

"I'm still cramping pretty bad, but I think the worst of it is over..."

"I hope so," I muttered, feeling drowsy against his chest.

"I just want to say thank you...it means a lot that you stuck through this with me."

I inhaled his skin, my eyes opening. With his right arm across his knee, my gaze traveled the cuts along his arm. I ached to speak out, to say something regarding it. But he just quit heroin cold turkey, and I doubt he was up for a conversation about his self-mutilation next. I could still feel his goosebumps against my skin. No...one thing at a time.

"It's nothing."

"I think it would've been impossible without you," he mumbled.

"Either way, I'm impressed."

"So am I," I felt his fingers brush through my hair.

"You should be proud of yourself."

"I'm more impressed with you."

He lifted my chin and pressed a kiss to my scarred lip.


	11. Ken II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have no excuse for how fucking late this is :)

"It really looks amazing. You look amazing."

"Thank you," Ayato smoothed out his hair and sighed. "Well, Kaneki cut it for me. The credit goes to him."

Hinami gave me a small thumbs up. "I can't believe how great you look," she grinned, touching his hair for a moment.

He did look great. A few days had passed since the end of his detox. He wasn't as lively as you'd expect. Most of the time he was sleeping, actually. His body was still weak and needed time to recover. But it was making its way. There was a bit more color to him, and the shadows under his eyes lightened a touch. It was the hair that forced you to notice the difference in him. That, and he kept wearing my clothes...

"Thanks, Hina," he squeezed her nose between his fingers. "I'm going to go pack up my shit."

Ayato walked past her and headed into my room, shutting the door behind him. Hinami turned to me and smiled.

"So, how was living with our friend?"

"It was nice," I nodded. "Well, the majority of it was unpleasant. But I like having him around."

"I um...I did know about the drugs," she began to fidget with her fingers, looking down as she did so. "He usually listens to me, but not about this. I also didn't know it's extent. I- just thank you, Kaneki. You did what I couldn't."

"I did it for him," a smile met my lips.

"I know."

"It's him you should be applauding, really," I glanced to my door. "He did this on his own without a drop of medication. It was rough, and there's still a few lingering symptoms..."

"Like?"

"Just his mood, really. More irate than usual."

"That is Ayato," she shrugged her shoulders. "I'm glad to have him back."

"What was he like before?"

"Well, he is the same person. It's slight, really. You could tell when he wasn't high. He was just an asshole to everyone around him. And when he was high, he wasn't present. Just a roller coaster. More emotional than usual."

I didn't want to promise her that everything would be fine from now on, or rather that Ayato would be fine from now on- because I didn't know that myself. All I could do was vouch for the present.

"That is Ayato," I echoed her words. "I'm sure things will go back to normal for you two very quickly."

"I hope so," she looked at the ground, shaking her head. "It's nice to see Ayato-kun with a genuine human being. You certainly seem like one."

"Is his track record really that bad?"

"If you include- no. It doesn't matter."

"I know that."

"You're a nice guy, Kaneki-san. That's all I'm trying to say," Hinami smiled.

"I like to think so..." I muttered. "I already know it was some ex that got him addicted to the heroin. I can tell it's something he doesn't like to talk about. I guess I worry he still talks to him."

"I don't think there's anything to worry about there," her face finally relaxed. "Ayato thinks you're great. And you just sat with him through a withdrawal. That's better than great."

"I'm not so sure."

"You should be. U...Uhm, he was just a creep, really. Everyone, including Ayato, knew it. And he's currently smitten by you. I wouldn't worry," she shrugged, a smile tugging on her lips. "If anything he's worried about you straying."

"Which is ridiculous," I held my face in my hand. "He must've never had a real boyfriend before, huh?"

"No, he hasn't."

"Well, me either, really," I glanced to the ground. "I'm no expert in these matters."

"That's probably a good thing. I mean, you're not his usual type."

"And what would that be?"

"At least a few years on him. Controlling. Treat him like a thing instead of a person. That's his type."

"Only one of those applies to me."

"So it would seem. I'm happy for the two of you and forever grateful to you," Hinami tipped her head.

"Okay..." Ayato emerged from my room with his bag on his shoulder. "I think I have everything."

"Shall we?" Hinami dangled her keys.

 

* * *

 

Ayato asked Hinami to head upstairs when we arrived. She did so, leaving us at the bottom of the stairs at the apartment complex. When I looked back to him, he was smiling at me.

"I liked staying with you, you know," he ran his fingers along my arm with his free hand, the other occupied by a cigarette.

"I liked having you."

"And this is going to be painfully awkward," he stepped back and took a drag. "I'm sure Hide's here. They want an apology, don't they?"

"Still think you did nothing wrong?"

"She hit me first. Maybe I didn't have to let it go on for so long, but-"

"You don't hit your family. You don't hit people. Your sister, no less."

"Doubtful it'll happen again," he exhaled smoke. "I don't think I owe anyone anything. Except you."

"You don't owe me anything."

"And that's exactly why I do," his smile returned, taking another puff off his cigarette. He dropped it on the ground, crushing it underfoot before heading up the stairs. I followed.

"Here, I'll take that," I took his bag off of his shoulder when we arrived at the door.

"Thanks," he mumbled, pulling the sleeves on my hoodie down. Ayato took a deep breath before reaching for the doors handle. He pushed it open and we stepped inside.

The three of them were gathered in the kitchen, laughing about something. The laughter faded into silence when Touka looked over her shoulder, finding her brother. He gave a click of his teeth.

"My idiot sister."

"Shut up," her voice wavered as she hurried over to him, pulling Ayato into a tight hug. He reciprocated, clutching onto her back. Touka looked up at me from the embrace and mouthed the words _thank you_. I nodded, smiling and walking over to the couch to set his bag down.

Touka pulled back and kissed his cheek. "You look so different."

"I feel it."

"And I see you cut your girly hair."

"I see you're upset that I'll always be prettier than you."

"Fuck you. I'm so proud of you," she hugged him again, burying her face in his shoulders. She cried a little bit, whimpering away in his arms. He hushed Touka and spoke whispers to her. I smiled at the sight and let them have their moment, walking into the kitchen.

"It really is something," Hide noted. "He looks like a different person."

"...he's not," I glanced in his direction.

"I know," his brow furrowed for a moment at he took another look at my lip. In the few days of its existence, it turned from crimson to dark pink. It was going to turn to a lighter pink, and then white eventually. It would heal but it would never vanish. Oddly enough, I didn't mind. Even if I did, there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it so there'd be no point in getting angry about it.

"Are you two-"

"You don't have to keep looking at it, you know."

"I'm not," he shook his head, leaning forward against the counter.

"Whatever..."

"Yeah."

"Are you two okay?" Hinami spoke up from behind us, her arms crossed. "If not, could you act like it? Please. He doesn't need any further drama."

When she walked over to the siblings Hide chuckled under his breath.

"Hide."

He lifted his head and looked over his shoulder before smiling. "Yes, Kaneki?"

"Let me apologize on his behalf. Please. He shouldn't have said any of those things to you."

"There's a lot of things he shouldn't have done. You can't apologize for all of them, you know?"

"I don't-"

"You really are delightful," his smile grew before he glanced back in Ayato's direction. "You helped him become healthy again. I don't think anyone would've been capable of that."

"It wasn't so bad," I smiled back at him. "And while I'm very happy, it's not even been a week yet. I'm nervous."

"Of a relapse?"

"Well, yes. We haven't even discussed it as a possibility though we both know the chances are high. I don't want to put out any negativity, but I'm only being practical..."

"I think so," Hide shrugged. "Maybe it is a conversation you can have with him. Have a pro-con. Or rather punishment and reward."

My lip ached at the sound of those familiar words. I cast my eyes downward.

"Are you okay, Kaneki? You just turned really red," Hide took a step closer.

"Yes. I'm fine."

He smiled at me. Lying to him was ultimately pointless.

"You're so bad at lying."

"So you've told me."

"I'm sorry too, Kaneki. I shouldn't have engaged with him," he rolled his eyes. "I knew it was downhill from there. But I am your best friend, no? I'll be supportive as I should be."

"You have been!"

"I wasn't the other day."

"You're human, Hide. You're allowed to make mistakes."

"I don't want to make any more mistakes with you," he took a step back and stood against the counter.

"What do you mean...?"

"That's what I mean. I was happy for you at first, then a little worried. Maybe I always will be given his history. But I know he cares about you. You're always smiling when you're with him," he glanced down for a moment and smiled in thought. "I just want him to treat you well, that's all. You deserve it."

"Thank you, Hide," I muttered. "He's never really done anything to hurt me except hurt his sister. And that seems to be behind him. So it's-"

I was interrupted with a tug on my shirt, an arm slinking around my waist.

"Hide."

"Ayato-kun," Hide responded as my arm instinctively curled around his shoulder. He grinned. "You look so good!"

"Yeah, now," he shrugged. "Nice to hear you say it and actually mean it."

"I really do."

"I probably should apologize for the things I said to you the other day. I am sorry. And for what I did to my sister," Ayato seemed sincere enough. But I just heard him say he believed he didn't owe anything to anyone. Did he change his mind when he saw Touka again? He then peered up in my direction.

"It's fine, Ayato-kun," Hide waved him off. "I'd like for us to get along because I really care for your sister."

"I know," his voice deadpanned as if he didn't seem interested in playing anymore. Hide promptly removed himself.

"So much for not apologizing..."

"I figured I'd tell them what they want to hear. Don't know why I hadn't considered that option before..."

With a sigh I released his shoulder and turned to face him, lacing our fingers. "There's really no point if you don't mean it."

"I figured it would please you, too. I am sorry I was rude to Hide. Only because of you," he looked to our hands. "I was spewing all that bullshit because I'm jealous of him..."

"What? Why?"

"I don't know, you two get along so well. I've never had a friend who's been around my entire life. Let alone someone as nice as him. He is really nice...and cute..."

"Ayato," I shook my head and laughed. "He's with your sister. And he would never do anything to jeopardize that."

"I know," he gave a roll of his eyes. "It was the withdrawal. I'm surprised I didn't say anything worse."

"Well, it was pretty bad."

"I know he's your best friend, so I'll be nice to him," Ayato took a sharp inhale. "That's what I should do."

I chuckled. "Maybe if you keep it up it will come naturally to you."

"Sometimes I wish you didn't speak," he displayed a sardonic smile before stretching upward to kiss me. I returned the gesture and swept his hair behind his ear. "I also wish we just stayed at your place...it's so much easier to attack you when we're alone."

"Don't you ever get tired?" I felt my skin grow hot.

"No," he gave a slow shake of his head. "Not of you."

 

* * *

 

The five of us had lunch together. Touka made some decent sandwiches for us, but Ayato really only picked at his. Not everything was immediate. I'm sure his appetite would return soon enough. After his 'meal' he asked me to join him outside on the balcony.

"You're smoking more often," I watched him ignite the end of the cigarette. He puffed away the excess and rolled his eyes at me.

"No shit. You're not about to hound me for it, are you?"

"No," I shook my head. "Just an observation."

He sighed and took a pull off of his cigarette, staring out into the horizon. It was a cloudy day, the skies a deep gray.

"Ayato-kun."

"Yeah?"

"I wanted to talk to you about something."

"Oh," his chest deflated and he took a step back, releasing the railing. He took another drag and looked to me. "I have a feeling I know what this is about."

"Do you?"

"Yeah. Relapse."

"How would you-"

"Because you're always thinking ahead," he smiled and ashed his cigarette off the edge. "And it's highly common, as I know you know. But...I don't want to go back to it. Being so dependent on something, a drug no less, is fucking pathetic. Especially when I put myself there just for feeling sorry for myself. I was only going to try it a few times. Then when Mom was killed...I didn't have the desire to cut myself off. And I had someone who was more than happy to support my habit. I know that's not you. And I know you don't want a heroin addict for a boyfriend. Understandable."

"It was hard to see past sometimes. But I knew that you were hurting, and that your pain was real."

"Let's cut to it," he waved me off and hit his cigarette. "To the part where you say you'll break up with me if I ever touch the stuff again."

"Break up with you? No. I'll just put you in rehab."

"...I'm an adult, you can't-"

"Then I'll have you hospitalized for the cuts on your arms."

"What?!" He nearly crushed the cigarette between the pressure of his fingers as he glared at me, eyes beginning to water.

"And if you're admitted you can't sign out yourself."

"Fuck you. Don't threaten me."

"It's not a threat. It's a pro-con."

With an exhale, his shaky fingers brought the cigarette to his mouth. The drag was long. I watched the cigarette burn away, leaving the cherry bright and sharp. He didn't even flinch as he inhaled the toxic smoke, releasing the thick cloud then looking down the balcony.

"It's not like I'm trying to kill myself. If you bring me to a hospital that's exactly what they'll think. And they'll never trust the word of a drug addict," his voice had grown soft as if he'd given up already.

"Then don't do it again."

"I actually saw a psychologist when I was...sixteen? No. Seventeen. In juvie."

"Why?"

"I was arrested for putting this guy in the hospital. I punched him so hard in the mouth he swallowed four of his teeth. Need I say more?"

I shook my head. He chuckled and took another puff.

"I mean, this was my third time actually serving a sentence so they knew who they were dealing with. I was placed in solitary for no other reason than my prone to anger."

"And? What did the psychologist say?"

"Well, I'm sure he knew that everything I was saying was a complete lie. It's not like I could tell him I felt like a black hole fucking consuming everyone else's happiness around me. How fucking pointless I felt. They'd say I'm depressed and put me on medication."

"That's because you were depressed. Plus, he was a psychologist. Psychiatrist is the one that prescribes medication."

"What the fuck ever," he took another hit of his shortened cigarette. "Are you going to let me talk?"

"Go ahead."

"That everything I was doing in my life was wrong. I should do the exact opposite," he peered down and tapped the ash off.

"...that's an unprofessional thing to say. Not very helpful, either."

"It stuck with me for some reason...I really began to question myself and everything I did, everything I've ever done. That's when it started. Or, that was the first time."

"In jail?"

"I remember telling you I only started recently. I lied because I knew how worried you already were about the drugs. I didn't want to pile it all on," he raked his fingers through his bangs before continuing. "It was mostly on my thighs. Wherever someone couldn't see."

"I never noticed scars there before..."

"They weren't very deep. After mom died it got worse...obviously."

"Ayato-kun," I took a step towards him.

"What," he flicked his cigarette with vehemence.

"I'm so impressed with you," I smiled as I took his face in my hands, running my fingers through his hair. He shut his eyes and leaned into my touch. "I really am. That's why I haven't mentioned the cutting...it should be one step at a time."

"Yes, it should."

"But I can't stand to see you hurt yourself," I clenched my jaw at the thought of the slices stacked along his wrist and arm. It weakened me physically. "With a needle or a blade. You don't deserve it. I know you think you do, but you don't. You don't."

"I'm sorry, Kaneki," he whispered beneath his breath, opening his eyes. "I don't want to hurt you. But this is something I can't stop. I don't want to."

"Why?"

"Because I need to. And I'd kill myself instead if I wasn't such a coward."

"No," I exhaled, pulling him into a tight hug. I was running short on oxygen. "Don't you ever say that again."

Ayato chuckled, returning the embrace. How could he be laughing? Just the very idea of him being gone forever was horrifying. It made my heart ache with fear, every muscle in my body wept. With each passing second my weight became harder and harder to support. I was probably leaning on him more than I should.

"I'm not too interested in death anymore. The heroin helped with that. If I could be high I was fine. But now I have you, and I don't want to disappoint you. I've disappointed everyone close to me...to the point of hatred. I'm not going to lose you. You've been too good to me. I want to return the favor," he squeezed my waist.

A single tear shed. As I held him I felt more creep on, pricking my eyes. But he was soon out of my clutches, he had pulled back to look at me. No, to stare. As tears streamed from my eyes I peered down and away. Away from his face that had begun to fill out, color returning to his cheeks. Away from his midnight eyes that seemed more alert, less and less languid. Away from his lips that spat vicious words. Away from his lips that conveyed concern and appreciation.

"You're pretty when you cry."

I gave him a faint smile. "I appreciate it."

"I'll try...you know. To not."

"I appreciate you saying that, too...but you shouldn't make promises you can't keep."

"What promise? I said I'd try. That's all," he had taken a step back, turning to face the gray sky.

"Thank you," I whispered, but my voice did not reach his ears. 

 

* * *

 

Sometimes I found myself musing where I would be if not for him. In the same place I was, no doubt, studying when I had to and reading in my free time. And I hadn't been bored for these last three years in school. It had become the usual state of affairs for me. I was always eager to learn, and I had no problem surrounding most of my time around knowledge.

But there was also something nice about thinking of nothing, I had realized. He had made that easy. It was easy to just stare at him and set my thoughts adrift. I had never been like that in my life. There was always something to focus on. Something to be done. That wasn't the case in this moment. My mind was satisfied in watching him push his bangs off his face, tucking his hair behind his ears. His slender fingers reached for the coffee at his side, but he had caught me staring before he could touch his drink. He smiled at me.

"Take a picture."

"Are you sure you don't want food instead? We could go to that pizza place."

"Hah. I bet you thought the first time we went there was a date. When we saw the kittens?"

"No," I shook my head. "That was very platonic."

"Right," he grinned, his smile more dazzling than usual. "You telling Nishiki to fuck off was very friendly of you. You always were a good friend. Perhaps we should stick to a bromance."

"No need to make any rash decisions...though I am quite content with being your friend. I always was."

Ayato blinked a few times, looking bemused by my response. "I don't understand you. Doubt I ever will."

"Are you saying you wouldn't want to be my friend?"

"Well, no. Not after being your boyfriend. I'm too used to it now and I don't want to know what it's like not being with you."

"That's...comforting."

"And unmutual, apparently."

"No," I shook my head. "I guess I just never thought of it that way. All I meant was I'll be here for you regardless."

"Sure..."

I released a sigh as I looked upon his despondent face. "I mean it."

He grumbled and took a sip. It was almost dark outside now, and Ayato hadn't eaten anything the entire day. After lunch he fell asleep in front of the Playstation, controller still firm in his hands. I had always let him sleep, knowing he needed his rest.

Once he bought his coffee he asked I bring him somewhere nice. I had chosen the bench under the sakura tree on campus. He held out his hand, waiting for the last few remaining flowers to land in his palm. The petals carried themselves with the wind, just out of his grasp.

"Kaneki-san."

His voice was easily recognizable. I looked up and to my left to see Urie standing before us. He had a bag slung over his shoulder and was holding what looked to be a portfolio.

"And Ayato-kun. Odd running into you two here."

"Well, it is a nice night," I spoke before Ayato could even open his mouth.

"It is," Urie smiled thinly and looked up to the starless sky.

"What are you doing wandering around here?" Ayato asked, his voice leveled and somewhat calm.

"I was at the art studio finishing a painting. I prefer to work at night. It's open pretty late, so."

"Are you an art major?"

"Minor," he corrected Ayato. "Touka told me you're an illustrator. You should take the classes here, they can be enjoyable."

"I'm sure a workaholic like you would think so," he smiled. "I myself am not interested in drawing for money. It's my hobby. I'm not going to stress myself out with homework assignments and professors and gallery openings. I'm too busy trying not to inject myself with drugs."

"To each his own. Not everyone's a hard worker. You look good, by the way."

"So I've been told," he sucked in the cool air through his teeth. "It was so considerate of you to give Kaneki your number while I was detoxing. Really. I appreciate it."

"I thought I might actually be helpful. I know a thing or two about withdrawal."

"Oh yeah? Being an avid watcher of 'Intervention' doesn't count."

"Ayato," I nudged him for his curt responses. Some things never change.

"Go home, Urie. Stay away from the both of us."

"Alright," Urie had a chuckle. "I didn't think you'd let him be so controlling, Kaneki-san."

"Don't talk about me like I'm not here," Ayato hissed as he began to continue down the same direction he came from. "Yeah...piss off."

"Can't you try to be nicer?"

"To him?" He snorted. "No. I never liked him since the day I met him. He's so slimy...like he's hiding something. Nice body, though."

My eyes rolled and he laughed, lightening the atmosphere. "You're not exactly in a position to be judging someone for hiding something."

"Whatever," he shrugged, taking a larger sip of his coffee. "Stop flirting with him, will you? I want him to go away."

"I don't flirt with him."

"Right," Ayato looked to me with a transparent smile. Just as I parted my lips to speak his phone went off in his pocket. He sighed and reached for the device, answering the call. "Hello?"

I couldn't quite hear the voice on the other line.

"Hm? Oh, fuck off, Naki. No. Really...?" He took his eyes off of me and glanced to the ground. "Fine. Bye."

Ayato ended the call and slipped his phone back into his pocket.

"What was that about?"

"I don't know if you've noticed, but Naki isn't the brightest crayon in the box. He likes to have these small celebrations when he passes a test. Really, it's just an excuse to get ripped."

"Uh..."

"Under the influence," he brought his fingers to his mouth as if he was puffing on a cigarette.

"Oh! I see. That doesn't sound like a good idea for someone in recovery."

"Please," Ayato rolled his eyes. "I never planned on giving up alcohol or weed."

"It hasn't even been a week yet. You should take it easy."

"I am taking it easy. Besides, Hinami is going and I'd rather her not go by herself. He's got such a crush on her."

"Fine," I shrugged. "Going to an apartment full of people I don't know...sounds fun."

"I could go by myself."

"No. I'd like to meet your friends."

 

* * *

  

After his cup of coffee Ayato brought me to Naki's apartment. It was a small complex on campus. Walking distance, actually. I didn't want to chaperone him but I didn't want him to regress either. That's why it was best to just keep an eye out for him. And I was actually excited and somewhat nervous to meet the people he called his friends. When we arrived he knocked on the door for us.

"Yo."

Once Ayato and I were cast in the shadow of someone thrice our size, I grimaced. I hadn't considered the possibility that Yamori would be there...or that he even _lived_ there.

"What's up?" Ayato responded casually. "I brought Kaneki. Be nice to him."

Yamori eyed me and the familiar sense of adrenaline rushed through me. I had no interest in fighting him again. He was the one who attacked me for no good reason in the first place.

"Yeah...Naki told me about you two. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. You never surprise me anymore, Ayato-kun."

"Move, you giant freak," Ayato pushed past him with ease and I followed.

The brothers' apartment was relatively small, with its dark-colored walls and lo-fi music playing from the television. Or maybe it just felt small due to the smoke hanging in the air. Ayato certainly wasn't exaggerating. It reeked as well, but this was nothing I wasn't exposed to. And I wasn't against the use of the stuff, I just didn't think Ayato needed to be around people who were high. All the websites said the same thing. But then again, I doubt he ever intended on being the poster child for sobriety.

"Ayato-kun!" A high-pitched voice beckoned him before tackling him with a hug. He groaned at the girl, returning the embrace. "Nice haircut."

"Kaneki, this is Eto."

Eto wore large, circular glasses. Her hair was light and had a tint of green to it. The locks were piled up on her head in a bun. She wore a thin black turtleneck. If I had to assume, she looked like an artist as well.

"It's nice to finally meet you, Kaneki-kun," she grinned as she looked in my direction.

"Nice to meet you, too," I tipped my head.

"You two would certainly enjoy each other. Eto is a writer," he glanced to her. "Kaneki is a reader."

"Ohhh, please. I only have a few published titles..."

"Really?" My brows rose. "That's impressive. Certainly for a student."

"Thank you, Kaneki-kun."

"What have you published?"

"Novels in the horror genre. I've tried to lend a book to Ayato-kun, but he's not all that interested."

"Uch..." Ayato's interest was certainly elsewhere. He was glaring at Naki on the couch with Hinami, who was resting his head on her shoulder. They were giggling away and seemed to be enjoying themselves. I understood his frustration, though. I doubt Naki ever apologized for storming into Touka's party and harassing Ayato. And anyone with eyes could see that Ayato and Hinami looked after each other like they were flesh and blood. Although it would be somewhat endearing to see Ayato in big brother mode, I'd rather avoid the hassle it would cause.

But, of course, he had walked away before I had the chance to stop him.

"Um, do you know if Naki ever apologized to Ayato-kun?" I asked Eto as I watched Ayato speak to the pair.

"Ayato-kun told me about his little tantrum at the apartment. I would've liked to have seen you throw him out," she chuckled and adjusted her glasses. "I'm sure he gave his version of an apology. Doesn't mean he can have his Hina-chan."

Ayato went on to pester Naki, Hinami laughing beside the blond. He didn't seem too fazed.

"He's always had a liking for Hinami?"

"Oh, yes, ever since Ayato-kun introduced her to us," Eto explained. "She is adorable, I don't blame Naki. But he should be smarter. Anyone who wants to even look at Hinami has to go through Ayato and vice versa. Though I'm sure Hinami handles things with a more demure composition."

"I think you're right."

"Glued at the hip, those two," she smiled before looking back at me. "I'll go join them. Seems like someone else wants your attention."

Eto waved to someone behind me before skipping off to join the others on the couch. I looked over my shoulder to see Nishiki standing by the dining table. He had company as well. He was smiling and had made amends with Ayato, so I had no issue with being amiable. I walked over to the two.

"Hey, Kaneki," Nishiki greeted, leaning against the table. "Weird seeing you here."

"I'd think so. Well, Ayato wanted to come so here I am," I forced a smile and shrugged.

"Wait, wait," Nishiki leaned forward a bit, pushing up his glasses to get a better view of Ayato. "Oh shit. He's clean."

"Five days."

"He looks good," the other man spoke, his voice soft but still audible. I glanced to him. He was dressed in black, his hair and eyes the same shade. He had a tattoo across his throat and drawn down his fingers.

"Kaneki, this is Uta," Nishiki gestured between us.

"Nice to meet you."

"And you, Kaneki-kun," Uta smiled. "Though I never expected him to trim his hair."

"There wasn't a whole lot of thought behind it," I chuckled.

"I'm sure."

"So I guess you knew, Nishiki?"

"Yeah. And I've known Ayato a while myself. You notice these things," Nishiki gave a shrug of his shoulders. "I never sold him that shit, though. Too high profile for me."

"When we were deleting his dealer's numbers, I let you be the exception."

"Ayato-chan had told me about the heroin. Disappointing, really," Uta shook his head. "He knows better."

Just then Yamori exited his room, shutting the door behind him. He had to duck through the doorway to even fit. Nishiki laughed while Uta remained silent. Yamori glared as he approached us, but soon chuckled himself.

"Huh. Funny to see you three together."

"Why is that?" I asked when no one else spoke up.

"You have so much in common," his smile dissipated and he walked off.

"Fuck that freak," Nishiki mumbled. "You should kick his ass again, Kaneki."

Yamori was talking about Ayato. I was certain of it. I cleared my throat, feeling it start to go bare.

"Uta-san, have you known Ayato-kun long?"

"Yes. I met him and Touka-chan at Anteiku some time ago. Feels like forever ago now..." Uta smiled thinly before glancing back at Ayato. "I should go say hello."

Uta excused himself, gliding towards the couch. Nishiki sighed and rubbed at his reddened eyes behind the frames. I turned and leaned against the table with him.

"Uch. I'm coming down."

"Um, Nishiki?"

"Yeah," he continued to rub his eyes with vigor.

"What did Yamori mean-"

"Ah, Kaneki," he set his glasses back down and laid his arm on my shoulder, forcing me to lean in. "You're a nice guy. I told you to get out when you still could. Looks like you're too late now."

"Ayato-kun is nice too, you know."

"Yeah, when he wants to be. When its convenient for him," he shrugged. "I know there's a good person in there. You two aren't so different, really."

"Oh?"

"The only reason you helped him in the first place was to make you feel better about yourself. Plus, you've been alone for a while now-"

"Fuck you," I pushed his arm off my shoulder with more gentility than he deserved.

"Now you're starting to sound like him."

"You don't even know what you're talking about," I glanced to Ayato. He was laughing, sandwiched between Hinami and Naki. He passed the joint that was going around to Uta.

"Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe you'll get hurt in the end. Maybe you won't."

"There's nothing wrong with-"

Hurting. Enduring pain for someone you care about.

If it was any fucking hotter in this stuffy apartment I was going to combust. I'd never felt so claustrophobic. Smoke was stinging my eyes and clouding my lungs. I already felt light-headed, in desperate need of air. I left Nishiki and exited the apartment without word.

Once I was outside I drank in the clear air and leaned against the wall. 

_Help him. He looks so miserable. You could at least try._

_Couldn't help your aunt, so you want to help me? What kind of fucking hero complex do you have? Selfish prick._

What was so selfish about wanting to help someone else?


	12. Urie II

A beat, a skip, a second. How many would it take for him to realize I was no longer standing in the apartment? Though he was occupied, I figured he would notice soon enough. I had caught my breath and relaxed a bit, the fresh air immensely helpful.

The door opened and Ayato found me against the wall, looking all too confused.

"Kaneki," he sighed. "What are you doing out here?"

"Must've gotten a contact high," I muttered in a quiet voice, not interested in speaking the truth.

"There's no way," he shook his head, laughing. "It's all in your head. Could you be any more straight edge?"

"I just needed a second."

"You look pale," he frowned before taking a step closer. Ayato held my gaze with his glossy eyes. He stole my breath with the looks he possessed. But it wasn't only that. It was his determination, sense of humor, hidden compassion, vulnerability. All that made him who he was. Not poor past relationships or a bad choice he might've made. Still, it was a feeling I couldn't shake...and I knew all too well how unfair that was to him.

"So these are your people?"

"Yeah," he nodded, glancing at the door. "A bunch of nobodies."

"Is that so."

Ayato's brow pinched and he crossed his arms high over his chest. "What?"

"Nothing...you could have just told me I was walking into a clusterfuck."

"Obviously you don't have the gall to say what you're actually saying to my face, which is wise of you," his arms fell and he took a step back, looking to the left. "So what of it?"

"I just-"

"That wouldn't be anyone else's business but my own, don't you think?" He brought his hand to his chest.

"Some warning would've been nice...some forthrightness."

"I didn't think it mattered. Besides, it was a mistake," he brought his hands together and glanced down.

"What was a mistake?"

As he fidgeted with his hands, I felt a weight sink in my chest. Of course it didn't matter. I didn't care about that. But I did care about honesty and relevance of information. Besides, he attracted bad people, didn't he? I already knew enough about one of them, and I was too afraid to ask about the other. Maybe I didn't want to know. I didn't want to know in the first place. Ayato took a deep breath and lifted his head.

"Can we just forget it for now? I'm not trying to do this shit right here."

"You can do whatever you want," I took a step forward off of the wall. "I'd like to go home, though. Will you be joining me? We could-"

"No," he shook his head before stepping back again. "Nah. I didn't think you to be so interested in petty things, Kaneki."

"I just don't like being mocked," I responded, nearly through my teeth.

"Well get over it. I mean, I clearly was not virginal when we met or any time even close to then. This shouldn't be a surprise, I had a life before I met you. Get all worked up, then. What do I give a shit? It's not my problem," he shrugged, approaching me in an annoyingly casual manner.

"You're right," I shrugged my shoulders as he did. "I suppose it's not."

I walked passed him towards the parking lot. He clicked his teeth, calling out to me thereafter.

"Fuck you too, then."

He was high anyway. I'd let his friends deal with that nonsense. I myself was in desperate need of a good night's sleep.

 

* * *

 

I had more time on my hands than necessary. And while it could be spent reading or studying, I found that start to become a bit dull. Not to mention the strain on my eyes. It'd be better to have an activity. So Touka granted me with her help, earning me a job at Anteiku. Just as a waiter, nothing too grueling. I found it exciting. I looked forward to breaking up the day, chatting with Urie and finally making my own wage.

I hadn't talked to Ayato for the past week, but that was fine. It seemed we both needed a bit of space. And I wasn't worried about him in the least. It was so nice to not worry for once.

"Kaneki-san, could you take that table?"

"Sure."

It felt better just to move around more, to have blood circulating. If I hadn't been here I'd be in my room, curled up in the dark with a book and ice cream wondering why he wouldn't call me back. That's what nighttime was for, I suppose.

I took the orders of the table in the corner and began to prepare their coffee. I steeped the grinds with a delicate hand. Urie had told me I was a 'natural'. I finished off with the creamer and the other additions. Setting the cups on the tray, I carried them over to the table.

"Do you need help with that, Kaneki? Looks heavy," Nishiki sneered from behind the counter. I looked to him as I kept walking.

"No. I don't. But you could-"

There was a collision, a walking force meeting my path. I was doused in screaming hot coffee, slipping forward and falling flat on my face. Well, there goes my job. I just covered a customer in coffee and was too ashamed to even look up from the ground. My head was pounding against the tile as laughter began to fill the establishment. I lifted my head and picked up my body, sitting on the ground. Urie was seated before me, his vest and shirt soaked with coffee as well.

"Fuck, I'm sorry-!"

His jaw was set as he wiped the coffee off his face with more pressure than needed. I'd never seen him so angry...

"Come."

One simple, quiet word that was by no means a request. I rose to my feet in silence and Urie snatched my wrist, dragging me to the back room. He barked orders at Nishiki before we went through the back door. Nishiki hopped up from his seat to clean up my mess.

"That hurts, you know," Urie flung me by my arm and my body went crashing into one of the couches in the back office. A heat rose in my core as I looked at him. "Could you not be so fucking aggressive? It was an accident."

"This hurts too," he yanked off his tie before walking over to one of the closets. "I think I have second degree burn."

"Don't be ridiculous," I chuckled under my breath, feeling the anger settle. Urie's anger did not.

"Watch where you're fucking going," he pulled off his vest and began with the buttons on his shirt. "Don't interact with Nishiki. Don't stop to look outside to birdwatch. Don't do anything. Especially if you're carrying a tray of boiling hot coffee."

"I'm sorry, Urie," I repeated. "It was an accident."

"No shit."

"Doesn't mean you have to be an asshole about it."

He peeled the stained, wet fabric off his back before turning to face me. "What?"

"You're being an asshole," I looked away from his body, crossing my arms.

"Well, some of us can't afford to lose our jobs, Kaneki. I need this job to feed myself, not just as a distraction or a time-killer."

I frowned, lowering my gaze and meeting his again. "I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say."

"You kind of have it all, don't you? I wouldn't expect you to understand."

"Have it all?" I echoed, astonished by his choice of words. "You can't be fucking serious."

"The bachelor's degree, life insurance money, your hot boyfriend. What more could you possibly ask for?"

"You don't know what you're talking about, Urie."

"I know you're a lot fucking dumber than I initially thought."

His words stung me, and I retreated a bit. "And you're a lot meaner than I thought..."

Urie clicked his teeth, shrugging a new shirt on as he reached for the rest of the uniform. He walked past me to the stairs.

"Your size should be in there," he muttered before ascending the staircase.

I cursed, sitting down on the couch. The last thing I wanted to do was go out there and face him again. So I didn't move for a few minutes.

"Kaneki-kun?" Yoshimura descended from the stairs, peeking in.

"Oh, Yoshimura-san, I'm sor-"

He lifted up his hand to stop my apology. "No need, Kaneki-kun. These things happen all the time. But you may take the rest of the day off. Come back tomorrow."

"Thank you," I rose from the couch and bowed, removing myself from the office and then the shop itself.

 

* * *

 

"So the entire tray, huh? How many cups?"

"Five," I mumbled.

Touka threw her head back in laughter, nudging me as encouragement. "What I wouldn't give to see that. He was probably fuming."

"Fuming is an understatement. I'd never seen him like that before. He did a complete one-eighty on me."

"So it was bad?"

"Yeah...and I felt bad but it was an accident. What else could I do?"

Touka shrugged, running her fingers through her hair. "Urie's always been very serious about school and especially work. He needs to be. Poor thing is strung the fuck out. I wouldn't hold it against him."

He said he needed the job at the coffee shop to pay for food. Didn't seem like something he would exaggerate about. I felt shitty from the moment that I ran into him, the debilitating feeling in my stomach still wouldn't settle. I should apologize more appropriately at work tomorrow. If he'd even have it.

"I'll smooth things over," I mumbled, folding my fingers together.

"I'm sure," Touka sighed, leaning further into the couch. "A pity Ayato wasn't there. He probably would've died from the sheer jubilation."

"I don't doubt it. Where has he been? I've tried talking to him over the last couple days, but he won't return my calls."

"Ah. I'm not sure exactly where he is at the moment, he's been with Hinami-chan for the most part. I've been keeping a close eye on him though, don't worry."

"I'm not, surprisingly. Not about the drugs, anyway."

"It's like you two are fawning all over each other one day, and then you can't be far enough away from each other the next," Touka rolled her eyes before leaning on my shoulder. "I prefer when you get along."

"Me too," I frowned, resting my head against hers. "Him I'm not so sure about."

 

* * *

 

It wasn't too busy the next day. Rather slow, actually. Touka dropped by with Arata in the afternoon. I found my thoughts drifting as I washed the windows. I looked down the dimly lit street, far from bustling. There was only a few cars and pedestrians. I observed every single one of them. I had told Ayato about my job here in a text, but he never answered. The only text I had received in this drought was a 'You up?' at five in the morning a few nights ago. I wasn't, of course. And when I called him the following morning he didn't pick up. I was unsure what the current issue between us was. Was one just waiting for the other to apologize first? That seemed like a game he'd find worthy of playing.

Needless to say, Ayato wasn't one of the pedestrians on the street. The sun set further, easing into dusk. The sky was a muted purple, blended with dark gray and just a streak of yellow. Stars speckled the canvas. I watched the sky until it grew darker, black creeping in and smoking out the colors.

"See you tomorrow," Urie called to Yoshimura as he walked out the front door, placing his headphones on. There was still time even if the day was over. I said my goodbyes to my employer before exiting myself. He hadn't gotten too far down the street, still on the corner.

"Urie," I called, jogging over and placing my hand on his shoulder. He slowly turned to see who the hand belonged to. With a sigh he looked back ahead and removed his headphones.

"What is it?"

Although I hadn't spoken to Urie yet, he had been nice enough. We worked beside one another. Not much beyond that. I could still sense his resentment towards me. I was inclined to fix it.

"I wasn't thinking yesterday..." I told him. "I'm sorry I didn't consider your perspective. I'll be more careful in the future, too."

"It's fine," he shirked me off.

"I mean it," I insisted, walking around to face him. "Look, I'm sorry for what I said. For what it's worth I think it's really amazing you manage to take care of yourself. I can't imagine how tired you must be with everything you juggle."

"I'm exhausted," I believe he smiled at me but I wasn't sure.

"If there are some days when it's hard, you could call me. I wouldn't mind cooking for you."

Now he smiled, releasing a small expulsion of laughter. "There's no satisfying you, huh?"

"What...?"

"Well, now that Ayato-kun is clean you must be bored. I mean, I'm sure the boy has a mountain of problems for you to work on. Still, I'm flattered."

I took a step back, stunned by his words. I shook my head, wrapping my brain around the message he was trying to convey.

"You need something to take care of. Something to make you feel relevant."

"You really are an asshole," I shook my head, meeting his eyes.

"So you don't disagree?" Urie frowned. "It's fine. I think it's cute, actually."

There wasn't much time for a response. He had stepped over the boundary, taking my face in his hands and pressing his mouth against mine. His skin was cold. My lips twitched, hesitantly returning the pressure. His thumb rolled over my cheek before kissing me again with a lighter touch. It left me with a headache.

"Everything about you is endearing," he smiled and lowered his hands. "Well, mostly everything."

...

He was ice. Sharp in the sense that he could cut into you and make you scramble your words before you even finished your sentence. Cold in the sense that he left you retracted and reduced, with a smaller understanding of yourself. Begging for heat, to be remedied from the frost. But it was refreshing and crisp, something you couldn't imagine existing without. Hard in the sense that his armor was invisible and unbreakable. Transparent in the sense that you could see through that armor. Vulnerable in the sense that he was only water in another form. Throw in a bit of heat or chip away small pieces until he melts. Strong and weak simultaneously. He was finite.

"Yes, Kaneki, you are incredibly endearing."

His voice hit my ear like a jolt of electricity. After nearly jumping out of my skin I spotted him leaning on the corner.

"And what a waste!" Ayato whined, stomping the ground with his boot once. "You were doing so well."

"Are-"

"Don't talk to me, you fucking knob," Ayato spat, diffusing Urie's attempt at a rebuttal. "You're lucky I'm not pulling apart your jaw as we speak."

"Get fucked, Kirishima. Like I'm afraid of some junkie skank like you."

"...I've imagined this many times, Kuki."

He glided in Urie's direction, throwing a punch with his left hand. An exhilarated laugh escaped him as Urie caught his fist, shaking his head with disappointment as he hurled his free right hand. I was close enough to feel the connection of skin and bone and metal, jewelry tearing up the outer layer. I moved as blood poured from Urie's nostrils, running to grab his shoulder.

"Ayato-kun, stop-!"

"Fuck you, you piece of _shit_ ," he cracked, words eroding in his mouth as he turned on me. Ayato grabbed both of my shoulders before driving his knee to my stomach. I felt the kick of his boot in the same area and I met the wall. The blow was cold and unsuspecting and forceful. I had no air left once I crashed into the building and fell against the ground. "Don't speak my name ever again."

I watched Urie wipe his nose before going to grab Ayato. He had sensed the movement and turned to face his opponent. I heaved as I placed my hand to my chest. I took deep, ragged breaths, hoping the natural flow of oxygen would return soon. As my head went even number I noticed a decent amount of onlookers. They already began to gather several meters away and across the street. Urie had managed to return fire, a hit landing. Ayato spat blood before pushing his bangs off of his face. There was a click. His hand was steady as it brandished the switchblade, wielding it sideways. A scream erupted from one of the bystanders, most of them beginning to scatter. Urie didn't lower his hands. He didn't flinch.

"I never liked you."

With weak limbs I tried to push myself to my feet, screaming silences along the way.

"What, are you gonna fucking stab me? Come on, then."

"...I would kill for him."

"You just kicked him so hard that he can't even breathe."

"And I know the last thing he wants is for me to go to prison for skinning your sorry ass," Ayato threw the knife at Urie's feet by its blade. It stabbed the ground and landed somewhat upright. Urie quickly shuffled before he lost a toe. "So get the motherfuck out of here before I get arrested! Go! _GO_ , you stupid fuck!"

Urie's expression of anger went from a hard boil to a simmer, physically retreating. He shook his head at me before taking off down the street. Ayato sighed, scooping his knife off the ground and twirling it between his fingers thereafter. 

"Are you h-"

"You _wish_ I was high right now. What's the excuse for your behavior?"

"I'm not talking to you when you're waving that thing around," I mumbled, looking to the ground and finally standing up.

"Like I'd ever use it on you," he retracted the blade and placed it back in his pocket.

"Like you'd ever use it on anybody! What is your problem?!"

"Well, after the incident in the 11th Ward I figured I should have some way of defending myself without bloodying my knuckles. Like that's even relevant right now," he shook his head, shielding his eyes for a moment. "You were being a douchebag last week but I wasn't expecting this..."

"He kissed me."

"I know. I have eyes. I also saw you kiss him back. Twice," he dropped his hands as well as his gaze, staring at the sidewalk. "I'm so angry I don't even know what to do. I can't even tell what I'm feeling."

"I'm sor-"

"I don't want to hear it," he flicked his wrist at me. Every muscle in his body was tense, and I could see he was resisting the oncoming tears. "And here I was coming to surprise you and apologize. I even thought about baking you something like I'm some stupid fucking housewife."

Ayato finally sobbed, concealing his face with his thin hands again to hide his tears.

"It's...just never enough with you. No matter what it's never enough."

"What are you saying," as I breathed in the chilled air I felt my lungs wince, weak as they expanded. "You are enough. And even more. You're all I-"

"All I ever wanted," he mocked, lifting his face to expose fresh tear tracks. "Please. Now that I'm clean and you got a couple of hits there's really nothing left, is there? I didn't think you'd get bored of this before me."

"So...you've thought that far ahead," I looked away from his face, feeling my heart sink and struggle.

"Yeah," he sniffed, wiping his nose before looking down at his hands. "I'm always looking for a way out. But...not with you. I mean, I'm crying! Not beating the shit out of you. That must mean something, right?"

"I think it means your moods are more stable...which is really good."

"I'm not talking about sobriety, you fucking idiot," he hissed. "I'm talking about you. Us. Whatever. I don't...I don't want to hurt you."

I watched Ayato as he ran his hands over his hair, clearing the tears off his face with his sleeve. He had melted. He exhaled before shoving his hands into his pockets.

"Why...Why did you kiss him?"

"It happened pretty quickly..." I laid my hand over my aching stomach. "I didn't want to push him away for some reason. I think I must pity him."

"Like you pitied me."

"No, Ayato," I took a step towards him. "I never pitied you. I only wanted to make you better."

"And why is that your job, Kaneki? Why is everyone's misfortune your mission to complete?"

"I don't...I don't know."

We stood in silence for a moment, not daring to look at one another. I kept hearing the same thing over and over again. It must have been true. And if I truly looked at my mother's words, were they right? Something to live by? Because I didn't want to hurt for everyone anymore. As we stood frozen in place, sirens in the distance grew closer. I was surprised Ayato didn't notice their wailing sooner.

"Fuck, come on."

 

* * *

 

I had taken him back to my apartment and excused myself to change out of my uniform. In the bathroom I stripped out of my clothes to find what I had been expecting. I was a bit bruised where he had kicked me, splotches of my skin purple and yellow. My back was marked as well where I hit the wall, somewhat deep scrapes across my spine and lower back. I even bled through my shirt. This...would be a discussion we'd need to have.

Once I changed I headed back into the living room to find it empty.

"Ayato?" I called, only the sound of rain hitting the window responding. But the front door was unlocked. I walked outside, a gust of cold wind greeting me. He was standing underneath the stormy weather, his arms crossed and his head back. I called his name again but he didn't respond. Maybe he didn't hear, I wasn't sure. So I walked out into the rain myself, turning him around. He exclaimed, startled as he pushed my hand away.

"What are you doing?"

"The rain's the rain," he gave me a nonchalant shrug as his hair clung to his face.

"Now we're both going to catch a cold," the cold water hit my skin and soaked my hair and clothes. It was really coming down, and I didn't understand how someone could enjoy this.

"You can go. I don't really feel like looking at you anyway," he spoke over the rain, turning away from me. "Can't you see I'm busy?"

"Well, I need to speak with you."

"Fine," Ayato pushed his hair off of his face before walking back under cover with me. I shuddered from being doused in rainwater, squeezing it out of my clothes. He sat down against the wall, wringing out his hair before reaching into his pocket. I took a seat in front of him as he pulled out his pack of cigarettes.

"I think I'll have one of those."

His brows raised as he placed the cigarette between his lips, shrugging as he lit the end. He passed me that one before retrieving another one for himself. I took a drag off of the cigarette, already regretting my decision to partake. It tasted horrible and shocked my lungs, sending me into a coughing fit. Ayato laughed, the sweet sound cutting the noise of the pounding rain.

"Shut up," I hit it again, more gently this time around. It still caused my lungs to ache more than they already did but I didn't care.

"What'd you wanna say, then?" He exhaled smoke, wiping water off of his face with his free hand.

"I know you probably don't know any other way to deal with your anger than to act," I stared at the ground. "I don't blame you for that. I'm sure no one taught you any better. And I fucked up before. I don't blame you for that either. But you'll never hit me again. I won't tolerate that. Ever."

His head hit the wall and he looked away from me, bringing the poison to his lips again. He stared at the rain. I could tell he had been crying out there, his eyes red and a bit swollen.

"Sorry about that," he muttered. "You're right. I certainly don't know how to deal. It only happened because you were trying to stop me from pummeling his stupid fucking face-"

"I'm aware that you have a prone to violence," I spoke over his voice. "But I don't care. I could never hit you or hurt you physically in any way...even when you were wailing on your sister. I couldn't. I cannot."

"I know," he sucked his teeth, his head falling into his hands. "I was already so fucking angry for multiple reasons. If you could-"

"Forgive you a second time?" I had another drag before I flicked the cigarette out into the rain. "You can't make the same mistake twice. After the second time, it's a choice. I just won't make the same mistake of trusting you again."


	13. Uta

I used to care about Halloween. It was a fun holiday, relatively. And I had been looking forward to spending it with Ayato. But...I had been in a bad mood since I spilled that coffee on Urie, and everything that transpired after that did not help. I didn't want it to be too obvious, how all the anger I had was just simmering beneath the surface. It was obvious to him. Ayato used to thrive off of my negative emotions. Not this time around. I had met a sordid and excitable boy, and was left with a somber and discouraged man. He had become so quiet, nothing was more unnerving than that. When I did see him, it was uneventful. We would watch TV or have a silent meal together and then I would kiss his hair and we would part ways. It all felt obligatory and I think he knew that. He was so perceptive, after all. Still...we betrayed each other. I intended on seeing ourselves through it, but we would both have to put more effort in.

Needless to say, I didn't want to go to the party tonight. The only reason I was going was for the free alcohol. Tsukiyama always hosted a Halloween party each year from his apartment. Nearly everyone would be invited. It was the last thing I wanted to fucking do. But I didn't want to disappoint Shuu, either. Every year he picked a costume for me and I know he'd be devastated if I didn't show up. So I did.

"Kaneki-kun," Tsukiyama greeted me at the door. "You look killer, of course. I do good work."

"If you could point me in the direction of the punch, I would be grateful."

"Come," he gave a graceful gesture with his hand as I closed the door behind myself.

The place was already packed. He had removed most of the furniture, leaving a wide space for the dance floor. But people were gathered all around, in the dining room and balcony as well. He had chosen colored bulbs again, ones of yellow and orange and red. Aside from a few fake jack'o-lanterns and blood smear stickers on the wall, nothing about this party screamed terror. Well, Shuu was never one for tacky decorations anyway.

Though I recognized a few faces, I walked along with him in silence to the table that had the punch and candy. He poured me a cup before placing it in my hands. I mumbled thanks, though I'm sure he didn't hear over the music.

Shuu had chosen to be Captain Kirk this year, sporting the yellow Commander shirt. He had actually made me watch a few episodes with him. He tried to make me be Spock with him but I respectfully declined. No, he had given me something he thought could compete with Ayato's costume. Neither of us knew what he was going to be, but I wanted to impress him. My costume was essentially a bodysuit, so I was already growing uncomfortable. I groaned and took a gulp from my cup.

I peered up to speak with Tsukiyama but he had already run off, preventing someone from puking on the carpet in the dining room. Hosting a party looked to be hell.

"Ooh, Kaneki. You look good," Touka found me by the table, greeting me with a hug. Her costume was simple enough, just a dress with rabbit ears perched on her head. I should've went the simple route.

"Thank you, Touka-chan. Where's Hide?"

"Sick. Must've caught something," she shrugged. "I wanted to stay with him tonight but he insisted I go. Glad he's not here, though. He wouldn't be happy to see you moping around by yourself. Go find Ayato. He's here somewhere."

"Well, we haven't been connecting too well after the incident," I swirled the drink around in my cup before taking another large sip.

"What? What incident?" Her brows pinched, leaning inward a bit to hear more.

"Oh," I exhaled. "I assumed he told you-"

"Whatever it is...it doesn't matter," she shrugged, her expression sobering. "Getting piss drunk isn't going to help and you know that. Don't think I didn't see you come in here and make a beeline for the punch bowl without even saying proper hellos."

"Well, I am an adult," I smiled at her. "I can do what I want."

"You sound like your boyfriend," she clicked her teeth before walking off. I had been pretty determined tonight, but Touka was right. A substance wouldn't solve anything. It would only numb. I set down my cup, leaving it half-full.

So I waded through the crowd to reach the dining room, curious what food was there to offer. I knew it would mostly be candy, but Tsukiyama always provided hors d'oeuvres. Eh...only bruschetta. I opted for some chocolate instead.

"Ayato-kun, don't-"

"But how in-character would it be if I started picking up bowls and smashing them against the wall?"

"How in-character would I be if I slapped the shit out of you?"

"Er, not at all, actually..."

I peered up to see Ayato and Hinami on the other side of the dining table. Ayato didn't notice my presence, he was poking around the candy. However, Hinami smiled when she saw me and waved me over.

Their costumes were as well put-together as I expected. Hinami wore a long blonde and braided wig with a jeweled headpiece, a white accented dress and long gloves. Ayato didn't have a wig on, but he was sporting the green tunic and hat along with gauntlets. Zelda and Link. I wish I had thought of that first.

As I walked over Ayato laughed, hiding behind his hand. "Ohh, that's perfect."

"You two look really good."

"Thank you, Kaneki-san," Hinami grinned. "And you are-"

"Danny Phantom," Ayato finished. "It only makes sense, with the hair and all."

"Truth is," I leaned in beside his ear. "I'm extremely uncomfortable and I'm itching to take this thing off."

"They'll be plenty of time for that," he patted my shoulder. "Gee...I wonder who helped you with your costume. You're basically naked."

"I wanted to impress you," I shrugged.

"Hm," he pressed his lips together before touching the skintight fabric over my chest. "Consider me impressed, then. Though I didn't expect something so slutty from you. I thought you were going to show up in a bed sheet or something."

"I'm offended," I frowned. "In a few ways."

"And why is that?" He rose a brow.

When he looked me in the eyes, I found some familiar sensations returning. All I did was stare. His eyes were much brighter, not sunken in in the slightest. They were lined with sharp eyeliner that only made him look more intimidating.

"Looks like you're falling back to your old ways, Ken doll," he popped a piece of candy corn in his mouth. "Staring blatantly like an idiot. Ahh. I used to love that."

When he faced me I leaned forward and stole the candy from between his teeth. His lips pursed into a dissatisfied smirk.

"I'm offended because you found a princess," I chewed and swallowed the sweet as he picked up another one.

"What princess?" He shrugged, looking over his shoulder. No doubt Hinami had long run off before the PDA. "I don't see a princess."

"Glad I'm still your Zelda."

"Ah," his face softened and he laughed. "Good one."

"So, are you staying sober tonight? I don't see a drink in your hand."

"Yeah. Don't really feel like it tonight," he looked down. "I haven't felt like doing much of anything lately."

"Ayato-"

"It's fine, you know? I, um..." He shook his head once before brushing his bangs off his face. Couldn't he once just tell me what he was thinking...? "I'm gonna have a cigarette."

He walked off before I could say anything else. In my disappointment I sighed, reaching for another piece of candy. My hand bumped against another's and I looked up to check who.

"Ah, Kaneki-kun."

It was Uta, who had Urie standing beside him. Odd to see them with one another. Seeing Urie made me want to hide, but I faced both of them.

"Happy Halloween," I forced a smile.

I don't think Uta was in costume. He was wearing his usual black attire, though he had a mask in his hand. A mask isn't a costume. Urie was dressed as a police officer.

"Nice costume, Kaneki," Urie gave me a thin smile in response. "Fits you like a glove."

"Indeed it does," Uta agreed.

"Urie...we should talk, shouldn't we?"

"Why?"

"You know why," I shook my head. "Don't play dumb, please. I'm not in the mood."

"Maybe I'm not in the mood to converse with you."

"I think I'll...excuse myself," Uta spoke softly, walking off and away.

"I only wanted to apologize," I took a step closer.

"You don't owe me an apology, Kaneki. Your psychotic boyfriend, however, does. Not that I expect that from him. He's so far up his own ass to recognize anyone else around him."

"It's not true, Urie," I shook my head. "He's not just some giant asshole. You really think I would want someone like that?"

"Who knows?" He shrugged with disinterest. "Maybe it's a self-loathing thing."

"He's actually really sweet. He's an artist like you. He loves animals and Hinami and his sister. I know he can act before thinking, but...we all do that sometimes, don't we?"

"Except for when I act before I think, I end up with a kiss from you," he stepped forward a bit before crossing his arms. "When he acts before he thinks you're against the wall coughing your brains out."

"When no one's taught you anything else, sometimes it's your first instinct."

"I don't care if his mother is dead or if he's been in and out of jail. He never should've done that. To me, sure. But not to you."

"Urie-"

"You're an idiot, Kaneki," his tone was kind but his words were anything but. "You let him push you around like you deserve it. You don't. You're so much better."

"...noted."

Urie scoffed before walking off himself. There was no pleasing him, it would seem. And surprisingly I could live with that. It wasn't my job to make everyone happy, as Ayato constantly reminded me. No...as of right now I was only concerned with our happiness.

I drifted out of the dining room in search of Touka. To my dismay Urie had seemed to find her first. They were chatting and laughing away so I kept my distance, heading towards the stairs. I ended up bumping into Hinami, who was looking more despondent than usual.

"Ah...how are you doing, Hinami-chan?"

"Well enough," she shrugged before taking a sip from her cup. "I have a problem."

"What would that problem be?"

"Naki," Hinami frowned before running her gloved finger around the lip of her cup. "He's nice, you know? Funny, too. I just...don't like him like that."

"Have you told him?"

"That's the thing," she sighed. "I'm just not interested in dating. I don't have feelings like that for anyone."

"Oh," I felt my brows raise. "I think I understand."

"Do you?" She peered up at me with sad brown eyes.

"Yeah. And there's nothing wrong with that. If Naki is nice like you say he is, I'm sure he'll be accepting of you."

"He is! At Touka's party was another thing. Him and Ayato have always butted heads."

"I see that," I chuckled.

"And about our mutual friend," she took a step closer. "He may seem courageous and all, but really he cares about you and that's terrifying."

"It doesn't have to be."

"I know, Kaneki," Hinami nodded and smiled. "So tell him how you feel. Tell him that. Everything'll fall into place for you two."

"Speaking of..."

Naki came running down the stairs, stopping to rest his arm on Hinami's shoulder. He appeared to be dressed as a pirate, complete with a bandana, eyepatch and alcohol on his breath.

"Hinami-chan," Naki's smile slowly faded as he set his eye on me. "And Kaneki-kun. How are you this fine evening?"

"Well enough," I shrugged.

"We were just talking about Ayato-kun," Hinami looked up at Naki.

In response he groaned, throwing his head back. "Don't turn into Kirishima-san tonight. You said you'd hang out with me."

"He's my Link! We look better together," she pouted.

"He's not your Link at the moment," Naki grumbled, peering down at his fingernails.

"What does that mean?" I asked.

"Kaneki-kun, what a funny costume," he snorted, leaning forward and skimming his fingers over the fabric on my shoulder. "Sleek."

"Answer me," I pushed away his hand.

"You're such an idiot," Hinami shook her head.

"He's talking to Uta-san. Saw them upstairs. They just used to be quite inseparable is all."

"Was he okay? He wasn't when I left him..."

"Fuck if I know. Ayato-kun is always bitching or crying or smoking about something," Naki rolled his eyes.

"So he is-"

"Just stay away, Kaneki," his voice turned grave, staring me down like I had already done something wrong. "I mean, you cheated, didn't you? Leave him alone."

"I'd hardly call it cheating. We're still together-"

"Whatever," he flung his hand at me as if he was shooing me away. Then the anger began to surface.

"I'm guessing he didn't tell you he kicked the shit out of me?"

"Fair's fair. I would've done the same," Naki removed his arm off of Hinami and crossed them over his chest. "You made him feel like a real asshole for that. You should hear the emo shit he says most of the time. Your little heart would break."

I took a moment to laugh at Naki, running my hands through my hair before pointing at him. "You're a prick."

"I'm being honest with you, babe. More than your pretty boyfriend has ever done."

"Don't say another word about him," I spoke through my teeth.

"Just shut up, Naki. Go fill me up," Hinami pushed her cup towards him, though from here I could see it was still full. Naki took the cup anyway.

"You kiss some other guy and you expect everything to be hunky fucking dory?" Naki's voice began to rise. "I know you're not that fucking dumb. Ayato-kun says you're an intellectual. Guess he's just as dumb as you."

"Where do you get off, exactly?"

"He may be a pain in the ass, but he's my best friend. I love him but he makes...questionable choices in men."

"Naki, you don't even know what you're talking about," Hinami spoke up, looking at him. "Kaneki-san is committed to Ayato-kun. He helped him through his withdrawal. He's the only reason Ayato-kun is clean in the first place."

"Yeah. He also told me your aunt was a drug addict," he glanced at me. "I think it's pretty obvious what motivated him there. Some self-satisfaction and some pussy."

"Fuck this."

"Kaneki-san, wait-"

"It's fine, Hinami," I waved her off as I ascended the stairs. "I'll let you break the bad news to him."

Naki was just an immature fuckhead that I didn't need to waste any more oxygen on. How in the midst of all these shady characters Hinami was there? She was the only one that wasn't obnoxious and actually seemed concerned for Ayato. Never the matter. I wanted to get out of here and I was bringing him with me.

On the second floor I began my search. He wasn't in the bathroom or any of the bedrooms. Most of the rooms were occupied. There was a balcony, though. I walked through the empty living area and peered out the sliding glass doors. Naki had been speaking the truth. Ayato was with Uta and it didn't look like a pleasant conversation. The door was cracked open, so I leaned in to listen.

"...anyone else again. So just fuck off," Ayato spat.

"We were so much better together, don't you think? Now every time I see you, you look so miserable."

"Don't speak to me like you actually care about how I've been doing. You just want me to draw for you and fuck you and I'm not doing that again."

"Kaneki-kun makes you happy?"

With my back against the wall I couldn't see his response, but he had hesitated to answer.

"He helped me get my shit together," Ayato mumbled. I could barely hear him. "He's funny and kind and smart and fucks like a jackhammer. Does that answer your question?"

"You miss the H. And he's not enough of a replacement for that."

"...no one would be."

"I love you, Ayato-chan. I always have."

"I don't love you," his voice cracked. "You really fucked me over. You did nothing but use me the entire time and get me hooked on drugs like I was some fucking lowlife. I'm better than that."

"Did he tell you that?"

"I'm not strong enough to say no. I wasn't given a choice. So get the fuck away from me."

"Ayato-chan," he sighed. "We did some amazing things together. It's a shame."

"Lucky for you, Kaneki hates me now," Ayato explained, his voice leveling out. "I'll call you if I'm ever feeling desperate."

"It's impossible to hate you," he replied.

With that I opened up the glass door. Ayato laid his eyes on me, beginning to wipe away the tears.

"Kaneki."

"I'm tired," I told him. "I want to go home."

"Me too," he immediately started walking towards me, paying no attention to Uta. Once he took my hand, then the other decided to speak up.

"Aya-"

"Stay the fuck away from him," I hissed at the older man. "If you come near my boyfriend again I will tear you to pieces."

I walked off with Ayato, his hand tight around mine.

"What are you getting all macho for?" Ayato asked as I pulled him along.

"Don't play dumb, please. He was the one who gave you the heroin in the first place. So if he approaches you again I will fuck him up."

"Right," Ayato chuckled, no doubt trying to laugh off the negative emotions. I stopped him on the stairs.

"You think I'm bluffing?"

Ayato shook his head once, our eyes connected.

"You said you'd kill for me," I reminded him. "This relationship would be pointless if it wasn't mutual."

 

* * *

  

"Coffee?"

"No."

"Candy?"

"No."

"TV?"

"No."

Ayato sat curled up on my bed, his knees hugged to his chest. He had removed his hat and boots, but was still in costume otherwise. I myself had already taken off that sex suit and didn't bother to put on something else.

I sat beside him, wrapping my arm around his shoulder.

"Tell me what you're thinking."

"I never did anything to deserve you," his voice was just below a whisper. "All I do is take and take."

"I don't believe that. We deserve each other."

"The only way you deserve me is if you royally fucked up someway in the past."

"Stop talking like that, Ayato," my tone lost its gentility.

"I miss the heroin. Sometimes I miss Uta, too," he finally cracked, water pouring from his eyes. "And I sit here and think of what I've done to you and it makes me want to put my head through a wall."

I took a deep breath and remembered Hinami's words. Everything should fall into place. I stood up from beside him, walking around to kneel in front of him. I placed a kiss to his thigh and looked back up at him. Already his makeup was smudged and running, his lips uneasy with a tremor. I took his hand, kissing the scarred knuckles.

"It's scary for you, I know. But it doesn't have to be."

"It does. Because I'm going to fuck up severely enough that you'll never want to see me again. Good people stay away from me. And you're good, Kaneki. You're so good."

"You're good too, underneath it all."

"Shut up, would you?" He shook his head, covering his eyes. "I don't need a pep talk."

"It's not a pep talk."

"Then what?" He began to wipe his black tear tracks. "What else could you possibly have to say?"

"I love you."

Ayato's face tensed, his eyes squeezed shut. "What."

"I love you, Ayato-kun. I'm in love with you, actually. I thought you should know."

It was easier to say than I had thought. It wasn't difficult at all, because it was the truth and he needed to hear it. He really did, because he was falling apart before me. He needed to know I wasn't going anywhere.

"So stop with your self-loathing immediately."

Ayato released a sob, covering his face again. I rested my head in his lap as he let the tears flow. I held him as tightly as I could. In an abrupt manner he stood up, raising the tunic off of his body. He then pulled off his undershirt. I was left to marvel.

"Please don't be mad."

I could never be angry with such an act. Only saddened. Saddened he would intentionally hurt and scar his body, all from an illogical place of guilt. But I believe he was too used to the act now. Whenever an unpleasant emotion arose, so did the blade. It was the worse I'd ever seen on him. Thick red slits along his wrist that traveled down to his palm and up to his bicep. It was mostly the left arm, fresh and bruised.

"Don't be," he was hardly audible through his tears. "I know I said I wouldn't-"

I leaned forward and pressed a kiss to his forearm. Along the cuts that looked the deepest. Along the horizontal, vertical and diagonal. Along the short and the long. Along the stray cut on his shoulder. He held his breath as I did so, his body trembling a bit underneath me.

"I'm not angry, Ayato-kun," I left my last kiss on his cheek. "Let me clean these-"

"No," he took my face in his hands. I looked into his reddened eyes, a mess of tears and makeup. "Don't go."

"Okay," I exhaled, allowing my body to relax. "I'm not going anywhere."

He kissed me. He kissed me and he cried, whimpering against my mouth. I pulled back to hush him but he wouldn't let me go. He had a tight grip on my hair and shoulder, holding me like if he let go I would never return. His soft lips parted over mine, a slow movement. Odd for him, to be moving so slow. I only followed his lead, meeting his studded tongue. He moaned once, a quiet noise that resounded in my ears.

It was fine to say it, but I'd rather show it. Even if he didn't feel the same.

I severed our lips and pressed a kiss to his neck, pulling off his remaining clothes. He released a sigh as I took his hardness in my hand, adjusting my position.

Ayato moaned again as I curved my tongue around the head, teasing the slit with a few steady licks. I wet my lips before running them along the shaft, pulling at the sensitive skin. He cursed once, his hands grabbing at the blanket. I brought more of the heat into my mouth, drawing. Ayato began to press his hips forward, sinking into my throat. It was a discomfort, and it had been a while since I'd done this. But I didn't care. I only wanted to please him at this point. My comfort was hardly a concern.

"Ah...Kaneki," he murmured my name with veneration, resting his hand on my head. He took my hair, speeding my movements along. He threw his head back and I held him to the back of my throat. I forced myself down a bit more, choking myself. I pulled off of his cock coughing, wasting no time to return and taste him again. "You're better at that than I thought you'd be."

He chuckled as I shook my head, offended. Back on my feet I eased him onto his back. I laid my body over his and kissed his stained cheek, his lips. I moved downward, running my fingers down his chest and abdomen to his stiffened cock. Wet in my hand, I began to pull. He reacted instantly, his back arching as he groaned. I ran my tongue over his nipple, drawing on the skin with soft pressure. He moaned my name again as I moved my slick hands lower, his legs raising. I gave attention to the other, tugging on his nipple with my teeth.

"Mmn...bite," Ayato moaned, his hips pressing forward again.

I bit down on the sensitive skin, and he gasped beneath me. His breath was so sharp I was afraid I had hurt him. But given the way he gripped my cock through my underwear I'd say he wanted me to.

As I moved down his body I laid kisses and a few soft bites along his pale skin. My fingers traced the deep curve of his hips as I picked up his cock again, nuzzling and licking at the base. Ayato lifted his legs, parting them. I ran my tongue down his entirety, all of his skin smooth. I kissed his entrance, sweeping my tongue over his sensitivities.

"Kaneki...I want to feel you _now_ ," he demanded, his hands tightening on the covers.

I immediately ceased, reaching for the lubricant in my bedside table. I covered my fingers, sitting before him as I slid my index inside of him. He moaned once, already asking for more. I introduced another, pressing deep. His cheeks flushed as I toyed with him, writhing underneath me. I leaned forward and dipped my tongue into his mouth, pounding my fingers into him. He cried out, his screams shortening as they melted into moans.

"Fuck me."

I had a different idea.

After removing my underwear and dampening myself I pressed a kiss to his lips, pressing into his warmth. His jaw tensed, running a hand through his hair. He looked like a perfect mess. Ayato pulled me closer, his arms curling around my neck.

"Are you sure this isn't it...? This is all you love."

"Ayato, shut the fuck up," I forced a kiss on him as I began to move. He returned the kiss with vehemence, moaning into my mouth. He was tasting my moans as well, for being inside of him was the best thing I had ever felt. Not just the heat or the tightness or all the obvious things- but because I loved him and I needed him close. There was nothing closer than this.

"Damn," he exhaled heavily as I kept fluidity, thrusting deep inside of him with each slow movement. I wanted this slow and steady, and Ayato didn't seem too opposed. He was moaning and cursing as usual, now gripping onto my hair as he pulled me in deeper with his legs.

I eased back, lifting his waist and parting his legs further. As I looked down at him an embarrassed smile crossed his lips.

"What? Get on with it..." His smile didn't fade as he rolled his eyes.

"Sorry," I bit on my lip as I rocked my hips. "You're beautiful. Sometimes I have to stare."

"You're beautiful too, you know..."

"Thank you, Ayato-kun."

He didn't speak another word as I squeezed his waist, driving my cock inside of him with ease. He held onto his hair with one hand, and bit on his forefinger with another. That didn't muffle his elevated moans, louder with each thrust. I moved a bit faster, his muscles holding me tight enough that I was groaning as well. His name kept falling from my mouth, _Ayato, Ayato, Ayato._ Because when I looked at him that was all I could fucking think. As I watched his lips part with quavering moans or his brow tense with minute frustration. _Ayato._

"Fuck...there-!" He cried out as I held his thighs, hitting his sweet spot with rapid movements. A debilitating numbness began to set in my hips.

I scooped him up, stopping his orgasm short. I seated him on my lap and seated myself on the edge of the bed. He had no issue taking on some of the work. He began to ride with no question, sliding on my cock as he pulled me into a messy kiss.

" _Fuck_ , I love you," he rasped, his lips still against mine. "I love you so much."

"A-Ayato-kun..."

I returned the sloppy kiss as I held his backside, helping him rock. He gave a loud moan, tears forming at the edges of his eyes.

"Ah...ha...I'm coming," he buried his face in my neck, shaking as I eased him downward on my shaft. In the midst of his scent and hair I kissed the closest part of him, feeling the relief in my muscles. I was left shocked still, the heat spreading to every edge of my body. His moans tapered out, and I squeezed him as tightly as my weakened muscles would allow.

 

* * *

 

"If you could be an animal...which would you pick?"

"Um," I pondered that question for a moment. "A giraffe. It would be cool to see over everyone."

"A fucking giraffe," he snorted, turning over on his stomach to look at me. "Any animal and that's what you pick?"

"They're cute," I frowned.

"Fair enough."

"And you?"

"Some sort of big cat," his eyes widened as he smiled. "So I can kill with my giant teeth and claws. Or maybe a rabbit. 'Cause they're cute."

"I have to say," I began to stroke his hair. "I like the animal I am now."

"Human?"

"Yeah. I found my mate so I'd say I'm content."

"Are you, now?" He giggled and sat up, jumping onto my lap. "Your mate is fucking touched in the head. What do you think of that?"

"I think it's a good thing we can't reproduce."

Ayato flicked my nose. More painful than you'd think.

"Asshole."

"I don't think you're touched. I just think you're a brat with self-esteem and guilt issues. But...I'll help you in any way I can. Whatever it takes," I rested my hands on his waist.

Ayato smiled. He smiled and it was sad. A sad smile that said _if only you knew._ He kissed my lips before collapsing at my side and falling asleep in my arms.


	14. -

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heavy depiction of drug use in this chapter  
> sorry for the spoiler

I had thought about it before. It crossed my mind when we had first met. Is it possible to...

Of course, I had already convinced myself that I couldn't. I wasn't capable, he wasn't capable. But he was so goddamn persistent. It was annoying, to say the least. A constant ringing in my ear. _He wouldn't want you doing this. In fact, no one does. So why do you?_ He had without a doubt nested in my brain. Usually, if someone wanted me to listen to them and heed their words, it gave me the incentive to block. To defend my useless position. I can do whatever I want. I can do whatever I want to myself, even if it hurts other people. Because if anyone could hear this, if anyone could feel this, they wouldn't give a fuck about someone else's pain. There's only the pain you know. You're surrounded by it, and it shrouds you from the outside world.

If I could get out of my head for fucking once.

If I could I wouldn't feel the need to do this.

To be enveloped in this security, this short-lived silence.

That was the most I could hope for.

Silence.

Kaneki wanted to make sure I stayed away from the silence. From the warm and the dark and the quiet. It was a good place. But he was better. I can't put it into simpler terms. His noise overpowered the other. He had carved his way into my life and rooted himself there. I was grateful, because his presence sustained me.

But then it's just one thing to another, isn't it? Addiction to addiction. Just leap from one to the next. I did not want that. He didn't either.

Then there was also the fact that he was only making up for a previous failure. He had failed his family and in turn, himself.

He makes me better, which makes him better. Everybody wins.

I wanted to return. To the quiet. The stillness. If just for one moment I didn't have to think about anything. About how I fucked up my entire life. About the disdain my father holds towards me. About how much I fucking love him. Yes, that I wanted to avoid in particular.

I don't know what I had with Uta or anyone else for that matter. I knew I couldn't love anyone else because I didn't love myself. Another instance proving I don't know a goddamn thing. Because loving him...was more important than hating myself.

And if I could just feel that warm touch one more time, I think I could bear this. I could bear the pain, maybe even learn to live with it. I just had a few skeletons in my closet I needed to deal with first.

 

* * *

 

"Look who decided to come back."

"And what are you supposed to be?"

Nishiki pointed to his t-shirt, emphasizing the Batman logo. I released a laden sigh, shaking my head at the unsurprising lack of creativity.

"You always fulfill my expectations, Nishio. Truly."

"Ayato-kun," in a melodic voice, Naki made his appearance crashing into me with a hug, hanging onto my shoulders. "I thought I saw you leave. Where's the ball and chain?"

"Fuck you, don't call him that," I pushed him off of me. "God, you fucking smell."

"Fuck you. I brought you whiskey and everything. I thought you wanted-"

"Yeah. Where is it?"

With a roll of his eyes Naki reached into his pocket and handed me a small flask. I began to unscrew it, my fingers shaking as I did so.

"How many days were you sober, actually?" Nishiki plucked the container from my hands and opened it with ease. "Not a drop of anything?"

"Almost seven days. Almost," I snatched the flask from his hands before turning to walk away.

"Wait, wait," Naki stopped me as I took a pull from the flask, alcohol singeing my soul on the way down. He spun me back around by my shoulder. "Wanna line?"

"Of?"

"Ecstasy."

"Nah. It's going to make me want to fuck someone and I'm in enough trouble as it is," I took another gulp, cursing myself as it coated my throat.

"What'd you do this time?"

"He's in love with me."

"Oooh," Naki's eyebrows rose. "Can't say I'm surprised. He certainly acts like it. If being in love means being rude to every single person here besides you, then yeah."

"Why would that be a bad thing?" Nishiki ignored Naki's response, looking straight at me with his arms folded over his chest.

"Why wouldn't it be?" Naki muttered.

"Take a walk, Naki," Nishiki hissed before Naki trotted off with a frown. Then he approached me, hanging his arm over my shoulder and pulling me close as if he had a secret to share. "Now, I warned the man to stay away from you. Clearly he doesn't like to listen and clearly he likes being mixed up in your shit. No one else is going to, Kirishima. He really does love you. That's not a problem, or something you just toss aside. For once in your life, don't be a selfish idiot this time."

"I'm not going to throw this away, Nishio. I just have a few things to deal with first. I have to be a selfish idiot just one more time tonight," I had myself another swig.

"Don't. I can already tell it's a mistake. Go home, Kirishima. Go back to Kaneki."

I sighed, patting him on the chest as I snaked my way out of his grasp. "I'll see you later."

Once I parted myself from Nishiki I went back in search for Naki. I myself could use a little artificial dopamine. I knew Uta wouldn't be going anywhere anytime soon. That was something that could wait. I had to calm myself down first. I trekked up the stairs, knowing that's where I'd find Naki. I found the bathroom and knocked on the door once.

"Occupado-"

"It's me, Naki."

I heard giggling behind the door. With a suck of my teeth I kicked the bottom of the door, the wood shaking violently.

"Any other night, Naki. Any other _fucking_ night," I spat, already hearing the lock disengage. Naki and I's friendship was so successful because we didn't trust each other and he was also afraid of me.

"Get in," before I knew it a hand yanked me inside the bathroom. The door shut behind me. It was fucking dark in there, the only illumination from Christmas lights strung up around the mirror.

"Sorry, Ayato-kun," the giggling returned. I turned to see it was from none other than Rize. "But don't scrunch up your pretty face like that. It's a crime."

"Whatever," I snatched the rolled up bill from her unsuspecting fingers.

"Excuse you," she snapped, swatting at my hand. "Why must you always be in a bad mood?"

"I'm about to be in a good one," I smiled to myself, bending over and taking the line off the counter top. I snorted and held my head back, handing Naki the bill.

"Way to take the fattest one," he frowned.

I rubbed away at my nose, before looking at Rize again. "Oh wow. Nice costume."

"Why, thank you," she smoothed out her wig. She was Cruella de Vil this year, with her dress and fur coat. Somehow fitting for her. "Where's your Zelda? I don't see her around-"

"Give it a rest, Rize-san," Naki laughed to himself, leaning over the counter as well.

"Oh, yeah, where's your Kaneki? He waltzed in here in his sexy costume without even saying hello," she crossed her arms.

"Not anything I'm willing to talk about right now," I sighed, feeling my very core beginning to tingle pleasantly. "See you."

"Rude."

I walked out of the bathroom with a new energy, my muscles tightly wound. As I descended the stairs to head for the crowd, I felt a soft squeeze on my arm.

"Hina-"

"What are you doing here?" Her brow pinched as she released her hand. The lingering pressure felt nice. "Where's Kaneki-san?"

I sighed as I took her face in my hands, effects settling in. I ran my thumbs over her cheeks, her skin soft like silk. She examined my eyes and I giggled, squeezing her resilient skin.

"Are you rolling? You've got to be kidding me."

"Can we talk after I dance?"

"I love you more than anything, Ayato-kun, but you're going to ruin this for yourself," Hina shook her head, retreating away from me. Though her words were sharp, I blocked them with ease.

I waded through the people to reach the dance floor. I just needed to clear my head for the moment. Just listen to the music and think about how to proceed with my next step. My eyes slipped shut as the music penetrated my brain, every note a symphony in my head. It felt good. Amazing, even. In fact, it felt amazing just to even breathe. That's when I began to move.

If just for one moment I didn't have to think about anything. I couldn't do that in bed with Kaneki, listening to the sound of his weighted breathing or twisting his unnaturally soft hair in my fingers. I could do that here, with the pounding audio in my head and light sensation of tingling on my skin. And I wasn't sorry for leaving. He would be proud of me for standing up for myself and taking what's rightfully mine.

With an abrupt beat the song ended and I was left catching my breath. I could nearly hear my heart pounding in my chest. Water...

I didn't have water. I popped open the flask as I made my way over to the punch table. And who would've guessed who was there waiting for me?

"Cookie," I grumbled, taking another long gulp.

"Kirishima," he nodded, his arms folded.

"Nice costume," I looked him up and down, my eyes rolling thereafter. "Tool."

"You really can move, you know. I was surprised because you had nothing to grind your ass against."

With his pathetic insult I found myself laughing, recalling the time I danced with Kaneki. He had been a bit stiff but it was enjoyable. More laughable than anything because I knew how uncomfortable he was at first. I just dragged him along and placed him where I wanted him to be. Essentially, he did the same for me.

"You applying for the job, officer?" I took a step forward.

"Back up, Ayato. You're pathetic and you disgust me."

"Glad to know it's mutual."

"And you're looking positively faced this evening. I wonder what Kaneki will think," he smiled at me, as if that were some poorly concealed threat.

"You're so jealous of me," I exclaimed, soon overcome with laughter. I thought my cheeks would burst from all this smiling. "It's incredulous."

"Jealous of what, exactly? That you get to be dicked by Kaneki? Not really. I thought I liked him but he's just as pathetic as you."

"Say another word," my smile dissipated.

"And what? You'll stab me? You have some serious growing up to do but that's not my problem. It's his. You two really deserve each other," he chuckled, shaking his head.

"Yeah. So it turns out we're in love."

"I don't doubt it," Urie sighed, running a hand through his hair. "But it's that fucked up kind of love. The unhealthy kind where you need something else to cling on to and he needs you to make him feel like he's worth something."

He was killing my roll.

"Why are you so fucking invested?"

"It's just sad. I love a good tragedy."

"And I'd love to pull your tongue out of your mouth and feed it to you," taking another step forward, I attempted to be intimidating. "But you don't see me talking about it."

"I'm not scared of you, Kirishima. I'm not Kaneki," he held my gaze as he looked down at me like I was nothing.

"You have no idea what I'm capable of."

And for a split second, I saw it in his eyes. Unease. Maybe fear.

"Ayato, what are you doing? Leave him alone," my sister walked over with a handful of candy, passing a few to Urie as I stood down. "Sorry."

"No need," Urie smiled at me. "I think we had a good talk."

"Go fuck yourself, barista."

"I have to talk to you, Ayato," she popped a piece of chocolate into her mouth. "Whenever you can, okay?"

"No time like the present, Aneki," I grinned at her before glancing over to Urie. "Beat it."

"I'll come find you later," he said goodbye to Touka and walked off. I stuck my tongue out at him once his back was turned.

"For once, can you treat people like they're human beings?" She shook her head at me as I took another sip. I was finally feeling the effects of the alcohol, warming my chilled bones.

"Of course," I released a quiet burp. "Once he does the same for me. He called me skank. A skank. Who even uses that word anymore? Mind you this is all after he tried to kiss my boyfriend."

"What?" Touka's eyes widened. "No way."

"Mm-hm," I nodded. "And I got to witness it all. Maybe they'd be a good couple. After all, Kaneki really does know his way around a-"

"Okay, okay," she interrupted, waving her hands in a plea for me not to continue. "Wow, Ayato...how is Urie still breathing? I remember when you cracked the ribs of one of Uta's clients."

It sounded familiar, but I couldn't remember. A lot of my time with him was fuzzy.

"Maybe it's because I saw Kaneki kiss him back," my eyes drifted, following the halos around the lights. "Suddenly I was the third wheel. I don't know. I was too upset to be angry."

"That's certainly something..." Her eyes widened again. "Come here."

Touka forced a hug on me. Good thing was I was still high, and even the tiniest bit of affection on this drug was enough to leave me content. So I returned the embrace and squeezed her waist, hiding my face in her shoulder.

"He told me he loves me," I told her as she released me.

"And you love him. Don't have to tell me," she smiled and crossed her arms. "Don't fuck it up, Ayato."

"I'm not! Why does everyone think-"

Right. Fucking things up had become a trade of mine.

"What are you on?"

"Just a line. Molly."

"If Kaneki sees you-"

"He's not here," I explained. "Look, he's at his apartment. Sleeping still, probably. I just needed to clear my head and think about this. I also have to take care of something."

"Like you can do either one of those things when you're high," she rolled her eyes, her head falling into her hand. "If you ever pick up a fucking needle again I'm going to disembowel you."

"You think I want that?" My roll had officially been ruined. It had been stomped on and decided to flee. I couldn't take another seething look of disappointment tonight. I couldn't. "I just wanted to calm down a bit. I just need to speak with Uta. He owes me something and once that's settled I'm telling him to stay away for good. Then I'll go back to him, to where I belong."

"Do you really believe that?" Her eyes scanned mine. "He's where you belong?"

I nodded, not even having to think about the answer.

"I do."

"What is it you need from Uta, exactly?"

"Money. He owes me a shitload and it's mine."

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about. Dad wanted to start giving you payments from Mom's will-"

"No," I shook my head. "I'm going to need that all at once so I can buy a house. I'll have my shit together by then."

"This is what you wanted," she shook her head in disbelief.

"I want money that _I_ earned, money for _my_ artwork. He'll give it to me. I know he will. Then I can buy a present for Kaneki, ask him if he wants to live together. We'll be one big happy."

"I want that for you, Ayato, I do," she smiled, no doubt on the verge of tears. "So does Dad. We just want you happy and healthy. And I know Kaneki will always take care of you. I have no worries."

"I know. I know, Touka," I gave her another hug. "I love you."

"I love you too," she sniffled.

"Now stop crying and trot back to Cookie. I have a douchebag to find."

"Be careful, okay? I don't trust him. I don't trust you two together," she squeezed my hand as we released each other.

"It'll be as brief as I can make it, trust me."

I gave my sister a kiss and began my second, more important search of the evening. After walking around the apartment twice, I found Uta chatting it up with Tsukiyama.

"Ayato-kun? I thought I saw you leave with Kaneki. Is he-"

"It's a wonderful party, Tsukiyama. Truly," I grinned at the man, taking Uta by the arm. "But if you'll excuse us I need to talk with him."

I dragged Uta into the dining room, pulling him along and placing him in the corner. I rested my hands on my hips and sighed.

"Alright, we need to-"

"Where is Kaneki-kun?"

"What?"

"Where is your boyfriend?" He repeated with cadence.

"Irrelevant at the moment."

"I'd have to disagree, Ayato-chan," Uta shook his head. "He's very protective over you. I can relate. So I'll respect your relationship."

"Well...good," I spoke with certainty although I was confused by the sudden change of heart. Then again, Uta never really did care about me. It was all an act. There was a level of possession he wanted to have, and that was it. So to accept that I've moved on probably wasn't all that difficult for him.

"Doesn't mean he's good for you, though," he leaned his head against the wall. "What I wouldn't give for another chance with you."

"That ship has fucking sailed."

"Don't remind me," he gave me a thin smile. "What can I do for you, dear?"

"I want money. I know you have it, and you're going to start paying me every time you use one of my designs. And you're going to pay me for every one you've ever used."

"I don't have records like that-"

"I'll settle for one million."

"Don't be ridiculous."

"Nine hundred thousand, then."

"And what about when I shot you up for three months straight?" He took a step forward. "Shouldn't that be deducted from your estimate, Ayato-chan?"

"Eight," I rose a brow at him.

"Half."

"Fuck you. Eight."

"Six, then."

"I'll settle for seven and a half. That and I don't kick your ass," I felt my jaw clench.

"Relax, Ay," he smiled again and ran his thumb over my neck. "Seven and a half and you let me give you something."

"How many times must I say this? No," I pushed his hand away. "My skin is porcelain and I won't let you touch it."

"I've always thought white chocolate," he glanced at my lips.

"Ew," I held up my hand to his face, taking a step back. "Just get me the money by the end of the week and we won't have to speak again."

"You don't want it now?" He asked.

"No. I have to get back to Kaneki."

"Fine. But it may not be in full, then. I have to fill my supplies and-"

"Alright. Fine. Now, then. The sooner this is over with, the better."

 

* * *

 

We took the train back to the 4th Ward in silence. I shared the whiskey with him. I didn't want the rest, anyway. It was leaving me with a headache. Plus, I had to think of what to do with the money. Or, more specifically, what to buy Kaneki. Another bookshelf? They started to pile up in his bedroom because the rest were full. Maybe a new television for his living room. The other one he had was just a modest tube. No...something more corny. Something sentimental, all that shit he likes. He'd like a ring, wouldn't he? Maybe matching ones. He could use an accessory or two after all. Yeah...he'd like that.

Walking up the stairs to Uta's apartment again felt...odd. I was a bit uncomfortable, being alone with him. It felt so familiar.

"Welcome back," he unlocked the door and stepped inside, turning on the light.

His apartment was large, not unlike Tsukiyama's in that aspect. The living room was wide and open, high red walls. I immediately went for the couch, sitting down. It faced a large window overlooking the city. The Tokyo lights glimmered and shone against the sky. He hadn't changed a thing in here. There were still art supplies spread across the coffee table. We had never been organized artists, that's for sure. Upstairs he probably still had his studio and all those hideous tapestries up on his bedroom walls.

"Want something to drink?"

"No," I replied from the couch, sinking into the right corner. "Thank you."

"I'll be right back with it," he headed up the stairs.

Uta wasn't merely a tattoo artist, he owned his own shop. He also made intricate masks in his free time. Needless to say, he was successful. He also moved large amounts of heroin and Oxycontin, always with ease. When we were together I never really asked about it or got involved, I just realized it myself from the lavish apartment and endless supply of narcotics.

I didn't love him. And I was never in love with him. He used me and preyed on my vulnerabilities, but I still had love for him. Because he was there for me when I had no one else.

He descended the stairs with a few brown paper bags cradled in his inked arm. He sat them on the coffee table, over a sketch pad.

"I'd like to speak with you first, if that's alright."

"Sure."

I didn't want to speak, but I wanted my money. So I could play along for now.

"How old were you when we met?"

"Sixteen," I nodded.

"I remember you coming into the shop, flirting with the piercer. You were wearing that Nirvana shirt that barely even fit you."

"That's because it was my sister's," I smiled in remembrance. "But hey, it got me a free tongue piercing."

"You were so different then, Ayato-chan," he blinked once, frowning.

"Please don't."

"Do you love Kaneki?"

"I do. I'm in love with him," I shook my head once, the ache returning with a sharp intensity. I hid behind my hands. "It's embarrassing. I think I could be with him, you know? Like 'til were old and gross."

"I want you to be happy. More than anyone," he rested his hand on my thigh, squeezing softly.

With a sigh I removed my hat, laying it on my lap before mussing up my bangs. "I believe you."

"Does he know?"

"Uta, stop."

"Answer me."

I felt my heart twinge in pain, beginning to pump a bit faster. A nausea set in my stomach, so I laid my hand over my mouth. My eyes already began to burn with salt.

"No. He...He doesn't."

"I knew you wouldn't tell him," he deadpanned. "You're afraid of what he'll think."

"No, I'm not," I gritted through my teeth, looking to the lights. "I think he'll-"

"Love you anyway? Why would he? He's standing on a fucking mountain of morals. You think he'd be okay with involuntary manslaughter?"

"Fuck you," I hissed, pushing his hand off of me. The pain I could rarely ignore resumed and intensified, my mind screaming for relief.

"That's why you left. You don't want money- well, I'm sure you do. But you also can't deal with the fact that he's in love with you and doesn't know what you really are. It makes you sick, I can see it."

My hands clung at my hair, wanting to curse and punch and just react some other way, anything less pathetic than me crying so hard I thought I would pass out. And Uta was right. Every word spoken was the truth. I never told him, never planned on it, never wanted to. I couldn't bear his reaction, whatever it might be.

"I already know what you hear in your head, Ayato-chan," he pulled my limp body inward and pressed a kiss to the nape of my neck. "'How could he ever love someone who killed his own mother?'"

That smell of burning rubber returned. Burning rubber and blood and smoke and more blood. I had been the one behind the wheel, running a red light to make my turn. The trucker had been making his turn, too. It was so short, but I could see the grill of his vehicle before we collided. I could see the back of my mother's head, watching her death approach her. And I wasn't drunk. I wasn't high. I was impatient after I missed the yellow arrow. My mother was dead because I had been impatient.

The only reason Uta knew is because I had asked him to come shoot me up after I got back from the hospital. Only him and my father knew.

Uta held me as I cried, cried harder, then didn't cry at all, just short, whimpering breaths. I wanted it to stop, this thumping in my chest and ringing in my ears. _Anything,_ I said, _anything to make it stop._

"I'll take care of you," he told me in a sweet voice, pressing a kiss to my lips.

Uta sat between my legs, rolling up the sleeve on my left arm. He ran his fingers over the fresh cuts, their burn still prevalent. It seemed he didn't have an opinion on that. He knew I would cope whatever way I could, and that he couldn't stop me.

He removed his belt and fastened it around my upper arm, it's hold tighter than I remembered. I watched him, because I had missed the act. He broke the heroin in the spoon with some water. With a lighter he cooked it, blending it together. He pulled the drugs with a syringe, topping it off.

I remained silent as he slid the needle into the pronounced vein. The chamber turned red with my blood and I closed my eyes.

My fingers unfurled, my muscles unwound. And all I could think or feel was this paralyzing warmth, this sensation of being above ground. It was short and sweet. I listened as my heartbeat slowed and became a distant sound.


	15. Ayato III

Some mornings felt better than others. In fact, some mornings were perfect. Ones where his scent still lingered on my sheets, where the taste of him remained on my tongue.

"Mm...Ayato-kun," I rose sat up from the bed and rubbed my eyes. "I can make breakfast if you want. I know you don't really like to eat in the mornings but I don't accept that. I also bought this really good bacon, so I'm making it for you."

No response. I sighed and went to hit him, my hand only meeting the pillow. No way he had gotten up before me.

I rose from my bed, stretching and shaking off the morning before checking the bathroom. Empty. The living room was empty as well. I even looked outside to see if he was smoking. He was gone.

"...asshole," I mumbled to myself once I was back in my room. I shouldn't be such a heavy sleeper. I shouldn't assume the worst, either. Maybe he had to go see his family or Hinami.

But I was surprised to hear him return my affections last night. He loved me, he said. He showed it as well. With every kiss every word between his moans every squeeze of my skin. I missed him. Why wasn't he right next to me where he should be? I held a pillow tight, my leg beginning to shake in thought. Maybe something was wrong...something felt wrong. I picked up my phone and dialed his number.

It didn't even ring, it went straight to his condescending voicemail.

Ayato...he wouldn't lie, would he? Not about that. He wouldn't look me in the eye and say it if it wasn't true. He had nothing to gain from that, and therefore wouldn't do it. He hadn't always been honest, but he had always been forthright about his feelings for me. It wasn't a lie and last night wasn't an act. There was a reason for this. Worrying would not help. He'd call me when he could, and he would explain.

I spent a fair portion of the morning cooking. It was a good distraction. Hide had been sick for a few days now, so I took it upon myself to bring him soup. It was very aromatic and just spicy enough to clear the sinuses. Once it was finished I drove over to Hide's.

"Thank you," once I presented him with soup he pulled me into a one-armed hug, sniffling along the way. "I know no one else who would cook for me."

"It's a pleasure," I patted him on the back. "Only a touch of red miso. Just how you like it."

"I'll eat once I feel hungry..." He mumbled, easing back. Indeed he looked sick, his eyes hollow and his nose red and runny. He rubbed away at it. "I'm sure Touka-chan will like it."

"Is she here?"

"Yeah, she came over last night," he nodded slowly. "I think she was worried about Ayato-kun."

"Why would she be worried?" I asked, already fearing the answer.

"It's always something," he shrugged. "Even if he's clean."

"He deals with a lot, but he'll be fine."

"Of course he will, he has you," Hide presented a weak smile. "He's fine, right? He's with you?"

No reason to have Touka worrying.

"Yeah," I nodded.

"Good," Hide exhaled a heavy sigh. "Thank you for bringing the soup, Kaneki. I appreciate it."

"Ahh," I crossed my arms. "I see. You don't want to invite me in."

"Well, no, it's not that. It's just that Touka-chan is still in bed and I think she wanted-"

"I'll leave you to it, then," I turned away from him. "I have work anyway."

"See ya, Kaneki."

 

* * *

 

I had to drag myself in to work. As the day carried on it seemed I was losing energy, waiting to hear back from Ayato. So typical of him to run off after saying he 'loved' me. What bullshit. I didn't know how much more I could take...this started to physically pain me. There was a weakness in my heart, I always felt short of breath.

"Are you okay, Kaneki-san? You look like you're about to keel over."

I looked up to Urie from the counter. Was he being nice...?

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks, I guess," I mumbled.

"No problem," a brief smile met his lips as he squeezed my shoulder.

"Why are you being nice to me?" I glanced at his hand.

"Because we're in our place of employment. I kind of need a raise."

"Fuck you," I pushed his hand off of me as he laughed.

"I'm only half-kidding. I kind of feel bad for you, too. And I'm tired of chasing after you like a cat with a laser pointer. Wanting something I'll never physically have. I'm over it anyway," he sighed, looking out the window.

"You're a good person, Urie. Anyone would be lucky. It's just-"

"I'm not him."

"Er...that's one way of looking at it. I just love him, that's all."

"Yeah, so I've heard," he retrieved a washcloth from beneath the counters and began to wipe the tops.

"Wait, what?"

Just then the bell rang, another customer coming through the door. We were relatively light today. Urie looked up immediately, a flush setting in his cheeks.

"This one is mine, okay?" He mumbled to me.

"It depends where they sit-"

"Nope, not this time."

The customer had chosen to sit at the bar, anyway. He had seated himself between us, leaning on the countertop. His hair was a dark shade of green, his skin olive-toned. A nervous smile met his lips as he looked up towards us.

"Good afternoon."

"And to you," I tipped my head.

"What can I get you?" Urie asked, smiling as his voice overshadowed mine.

"Just the usual."

"Coming right up."

...that was odd. I'd never seen Urie consecutively smile for more than ten seconds. He turned away to prepare his coffee.

"What's your name?"

"Mutsuki," he nodded.

"Kaneki," I smiled at him. "You know Urie?"

"I just transferred about a week ago, he's in my business class."

"Oh, that's nice. I'm sure you'll enjoy Kamii."

"I think so too. Do you attend?"

"I do. No classes with him, though," I peered over my shoulder to see Urie steeping the coffee. "But we're good friends. He's a nice guy."

Mm-hm. Totally nice. Not an asshole in the least.

"Thank you," Mutsuki smiled as Urie set down his coffee. As he went to pick it up Urie turned to me.

"Can I speak with you?"

"Certainly."

Both of us walked to the far back behind the counter.

"What was that about? What were you doing?"

"You like him," I grinned, poking his chest once. He was not amused. "I put in a good word for you. Had to lie, but."

"What do you mean you lied? What did you say?" He whispered.

"That you're a nice guy."

I laughed from the wrath of his glare. Urie rolled his eyes and went to turn away but I stopped him by the arm.

"What is it?" He shook me off.

"What you said before. 'So I've heard'? What does that mean?"

"Kaneki," he sighed as he shook his head. "I really don't want to get tangled in that fucked up web you call a relationship again."

"I haven't heard from him all day," I glanced out the window to see the sun making its way down. "Please. I'm worried."

He sighed another time, looking at me with pitiful eyes.

"I saw him again at the party last night. After you two went home."

"What?" My brow pinched. "He went back?"

"Guess so. He was looking fucked up, too. Rolling, I think."

"Idiot..."

"After our little spat I saw him leave again with that guy who wasn't wearing a costume. The creepy one?"

"Uta? No. There's no way," my brain immediately rejected that information.

"Just telling you what I saw," he shrugged. "Why? Who's Uta?"

"His ex."

"I wouldn't be too worried. You seem to be giving it good enough," Urie paused and touched his chin in feigned thought. "Unless there's drugs involved. He does seem like the type who would suck dick for smack."

"Fuck. You," I hissed, taking a step closer. Urie only smiled.

"Just don't come running back to me when he fucks you over again."

"I never went running to you in the first place."

"Right," he pressed his lips together. "It's bound to happen sooner or later and you know it."

I watched Urie walk back over to Mutsuki who was still sipping on his coffee. He was wrong. I didn't believe Ayato would hurt me, not again. Not with Uta or drugs or anything else. At least that's what I told myself to get through the rest of the work day.

 

* * *

 

Hinami probably knew where he was. It was dark now and he'd been missing all fucking day. How could I not worry now? Once I changed out of my uniform I would conduct my search. If Uta hurt him in any way I'd crush his skull. I already had thought about all the different ways I would do it. Now to just-

"Kaneki!"

When I walked in, there he was seated on the couch with a smile on his face as if nothing had happened. He closed his DS and set it down before waving me over.

"C'mere."

"Ayato-kun..." I set down my things, walking over. He had changed out of his costume into his usual muted attire, gray this time around. But he still had makeup smudged beneath his eyes. He looked much better than when I last saw him, crying his eyes out. What exactly was he so happy for? I sat beside him and took my suspicions with me. "What are you doing here? I thought you were-"

"What are you doing here," he repeated with a chortle, climbing onto my waist. He pressed our bodies tight, taking my face in his hands. A sly smile crossed his lips. "Do I need a reason?"

"Well, no, but-"

Ayato pressed our lips together, the sensation immediately calming my nerves. My hands moseyed up his thighs before holding his waist, easing him into a soft rock. He moaned once as I followed the curve of his spine with my fingers. His tongue traced my lips, and soon enough he was biting on my scar.

"God, I missed you..."

"I missed you too, Ayato-kun," I gave him one more kiss before proceeding with the obvious question, making certain not to tell him what I already knew. "Where were-"

"Wait, I have something for you," he leaned back a bit to reach into the front pocket of his pants. He struggled a bit, unable to retrieve what he needed at that angle. "Fucking skinny jeans."

Ayato stood to his feet, pulling the item out of his pocket too quickly for me to see.

"I got you something," he beamed, seating himself between my legs. "Close your eyes."

"Ayato-"

"Do it."

He wasn't asking. With a sigh I squeezed my eyes shut. He took my right hand, sliding a cool piece of metal over my index finger. A ring...?

"Open."

I immediately looked down at the band on my finger. It was relatively thin and silver. But once I looked closer I could see there were little stones inside. Black diamonds.

"I have one too," he held up his right hand, four rings adorning it. But on his index he had one just like mine. "It's engraved."

"What does it say...?"

"Just each other's names. I couldn't think of anything romantic," he pursed his lips in disappointment.

I twisted the ring off my finger and peered at the inside. Sure enough it read _Ayato_ in alphabetic letters. It was a beautiful piece of jewelry and an even more beautiful gesture. I smiled, slipping the ring back on. I also knew he was broke, so how was he able to buy black diamonds? He gave my hand a long kiss.

"I hope you like it."

"I love it."

"You seemed like more of a white gold person to me."

"It's gold...?" I looked back down at the jewelry, sparkling under the light.

"Only the best."

"Ayato-kun...I don't know what to say," I tried to repress my smile but failed. "Thank you."

"Say you love me," he returned the smile, crippling my heart as he folded our hands together.

"I do. So much, you have no idea..." My eyes stung for a moment, conflicting emotions running my thoughts. I pushed them away.

"You fucking better."

"Don't try and tell me you woke up before me and were at the jewelry store all day. Where were you?"

He sighed, rising from the floor and seating himself on the coffee table. "I left some time after you fell asleep. You fall asleep very quickly after you come."

"Get to the point," I crossed my arms.

"I went back to the party."

"Why?"

"I guess..." He sighed, rubbing his neck. "I guess I was scared. You can have that effect on people. I used to think anyone good, anyone genuine would be incapable of that. They could see what I was worth: nothing."

"That's not true," I frowned.

"So I thought 'yeah, now would be a good time to have some whiskey', and I left."

"Fair enough, I suppose...I did just kind of drop it on you."

"I'm glad you did," a brief smile lightened his expression. "So I got just the tiniest bit fucked up. Nothing to concern yourself with."

"And afterwards?"

"I'll be honest with you, I had set a plan in motion once I got there."

"Oh?"

"I had a talk with Uta."

"Wow," I exhaled, feigning surprise. "Continue."

"I told him it was time to pay up for using my designs. He agreed. He'd never been a stingy person."

"That's how you bought these?"

"Mm-hm," he nodded.

"So that's it? That's all? He just gave you money?"

"Well, no. We took a train to the 4th Ward where he lives and then he gave me the money," Ayato explained, brushing his bangs off his face. "Seven hundred thousand."

My eyes widened at the number. I was suppose to believe Uta just handed him the money with no strings attached?

"You're not telling me something," I shook my head. "No way he just gave you the money with nothing in return."

"He must've agreed 'cause he feels bad for me," he gave a slight shrug. "And I agreed to make a few designs for him. Larger pieces."

"Ayato, no. I don't want you connected to him in any way anymore," I shook my head. "He was the one who-"

"I make my own decisions," he cut my words with his. "If it wasn't the heroin it would've been something else. We both know it."

"I don't want you using again and I don't trust it."

"You don't have to worry. And I'll need some sort of income if I'm ever to buy my own place. Plus, I want to draw again. It's the only thing that really centers me."

Ayato held my gaze, his eyes holding a certain clarity. He was sounding way too rational. I pursed my lips and grumbled. "Nothing happened last night...? Between you two?"

"No."

"And you didn't use?"

"'Drugs are a waste of time', so said Kurt Cobain. 'They destroy your memory and your self-respect and everything that goes along with with your self-esteem. They're no good at all.'"

"Is that like your own version of the serenity prayer?"

"He's helped me more than God ever has," he snorted.

"You still didn't answer my question."

"Why would I do that after I've come this far?"

"It's yes or-"

"No. I didn't," he went back to his knees and leaned in. "Because I know I can't have both. I'd rather have you."

"...ever charming," I muttered.

"Shh," he hushed me before pressing his lips to my neck. "Now go change. I'm taking you out."

I myself found it hard to believe that Uta would just hand over a significant amount of money like that. Cash, no less. So he was a drug dealer, then. Ayato said most of it was tip money. Another sorry lie. I told him he could do better than that. And I didn't want him interacting with Uta at all, but what could I do? He was right. He was an adult who made his own decisions. All I could hope to do was influence him. Sooner or later, though, he would give into the temptation if the opportunity presented itself. I tried not to think about it for the time being.

"Oh wow..." Ayato rose from the couch, his eyes drifting down my body. "Black is your color."

I had donned a black button down and blazer, attempted to comb my hair. He said to 'dress nicely', so that's what I did. Though he looked better than me, he always did. He had pulled back his hair and shrugged on his own jacket over his v-neck.

"I thought it was your color."

"Apparently not," his lips twisted into a purse. "We could always stay here. I'm sure we'll find something to do..."

"No, we won't," I rolled my eyes. "Wine and dine, Ay. That comes first."

"Fine, let's go," he took my hand in his and pulled me out the door.

"You're overdoing it..."

"You're the only person I know who would complain about getting pampered."

 

* * *

 

I had driven us to a restaurant where he had made reservations for us. It was one of the more luxurious places in the 20th Ward, complete with marble columns and floors and hand-painted murals and live music and it was ridiculously nice. We were seated in a booth for two in the back where it was quiet. Soft, white tablecloth and candles and champagne. He did love his clichés. And admittedly, so did I.

"It just feels odd...because of where the money came from."

"My hard work, you mean?" He snapped a breadstick.

"You're right, I'm sorry," I shook my head. "I just don't like him."

"Not too fond of him either. But like I said, we talked a bit. I told him how I feel about you and he said he would respect us."

"And I'm supposed to believe him? I'm supposed to believe you?" I watched him chew on the bread.

"Right...that's why I wanted to talk to you," he spoke with clarity after he swallowed. "I think about what you said every day since you've said it. That you won't trust me again."

"Ayato-"

"Please," he held up his jeweled hand. "Let me finish."

Fair. I took a deep breath and nodded, retrieving my glass of weak and bubbly alcohol.

"Me and my sister have been in fist fights before we were out of diapers. That's how we deal with things. She's always been a bit more reigned in than I am, she's always had more self-control. But we have the same fucking DNA. So she knew. She knew exactly what was going to happen if she crossed me. With the drugs, threatening to tell Arata," he paused, sweeping a few loose black locks behind his ear. "It doesn't matter, though. She's my sister. I love her. More than anything. I'm her fucking brother. I'm supposed to be protecting her with all I have, not beating her down."

Ayato was pensive and engaged, taking a moment to breathe and sip his drink.

"That's right," I nodded. "I'm glad I'm hearing this from you."

"More relevantly, the same applies to you. Well, no I'm not your brother and I don't need to protect you, but I won't hurt you again. It's true what you said, I really know nothing else. That's not to say my parents didn't try, I just didn't listen. And I'm sorry again. Even if you were locking lips with that fucking human dishrag."

"Ay-"

"What?" He shrugged. "I get it. He's cute. But he's also really fucking mean. I don't like him at all and I still want to kick his face."

"I'm sorry...I'm sorry I let it happen. A part of me wanted to."

"It's okay, it's over now. I know it doesn't compare to how you feel about me. But if he tries to pull the same bullshit-"

"He won't," I shook my head, taking another sip.

"Why do you say that?"

"A boy came to the shop today. I'd never seen him so flustered."

"Good. They can go ride off into the sunset then and leave us the fuck alone," he had himself another gulp.

"Maybe not the former, but certainly the latter."

"I won't hurt you again. Well, not without your permission," he gave a sly smile, revealing white teeth. "I mean it. Because this won't work if you don't trust me."

"Do you trust me?"

His head nodded slowly. "With my life."

"So that's what this is," I leaned in, setting down my glass as I smiled. "You're trying to buy my trust."

"While I'm sarcasm's number one advocate, I'd appreciate if you'd take what I'm saying seriously, Ken."

Ahh. _Ken_. He was being serious. With his dark eyes on mine, I wiped the smirk clear off my face. They were unsullied and almost pleading for recognition. He deserved some.

"You're right. Sorry," I shook my head, leaning back into the bench. "Maybe in time I can learn to again. That's all I can give you right now."

"And I'll take it," his smile returned.

Just then the waitress brought out our food. We had both ordered the sea bass. As I watched Ayato pick up his cutlery I wondered when this happened. When did this growth occur, the sudden maturity? It seemed to be coming from nowhere. How was this the same boy who gave me the phone number to McDonald's when I asked for his? Maybe he took note of my recent distance and unease towards him. And I know he didn't want that.

"So," he spoke up again as I cut into my fish. "I can get my own apartment with this money."

"Do you want to move out?"

"Yes," Ayato rolled his eyes. "I want a bigger aquarium, a bigger bed. I don't want to hear my sister fucking your friend through paper thin walls. It makes it really hard for me to jerk off. No pun intended."

I laughed, nearly choking on my food. I reached for my champagne as I coughed.

"I'd also like a studio room," he chuckled at my expense, shaking his head.

"I thought you wanted to buy a house," I cleared my throat.

"That's also a possibility. Touka said Arata would start giving me the payments. I just wanted the money I earned first. No, I think I'm better off in a larger apartment for now. I'll buy a house when you're ready to buy a house."

"...what?"

"I want to live with you, idiot. So whenever you're ready," he waved me off, going back to his plate.

To wake up to him everyday, to cook for him everyday, to go to sleep with him everyday...that sounded ideal. In fact, I was surprised he would want such a thing. To be constantly under my radar. But then again, if he was doing nothing wrong there'd be nothing to worry about.

"You really want that?"

"Sorry if it feels fast," he mumbled.

"It doesn't. Well, it does. But in a good way."

"I just want to be with you," Ayato smiled downwards, looking at the small candle between us. "That's all."

"I want that too. I'll think about it."

"Please, take your time. I'm not exactly ready anyway. I need to get my shit together. I've already found an art school to apply to and now I have a job," he exhaled. "It's like everything's coming together for me. It's weird."

"You deserve it more than anyone else."

"And I'm done with the bullshit. The lying and the cutting and the guilt and feeling fucking sorry for myself all the fucking time," he set down his fork, rubbing at his forehead. "I have to move on..."

"You can remember her," I nodded. "She'd want you to be happy. To move forward with your life. It wasn't your fault, Ayato. You couldn't have done a thing differently."

"Yeah," he spoke, clearly not believing those words. "Sure."

"I hate to see you so upset-"

"It's fine," he waved me off another time. "Let's just enjoy the rest of our overcooked fish."

 

* * *

 

"Where are you taking me?"

"I already put down the first payment," he displayed the key in his palm. "Come on."

"Wait, you bought a place already-"

"Yeah. Someone else was going to before me and it was too good to pass up."

"We're in the 11th Ward..."

"Don't worry," he shook his head. "It's a good neighborhood. And it's closer to the school. Might be farther from you, but...I'll take the train."

"Can't say I'm exactly brimming with confidence regarding your safety."

"Yes, well, I'll let you know if you need to stomp anyone's head into the ground," he smiled before exiting the car. I followed him outside and he took my hand, directing me towards the complex. It looked nice enough on the outside.

As we took the walk up to the building, I remained quiet. This was happening rather quickly. I was impressed. He was taking control of his life, finally realizing the power was in his hands all along. And he seemed intent on being with me, though I initially shared no expectations on that. I didn't think, didn't believe it would last. Now that it was, the reality of that was sinking in and I could feel my heart beating up against my chest.

"What's wrong?"

"You want the truth?"

"Yes."

"Can't say I ever pictured ourselves here. Together," I shook my head once I realized what I was saying. "Never mind."

"No. Continue," he tugged on my hand.

"All I wanted was for you to be healthy. I wanted to be close to you too, but...I'm not sure. I just can't say I saw myself being here with you. Not when we first met. I thought you'd take every opportunity to ignore me when you could."

"So did I," he glanced up at me as we walked. "To be honest, I didn't want to be in another relationship again. Not for a while. But you came along, and...well. I couldn't ignore you. You made it impossible, actually."

I chuckled, my hand tightening around his. "Sorry about that."

"Don't be. Come on."

We climbed the stairs and Ayato unlocked the door. I flicked the light switch once we were both inside. It was relatively vast inside, and I noted the lone piece of furniture in the living area.

"Go on, inspect for me. Tell me what you think," he went to go have a seat on the sofa.

It was a double bedroom and bath with tile floors and high, white ceilings. I poked around the kitchen and washer dryer, finding the utilities were in working order. It was nice for this Ward, nicer than anything I was expecting. There were a lot of large windows, though, set up against the skyline. The lights glimmered against their black backdrop. I walked over to one of them, setting my hands in my pockets.

"Very nice choice."

"Thank you," he responded from the couch.

"Where did that come from?" I looked over my shoulder. It was a large, L-shaped felt sofa. Black and soft to the touch.

"Last tenants left it here, couldn't move it."

"Ah," I turned my gaze back out towards the window. "You found this place on your own?"

"I did."

"Well, you continue to impress me, Ayato-kun. I'm happy for you."

"Here I was thinking you'd be happy for us."

"I am," I sighed. "I'm sorry. I was disoriented when I woke up this morning. I assumed the worst and...it's a pleasant surprise."

"Glad I didn't disappoint you this time," he muttered, his voice close now. I found his cool hands easing around my waist, pulling me in towards him. "I need you to help me break in this couch, anyway."

"Well, if you need my help..."

"I do."

Before I knew it I was flat on my back, Ayato's lips against my neck. He moved at a slow rate, his hand reaching for my belt as he tasted my skin. After he unbuckled it, he sat upward to remove his jacket. I did the same.

"Ah, A-Ayato-kun," I spoke up with his fingers lifting my shirt.

"Yes?"

"Um, do you want to? Or...do you think you-"

"I thought you'd never ask," a smile tugged at his lips.

"You could've asked..." I muttered.

"Well, I assumed you may not like it too much."

"Why...?"

"It's going to be pleasure and pain. Having only one is boring," he pressed his lips to the square of my jaw. "If you're interested."

"I am. I don't care. I want you."

"Good," he nearly whispered, taking my face in his left hand. Our lips met and for now, this was his only concern. His studded tongue traced my mouth, exploring until he found me. We melded and his hand squeezed, not letting up any time soon. I reached and sifted my fingers through his hair, pulling the tie. I felt enclosed in these soft black locks, forcing another kiss as I clung to his scalp. With a grunt he pushed me off of him, whispering for me to sit up thereafter.

Ayato tore open my shirt, easing it off my shoulders. With a moan he indulged in my skin, leaning in and licking the length of my neck. I shuddered from the soft sensation, before feeling his teeth tear in where my neck met my shoulders. I held his hair tight as he picked apart my skin.

"You're so resilient," he chuckled before pushing me back down. "That's good."

My neck sung with pain, causing me to clench my jaw and withstand. Ayato pressed his reddened lips against mine before moving down on my body. His fingers followed the muscles in my chest, arms, stomach. As he pressed a kiss to the center of my chest I felt his hand grip me through my pants. I moaned, shifting a bit. He pulled the belt from the loops, easing the rest of my clothes off. He held onto my belt as he lifted his shirt over his head.

"Bring your hands together."

"Oh," I pressed my lips into a hard line. I suppose I should've expected as much...if Ayato was in control what would he do? Be absolutely certain I was drained of any and all power. I did as he asked, bringing my wrists together. "Is this what you like?"

"Yes. I'm showing you. So take notes," he wrapped the leather around my hands, tightly winding until I couldn't budge. He secured the bindings and pulled to check its strength.

"I've never done anything like this before," I mumbled, watching as his hands moved up my thigh.

"I know," he smiled, taking me in his hand. Ayato gave me fast, steady strokes and held my gaze. Indecent midnight eyes scanned mine, his lips parting a bit as he watched me. I moaned from the touch, my muscles straining against the binds. His thumb rolled over the head, giving pressure to the tip. I groaned from the oversensitivity, hanging my head. In an instant he lifted me by my hair, placing his index and middle finger in my mouth. I sighed from the taste of precum, shuddering from the fleeing numbing sensation in my hips. He caressed my tongue, and I returned pressure. "So I'll make sure you're ready."

I was ready. In fact, I was pent-up. I was long past ready, and that was probably his intention.

When Ayato told me to lay back down and lift my arms over my head, I did so. I adjusted a bit, sinking into the furniture. He kissed me again, taking over my mouth as he ran his hand down my chest. He tugged on my nipple, eliciting another small moan from me. When he broke the kiss he moved downward, placing his lips across my stomach and navel. He reached my hips, his tongue following the bone. I held my breath as he grew closer to my cock, the very tease enough to make me shake.

"Don't think I've ever seen you this hard," he swirled the cool metal in his tongue around the head, drawing only on the tip. I moaned again, my elbows bending and my hips bucking. Being tied up like this was cruel. I wanted to run my fingers through his hair and grip onto his shoulder.

I watched him as he took more into his mouth, his fingers climbing up my torso. He strained a bit as he swallowed me, moaning into my skin. My teeth sunk into my lower lip as his nails sunk into my flesh, slicing what covered my rib cage. I cried out, the sudden heat of pain distracting me from the cooling pleasure. He licked me from base to tip, replacing his mouth with his hand.

"That was loud," he commented.

Like he was one to talk.

"Sorry..." I lowered my arms, now weak from holding them up.

"Sit up and open your mouth."

I did as he told me, lifting my body and hesitantly opening my mouth. He leaned in and traced the seam of my lips, pressing a kiss to my scar as he slid off his belt. Soon enough he was wrapping again. This time my mouth was stuffed with leather and I was unable to speak clearly, all words muffled and distorted. He refastened the buckle.

"Too tight?"

I shook my head no.

With a nod Ayato lifted my body, turning me so I was on my knees. My bound hands quickly caught the edge of the couch, my forearms holding me upright. I felt metal again, my moans stifled as my sensitivities were caressed.

"Fuck," he squeezed my skin, shuffling for something in his pocket. I heard a pop and soon was hit with another cool stroke, sleek and soft against my entrance. I continued to moan even though I was repressed. Every sound I made was distant to my ears, I could only rely on touch. His smooth skin against mine, fingers slipping inside of me. And once his fingers were replaced my body began to relax.

He groaned, his nails seeping into my skin yet again as he filled me. Right then he started, running his hand down my spine as he thrusted with fervor. I was growing more limp than I already was, the heat of him inside softening my edges. I moaned through the gag, my hands aching to be asunder. His hand tightened around the nape of my neck as he pressed deep, hitting the spot that made my knees go weak underneath me.

"You're tight, Ken..."

I told him to shut up and he understood, laughing at my response.

"What are you looking so modest for?" He repeated my words back to me. Not only that but he repeated my movements, pulling out almost entirely just to drive his cock back into me again. I suppose I taught him something that day, I was trembling from the weakening pleasure. Moans slipped from his mouth as well as he continued the act, striking the perfect spot slow enough that I wouldn't come but fast enough that I couldn't ignore it. And unlike him, I couldn't beg him to not tease me. Even if I could it would do me no good.

His hands returned to my waist as he moved, pulling me onto him and likely watching him disappear inside. Where as I had the taste of leather, the discomfort of my muscles. He left at a slow measure, sliding his cock against my entrance just to press inside again. Again and again he did this, leaving me to groan from the emptiness and curse from the tease.

And once he had his fill of my pants and cries, he pulled on my hair as he pounded into me. I moaned against the leather. Now it was failing at its job to keep me quiet.

Ayato pulled me upward by his grip on my hair, sinking his teeth into my neck as his hand slid down to my cock. Slick with precum, he pulled and bit at my skin until I was about to climax. My back arched and my hands tightened into fists.

Though I was on my back again before I could take a breath, my legs open as he entered me again. My arms were forced over my head, and I felt his fingers curl around my throat. With already so little oxygen, I grew lightheaded as he fucked into me. My teeth tore into the leather as I could feel heat pool in my stomach and head. I watched as Ayato licked his lips, his brow furrowing as he squeezed harder. With a small shock I felt myself unwind, the numbness in my face and hips all too present. Every muscle tensed as I came, my vision blurring white as I lost control over my voice. The pleasure radiated heat as I released my crying moans, water pricking my eyes. He must've came too, for he had already released my neck and I could feel his heat inside of me.

Ayato pressed a kiss to my forehead, reaching into his pocket again. He wiped me clean with tissues before he sat me up. With concentration he untied my hands, then unbuckled the gag. I released a sigh, looking at the ligatures on my wrist and feeling for the marks on my neck.

"Did you like-"

I pushed him down, forcing a kiss upon his unsuspecting lips.

"I didn't think you had that in you," I smirked, my limbs shaking still.

"Fuckhead," he brought his fingers together and flicked my nose. Although it was painful we both laughed and remained on the couch until we regained our lost energy. 

 

* * *

  

There was one more place he wanted to take me. It was already the next day according to the clock, the glimmering stars trapped in the black sky. Short cut grass and cold winds reminded me that I had been here before.

"Do you come here often?" I asked, placing my hands in my pockets.

Ayato sat with his legs crossed in front of the headstone, his hair dancing in the wind. Under the moonlight the scene was almost cinematic. I captured it in my mind even if it was somewhat morbid. He shook his head no in response to my question. "Haven't been here since the funeral."

"I come on her birthday. Sometimes I bring her spider lilies. She always liked those."

"I'll bet you were a good son. Quiet baby, well-behaved toddler."

"I'll bet you were the exact opposite."

We shared a chuckle before Ayato spoke up again. "Odd how we grow and we're shaped, formed by who our parents are and who they think we should be. She wanted me to be an artist because she could see that's what made me happy. I still want to please her. I think she'd be impressed with these past several months."

"I think so too."

"I can hear her behind every mistake I make. Every mistake I will make."

"I know what you mean. The things they teach you, it sticks. Sometimes it feels like it's all you have left," I sighed, my heart flooding with sudden emotion as I raked my hand through my hair.

"Do you think your mother would've liked me?"

"Yes," I answered with a smile. "You're a strong personality. A force to be reckoned with. It'd be impossible not to."

"I know she would've loved you," he shook his head. "After all, you are my finest achievement."

"Don't say that," I mumbled. "You've done so much for yourself."

"...and maybe one day it'll be enough," he glanced up to the moon, his hair flowing down his back. "I've brushed hands with death. On more than one occasion. I wasn't ready. I will never be ready until I know that you've forgiven me. I can't live like this for much longer."

Though his voice reduced to a whisper, his words were still audible. I went to touch him, tell him that everything was fine and as it should be. That I did forgive him, that I loved him. That one day this point in time would be a distant memory, and he would find his happiness. I stopped myself once I realized that those words were not meant for me.


	16. Yomo

"What are you listening to there?"

"The Smiths."

"Oh," I rolled onto my side.

"Want to listen?"

"Nah. I don't really like your music. That happy, indie, Mumford & Sons strummin' on our gee-tar in a field of wheat shit."

"That is not this," he laughed, already having convinced me. "Besides, Mumford sucks."

"That's the sexiest thing you've ever said to me," I sat up and took the headphones he was offering, placing them in my ears.

"You're so full of angst and misery...you'll love Morrissey."

I plucked his phone from his hands, restarting the current song. Though his voice wasn't my favorite, I found the guitar playing to be tender and the lyrics satisfying in a broader spectrum. But more than anything, it was the music I found to be relaxing. I've tried to shuffle his songs and listen to his preferences on more than one occasion. It was all too folk or too indie acoustic guitar. He even had some classical composers that I had never heard of. So all in all, his tastes were horrible. I did like the Shins, though, which I had first heard through him. I didn't plan on telling him that. I suppose the Smiths weren't too bad, either.

It was nice to sit back and realize that the biggest concern for my life right in that moment was to find the perfect string of sarcastic words to insult and compliment my boyfriend's tastes at the same time.

"Yeah," I shook my head. "This is really good."

"I know."

"I'd love to be less critical, but I've already made assumptions that your music is terrible because it is."

"Your music is terrible," he countered. "It's so angry. If I was in a good mood before listening to it I certainly wasn't afterwards. Besides, I saw you added the Shins on there."

"I don't know what you're talking about," I shrugged.

Kaneki pinned me back down against the pillows. "Sure you do. Admit it, you like happy music."

"Never."

"Are you certain?" He tilted his head a bit. "I can get it out of you, anyway."

"Doubtful," I gave my eyes a roll just to encourage him.

Within minutes he was rolling his hips hard enough that I forgot every other word but his name. He put on the Shins afterwards and we decided four in the morning was a good enough time to sleep.

 

* * *

 

It had been a little over a month since Halloween. I hadn't used since, and was unsure why I did in the first place. Well, I knew it was because of Uta. And the very sensation of being out of my body was appealing- but I didn't want to turn back into what I was. This lurking black hole, sucking the light and positivity from everything. Only because I was sober. If a drug makes you feel like complete shit when you're not using it, you probably shouldn't do it. I was sad enough without it, anyway. And although I was a matricidal fool, I didn't think that was an excuse. It was time to stop acting like a child.

Sure, I might've replaced heroin with Kaneki but that was perfectly fine, because I didn't get withdrawals. In fact, I loved to be rid of him when I could. He knew exactly how to get on my nerves. But with his knowledge of how to get me off, I found him more than useful. He let me smoke my weed in his apartment and draw him when I needed practice, fed me when I was hungry. No one had really taken care of me since my father, even after I killed my mother. I made sure to push everyone away just enough, to the point where they realized I wasn't a baby that needed coddling anymore. And I don't think he was babying me. He never did. He called me out on everything and called me everything. Junkie, brat, immature, everything short of whore. I was grateful, because now we were taking care of each other, like partners should do. It was nice to have that. Blissful, even. You don't give that up. Not to chase a high.

The next morning I went to Anteiku to visit him at work. I took a table as he tended to the other customers in the shop, looking rather busy. As I waited I was unfortunately bombarded by Urie, who was off the clock.

"Shouldn't you be with your boyfriend?"

"I am," he pointed at Kaneki with his eyes.

"Hah!" I slapped the table. "You retain your beautiful sense of humor."

It seemed Urie and I were capable of getting along. We eased into the next month of the year amicably, tired of throwing insults at each other. And since I had been coming to the shop more often, I figured it was only logical to try to limit my anger. Of course I'd never let Kaneki forget what Urie did or what he caused, but I'm sure that was completely expected of me. At this point Urie knew that badmouthing me to Kaneki was futile, and it would do him more harm than Kaneki good. It was a shame, too. Urie had always been hot and had a body to kill for. Had he not tried to snatch my boyfriend for himself with his greedy and impatient hands, I would've seriously considered a threesome.

"How's the admission going?"

Sometimes we talked about the art college, he gave me advice for the application since he did not get in. I still hadn't started it. But he told me I was extremely talented and could easily sell my artwork. Urie was quite skilled as well, I'd seen him sketching behind the counter before.

"Still haven't started it."

"Kaneki will graduate sooner than you think. Think he's gonna want to stay here forever?" Urie took a sip from the cup he brought over.

"I hate when you make valid points..." I grumbled. "I just want to enjoy the time I have with him now. He's on break, I'm nice and distracted. I don't want to think about admission essays."

"If you work hard, it'll pay off. That's all I'm gonna say."

"Too bad I hate to work hard."

"I know you don't want to stay here, either. Get it together, Ayato-kun."

"Hey guys," Kaneki approached our table, his hands folded behind his back. "You want something, Ayato-kun? Coffee? Cake? Tea-"

"Just coffee please," I smiled up at him. He nodded and walked off. Once he was far enough away I turned back to Urie. "I do have it together. Much more now than a month ago."

"Well, if you don't push yourself no one else is going to."

"I don't remember you signing up to be my new father," I snorted, folding my arms.

"Idiot. I'm only helping; you can't stay here forever. Go to school or get a job that isn't directly linked to your scary ex-boyfriend. Then you two can leave and I won't ever have to look at you again."

"Please," I leaned forward a bit, unconsciously smiling. "You love to look at me."

"No," he clarified with a smile of his own. "I don't."

"Here you are," Kaneki appeared rather suddenly to place my coffee down before me. Steam rolled upwards from the cup. "Urie, leave Ayato-kun alone. Just let him have his coffee."

"Thank you," I beamed, waiting for the beverage to cool down.

"Whatever, coconut cake," Urie mocked along with a roll of his eyes. "You should take my advice."

"What's he talking about?" Kaneki asked.

"Nothing. Nonsense," I flapped my wrist. "Get back to work. You're loitering."

As Kaneki walked away, Urie chuckled to himself. There was nothing to be amused about.

"For your information, I'm perfectly aware Kaneki's life is going to move along after he graduates. He probably has job offers already...I just didn't want to needlessly worry myself."

"Is it needless?" He sipped on his coffee. "Long as you don't hold him back."

Seems like something I would do, right? But I couldn't make decisions for him. If he went somewhere, I followed. Or vice versa. We had no control over it anymore. I had no intention of leaving his side, so maybe a different job would be a better. One that made him less uncomfortable. Hell, it was a place to start.

"I won't," I responded with certainty, picking up my coffee. Urie didn't say much after that.

I downed my drink, finding more porcelain at the end of the cup and nothing else. Urie was just psyching me out. There was really nothing to worry about, that was just the way he lived his life. Over analytic and trying to be the best at everything- fuck that. I had exactly what I wanted from the beginning without having to do much changing myself. He loved me for who I was, sour personality and lethargy included. So I set down my cup and Kaneki came to collect the dishes.

"I should probably head in now," I informed him once he was near.

"Are you going to take the train?"

"Of course," I nodded.

"Alright. Then I'll see you at home."

"Yes you will," I took his hand and rose from the table before pressing a soft kiss to his lips. I peered over my shoulder suggestively. "You can come home too, Kuki."

"Ayato-kun," Kaneki hissed for my attention, only to give me his classic 'please act appropriately in public' look.

"What a charming offer. I'll make sure to get there before you do," Urie hid a smile.

Maybe I should've stabbed him.

 

* * *

  

I headed to the train station that carried me to the 4th Ward. I was thankful for the train, that I didn't have to drive. I arrived at the shop on the dot.

The tattoo parlor was larger than it looked. It had high yellow walls plastered with posters and other artwork. There were five separate stations for each artist Uta had working there. Though it was small, there was also an open second floor, a place to smoke and listen to music and just relax. I used to hang out here with Uta every day, and every time I walked inside I was more uncomfortable than the last. But that was more than easy to ignore, money outweighed my desire for anything else. Well, except one thing.

"Good. You're here," Uta greeted me from behind the reception desk. "Sorry for calling you in."

"Not a problem, boss."

I usually worked from home and sent my designs in. But he probably needed help organizing a client book or counting and sorting money. The kind of stuff he used to never let me help with when we were dating, even though I wanted to as badly as I could remember. Though that was a main part of the attraction for me. The drugs, the danger, the dealer. Now I was stuck with him counting his drug money but it could've been worse.

"What do you need?"

"Come," Uta walked past the artists, each with their own customer. He headed into his office for a moment and came out with a box and a small book. "I want you to set up my new phone. You know I'm useless with technology."

"I'm not your assistant, you know," I pouted, taking the new phone and book from his hands. I really didn't mind. He paid me extra for shit like this.

"There are plenty of numbers in there that need to be blocked. I marked them."

"Aye, aye," I confirmed, flipping through the phone book. Like this could be any more boring.

"Thanks, dear," he touched my hair before walking off.

I went behind the reception desk to receive a pen. I peered up for a moment, something unidentifiable catching my eye. It was stuck to the bottom of the second floor, blinking a red light. I thought it was a smoke detector.

"...Uta," I ran over to him by his station. "That looks like-"

The sound was...immense. It sounded exactly what I thought it would sound like, metal tearing through metal and immolating everything else. I felt incinerated for the moment where I was knocked clean off my feet. Blinded and incapacitated in nearly every way, I thought maybe it was a dream. But the pain was real, so were the screams. I knew it was real because the same terror set in my heart when I opened my eyes. Half the shop had been torn down, the upstairs area falling into the ground where the reception desk was. The couch and table had fallen, shelves as well littering the floor with broken glass. There were collections of fire unnaturally placed, orange flames licking at the air and walls. That smell of burnt rubber. The sight of corpses, broken and bloody and eyes bulging. The human body folded in ways you can't even imagine. Three were dead. I could only see the girl who was getting tattooed, her head twisted up by her legs, shoved underneath what looked like mountains of wood and metal.

For a second I thought maybe I did this, maybe this was my fault. When I woke in a situation like this that was usually the case. Always stuck in my head, even when my life was slipping through my fingers.

"...ato. Ayato. Can you hear me?"

"Yes. Yeah," I shook my head, though I really only heard fire roaring and weakening shrieks. I was on my back, lifting myself up a bit to see Uta. Aside from a fresh cut on his cheek, he was unscathed. "What happened-"

"Don't move too much. Don't move at all, actually," Uta told me, moving aside.

Behind him I could see my left leg had been crushed underneath a fair amount of rubble, its heaviest area on my foot. Strangely enough there was no pain, only pressure.

"My Doc Martens," I frowned at the thought of my expensive boots destroyed and splintered. That's when I tried to pull my foot out and I could feel the bones pulling, joints loosening and slipping like a plug from a socket. Then there was pain.

"D-Don't worry, Ayato. I'll get you out."

For once Uta sounded anxious and unsure, grunting as he pushed and pulled debris off of my body. It wasn't heavy enough to keep him from moving it, but it was heavy enough that it had turned my foot into a blood slushy, red spilling from fresh holes in the leather. I'd never seen that much blood, not even at the accident. I was cut up my calf as well, bone showing through torn skin and torn denim. Now that I was looking at it I felt the pain. I could feel that there was hardly any sensation left in my foot, just a throbbing mess.

"Fuck!" I shouted, rattling all the organs in my chest and masking anyone else's cry for help. "What the _fuck_ is happening?!"

"I have someone that can help you," Uta reassured me before looking around the now-obliterated shop. "Fuck, we have to go."

"Who did this," I latched on to his arm, blood slicking my grip.

"Don't talk too much, Ayato, you have next to no blood left," he scooped me up from the ground.

"I feel fine," I looked to my left foot and then the corpses, watching them grow smaller as Uta began to take steps away from the shop. "They're dead..."

"Yeah."

"What about the others-"

"Help will come."

He carried me outside, where it proved to be more desolate than usual. Would help come? It looked as if no one heard the bomb go off, even though the building was in shreds.

Uta placed me in the backseat of his car and took off.

 

* * *

 

It was cold. Or no...warm. I was warm but on something cold. My leg felt like it was aflame, my heart beating weakly in my chest. I opened my eyes to harsh fluorescents, a man with blood-stained gloves who was working and not speaking. But there I had a clear view of my leg, and what had been hidden inside the boot.

"M-My foot, that's my foot. _Fuck,_ " I writhed a bit, feeling the pain spread over exposed flesh. My skin had been pulled clean off, tendon and muscle in pieces hanging off my foot. It was clear of skin up to my ankle, where it had turned into scratches and burns. My eyes stung with tears, thinking of how close I was to death again. Maybe I wasn't meant to live.

"Lay back down," a cool voice demanded.

"Just stop," I tried to shake them off. "Let me bleed."

"Don't be moronic," they hissed, adjusting the light. "I'll give you something for the pain."

"I'm an addict," I told them. "You can't."

"I can and will. You can't be awake for this, junkie or not," the man shuffled away and retrieved a needle. I could feel my hair sticking to my neck, my skin sticking to the table. Nothing existed right now except for me in this room with this man and his needle. It might've been morphine.

"I think I was supposed to die."

"It's obvious who the bomb was for. Uta said you would be a little deliriously self-centered."

"No," I shook my head once I felt a coolness spread at the injection site. "I was in a car accident. I've taken enough heroin to kill a horse."

"I'm surprised you even have the energy to speak..."

"And now this...?"

"I can leave you like this. Your foot will become infected and will eventually eat its way through your body. Or maybe blood loss. We can see which one kills you first. Is that what you want?"

"No," my eyes slipped shut, a numbness washing over me in a relieving wave.

"You were never meant to die."

"You said you were going to leave me like this."

"Right," he chuckled. "Uta would have my head."

When I woke up again the pain in my leg was significantly duller. In fact, I felt dull myself. I shuffled against the table, opening my eyes to search for anything recognizable. But there was nothing in the room except for a creeping darkness. Just then a door from behind me opened and shut, a light flickering on. It was just a medical room, complete with tools and a table and a...patient. The man from before appeared at my side again. He had silver hair tied back and off of his face, which was much sterner than his voice. He came to check the cast. My leg had been wrapped in gauze from my knee down, though the whole side felt weak. My foot was inside one of those black cast boots you sometimes see people walking around in. But I couldn't feel my foot. I still felt hazy from the drugs and loss of blood, but nothing too severe.

"How are you feeling?"

"Fine..."

"If anything feels off it's important that you tell me," our eyes met and I nodded.

"Just a bit of nausea."

"Right," he rubbed his hand over his stubbled cheek. "Well, it's probably time to-"

"Before anything else," I lifted my hand, blood and dirt still caked under my nails. "Tell me who you are and what happened. Everything that you know."

The man's face flattened, and I could see he wasn't interested in having a sit-and-chat. Still, he played along. "Yomo Renji. Though I suppose it's Yomo-san to you. I've worked with Uta since I was a teenager. I know all about you, Kirishima-kun. I'm a doctor and that's all you need to know. You were in an explosion caused by a homemade sticky bomb placed in the tattoo parlor front."

"Yomo-san," I repeated before bowing my head. "Thank you for dressing my leg."

"You're welcome. It was pretty vile. Been some time since I've seen anything that disgusting," there was a ghost of a smile on his lips as he folded his arms over his broad chest.

"Well...you're welcome. Now, will you tell me why this happened?"

"It's not really any of your business."

"How could you say that?!" I snapped, looking and gesturing to my leg. "Look at this shit! Whoever did this is getting their asses beat into oblivion."

"It's not about you, Kirishima-kun," he told me. "And it'd be wise to not get involved. I'll take you home now."

"I don't need to fucking listen to you," I spat, turning from the table and hopping off. Though I tried to keep my weight on my right leg, my left one folded under the pressure and I was brought to my knees in an embarrassing tumble. Yomo pulled me up by my arm.

"You're my patient, so yeah, you will fucking listen. Here," after letting my arm go he shoved an old cane into my hand. It was a thick metal rod, garnished at the head with a gold sphere. I used it to hold my weight with ease. "You'll need that for a while. I gave you the boot because you'll need it eventually, and it should do its job of holding your bones together."

"Fucking A," I shook my head. "Had to be my foot."

"Uta only dropped you off. He told us to go meet him at a friend of ours. I told him I'd take you home if you wanted."

"You're a nice man, Yomo-san."

"No, I'm really not-"

"But I'm not going to let this little bruise stop me. It's personal now," my teeth ground, my grip tightening on the cane.

"Say you do find the person who injured you. What would you do, Kirishima-kun? Kill them?"

"You said you know all about me."

"I do."

"Then you know it wouldn't be my first."

"I know you were in a horrible accident that sent you spiraling downward. You're not a murderer. Go home, Ayato."

"I'd beat people to the edge of death. Purposely. It's a scary place," I shrugged off his words, not even considering their value for a moment. I hobbled to the door he emerged from. "Let's go."

 

* * *

 

Ayato wasn't there when I went home to change. I figured he was busy and it was best to leave him be, it always was when he was in that state. Besides, Shuu invited me out for drinks. I sent him a text that I'd be home late and possibly drunk.

"You'd think because it's freezing outside they'd turn up the heat inside..."

"I think it's kind of nice. You're not exactly dressed for cold, Tsukiyama-san," I chuckled. He had brought me to an upscale bar just outside of the 20th Ward. I wore simplistic clothes that were certain to impress his eye. A white pinstripe button-down with black slacks and my Oxfords. I had a black coat as well to shield me from the cold, but I enjoyed it more than the rest. I didn't even really need it. Whereas Tsukiyama certainly did. He wore a button-down as well, vermilion in shade and thin in fabric. Nearly translucent. With that he had his beige coat and gloves from Jean Paul Gaultier, likely wearing loafers that could pay my rent. I bought my shoes at a goodwill. But we already spent our first twenty minutes talking about my outfit.

"It's a nice enough place, it's the least they could do," he frowned, taking a sip of his Long Island Iced Tea. That's the only reason he picked this bar, the way they mixed this specific drink. He described it as intoxicatingly delicious but I only found it nauseating. I had a whiskey sour, drinking it slowly.

I looked about the bar. Sheer blue lights hung from the ceiling, the bartenders pressed and powdered. There was soft music playing with a respectable amount of noise, the place itself not large at all. But of course Shuu knew of all the classy locations I didn't even know existed.

"So, I'm sure you didn't just invite me out to discuss the weather and my ability to buy fashionable clothes at a discounted price."

"No, I did not," he smiled in my direction. "I hope I didn't take you from anything too important, Kaneki-kun. How is Ayato-kun?"

"He's good," I nodded. "We're great."

"Glad to hear it," he took another long sip from the straw. "I think it's fabulous that you were able to help him."

"Pretty much everyone knows about that, huh?" I scratched underneath my hair.

"Some of his friends have no filter whatsoever. I've never seen anything like it," he rolled his eyes. "But I didn't bring you here to talk about Ayato-kun. I wanted to talk about you."

"Not so often I hear those words," I took a gulp of my drink.

"I know," he grinned, turning in his stool to face me. "I have a proposal for you."

"I'm listening."

"Well, you know my father's news magazine," Shuu set down his drink.

His luxurious lifestyle was thanks to none other than his father. Mirumo was a kind and well-adjusted man, traits that he had passed onto his son. He did in fact have a global magazine, Rose Weekly. It was a news magazine, pertaining to events occurring in the Wards and other parts of Japan, along with segments added by other members of the family. Tsukiyama's was about fashion, and he had told me it was becoming more popular in other places of the world.

"The Rose Weekly," I nodded.

"My four-page spread is becoming wildly popular, so my father suggested I start my own magazine, just for fashion."

"That's great! You must be so excited."

"I am," his smile faded. "But I'm going to need help. With grad school and the parties I constantly host, I'm going to need the help of someone I trust and someone who's intelligent."

"Should I presume you're talking about me?" I placed my drink down as well.

"Of course. I want you to be my editor-in-chief."

"Shuu-" my mouth hung open. "I don't know anything about running a magazine...a fashion one, at that-"

"You'll do amazing, I know you will. You'll get to gloss over the mistakes everyone else has made and fix them. I know it may not be the most exciting thing for you, but think about it! It's an opportunity to meet other people interested in journalism and literature. Who knows, maybe one day you'll be the editor for Time," he chuckled, retrieving his drink to take another sip.

"You must have someone more qualified for this," I shook my head.

"Not at all. I only want people I know working with me for now. This needs to start off small. I thought you'd appreciate the experience and a paycheck," he shrugged.

"Oh! No, I'm very grateful, Tsukiyama-san, thank you," I lowered my head, embarrassed now. "It's just...surprising."

"There's another thing."

"What is it?" I looked up.

"I want this to be based in New York. I plan on moving there after I graduate," he bit once on his straw. "So, should you choose to accept, you'd be coming with me to America. I already know you know the language."

"Wow," I exhaled, allowing the information to seep in. "Tsukiyama-san, thank you for considering me. I'm not even sure what to say..."

"Say yes," his eyes widened with excitement. "We'd have so much fun together. And Ayato-kun would love New York! You have to bring him."

"I-I can't ask him to drop everything-"

"It's fine, you have time to think about it," he hummed. "It won't be for a while, but I'm giving you an opportunity to start from the ground floor. And if this takes off, which it will, you'll be set for life. Think of all the gifts you could buy your beautiful boyfriend."

I glanced down to the ring on my right hand. I twisted it a few times. It would be ideal to provide Ayato with a home, or anything he's ever wanted. But it somehow felt selfish to ask him to leave his family, his home, just to follow me. And I was only following a job. A job I was already certain I wanted.

"Thank you," I repeated, squeezing my ring. "I will give it serious consideration."

"Excellent," he gave my shoulder a soft pat.

"I don't know anything about fashion," I mumbled, downing the rest of my drink. "Ayato-kun likes to remind me of that."

"He has quite the eye. His style is amazing. Every time I ask him where he bought something he says the same thing. 'The dumpster.' Even though I've seen him wearing Doc Martens and I know he knows designers. Which is why I know he'll love New York," Tsukiyama paused, chewing on his straw. "But you're not completely hopeless, Kaneki-kun. Don't worry, when we go to New York I'll take you shopping. Even if you don't take the job, I want to spoil you."

"Why?" I laughed, shaking my head.

"Because you're you."

"You just like to dress me up," I frowned.

"That too," he smiled, finishing his drink. He waved the bartender over for the next round. We had our next set of drinks and then the next. Eventually his attention was taken by the 20-inch plasma that hung over the bar. The news was showing the aftermath of an explosion made by a homemade bomb.

"Almost anyone can make a bomb," I shrugged, watching my drink's level lower. "It's not that difficult."

"Three people dead, huh?" Shuu shook his head, looking away. "Others are missing."

"Where was this?" I glanced to the screen but they had already moved on to a new story about a rescue dog.

"Dunno. Only caught the end. The 1st Ward maybe?"

"Those people must have been terrified...I hope the missing ones are okay."

"I'll drink to that."

 

* * *

 

"No. No smoking in here," Yomo plucked the cigarette from my bruised hands.

"C'mon, it's a fucking miracle on its own that my pack even survived."

He didn't respond, only kept his eyes on the road.

"Guess you're the strong silent type."

"Guess you're done being quiet..."

"Yes, I am. I'll have plenty of time to be quiet when I'm dead," I took the cigarette and placed it back into the box. "How much longer?"

"Under twenty minutes."

I groaned, unable to move much with my injured leg. I reached for the radio only to realize there wasn't one installed. I clicked my teeth. Outside fell December snow, beginning to collect on the roads and buildings in a white mass. Its contrast was great against the darkening sky. "Do you like this weather, Ren?"

"Yomo to you."

"Right, right, Homo-san."

"What did you say?" His head snapped to me, though his eyes remained on the road. I haven't met someone so uptight since Kaneki. Such fun they were to poke at.

"Nothing, sensei," I mumbled, resisting a laugh.

"Why can't you just sit there and shut up?"

"Because my leg hurts and I need distraction," I whined. It wasn't not true...my leg only hissed a small discomfort, like an occasional itch or ache.

Yomo sighed, looking to me with disdain as we came to a halt at a red light. I smiled at him briefly and he shook his head before gesturing to my pocket. "Smoke up, kid."

I suppose anything was better than carrying a conversation with me. I lit my victory cigarette and it was likely the most enjoyable one I've had to date.

Eventually we stopped in a classy neighborhood in the 13th Ward. I opened the car door and eased myself out into the snow. It's bite was cold but I shook it off, thankful for its numbing qualities. I followed Yomo to the apartments. He cursed immediately once he realized there were stairs.

"Up," I grinned at him, holding my arms open.

"You almost lose a leg and you're the happiest fucker I've ever seen," he picked me up with minimal effort, carrying me like a bride up the stairs. I sighed and held onto my cane.

"It's not usually like this. I guess I thought about what you said," I twisted the ring on my right finger. "I wasn't supposed to die. I have someone who loves me and I intend on returning to him."

"No wonder you're so bent on coming, then."

"Not Uta," I exclaimed. "In fact, I was considering punching him in the dick once we meet up. Who knows if I'll ever walk normally again."

"You will," Yomo set me down gently at the end of his climb. "It'll just take some time."

Once we reached the apartment, Yomo gave the door a knock. A few seconds passed before the door opened, Uta standing behind it. He let us in quickly.

"Where's Itori?" Yomo asked immediately.

"I don't know. She's not here," Uta responded, shaking his head.

"Will you tell me who blew up the shop, now?"

"Are you alright? Is he hurt?" He pulled me into a hug. I was starting to realize that Uta cared more about me than I thought.

"He's fine, except for being a literal ball and chain at this point."

"Ayato-chan, come sit," Uta took my hand in his and led me to a long white couch. I sat down, wincing as my leg bent. "You won't like what you're about to hear."

"As long as it's not another explosion, that's fine."

"Yomo, Itori and I are being hunted down. The explosion was only a distraction for the police and to gain my attention. I wasn't even supposed to be in there today..."

"Why are you being hunted? What did you do?"

"I didn't even know he was being released this early," Yomo stared at the ground.

"Territory is always owned and it always has been," Uta explained, letting go of my hand and standing to his feet. "I'm paying for a mistake I made years ago. You're not supposed to be here, but I could never control you."

"So this is about drugs?"

"No," Yomo answered. "And yes."

"Territory, huh..." There was a reason I never got involved with Uta's business. My leg only reminded me of that. "Can't say I'm surprised you fucked up in some way. I want to help, but I also don't want to die. I guess I'll hop on home-"

The door unlocked, and in an instant both men had loaded guns on their target. The sight of the weapons startled me, and I was beginning to recognize the severity of the situation. I had to get the fuck out of here...I was glad Uta and I had become friends once again and I wanted revenge for my fucked up leg, but I had no means to defend myself. Yomo was right. I was only a thorn in their side.

"Itori?" Yomo's gun lowered once they saw their friend behind the door. But the body collapsed forward, revealing a small knife lodged in the back of the redhead's skull.

Uta didn't move or say anything. He only lowered his gun, swallowing as sweat beaded down his neck. Yomo tucked away his weapon before reaching his hand into his boot and retreating another gun, one like they were carrying. He tossed it to Uta before bringing his hands together for a prayer and tending to the body.

"Do you know how to use this?"

"N-No," I shook my head when I was presented with the gun.

"Now's a good a time as any."


	17. Arima

"Tch..."

"Are you alright?"

"There's a few tricky ones," I mumbled. "Won't seem to heal."

Every time I made a cut it would be deeper than the last. Long strokes across my wrist, I enjoyed seeing red. But nothing was red now. It was white or pink or translucent, just a reminder that at one point I was weak enough, hurting enough to result to this. I didn't like the scars. They were ugly.

"Some of them will scar," Kaneki responded, always good at pointing out the obvious. "But it doesn't look bad."

"How could you even say that?" I looked back to the mirror, skimming my scarred hands over my scarred arms.

"You know, I thought even talking to you would be a futile attempt. You're very intimidating."

"I guess I'm not the most approachable."

"Maybe not," his voice softened and he stepped behind me. He took my arm, running his thumb over my afflicted skin. "And you won't always be so pretty, either."

"Are you trying to help or not?" I attempted to pull my arm away from him, but he only tightened his grasp.

"Everyone has their scars."

He lifted his bangs, exposing his forehead. Across his left temple, right above his brow there was a faded scar. It was relatively long and ragged, he had been cut deep. I was surprised I hadn't seen it before, his hair was always concealing it.

"How'd you get that?"

"My mother threw a coffee mug at me."

"What?" My voice raised. "On purpose?"

"And everyone has the moments they want to forget," he smoothed his hair back down. "But it doesn't define you. Your weakness doesn't define you."

He was aware that was the only way I could perceive my actions. I hung my head, feeling the raw punch of emotional overdrive. Tears fell from my eyes, and Kaneki held onto me. He wrapped his arms around my shoulders and I grasped them, not wanting to let go.

"I am weak. Just a sack of blood walking around with no purpose."

"None of us have a fucking purpose as far as I'm concerned. I see no bigger picture. I never did. But that's fine, because being with you feels like I'm actually spending my time instead of wasting it."

Kaneki always seemed to know what to say, the bastard. He was like my whisperer, the only person who could reach me after I was long gone.

"Like I said, you won't have your looks forever. Eventually everything will sag and then it won't matter, right?"

I couldn't help but laugh. "Yeah. I suppose that's not a bad way of looking at it. At least I have someone to be saggy with."

"You do?"

"I am going to murder you."

He pressed a kiss to my shoulder, then my neck. He left a trail, his lips a warm whisper. "You don't have to feel ashamed."

And I wasn't. Not with him. There was never a moment when I thought I had to edit myself for him, he never wanted that. He wanted to love me wholly, the good and the bad. I wanted to do the same. And in all reality, I was undeserving of him. I was everything he wasn't, and sometimes I thought I should let him go. That somehow, down the line, I would end up hurting him more than he ever imagined. Of course, those thoughts were easy to ignore when everything I wanted was right in front of me. I cried again, but I was happy. I don't think he could spot the difference.

"Don't worry," his hand slid up my arm. "You're safe."

 

* * *

 

"Ay? Are you awake?"

"Yeah..." It took me a few moments to snap out of my recollection. "Yeah, I'm awake."

"We should've left him at Itori's," Yomo mumbled in the passenger seat.

"It's better to be on the move," Uta's hands gripped the steering wheel tighter. "We don't know if they would come back."

"What I do know is that he's not interested in your underage ex-boyfriend."

"Excuse me, I am an adult," I spoke from the backseat.

"And I'm the Prime Minister," Yomo retorted, not bothering to look in my direction.

"I'm actually not so sure of that, Ren," Uta continued. "Which is the only reason I agreed to let him follow."

"I wasn't given much of a choice at that point..." I crossed my arms over my chest.

"I say we take him back to his boyfriend. Let Ken deal with him."

"No, no, I won't have that," I spoke again. "It's too late...they already know I'm with you. I won't put him in danger, too."

Both of the men sighed, collectively exhaling with exhaustion. I already knew Yomo had grown tired at the sound of my voice, so I stayed quiet until we reached our destination. We drove long enough until it was nighttime. Under the new moon nothing was visible but the road ahead of us. I didn't bother to ask where we were going. I didn't even question them when we passed through four different Wards. It seemed pointless, I knew I wouldn't get the answers I was looking for.

So we drove along the icy roads, eventually stopping at a large lake that had yet to be frozen over by the December weather. Uta pulled over a few meters away, Yomo unbuckling his seatbelt.

"Come on."

Without word, I followed. Well, I awkwardly shimmied out of the car, putting my injured leg down first and pushing myself out. Amazingly I didn't flop to the ground and fall on my face. I met Yomo at the trunk, retrieving the corpse of his friend- wrapped in a body bag. I swallowed against my throat, the sight of him lifting the bag over his shoulder reminding me that this was all very real.

He carried the body to the lake, and I hobbled along his side.

"Honestly, this isn't a good place to-"

"We want her to be found," he silenced me as we approached the awning. "Just not so close to us."

Yomo eased the bag back around, dropping it into the water with no strain. The black water swallowed the body, bobbing down into the darkness.

"I'm sorry about your friend."

"It's fine," he responded in his usual monotone. I pressed my lips together at his uninterested response, reaching for my pack of cigarettes. "Uta told me to tell you the short version of the story."

"Oh?" I sparked up, sliding my lighter back into my pocket.

"Listen up. Because I won't speak of it again."

I made eye contact with the man, lowering my cigarette and giving him my full attention.

"Let me start by saying this isn't a fucking game. This guy is a hired gun. He'd kill your grandma and wouldn't think twice about it."

"I thought this was about territory."

"It is and isn't...it's more convenient to say it's for territory. But really, this is old and bad blood."

"Get on with it, Yomo-san. It's freezing out here," I watched my visible breath, more concerned with my nipples falling off than this actual life or death situation.

"He used to be a detective. Narcotics. Ironic, huh? I guess eventually all cops find out you can be making a lot more money on the other side. But for him, I don't think it had anything to do with the money. It was about the rush, the fixation on danger and adrenaline. He found it. He became a dealer with control over every Ward, what was coming in and what was coming out. For a long time he was all there was to offer. Uta showed up and that was that. Immediate rivalry," Yomo leaned against the railing, glancing up at the dark sky. "Uta didn't want competition, so he made a sacrifice. Lower prices. They kept getting lower and lower until he couldn't compete anymore. Uta had taken away his livelihood without having to leave his bed. So, him and his crew went to take care of the problem. But they were just kids back then, hot-headed with no real plan. They both were arrested but he was kept on for assault with a deadly weapon. Six years. Tried to smash his skull in with a tire iron."

"I remember trying to do something similar to Uta with a hair dryer."

Yomo just gave me another dead-eyed glare. I guess he wasn't in the jesting mood today.

"Okay...I understand. It sounds like this other guy needs to die."

"Jesus," he covered his face, shaking his head in discontentment. "Didn't you hear me? In prison he's become a hired killer, taking jobs on the inside. He also still found ways to sell drugs in there. I'm almost certain a bullet wouldn't kill him."

"He bleeds red like the rest of us," I snarled, feeling the gun in my waistband grow heavier. "What's the plan, then? Run forever?"

"No. You were right. He needs to die. But it's not gonna be you."

"You know, if I was still addicted to heroin and sucking Uta's dick I might've tried to argue with you. But you're right. Because now I'm just a cripple with a gun," I glanced to my foot. "I don't want to hurt anyone. Not again. I just want to get back to Kaneki."

"You'll be home soon, kid."

I glanced to my cigarette, which had collected a long line of ash and had snuffed itself out halfway. I flicked the poison into the snow, crushing it underfoot. After a few minutes in the cold Yomo walked me back to the car. Somehow I had gotten caught in the middle of this old man pissing contest. I was angry about my foot, the shop- I wanted to pay the person who hurt me back. But I was starting to realize that wasn't going to happen for me, and an attempt could easily mean my death. It didn't matter anymore. Some things...were worth letting go.

So we drove again. The snow started to fall heavier, the air grew even drier and colder than before. It was then we decided it was probably okay to drive back to the 20th Ward, if just to drop me off. I'd have plenty of explaining to do for Kaneki and my foot and why I hadn't been answering his calls.

On the way one of the tires seemingly popped, flat now with air leaking from the rubber. Still on the empty road, Yomo offered to fix it himself. The two men exited the car while I stayed inside with my injury. I sat there, shaking with anxiety and hummed The Smiths to myself. Wiping the cold condensation off the window, I wondered if I would ever make it back. It seems like days had passed since I was in the explosion. I'm certain the morphine I had before was fucking with me now.

Light caught my eye in the rear view mirror, another vehicle approaching. My heart seized at the conclusion that this was probably the person they were so sought after. If I stayed in the car and minded my own business, I'd be left alone. Right?

It was a difficult scene to watch through the mirror and fogged window. Still, my eyes followed. Three figures exited the car with their weapons, one significantly taller than the other two.

"Uta-san."

These voices were soft spoken, much too quiet for me to listen where I was. Until it grew silent, quickly. I ducked once I heard footsteps, folding my body as if that made me invisible.

"Someone's in here," a female voice called, blurry beyond the window. I still didn't move. I held my breath.

As I watched the handle open I pushed myself up and desperately tried to crawl to the driver's seat, the keys still in the ignition. It was a struggle with my body, my foot crippling under any weight.

The sound of a gun being cocked scared me still.

"Get out," the woman commanded.

I made the choice to reach for the steering wheel, caught between the two front seats in an unfavorable position.

"No!" I shouted as I was pulled by my right foot. This woman yanked me out of the car until I was on my knees on the pavement. I tried to push myself up to no avail. My foot felt even worse than before, as if more skin had broke. I had to clench my teeth, silent tears rolling down my cheeks.

"Stand up."

I looked up at the woman. She had languid eyes, short pale pink hair and a glock pointed between my eyes.

Would I be fast enough to pull out my gun and shoot her down? No...there was still two more of them. And unfortunately, I cared if either Uta or Yomo would get hurt.

"Can't you see my foot is broken?"

"Fine," she gave a brief smile and tangled her fingers in my hair, pulling me to her boss.

"You fucking bitch," I tried to claw her hand away, a useless attempt. My foot dragged along the gravel painfully, tears still staining my face as I swatted at the woman. "Lay off!"

In an instant she tossed me to the ground. I caught myself by my hands, pushing up to my forearms.

"Who is this?" The voice was clear and calm. As if none of this really interested him.

This man was much taller than the rest of us. So on the ground he towered over me, drenched in red light from the brakes of the car. Him, like the rest of his party, wore complete black suits. He had frames as well, and white hair with features that were softer than you'd expect. I found myself staring because he looked more like Kaneki than I was comfortable with. I cleared my throat before answering.

"Are you the one who planted a bomb in the shop?" I asked from the ground.

"Yes," he didn't flinch.

He knew there would be innocent civilians inside, he just simply didn't care. He wanted his revenge on Uta, and nothing else it would seem.

"My name is Kirishima," I told him.

"Why are you with these men, Kirishima?"

At first I couldn't give him an answer. I had wanted to help, only now with more information about my opponent I wasn't interested.

"They were giving me a ride home."

"Just let him go," Uta spoke from behind me. "He has nothing to do with this."

"A friend of yours, then," the man frowned. "That's fine."

Metal was cold and coaxing. Pressed against my skull I was reminded that this was not the time to be weak. Though steady tears flowed I held my stare with the man, looking past the weapon and straight into his dull eyes. His brow pinched for a minute, as if confused by my underwhelming response. He corralled his thoughts before smiling slightly.

"You're different."

"More so than I want to be."

"Hm," his smile disappeared. "Sad. This was meant to be an execution of two. I see no other option."

Each of us had a gun. Were they not going to act? Were they going to wait until bullets were lodged into their brains to make a fucking move?

"Wait," my voice faded into a whimper. The tears were a good distraction, as they didn't notice me removing the gun from my pants. I aimed it in front of me and pulled the trigger, the recoil knocking me back a bit. It happened in a flash of red, over before it even started. I must've got him.

"Oh, wow," the woman exclaimed.

He was standing still...a bullet hole torn through his suit right over his heart. I felt my body weaken with disbelief.

"He's a good shot," his other lackey commented as he reached into his jacket and pulled the clean bullet from what must've been Kevlar.

I wanted to scream and turn the gun on myself, pull the trigger. Instead I held it still, trembling in my hand as I realized I probably made the worst mistake of my life, worse than making that left turn.

Soon my hand was pinned down under his foot, the gun skidded across the road as my skin ripped and bled. The snow turned red as he ground my hand with the heel of his shoe.

Well...it was better than nothing, right? At least I had tried. I hung my head and waited.

"Ever seen balls on a kid like that?" The woman snorted. "Let me kill him."

"No," he lifted his foot.

"Arima-san-"

"I have the perfect use for him."

The sound of that caused my eyes to widen. I covered my face with my non-bleeding hand, catching my breath for a short moment.

"You're not taking him anywhere," Uta threatened, but it sounded hollow. If it was ever between me or him, Uta would sell me out in a heartbeat. That much I knew.

"But I am," Arima continued, looking between the men. "Funny...I'm actually in more need of Kirishima here than killing you two."

"Or we could just kill them and take the boy," the pink-haired woman shrugged.

"No..." His lips pursed. "I enjoyed chasing them down. I wouldn't mind doing it again."

"Fuck," I whispered to myself, my limbs growing numb in the snow.

"Go on, Ui."

"No, no, _fuck_ that," I put my hand up as his subordinate approached me. "I'm not going anywhere with you! You can kill me first I don't give a fuck. I'm not-"

There was a sharp pain that slapped me across the face. The butt of his pistol, I could feel the tears water down my blood as I fell back into the snow. Then it was dark, and I was grateful.

 

* * *

 

At least I wasn't cold anymore. I woke up in pitch black darkness, tucked into a bed. In fact, I was hot. Sweating. I pushed the covers off of me and quickly sat up.

" _Hey!_ " I screamed at the top of my lungs. "Let me out of here!"

I heard the click of a lock, light pouring in from the doorway. It was Arima. He flicked on the light switch and shut the door behind him. This room looked like it belonged in an asylum, tall white walls and white tile floors and white countertops. Straps even hung from the bed.

"Fuck," I attempted to scoot out of the bed, but only ended up falling forward onto the floor, landing on my already bruised face. I yelled again, finding the scream to help cancel out the pain. More silent, angry tears began to flow.

Without word Arima lifted me easily by my waist, setting me back down on the bed. I didn't bother to protest.

"Are you ready?"

"Ready for what? No. Fuck you," I looked away from him, turning towards the wall.

"I'll only need you for a few days. There's something I need to test."

"Do I look like a guinea pig to you?"

"I understand you're all shaken up," he nodded. "But I'll be fair to you long as you're fair to me. Understand?"

My brow pinched, unable to determine if he was lying or not. Of course, it'd be safe to assume that everything he said was a lie.

"I'll be fair to you, Arima-san," I nodded. "I'll be _very_ fair. So fair you'll let me go home."

"Like I said, in a few days."

"Whatever you want," I sputtered, almost as if by reflex. "Anything you want."

His expression didn't budge. I had to try, didn't I?

"That's good to hear, Kirishima. Because I will need to use your body."

"My...-"

"You're an addict, no? You're thin for your age. Pale. And if you're hanging around Uta I'm sure you're very aware of his business," he folded his hands behind his back.

"I used to be...there was a time when I would've done anything for H," I shook my head in remembrance. "That's not me anymore."

"It's not?"

"No."

Arima stepped closer, shadowing the light. His hand traced my jaw before lifting my head, forcing my eyes upon him.

"I could never sympathize with you addicts. It seemed you were only hurting yourself on purpose."

"You're a hypocrite," I blinked slowly, my head growing heavy just from looking at him.

"Maybe. And I thought killing your friends was my top priority," he tapped my chin once before releasing his grip. "I was wrong. I'm grateful to have crossed paths with you, Kirishima. You are doing me a huge favor."

"I am?" I pressed my lips together, holding my breath yet again as he drew closer.

There was a pinch in my neck, a small sting that was replaced by a heat. The heat coursed throughout my body from the source. It was ecstasy, hitting my nerves in a way that left me debilitated. I fell back against the bed and moaned, my body writhing as my head detached and floated, up and away. It felt similar to heroin only stronger, strong enough that I felt I couldn't move. I thought Halloween was the last time, the last moment of weakness I had for this. But as I drifted away, I wanted to grab Arima and beg him for more.

I lost track of the times he shot me up. In fact, I lost track of time. It could've been days or minutes separating each injection, I wasn't sure after. It was the same each time, he'd hold my face gently and push the needle into my neck, and each high felt like the first time. I would usually knock out after a few minutes, and I think he was tempering with the dose. I made the deduction he was testing out a new drug, either one he made in prison or found in America or something. Either way, I gave him my review when I was coherent enough. I told him it was better than heroin, lasted longer, made me feel like crawling out of my skin in a good way. It also made me nauseous, uncomfortable and hot when I was coming down. But the pros outweighed the cons, and I wanted more. When he told me it was time for sleep, I dug my nails into my skin and pleaded for whatever he could give me. He said that was it for the night, and gave me my pack of cigarettes. I smoked three consecutively. After I was done with each I pressed the fire into my skin, putting out the cigarette below the crease in my arm. My flesh bubbled and cracked but it didn't hurt. I wasn't high but it didn't hurt in the slightest, it only felt like a distant heat.

I tucked myself into bed and waited, counted down the seconds until Arima would return.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pimp daddy master drug lord arima kishou


	18. Ken III

I didn't think myself to be a heavy drinker, but I woke up the next morning still feeling intoxicated. In fact, I wasn't even sure where I was. But as my eyes adjusted I could see it was Ayato's old room in the apartment he shared with Touka. By now it was stripped clean besides the bed. From the peephole I made in the covers I could see the ominous and somehow distant bathroom door. It gave me the incentive to stumble out of bed, nearly tripping over my shoes on the floor. I slipped them back on and exited the room.

It was just Touka on the couch, her legs crossed as she sipped coffee in her pajamas. Though I was spending time with her brother I hadn't seen Touka as often as I would've liked. Her light hair was losing that soft lilac color, the blackness of her roots growing in. It was pulled up and tied off her neck, after all their hair grew so fast.

"There you are," she didn't turn around though she heard me, just kept flicking through the cable channels.

"Here I am," I rubbed at my eyes. "Erm, looks like I had too much to drink last night-"

"I'll say," she glanced back at me.

"I'm not even sure how I got here," I walked over to the couch.

"Well, you said you were with Tsukiyama. That Ayato wasn't answering his phone so you came here."

"I'm sorry for the disturbance," I gave her a pathetic smile.

"I was in a deep sleep too," she rolled her eyes, giving me a playful slap on the shoulder. "It's fine. I've missed hearing you babble."

"Babble?" I frowned. "I miss you too, Touka. I've just been-"

"With my brother," she deduced.

"Sorry."

"Don't apologize. He's finally clean and less annoying. Should've known he was gonna steal you the second you made eye contact."

I laughed, easing the dull pain in my head. I scooted closer to Touka and settled further into the couch. She was watching some crime drama that didn't hold my interest. Still, she leaned her head against my shoulder and I held her. Like I used to.

"So, how are you and Hide?"

"Good, good. The usual. He's been busy with classes."

Hide started taking criminology classes and the like. He said he wasn't sure where he was looking to end up, but that he was interested in being with law enforcement. I thought it was good for him, I could really see him working the technical side of things.

"And you? How is Ayato doing?"

"We're in a good place."

"I'm sure you don't want to hear it again, but thanks. For taking him off my hands and just...taking care of him."

"He's good at taking care of himself now, too."

"I wouldn't be so sure," Touka shrugged.

"Why would you say that?" I looked to her.

"Because," she glanced back with light blue eyes. "He's an idiot. And no offense to either of you, I love you both. But I think he's hopeless without you."

"I don't want that..."

"If you weren't around he'd still be shooting that junk into his arm. Or he'd be dead from it."

"I only helped him, gave him a reason. He always knew the drugs were a mistake."

"Or he's so incredibly sick that he didn't."

"Where is this coming from?"

"You're the one that woke me up at one in the morning," she hissed. She was certainly cranky this morning. I squeezed my arm around her and she groaned with feigned displeasure. I didn't want to talk about Ayato's addiction. It was in the past, inevitable. Things were different now, and Touka would eventually see and accept that.

"So, I was offered a job."

"Oh, yeah? What for? It'd be nice to get out of Anteiku, huh?"

"A magazine. It's in New York," I figured Shuu would want me to keep most of the details to myself.

"New York, New York? No shit. I've always wanted to go there," she longingly peered out the window, sighing. "I'm jealous."

"I think I'm gonna take it."

"That's great, Kaneki," she smiled, turning back to the TV. "Whatever it is I'm sure you'll do great."

"...do you think Ayato would want to come?"

"Jesus, he'd follow you into hell if you asked."

"It seems wrong to ask him to uproot his life for my sake."

"Ah, the considerate one," she patted my chest. "I think he'll be all over it. He'd love to get out of here."

"I hope so."

 

* * *

 

"What have we here?"

It seemed the contents of my pockets survived the explosion. The only thing that was broken was me. Arima turned on my phone, the light illuminating his pale face.

"Wow, 15 missed calls and twice as many text messages."

"Give it."

"Wait," he held his hand up to me and continued to scroll. "Hm. Kaneki Ken, blue heart icon, heart eyes icon, eggplant icon, sparkles icon."

"They're called emojis," I corrected him. That's what happens when you let Naki use your phone to 'browse Spotify'.

"It would appear I've found your significant other."

"You have to let me speak to him..." I glanced to my booted foot. Somewhere, down the line, this could've been avoided, I'm sure. And it could've been avoided by listening to Kaneki. Getting involved with Uta again was my mistake, and now I was surely paying for it. Though I couldn't see pass the promise of drugs, I was certain this wasn't going to end well for me. It was doubtful that I'd even see Kaneki again.

"Think he's worried about you?"

"Just let me tell him I'm okay, please. Please. He's the only person I care about," I batted my lashes, looking down and disdainful.

"I'm sorry. I can't let you do that," he let my iPhone slip from his fingers and meet the ground with a thwack, the screen shattering even further. "Not on this line, anyway."

This man was completely immune to my charm. It was utterly frustrating. I had to outthink him somehow...outsmart him. What would Kaneki do? No, he would never get himself into this situation because he's not a stupid fuck. But if he did-

"Dramatic," I mumbled. "Didn't have to break it."

"I did."

"Don't want anyone finding me, hm? Keeping me all to yourself?"

"Think whatever you like," he smiled thinly. "I'll only need you for a bit longer. Observation takes time."

"I know you won't leave me in pain..."

"Are you hurting already?"

"It hurts," I confirmed with a shaking nod, feeling chills set in to my flesh.

As he retrieved the needle I realized I couldn't outsmart him. Even if there was a way for me to make it past him, where would I end up? Among his armed friends, waiting to load me with bullets? All I could do was wait here for Arima to load me with drugs. Perhaps he wanted to see an overdose. Maybe I was never going to see the outside of this room again. Sadly enough, that wasn't so depressing for me. After waking up next to my dead mother all of my time felt borrowed anyway. Maybe...Arima had saved me.

The needle glistened under fluorescent light. Make it lethal. He touched my face and I closed my eyes. I didn't feel the syringe. My senses were dwindling.

"What's the last thing you've eaten?" He asked as my head began to spin, as I was detached from my body. I kept my eyes closed in an attempt to stay lifted.

"Uh..."

Where was I earlier? I was with Kaneki? No- Urie. No...Hinami. No, no. It was Naki. Yes I was with Naki before Anteiku. We smoked a blunt at his house and ate pizza with jalapeños. It was fucking good, and only now I realized how hungry I was. My stomach cramped in minute pain.

"Pizza..."

"How long ago?"

"I-I don't know," I opened my eyes to meet his. "I don't."

Arima didn't look at me as if I was pathetic or desperate. He didn't look at me with sympathizing eyes or a gentle heart. No...he looked at me like he was my reaper. He already knew my soul was in his hands- now all he had to do was cut the string. There was nothing in his heart.

He nodded. "That's fine."

When he exited the room I counted four hundred and forty-six seconds. A prompt return. He offered me only a water bottle.

"This...is it?" I asked him as I held up the bottle.

"No. Your pizza is in the oven."

Prick.

"You want me to starve, too?"

"Your limits. I'm testing them."

"I am not your subject!" I shouted, pounding my fists and shaking the whole bed. "I was clean...I was happy...you take me home now. Right now."

"And here I thought you lost all your energy."

I stood up, putting the weight on my uninjured leg. I drug myself across the room until I was in front of him. I jabbed my finger into his chest. "Just remember if I aimed a little higher I could've killed you."

"But you didn't, did you?" He tilted his head, more condescending as the minutes passed.

"Agh!" With my pent up aggravation I slapped his stupid glasses off his face. They hit the floor and he sighed, rolling his eyes.

"Are you done?"

"...yeah."

What was even more unsettling was his almost doppelgänger appearance to Kaneki, like if you put him through a time machine. Unfortunately now I had used up my remaining energy, and had no choice but to sit back down.

Arima retrieved his glasses and placed them back on as if nothing had happened. "What a brat."

"Nothing's more bratty than taking something or someone that doesn't belong to you..."

"But you do belong to me."

I was in no place of power, even he knew he held all the pieces. I was just another unfortunate pawn. Hopefully this game would end soon and I could sleep. Maybe I would get to see my mother.

"Spare me," I mumbled.

"I don't do mercy killings. You have so much to look forward to, after all."

"Okay," I nodded, unsure why. I didn't say another word.

"That's the spirit."

 

* * *

 

_"The number you are calling could not be reached at this time. Please hang up or try again."_

His apartment was empty. Not a thing had been touched since I was last in here. He had to be with one of his friends.

"Hey, Hina. Have you heard from Ayato?"

_"No, I haven't. I'm sorry Kaneki, I can't talk now."_

She hung up rather abruptly. I moved onto the next contact.

"Hey, Naki."

_"A good afternoon to you too, coconut cake. What do you want?"_

"You haven't heard from Ayato today or last night, have you?"

_"Na. I didn't see him after we passed out in front of the TV yesterday. But he said he had work. Isn't he with Uta?"_

"I called the shop but there's no answer."

_"Since you're being so persistently maternal I'll text you Uta's number."_

"Thank you, Naki. Thank you."

_"Not a problem, doll."_

I was only a little bit worried. Very little. In fact, even less than that. I had already decided to place my trust in him again, and that wasn't something I easily forgot. So I only called to confirm his safety.

Once Naki texted me the number I dialed it. It rang for a few times before he picked up the phone with a quiet hello.

"Uta-san?"

 _"Kaneki..."_ He didn't sound to pleased to be hearing from me.

"Hey. I'm sorry about this but, you're with Ayato, right? I haven't heard from him so I'm getting a little nervous."

_"Yeah. Yeah, I'm with him. He's at my place. Come pick him up."_

"O-Oh, okay," the thought of him spending the night at Uta's again made me more angry than anything else, but he'd have plenty of time to defend himself of the car ride back. Once he sent me his address I grabbed my keys and left.

 

* * *

 

I arrived at Uta's fair looking apartment. It was more than fair, really. I didn't even bother to question how he could afford it. Either way, I knocked on the door and was let in. Another man sat on the couch facing the window. Something felt...off.

"You have a lovely home, Uta-san."

"I appreciate that, Kaneki," he gave one dead blink.

"So, is he in the bathroom or something?"

"No."

"Well this wasn't a short drive over. I'd like to go before-"

"He's not here, Kaneki."

"You told me he was," my brow furrowed. I gestured to the man on the couch. "And who is this? What the fuck is going on here?"

"Yomo and I were with Ayato-chan last night," he glanced to his friend. "Plenty happened yesterday. But you should know that Ayato...Ay, he..."

"Spit it out already," I snapped, taking a step forward. "Like anything he could do anymore would even surprise me."

"He was kidnapped," Yomo spoke up from the couch. "Abducted. He could be dead by now."

I heard kidnapped, I heard abducted, but the word dead was the loudest.

"Kidnapped?! By who? When? What do you mean! You just let someone take him-!"

"It wasn't like that."

"What was it like, then?!" I was shouting now. I couldn't think past my racing heart and the physical need for more information. "You better start explaining."

"Let's just say I have an enemy. Ayato was in the wrong place at the wrong time."

"You don't even CARE!" My keys fell from my hand. "You...You said he could be dead..."

No one said anything. The tears prodded at my eyes. Instead of listening to my own crying I crossed the floor and rammed my fist into his face, hitting directly over his eye. I grabbed onto his shoulders before he could collapse.

"If he's dead because of you I will kill you. Even if there's a scratch on him, you're mine," I was speaking, but it didn't sound like me. I didn't even know who that was anymore.

"At least he had the decency to tell you."

I shot my eyes up to the stranger who dared to address me, now up off the couch.

"Of course! How could I have been so rude?!" With a grunt I shoved his shoulders, forcefully pushing him to the ground. He made no effort to fight back. "Thank you, Uta. _Thank you_ for giving me the worse news of my fucking life."

"Calm down, kid."

"Fuck you..." More tears.

"If he's dead I would be very surprised," Uta added from the floor. "He seemed to think Ayato-chan would be useful."

"Who is 'he'?"

The men shared a look, shaking their heads.

"You have to tell me something so I can try and find him!"

"Kaneki, you're not going to find him. You have to wait," Yomo advised me yet again.

"Wait? I'm supposed to just wait? Wait to hear from him or wait to hear if he's dead or wait for any information whatsoever? Fuck that," I scooped up my keys off of the ground.

"It hasn't even been a day yet...you'll hear from him."

"We'll see," I glanced to Uta on the ground before exiting. "If not, you're going to pay for it."

 

* * *

 

With no information and no hope, I drove back to the 20th Ward. I had two options. The first one was obvious. Go to the police, file a missing persons, tell them that Uta and his tall friend know more than they're letting on. Hell, they probably know every detail but they didn't want me involved. They didn't want me involved but had the 'decency' to tell me the truth. What fucking noblemen.

I didn't want to go to the cops. Ayato hated almost every breed of law enforcement and something told me Uta wouldn't be too talkative, either. And that's likely why I was graced with the truth, they knew I had no interest in driving down to the police station.

Second option, wait. Wait. It seemed to turn this whole situation trivial. Just wait for Ayato to come back, like it was a guarantee. For all I know it could've been. I knew nothing of the man who took him. Maybe all he wanted was one night with him and...any further thoughts left me covering my mouth in bouts of nausea. Wait. I was just supposed to wait for him to come back. We didn't get this far just by waiting. But without a clue, without even a morsel of information to start on- it was useless. I was useless. I hit my window with the ball of my fist before speeding down the highway.

It was embarrassing. But I couldn't go to anyone else.

"Kaneki-san? Kind of a weird time in the day. Are you crying...?"

"You're alone, right?"

"Yeah."

I fell into his arms and I didn't cry. I had cried enough, and now I felt too hollow to go home and sit in Ayato's empty apartment.

"He didn't dump you, did he?"

"I don't wanna talk about it," I shook my head against his chest.

"Okay."

Urie was never one for empathy, but I knew if I had to wait he'd be a good person to wait with. And if I had to tell anybody- I was certain he would keep my secret.

"I didn't interrupt anything, did I?" I shied away from him as he allowed me inside. He had one of those small studio apartments overlooking the rest of the city.

"Um, no," he shrugged, running a hand through his hair. "I was working on a painting for someone."

"I just...can't go home right now..." I mumbled. "You wouldn't mind if I stayed?"

"Of course not. Sit."

He had his easel set up beside the couch, all his brushes and paints lined up accordingly. With the canvas turned, I couldn't see what the piece was. But that was fine.

We both sat down on the couch in silence. Urie leaned forward, reaching for an ashtray. I didn't say a word. Rolled up in unfamiliar paper it was weed, no doubt. To see that Urie partook was no surprise to me. I watched him spark the joint with a lighter, hitting it once before passing it to me.

The only drug I've ever done was alcohol. Well, and one time I took half of a Xanax that I stole from my mother and had a pretty egregious sexual experience so I've never gone near anything that wasn't in a bottle labeled Johnnie Walker.

I took a pull anyway. It didn't taste very good but it was smooth. It immediately left my head feeling lighter and less compressed. Thankful my headache was diminishing, I took another hit.

"I hope you're not looking to hook up with me. You have the worst timing."

"What?" I coughed, swatting away the smoke. "No. That's not why I'm here."

"Then why?"

I sighed, exhaling more smoke. "Ayato was...taken."

"What? Are you serious?"

I nodded once.

"So what are you doing here? Go to the cops and-"

"I can't. I can't do anything but wait."

"What?" Urie repeated, hardly believing what he was hearing. "What the fuck...do you know when or who-"

"There's really no point in talking about it," I passed the joint back to him. "Let's not."

We smoked and he didn't argue. He finished his painting and I fell asleep on the couch.

 

* * *

 

My body felt weighted, like steel in my bones dragging me down. I could hardly stand up. It was short moments like these where I began to wonder why I used in the first place. Because now I was so incredibly exhausted, injection after injection. It felt good but it was smothering more than anything else. It was a hellish state, no one was meant to be high all the time.

"I want to go home," I whined, finding the courage within myself.

"Soon, Kirishima. You can go home soon."

"You're just going to kill me."

"No, don't you see? I want to take care of you."

I suppose filling me up with drugs was a fine way to start. "You lie," I gave a slow shake of my head. "Because you hate Uta. Killing me would-"

"Not effect him in the slightest, I assure you."

"That I'm not so sure about," my brow pinched.

"I am."

"Fine. What do you want with me, then?"

"You are the perfect candidate for the job," he touched my face. Every time he did I could feel the site in my neck tingle. "Are you interested?"

"For the next hit, yeah."

"He trusts you enough, it would seem. Kill him."

"Kill-"

So Arima was still interested in taking his life. It seemed he forgot all about that when he took me, but maybe that was his plan all along. I might've been in a constant high, but I wasn't that far gone. I still knew I needed to get out of here.

"I only killed once before and it was an accident."

"It'll be even better if it's accidental. You used to date, correct? Bat your eyelashes. That kind of thing."

"I could just bat my eyelashes but I don't think you'll get the results you want."

He pressed his lips together, giving me a sideways glare. I shrugged, forcing a smile.

"What is this really about?"

"I think you'll be useful to me. In more ways than one. This will be your first test."

"Isn't this my testing?"

"I can find someone else to test the new stuff on. You're much too good for that, anyway."

But I wanted more. His hand brushed my face again, his fingers caught in my hair.

"You're more than capable."

Looking into his dark eyes, I thought he was right.

"You can go see your Kaneki, take care of Uta, and the rest will be taken care of. You won't have to come back here."

"But I need-"

"I said I will take care of the rest."

Just when I thought I found a way out...another way in.

"I'll reach out to you again in a few days, hm? Impress me, Ayato."

 

* * *

 

"Kaneki-san. Wake up."

Being shaken awake was not my most favorite thing. But I had no energy to complain. I turned away from Urie, pushing his hand off of me.

He clicked his teeth. "Fine."

Urie hauled me over his shoulder with ease, bringing me into the other room. That certainly woke me. Upside, gripping onto shirt I shouted for him to put me down. After kicking the door to his room open he dropped me on his bed.

"No, Urie," I held up my hand. "Too forward. Too soon. Too...early."

"Idiot," he hissed. "Mutsuki is getting dropped off and I don't need you snoring on my couch to scare him away."

"Oh," I allowed myself to fall against the bed, deflated and maybe a bit disappointed he had no plan in ravaging me. "Fine. I'm going back to sleep."

"I figured."

"Hmph," I crawled beneath the covers and forced my head under a pillow.

"And I don't care what you say- when I come back we're talking about Ayato."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes," he persisted.

"No," I countered.

"You're just as childish as he is."

Smoking drugs and sleeping in a bed that wasn't my boyfriend's. Maybe I was more like Ayato than I thought.

"Don't you have somewhere to be?"

With that, Urie left the room and shut the door behind him. I was lucky to have him, really. Who else would sit around and listen to all this bullshit? I would've talked to Hide but I couldn't tell him anything about Ayato. It would be unfair given his relationship with Touka.

Once I heard Urie leave with his boyfriend I scrambled my things together. I should head back to the apartment...I had no place here.

 

* * *

  

At home I sat down on the couch and smoked one of Ayato's spare cigarettes. It was an icebox, snow falling outside while I was too lazy to get up and turn on the heat. I wondered that if Ayato was warm where he was. I covered my eyes and thought about praying to god. What an odd thought...

"Ken?"

Of course his voice was unmistakable. I shot up from the couch to find Ayato standing in the doorframe of his bedroom with only underwear on. His hair was wet, past his shoulders now. Water dripped down his body. Nothing about him looked different at all. It was a rush to see him in front of me again. A high.

I ran over to him and pulled him into a hug by his shoulders.

"I was so worried...I thought..." I held onto his hair, tears finding their way. "He said you could've been dead..."

"Who is he? Who told you anything?" He asked urgently. It was then I realized he didn't return my embrace. The hug I waited and hoped for, the moment I thought I might never get.

"Ayato," I pulled back and looked into his eyes. "I thought you were _dead!_ I thought someone took you and murdered you! I didn't even know when I would fucking see you again. You have to tell me everything that happened from the beginning so arrests can happen-"

"No," he shook his head. "No, fuck that. I'm not talking to anybody."

Never mind. He did look different. His eyes were dull, lagging. He hadn't looked this tired in a while. Even his face was looking more gaunt, less colored. He was high.

"Ayato, are you...high?"

With a long exhale, he shut his eyes. "I'm sorry, Kaneki."

"Who did this to you?"

"Why don't you go home now?"

"This is my home!" I reminded him. "We've lived together for a month now. Don't you remember?"

"Of course. I remember every second with you," he took a step closer, a halted walk. I looked down to see his left foot was swaddled in wet bandaging, red with blood. What happened yesterday...? One day we're apart and everything turns to hell.

"Ayato, you have to tell me who hurt you. Tell me and I'll-"

He took my face in his hands and pressed a single kiss to my lips, his mouth dry and cracked. "I made my choice, Kaneki. Now go."

"I'm not going anywhere! I have to make sure you're okay and...and that you're okay..."

"I don't want you anymore."

"...what?"

"It was always something. If not the drugs, my behavior. If not my behavior, my relationship with my sister. If not that, something else. You wanted to insert yourself into my life and twist me into some version of myself that you were actually capable of loving. So fuck you. Fuck you and get out."

"Ayato, no. You're not thinking clearly right now."

"Think this," he closed the space between us, hobbling in my direction and slamming the back of his hand across my face. It didn't even hurt in the slightest. I wouldn't have known it happened if not for the sound. "There. I hit you again. It's over."

"I refuse to believe this..." I touched my face.

"I can't have both, right?" He laughed, starting to look manic. "So I made a choice."

"No, no, you can get clean again. It doesn't matter right now. Just let me stay, alright? I'll make you coffee, and-"

"Why are you trying so hard?" His eyes began to brim with tears of his own. "Why do you want me?"

"You know why."

"I killed my mother, you know."

"No you didn't, Ayato," I shook my head. "It was an accident."

"I was driving. I made the turn and the truck hit us so hard it knocked her face off of her skull. And it was my fault."

And it all began to fall into place, the pieces finally fitting. With his father, his sister, his general attitude, the drugs- it made sense, really. He was never able to let go of the fact he was responsible for her death.

"It was an accident," I repeated, my voice had now gone weak.

"One more time," he nodded. "I'll tell you to leave one more time-"

"Fine, Ayato," I held up my hands, taking a step back. "I'm going."

He kept his eyes on me until I was out the door. On my way to the car I made a phone call.

_"4th Ward Mental Health and Wellness Pavilion, may I ask who's calling?"_

"Yes, hello. I'd like to have someone admitted."


	19. Urie III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: rape mention

I had cut off most of my hair last night. Once it goes past my shoulders I start looking like my sister. It was fitting, really. I wasn't that long-haired, falsely confident and illuminating person Kaneki had fallen in love with. And because that wasn't me, I had let him go. It really was the smartest move. I had to deal with Uta and Arima and the aftermath. Once I gave Arima what he wanted I planned on getting the fuck out of Japan. It didn't matter where. I'd survive.

So I cut my hair down to about his length, leaving my bangs alone. It was too hot underneath all of that. After running a hand through I realized I didn't look like me. I was looking in the mirror and watching from above. I knew I had done such destruction to myself and to my body alone. And that didn't stop me from tying off, from crying myself to sleep because I wanted him next to me. But I couldn't be that selfish. I was much too fucked up to provide anyone with any love or companionship. I knew that from the very beginning. When he first looked at me across the apartment, his eyes bright with intrigue and desire. Not even lust. He was an idiot, like me. We both knew it was a mistake, a cautious risk. We ignored the warning signs and went for it anyway. Why couldn't he have just fucked me and left like everyone else? Maybe if that were the case, I wouldn't be standing here now.

I went out drinking that night. Everyone seemed to be having a good time. I wasn't much of a club-goer, especially the solo kind. But with nothing else to do and half-price off of drinks, I was there in a heartbeat. Four or five cups in I knew I was in a stupor. I could barely sit upwards at the bar. If this stopped me from using the tiny bit of heroin I had left, so be it. I wasn't thinking of Kaneki, either. No, only of how fucking terrible this music was and how annoying everyone in here was. All laughing and dancing and having a hell of a time. Meanwhile I was so hot to run a blade across my wrist I had to drink myself into a blackout to stop myself.

I wobbled into the empty bathroom with my cane. It was nearly pitch black inside except for the few spotlights above the mirrors. I stopped in front of one and adjusted my hair. I ran some chapstick over my lips before heading back to the door. In a rush the cane was knocked out from under me, and I fell to the floor along with it. I caught myself on my hands, unable to see a thing besides the mirrors and a shadow.

"You ran into me," a husky voice spoke, not bothering to assist me.

"You were in my way," I responded to the figure, attempting to push myself up to no avail. My intoxication numbed the pain in my foot but I still couldn't use it.

"Is that so?" He asked.

"Yeah."

Just then I felt fingers in my hair, pulling my head back slowly. I groaned, the distress marvelous.

"You're not very polite, are you?"

"No," I shook my head, a smile forming.

"Why is that..." Cool breath creeped across my neck and I shuddered.

"I need someone to make me listen."

And soon I was pushed into a stall, prodded by rough hands. My head spun the entire time, feeling like I could fall over any second. That didn't stop him from pushing my face into the wall as my voice went weak with moans, calling me his tight little bitch. It felt better than it did disgusting, and I knew by this time tomorrow I'd have someone else inside of me anyway, so it didn't matter. When we both came he shuffled out with haste, his belt buckle clinking as he left. I curled up on the floor, listening to the music blaring outside. I stayed there for three hours.

 

* * *

  

I took a cab to Naki's afterward. I nearly forgotten he had even asked me to come over. I was greeted by Yamori at the door.

"Ah, Ayato-kun. Nice hair."

"Thanks."

"Where's your housewife? Thought you guys were attached at the hip," he moved aside to let me in.

I followed him inside, shrugging. "He's around."

"Long as it's not here," he smiled and shut the door, walking back to his room.

Now I could see Hinami and Naki were on the couch, waiting and watching some stupid reality tv show I couldn't even bother to glance at.

"Ayato! What did you do to your beautiful hair?" Naki exclaimed, consistently dramatic.

"I cut it."

"You look mature," Hinami noted.

"Funny, this is my haircut from when I was twelve."

"Come here," she rolled her eyes.

I sat down between them, leaning my head back. With the alcohol settling I felt sleep creeping over me.

"So, both of us wanted to talk to you," Hinami began, turning herself to face me. Naki did the same.

"Don't like the sound of that," I mumbled, lifting my head. "What is it?"

"You're so distant lately-"

"I just moved in with Kaneki. Things take time to settle down, you know."

"You didn't just move in," Naki reminded me with disapproving eyes.

"And like I said, the past few days. You went silent for two of them and...we just want to know if anything's wrong. If we could help in any way, because we can see you don't look too good."

I was lucky to have friends that were so attentive. I might have to break up with them, too.

"Look, I didn't want to say anything," I mumbled, pushing my bangs off my face. "Kaneki...we...we're not together anymore."

"What?" They both asked at the same time.

"No way," Hinami shook her head, taking one of my hands. "I don't believe you. I thought..."

"Me too."

"What happened?" She asked, no doubt expecting a story of another epic failure by me myself and I. It'd be nice to prove everyone wrong for once.

"...he cheated on me."

It was the first thing that came to mind. Why do people usually break up, right?

"Yeah. Yeah, with that guy from the coffee shop."

"No way," Hinami repeated, squeezing my hand. "I don't believe this."

"Urie? Not a chance," Naki crossed his arms. "He would never leave you for him. That just defies logic."

"Apparently he has a really big dick. Like nine and a half inches."

"Oh," Naki's eyes widened with interest before looking off.

"Say no more," Hinami sighed, resting her head on my shoulder. "I never thought Kaneki-san to be the type. I'm angry."

"That's my job," I put a hand to my chest. "Don't worry about it, alright? I don't want to think, talk, speak of him. Let's just smoke."

Smoke we did. Afterwards I passed out on his couch almost instantly.

 

* * *

 

The next morning I made a call. It just so happened that Nishiki was my backup. After a breakup, big or small, he'd toss whatever pills he had my way. This time it was Valium. And once we were both fucked up enough we'd have sex, this time being no exception. The best way to get over someone was to get under someone, a motto I had always lived by and believed in. I was already on my second dick and it wasn't working. If a minute passed where I didn't think of Kaneki I considered myself lucky. 

"I'll give you thirty if you want. For the pill."

"You're alright," he waved me off. "I don't really want your money."

"But you weren't too quick to turn me down."

"Come on, Kirishima," Nishiki rolled his eyes before glancing over to me. "We both know all your money is gonna be shot up your arm, anyway."

"You...won't tell anyone, will you?" I tapped the ash of my waning cigarette.

"It's none of my business. I'm not going to tell you what to do. I just hope you don't end up killing yourself or worse. Kaneki knew that, too."

"Yeah," I exhaled. "Well, there's a lot of things he doesn't know."

"Not really. But I wouldn't tell him that."

"What kind of love is that? All he ever did from the beginning was try to change me."

"It's called compromise, Kirishima. You only find that in love that's worth your time."

"What do you know, anyway..." I exhaled, feeling salt sting my eyes.

"Ayato," he spoke with a sudden conviction, his hand now around my arm. I looked back at him.

"What."

"Go to rehab. They'll give you methadone and you won't have to worry about anything. You can be clean and live your life without this weight on you all the time."

"Why do you even care?" I snatched my arm back. "If you care so much, why'd you fuck me?"

"That's never gotten in the way before," he shook his head, looking exhausted. "I wanted to come. Doesn't mean I don't care about you. I still want you to be happy. I never thought I'd get another one of these calls from you again, and that was a relief. I'd be an idiot to turn you away though, right? But that's exactly what you need. To be told 'no' once in a while."

I smiled at him. "And this has never gotten in the way before. You want to sit here and talk about our feelings? You're not my boyfriend."

"No shit," he decided to get up at that point. "You're dating yourself. That's the only person you look out for."

As he dressed himself I rolled my eyes and crushed my cigarette into the ashtray.

"Nothing really wrong with that."

"Unless you're an addict," he slipped his glasses back on.

"This coming from a drug dealer."

"I sell pills to kids on vacation or kids in school with their parents' money. You don't see me slinging heroin. Looks like you should've called Uta instead," he stepped into his shoes. Although he was speaking clear and coolly, I could tell I had upset him.

"Nishio-"

"Don't worry, I'm leaving."

"No," I shook my head. "Stay. You should stay."

"I got to go."

The two of us usually just fed each other lies once we got what we wanted from the other.

"Okay," I nodded to myself. He left immediately after.

 

* * *

  

I listened to the sound of my alarm clock, clicking with each new and dreadful minute. Draped underneath my covers, I had no intention of moving. I must've been up for hours, but simply lacked the will to rise. I spent the entire time wondering what Ayato was doing, who he was seeing and if he was still taking air. I didn't want to tell anyone how abruptly he had dumped me, or that he had been kidnapped. In turn I couldn't ask anyone to go check up on him. Fucking hell, I could go do that myself. He never said he didn't want to see me. Only that he didn't want me. A statement I had trouble believing.

So I rolled out of bed, pulling on sweatpants and a t-shirt. It was absolutely freezing outside, but I didn't care to put on a jacket. The only reason I put on shoes was so my feet wouldn't get wet from the snow. I hopped in my car and took the drive down to the 11th Ward.

Once I arrived at Ayato's apartment building, I exited the car and shivered as I walked my way to the stairs. Only someone was waiting to greet me, a face I hadn't seen in some time and a face I did not miss.

"Kaneki."

He hadn't looked like he had gotten much sleep, his hair matted and messy as if someone had been pulling at it.

Before I cut off the supply to my common sense, I told myself it was only sex. That I knew what we had and that come this time next year, Nishiki would be a thing of the past like the rest of this fucking city.

"Help him," he spoke up again after realizing I wasn't going to. "He actually listens to you."

"And what? Not to you? Not even after you fed him your drugs?"

"I gave him half a painkiller."

"Looks like you gave him more than that," I crossed my arms.

"I'm sorry, Kaneki," he shrugged, seemingly out of excuses. "Truth be told, he's a waste of both of our time."

He left with those words, entering his car and driving off. I took a deep breath, pretended I just didn't run in to him, and headed up the stairs. I knocked on the door.

Surely enough Ayato stood behind it in nothing but his underwear, leaning on his cane. I could see now he had trimmed his hair down, the sharp edges of his face exposed and highlighted. It was still a bit wavy in some places, curling around his neck and ears. He looked good, so good, like he always did. It was frustrating to say the least. Once our eyes met he sighed with displeasure.

"Kaneki. I was expecting-"

"Nishio?"

He backed up a bit, guilt washing over his face. He attempted to rebuild his armored demeanor, but I saw right through the guise.

"What? I have needs. Better than a stranger, right?"

"I wouldn't know," I shook my head.

"Just go, Kaneki. Go to Urie. Hide, for all I care. Just leave me alone," Ayato went to shut the door but I blocked it with my foot. He scoffed. "What's it gonna take? Another slap to the face?"

"You don't actually think for one minute that I believe this bullshit, don't you?"

"You just saw the proof walk past you, no?"

"That only proves you're hurting."

"Figures," he muttered to himself. "What is it you want? The old break up make up?"

"No, Ayato. I don't want sex."

"Then what?"

I glanced to his hand curled around the cane, the ring we had shared still rested on his index finger. I wonder if he had simply forgotten since he wears so much jewelry, or if he had left it on purposely. Either way, pointing it out now would make him rip it off and throw it to the ground like a horrible cliché.

"I wanted to talk about your mother."

His knuckles had already gone white.

"You didn't have to tell me that, especially if you were already breaking up with me. You...you wanted me to know."

Ayato looked to the floor, his teeth already sinking into his lip. "I guess I wanted to know what you'd think."

"I think no differently of you," I told him. "I think I can't even begin to understand your pain."

He closed his eyes for a moment, taking a sharp inhale of air. "Come in."

I followed him inside and shut the door. He went down the hall, presumably to change. Nearly all of my belongings were here anyway, and I think he was aware he had no right to keep me out. He returned in a black t-shirt and what appeared to be another pair of my sweatpants. We both sat down on the couch, a fair distance apart.

"You have to know it wasn't your fault. No one thinks you're a murderer."

"But it was my fault. I can't let it go," he shook his head, running his fingers through his sloppy hair. "I took her."

"You did nothing. Whether you were driving or not. Because it was only a very horrible accident."

"Right," he exhaled, deflated. "Even if I somehow convinced myself I did nothing wrong, she's still dead."

"That's right," I mumbled. "I don't think she'd want you punishing yourself."

"Death is terrifying, Kaneki," he folded his fingers together. "Quiet and dark...I never wanted to put her there."

"I know, Ayato-kun."

He hung his head and began to sniffle, prompting me to scoot closer. When I was close enough he immediately pressed his head into my chest, silent tears tapping away. He ran his hand over my neck and down my chest, sighing. Maybe I could get through to him. I held him until his breathing steadied, listening to it even back out.

"S-Sorry," he spat out, ripping himself away. "I should've done things differently...but this is the best decision."

"I guess I have no say in this decision..."

"Right," he nodded. "That's the way it needs to be."

Since Ayato was a victim, I didn't want to prod at him. I didn't want to pry him for answers that I needed in order to move forward. The bottom line was clear. He was sick. I couldn't argue with him about yesterday or Nishiki or anything because I was unsure where his breaking point rested. So I tried to approach the situation with a clear head and open mind. One of us needed to.

"Ayato," I slid a bit closer. He looked to me, his blue eyes now lifeless and lost. "It's okay. I don't want you to worry about it."

"It's...okay?" His expression remained unchanged.

I nodded once.

"I don't understand."

"I want you in my life. That's the least I expect from you. But that won't stop me from asking."

"Asking...?"

"You're sick, Ayato. There's a treatment center in the 4th Ward. There'll be room for you within the week. I think you should go."

"I can't," he shook his head, covering his eyes. "I can't do that."

"Like anything you haven't already seen hasn't been horrible enough. You can handle rehab."

"There's no point to go," he still didn't look up.

"Why do you say that?"

"You were ever my only reason to be clean. Now I have no reason."

"I'm sitting right here, aren't I?"

"It's not the same for me," he spoke with an annoyance, dropping his hand. "Maybe others think it's how you show me you love me but I'm not that stupid."

"Ayato," I kept my voice even so he would remain calm. "I love you. I know you love me, too. We can be together and have everything we ever wanted."

"Please," Ayato rolled his reddened eyes. "Life isn't some fucking Taylor Swift song. Get used to it."

As my tongue jabbed at the inside of my cheek I knew it was time to leave. This would only be successful if he was willing to listen, and I could see he already closed his doors. And though I knew the kind of behavior he was certain to respond to, I was too fucking tired.

"Alright," I swept what hair was left behind his ear. He flinched at my touch, shying away. It was definitely my time to leave. "This looks nice on you."

"You look nice on me," he smiled in a familiarly deviant manner, but it quickly faded. Still, we both laughed. "Sorry. Habit."

"I'll be back, a little later alright? Just to get some of my things."

"Sure."

I left, and set out with a destination that would hopefully lead me to some assistance.

 

* * *

 

"Kaneki!" Arata's face lit up when he saw me, quickly dragging me inside. "It's so good to see you. I haven't heard from you or Ayato in quite some time. Though I usually take that as a good sign. Come, sit."

He pulled me along to the dining room and we both had a seat. Now that Ayato had cut his hair I could see he looked more like his father than I realized. His beauty was overwhelming in a crippling and cold way, where as Arata was warm and inviting. If not for the apparent and amazing genes I would never guess Ayato to be his son.

"How's work, Kirishima-san?"

"It's fine. Better, actually. But we don't want to talk about me, do we?" He chuckled. "Tell me how you guys have been doing."

"I um..." I pressed my lips together, unsure how to proceed. "We were really good. For a while."

"Did something happen?"

"He's relapsed."

Arata nodded, the ease and warmth drained from his face. He cleared his throat. "I see."

"There's another thing. I apologize, Kirishima-san, but I would like to talk about his mother."

"No need to apologize, Kaneki. Continue."

"He told me what happened. That he was the driver," I looked away from him, folding my hands together nervously. "I'm not sure you quite understand what it's done to him, Kirishima-san."

Arata was quiet for a moment, seemingly in thought. He exhaled before he began.

"I was angry at first. I figured he must've been high. And I was distant. I wasn't there for him in his grieving, I was too caught up with mine. But I never once thought it was his fault. I fear it's too late...though I've apologized it's never been enough. No matter how hard I've tried, I can't erase his guilt."

"I'm not sure if it can ever leave him completely. But it is controlling his life. I can't stand to see him suffer like this."

"Do you have a proposal?"

"I asked him to go to treatment. You can assume how well that went. I think once the withdrawals begin I can convince him. But only he can admit himself, unless he's an immediate danger."

"So...not much of a plan."

"I think an intervention could be helpful, as well. You should come."

"I...I'm afraid I don't share your confidence, son."

"You should. Because he's capable. I need you there, Kirishima-san. Ayato, too. He needs to hear that you're worried about him."

After taking a long breath, he nodded. "Anything you need, Kaneki."

 

* * *

  

I visited Urie after leaving Arata's. I hadn't seen Urie since showing up there with news that Ayato had been taken. Though he played it off, I knew he liked Ayato to a degree. I think that's why he showed him so much animosity. Either way he'd want to know that he wasn't dead. For now.

"Here," he set me down a cup of water. I asked for coffee but he said I looked too strung out. He sat beside me on the couch again.

I took a sip of the water, exhaling into the glass while wishing it was coffee.

"I hope everything is okay. I wanted to call, but, I don't know..."

"It's alright. He came home the other night. Just in his apartment like nothing happened."

"Well that's something. That's good," he nodded with assurance. "What happened to him?"

"He looked alright at first. Maybe a little bruised up. But then I saw something happened to his left leg. He has a cane and everything..." I shook my head, overwhelmed in verbally repeating all of this. I set down my water. "I don't know what. He wouldn't tell me. And he wouldn't tell me what happened, either. Not a single thing."

Urie pursed his lips, looking to the ground. "He wouldn't tell you anything?"

"No. And...I'm sorry to be bothering you with this. I figured you'd want to know he was alive at least."

"Don't apologize, Ken," he spoke with a softness I only recognized when he had kissed me. "Naturally I've been more worried about you. I know you don't have anyone to talk to where he's concerned. I don't mind."

"Thank you."

We were silent for a short moment. I took another sip of my water.

"There are so many pieces missing," he mumbled, settling back into the couch. "And Ayato won't tell you a thing. Do you think he was raped?"

It was a simple question. One that left me to burst into tears, slamming my head into my hands because I couldn't protect him. No, I didn't protect him. Anything that happened to him that night was a direct result of my failure. Now everyone was paying the price.

"I-I'm sorry," he placed his hand on my back and rubbed at my shoulder.

"It's fine," I wiped off my face with my arm, now soaked. "I...I don't know. I don't know! He won't tell me anything!"

"Least he could do is give you the peace of mind," he mumbled.

"I won't get it from him," I lifted my head, my voice lowering once more. "Uta. He was there that night. And I'll get the answers I need from him no matter what."

"I hope so, Kaneki."

Just then the front door's locked clicked, opening up. Urie removed his hand from my shoulder and rose to greet Mutsuki.

"Hey," Urie took his hand and closed the door behind him, leaning in for a kiss. Mutsuki turned his head, leaving him with a peck on the cheek. Our eyes met briefly, and I could see he was not happy. Not only that, he must've been crying. His eyes were all red along with the tip of his small nose.

"Hi," he responded. "Hi, Kaneki."

I was still finishing wiping some tears of my own. "Hey, Tooru."

"Can I talk to you for a minute?"

"Sure," Urie nodded, leading them to his bedroom. I suppose now was a good a time as any to leave. I finished my glass of water, placed it in the sink and found my sneakers. As I proceeded to retie them Mutsuki silently stormed out of the apartment, slamming the door behind him. Five minutes hadn't even passed.

"...Urie-kun?"

"Un-fucking-believable," he exhaled, walking out of his room. He immediately turned to me. "You forgot to mention one little detail, Kaneki."

"What?" I asked, still confused.

"That you broke up. I know he must've dumped you because your head is way too far up his ass."

"Right," I directed my eyes back to my lap, not interested in looking at him any longer. "Yeah. He said he didn't want me anymore."

"That's not how he's making it look. He told everyone we fucked and that's how you two broke up."

"We didn't-"

"Mutsuki doesn't know that," his voice began to climb. "And he won't believe me either. Now everything of mine is fucked up because of your fucking boyfriend. This is the last time I let him fuck with me like this."

"He must've only said that to protect himself. He didn't want to tell the truth. Whatever that might be..." I knew I was too late to calm Urie down. Ayato would soon receive his wrath and there was nothing I could do. Again.

"You can let yourself out," he swiped his jacket off the couch arm and was gone within a second.

 

* * *

 

I proceeded my joint with a cigarette, laying on the couch. I was so tired, too lazy to do anything today. But I knew the time was coming soon. I had to make a plan and quick. Poison...I liked the idea of poison. I just had to find the right method, perfect execution. I only get one chance.

As I flicked the ash from my cigarette, someone pounded their fist on my door. I cursed, gently placing my left leg down first, the boot thudding against the ground. I pushed myself up and dragged myself to the door, trying to walk without the cane. I pulled open the door to see none other than Cookie.

"Can I help you?"

"Yeah, you can help me," he made his way in, barging past me with ease.

"Hey-!"

"I don't know what to do with you, Kirishima. First answer me-"

"No, no," I chuckled. " _You_ first answer _me_. Who the fuck do you think you are barging in here like that? Get the fuck out of here before I throw you out."

"I'd love to see that attempt," he snorted.

"Fine."

I tucked the cigarette between my lips and grabbed him by his jacket, I knew it was impossible for me to move him with my leg like this, but that didn't stop me. I took a step forward to push him out but he just threw his hands off of me.

"Alright! What do you want then?!"

"Why did you tell Mutsuki I had sex with Kaneki?"

I didn't. I already knew who the culprit was, or rather- who heard it from who. I sucked my teeth. "Fucking Naki. Look, that wasn't meant for him, okay? Just something I told my friends to keep them off my back."

"Because you're using again," he deduced quickly.

"Fuck your allegations."

"You can overdose yourself for all I care," he took a step closer, minimizing the distance between us. "Go tell him the truth."

"Who? Your boyfriend? No, that's not my problem."

"Mutsuki, Kaneki, everyone you've fucking lied to."

"Not my problem," I repeated. "Your problems, Kaneki's, they're not mine. So I don't give a shit! Now get the fuck out of here before I-"

"Before you what?" He smacked my hand, the cigarette falling to the ground. The perfect thing to set me off.

Immediately I swung back, punching him in the mouth. I connected with his skin, but it couldn't have hurt much. I had no strength left in me. That made it easier for him to tackle me to the ground. My foot ached and swelled from being knocked around, but my heart was beating so fast I could hardly feel it. I didn't even care.

"You're so fucking pathetic. The least you can fucking do is tell him what happened to you! He's falling apart and you know it!"

"So am I!" I slammed my head against the ground. "I can't fucking deal with this. I can't. Kaneki was just another layer on top. I had to get rid of him. Before he got hurt for real."

"It's all about you, isn't it? Did you even consider his feelings? Mutsuki's? Mine?"

"No. I could give a shit. I made the right choice."

Urie closed his eyes, exhaling. He didn't budge. "Sometimes I think I could fucking kill you."

"Anyone else ever made you like that, Cookie?" A smile creeped over my lips.

"Shut up," he hissed.

"I mean it. Anyone make your heart beat fast enough that it feels like it's gonna stop?"

Urie and I were just fire being thrown at each other. We were both volatile and impassioned. Even violent. He'd be a great lay.

"Not really, no," I could see in his dark eyes his guard was lowering.

"Interesting," I laid my palm over his chest to feel for the beat. It was rapid and even erratic. "Seems like you have."

He smiled down at me. "You're delusional."

"Kill me then, I make you so fucking angry," I rolled my eyes. "You'd be doing me a giant favor. But I know you don't have the balls."

"Living your life is punishment enough, you fucking junkie."

In a rage I slammed my head against his, causing him to curse and lean off of me. I pushed him off by his shoulders, holding on so I could climb onto him and ram my fist into his face a few more times. Mash, mash, mash, until his blood spattered my face. He groaned in pain, bleeding from his nose and mouth. I laughed at the sight, pressing my hand against his throat.

"I'll do a fine job punishing you, Cookie."

He gritted his red teeth before grabbing my hand and pulling me forward. In one motion he drove his fist to my nose. The bones crunched and I cursed loudly, pain shockwaving through me like a current.

"We'll see," he croaked, taking my waist and throwing my body off of his. I crashed against the back of the couch, cursing yet again as my leg twisted painfully. As he dragged me by my hair I decided that was all I could give. I had no more stamina for him.

"Just fuck me," I told him once I was back flat against the floor, his hands pressing my shoulders down. "Everything else is a waste of my time."

"Don't you see you're already fucked? Stupid slut," he lifted his hand to hit me again. 

I spat the blood pooling on my tongue in his face, speaking red. He clenched his jaw, leaning forward.

"Only because it'll make your life worse," he murmured, his blood brushing my lips as our mouths forced their way against one another.

We didn't move or take off any of our clothes. It was all blood and teeth and pushing and pulling and insult after insult after insult. He had me right there, tearing into me so good that I was left screaming.


	20. Uta II

We sat in smoke and silence. As I watched him I realized I had made a mistake. I didn't want to hurt Mutsuki, so innocent in all of this. I didn't want to hurt Kaneki, who would eventually end up hating me. The only person I was interested in hurting was myself, and I needed no help in that department. Still, that was good...blood and spit remained on my tongue, the scent of his cheap cologne and sweat thick in the air. The more I thought about it the more it twisted my stomach, biting my lips to avoid a smile. I really was awful, but I wasn't the only participant.

"I am sorry. I wasn't trying to interfere in your relationship. Now _that_ would be annoying, wouldn't it?"

Urie exhaled smoke and shook his head at me. "Doesn't matter now."

"You give up easily," I mumbled, choosing to lay back down on the cool floor.

"I guess we have that in common," he presented the joint before my mouth. I swiped it from him.

"I didn't give up easily. I just gave up."

"Whatever," he shrugged, leaning against the back of the couch. Though the floor and our faces were fresh with blood, we both didn't care to clean ourselves up. We sat there for I don't know how long. Until the night grew darker.

"Don't 'whatever' me," I shot him a glare. "Or I'll kick your ass again."

Urie sighed, placing his hand on my shoulder. "I want you to listen to what I'm about to say, Kirishima."

"Alright."

"You're going to die if you keep doing shit like this."

Nothing I hadn't already heard before. But it's not like I expected Urie to have the magic words I needed.

"...shame."

"Of course only someone with a death wish acts out in such a way."

"I don't want to die."

"Hell if I know," he shrugged, pressing back against the furniture. "But you have to stop. The drugs, the sex. I know I can't be the first person you slept with since you dumped him."

"Sure you are, Cookie," I tried to keep my voice light.

"It wasn't even a concern if I had a condom or not."

"I guess I figured you were clean."

"You didn't figure anything, you just don't care. If you keep having unprotected sex you're gonna get something much worse than an overdose."

"Thanks, mom. I'll keep that in mind."

First he was angry. Then he didn't care. After going through his range of diverse emotions, he played the role of actually giving a shit. And I thought he would be gone by now.

"He's not going to put up with much more, you know."

"There's nothing for him to put up with."

"Bullshit. You know he can't just walk away from you."

"He has to learn."

"You're not making it easy."

"And you are?" My brow pinched, looking up at him. "You can say goodbye to your chances. He'll never forgive you for being inside of me."

"Mm. But how many times can he forgive you and your whorish ways?"

"Doesn't matter. We're not together."

"I know what happened to you," he stated, causing me to promptly sit up. "That someone took you and returned you like this."

"...no one returned me like anything. It's always been me. I've always been me."

"If you never talk to anyone about it it'll never go away for you. You do know that?"

"It's just easier...not to talk."

"You don't have to tell me that," he chuckled once.

"I'm not ready. If I was I would've already."

"I'll listen when you are. Believe it or not I can provide a neutral opinion."

I sighed, placing my hand on his leg. "You'll be the first person I go to, Urie."

 

* * *

  

I spent the night at Touka's again. I wasn't ready to face Ayato so soon. But I still had a toothbrush at the old apartment. I slept in Ayato's old bed again, unable to stop smelling the sheets. Cigarettes and whatever that shampoo he uses that he stole from his sister. It helped aid me to sleep, but it didn't keep me there. Most nights I just tossed and turned now. When morning came I didn't move. When the afternoon came I didn't move. When the evening settled in I moved to the left a little bit, but that was it. I just remained there as I heard my friends carrying on outside the door, laughing and eating and watching tv. I glanced to the bathroom door and felt for the scar on my lip. It was nearly transparent now, flat and thin. It was hard to even notice if you weren't looking for it. But I saw it. I even felt its heat as if I had received the mark just seconds ago. Even if we weren't together he had still staked his claim and branded me. I laid my hand over my slow beating heart. This is what love felt like, and nothing physical could ever hurt so much. Is this what he felt all the time...? Between the grief and the guilt and the greed, I questioned if he was ever once truly happy with me.

"Kaneki...? Are you awake?"

I turned under the covers to see Hide entering, shutting the door behind him. He sat beside me on the bed.

"It's late, thought I'd see if you're okay."

"Yeah. Yeah, I am," I shielded my head with the covers.

"What happened to him, Kaneki? There's only one reason you'd be wallowing like this."

"And what would that be..."

"Ayato, of course. I haven't seen you get so strung out on something in a really long time. Good or bad. So, what's the deal?"

I took a deep breath, releasing the air. "Let's just say we'll all need to get together. And soon."

"Kaneki," Hide pulled the covers off of my head, fed up with my deflecting. "You tell me what's going on. Right now."

Under the dim light of the setting sun, Hide's brown and gentle eyes were now wide with ferocious concern. It was a bit unnerving to face him. I brought my gaze down.

"Ayato...he's using."

"I gathered," he frowned, though the intensity in his face hadn't shifted.

"I don't know what to do anymore...I believe nothing will help," I shook my head, tightening my fingers in my hair.

"Kaneki."

I looked up to Hide, ready for the tears to start spilling. Close enough already, he took his face in my hands firmly and pressed his soft mouth to my bottom lip, over the scar I knew he hated. It was short, his breath brushing my face. Still...I was left speechless. To say I never saw Hide in that way would be a blatant lie. But I never acted on anything, because he had always persistently showed an interest in girls. And when I came out to him, he didn't have anything to share himself. But maybe Ayato hadn't been wrong that day, that he had feelings for me he wasn't ready to admit or accept. Or perhaps he was only looking for my attention. He had it.

"Are you listening?" He asked, his thumb coursing my jaw. I nodded once. "I know how much you love him. I know it's mutual. But Kaneki, when it's bad it's bad. It kills me to even see you like this...you have no idea how angry it makes me."

I listened to his words, my eyes squeezing shut.

"How much longer are you going to do this? Maybe you two were meant to be together. Maybe not. What's certain is you aren't meant for each other right now."

"Don't say that..." The tears finally showed.

"You know it's true. He's sick. He's too deep in it with himself to give you anything, Kaneki. I can't believe you don't see that," his voice raised a bit. "Neither of you had even had time to properly heal for the loss of your mothers. I understand you found comfort in one another, but you can't do this to yourself. You're addicted to him, Kaneki."

Maybe that was all true. It probably was. Hide was smart. Smarter than me in some ways. And for him to come at me this way, I should really look at what he's saying.

I don't think I was addicted to Ayato. Not specifically. It was the affection and the love, the love I craved for nearly twenty-three years of my life. He had given it to me. I couldn't find it in my mother, my dead father, Hide and Touka...all this time I needed someone. I needed someone to need me. And Ayato had fit that bill beautifully. Never had I seen a more desperate looking person.

So we were both fucked up. There was nothing wrong with that. But...I couldn't ignore the truth. He was a drug addict, and to force myself into the position of his keeper was a bad idea from the start. Yet I couldn't regret anything. The only thing I would've changed was his abduction. That would be the only thing I would ever want to go back and fix. Which is why I felt I couldn't turn my back on him now, though he did the very exact thing to me.

He released my face and turned away from me. "I guess that's all I wanted to say."

I touched my lips. Maybe the kiss was only to show his concern. I had a feeling I would never truly know. "T-Thank you, Hide. I have a lot to think about."

"I have to tell Touka about him. You should go before that."

"Yeah," I sat up from the bed. "Yeah, you're right..."

As I left the apartment I pondered my next step. Now with Hide's words, it felt like every move I had made was a poor one. But I knew I couldn't abandon Ayato like this. Once I saw him in rehab, maybe I could start to let him go. First, I needed more answers. And I knew just who had them.

 

* * *

  

I bought myself a Beretta. It fit my hand nicely, and after I practiced shooting with the suppressor a few times I knew I was good to go.

If I thought about it, it was all Uta's fault. I'd never be in this situation if not for him...readying a weapon with intent to kill. Yet I knew I bore responsibility as well, and it felt heavier with the weight of the gun. If I somehow couldn't work up enough anger to actually go through with this, I'd be fucked. I wanted to be angry at him. I did. But I simply lacked the energy. I only wanted this part of my life to be over, Uta completely cut from it. If that meant his death...I had no choice. It was my only way out of Arima's hands.

_"Hello?"_

"Hey, Uta..."

_"Ayato? Are you alright? You're home?"_

"Yeah, yes. He um, he brought me home. But I'm not doing too well, I have to come see you. Now," I added needless urgency to my voice, fingering the trigger.

_"Please, come. It's good to hear your voice. I didn't know when I would see you again..."_

"You're alone, right?" I held my breath.

_"Yes."_

"Okay. I'm on my way."

This train ride felt especially long. Uch...premeditated murder was not something I wanted to add to my list of crimes, convicted or no. And certainly I would be looked at as a suspect, given my relationship to him. But Arima said he would take care of it. I'm sure he'll make sure Uta ends up missing rather than murdered. I trusted that in him...because his interests were intertwined. I didn't know what awaited me afterwards, but I was too focused on the present. I wondered if I could even pull the trigger on him, but another death on my hands wouldn't do much. I think I was too numb.

With the weapon in my waistband I approached the apartment door, knocking. Uta opened it promptly, rushing me inside. The door swung shut and he pulled me into a hug, exhaling sharply.

"I didn't know if you were coming back."

"I'm here," I pressed my face into his neck, leaving a kiss along the ink.

"There was nothing I could do," he pulled back. "Please forgive me."

There wasn't much emotion to his face. I never understood him, his actions and reactions. Perhaps he was nervous to see me, assuming Arima was still out for his blood. That would make it more interesting.

"I know," I blinked, nodding along. "I'm not angry."

"Your hair looks cute," he gave a sad smile before stepping back. "I want you to tell me what happened, Ay. It's important."

"Yeah, okay," I mumbled in agreement, walking over with him to the couch. I sat beside him, unable to make any eye contact.

"Just tell me he didn't touch you."

"No, no," I shook my head. "I didn't understand at first. I think the main reason he took me was to hurt you."

"He did. I care about you, Ayato...you have to believe that."

"I do," I pressed my lips together with the lie. "He brought me someplace...I don't know where. I had a bed. He injected me with drugs. A lot. I can't recall the timing perfectly. It must've been some kind of heroin...all I know is that I haven't used since Halloween and now I feel like if I don't get a hit right now I could peel off my skin."

"He works with scientists in Europe and South America. Definitely testing it on the average Japanese male."

"It was...still is the best thing I've ever felt."

"I know you didn't want this...don't want this. I'll help you in any way I can. If you need methadone or treatment-"

"He asked another thing of me."

"What?"

"To kill you."

His lips parted, starting to lean back and away from me. It looked as if he had already realized why I was here.

"And?"

"And I wished I was enough for him..." I shook my head, climbing over to him.

"Ayato-" he muttered my name underneath his breath, hands helping me onto his lap. "What are you doing?"

"What? I thought you missed me," I frowned, my grip sliding to his shoulders.

"I do, Ay," he pressed his forehead to mine. "I miss having you around all the fucking time."

I'm not sure if he ever saw me as a person. Everything was to entertain him, his game. I was another pawn, again. To use for whatever he might need at the time, and I had drugs in return. That's all it ever was for us. Looking at myself I realized I was just his whore.

"I miss fucking you," he whispered, sliding his fingers up the hem of my shorts. I was simply another piece of ass, easy to replace. Naturally Uta had a few more uses for me, but I wasn't equal to him. He had always looked down on me. How else could he have given me the drugs so consistently, knowing full well my heart could stop any minute?

I didn't need to justify my actions to anyone. Not even myself.

Laying my hands on his chest, I kissed him and told him I knew. It didn't take long for him to initiate a kiss after that, his mouth overwhelming mine. He cursed at my lips with a bite, like just kissing me was exhausting enough. As I pressed my mouth to his jaw, I handled the weapon, clicking off its safety.

"Don't move," I warned, using my right hand to press the gun under his chin.

Uta sighed, his inked hands not moving from my body. In fact, he tightened them.

"Really, Ay? You're going to pull the trigger on this?"

I lifted the cock of the gun with a click. "Get your hands off of me."

He raised his hands, palm forward. The moment I was about to climb off of him, there was a soft knock at his front door. I immediately brought my eyes to the entrance, my heartbeat kicking up.

"Who is that?" I whispered.

Uta shook his head, no information to give.

"Don't move or it's going in the back of your neck," I threatened, carefully stepping off his lap and dragging myself behind the couch. I was putting too much weight on my left foot, and the pain began to seep through. I had no choice but to push it aside.

The person knocked again. Uta did not move a muscle. Eventually the patron decided to let themselves in. I lifted the gun to the door, one hand curled around the other. Hopefully this person would just go away. Anyone who put themselves in my way with this would be extracted.

You could imagine my surprise when Kaneki walked through the door.

"Ken," I immediately lowered the gun at the sight of white hair, uncocking it.

He didn't say anything at first. He looked between Uta and myself, not a shred of emotion on his face. Without glancing back he clicked the lock behind him. He took the first step towards me, and now I could see the clear disdain in his eyes. It wasn't long before he was in front of me, essentially ignoring the man on the couch.

"What. Are you doing," he spoke through his teeth, his face close as to not raise his voice.

"You should get out of here before you get hurt."

Kaneki clicked his tongue. Now I could see the thick purple circles under his eyes, the unusual paleness of his skin. Disdain and disappointment had faded and were replaced by disgust. He curled his hand around the back of my neck tightly, forcing me into the next room. I couldn't even protest, he was too strong.

"You're fucking hurting me!" I swatted his arm away with all my strength, my foot starting to shake underneath me a bit. I winced from the pain. "Fuck."

"Answer me now."

"What are you even doing here?" I hissed, lifting the gun to the back of Uta's head. I might've been standing in the kitchen but I still had a clear shot.

"Came to see Uta. I was so worried about you that I was going to squeeze out all the information he had."

"Fuck," I cursed again, not taking my eyes off the target. "Get out of here, Ken. This is something I need to do."

"You're not killing anybody," he told me with certainty.

"The man who took me," I began, figuring it'd be easy to pull on his heartstrings. "He wants me to do this. It's going to guarantee my safety. If I disappoint him in any way it will not end well, Kaneki. I mean, look at my fucking leg."

"He did that to you...?" I could feel him eyeing the boot.

"Yeah. He set a bomb in the shop. It didn't matter if he killed three innocent people in the process. This one's not so innocent."

"That doesn't mean he deserves to be gunned down like a dog."

"Strange," I shot poisoned eyes at him. "I thought you'd be more open to the idea."

"I won't pretend like I haven't played out all the ways I wanted to kill him in my head. But you're my concern, Ayato. I never wanted this for you."

My jaw began to tremble, prompting me to tense it. Another quiet curse escaped my lips.

"I don't think you're even capable of doing this. Deep down, you know that."

Without another thought I crossed the room and cocked the gun yet again, placing it between his eyes. Kaneki did not move this time.

"He's right..." Uta muttered in agreement. "You'll never be able to kill me. I know you too well, Ayato-chan."

"Shut up!" I shouted, my body beginning to quake itself. The metal shook in my hand as I choked back tears. Kaneki...why did he always have to come in and fucking unravel everything?! I let out a shout through my teeth from the sheer frustration.

"You're not a killer like Arima. You want to impress him that badly?"

"N-No...I want-"

"You don't even know."

"I know what I have to do," a single tear fell down my cheek.

"What would Hikari think, hm? What would she think to see her son standing where he is?" He asked, his head tilting a bit.

At the remembrance of my mother my heart immediately cramped, knocking the air from me. I hid behind my non-armed hand, letting the tears fall. They ran down my hand and hit the floor, warm and steady.

"I don't think she'd be too happy with you, Ayato-chan. I don't think she wants to see you hurt anyone else."

"Don't fucking talk about my mother," I grabbed his shirt, my teeth gritting as I pressed the barrel to his forehead.

"Fuck you," he spat. "I was there for you. I gave you whatever you needed. But nothing's ever enough for you. You're a fucking black hole. Just a stupid bitch who can't even make his own decisions."

I lifted the gun to crack the butt against his face, but I was shaking too much to bring it down. Looking into his eyes now, I could see he did believe he was superior. Oh, I had the will. I just lacked everything else. His smile grew.

"Even Kaneki doesn't want to deal with you anymore. He sees you for the worthless slut you are. A junkie," he shook his head. "You make me sick. No mother deserved to die in place of you."

I felt his hand brush against mine, a certain warmth that I recognized too well. Kaneki had walked over, decisive in his path. The gun was no longer in my hands, my grip was pathetic anyway. Without hesitation he lifted the gun to Uta's head and pulled the trigger.

The shot was silenced and discreet, unlike the mist of blood that had showered both of us.

I screamed, I screamed as loud as I ever had in my entire life, even after the explosion. My body rejected this, immediately toppling to the ground. The organ in my chest rattled, beating irregular as I looked at Uta. His eyes and mouth were still open, his fatal and fresh wound leaking red. I immediately hunched over and puked, my stomach churning painfully. It was mainly just water and acid, I hadn't eaten anything in a couple of days. After my episode I wiped off my mouth, unable to stand.

He...He didn't even flinch. His expression had been clear, maybe a bit angry. But clear. He knew exactly what he was doing and what he had done. And it was all for me.

"Here," he set the gun down and helped me to my feet. After that he eased my arm around his neck, lifting me off the ground. He carried me back into the kitchen, sitting me down at the table. The tears had never stopped for me. Only now I began to bawl.

"K-Kaneki..."

He set down a glass of water in front of me.

"You're dehydrated. Drink all of it."

I was in no place not to listen. I picked up the glass and chugged the cool water before sipping on it slowly just to catch my breath.

"Kaneki," I shook my head back and forth. "That...That wasn't meant for you! I never wanted you to fucking do that! Do you even know what you've done, you stupid fuck?!"

I swatted the empty cup of water in retaliation. It fell against the wood, but did not shatter.

"I saved you from doing something you'd never be able to do. A minute longer he would've had you turn the gun on yourself."

How was he so calm? How could he sit here, looking at me from across the table like this was a casual fucking brunch?

"That's not-"

"Yes it is," he smacked the table once, startling me. "He had mastered the art of manipulating you. The drugs, your relationship to him...all along he knew you wouldn't be able to go through with it. And I'm sure the man who asked you to do this was aware of that as well."

"I didn't want you cleaning up this mess!" I shouted, pushing the table with both my weak hands. It only skidded an inch.

"It was as much your mess as mine."

"Are you delusional?!"

"Are you?!" He shouted back, his face going a bit red. "I love you, you fucking idiot! Your pain is mine. Your messes are mine. And I would kill him a thousand times over again if it meant protecting you."

Suddenly...I had nothing to say. He said it all, didn't he? I dropped my head against the table and sobbed some more, Kaneki taking to rubbing my back.

"Thank you," I exhaled quickly. I wouldn't thank him again for this. I already wanted to forget.

"I'm sorry, Ayato-kun."

"You're better than all of this, and you know it..." I mumbled. "Can't you see I've ruined you?"

"You don't even know what you're saying right now. Let's just deal with the rest of this and go home."

"Okay," I nodded, reaching for my phone to dial Arima.

 

* * *

  

He arrived with his lackeys in under twenty minutes. Kaneki held onto the gun and my hand as we waited in the kitchen.

"That's him...?" Kaneki asked, looking over his shoulder to Arima.

"Yeah."

I could see the malice burning in his eyes. Luckily for us, he wasn't stupid enough to get us both killed.

"I'll bet you always get the boys to do your dirty work, huh, Kirishima?" The woman asked with a wiggle of her brows.

Kaneki immediately faced Ihei, leaving the gun on the table. Their faces were so close it looked intimate.

"Leave him alone. Don't even fucking look at him."

Ui pulled his weapon on Kaneki, but Arima had him stand down with a touch to his shoulder. Ihei had also backed down, physically retreating. Kaneki returned to his seat and placed his hand in mine again.

"Well, the job is done," Arima stated, standing before us. "But it didn't quite turn out the way I'd hoped."

"Hoped?" Kaneki repeated with disbelief. "What more could you possibly want?"

"I _wanted_ Ayato," he answered him. "I thought he'd have the strength to do this."

"No," Kaneki shook his head. "He had the strength _not_ to do this."

"I suppose that's one way of looking at it," a smile twitched on his lips as he laid his hand over Kaneki's, over the one that held the gun to the table. His other hand tightened around mine. He'd be a fool not to be scared of Arima. "But now you've interfered a series of events I set in motion. What are we going to do about that, Kaneki Ken?"

"You got what you wanted," he still hadn't broke eye contact. "I have nothing else to give you."

"Are we so certain?" He rose a brow, lifting his own weapon. He pressed the barrel of his glock to Kaneki's left eye. "There must be something of yours I can take."

Kaneki didn't move a hair, his jaw clenching as he continued his stare-down.

"Arima, please," I shot up from my chair. Already the other guns were turned on me. "I'm sorry...I know I disappointed you. If there's anyone you're going to hurt, let it be me. Please, please, let him go."

"You were going to make a fine addition, Kirishima," Arima almost frowned, lowering the gun. "How sad it had to end this way."

"It is sad," Ihei agreed with a shrug. "But also a nice story...don't you think?"

"Of course," Ui shrugged. "I wish I had someone that would kill for me."

"I suppose I should thank you," Arima finally backed off of Kaneki. "But I won't be rewarding you. Either of you."

"I think all we want is our lives..." I mumbled under my breath.

"And you'll have it," Arima confirmed with a nod. "Now get out. Both of you. Before I change my mind and kill you in front of each other."

 

* * *

 

Upon arriving home we both took showers, cleansing the blood and tears. We met back on the couch, both of us smoking cigarettes in silence.

"We'll have to leave, you know," I told him.

"I know," he nodded, his voice a mere rasp. "You're going to rehab. I'm going to New York."

"New York?" I repeated, shaking my head. "Like, America?"

"There's a job waiting for me. I'm going to take it," he exhaled smoke, moonlight shading his profile.

This is what I wanted, right? For him to move on with his own life, because I was never good enough in the first place. But I didn't want him to move to the other side of the world. I didn't want to never see him again. Yet the guilt kept laying itself on my shoulders, heavier each time I looked at him. He was a killer now because of me. Like my mother, I could never fix that or make it right. I accepted that. Now.

"What kind of job...?" I asked out of curiosity.

"It's for a magazine."

I guess he didn't feel like sharing the details with me. That was fine, because I had left out quite a few details with him.

"I'll...I'll go."

There was simply no room to argue this time. Not after what he had just done for me.

"I'll take you tomorrow. For now...let's just..." His head soon fell in his hands, the cigarette in his fingers falling to the floor.

I slid over to him. "Kaneki, I'm sorry. I never wanted to hurt you-"

"Please," he exhaled without looking up. "Stop talking."

I didn't say another word to him. He slept on the couch that night.

 

* * *

 

There was no point in looking back. Wondering if I made the right choice, if he even deserved to die. It didn't matter anymore. I was willing to sacrifice a piece of myself for Ayato. And now that I had given him all that I possibly could, it was time for us to part ways. Maybe I would see him again. I hoped to.

In the end, words were meaningless. Powerful, but ultimately meaningless. Any and every accomplishment is achieved by acting. So I acted. I made my choice, to use Ayato's words.

And as I watched him die, I realized nothing would come after this. I never considered myself nihilistic, yet I knew nothing would come after Kirishima Ayato. Not that anything or anyone would compare. The most beautiful and horrible thing to ever happen to me. Admittedly, I wasn't thinking the nicest thoughts. He was a liar, a troublemaker, an addict. The only reason why I was here in the first place. This could've been avoided. I could've heeded my many warnings. From Touka, Nishiki, Hide, Naki, Hinami and even Uta- they all warned me in their own way, even if they weren't doing it explicitly. Some were. But hindsight was always clear, and I wouldn't trade him in for that single night of hell. I had been warned and it wasn't enough for me, and it still wasn't now. I'm not as smart as everyone thinks. I'm not as nice either. When the time comes to protect someone I care about, I will become unrecognizable.

"I'll let everyone know where you are," I confirmed as I parked outside the pavilion.

"Thanks," he exhaled once, breathless now just looking upon the building. I laid my hand over his.

"You're building it up, Ayato. You'll be fine. I promise you."

" _Kaneki_ ," he whimpered once, turning to me and pulling me by my collar into a kiss. We both faded into the act, my hands tight in his choppy hair. It was sweet and slow. Both of us ended up pulling back to see tear-stained cheeks. "I'm scared. I'm so scared without you. I don't even know if I can-"

"You call me whenever you can. Write me. I'm always here for you. Even if we're not together, not in the same country. I will take care of you, Kirishima. That I promise."

"You always have," he shook his head, leaning in. I pressed a kiss to his forehead.

"Come."

I retrieved his bag from the trunk, gently placing it on his shoulder.

"It's probably best I go in myself," he nodded.

"Don't forget to tell them everything about your leg, okay?"

"I know."

"I'm serious, Ayato. Those bandages need to be changed often and I'll be damned if you let that get infected."

"I won't, Kaneki," he smiled.

"Okay. Good."

We looked at each other for a few moments, boring holes into one another. In that deep shade of blue I could see something had shifted. When I first met Ayato the way he presented himself was cause for concern, just by the sheer sadness in his eyes. And though they were dark, stricken, tired- he looked at ease. Though he was the thinnest I'd ever seen him, pale and lithe- he looked ready. Ready for change. We both were.

We both went for a hug at the same time, arms tight around one another.

"Oh, God," he held onto my back for dear life. "God, I fucking owe you, Kaneki. When I get out of here I'm coming right to you."

"Sure," I smiled, skimming my fingers through his hair. "I'll be waiting."

"You fucking better."

With that Ayato quickly turned, not wanting to share that one last painful glance. As I watched him disappear behind the hospital doors, I felt I could finally breathe. I twisted the ring on my right hand.

"Watch out for him, Hikari."

 

* * *

 

The next day was my birthday. I had turned twenty-three, and my present was a free first class flight to New York with plenty of free whiskey sours to numb the pain and drown out Shuu's voice. Touka and Hide weren't happy I was leaving so soon. After I told them about Ayato they insisted I stay so we could all celebrate together. Truthfully it was hard to stay in Japan without thinking of my incident of cold-blooded murder. I still didn't regret a thing, and that was something I had to remind myself. Because I felt the blood on my hands. At the same time, Ayato and I were both exactly where we were supposed to be. He would write me often in New York. He said he didn't call because of the extra charge, but I figured he didn't want to hear my voice. He said he had made a friend in there, that mostly everyone was nice. He also said they put him on a mixture of anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications, which made him feel like a walking husk. He said he smashed the mirror in his room and cut himself with the pieces just to feel something again. He said he missed me, he thought about me every day. He said he had only me to thank for his life.

       

        _Ken,_

_Everything you've ever done for me was a gift I didn't deserve. I want to apologize for every mistake I've made with you, but I don't know what good it would do. I thought I was doing better. I was for a while. But they're moving me to another hospital now, and they'll say I'll probably be another three months. My therapist doesn't want me to write you anymore. She thinks I need to let you go. I told her she's a stupid gash._

_Unfortunately they're taking away my communication with the outside world privileges, so you may not hear from me for a while. But know that I'm thinking of you. Know that I'm grateful. I'll see you soon._

_Yours,  
         Ayato_


	21. Rio

"Kaneki-san?"

"One minute please, just one minute," I held up my hand, trying to finish the email I was sending out.

"Shuu said it's urgent. Like pick up the phone right now urgent."

"Fine," I pulled my glasses off with one hand and picked up the phone with the other. "Yes, Tsukiyama-san?"

"It's bad, Kaneki-kun. Very bad. I picked up this month's issue and started flipping through. I was reading the segment we had on when it's appropriate to mismatch accessories and I found a typo. One of the 'of's is an 'if'."

I sighed, resting my hand on my brow. "Did you check the other copies there? To make sure it wasn't just the printer?"

"There are no other copies. Sold out," he sounded pleased about that.

"It was probably just the printer. I've been doing this for almost three years and I've never missed a thing."

"I hope so. For your sake, Kaneki-kun."

"Mm. It's hard for me to keep up with typos and misprints when I'm basically running the office."

"I told you I'd be busy this week! Don't worry, I bought you some things on my venture. Meet me at the coffee shop on fifth in thirty minutes."

"Alright boss."

"Ta."

I hung up the phone, exhaling and placing my glasses back on. I finished up the email to Vogue and sent it off.

"Mr. Kaneki?" One of my assistants poked his head through the door.

Tsukiyama found it necessary I had two. Karren, a cousin of his, a tall girl with short purple hair and a thick brow. Then there was Ray, an ex-model with an untimely hip injury. He was your typical blonde catalogue model, beautiful in a boring way.

"Yes?" I looked up from my computer.

"One of the photographer's assistants dropped a light on Lila's foot. She is completely freaking out and is demanding you personally," his blue eyes were wide with distress.

"I'll relieve you," I rose from my desk. "Just remember to drop off the drafts at my apartment, I won't be there later. And if you could water the plants again."

"Of course, sir. Thank you," he hurried off.

I took my coat and gloves, heading for the door. I'd just have to stop at the shoot on my way down. Things like this happened fifty times a day. So I was busy, which was more than good for me. I walked down the long halls, most walls transparent or white. Like Shuu's apartment the office was clean, filled with white furniture and white marble floors. The walls were covered by different issues, popular photo shoots and columns. It was usually bustling, and today was no different. Everyone made sure to say hello to me when I passed by them. Some of the Americans couldn't pronounce my name correctly so they would just call me Mr. Ken. I'd been in a place of power for some time now but I really felt no different than the average employee. I was usually exhausted.

I entered the studio room, to find the model in her underwear with her foot elevated. The assistant stood beside her, a sad-looking man. I approached the two, Lila with a permanent scowl etched on her lips. She was one of our top models, not to mention her father was an investor. It usually laid on me to settle her petty disputes. She was a thin girl who stood an inch taller than me, with short orange hair and mossy eyes.

"Ken," she pouted upon seeing me. "Would you look at it? I can't believe no one has tended to me yet."

"Of course, Lila," I set my coat down and walked over to her, examining her left foot. It was a bit red around the ankle, the skin chafed where she was hit. I ran my thumb over the cut. "It can't hurt that bad, dear."

"This man needs some sort of punishment. Butterfingers over here could've taken off one of my toes if he hit it right," she gave a toss of her hair.

I sighed. "Can you stand?"

She shrugged, offering her hand with a smile. I returned the gesture and eased her out of the chair. She accidentally on purpose stumbled into me, so I caught her in my arms. Wouldn't be the first time she's done something like this. She was, uh...fond of me.

"Oops," she looked up at me. I shook my head at her and brought her to her feet.

"You're fine, Lila. I have to go now."

"Won't he be punished? I want him on leave until he learns his job."

"You have my word," I responded to her in Japanese, easily swayed by the words of a foreign language. She giggled and kissed the corner of my mouth.

"Thank you, Ken doll," she strutted off.

I hated when she called me that.

"Come," I spoke to the man, waving him over and walking beside him to the door. "Right now, pretend I'm lecturing you. Pretend you're learning something. Pretend I'm going to punish you. In all honesty, you should just be a bit more careful. Especially around these models who think they're invincible super humans. Go home for the day. Come back tomorrow, alright?"

"Y-Yes, thank you, Mr. Ken," he tipped his head as we reached the exit. I left the building and hailed myself a cab.

 

* * *

 

"Hello," Shuu greeted me with a kiss on the cheek. He was settled at a table outside, his magazine resting on top along with two cups of coffee.

"How are we doing today?" I asked, wind picking up as I reached for my pack of cigarettes.

"Excellent. Turns out the typo was a misprint. Sorry for the meltdown."

"Quite used to it, I assure you."

"No doubt," he chuckled as I lit one up. Exhaling smoke, I reached for my cup. "So here's some stuff. You know, ties, belts, blazers. That kinda thing. There was a sale I couldn't resist. Plus, you're going to need a good outfit for tonight."

"Oh, am I?"

I was looking forward to staying in tonight. My apartment was nice and so was the weather. I wanted to read and fall into a 20 hour-long sleep.

"Yes. You, me, Kamishiro. Eto is visiting Rize so she should be coming, too."

It was just the three of us here. Rize had a job as a stylist for the magazine. Sometimes she'd fly out some of her old friends when she grew tired of her acquaintances.

"I really wasn't interested in going out tonight, Tsukiyama-san. I'm exhausted," I took another drag, waiting for him to convince me to come along.

He pulled a small piece of paper from his jacket and slid it over the table to me. It was a mini pamphlet, of thick black paper. The front was blank. As I opened the pages, inside resided an address in thick white lettering.

"It's a gallery showing."

"Art," I muttered, unimpressed. Looking at the lower right corner there was a list of names. Michael Jarr, Sydney Katen, Ayato Kirishima, Dylan Klovski, Maria-

I stared at his name, blinking a few times. I shot my gaze up to Shuu, who was smiling all the while.

"Looks like Ayato-kun has made a name for himself."

"This..." I flipped the paper over for more information, but it was blank. "This...is real? Ayato is here? Or...he'll be there?"

"Yeah," he nodded. "He should be."

All I could do was release a breath, bringing the cigarette to my lips. "I haven't heard from him since his last letter from rehab."

"That was what, three years ago?"

"Almost exactly," I mumbled. It was the 18th. Nearly my birthday again. But this time I would be twenty-six, and that would make him...twenty-one. God. I still remember what it was like to be with him, to be younger and less concerned.

"Here, Kaneki-kun," Tsukiyama handed me a few tissues. I looked up at him confused, but then realized tears were running down my cheeks, cool from the weather. I dreaded Decembers now.

"Thank you," I took the paper and removed my glasses, wiping my eyes.

From what I heard from Touka, Ayato had been in treatment for nearly seven months. He moved to a halfway house in Ireland afterwards, and he had been supposedly living in the UK these past three years. I say supposedly because the first thing I did when I heard he had gotten out was call him. Disconnected number. I sent him emails that doubtfully had ever been opened. I looked him up over there, and even considered buying a plane ticket and knocking on every goddamn halfway house in the country. Once it had been a year since we separated, Touka told me to let him go. For good. I hadn't looked him up for two years, figuring he had moved on with his life and was in a good place. Touka said that I would only remind him of the extreme pain from that time. And I couldn't disagree. So I'd given up. I said I would take care of him, and I did. He grew into the person he was meant to be- even if I would never get the chance to meet that person. So yes, I had let go of Ayato.

Every time I had sex with someone I would see his face behind my closed eyes. It was pure torture, and I hadn't been in a relationship since discovering that. I let go but I never really moved on. I told myself I had, but I still wanted him next to me every night. I wanted him to call me an idiot and let me plait his hair. I just wanted him. I always had, but I chose to ignore it. Work kept me plenty busy. I didn't care about relationships. If I needed to get laid I'd have to get intoxicated before calling over a male model or two. I tried not to think past the present anymore. It only hurt me further. But I knew this day was coming. I knew he couldn't stay lost forever.

"Holy fucking shit."

"I know," Shuu nodded in agreement.

"I...how...am I even ready...?"

"You're three years ready, Kaneki-kun. The car will come for you at 21:00."

"Okay," I nodded, finally allowing myself to smile.

 

* * *

 

All these fucking clothes and nothing to wear. After rifling through my closet thirteen times, I had finally laid out an outfit. I had plenty of suits that had been given to me as a gift from Dior. I picked the dark navy pinstripe pants, along with a white button down and tie. As I shrugged on my non-designer oversized coat I experienced a sudden wave of nausea. The night was here and I would see Ayato soon. Very soon. I fell back onto my bed, remembering my brush with Arima, the recoil of the Beretta. I can't say I ever once felt guilty for what I did, for killing another human being. That was what kept me up at night.

Is it possible that he decided he was angry with me? That maybe he really did love Uta and I was the monster who killed him. Maybe I was his mistake. The more these new thoughts protruded through my brain the more sick I felt.

I swallowed some whiskey to loosen up before I left for the gallery.

Freezing outside, I pulled on my gloves before opening up the door to the town car. Though I expected a full house, Eto sat on the left hand side staring intently out the window.

"Kaneki-kun," she turned to greet me with a smile. "Get in."

I entered the car and shut the door. "It's nice to see you again."

"Certainly," she eyed me before glancing out the window. She was wearing a simple white dress with a deep cut in the back. Not buckled in, she scooted beside me and tucked her arm under mine. "And how have you been doing?"

"I'm okay," I nodded. "I read your last book. Switched publishers?"

"Yeah. What did you think?"

"Dark as ever," I grimaced. "I enjoy your writing."

"I've read some of your occasional columns as well. Not so bad. I'd like to see more from you," she laid her other hand over my thigh.

"No...doubtful I could write any cohesive fiction. I'll leave that to you," I glanced out the window, at a standstill from traffic.

"Someone who's experienced the things you have, surely you've got something in there."

"And what do you know about what I've experienced...?" I glanced back at her.

She shrugged, not shying away. "I can see it in your eyes, Kaneki-kun."

"Probably just exhaustion," I reassured her with a smile. "You don't see anything."

"Whatever you say, love," she took to switching the subject. "You look especially nice tonight. Excited to see Ayato-kun, hm? I haven't seen him since I was last in London on business."

"London?" My eyes widened, soon finding the window again. Snow began to flake, crystallizing against the window.

"Yeah. He was there for a bit."

"When was this?"

"Few months, give or take. He had a big strapping Irishman with him, too. He's definitely doing good."

"A boyfriend?" I pursed my lips.

Eto nodded. "He said so."

It was difficult to swallow. Ayato moving forward with his life and relationships, probably finding the sexiest men all over Europe.

"I know that you two were solid at one point."

"Seemed like it. But not quite," I shook my head.

"Ayato-kun has been a good friend of mine for a while," Eto leaned in a bit, her hand sliding down my chest. "But if you ever need someone, I think you'd see I'd be a good friend to you, too."

I inhaled, nodding. "I appreciate your subtlety, Eto-san. I'll remember that."

"You'd take care to."

 

* * *

  

We arrived at the gallery about ten minutes later. Inside laid a glossy open room, each wall hung with an individual piece of art. And not only were there illustrations, but also sculptures on display. Of realism and abstract colorful concepts, I found all of this overwhelming. A small flight of stairs led to an upper balcony, not much higher than the ground level. It seemed there were other rooms with exhibits in the back as well, along with tables for food and drinks. Tolerable music poured from the speakers, most of the gallery dimly lit to truly exhibit the pieces. Under the incandescent light I shifted on my feet, a bit startled when an employee asked for my coat. I removed coat and gloves, already feeling a little lighter.

"I'll come find you later," Eto brushed my arm with her hand, walking off. I decided to grab a glass of champagne just to fixate on something. In my solitude I pushed through the filled gallery, making my way to the back.

I found a piece that lacked any clamor about it. It was a photograph, the outside of a depressing-looking warehouse in front of a sunset. I sipped on the bubbles, soon bombarded by my coworkers.

"Kaneki-kun," Rize pulled me into a hug, smelling of and sporting Chanel. Her dress hung low on her shoulders, a deep purple color that offset her hair. Tsukiyama had gone more muted tonight, a black and white suit with studded loafers.

"Good evening to you two."

"Come, I want to show you my favorite."

Rize brought the both of us back around the front, the two main pieces that were surrounded by onlookers. She pointed out the oil painting on the left, a horizontal setting of still life. A vase full of red roses. It had composure and color appeal, but generally kept me disinterested. I glanced to the painting on the right. It was a darker illustration, a thin man's fingers delving into his skin, he looked to be tearing himself apart. It was mostly a color splash of red, blood and organs. The colors of the skin were more desaturated. It contrasted with its light background, and caught my eye due to the use of red, the desperation in the expression.

"This one is nice," one critique in front of me spoke to his friend, gesturing to the roses. "That one is scary. What kind of fucked up mind did that one come from?"

I pushed past the spectators yet again to reach the wall. Surely enough it read Ayato Kirishima, for the price of 3,000 U.S. dollars. 'P. 06' he titled it. I wondered if all his pieces were untitled, and just numbered. Just as I was examining closer an employee walked over, smoothing a small and circular red sticker over the plate. Someone bought it. I smiled, turning away from the art.

"Good stuff, huh?" Rize asked with a smile.

"It's Ayato's, alright," I nodded.

"Still haven't seen him," she sighed, looking to Shuu. "Neither of us have."

"That's fine. I'd like to look around some more, anyway."

I headed back to the second floor to look for more of Ayato's work. I found another surrounded illustration, this one only of ink. Something I could easily recognize as his. A lone woman with dark hair in a white dress, seeming to be standing on water given the reflection underneath her. The lines were fluid and I would dare say perfect. He had definitely improved. With no blood and no apparent darkness, I found the illustration to be soothing to look at. 'I. 83', already purchased for 800 dollars.

More people were arriving, making it more difficult to actually look at any pieces. So I headed to the food table to retrieve my third glass of champagne. After sipping on it a little I turned around, leaning against the railings and finding another painting. A blossomed marigold, leaking congealed blood from its core. The blood wasn't red, but black. Maybe it wasn't blood at all. I wanted to ask him myself. I was surprised to see a more colorful painting, one with gold and yellow and deep blues and violets.

"This one's yours, isn't it?" An unfamiliar voice passed by me.

"Yeah. Come, I'll show you."

...that one sounded more familiar. In an instant my stomach had dropped. Ayato was standing at the back of the spectators with a woman, no more than four feet away. Or...at least I thought it was him. I did hear his voice, but the figure I saw was one I didn't recognize. He was taller now, maybe even reached my height. Broader as well, in his shoulders and down his torso. He was...fit. As hell. Even clad in his clothes I could see that from here. He wore a long black cardigan, loose dark jeans ripped and torn at the knee. There were black Martens on his feet and a thick belt at his waist, its buckle heavy with silver. The silver in his ears caught the light as he turned his head, laughing with the girl. He swept a piece of hair behind his ear, long as his neck and feathered with white blonde streaks that somehow didn't look tacky at all. I could also see he was favoring his right leg, conscious not to put too much weight on his left.

As he spoke to the woman I watched him lean in to whisper something in her ear, intimately laying a hand on her waist. They were both laughing again as he pulled back a bit, still close in proximity. Overwhelmed with envy and general emotion, I fled the second floor and headed out the front door.

 

* * *

 

Outside the snow had ceased. I pulled on my gloves and brought a cigarette to my lips, lighting and inhaling the poison. My heart was thundering, only to be startled further by a homeless man asking for a cigarette of mine.

"Yeah, yeah, sure," I shoved the cigarette in his hand and hid my face thereafter, taking off my glasses and tucking them away. The champagne had already given me a headache, and seeing Ayato was no help.

"Got a light?"

"Really?" I groaned, digging into my pocket. My head pounded with pure anxiety, the annoyance settling in my voice. "It's always fucking something..."

I looked up and found myself handing the lighter to Ayato, who was looking down on me by a quarter of an inch. A smile stretched his lips and met his eyes, his clear midnight eyes- free of stress and deprivation. I just stared for a moment, taking in the cold air and the reality that he was in front of me again. I looked to his lips, down his neck. The shirt underneath his sweater was cut low and thin. I quickly looked away from his toned chest as he laughed and retrieved a cigarette.

"Cat got your tongue, huh?"

"You..." I exhaled, watching him spark the end. "...you look amazing."

His face softened and he laid his hand on my shoulder, squeezing. "Thanks, Ken doll. Years have been kind to you, too."

"Years," I repeated, lacking oxygen.

"Yeah..." Ayato frowned, exhaling smoke. "I see you picked up my habit."

"Oh," I glanced to the cigarette between my fingers. "Not intentionally."

"I thought next time I'd see you you'd be back to black," his fingers grazed my cheek, the hair at the side of my face. His skin was still cool against mine.

"Shuu thought I should keep it."

"Glad you did. I always liked it," his lips closed around the cigarette. I myself exhaled, clearing my throat. We had to begin with small talk...right? That was the only way. Still, looking at him didn't allow my heart to rest.

"A-And I like yours, too! The streaks."

"Thanks," he repeated, glancing down before taking a step closer. "There's really no good place for us to pick up, is there?"

"I don't think so," I shook my head.

"I know," he sucked his teeth, dropping the cigarette and crushing the ember under his boot. "What I do know is we should definitely get some alcohol."

"Agreed," I mumbled.

"They only have that weak ass champagne in there," he sighed, heading back for the door. "But after this I'll take you out and we can catch up. I-If you'd want to, of course."

As I watched Ayato trip over his words the pressure released in my chest. I smiled.

"I want to."

"Great," he nodded, looking unsure for a moment. He began to fiddle with his bangs. "Hey, stay with me in there, alright? I, uh...wow...I just wasn't expecting to see you tonight."

I was expecting to see him, and I was also caught off guard. Nothing could've prepared for this.

"I hope I didn't overstep in any way..."

"Don't be an idiot," he rolled his eyes, pulling on my arm. "I wanna show you my stuff."

 

* * *

 

I walked back inside with him. I felt numerous eyes on us, suddenly shrinking beside him.

"I really hate when it gets crowded," he frowned in my direction, taking my hand as to not lose me in the wave of people. "Come on."

I could get caught up in this surreal mess, bring all of my attention to the way his skin felt against mine or how gorgeous he looked. I couldn't help but wonder if he was unavailable or not. As expected, to see him only reminded me of the love I have, always have had for him. I looked to our hands as he pulled me along, his rings digging into my skin. I used to always hate that but now it was familiar and right. If it came down to it, would I be able to let him go again?

"So yeah, I have three pieces here," we stood in front of the marigold painting I had seen earlier. 'P. 15' had already sold for 2,000 dollars.

"When we were-" dating. I almost said the word, almost needlessly reminding him of the past I'm sure he didn't want to remember. I started over, picking my words more cautiously. "I just remember you were pretty strict with the ink. Never saw any paintings from you."

"Because it's fucking hard," he chuckled.

"Oil?"

"And a bit of acrylic."

"Is that blood? Coming from the flower?"

"I'm not sure," he shrugged. "Some sort of darkness, maybe. I'll be perfectly honest with you. Usually the pieces don't have a meaning for me. Maybe subconsciously. But I just bang out whatever I can so I can sell it overpriced to these foreigners."

"It's not overpriced," I shook my head. "It's worth every penny. It's your art, only you can decide what it's worth."

"I'm not too good at determining something's worth," he responded with a sad smile, and I had a sense he wasn't talking about the paintings.

"You're doing okay," I nodded. "People are buying them, aren't they?"

"Yeah. Mostly women. It's pretty easy to woo them."

"For you, yeah," I shook my head again, laughing. "You don't exactly have to put in much effort."

"I uh, figured that's why you ran out of here. Saw me talking with one of my patrons."

"Yeah, yeah, I guess that's what happened," I looked to the painting. "I should've been able to put it together myself. That you only wanted her to buy your art."

"And she did," he had a light sigh. "It's just more money to spend on you, hm?"

"I'm sorry I ran," I sputtered, facing him. "I don't think I've ever been this nervous in my entire life."

"You think I can't see that?" He lifted a brow. "It's just me, Kaneki. There's no reason for that."

How easy for him to say. He was the one who went silent for three years.

"Right," was all I could muster up, unable to look at the grim painting or his face. I stared at my overpriced shoes.

"Have you seen the heart?" He asked, his voice lightening.

I peered up, shaking my head.

"It's in the back," he motioned for me to follow along. He took my hand again and led me back down the stairs. I shut my eyes as we sifted through the crowd, heading to one of the doorless rooms in the back.

"Good," he sighed, releasing my hand. "It's empty."

"Oh wow."

The heart was a large hollow sculpture, nearly reaching the high ceiling. Not only was it tall but wide, crafted from thick ceramic. It was a human heart, its walls a deep red and its arteries thick and blue. It was borderline abstract, wider than a heart should be but I still recognized what it was.

"Cool, huh?"

"Never really seen anything like it."

"Come look inside."

"Inside...?"

I followed him around the back of the organ to see there was a small passageway, covered by red curtains. Ayato crawled in without word and I proceeded him.

"Holy shit," once through I immediately sat down on lush carpeting.

The heart was a small rounded room split into two sides. Up the left wall projected soft purple and pink fluorescents, with a seating area made of bountiful pillows. Different shapes and sizes, already worn down and tossed about by other visitors. The right side was certainly darker, its walls projected with thin white lighting. There were no pillows but small rounded chairs and a table. So it was a resting area, complete with empty champagne glasses and other people's litter. It remained dim inside, however. It was completely silent along with a subtle scent of something herbal. It looked larger on the outside than it did on the inside. Maybe five people could fit. But its ceiling was certainly high, the soft lights fading up the walls and turning into complete darkness. It was unnerving to look up. Though interesting, I couldn't say I understood the concept.

Ayato walked over to the pillows and dropped, lounging across its width.

"Apparently one side is willingness, the other willfulness. One side is comfortable, the other less so. You're either willing and prepared for something, or you're willful and stubborn about it. I guess it kind of makes sense. Eh, not really. I like the lights, though."

"I like it," I nodded, looking across the room before joining him on the pillows, sitting up against the wall. "But I would say I'm composed of more than willingness and willfulness."

"Who knows?" He sighed, looking to the other side and its row of lights. Lit under the soft colors I stared at him. I didn't think it was even possible for him to look better than he did. He really had filled out, and I could see that laying next to him he had much more muscle than he used to. His face was fuller as well, the line of his jaw sharp. As I peered to his lips I wondered if he still had that piercing...

He glanced to me to catch me in my gawking. How familiar that felt.

"What is it?"

"You've gained a lot of weight."

"Yeah," he adjusted his position and sat up to my level. "I always had a weird appetite. And of course I was using. I mean, I'm still pretty skinny. Just less...sickly. I exercised a lot in treatment. Well, except for my foot. Yeah I had a pretty skinny left leg for a while but it's fine now, don't worry."

As he smirked at me I bit on my tongue. "I'll bet. You're tall, too. Didn't think you'd pass me."

"Eh, not by much," he shrugged.

"How is your foot?"

"Good. As healed as it ever will be. Skin's a little thin, nerves are completely shocked. Yeah don't feel much of anything down there. Few of my toes are a bit crooked. But it's not too ugly. God, you should've seen it," he shuddered, flexing his left foot. "It was totally cleared of skin. Just a red, bloody, stringy, boney mess. All the way up to my ankle. I thought I was done for."

I listened to those four sentences with extreme care. He had never spoken a word to me about his experience with the bombing, the kidnapping. We never even had a chance to speak of that day.

"That's fucking gruesome...I'm glad it's healed."

"Oh yeah, it's fine. I mean, I won't be the world's next top marathon runner but that's okay."

I chuckled. "I'll say so."

"If not for Yomo-san I'd definitely be a cripple."

"Oh," I exhaled, remembering the quiet silver-haired man. He was certainly a friend to Uta. "He healed you?"

"Yeah. He's a doctor. Ex-drug dealer with Uta and another friend of theirs. He's alive, somewhere in America I think. We meet up sometimes."

"Arima only wanted Uta...?"

"He wanted all three of them," Ayato confirmed. "Maybe Yomo-san cut some sort of deal with him. I don't really care. I'm glad he's okay."

"That's good," I nodded, looking back to my lap. No one else needed to die.

"I'm sorry," he reached out and rested his jeweled hand over mine. I released a shaky breath and turned my hand over with unintentional speed, grabbing his hand and gripping it. I couldn't look at him now. I squeezed my eyes shut, not even able to ask what he was apologizing for. Maybe it was for all of it. He returned pressure, my hand aching. "If I could change anything, I would go back and kill him myself."

"No," I responded louder than intended, shaking my head. I looked to him, his eyes glossy with tears. "I never would have let you."

"I still feel the same, Kaneki," his voice broke. "That was not meant for you. I...I fucking tainted you. You were everything good...everything good and right and I fucked it up. I fucked it up from the very beginning, going and working at the tattoo parlor. If I hadn't-"

"It's in the past, isn't it?" I interrupted, unable to hear another spoken regret. "We did everything we could at the time."

"That's what I tell myself," he chuckled, glancing off.

"You didn't taint anything," I shook my head. "I don't even feel bad, Ayato. I don't feel a fucking thing for him. All I could hear was the way he was talking to you. That's what's disturbing. I don't feel guilty. That's...That is the problem."

"Christ," he exhaled, out of breath and flush with tears. He wiped his cheeks off with his sleeve. "I-I'm not sure I know what to say."

"I know," I whispered, my teeth tearing into my lip.

"This whole time I thought you must've hated me...yourself...what happened to you because of me. What happened to us."

"That is so wrong," I spoke without filter, quickly shielding my mouth. "I harbor nothing but complete admiration for you."

"How?" He shook his head, another tear falling and catching the light.

"Just look at you," I gave a simple shrug. "I wanted to be there for you. But you stopped writing and...I thought maybe you realized you made a mistake. I still looked for you. You made yourself hard to find. On purpose."

"I know what I did," his brow pinched. "I had to stop writing. I saw you, Kaneki. I saw you living your life and making a name for yourself. Without me. You looked...happy. I-I couldn't interfere. Not anymore. I always thought you deserved more."

"How could you ever think..." My eyes crossed his face, his clear flushed skin and dreary eyes. "How could you ever think I wanted anyone but you?"

"You _killed_ someone!" He responded with animation, his hand tightening around mine even further. "That never would've happened if not for me."

"You think I give a shit? It was always you, Ayato. Always. You think a day has gone by where I haven't fucking thought about you? I can't even fuck someone without seeing your face in my head. You were it for me," I looked to our hands, quickly releasing his as I began to perspire in this claustrophobic room.

There was complete silence, minus the sound of our weighted breathing.

"Let's go get that drink," he mumbled, wiping his face again and standing to his feet. After we exited the exhibit he spoke to the gallery director, who permitted him leave after seeing his tear-tracked face.

 

* * *

 

He brought us to a bar within walking distance. I was thankful it wasn't too crowded. It was a small place, dark lighting and wooden walls. We sat at a booth in the back and ordered two whiskey sours. It was quiet for a minute, me biting on my straw and him swirling his drink around in the glass.

"Glad you're old enough to buy alcohol, huh?" I spoke with the straw.

"I guess. Don't really get as fucked up as I used to," he shrugged, staring at the table.

I guess I went overboard in the heart. Everything spilled out at once, unorganized and unthoughtful. The thought hadn't even crossed my mind that I wouldn't tell him how I feel. I suppose that was the only way it could happen. I sighed, downing the bitter drink.

"So..." He set down his glass, finally making eye contact. "Want me to start from the beginning?"

I nodded.

"Three words: treatment fucking sucks. It was okay for the first few days, you know? Before going through the withdrawal again. Tokyo was easy because I still had you. Writing you helped me a lot, and Rio was there so it sucked a little less."

Ayato had told me the bare minimum about his friend he met in rehab. In fact, that was all he said about him. That he existed.

"Do you still speak with him?"

"Of course, he's in London with me," he smiled.

"That's nice..." It was a true statement, but how couldn't I feel a pang of jealousy?

"Oh," he shook his head, taking note of my aspect. "Not my roommate or anything. We just both wanted to visit and ended up staying. Straight as an arrow. He's completely in love with my idiot sister."

I laughed into my drink. "Can't blame him."

"Shut up," he rolled his eyes, picking up his drink and knocking back a gulp. "Anyway, they put me on medication pretty early. I refused at first, but um, I eventually caved into the idea that it might work. Tried a few different things. Anti-depressants, mood-stabilizers...all just downers. I remember missing you so much at that point..."

Most of Ayato's letters had said that. Each day away from me was worse than the last.

"Fuckin' therapist knew exactly how in love I was. Only saw it as volatile. And I guess from her perspective that's valid. After I broke the mirror they sent me to somewhere in Ireland. Well, it was a place Arata had found. Not a hospital, but a real treatment center for all kinds of things. That's where I found the real help. It's beautiful there," he nodded in remembrance. "I got off the meds and just made a lot of terrible art. Exercised. Excruciating group therapy. Huh. Can't believe I was in treatment for seven months...always so adamant about not going."

"You certainly were," I pursed my lips.

"Memories," he sighed with longing affection. We both laughed and took another sip. "I had time to focus on myself and actually look at what the fuck I was doing. What I did to you. Of course it all stemmed from my mother, the way I felt about my father. But I've accepted what happened to me. I can be okay with myself now. The heroin fucked me up. I thought it was okay to hurt myself, not even think twice about hurting others. And Uta was right. What would my mother think to see me? I have to live better because that's what she would want. I owe that much."

I exhaled, setting down my drink. I knew this day would come, the day I would hear these words from Ayato. I smiled internally, overwhelmed with satisfaction just for him. He always had it in him to forgive himself.

"You don't know how happy I am to hear that, Ayato-kun," I allowed myself to smile. As he returned it I was shot with a short shiver down my spine. I shielded my blushing face.

"Don't think I don't know what you did for me," he spoke with sudden solemnity, touching my arm. I brought my hand down. "You got me there."

"It was all you, Ayato-kun," I shook my head.

"Of course you'd say that," he gave a roll of his eyes, defeated. He picked up where he left off. "So then I was in a halfway house for a while. Smoked a lot. Made some friends in there. I did a lot of fighting."

"Aw, Ayato-"

"No, no, like boxing," he reassured me with a wave of his hand. "Well...let's just call it boxing."

It wasn't hard to picture Ayato at the center of an underground fighting ring. In reality, it was probably a good way for him to release his anger.

"Guess you haven't changed all that much."

"Fighting brought me to London. Not the worst place to sell art, either. Been there the past year," he took another sip before pausing, smiling provocatively. "I'd like to bring you to a fight."

My eyes widened at the thought. "I don't know if I could watch you get knocked around."

He gasped. "I'm offended. Haven't lost a fight yet. Well...maybe two-"

"If you want me there."

"I do," he nodded with certainty. "So go on, tell me about you."

"I'm all work," I sighed, rubbing my eyes.

"Don't think I haven't noticed. You're famous, Kaneki. People love Rose Fashion. Including myself. I may have a subscription..." He gave a nonchalant toss of his hair.

"You do?" I grinned.

"Of course. Eto showed me some of your articles. She's right, you are good at what you do."

"Thank you."

"She has such a boner for you. It's fucking annoying," he grumbled, downing the last of his drink. I couldn't help but laugh. "So what do you do when you're not working?"

"Reading," I shrugged. "It has its annoyances, but I do love working for the magazine and Shuu. It's fun."

"Uh, yeah, you get to go to fashion shows and parties and photo shoots with hot models. Of course it's fun."

I finished my drink as well, and Ayato promptly ordered another two. I continued to sip, a little buzz creeping over.

"So, are you seeing anyone?"

"No," I shook my head.

"Just fucking then, huh? Not a bad way to go," he went back to his drink.

"What about you? You were always good at finding someone..." I mumbled into my straw.

"Dated a few douchebags here and there."

We went quiet again. I wouldn't be surprised if he had a handsome English boyfriend waiting for him.

"What you said before-"

"It's fine," I stared into my drink. "I shouldn't have said any of it."

"I have to disagree," he gave a dry laugh. "I always thought about you, Kaneki. I really thought I was doing the right thing this time."

"I can't blame you for that. We both jumped to our own conclusions. Now we're better off."

"Maybe."

Halfway through the second glass I spoke up again.

"How is Touka-chan? I don't talk to Hide as often as I like."

"She's good," he nodded. "They're both still in Japan. I hear Hide is an officer now."

"Forensics," I corrected.

"Right, right," he rolled his eyes. "A pig's a pig. But he's good to my sister. Her and Hinami are almost done with their café. My dad's gonna help them with the bakery."

"And how is he? Are you two getting along?"

"We've cleared the air some time ago," I nodded along as he spoke. "I don't live in the past anymore. He sure does, though. Always asking about you."

"Truly?"

"Yeah. Told him you're the chief editor of a fashion magazine. Impressed, to say the least. Wants you to stop by if you ever visit."

"I haven't been back...have you?"

"Few times, yeah. See my family and friends. It's hard to go back without regurgitating every fucking memory."

"Must be why I haven't yet."

"Or because it has nothing to offer. What could the small 20th Ward possibly have to offer Kaneki Ken, New York man, editor-in-chief? I mean, he wears fucking Dior. Never thought I'd live to see the day."

"Glad I could make you proud."

"If you really wanna impress me, you'll show me your office," he nodded, eyes bright with excitement. "I'll bet that's one nice ass view."

"It is," I cleared the rest of my drink. "I'll show you."

 

* * *

  

Since Ayato paid for the drinks I paid for the cab which brought us to the office building in Midtown. The building was left dark minus a few stray lights they left on. I led Ayato up to the 45th floor where my office was. Once inside I left the lights off, since Manhattan gave off plenty of residual light.

"Goddamn."

It was a nice office. With a large panel window overlooking the city, it drew in plenty of light. Shuu had handpicked white furniture. My desk sat in front of the window, a sitting area perpendicular to that. With a couch and table and even a mini fridge. It was unnecessarily spacious. I told him even that was too much, that I really only needed a computer and a desk. But he went lavish, as per usual- stocking my office with designer furniture and hardwood floors. Presentation was very important to him. Apparently as it was to Ayato.

"I wouldn't mind coming to this office everyday..." He mused, running his fingers along my desk and staring down at the city. I removed my coat and gloves, setting them down on the couch. I pulled out my pack, lighting up. The sound of the lighter caught his attention, causing him to walk over. He retrieved his pack of American Spirits and placed a slender cigarette between his teeth. Without word, he leaned over me and pressed his cigarette to the ember on mine. As he shadowed me I held my breath, glancing down his body again. I couldn't really help myself...the staring. I was certain he didn't mind. Lit now, he peered at me once before pulling away slowly and exhaling smoke.

"Consider me impressed. The office, the clothes, you probably have an amazing apartment. This is why I didn't interfere."

"Why do you keep saying that?" I asked, suddenly uninterested in the cigarette. I dropped it into the ashtray.

"We never fit properly," he turned away, back to gazing out the window. "If we were supposed to be together, we would be."

He had just lit a fire under me. I stood to my feet, walking around his figure to face him. Against the light he was glowing, his eyes heavy with discontent.

"We're together now, aren't we?"

"You said it yourself. You're happy. You have fun. I was really awful to you at the end. I couldn't...I can't..."

He took a sharp breath, quickly pulling on the cigarette.

"I couldn't bring myself to put myself in front of you again. After Arima I was...disgusting. I thought I needed to be fucked, you know? It was always good to clear my head and help me get over someone or something. I fucked Urie," he admitted, shrugging at himself. "There was no excuse. No words I could put together that would be a good enough apology."

"Urie...?" I repeated, taking a step back. I ripped my eyes off of Ayato. "You...hated each other..."

"Makes for good sex."

"Ayato!" I exclaimed, new tears stinging my eyes. "I don't care who you had sex with three years ago. You were only trying to push me away. You're still trying to push me away after all this time!"

"You said it yourself, didn't you? We're better off."

"No," I shook my head furiously. "No."

"You don't want to go through this again, Ken," he walked back over and crushed his cigarette in the ashtray. With a long sigh he walked back over to the window, touching the glass for a moment. "It was amazing to see you. I hope you can visit me sometime."

"Stop. Stop talking like you're going to leave."

"I think I should."

"No. No. You don't get to hide from me for three years and crawl back to London. Fucking face me."

Ayato immediately turned on his heel, our eyes connecting. "I am."

"Or do you not want to face who you were when you were with me?"

"How dare you say that," he spat, taking swift steps towards me. "All I did in treatment was look at myself. What I did. What I did to you..."

He outburst with a curse, closing the proximity to take my face in his hands. I looked to his conflicted eyes, holding my breath yet again.

"I just...I can't."

"Don't say that!" I shook out of his grasp, pushing his broad shoulders. "Don't you fucking say that to me."

Ayato huffed out a breath, not even affected by my shove. He lifted his thin fingers to my tie, touching the fabric before gripping it. He watched my eyes as he pulled me in by the tie at my neck, soft lips meeting mine with fair pressure. It was how I remembered it...only amplified. He severed it quickly, pulling away and glancing at my mouth.

"Let's leave it at that, okay?" He murmured, his words brushing my lips.

What was I doing wrong...? He had already made his decision. He had already decided for himself that he was going to ghost on me again. I couldn't leave it like that. And after not seeing him in such a long time, I wasn't going to let him go after a few hours. I was too selfish for that. Sad as it was, I had to revert back to my old ways if I were to keep his attention. I shoved his shoulders again, more force this time. He stumbled back, looking away and embarrassed.

"You're an asshole," I mumbled under my breath. "After all this time you're still making it about you. It doesn't matter that I haven't seen you...no, you still feel too much guilt about what happened. So don't stand there and fool yourself that you have the right to kiss me. You don't. And you can't have it both ways."

"Fuck," he cursed, grabbing the hair at his crown. "I know you're right...just give me the chance to protect you."

"I think it shows I'm capable of taking care of myself."

"Well, sure, you always were," he took small steps towards me. "But then you met me and what happened? You become a murderer. All that shit with Arima..."

" _God!_ " I let go of the anger through a shout. "You don't fucking get it! Don't you remember what he said? He only wanted you to kill Uta as initiation. If you were the one to put a bullet in him you'd be working for Arima. Right now. I don't doubt that for a second."

"I know," he exhaled. "I know."

"What bullshit," I turned away from him and walked over to the window. "You haven't changed at all, Ayato-kun. You still manage to find time to feel sorry for yourself."

"Fuck this. I can't listen to another word."

"Just walk away," I pressed my forehead against the glass, tears making their run. "You're good at that."

As I heard the door close I felt my knees go weak underneath me, nearly bringing me to the ground. I was left wailing. It wasn't meant to be for us. Had it been, this night would've played out differently, right?

Not even half a minute passed before there was a tight grip on my arm, hoisting me back to my feet. I was spun around and pushed against the glass, his body closed in on mine. I see he had only closed the door instead of exiting through it.

"Don't," I turned my head away, keeping my hands at my sides.

"Don't what?" He asked, leaning in further and touching his lips to my cheek. "I'd say we have lost time to make up for."

Very vulnerable and susceptible to his charm, I didn't stand a chance. I pressed my waist forward into his, earning a throaty moan that had him grabbing my hair. He pulled me into a kiss, melting into one another as he pinned my wrists to the glass. I struggled against the grip, only to have him draw himself closer. But he was already biting at my mouth, muttering _Ken_ against my lips before his tongue made a search for mine. I wasn't too disappointed to find out his piercing was gone. His kisses still left my chest heaving. Ayato eased the tip of his tongue along my lips, tracing them before attending to my scar. He kissed me softly there, where the skin had healed and faded a bit, but never recovered. Nudging my head aside he began to bite and pull at the skin of my neck, leaving me moaning with each tug of his teeth. I could feel my skin growing raw as I reached for his sweater.

I pulled it off his shoulders and he let it fall, his lips working up to my jaw. My palms slid down both his arms, feeling tight muscle. I ghosted every curve with my fingers, his skin pale against the light. He was still riddled with scars of thick and thin and pink and white scattered down his wrist and up his forearm. I thought of the time he first showed me arms, that bloody, teary night...I remembered it as if it happened yesterday. I bit back a sob, not wanting Ayato to notice my obvious recollection.

Soon he was pressing his knee between my legs, grinding against me and stimulating my body further. My head hit the glass, groaning from the sweet pressure. At the same time Ayato loosened my tie, hoisting it off. He continued as he began with my buttons, deftly undoing them. He took his time, however, running his hand down my core and staring at every inch of me. Once my shirt was off I reached for his, pulling it over his head.

In silence I touched his body, hands gliding over his pronounced pectorals and toned stomach. I swiped my thumb over his hips, where there used to be only bone and paper skin. Now there was muscle. I went for him, wrapping my arms around his waist and biting his deltoid. His skin smelt similar...fiery and a bit floral. I continued to taste, pressing my lips to his neck and easing down his chest. I could do this forever, kiss him as his strong arms pulled me closer. I wanted to tell him how sexy he was, how insane this felt to be doing again. But I couldn't. Our mouths were already connected.

With ease, Ayato unbuckled my belt and slid it off my waist. It didn't take long for him to pull down my pants either, both his palms pawing at my backside. I exclaimed as he grabbed both my thighs, lifting me off the ground as my legs naturally curled around him. No trouble carrying me, he walked over to my desk and set me down on the papers.

"Ever fuck someone on this desk?"

"N-No," I answered his question.

"Ever been fucked on this desk?"

"No," I felt myself smirk.

"Good," he reached for the band of my underwear, sliding them off. He pulled me to the edge, placing a few digits in my mouth. I was sure to dampen them, no delay to tend to me. He touched me gently, teasing the nerves before pushing two fingers inside of me. I held onto his neck for support, moaning from the pain he was inflicting. He pumped his rough fingers a few times before I was begging him to replace it with his cock.

"Tell me what you want," he murmured into my ear as I held onto him, feeling the musculature along his back.

"I want your cock inside me," I moaned, losing my grip. He held onto my lower back with his left hand, assuring I would not fall.

Ayato chuckled, his nails seeping into my skin. "You want me to fuck you?"

"Yes-!"

"You haven't changed at all, Kaneki. Still get so wet when I push you around," he whispered, pulling his fingers from me. He brought the same hand to his mouth, wetting his palm.

Stable now, he teased me with the tip. As he pressed I closed my eyes, allowing the sensation to pleasantly overwhelm me. But Ayato took hold of my jaw, pulling my attention back to him. Silently, his eyes demanded I look at him. I watched his lips part as he entered me slowly, prompting me to close them with mine. He wasted no time to delicately thrust into me, my hastening moans filling his mouth.

"Mm..." He pulled back and kissed my forehead, now holding onto the side of my neck as he fastened. I grabbed his waist, forcefully pushing down his jeans and pulling him deeper inside of me with greedy hands.

And even though he was as close as he could be, I had every part of him for the moment- I still wanted more. _More,_ I moaned against his lips. _I need more._

"More?"

He took me by the throat and slammed me down against the desk, my head throbbing with the impact. I crunched against numerous documents, not in the least bit concerned with their importance. I cried out his name, my body weak with overemotional doubt. Because I could picture him fucking me like this and leaving- disappearing back to wherever he came from. Still...I didn't care.

I laid my arms out as Ayato took me by the legs, spreading them further apart. He inched closer, resting his hand beside me for support. His other hand trailed my rib cage, licking his lips as he stared at mine. It was slow again. Long, deep hits that left me crying. Or no...I was already crying.

"Shh," he leaned down and pressed a quick peck to my lips. I watched him pull away, his dark hair dripping down. I touched his soft locks, twisting it between my fingers like I used to. It certainly had been through a lot. He smiled before taking my hand and sliding it down to his chest.

When he began to move again, I swallowed my remaining tears. He released a low grunt through his teeth, driving into me. My back arched, feeling papers slide off the desk as he pinned one of my shoulders down. It hurt. All of it was brutal, and it felt more than good. I ran my hand up his working body, muscles shifting as his moans became more prevalent. Each thrust made me shake, easing against the perfect spot. I couldn't take much more.

"I still know how you like it, Ken," he murmured, ghosting his hand down my body. He gripped the base of my cock with a tight hand, massaging the area. Warmth pooled in my stomach, feeling the oncoming surge. I gripped at the side of the desk, my knuckles going white. Ayato continued to moan, speaking more lewd words. "You really did miss me, you opened up for me so easily..."

"Ahh...s-stop," I covered my mouth, embarrassed. Every inch of my body was hot, flushed with blood.

"What?" He smiled with an open mouth, teasing me. "Too much? Not enough? More? _More?_ "

Every muscle tensed as I came, my hand still tight around my mouth. Electrifying me, the sensation lingered in my body long after I released. At the sight of my orgasm Ayato cursed, readying to pull away. I held him by his arm.

"Come inside..."

"You want it?" He asked, naturally confident.

I urged him with a nod, luring him into a kiss. Our lips crashed together as he moaned, heat filling me. I held onto his back, having no intention of letting go. But he eased back with a heavy sigh, running a ringed hand through his hair. Pulling out, I exhaled my last moan, sitting up from the desk. More papers slid onto the floor as I watched Ayato hoist his jeans back up and fasten them. He was avoiding my eyes.

"You're not...um...you're not seeing anyone, right?"

"No. Even if I was..."

"Nothing would've stopped that from happening," I mumbled, looking down at my now dirty body.

"Yeah," he glanced at me. "Come. I'll clean you up-"

"No, no, I got it," I waved him off, taking my underwear and shuffling off into my connected bathroom. With plenty of soft towels in there, I wiped the cum off and out. Though I was unsure what I would be walking into, I pulled on my underwear and reached for the door handle. It was no big deal...he was only the best sex and love of my life. I didn't want to be nervous again, but how couldn't I be? Now that it was out of the way he could leave again. I exited the bathroom to find him on the couch, still half-naked with a cigarette between his lips. He was staring out the window in silence, his expression indecipherable.

I sat beside him, looking to the clamoring city myself. Ayato scooted back, easing against my shoulder. I pulled him in and wrapped my arm around his neck. With a sigh he curled his hand around my forearm.

"I miss you."

"I miss you too, Ayato-kun."

 

* * *

 

"Upper east side, huh?" He asked with a scrunch of his nose. "What is this place like, ninety thousand a month?"

"Seventy," I corrected.

"And I'm back in a shitty flat," he rolled his eyes as the elevator came to a stop. "Treatment certainly wasn't cheap. Still paying off loans, even with the money from my mother."

"Oh...you don't have to worry about that, Ayato-kun. I'll take care of it."

"I'm not your charity case anymore," he gave me a wry smile, stepping out of the elevator. "Besides, I make fine money. I'm down to the last of paying it off, anyway."

"Alright," I responded with a frown, following him out and heading over to my door.

"Don't look like that," he reached for my hand. "I hate when you twist that pretty face up."

"Aren't you charming," I squeezed his hand.

I unlocked the door to the apartment with my free hand, opening the door.

Ayato immediately oohed, releasing our mutual grasp and hurrying further inside. It was a one bedroom and bath, the living area and bedroom separated by a half wall. It was spacious but still remained a contained design. Besides nicer furniture and more bookshelves, it didn't feel too different from my other apartment. Ayato took the short walk to my oversized bed, sitting down on the white covers. He glanced back to the row of windows, city noise penetrating through thin glass.

"Very nice."

"I almost bought an aquarium."

"Ahh," he exclaimed with a frown. "That'd really complete it."

"I'm going to take a shower if you don't mind."

"Of course not, go ahead," he shooed me away while reaching for his cigarettes.

In the shower I pressed my head against the tile, cold water striking my skin unpleasantly. But I wanted to wake up, I felt like I'd been in a haze ever since I saw him. I rubbed away at my sore body, feeling bruises on my neck and back. I almost wanted to laugh when I remembered it was all in my office. I never would've done anything like that with anyone besides him. Once I felt awake enough I got out of the shower and dried myself off, slipping into my underwear. Back in my room I could see Ayato had already made himself comfortable, fluffed up in the middle of my bed wearing my Ralph Lauren pajamas. He had taken off his shirt and tied his hair back, flipping through an older issue of the magazine.

"I don't think I saw this issue," he said with a bright laugh, looking up at me. "Were you ever going to bring this up?"

I walked over and sat down next to him to see what he was on about. I cringed when I looked at the spread. It was maybe six months ago when Tsukiyama asked me to do a photo shoot with him for Dior. After saying no three hundred and eight times, I finally caved. The picture they chose was a pretty decent one, both of us wearing their winter line of seasonal colors and tight sweaters. We were standing fairly close, his arm around my shoulder and our fingers laced together. The photographer told me to add more tension to my face and body. Where I was told I looked fierce I really just thought I looked like I was squinting. But everyone at the office loved how it turned out, Shuu especially.

"And you're a high fashion model," he glanced at the bottom where our names and the photographer was credited.

"That was just a one time thing."

I watched Ayato look at the picture again, biting his lip with subtlety. "I remember you telling me you first thought I was a model."

"Yeah," I chuckled. "Seems like forever ago."

"And look at you now. I bet you got a lot of pussy from this, huh?"

"Uch, Ayato. Stop it," I rolled my eyes at his consistent vulgarity.

"You come fuck them on this bed with four thousand dollar sheets-"

"Stop."

"And see me inside your head when you're inside of them."

"I knew I shouldn't have told you that shit," I grabbed the already closed magazine, throwing it across the room.

He took hold of my arm and yanked my attention. "Yes, you should have."

"Why? Does it change anything?"

"Maybe."

"Maybe," I scoffed.

"I didn't know you felt that way-"

"Well now you do. Okay? I don't want to hear another fucking word about it."

It was embarrassing. Ayato had always been more comfortable in flaunting his sexuality, he knew exactly how good and how good-looking he was. He was able to separate sex and emotion in a way that I was generally envious of. I couldn't feel hands on me without thinking of him, but I'm sure he could be fucked over a desk without even remembering my existence.

"I didn't not think of you, Kaneki. You know that."

"Yeah...you just found someone else to fill that hole. No pun intended."

He laughed, shaking his head. "I seem to remember me being the jealous one. What? Want me all to yourself again?"

Now he was just mocking me.

"Yeah."

"That's a shame, too. I figured you have a lot of models on speed dial. Here I was thinking you could invite one over, we'll take turns."

I know he was trying to rile me up, but the sound of that was not too displeasing...

"You're thinking about it!" He exclaimed, pulling me down to the bed. Ayato wasted no time to weigh me down, running his hand through my damp hair. "What do you say? You look so good when I fuck you...I shouldn't save that all for myself."

"Yes, you should," my hands slid around his waist. "Keep me to yourself."

"You'd like that, wouldn't you?" He murmured, our noses touching. Soon he pulled me into a heated kiss, slow and deliberate in every swipe of his tongue. He had me again, this time on my stomach as he squeezed my backside painfully. I was doted with red handprints. He fucked me in ways I never even pictured myself. My sore body pleaded for a break, for some relief from this exertion. It wasn't going to happen. We were up all night, making up for the time we had lost.

 

* * *

 

The next morning I woke up shivering from the cold, my naked body above the sheets rather than underneath them. I was disappointed to find Ayato was not beside me, though I remember him falling asleep against my chest. I rubbed my eyes and looked around to see he wasn't anywhere.

"You fucking coward," I shook my head, easing myself up with care. My legs felt like liquid, my back sore to the bone. We might have went at it a little too hard last night...too many times...I guess he had to make it count before he left again.

I pulled on my underwear from the floor to find other contents scattered about. There were several papers across the floor, the rest piled up on the lounge chair. I picked them up and then flipped through the rest. They were sketches done in pen. Sketches of me, actually, sleeping in the bed. Nothing too fancy or detailed but there was care in the lines. There had to be at least fifteen different sketches in different positions, either my head resting on my arm or my hand draped around my bruised thigh. I smiled for a short moment, remembering he wasn't here. Just as I went to tear them the bathroom door opened.

"Good morning," he greeted.

I nearly jumped out of my skin, turning around to find Ayato standing behind me. In my clothes. One of my Dior sweaters and lounge pants.

"Morning," I smiled, hiding the papers behind my back.

"Hope you don't mind," he rubbed at the back of his neck. "After you fell asleep I had trouble myself. Sketching helps."

"I like them a lot."

"Keep 'em," he shrugged, kissing my forehead. I sighed, holding onto his arm. He went to move closer, pressing our lips together as his phone began to ring. In no rush he kissed me again, reaching for his cell and checking the ID. He chuckled and brought the phone to his ear. "Yes, my shitty sister?"

_"Ha, ha. I told you I'd be calling you the next day. How's New York?"_

"Good," he answered, looking directly into my eyes. With a hunger to them he slid his hand down my lower back, squeezing. "Very good."

_"Good. Listen, Ay. Something's up."_

"What do you mean?"

I glanced up at him, listening in.

_"I'm pregnant."_

"No way," he shook his head, laughing. "You're too young to be pregnant."

 _"I told you to listen, idiot!"_ She shouted over the line. _"Get on a plane. We're getting married next week and I fucking need you here, okay? Bring Rio, too. I'm freaking the fuck out."_

"Alright, okay," he said while looking at me. "I'll bring him. I'll be there soon, Aneki."

She hung up without word and both of us were left reeling.

"Hide. I should fucking kill him. Like he's never heard of pulling out."

"Both of them have always said they wanted kids. It's good news, Ayato! She's just...you know, hormonal."

"A shotgun wedding is good news?" His brow pinched.

"They'll be happy together," I smiled to myself, knowing its truth. Ayato pursed his lips, not looking too sure himself. I sighed and took hold of his shoulders. "Like it or not, you have to be supportive."

"And now she wants me back in Japan...? I mean, fuck-"

"We can both go," I suggested.

I still did not know where we stood. But we both knew that being present for Touka was much more important.

 

* * *

  

"You know..." He traced my hand as we sat on the plane, waiting to get off. "We never celebrated your birthday. We'll spend the next couple of days here then head to Japan, alright?"

"Okay," I nodded, exhausted from the flight.

London was freezing this time of year, as well. But Ayato kept me close as we headed to the train, exhaling smoke along the way. He seemed to know his way around quite well. His flat was about an hour away from the airport. I fell asleep on the train, completely jet-lagged and ready to collapse. So I was thankful when we finally made it there.

The flat was nice, two bedrooms, one of them a studio room. The walls were a dark purple and the furniture black, posters plastered across the doors and walls. I smiled when I saw a Smiths poster, tracing the edge. It smelt like weed and cigarettes, and Febreeze to cover up the smell of weed and cigarettes. This actually looked a lot like his room in his father's house, just more expanded.

"I'm gonna shower," he said, already undressing.

"Or," I mumbled, pulling on his belt and halting his process. "We can do something else."

"No satisfying you, is there?" He asked, pushing me down onto his bed.

"Ayato-kun!"

The door to his flat swung shut, footsteps shuffling in.

"Oh."

There had been no time to push him off of me. Ayato slowly rose, taking my knee and closing my legs as he faced his friend.

"How many countless, countless times have I told you to knock?"

"But I have a key."

"And I have something as well," he gestured to me as well.

"Oh my god! Ayato!" The boy who I assumed to be Rio whacked his friend's shoulder. "You didn't tell me Kaneki was coming! It's really nice to meet you, Kaneki-san, I've heard so much-"

"This is Rio," Ayato took him by the shoulder and covered his mouth with his hand, smiling. "My better, more annoying half."

"Oh, fuck off," he shook out of his grasp, running over and sitting next to me. He had short ashy-colored hair, longer side pieces dyed black at the tips. He had a few freckles across his skin and a wide smile. "Wow. I never thought I'd get to meet you. Ayato said he'd never-"

"Rio!" Ayato interjected, his eyes wide with fury.

"It's alright, Ay," I nodded at him. "Go. Take your shower."

He walked to the bathroom in silence.

Rio immediately laughed, scooting down so we could chat face-to-face. "He said he'd never be able to convince you to come here. Since I always talked about how I wanted to meet you."

"It's mutual," I smiled at him. "Ayato always had trouble making the right kind of friends. I'm glad you were- are there for him."

"Of course, I love that angry idiot. And he was helping me through my shit, too. Without him, I...I don't know," he shrugged, his eyes glossing over like he was remembering something. He quickly shook off the feeling. "Anyway, this is great. You met up in New York?"

"Yeah. My friend brought me to the gallery."

"I bet that was one hell of a night," he chuckled. "I knew it was going to happen. I told him. I told him you'd be there but he didn't believe me."

"Yeah. Ayato's not much of a believer."

"Good thing I am. It's great to meet you, Kaneki. Sorry if this is weird," he leaned forward and wrapped his arms around my neck and hugged me tight. "He said you're the only reason he's where he is now. I have to thank you for that."

"Sure," I nodded, a bit delayed but I returned the embrace. "Of course."

"I mean it," Rio released me, easing back. His lips twisted into a frown. "Stay close this time, Kaneki-san. He needs you. Maybe not in the same way anymore, but that's a good thing. He'll never say this himself. Just...get him back already. Hold onto him."

"You're right. Thank you, Rio-kun."

As Rio left the room for a moment I scooted over to Ayato's side table, looking through his jewelry box. So many necklaces, rings and earrings of different shapes and metals. I opened the bottom compartment to find a lone ring, of silver and black diamonds. My fingers trembled as I reached for it, holding it firmly. I had lost mine about a year ago. I had worn it occasionally, when I was feeling particularly miserable. Came off my hand one night when I was wasted, couldn't remember much else. I remember hating myself.

"Still have yours?"

I nearly yelped, jumping at the sound of his voice. I laid my hand over my throbbing heart. He stood with a towel around his waist, water falling from his locks.

"No," I frowned.

"No problem," he shrugged. "I'll buy you a new one. Who says my sister and Hide should be the only ones getting to exchange vows?"

A smile crossed my lips, my heart not slowing at all.

"You'd marry me?"

"Of course. But I'm a pure anarchist and don't believe in the notion of getting married and squeezing out babies to keep the economy running. So a ring will have to do," he walked over and kissed the top of my head.

Flushed, I dropped my face into my hands. This destination always seemed so far away, but we had finally made it.

"Who knows? Maybe when I'm old and boring we can. Then we can adopt cats as our children."

"Sounds good to me."


	22. Ayato IV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's the final chapter, ever lengthy and elusive (it's really long)
> 
> i just wanted to say thank you to everyone who left kudos and comments and drew fan art, this fic is very important to me and helped me with my own struggles dealing with self harm. thank you again for waiting patiently i hope you enjoy <3

"Does that work for you?"

I wanted to say it felt the same. That we fit perfectly into place, found each other again and melded like nothing happened. But it was different. At least it was for me. My chest would ache. I could feel the pain in my heart, the twisting of the knife.

"Yes..."

But we were always good at this.

"I just want to be careful."

I laughed internally. "Don't be. What do I always tell you? Don't even think."

He pressed his lips to my throat. I knew it wouldn't be too difficult to get him started. His hands ran over my body, tense and bound and exposed. But he was warm, his touch laced with a certain intensity I immediately recognized. I hadn't felt anything like this since I was with him.

Everything had all happened at once, a natural disaster. My mother, my family crumbling to pieces, the heroin, Kaneki, Arima. It was inevitable, but Kaneki held me together at that time. I remember being terrified of that emotion, that dependence, that urge to lean on his shoulder. I figured something must have been wrong with him, for him to feel the way he does about a person like me. I was so wrapped up in him, the small details of his body. The curve of his tongue, the blue veins running through his hands and arms, the soft freckles dusted on his chest and shoulders- it didn't matter. I loved every piece, be it scarred or broken. He was everything I wanted, everything I wanted to shy away from, everything I was too afraid to reach out and take for myself.

As he laid his lips against my chest I couldn't help but feel unworthy. His hands were steadier, pressing against all the right spots. He kept taking hold of my waist to pull me closer to him. His movements were...pleasantly overwhelming. I felt I didn't deserve the passion, his raw and delectable lust. I suppose I always knew that deep down, he was too good for me. My knowing got in the way. It got in the way of everything, all my preceding relationships and general self-esteem. Though that was no one else's fault but my own. That would always be the case.

"Ayato-kun, you're tense," he told me, voice draped with concern.

"J-Just keep going," I shook my head, my wrists rubbed raw tied to the bed frame. I figured I could be his present this year, wrapped up and all. I wasn't doing a good job so far.

"What is it," it was hardly a question, just a demand for an answer.

"It's nothing," I said in my sweetest of voices, my throat tensing up a bit.

"You're lying," he whispered by my ear, his body warming mine. But he had already resumed to touch me, and the prying thoughts remained. "Why are you lying to me?"

Even with his hand around my cock I could not focus. My mind tunneled. I was compromised, in his hands, blindfolded shelling out weak moans.

I didn't want to go back. I didn't want to remember.

Kaneki pressed his lips to my neck, that certain spot that tingled from any attention. I still carried Arima around with me, probably more so than Kaneki. I was never able to speak of my experience with him in treatment. Not only did I want no one knowing, but back then I was terrified of even breathing his name. I couldn't talk about anything I ever saw with him, anything he had ever done to me. So the trauma rooted itself in my head. I flinched at needles and sudden movements, I felt like any second he could come back and take me back to that white room. He'd touch my face and give me what I needed, warmth spreading from my neck throughout my body. In the end I couldn't please him, either.

"Ayato-kun," he breathed against my chest, moans caught in his throat.

The mixture of drugs that had been given to me by Arima was lethal. I knew he had fried my brain, I only began to feel its effects after my withdrawal. My short-term memory was shit. I began to feel more sluggish than usual, like I was constantly dragging myself along. My immune system was nearly destroyed, any small infliction dangerous. Even though my body had substantially deteriorated I didn't really mind. It was a product of my own actions, and I couldn't complain.

But the truth of the matter was I was broken, used up. I knew it, he knew it. I wasn't deserving of his slow kisses, the tantalizing pull of his fingers or the love in his heart. Which is why I stayed away in the first place. Yet he could still stay here and make love to my useless body, make me feel like maybe I am something, maybe I'm not just sucking up air.

I began to forget about that as he parted my legs, not caring to waste any time. I only wanted it one way. I needed it physically, the release. It was why I fought, why I cut, why I fuck the way I do. The pain needed to come from somewhere. It was enough to take me away from what was not tangible. Even though it was his birthday, he was still tending to my preferences. He pressed in, pulling me closer by the thigh. I only had to lay back and feel it.

"Fuck...come on," I growled through my teeth, yanking my hands. The metal framing rattled.

"I-I just don't want to hurt you-"

I sighed under my breath, drawing him closer with my legs pulling his waist in. "I do."

Though I couldn't see, I could sense him shaking his head. Just being close to me was enough for him. Of course I needed blood, I needed to be broken further. When his weight shifted I allowed myself to moan, every inch better than the last. I held the frame as he draped my leg over his shoulder, fucking me back into sanity. He was real, and he was here. Sometimes that was still difficult to believe.

I tried not to beg, to plead for the escape I needed.

"Please...harder," I cried, my back arching as his hands slid down my rib cage.

"Shut up," he near whispered, his hand tightening around my jaw. "I don't want to hear another word."

"Ken-"

As my mouth opened he slid his fingers inside, stifling any noise I might've made. I coughed and cried, my heart thumping pleasantly. Then I could feel the difference in his movements. He drove into me, decimating what energy I might've had left. I wasn't moaning anymore, just whimpering and whispering as he reveled my body.

"Are you going to be a good boy?" He asked softly, his actions anything but.

I nodded cautiously, a sinister smile tugging at my mouth.

"Good."

I allowed myself to be swept up in this, to just lie back and feel the pleasure. To forget everything outside of this box, to listen to his honeyed words and feel his hands on my skin. To just focus on Kaneki, like he had done for me. He deserved as much.

 

* * *

 

"Fuck," Kaneki cursed upon reaching for an empty pack of cigarettes, chucking them against the wall.

"I can go get some," I offered, though my eyes were already closed.

"No need," he mumbled, his body heavy with the necessity of sleep. He held me closer to his chest.

"It's still your day- I'll get them. Don't even move," I already had risen from my bed, pulling on some sweats. "I'll be back before you fall asleep."

"Don't take too long," he mumbled, burying his face in a pillow.

Exhausted myself, I grabbed my wallet and jacket before slipping out of the apartment. I tugged on the leather as I stepped outside, the air thick and humid as light raindrops still dripped slow from the night sky. There was a convenience store right around the corner. I headed over with a clear head, only reminiscing of the lingering heat I felt simmering in my stomach and who had caused it. I wasn't surprised I went inward when I was the submissive. I wanted to shirk all the inner conflict I had, placing it aside and locking it in a box. Unfortunately, that's what I was going to resort to. I didn't have the capacity right now, solely because of my sister. It was her time of need now, something I knew Kaneki would understand.

In the store I purchased two packs of Spirits and an unsweetened iced green tea. I found it helped with my remnant headaches. After lighting a cigarette outside, I noticed the rain had stopped.

My phone buzzed in my pocket as I gazed at the distant moon, threaded behind black clouds. Three messages.

_Rio: sent at 22:10  
**Everyone's asking for you! You and Kaneki should have came out tn :(( birthday sex is cool and all but I figured it would get boring after 15 hours**_

_Rio: sent at 22:34  
**Takizawa just puked on the bouncer**_

I laughed at the screen, swatting away the excess smoke. Rio and a few others were going out drinking tonight but Kaneki and I denied the offer. We stayed in making key lime pie for his birthday cake and watching Planet Earth. He kept stressing how tired he was, from his job and the initial impact of seeing me again. I understood, and I was more than content to stay at home with him.

_Me: sent at 1:16  
**Don't worry I packed you some saltines. Get home safe**_

Back in my inbox, I grimaced at the other message I had received.

_Eto: sent at 1:00  
**I bet you're awake, huh? SOS~**_

I dropped the cigarette, crushing it into the concrete.

_Me: sent at 1:16  
**Coming.**_

Eto lived in an upscale apartment further into the city. It was nice. Like, Kaneki's level of nice. I made sure to wipe my shoes off on the doormat before knocking. She answered promptly, smiling behind her glasses and pulling me inside by my hand.

Back at Kamii, she was not my favorite person. I had always found her to be condescending and self-important, like most writers. She had her fun picking at Hinami when she deemed it laughable. Being the shitty friend I was, I never really defended her because Eto sold me plenty of cocaine. She likely still did. Just another reason to avoid her.

But I would murder for her flat. It was minimalistic, wide open walls. The floors were a white marble, the walls a similar shade. Behind the long white couch sat a wide aquarium that touched the ceiling, fish of different sizes and colors swimming in their own little blue planet. As she served me sparkling water I scrunched my nose in envy. Well, I suppose if I was a drug dealer/acclaimed author I could afford this place and six other ones just like it.

"Thank you," I took a sip out of the stemmed glass.

Eto sighed, falling beside me on the couch dramatically. She tossed her long mess of curls over her shoulder. "How are you fairing?"

"Well enough," I shrugged.

"How's Hinami? Your sister?"

"They're doing good," I paused and considered my sister's situation. Eto would certainly be invited to the wedding, if Touka hadn't sent out the invitations already. I wondered if Eto considered getting knocked up and sucked into marriage doing good. Not like it mattered. She certainly didn't invite me here to talk about my sister. "The café should be open soon."

"Lovely," she smiled, now leaning against the back of the couch. "And how are you doing, Ayato-kun?"

She hummed, taking my jaw in her hand. As she made circles on my skin I watched her eyes, green and reflective with a secret.

"Never better," I answered, not moving an inch. "Why."

"You look good," she released my face. "How long has it been?"

"Three years and counting."

"I always knew you'd come out of it. Uta was such a poor influence."

"I made my own decisions," I looked away from her.

"Certainly. Still...it's better this way. Better for you."

Was it? Did he have to die for it? He had to die, but it was not for my sake. If the choice was mine I would've ended up flailing and crashing and burning, like Kaneki had so clearly said.

"I agree."

"You haven't heard from him?"

I glanced back to her. "No. I don't care to."

"Long as you're not using, Ayato-kun- I have something for you," she rose from the couch, sauntering into her bedroom. She returned after a few moments, closing the door shut behind her. Again she collapsed at my side, only this time handing me a thin piece of paper.

It was a check written for 25,000 US dollars. Beside my own name was his. Arima Kishou.

"What is this?" I put space between us, staring hard at the lines on the paper. I was reading it correctly.

"He already purchased a few pieces from your website. He said this is for future commissions and whatever else you may need. Your own endeavors."

"How do you have this? How do you _know_ this man?" I was taking stunted breaths, attempting to retain what peace I had left.

"I met Arima when I was thirteen. I won't bore you with the details. He took care of me, so I have a small percentage in his business."

"The coke, you mean."

She smiled thinly, her glasses reflecting my own contempt. "No. I'm an investor in his company. We manufacture discreet and customized weapon holsters."

"A good cover...I'd expect no less from Arima-san."

"I helped him with the business while he was in prison. It wasn't always successful or easy. It was a lot of bloody work, which is why I'm able to live comfortably now."

"I'm sure you'd be able to live comfortably off the book royalties you receive."

"Maybe," she glanced over her shoulder to the bustling aquarium. "But not _as_."

"I don't want his money," I shook my head upon looking at the check, setting it back down on her lap. "I don't want anything to do with him. If I take this, who knows when he'll come knocking to collect?"

"It's a gift, not a loan."

"Why should I be rewarded?"

"It's clear he's seen something in you from the beginning. You've been putting good out into the world. Everyone can see it."

"He tormented me. He thought he could control me," I folded my fingers. "It was never enough for him. He wanted to fuck my mentality, to break me down from the inside so I would come out worshipping him. Never. I don't belong to anyone and I don't need his fucking money."

Just as I rose, ready to leave, Eto took hold of my wrist. "You'd be an idiot not to."

"And why is that?" I shot her a glare.

"Take control for yourself. Take the money and do whatever the fuck you please. That's what it's for."

"It still doesn't make sense," I mumbled, reluctantly sitting back down. If Eto knew Arima, I had no doubt she knew exactly what transpired that day. She must've known all the details, down to what color shoes I had been wearing. She must have known Uta was dead, and that I was too weak to kill him. This reminiscing backed up my throat, words too choked down to come out properly. I coughed until I found my voice again. "I failed him."

"He thinks you're immaculate. Modest. Sees you as pure, even. He fancies you, I think," she admitted, adjusting her glasses.

"Then he should give me the money himself instead of hiding behind your skirt."

"You don't want to see him. We both know that and so does he."

She was right. Just the thought of seeing him had sent iced shivers down my spine, as if his hand was seizing my face again. I couldn't go back there. To that room, his touch. I wouldn't allow myself to.

"He just hated Uta so much that he projected that admiration onto me. I'm the furthest thing from pure. He's an idiot."

"Or maybe he was simply blinded by your beauty. In the end it doesn't matter," she plucked the paper from her lap, passing it in my direction again. "You know how persistent he can be. I say take it."

There were other things to consider, other people. Taking the money seemed advisable given my current financial situation...I had to. If I was going back to Japan I intended on assisting my sister. I sold paintings but it wasn't enough to help support a woman and child. The money I made on the side from fighting wasn't enough either. I made enough money to live my lonely lifestyle in comfort. Of course Arima caught me in a predicament, when I actually needed him. What angered me the most was that he still had me. He was under my skin permanently, a memory I would not soon forget. I wanted to be spared from this, his presence and control. I wanted to live a normal life with Kaneki, something that once seemed so far away from us- it was approaching now. But I had to think of my sister, her baby. She had Hide but I trusted him as far as I could spit. Clean money, drug money, it doesn't matter. It all pays for diapers.

"If I want to take care of my family, I probably should," I took the paper with a surprisingly steady hand. "I've forgiven him, even laughed at the situation before. I never thought I'd hear from him again, certainly not like this."

"I think he'll be happy to hear that-"

"No," I interjected, nearly crushing the paper in my curling fist. "Don't tell him that. Let him think I'll hate him for as long as he skulks around on this planet. Let him think I think he's a snake...a coward and a liar."

"Do you?"

"Give him my thanks," I ignored her question. "Give him this."

I took hold of Eto's shoulder and pressed a kiss to her perfumed cheek.

"Oh," she exclaimed, touching where my lips had been. "He'll be pleasantly astonished."

"You tell him one more thing," I nodded. "If he ever shows himself near Kaneki or my family again I'll make sure to aim higher next time."

 

* * *

 

Back at home I found Kaneki asleep, of course. He was resting with one arm tucked underneath his head, the other hand splayed over his torso. The moonlight seemed drawn to him, his own light. I found myself caught in my steps, as if I'd stepped in quicksand. I couldn't move because I found no desire to. At this moment I could be stuck forever, happily, content enough just to look at him. He took a small inhale, his chest rising and falling with the act. My hands ached, telling me to scramble for a pencil and pad because god fucking dammit someone had to capture this. I'd drawn and painted him more often than he was aware. It was a frustrating task, never turning out right. It wasn't a face to be mimicked. Perhaps that's why he was so difficult to draw, nothing I sketched translated the way I wanted to. He turned away from me towards the window, the thin sheet slipping off his waist. I found my jaw tensing as I stared, down his neck and spine and backside. I began to swell just from looking. There was no such thing as perfect, but I had my doubts. Even with his imperfections- he was complete. He was beyond beautiful and kind, kind to others. His heart was gentle but his skin was thick, thicker than anyone else I'd ever known. And he was mine. Mine.

I set the cigarettes down for him before taking to my studio. It was a modest room, one with a large-panel window purely for lighting. I had my desk for inking and emailing, a few easels for painting. It was a mess of a room- paint splattered or smudged on the floor and walls, unfinished pieces hanging sadly to side. Still, I loved its chaotic silence.

I walked over to my desk, sitting down and opening up the laptop. I was interested in seeing what pieces he had decided to buy. I logged into my email, already having received its confirmation for the orders. Now these weren't inexpensive paintings- they were large detailed pieces. Most people opted to buy prints; which is how I made most of my money, along with the gallery showings.

He purchased three pieces.

'P.13'  
'P.20'  
'Cold'

 _Cold_.

'Cold' was the only titled piece I created. I never gave my pieces titles because I found them unnecessary and often having a negative effect on the piece itself. I wanted the spectator to see what they saw for themselves, and create their own title if they so wished.

But 'Cold' was different. It needed a title.

I exhaled, reaching to the nearby ashtray. I lit a joint that had been snuffed out before its time, inhaling and exhaling the smoke to feel my head decompress.

'P.13' was a scenic piece that I made while practicing environments. I myself had to say it was nothing special, another eerie painting. It was overlooking a short building to a freeway, all blurred by a red sky and darkened sun. It had good use of color, but I was disappointed with the composition. It was one of my more popular pieces.

'P.20' was another large piece, an aerial view of a pair of hands. The hands were steady, veined with a saturated deep blue. The left hand had a knife pierced through the middle of the palm, stuck to the table. It was something I painted while reminiscing about the night Uta died. Kaneki had hurt himself, pinning himself down with the weight of second-degree murder. Blood spilled from the wound, an exaggeration of red. This one was less purchased, but near perfect in composition and color.

Exhaling more smoke, I peered over at the last painting. I had to flip it over, it was covered in blank canvas facing the wall. For good reason.

I stepped back to really look at the piece, I hadn't since I finished painting it.

It was another desaturated scene- the arms of a suited yet obscured man wrapped around a woman, one hand clawing her back bloody and the other tight on the skin above her backside. She was raven-haired, locks spilling down her back. She bled a bright red as he pulled her closer. The girl was me. I didn't want anyone to even think it'd be a possibility, hence the change. I wasn't one for flowing with heteronormativity, but it was appropriate in this case. I didn't want anyone to know that the girl being torn apart was me- that the girl helpless and bleeding and cold, cold without this monster, was me.

This was something I sketched back in Japan while withdrawing. I missed Arima, I missed him so terribly I thought my heart could stop. I felt him underneath my skin and in my brain, and his touch was cold.

Of course I had only missed the drugs. That's why I hated this painting. It made me look weak, powerless and demure. I was none of those things. I wasn't the bleeding girl in the picture anymore. Arima knew that as well. Perhaps that's why he purchased it.

Naturally it was my most popular piece. Over 200 prints sold. It made me uneasy to look at.

All together, Arima's total was nearly ten grand, making his grand total $34,758. But money was no object. Clearly.

"...Ayato-kun?"

His voice startled me. I turned to see Kaneki in the doorway in his designer boxer briefs, rubbing at his left eye. I felt I couldn't even respond to him. I looked back to the painting. Through the silence he stepped closer and listened. He listened and gazed.

"You're good," he whispered, heavy with sleep. "Your art gives me a...positive form of nausea."

I hit the joint again. "I know what you mean."

He walked over quietly, standing beside me as he admired the painting and I rejected it. I was glad he bought it, I was glad to be rid of it. I'd never have to look at it again.

As I tensed up Kaneki took the roach from my fingers, bringing it to his own mouth. I'd only seen him with his cigarettes, I never thought he'd touch an illegal drug. Still, he inhaled and exhaled all the same. After his first hit he coughed a little before returning for a larger one.

"Didn't know you were such a fiend."

"You never offer..." He passed it back to me, casting his eyes down.

"Sorry. Offering drugs to you seemed like a bad move."

"It helps my head," Kaneki sighed, now rubbing at his temple. "You knew what I was worried about- and it wasn't the weed."

"Yeah," I glanced down before taking the last rip, holding the smoke and crushing the filter back into the ashtray. I exhaled and felt a bit lighter, but not much. Not enough. "Still, I thought you didn't touch the stuff."

"I didn't. But I'm worn down. Twenty-fucking-six years old. I've had my fun, if you can even call it that," he scratched at his snowy hair. "Everyone in the office does cocaine, most of the models and some of management."

"No shit," I sighed, crossing my arms. I now noticed their soreness from being twisted and tied above my head. "You tried it?"

"No. I've been offered more times than I could count, though. I'll never put anything in my body like that."

Of course not. Where I wanted to slip and struggle and decimate, he wanted to stand and grow and learn. In truth, we weren't all that different. We just made different decisions.

"But this painting is beautiful. Frightening," he approached the canvas and stood before it. "Can I buy it from you?"

"No," I rasped.

"Why not?"

"Someone bought it already."

"Who?" He glanced over his shoulder.

With a sigh I reached into my pocket, fishing out my wallet and handing him the evidence. Kaneki walked over and took the paper. His brow furrowed upon looking at the check.

"I don't understand," he shook his head, his eyes slowly widening and losing exhaustion. "What is this? Why?"

"He purchased three paintings. And this," I took back the check before he could destroy it.

"He can't even leave you alone..." Kaneki spoke through his teeth, now looking off. His jaw tensed, taut with anger. "I fucking knew it. I should've killed him. I had the fucking shot to kill all three of them."

"You couldn't have."

"Right," he responded with a thin smile, lifting his left hand and cracking a few fingers with his thumb. Last time I saw him do that he nearly split someone's head open. I swallowed, my throat sore from smoking and fucking.

He would have to understand. 

"I knew I made a mistake...I let him get away with what he did to you. That's why he thinks this is okay."

"He wouldn't know what's okay if it smacked him in the face."

"It wasn't enough," he shook his head, hands forming fists at his sides.

"You saved my life," I reminded him, stepping forward. "What wasn't enough?"

"All of it!" Kaneki finally released his stored aggression, his ears turning red and his face falling into his hands. "It means nothing if he's going to pester you forever."

"Maybe I shouldn't have said anything."

"Pointless to say so now," he rebutted, crossing his arms.

"Kaneki-"

"How could you?" His voice waned, sobbing already. "After everything I gave you...everything you wouldn't let me give you, you're going to turn around and take his money? His bloody, dirty money? You're just always going to take what he gives you, is that it?"

With his words, my face relaxed. He didn't even know what he was saying. I could hardly tell if I was angry or not.

"What he gives me," I repeated with a sigh. Closing the distance between us, I looked to his clouded eyes before taking him by the neck. He tried to writhe free, resisting as I pushed him back against the canvas. He wasn't stronger than me anymore.

"Let go of me," he whispered, looking to my eyes.

"You know exactly what he did, what he gave me," I narrowed my eyes at him, feeling the hostility bloom and spread. "You think he ever pulled out his cock and forced me on it? No. That'd be too...obvious. He fucked me in other ways."

Kaneki remained silent, strong, his jaw like an anvil. He wasn't going to budge.

"Imagine the sweetest thing you've ever felt. An embrace, an orgasm. Sweet, sweet attention," I murmured in his ear, doing my best not to tighten my hand. "Imagine that times one hundred. Imagine that in a substance, in a needle. Imagine that going into your neck more times a day than you can breathe."

I gently stroked the side of his throat with my thumb.

"He'd be gentle when it suited him...he'd be gentle and touch my face, say my name. Come to think of it, I was so fucked up then he could have been doing whatever he wanted to me and I wouldn't know. Or care. I only wanted one thing."

Silent he remained, only staring up at me.

"Yes. I took his bloody, dirty money. Sometimes in life you have to make a choice. Sometimes it's a sacrifice."

"Don't talk to me about sacrifice," he spat, holding my gaze. "I gave you a piece of my sanity. My humanity. I killed someone _for_ you."

"I know."

"And now you're going to throw that back in my face? Running off and taking this criminal's drug money? He's lucky I respect you. Otherwise I'd rip this apart," he fingered at the painting, his back tense against the canvas. "This is who he is. The monster in this scene."

"I haven't forgotten," I slowly released his neck, taking a breath and a step back. "I'm not a rich man, Kaneki. This money is going to my sister and her fucking baby by that cockstain you call a best friend. So shut the fuck up. Please."

Behind his eyes I could see what he was doing. What he was envisioning. Lifting the gun off the table and squeezing the trigger. Once, twice. One for each of his henchmen. Even if he could pull _that_ off- could he get to Arima in time? All I could see was Arima knocking him down easily with his stature, forcing the barrel of his gun into his mouth and pulling the trigger. He'd love nothing more than to kill him like that in front of me, leaving me in a sea of cerise. That was the only possible outcome I saw.

"Now look who wants to take care of someone other than himself," he spoke softly, backing away from the canvas. He had a quick glance before turning back around. "If he ever comes near us I'll cut his fucking throat open."

"I said the same."

"One of us actually means it," he growled, now bearing teeth.

I chose not to respond to that. 

Soon enough Kaneki released a shaky exhale, and with the breath he let go of his remaining anger. "I never even cared about what I did. Who it was...it was only for you...only you. I...I love you, Ayato-kun..."

He buried his face in his hands yet again, tears seeping through the cracks of his fingers. With a sigh I walked over and pulled him into a hug. Immediately he fell into me, wrapping his arms around my neck so tight I thought it might snap off. He cried quietly into my shoulder as I stroked his hair.

"I know, Ken. I love you too."

"Just don't let him come between us again," His voice was a plea, his body trembling in my arms. I held him closer. "Please...promise me."

"...I promise."

 

* * *

 

His hand folded in mine was all I wanted, all I craved. For him to be close. He was now- right beside me. I'd never felt farther from him in my life.

"She didn't even invite me," he began, staring out the window as the buildings moved past.

I glanced to the driver. Hired by the airport it was probably in his job description not to trouble himself with his passengers' conversations. I bit my lip and approached him as carefully as possible.

"I'm sure your invitation is waiting in your mailbox."

"No," he responded with cadence. "I haven't even heard from Hide in months. I haven't seen your sister in two years. They don't want me there."

"Why are you so certain?"

Kaneki met my eyes, exhaling. "'My brother is finally healthy, Kaneki. He even has a new boyfriend. Don't come back and remind him of what he wants to forget.'"

I scoffed at my sister's words from his mouth, now taking to staring out the window myself.

I would never forget what happened to me. Being in Japan or England, being with Kaneki or without him would not change that. Nothing would. I watched the snow swirl past us, a blur of white among the city's commotion. I squeezed his hand, oddly lacking its usual warmth.

"So what? She doesn't know a fucking thing. I'll make sure she does."

"She was right, though," he mumbled, hanging his head thereafter. "That's why I listened."

And I had thought the same. I wanted to stay away for his benefit, so he could move on and flourish like he was meant to do. That ended up happening for him. I got clean, but fell back into old habits. I wasn't enough. I was nothing.

"Doesn't matter now."

"Just be gentle with her, then."

"Yeah...right."

I didn't need my sister telling him to fuck off for me. That was my job and my job only. I knew she was only trying to help, to protect me from myself and what she thought I couldn't handle. But I was my own person, and had to make those decisions for myself.

After a break in silence Kaneki spoke up again.

"I guess it was stupid to think you'd be on your own. How long were you out of treatment before you sunk your hooks into someone else?" He spoke solemnly, leaning on his hand and glaring out the window. He was nearly void of all expression.

I pursed my lips, frowning. "Two months."

"What was his name."

"You don't want to know-"

"Don't I?" His eyes found mine and they were stone. Invulnerable and cold.

"Casey," I spat out, not wanting to recall or place names to faces. "What do you want me to say? I was drunk most of the time."

"So much for sobriety."

"I was in Ireland," I defended my position with a roll of my eyes. "He was just another drunk idiot."

"Oh?"

I had been numb at that point. Not from medication, not from being away from home- just from general lack of excitement. I stayed in Ireland for almost six months after treatment. I had met Casey in the halfway house. He'd just gotten out of prison for armed robbery. I didn't care about that, the crime or the details. We were all criminals and addicts. Casey had done his own dance with skag and promised never to 'go near the shite' again. I didn't care about that, either. I was purely physically attracted to him- not much else. He was a head taller than me, with untamed flaming hair and a toned body painted in tattoos. Once we were out of the halfway house we drank whiskey and fucked in the bathroom of the pub. That was all I needed, all I ever really needed from him. He was an insane fuck, so good that I stayed with him in Ireland for the next five weeks as his boyfriend.

It was Casey who introduced me to the underground fighting. He had a cut in the business, and had brought me one night to watch. While he was dealing with bets and money, I watched. The money interested me, but not nearly as much as the principle of the fighting. Hands only. First one down for ten seconds loses. If you die, you die. Surprisingly enough, I hadn't gotten into a fist fight since Urie fucked me on the floor that night. So I was more than intrigued. I thought it was what I needed at the time. Casey had no hesitation signing me up. I didn't think he was expecting me to come out the victor. None of the spectators were, and plenty of people lost their money that night. Usually the bet was placed on the larger opponent, but I was quick. That night they already started calling me Rabbit.

And Rabbit made a shitload of money. All to blow on Jameson and mediocre pot. It wasn't long before I found out Casey was dipping into my winnings, taking his cut as if he was out there every night putting himself in danger. I hadn't lost a fight at that point yet, so I figured I was valuable to him. He didn't take it too well when I confronted him with it. We had been in bed, the sweat still fresh on his back. We screamed at each other until I found him on top of me, pummeling my face to a pulp. He beat me to the brink of unconsciousness, stole my wallet and I never saw him again.

"He was another Uta who thought he could make money off of me. When I caught him stealing from me he beat my face in."

Usually I'd lie about this kind of thing. But what more could I do to him? Would another story of yet another man really damage him any further?

No. So I went with the truth.

Kaneki released a sigh, squeezing my hand. He shook his head, no doubt feeling foolish now.

"I-I'm sorry. I was being an asshole."

"You're allowed to once and a while," I shrugged.

"This man who hurt you-"

"It doesn't matter. He was in and out of jail his whole life. He's probably there now," I responded, though his current whereabouts were the farthest thing from my concern. "Punishment arrives. It always does."

"You're right about that," he mumbled.

 

* * *

  

Hinami offered us a space to stay while we visited. Her home was modest, a quaint two-story that looked like a dollhouse from the outside. I knocked on the door with my foot, carrying both Kaneki and I's luggage. Hina opened the door, greeted me with an exclamation and a hug, pulling both of us inside.

"It's so good to see you both," she looked up at us with her doting eyes.

She hadn't changed at all, really. Her brown hair fell to her shoulders, styled the same with her fringe. She wore a bright smile and vanilla perfume, her usual ensemble. It was more than good to see her again. There were several points in my life where I thought she'd never even want to set her eyes on me again. Luckily for me, she's kept me around. Growing up I didn't have a lot of friends. Hinami was really the only one that ever listened to me, or even cared what I had to say.

"Handsome as ever," she placed her hands on my shoulders and stood on her toes to peck me on the cheek.

When she turned to Kaneki, he was looking more stoic by the second. Hinami easily broke the wall with that smile of hers, taking both of his hands. "I'm so happy to see you here, Kaneki-san."

"You are?" He already had softened a bit.

"Of course. You're here with Ayato-kun. How could I not be?" She continued to grin. "You've always taken care of him. Thank you."

"Standing right here..."

"You're welcome, Hina-chan," he bowed before her.

"Come," she released his hands and headed into the kitchen. "I'm making chai. Ayato-kun, you can put the bags down upstairs."

As they walked further in for the kitchen, I found the stairs and ascended. Our room was like an attic, the only room on the floor. Inside it was larger than I expected, an open space with wooden floors and walls. The window overlooked the rest of the Ward, snowy and sullen in appearance. I set our bags down, walking over to the bed and taking a seat.

Was he still angry with me for taking the money? Or was it my sister's behavior? Or both? I couldn't tell. It seemed either way problems would find their way to occur. We weren't together two days and already shit hits the fan.

My phone buzzed in my pocket, another text I'm sure I didn't want to receive. I pulled out my phone with a sigh.

_Cookie: sent at 12:22  
**Are you coming to the wedding?**_

I glanced up, a natural reflex to ensure no one was snooping around.

_Me: sent at 12:23  
**Duh. It's my sister's**_

_Me: sent at 12:23  
**I'm already in Japan**_

_Cookie: sent at 12:23  
**Then why aren't you here yet**_

I slowly shut my eyes. Another thing to deal with.

_Me: sent at 12:25  
**Because I have a life, darling. I'll come when I can**_

_Cookie: sent at 12:27  
**K**_

With a roll of my eyes, I clicked off the screen to find Kaneki standing in the doorway. He was holding two mugs, steam climbing its way out.

"Everything okay?" He asked.

"Of course," I nodded and gestured him over.

With a meek smile he walked over and passed me the tea. I took the cup and he sat down beside me, lifting his right leg over mine. My hand found his thigh and my mouth found his. I tongued the broken skin of his lip, finding it to be a sweet spot. He moaned quietly, pulling back as to not spill his tea.

I looked away myself, having a sip. It was surprisingly sweet but still retained the spice of the tea. It tasted like a pastry.

"This is...really good."

"Hina-chan makes her own blends. They're going to sell them in the shop."

"Mm," I sighed with another gulp. It was freezing outside, and the tea was doing well to warm me from the inside. Kaneki stared out the window and drank, lifting his cup with reddened fingers.

"I'm sorry about before...in the car," he mumbled. "I'm sorry he hurt you."

In all truth, I deserved it. Any irrelevant beating I would take. The pain would not compare to what I put him through. What I put everyone through. So I didn't mind a few cracked ribs or a swollen eye. In fact, I welcomed it.

"It's okay."

"I mean it," his eyes were already bleary with tears. "And with your sister...you're probably right, you know? Let's just head over and see how she is."

"Alright," I nodded, taking my last sip. 

 

* * *

  

It wasn't until we were waiting at the front door that Kaneki appeared to be visibly nervous. And I had only just knocked. He kept sliding his glasses in and out of his pocket, fiddling with the first clasp on his expensive shirt. It was starting to make me uncomfortable.

"Ease up," I looked to him, my hands tense in my pockets. "It's not like we're meeting Marc Jacobs."

"I haven't seen Hide in a while, okay?" He ran his fingers through his hair.

"Hide, Hide," I mocked in his tone. "I swear, you'd think he's the one you were dating."

"What are you talking about?"

He could huff and puff and stomp his feet all he wanted, but I wasn't going to dignify his question with a response. He knew exactly what I was talking about.

"Point is, try not to slobber all over him in front of my sister, okay? She's likely very delicate right now."

"I would never-!"

"You wouldn't?" I raised my brows at him. "Please. The only thing that's been stopping you this whole time is your own insecurities."

"Ayato," he spoke through his teeth. "You stop this. Right now. I do not want to fuck him. I do not want to be with him. I want you."

"Right," I stared hard at the door.

Kaneki scoffed under his breath, void of any relevant words. I might've been a bit harsh with him, but I wasn't ready to go back three years. Back to him making doe eyes at Hide when I wasn't looking. Fuck that.

The door opened, Prince Charming standing behind it. Though it pained me to say- he looked good. Hide was wearing his Tokyo PD t-shirt and light wash jeans. He'd already look like a father if not for the mess of hair on his head, his golden locks long enough now to be secured in the back with a tie. There was light stubble dusted across his jaw, likely from his late night duties. I think his arms were bigger now, too. Of course standing here now with Kaneki, he looked the best I'd ever seen him. What kind of fucked up omen is that?

"Ayato-kun!" He exclaimed almost immediately, looking between the both of us. His brown eyes had found light, widening and fucking sparkling at Kaneki.

"I brought you something," I gave Kaneki a less than playful shove.

"I can see that," Hide laughed, his smile blinding as usual. He took Kaneki's wrist, the man still having not spoken a word. "Get in here."

I followed them inside, shutting the door behind myself and clicking the lock. We stood for a minute with each other, all uneasy except for Hide, who was smiling and shaking Kaneki by his shoulders.

"I missed you like crazy! Have you been checking your email? I can't always call..."

As Hide continued Kaneki just stood there, allowing Hide to fling him around. Poor thing.

"I'm gonna go find Touka."

"Of course. She's in the bedroom," Hide pointed in its direction though I already knew where it was.

I walked down the hall and lingered a minute, edging behind a wall's corner. I stayed only a moment.

"He's tall, isn't he?" Hide asked Kaneki with a laugh, referring to myself no doubt.

"Yes," he smiled. "I hadn't planned on that."

"There was a lot that was unplanned for."

With that he pulled Kaneki in for an embrace. He seemed surprised at first, but he relaxed at Hide's touch. At a slow pace he wrapped his arms around his shoulders and squeezed. It was odd to witness, Kaneki so very easily softening this way. They seemed to fit, and I wondered if this what people saw when they looked at us. The connection, the comfort found. The attraction. It was one thing to feel, another to see with your own eyes. I frowned to myself, leaning further into the wall.

Kaneki pulled back to press his lips to his ear. He whispered something to him, short and significant. Hide sighed, leaning back himself and pressing a kiss to Kaneki's scarred brow.

"It's fine, Kaneki."

What could that even mean? Was he apologizing for something? I knew it would poke at me, but I couldn't stand to watch their homoeroticism any longer. I followed the short, stuffy hallway to the bedroom.

Inside I found my sister seated on the bed, amongst a mass of papers. At the sound of the door she peered up, moving to get out of bed.

"Don't stop on account of me," I held my hand up.

"Hey," she greeted me with a tired smile.

Touka had grown her hair out over the years, flicks of lavender reaching past her shoulders now. Probably to feel younger again, who knows. I couldn't exactly say she was glowing. She looked tired and worn out, her skin a bit reddened. Still, I smiled all the same and leant over to kiss her forehead.

"What is all this stuff?" I gestured to the papers.

"Mainly contracts, maintenance regulation, investment documents...it's a lot," she stated, slowly rising her brows.

"Investments, huh? Already?"

"Of course. That's what helped start this so quickly. Yeah, there's a few. Including Dad and Ryouko-san."

"It'll be great," I forced a smile though I meant the words. My sister sighed, standing up to give me a proper greeting. She pulled at my waist, hugging me tight and brief.

"Are you okay?" She asked, looking to my eyes for answers.

"I am," I answered with a smile. "Actually, I'm great. I...brought a date to the wedding."

"Oh! Who is he? I didn't think you were seeing anyone..."

"Well, I wasn't. We just sort of found each other. You know him."

She scrunched up her nose with her inquiry, already looking suspicious. Touka crossed her arms, waiting for an answer. I exhaled, taking a deep breath before speaking up again.

"I was in New York. Who do you think I brought back?"

"Ayato," she was already backing away. "Don't tell me you brought _him_."

"I love him, Touka."

"I love him too!" She exclaimed, her face even redder now with her sudden outburst. "But you knew exactly why he left. And why you stayed away."

"That was years ago now."

"Ayato...all you did for each other was damage yourselves further. We've talked about this-"

"You don't know what you're talking about," I spoke, my voice a warning. "He's the only fucking reason I didn't die at eighteen with a needle sticking from my arm."

"I know. I know," she whispered, hanging her head. She laid her hand against her flat stomach and sighed, moving back to sit on the bed. She moved the papers and sat at its edge. "I know he helped you to see what's important."

"He did a lot more than that, Touka. He's saved my life more than once. I wouldn't be where I am, who I am- if not for him."

"You built your relationship on grief and drug abuse. I'm only looking out for you, Ayato. I don't want you going through the same pain," her lip quivered, and she quickly shielded her mouth. "I don't want you hurting yourself again."

"I told you, I haven't. Not since I broke the mirror."

"Good..." She nodded slowly. "Hear what I'm saying. It was too intense, too fast. You two didn't even have time to catch up with each other. It's not right, Ayato, and you know that. Why else would he go cheat on you?"

But I was the cheater. I was the one that had been passed around. I thought if he could see how disgusting I was, he would finally lose interest. I had been wrong about that. I tried to get rid of him, but in the end it wound up the other way around. Only he had successfully ridded himself of me.

"He didn't cheat on me. I was being a nasty whore and was trying to cover my own tracks."

"He didn't...?" Her brow furrowed. "Urie?"

"No. It was all me."

"Why? Why would you lie about that?"

So I didn't have to tell a single soul about the man who took me. So I didn't have to say I was so blitzed I couldn't tell which way was up. So I didn't have to say I was the one getting fucked on the floor like a wanton bitch. So I didn't have to say how difficult it was to even look at Kaneki. I looked at him, I saw Arima, and I was scared.

"Trust me, I had reasons," I mumbled.

"I can see you're not telling me everything. I don't even _want_ to know," she shook her head aggressively. "Fine. Do what you want. It's what you've always done. Just try and be safe for your own sakes."

"You're not exactly the poster child for safety, Aneki," I pointed to her stomach.

"Oh, fuck off."

"I mean, was it even planned? Or was Hide-fucking-yoshi too lazy to pull out of you?"

Her icy eyes went hot, her teeth gritting as she stared me down. I stood my ground, neutral as I crossed my arms over my chest. We faced off like this for a solid minute. Eventually she broke, looking down with obvious dismay. "No. It wasn't planned."

"Of course," I rolled my eyes. "Birth control. All I'm saying."

"It wasn't planned but I want this, I want all of it," she gestured around her. "This baby...I know I want her."

"Her?"

I felt a shot to my heart, the thought of having another sister. A _little_ sister. I'd made plenty of mistakes with Touka, more than enough with Hinami. This could be my chance to show them I could be brother they want, the one they need. My chance to start fresh with her. Nothing mattered more to me than my sister. As much as we argued and butted heads, I just wanted her acceptance. I wanted her to know she was safe with me, and that I wasn't some monster who stole her brother.

Touka nodded to herself, looking down to her stomach again and giving it a small rub. "I can tell."

I knelt down in front of her. "Nothing wrong with being a bastard. Mom and Dad weren't married when they had us and you don't have to be either."

"I know that," she reached for one of my hands and I gave it to her. "I don't think this is a requirement. That this is what people at my age do. It may be true, but...I love him. I want this life with him."

"I still don't trust him," I squeezed her hand in mine.

With an exaggerated roll of her eyes she brought her hand back.

"Nothing's ever happened between him and Kaneki."

"What makes you so sure?"

"Because," she responded sharply. "He told me that he was never able to...reciprocate. That he's his best friend and he couldn't see him any other way. He told me that he kissed him when he was scared for Kaneki's life. He thought if he stayed with you for any longer it would've killed him."

I could see it. His fingers slipped through his hair, taking his face in his steady hands. He kissed his bottom lip, against the scar. The mark he couldn't stand to see. He couldn't stand to know that his heart, his body and everything in between was _mine_. Kaneki tasted of salt and tears, Hide still tasted of my sister. Now I was nauseous. 

"That cunt," I cursed, feeling my hands tighten. "He's lucky he's your boyfriend."

"Fiancé," she corrected needlessly. "Why? What would you do? Kick his ass for something he did three years ago?" 

"And he was with you!" I gestured towards my sister. "Doesn't that piss you off?"

"No. He told me almost immediately. If Hide didn't have that talk with Kaneki, he'd still be in that apartment, in your old bed, hidden under the covers."

"Whatever," I scoffed. "Marry the douche, you're so adamant about it. But when he fucks you over don't come crying to me. I won't be the dad."

"Like I'd ever come to you," she spat, shooting up from her seat. "You can barely be in the same room with Hide, can barely see you're making the same mistake AGAIN. You're so fucking immature you just started to take care of yourself on your own. Or maybe you have another man waiting at home for you, one that has no choice but to take care of you and kiss your fucking ass. But you think I'd come to _you?_ My little brother, the junkie? Don't make me laugh."

A slew of insults ran through my head. It all crashed into me at once, and as I opened my mouth to speak I realized it would achieve nothing. I shut my mouth and shook my head at my sister, leaving the room before I could verbalize my thoughts.

Back in the living room I found Kaneki and Hide seated at the small dining table, steam rising out of their coffee mugs. As they laughed and chatted I sensed the tears running down my face. 

_My little brother, the junkie._

"Come on, Kaneki," I was standing next to the table before I even realized my feet were off the ground. "Let's go."

"But-"

"Are you alright, Ayato-kun?" Hide asked, a frown forming. 

"No, I'm not alright. And I don't see myself being alright anytime soon in this house where I have to fucking look at you."

Hide's jaw tensed, sharp and set. In fact, as he stared me down, I could see the anger in his eyes. This was a new sight for me. It brought a smile, one I concealed internally.  

"Ayato-kun, stop," Kaneki hissed, taking no time to challenge me. I ignored him.

"You can fuck and impregnate my sister as much as you want, but if I hear of you laying hands on him again- you're done."

Hide lifted his head, setting down the mug in his hand. Not once had he broken eye contact with me, an impressive feat in itself. 

"Are _you_ done?" One of his brows arched in question. "I should hope so. Listening to one more minute of your nonsense is sure to send me over the edge. I understand why you're angry, I do. But I did what I had to for my friend's life. It wasn't out of lust or spite. Just fear."

"You're a fucking liar," my voice lowered. "Don't think I don't remember all the times I'd catch you staring at him. The times you'd avoid even just looking in my direction. Do I disgust you that much? Or were you that jealous of me? How long have you really been in the closet, Ani? I'd love to know."

As I called him big brother a satisfied smile smeared across his lips. He glanced at Kaneki, who was giving him some sort of look of approval. 

"I'll put it in layman's terms for you," he sneered as Kaneki looked away from both of us, drowning himself in his coffee. "I was never jealous of you. Not once. In fact, I was happy for both of you at first. Even knowing your history. I wanted the best for Kaneki. That's what I've always wanted."

Even I knew that was not me. 

"When I started to see that wasn't happening, I got nervous. Understandably. You're a time bomb, Ayato. Everyone around you is scared and braced for you to go off at any minute. Do you disgust me? No. I never judged you for shooting heroin or taking more dick than an 11th Ward prositute. The only time I felt disgusted by you was when I saw what you did to your sister. And after wiping her blood off your knuckles I doubt you felt a damn thing."

"I could give a fuck," I spoke through my teeth. "What you think doesn't matter."

"Yes it does," Kaneki finally interjected, placing his mug down and looking up in my direction. "Because he's important to me."

"I know-"

"But? But what?" Kaneki raised his brows for a moment, all in condescendence. "You're angry he kissed me once? I came to your apartment with Nishiki practically walking out of it with his shirt on backwards. You told me you hated Urie, that he fucked you, and it was _good_. So leave him the fuck alone. He didn't do anything wrong and you know it."

He was right. In fact, he usually was. Almost one hundred percent of the time. But I hated Hide. I hated the way he looked at Kaneki, the way he inserted himself into my life and the stupid fucking smile always on his stupid fucking face. I couldn't admit defeat to him. 

"Maybe. Maybe not. I guess we'll see, Ani," I straightened out my back. "You better take care of my fucking sister."

"Like you took care of Kaneki?"

My stomach clenched up, the anger simmering within. The two people I cared about more than my own life stood in my way. They were the only ones stopping me from leaping across the table and smashing that coffee cup over his head. They were the only ones keeping him intact. "You're the luckiest person I know."

"In some ways," he crossed his toned arms over his chest. "But I'm not afraid of you, Ayato. No one here is anymore."

As my teeth tightened I looked to Kaneki, the supposed love of my life. He only hid from my contact, glancing down immediately and resting his cheek on his hand. If that's how it was going to be, I had no business staying. I headed for the door expecting him to call out to me, but the house was silent as a crypt. 

  

* * *

 

Trudging through the snow offered me no insight. I found myself growing angrier and angrier with him the longer we were together. I was at a loss. I was thinking things I didn't want to be thinking. Maybe it was a mistake. Maybe I was doing the same thing to myself again, as was he. Maybe we both knew that deep down, we were only each other's poison.

"Ah," he answered the door and greeted me with a sigh. "Look who decided to show up."

"Here I am."

"Come in," he gave a chuckle and a shake of his head.

Urie and I had remained friends throughout the years. He was an officer now, working his way up to detective. He somehow found a way to still be a commissioned artist as well. We collaborated often, and not just artistically. Nishiki had got sober and moved out of Tokyo and met a positively boring girl named Kimi, so I needed a replacement for him. In fact, it was quite difficult for us to see each other and _not_ fuck each other. It was doubtful he'd be joyous to hear I fell back into it with Kaneki Ken yet another time.

He ran a hand through his dark hair, shutting the door behind me. He looked exactly the same from what I recall. Same haircut, same dreary look in his eyes. He was wearing his Tokyo PD shirt as well with dark sweats. Once he closed the door he pulled me into a tight hug, pressing his lips to my shoulder.

"How are you doing?" He asked with a soft voice as I pulled back.

"Well as I'll ever be..." I muttered.

"Let's fix your current mood, then."

Before I could speak or tell him to stop, he was already pulling the zipper of my jacket. The evidence was clear enough when he removed it. I watched his eyes gravitate to the bruises and bites on my neck. 

"Hm..." Urie tilted his head and tugged the collar of my t-shirt down. The marks against my chest were darker. He frowned and looked to my hands. My wrists were a bit chaffed from the rope. Visibly so. 

With a sigh he slipped his other hand up my shirt, running his fingers along my waist. 

"You've been busy."

"Sorry."

We both knew I didn't mean it. 

"Right. So who have you been tumbling around with?" He leaned in further. "Someone you trust, clearly. Here I thought I was the only one tying you up."

I held my breath for a moment, his name sticking in my throat. "Ken..." 

"Kaneki?" He asked with clear disbelief. As I avoided his eyes Urie released one sharp exhale, taking a step back and removing his hands. He found himself against the door. "I see. It was inevitable, I guess. He was never able to stay away from you."

"I was in New York and he just...appeared. At one of my shows. I didn't even know I was ready to face him again. I didn't know-"

"You would fuck him? Please," he rolled his eyes. 

"We both know there's more to it than that."

"Can't fool me, Kirishima," a smirk tugged at his mouth. "That's all you really ever need. That and a substance. It's good you were able to limit it down to weed and nicotine and alcohol, but you still need your sex. The kind you can't have with Kaneki."

I didn't want to listen to another word. That was something I despised about Urie, usually the words oozing out of his mouth were actually material. I stood still and played along.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean you getting fucked in more public bathrooms than you can count on both hands," he took a step forward, continuing. "Do you think that's normal, Ayato? Have you ever even thought of why you do that? I would assume so during your therapy. So you know why, then. It's quite obvious. Then you just ignore it. Still. You're clean but you're still...Ayato. And you continue down your path of complete chaos."

My eyes shut.

"You know you can't be with Kaneki...he's not for you. And you for him. Does he even know what you think of Arima? How when you were withdrawing only the thought of your _abductor_ could sooth you? How willing you would've been to open your legs for him, even if it guaranteed your freedom or not?"

My relationship with Urie was bittersweet. I enjoyed his intellect and his company, his creativity and his dick. When I first returned to Japan I was hesitant to contact him, but he said that he would listen when I was ready to talk about it. He was familiar, and all the things I couldn't say in therapy I said to him. He hadn't lied. He was a good listener. But the bitterness came in where he uses this against me, targets my vulnerabilities with perfect aim. And every time he reamed me with one of his lectures, I came out on the other side with a fresh perspective. So, though it was unlike me, I actually gave a fuck about what he had to say. Cruel as it was.

"I don't care about that," he walked forward and brushed my face with his fingers. "You know I don't. Hell, you could go fuck the guy right now and I wouldn't care. Kaneki on the other hand..."

But there was something Urie didn't know. Something he didn't witness. The clear and fearless look in his eyes as Kaneki pulled the trigger on the Beretta. I'd never breathed a word of that to anyone besides him, and I intended on taking it with me to the grave.

So what could Urie possibly know? He wasn't wrong, but he wasn't completely right.

"So what?" I lifted my head. "You think you know me because we paint and fool around? You think you know the extent of what I've been through? Kaneki loves me. It doesn't matter that I was some twink getting railed left and right. It doesn't matter whatever I thought of Arima while I was withdrawing. It doesn't matter that we're mad at each other right now. He'll, he'll come back and..."

"He'll come back and what?" Urie shrugged his shoulders in question. "Decide if you're worth forgiving a thousandth time? You must've done something stupid to piss him off."

"Fucking Nagachika," I spat his name. "If Kaneki wasn't so wrapped around his dick maybe he could actually see that I only care. I only want to be-"

"Possessive over him."

"No," my teeth began to clench.

"You always were. You nearly cut my heart out with your eyes because I touched his arm once. So what happened?"

"They kissed."

Urie's brow furrowed in confusion. "So?"

"It's a big deal to Kaneki. They've been best friends all their life, and now he's marrying my sister. I can't do a fucking thing."

"Ayato," he laughed. "Hide is irrelevant to your relationship. Don't let him back in it again. You'll only make it worse for yourselves. But you're right about one thing...he loves you. And not in the same way he loves Hide. That's a good thing."

With his words I felt my heart rate decrease, returning to normal.

"You're right, Cookie," I muttered. "I have to keep all these people out of our relationship if we're expected to work things out."

"It's simple stuff, really."

"...thank you," I bombarded him with a hug, squeezing his shoulders. "Even though you're a complete asshole."

"Yeah, yeah," he ran his fingers through the ends of my hair. "Sorry, I'm more bitter than I thought I'd be. I'm...I'll miss you."

"I'll miss you too, Cookie. You're a good friend to me."

"I intend on remaining one."

"I should hope so," I pulled back to meet his eyes. They were relatively calm. I pressed a tentative kiss to the corner of his mouth, all I could leave him with.

 

* * *

 

Back at Hinami's I found myself deep within the covers of our guest bed. I hid under there and played on my DS until its battery drained and died. It was late now, dark even with the faint moonlight trickling in. I hadn't heard from Kaneki since I left Hide's house. That was fine, though. I needed time to collect my thoughts. What I would say to Kaneki...how I could properly apologize.

As I pondered this I heard the door creak open. At first I did not move, assuming it was Hina checking on me. But the footsteps grew heavier, and eventually the covers were lifted off of me.

It was Kaneki, shaded from the darkness. There were still flakes of snow stuck to his leather coat that probably cost more than my entire outfit put together. We looked at each other for only a moment. There was nothing to his eyes. It was a frightening sight, and it was growing more frequent...

Without word he dropped the covers. They draped over my face again and I was left in darkness. Nothing to say, then. I listened to him shed out of his coat and shoes, placing his things down in their proper place.

There was a rustle of fabric and the weight of the bed shifted. He had gotten in bed but not beneath the covers.

I poked out of my hiding spot and lifted the covers a bit as an offering. "Want some blanket?"

His mouth was taut from frustration, his eyes tired from it. Still, he scooted beside me and shared his warmth. Before I could cuddle up to him he raised himself up, leaning on his forearm as he looked down on me.

As I gazed back, I could see how tense he was. In his arms, his neck. He was still angry, his heart shelled and protected from the likes of me.

I ran my fingers against the sharp line of his jaw, his cool breath brushing my lips as he leaned forward. He took my hand gently, pressing it back down to my side. He glanced underneath the covers to my body, naked aside from my boxers. Kaneki pressed a quick kiss to my lips, an obligatory kiss that meant I'm going to fuck you and I have no nicer way of telling you. Once his lips were off mine I nearly sobbed, reaching for something that wasn't there.

He parted my legs and set himself between them. Beneath his shadow I felt small. I remember when he would kiss my tears and scars, the only place I could find solace was with him. Now he was running his hand down my body, over the muscles on my chest and abdomen. He leant down and kissed my chest, tasting the skin below my collarbone. I groaned from the sensitivity, my body already winding up. He moved lower, biting along the way. As I went to run my fingers through his hair I was halted by his movements. His left hand snaked around my side, holding me tight at the rib cage. He laid his right hand over my chest, brushing the nipple. I exhaled a moan as I felt him tease my skin, pulling at one and tonguing the other. As I groaned he held me closer, his grip strengthening. Though he had his grace he lacked his usual compassion. To my exclaim I found him biting at the sensitive skin, causing nothing but arousal. I writhed, pulling him closer to my chest. He sighed at my moan, as if the sound was tiring to him. He took me between his teeth again with less care. I wondered if he finally let go...

He had, he was ready to let go of his precautions because I'd pissed him off enough.

Once he pulled away he sat up, reaching for the table beside the bed. As he sifted I lowered my underwear, sliding them off. It wasn't long before he was squeezing out lubricant, his hand now slick. He pressed a kiss to my neck, breathing against my skin as he grabbed me in his less than firm grip. I held back a moan as he began to stroke, pulling until my skin was soaked like his. I ached in his hand with each motion, the moans beginning to slip out. He glanced down at me and I took his face, bringing him in for a kiss. He leaned out of my grasp, only showing interest in my cock and the pathetic look in my eyes.

I wanted to ask him why, how he could turn away from me. But I'm sure he'd throw the same question right back at me. If he just wanted to use me for the night, that was fine...it was all I was good for anyway. 

But I wouldn't have him not kiss me. 

I reached for him a second time, pulling on his white hair. He resisted again, this time easily shaking out of my hold. He continued to toy with me, massaging my swelling skin. And as I twitched with pleasure he watched me, watched the moans leak from my mouth. His eyes seemed to be less dull when he looked at me this time. He knew I was no good, but I had him. Kaneki saw something else in me from the very beginning. And it was difficult, we both struggled together. Then we lived our lives on seperate hemispheres, moving on as if nothing ever happened. Maybe not so much for him. He said he couldn't even be inside someone else without thinking of me. He said he would close his eyes and see my face. But that wasn't the worst of it. One starless night with Casey when I was blackout drunk off Jameson, we ended up having sex before bed as usual. And beneath the darkness of the sky I didn't have to see those dark, stranger's eyes staring back at me. He told me I whimpered his name all throughout the night, cried it out with my climax.

_Kaneki, Kaneki...Kan...e..._

Like a prayer, I repeated the verses. My unconscious mind knew exactly what I wanted, yet I myself at the time did not. I wouldn't have even known this happened if I didn't wake up the next morning with a fat lip. He told me I called him Kaneki, he backhanded me across the mouth, and I still couldn't stop. Pathetic as it was, I didn't care. 

And I could hear it in my head now. I'd never wanted anything so badly in my life, yet at every turn I was pulled farther and farther away from him.

As I simmered with warmth, he finally let his hand travel lower. It was a gentle touch, one that had my muscles tensing already. He teased me with the length of his fingers, my arms slowly wrapping around his neck. For whatever reason he permitted this, or ignored it. He only continued his act, the torture. He took his time here, ensuring I was more than ready. And as he fingered me I felt the satisfaction in every corner of my body. He stayed deep, edging against the spot that made me weak in the knees. I tried to keep my voice down as I clung to his shoulders, nails seeping in. With a free hand he pushed his bangs off of his forehead, a sheen forming on his skin. And as he worked his muscles, I cried for the release. For sex itself. For sex with him, because it wasn't like anything else I'd ever experienced. And I was experienced. 

I felt him pull his fingers, my own flexing from the absence.   

"Get on top."

It was a whisper, but that didn't make it any less commanding. I heard him unfasten his pants, falling beside me. Much as I wanted to admire him and lay my lips to his, I did as I was told. I wettened my palm before sliding it over his shaft. He moaned quietly, lifting me onto his lap. I was still a little sore from our last round, but I couldn't have cared less. I ignored the aching of my muscles, the pain in my hips and shoulders. I was ready for new injuries. 

Kaneki ran his hands down my back, soft-palmed yet sturdy and demanding. Our eyes met and he tensed even further, pulling me down on his cock by my waist. I moaned, shuddering against his body. He proceeded to touch me, kneading away at my ass with one hand and counting the muscles on my stomach with the other. Now when he looked at me he wasn't so rigid. He was water, moving and flowing along with me. His grip went back to my back, easing my hips into a rocking motion. I bit on my lip as I placed my hands on his chest, beginning to move myself. I was exhausted, upset- every word for disappointed; but it still didn't matter. With him he was my concern, that was all. If he wanted me to kill for him, I would. If he wanted me to die for him, I would. What was this called...? The other half of your soul? 

That sounded undeniably trite. I may not have been whole, but he was. He had given me a piece of himself thinking it would mean my completion. Something I'd have to live with until the day I die.

His lips parted with a moan, eyes slipping shut. He became more docile as I began to ride him, my hands squeezing at his pectorals. I found his gray eyes in the faint light again, bright with realization. He had allowed the power to shift, and was easily becoming puddy in my hands. No longer.

As his hold returned to my waist, he looked into my eyes while he thrusted into me. I fell forward with the pleasure, shielding my mouth in attempt to keep quiet. He was consistent, finding the deepest part of me with each stroke. I couldn't help but moan, and I didn't care if Hina heard. I didn't care if anyone heard. I only cared about this moment now and couldn't even see past it. I couldn't get past the way he handled my body. The way his hair began to cling to his beautiful face. The way he looked at me...with desire and disgust. 

I matched his motions, rolling my hips down as he continued. He finally released a real guttural moan, his head hitting the pillow. I cursed, feeling my body tire. As he sensed this he held me even closer. I fell against his shoulder, stifling my moans by biting on his skin. 

Then there was a gust of air, the impact of my back hitting the mattress. Once he was on top of me he pressed one of my legs back, having no time to tease me. He was only interested in fucking me like this, ignoring every action of mine and carrying on to reach his climax. If it was going to be like this, I could play too. 

I clenched the moans between my teeth as he released my thigh, now grabbing for my waist. I listened to his heavy breathing, slowly inching up his neck with my hands. As his cock filled me I cried, my back curving and my hands pulling him closer. I went for my kiss but he dodged me again, now pushing my hands off of him and swatting them away. I tried again, reaching for his face. I was rejected another time, another smack, but he still continued to revel in my body to his content. A growl ripped through his teeth, his movements becoming harsher. My legs were already liquid. I could feel how close I was, the static sparking.

I lifted my hand a third time, touching his chest. It travelled to the nape of his neck, urging him to come forward. He plucked my hand off of him.

So I lifted it a fourth time. I struck my palm against his cheek.

Kaneki winced from the pain of the slap, his jaw tightening. I watched his mouth shake with anger, his hands now snatching my wrists. He still moved his hips as he brought my wrists together, holding them firm in his left hand. It was painful, my bones grinding against one another. I guess he didn't need rope to hold me down. And as I watched his body move, watched his lips split and moan and curse, I felt my pinnacle arriving. He worked me even harder, squeezing me tighter as his free hand now began to tug at my hair. I came immediately, the pain in every inch of my body shattering into pleasure. It washed over me as I tensed, the sound of my orgasm now pouring from my mouth. He quickly covered it with his hand, releasing my wrists. And as I was still coming he began to thrust deep, his hand successfully silencing me. He watched my eyes tear as he fucked me, his turn following shortly after. As his seed spread through me I sighed, my body unusually weak and now dirty. 

He slipped out quick enough, rebuttoning his pants. He took a moment to rub the nape of his neck, rising off of me. In the thick silence, I stood and went into our bathroom. Lazily, I cleaned myself up only to return to a cold and empty room.

  

* * *

  

He had one hell of an arm. I palmed at my cheek, trying to rub the sting away. Ayato certainly liked his games. 

My thought process was that if he liked being fucked a certain way, I would deliver. No matter what he did, what he was going to do- I could never fuck him _just_ for an orgasm. He knew that well as I did. My heart was too tied into it, and if I tried to cut it off I got a slap in the face. Not that I didn't enjoy it. That was besides the point. If he was so disgusted by my kiss with Hide, I lacked the desire to give him one. I knew it would piss him off. Ayato may have liked his games, but I was guilty of playing along. Becoming an opponent rather than a partner. 

I wanted to give in. To collapse into his arms and forget everything that's ever happened, if only to live in the present. Ayato was stuck in the past, directing his rage towards Hide because he was the easiest target. Even if Hide didn't kiss me, it would be something else. Ayato would always find a reason to be angry with him. 

This is where I struggled. I couldn't possibly be with a man that despised my closest friend, a person who I cared for. A man who had surpassed my physical par, he looked better than I ever did at his age. I was never too worried with Ayato because of his short stature and slim frame, if he were to ever become out of control I could subdue him. That was no longer the case. He looked down on me now and could probably snap me in half with those biceps of his. But would he? I knew Ayato had no desire to physically harm me. I also knew once he had been set off there was no stopping him. 

A man who had always turned to vices in times of stress- smoking, fighting, cutting, fucking, heroin. I didn't judge him. I didn't blame him either. I was only worried about the future. Not of a relapse, but of the behavior that only damaged himself in the longrun. There can't always be a fix you turn to. Sometimes you have to suffer in silence. 

...the man who took my heart and ate it whole, and replaced it with his absence. He knew pain. He knew death and destruction, the two seemed to follow him around. He knew blood and blades, fear and flesh falling from bone. He had seen death countless times, he had been close to it just as many. He knew torture, true discomfort and manipulation.

I knew my own pain. It wasn't a competition. We were both hurting, the only ones able to provide the solution for one another. 

But...to hear of him taking that sociopath's blood money made my skin crawl. I knew why he did it, and it was for the right reasons. But that couldn't be it. That was too easy for him- Arima didn't give him anything without seeing him suffer for it. Even Ayato knew that. And when Arima comes slithering back around the corner, who will protect him? No one. It was already set in my skull- if we were to ever fully let go, Arima would have to die. And I was more than up for the task. 

To calm my nerves I headed downstairs to the kitchen. I poured myself some water before sitting at the modest table, rubbing away at my nighttime eyes. As I hydrated I took a few deep breaths in attempt to slow my pounding heart. I never thought this could be my life. Kirishima Ayato was still in it, to my delight. But I regressed. I was sitting back in Japan, back in the 20th Ward, plotting a murder. A plan I'd have to keep away from his ears. I didn't know how or when or where just yet, but I'd done it once before. What was a little more blood?

Just then I heard the front door opening and closing. Hina set her things down in the foyer, sighing as she walked in the kitchen. Too tired or careless to move, I continued to hang my head even though I heard her footsteps approaching.

"Kaneki-san," she greeted, winded and surprised to find me there. There was snow stuck to her knit cap and eyelashes, her nose a small red button. "...chamomile?"

I nodded slowly in response.

As Hinami prepped the water and mugs, she hummed. I often wondered how someone so sweet could be so deeply connected to Ayato. Hinami was a kind soul with a gentle voice and even gentler words. Ayato was a beast, a monster, a ghoul with little to no regard for anyone's safety or wellbeing.

"Hinami-chan?"

"Hm? Yes?" She peered over the counter, having to stand on her toes.

"Where did you meet Ayato-kun?"

"Junior high," she pulled off her hat, walking over to the table and taking a seat across from me. "We had math together."

"I just wonder how you two became so close. You're so..."

"Polar opposites?"

I nodded again. Hinami chuckled and adjusted in her seat.

"I suppose it is an interesting story..." She stroked her chin in thought before shaking the rest of the snow from her hair. "So, as I said, we shared a math class. He was quiet. He didn't have any friends at school, really. I'd see him by himself with his headphones or occasionally with his sister. I could see how much he hated it, hated being there."

"I'm sure."

"I sat in front of him. The first time we talked was in the middle of an exam, as he asked me for the answers to a few of the questions. He was intimidating...and handsome. I thought my heart could beat right out of my chest. Still, I didn't give him anything. I wasn't a cheater. Though I feared some backlash, he didn't seem too disappointed or surprised."

The tea kettle shrieked, forcing out steam. Hinami rose from her seat, continuing her story as she poured the boiling water.

"When I told my friends the aloof and attractive Kirishima tried to ask me for test answers and I said no, they chastised me."

"Why is that?" My brow furrowed.

Hinami chuckled once more, spoons clinking. "Ayato didn't talk to anyone. Nearly every girl in our grade had a crush on him and I was no different. I was lucky to be acknowledged, you see. We all thought he was the most divine thing to lay our eyes on. So saying no was blasphemous."

I couldn't help but laugh at her analogy. She brought over the mugs, filled with light and calming chamomile. I took my cup and the steam brushed my face.

"I have no doubt he was the cutest boy there."

"Then you can understand why my friends wanted to slap me. But I didn't just want to give him the answers, even if it was for a cute boy. So the next day I built up the confidence to approach him. I offered him free tutoring lessons in math. He sort of just stared at me for a minute, I couldn't tell if he was offended or not. But then he smiled and gave me his phone number."

"I guess saying no was the right thing," I blew on the tea, cooling it down.

"I think he respected me for it."

"I think so, too."

"So I taught him every other week. My friends were crazy jealous. I wasn't so nervous around him after I first tutored him. He had a sense of humor and was naturally easy to be around. Completely different from the quiet boy in my math class. We became fast friends. My crush grew but I wasn't so starstruck anymore. He was fun," she nodded in remembrance, smiling. "We were close fairly soon. He was my best friend. He didn't know how I felt about him, though. Even as people began to assume we were dating, he would laugh and give me a noogie, calling me his shitty little sister."

"Oh," I winced.

"No, he was truly oblivious," she took a sip of her tea. "I knew one day I'd work up the courage to tell him."

"And?" I brought the mugs to my lips.

"Another day came first," she lifted her brows, looking down. "It was..."

As I waited for to her to collect her thoughts, I sipped on the tea, its warmth seeping into my bones.

"There was three of them. Ninth graders. They came and began to harass him for his cigarettes. He told them to shove them...well, you know where. It didn't go well after that. The tall one pushed him and called him a queen. Ayato didn't even get angry. He didn't mind being someone's gay experiment. He actually felt bad for the kid, and went on for some lengths about internalized homophobia. You could see how embarrassed he was when Ayato started speaking to him in codes. Still, that only made them angrier. They jumped him right in front of me and I couldn't do anything..."

Hinami paused, what looked to be the ghost of tears welling in her eyes. She took a long sip of her tea to prevent them from forming.

"It was savagry. Those boys really hated him. Most of them did. Most of them who were too cowardly to be honest with themselves. But everybody knew soon enough, Ayato was gay. He said he was surprised everyone didn't know in the first place. He never tried to hide it. That wouldn't be the last time he got jumped like that. When I came back with school security, they were gone. All that was left were the bloodstains on the sidewalk. So I found his house, and that's the day I met Touka and the rest of his family. That was also the day he came out to his mother. It was really hard," she nodded, a frown showing. "He thought maybe I would never want to see him, be around him again. It was the opposite. We cried all night and rolled horrible joints and painted each other's nails. He has been my closest friend since that night and always will be."

I felt I could cry myself. Ayato never fit into his family, often finding comfort in other places. I almost wanted to thank her for being there for him at that time. Had she not have been, he would've found his comfort elsewhere. And it would've been toxic. 

It was hard to imagine Ayato being insecure over his sexuality. He seemed to have always known what he liked. He was quite open and free with it, something I was never able to pick up. After being consistently harassed and beaten down I'm sure he was finally able to look at himself with acceptance. Whereas I was always quiet, reading to myself and eating lunch by myself on the days Hide was absent. Plenty of girls had taken a liking to me for some strange reason, and for most of my life I pretended to like them as well. At first I just thought I'd never find true romance, that my heart was shielded muscle. Until I met my first boyfriend my first year out of secondary school. 

So I didn't know of Ayato's pain. I hardly had anyone paying me attention, anyway. I couldn't imagine being tormented for something so minuscule. It must've been hard on him. It followed him everywhere- school, home, juvie, I'm sure. He was made to believe he was wrongly different when he wasn't. 

"I know that's where a lot of his anger had stemmed from...much as he tried to hide it. He had gotten so used to getting jumped he couldn't stand to just take the beating anymore. He trained himself and learned how to knock down people twice his size. That's really the only reason he's so good at fighting, to the point of making money off it. He didn't have much of a choice," she shook her head and paused a moment. We both took a drink from our cups. "It wasn't long after he started kicking ass he started getting into more serious trouble. Trespassing, breaking and entering, assault, intent to sell, the list goes on. We were always friends but I knew he was nothing to control. I thought just by telling him to do something, he'd do the opposite. I wish I could've been stronger for him. I wish I could've helped him fight off those assholes. Maybe if I did-"

"Hinami-chan," I stopped her before she could progress. "You did everything you were supposed to do. Things happen the way they do, that can't be changed. You were always his best friend. You can do no wrong in his eyes."

"A best friend tries to stop their friend from doing anything stupid or potentially dangerous."

"Like you said: if you told him one thing, he'd do another. You were right to assume so. You can't control another person's actions...certainly not Ayato," I stared into my still cup before taking another sip. It was cooler now. 

"You're angry with him...aren't you?" She murmured, eyes transfixed on the mug in front of her. 

I thought of being inside of him just minutes ago and shoving away all his attempts to be tender with me. 

"I'm not sure angry is the word."

"I remember the night after Tsukiyama's party he told me that you were probably the nicest person he'd ever come across in his life. He said you cared about him when you had no reason to. He knew what he did was wrong...and that pushing you away was impossible. He had just met you but somehow knew you were going to be in each other's lives for good." 

"Truly?" I glanced up. 

Hinami nodded. "He won't always tell you what you need to hear. He's more likely to show anger than any other emotion...and you've seen it all from him. You know the side few others know. He's vulnerable. Especially for you, Kaneki-san. He'll never love anyone the way he loves you...and that's what it comes down to."

She pushed herself to her feet, bringing her empty cup back to the kitchen. 

"Like I said, everything will fall into place."

 

* * *

 

I slept next to him but I woke up alone. The following morning I walked over to Hide's, looking to spend time with Touka. I hadn't even seen her yet, she stayed in their room after Ayato stormed out last night. She probably wasn't too happy with me as I had assumed in the first place. I knocked on the front door, realizing I should have called first. 

The person behind the door was not who I was expecting. Their father seemed just as surprised to see me. He looked good as usual, in dark colors of thick fabric. It appeared as if Arata didn't age at all. Ayato will probably look as good as he does now in thirty years, maybe even better. He could thank his father for that. 

"Kaneki-kun," he held onto the door, brow pinching in confusion. 

"Kirishima-san," I gave him a proper bow. When I stood straight again I was bombarded by a less than timid embrace. Arata wrapped both his arms around my shoulders, leaving me pressed to his chest. I hugged him back and was possessed by an overwhelming sadness. No doubt this is what father-son hugs were like. I never thought I would know how one would feel.

Arata pulled away and looked to me with a warm smile. "Come in, son."

He brought me inside, shutting the door behind us. He led me to the small dining table where it looked like he was finishing up some paperwork. He gave an apologetic smile before clearing some of the papers. I thanked him and sat down. 

"I'm surprised to see you," Arata began, taking a seat. "Last I spoke with Ayato-kun he told me you moved to America."

"I did," I nodded. "During his treatment."

"I see," his lips pursed for a moment, casting his gaze down. "You did everything you could, Kaneki-kun. And more."

"Thank you, Kirishima-san. It was never for praise."

He smiled again. "I know that. So, you're here for the wedding, then?"

"Yes. Ayato and I are going together. We had a chance to catch up in New York."

Any remaining tension in his face dropped, his eyes clear with light. I could see I was giving him good news without even realizing it myself. 

"I still remember your face when we first met. You were looking at that picture of Ayato-kun with his mother and sister. You wanted him to be happy like that again. I could see it in your eyes, your intentions. I thought, _still_ think, you were made for him." 

I've had similar thoughts haunting me for the past three years. 

"You're family, Kaneki-kun. No matter what happens. I want you to remember that."

"Thank you...you can't possibly understand what that means to me."

"You'll always have a place in my home," he tipped his head. "I owe my child's life to you."

"Please-"

"It's alright, son. We don't have to speak on it," he waved his hand. "There's too much to do to be dwelling, anyway. The shop will open soon after the wedding and I have to start baking."

"I'm excited to see the location. If you need any help-"

"Oh! I'd love some," Arata jumped on my words like he'd been waiting to hear them since I walked through the door. "If you could come with me to the restaurant, I'll get twice the work done." 

"Of course, Kirishima-san. I'd be honored to."

"You truly are a saint, Kaneki-kun," his smile was thankful yet exhausted. 

"We'll see about that."

Touka's voice startled me from the hallway. I turned to see her standing with her hair pulled off her face and shoulders. It had gotten so long. It did her face great justice, to see both her crisp blue eyes and her pouting lips. She hadn't put on weight yet but I could tell she was pregnant. There was a luminosity to her skin. In fact, I didn't want to take my eyes off her. Although she was just standing without makeup in her bedroom robe, she looked as comely as any model in the magazine. 

"T-Touka-chan," I quickly rose from the table. 

"Yeah, yeah, you love me and I look beautiful. I _glow_. Shut up and come here." 

When I lost Ayato, I lost her as well. Touka was my sister, my family without blood. She was going to be a parent with Hide. Nothing made me happier for them, I knew she was going to be a fierce mother and Hide a caring father. I could cry just from the joy I felt, it was nearly a pain. 

I rushed over to Touka and pulled her close. 

"Still a sap, I see," she chuckled, squeezing my back. 

"I missed you," I shook my head. "I'm sorry, Touka-chan. About everything. I know I didn't listen to you-"

"It's alright, Kaneki," she eased back and looked to me with wide eyes, now holding my shoulders firmly. "Seems you've helped everyone in my family besides myself. I think I've found a use for you."

Without word she took my hand and pulled me in the direction of the bedroom. I gave Arata a wave while I still could. 

The room was a bit of a mess, papers and documents for the shop scattered about the bed and vanity, makeup compacts were littered about along with her vitamins and lotions. She had certainly nested in. 

"Ignore the disgustingness," she shut the door behind us. "The help I need is pretty simple, actually. Should be more than easy for you."

I could see now she was referring to the two dresses laid out on the bed. They were both fair and affordable pieces. The left dress was a deep shade of burgundy, with a wide pleated skirt. The right dress had no sleeves and touched the floor. It was an elegant shade of blue, light and almost iridescent. 

"I was going to wear my mother's wedding dress, but after I sent Tsukiyama his invitation he insisted he buy me a wedding dress that could pay the mortgage. So I thought I'd wear one of hers for the rehearsal dinner. Which do you think?"

I looked between the two another time.

"The blue," I chose without thought. "Matches your eyes."

"Guess you're a saint after all," she hummed, scooping up the dresses and walking over to the closet. After she hung up the dresses she sighed, turning to me. "Why don't you have a seat, Kaneki?"

I swallowed, my throat already scratching itself. Hesitantly, I took a seat at the edge of the bed. Touka followed, close beside me.

And with her usual abruptness she began what I could hardly call a conversation.  

"So? What did it?" 

...

Maybe it was just _seeing_ him. That in itself was like a drug to me. For me. I even thought at one point if I could just see him- just look at him one more time with my selfish eyes, I'd never need anything else again.

Maybe it was him slamming me down on the desk, my fingers curling around the veneer. He had always been the best at working my body, and I was never able to forget him in this respect. In fact, he haunted me. 

Maybe it was speaking to him again, hearing his sweet voice speak my name. Hearing him laugh again, even if it had to be at my expense. Hearing his words was just a reminder. His words eventually became markings on paper because I left him. I left him and made a name for myself, so now I'd be able to take care of him like I always wished. He'd want for nothing. 

Either way, it was a question I could not answer.

"...I'm sorry."

"Me too," she tore her eyes away. "Because I can't handle another round of this."

Touka cradled her stomach in her hands. 

"Touka-"

"I thought maybe by now it'd be easy for you," she gave a shake of her head. "With a successful career surrounded by gorgeous people all day in an amazing city. I thought you could let go of the junkie who put you through hell."

He might've put me through it, but I dragged both of us out of there. 

"He's not the junkie who put me through hell," I responded sharply, offended by her accurate choice of words. "He was...mine."

"Kaneki," her voice was laden with misplaced sympathy, it only registered to me as pity. She placed her hand on my knee. "I'm worried for you. I don't want to see you go through the same thing again. Ayato isn't the only one who loves you."

I exhaled heavily. "The same thing won't happen again."

"No one will ever know Ayato better than me. That's fact. He's going to hurt you again because that's what he's always done. He's selfish, self-destructive, promiscuous, violent. Why do you think I was so adamant you stay away from him? First thing he does when he gets out of rehab is hookup with some criminal. Now he does the fighting. Every time he walks down those stairs you won't know if he's coming back up. He's not any good," of this Touka seemed certain. I watched as she brought her hand back, crossing her arms and looking past me. "Not good for you, for me, or the baby. He may not be shooting up anymore but he can't even control himself around Hide. I don't want him near my child."

"I understand, Touka-chan. You have every right to make that decision yourself," I nodded. "But I'll continue making my own choices, I won't let you make them for me. I love your brother. I have for a very long time, probably longer than I even realized. I...I would kill for him."

She frowned, hanging her head and locks. "Don't you think I know that? I know how much you love him, how badly you want to take care of him-"

"This is past wanting," I shook my head. "I'd have already married him if that were possible."

"And you'd be the biggest idiot who's ever lived," Touka sighed before scooting closer and resting her head on my shoulder. "A very determined idiot. I only want the best for you."

"I know," I slid my fingers through her hair. "I appreciate that, Touka-chan."

"You've always been like a big brother to me, Kaneki. I want to protect you from him like I have from so many others..."

"There's nothing to protect. Soon you'll be married and have other worries. I've had enough experience with him to know what I'm getting into."

"There was a reason I kept him a secret from you and Hide and all my other friends. The last thing I needed was for you to go shoving your dick in my insane brother. Now look where we are," she sniffled, easing out of my grasp and rising to her feet. "He's your problem now."

I wanted to beg forgiveness for him, to plead her to let Ayato see the baby. Nothing would kill him more than her reinforcing the idea that he's a monster. But I couldn't. I opened my mouth but the words wouldn't come out. Because I had nothing to say in his defense. He could be as loving as he wanted, give her all of the blood money he's earned- it wouldn't matter. If he wanted to be apart of his niece's life, he'd have to make the effort. Not me. 

"Go easy on him, Touka-chan. He loves you more than anything else." 

That was all I could ask of her. She had no response, choosing to shut herself behind the bathroom door. With a sigh, I left, rubbing away at my eyes. The aching pain went straight to my head. 

 

* * *

 

I had to wait until the sun set. That was another rule. I was waiting all day for this. As I smoked down a cigarette, I mused if this would be the last time. Doubtful. 

The door opened and I followed the dark steps descension. I could already smell the blood, close to tasting it. It was familiar. The scent of blood and sweat, my skin already growing damp from the temperature and my own anxiety. Sounds of blows landing, shouting for the losers and cheering for the victors. 

"Hey! It's Rabbit," at the bottom of the stairs I felt a few slaps on my shoulder, a pat on the back. Faces were recognizable but not names. I had only fought twice in Japan, the name I had built for myself was infamous in the UK. Still, I was notorious enough that someone will always know who I am when I reach the end of those stairs. I could be in Japan or Wyoming or Sicily, it wouldn't make a difference. The greetings were the same everywhere. 

_It's Rabbit._

_Hey, Rabbit._

_That's him? That's it?_

_I could have him on his back in two seconds._

_Kick ass tonight, Rabbit._

_Rabbit!_

_I heard he takes it up the ass._

Shame to say, I never once cared what they thought about me. What anyone here thought about me. I was here for one reason. I made a beeline for the roster, scribbled down _Rabbit_ and waited my turn in the corner. There were a good amount of people tonight. Forty, give or take. Inside it was nothing but underground concrete walls and floors. Stained with blood and vomit and who knows what else. The lights were kept purposely dim, so much so that sometimes it was too difficult to make out someone's face. Once I backed myself into my usual corner I sparked another cigarette.

"Excuse me?"

I looked up from my secluded spot to see a kid standing in front of me. Couldn't have been older than fifteen. He had a small frame along with dark hair and eyes, a plain face one would easily forget. With his hands clasped behind his back I could sense his unease. He was much too young to be in here regardless. 

"I don't teach," I plucked the cigarette from my lips, exhaling thereafter. "I didn't have any kind of training either. I can't help you."

"That's not what I wanted," he murmured, looking down and now abashed. 

I sighed, gesturing him closer so I wouldn't have to shout over the screaming. He shuffled over, looking paler and paler as he approached me.

"You should get out of here, kid."

"I wish I could. I can't. My uncle comes every night and forces me along," his brow furrowed as he spoke. Suddenly I sensed his distress. It sent a chill down my spine. "He says I'll get kicked around my whole life if I don't learn now. But the only one who's kicked me around is him. And worse."

As I saw the pain flash in his eyes, my heart gave a loud thump. I cleared my throat, concealing any emotion and leaving only coolness behind. I crossed my arms over my chest.

"Going somewhere with this?"

His mouth twitched for a moment, twisting in brief anger. He quickly collected himself. "They call you Rabbit, right?"

I nodded, taking another puff.

"I saw you fight last time you were here. So did my uncle. You brought that monster to the ground as if he was my size."

A laugh escaped in remembrance. That fucker never stood a chance against me, much too slow. That was the only way anyone stood a chance- if they had speed. Still, it had been a difficult fight. It was nearly my third loss.

"My uncle has wanted to fight you since we saw you that night. He wouldn't shut up about you at first. Now that you're here he'll pull every string to get in the ring with you."

"That's what you want, isn't it?"

"No," he spoke. I felt the air around him go still, his face steady and calm. "I want you to make sure he loses. He's never lost before."

"He was already going to lose," I chuckled, resting a friendly hand on his shoulder. "Now I'll make sure of it."

"Embarrass him. Embarrass him so badly that he'll never want to come back again," his vicious words snaked out through his teeth. The suffering in his eyes was clear. I didn't need details, I didn't need names. I'd heard enough. I originally came just to bleed a little bit but now I was helping some kid. "And I'll pay you back. Anything you want...anything."

I knew what that meant. I'd heard it come out of my mouth more times than I could count. With a sigh I shook my head. 

"You don't owe me anything, kid. Of course I'll kick his ass for you."

"T-Thank you," his eyes widened with relief as he nearly collapsed to his knees. He caught himself, shielding his face instead. "Thank you so much, Rabbit."

"It's Ayato," I dropped my cigarette, mumbling as I walked past him. 

Now I was up next. My opponent called himself Manson. I wasn't scared for myself, but for the kid. Wouldn't just beating him up make him angrier? More likely to take out his frustrations on his nephew? Or maybe the kid already had a plan for himself. I'm sure he did. Now all I had to do was what he asked of me. It should be simple enough. 

Fighters shuffled in and out of the grimy locker room, whistling at me as I walked in. I was thankful to find it empty once I settled with a locker. I started with my coat, shedding out of the leather. Then my jewelry, removing the first three earrings and then the rings on my fingers. I set them down on the metal, now taking to emptying my pockets. All I had was my wallet, phone and cigarettes. I took off my boots and socks, shoving them inside as well. I pulled my long sleeve over my head, shaking out my hair and retrieving a band on my wrist. I tied my hair up off my neck. Just then I heard the door slam shut. 

"Rabbit."

Manson was my height. With dark, cropped hair and an intricate yakuza tattoo across his chest and down his arms. He was a bit bulkier than me but not by much. He might've been handsome if I didn't know the things I already knew. He had the eyes of a soulless man with poor intentions. 

"I finally meet you," he smiled, a few teeth dislodged. 

"Why don't we meet in the ring?" I shirked him off, looking out of his direction. I was thankful he was staying several feet away. 

"Oh, we will. I smash pretty boys like you into dust every week."

"Not one _this_ pretty," I still paid him no attention with my eyes as I reached for my belt buckle. 

"You all start to look the same," I could hear his footsteps approaching, but I didn't move an inch. "Pretty eyes, pretty lips- but you always have an empty head."

"I'm about to empty your head if you don't back the fuck off," I growled, my stomach stirring. I looked to him over my shoulder to see a shit-eating grin, though he did take a step or two back. 

"What are you doing here, anyway? I thought you dated Red back in Ireland. Before he smashed your face in."

My jaw tightened at the thought. I unbuckled my belt and slid it off.

"Yeah, he was quick to brag about that," I placed my belt in the locker. "Why? He yours now? Watch out for that hook."

"Funny," he scoffed. "My wife is-"

"I could give a fuck about your wife," I shut the locker, the ringing of metal outweighing his voice. Finally I turned to face him. "Does she know you drag that kid here? Smack him around? Suppose it won't matter after tonight."

"Won't it?" He rose a brow. 

"No," I smiled. "Not while you're eating the concrete." 

Manson beared his teeth for a moment, the anger rising to his eyes. I stared him back down, my jaw beginning to shake. At that moment the bell rung, signaling for everyone to gather and the fighters to step in. I waited until he retreated, silently strutting off. I followed a few moments after. 

The ring was nothing but a very low cement stage with no net on the borders. It was crude, really only for boundary purposes. As I made the short walk to the ring, spectators would holler and call my name. Same for Manson. I've also had a few different women assault me with phone numbers or undergarments. It was all white noise to me and it always would be. I didn't care for admirers or glory...only for the sensation of making someone bleed. And if I was lucky I'd bleed a little myself.

My opponent was already in the ring, his friends cheering him on as he threw a few practice punches to the air. The noise began to fade, my vision tunneled. I could only see Manson throwing his formed punches with his colorfully-inked hands. I couldn't see him, but I felt the boy watching me. I couldn't disappoint him. The bell rung once more and I lifted my feet. 

In our stance we faced off, fists raised and circling one another. Watching his eyes I could see he knew to be cautious. I also saw no clear sign of any weakness. Certainly not physical. I wouldn't need one. I had enough fuel on my fire that his hits wouldn't even touch me.

"Hit him!"

Luckily for me, his friends encouraged him to act. 

Manson threw a punch for my face. I saw the steps: form a fist, lift your fist, swing your fist. I frowned to myself as I caught the fist barreling towards me. I wasn't even two minutes in and I was already predicting his movements. My hand absorbed the shock of his punch, and with my free one I smacked him across the face. The spectators oohed at the bitchslap, it was rarely seen at a place like this. Only punches were thrown here. If you were to slap someone, you were delibrately disrespecting them. My message was received loud and clear. 

A small welt began to form on his top lip, blood dripping to the crease below. I smiled at him, cracking a few knuckles. 

His nostrils flared before he gave a running shout, charging in my direction. I caught him yet again, his momentum unable to even lift my feet off the ground. So I stopped him by the shoulders, and lifted my knee. Once, twice, I bashed his face before taking the back of his neck and throwing him to the ground. He groaned once, his right eye already beginning to swell up, a murky mixture of red and purple. He wasn't on the ground for more than a second, already to his feet. Now I provoked him to use his speed. Once he was upright he rushed me again, throwing high and low punches as fast as his hands would allow. I dodged most of them but took a few hits to the gut, a blow to the face that split open my brow. It didn't hurt.

Still, I was impressed by his stamina. He put me on the defensive, leaving me with no choice but to block and dodge. The crowd went on to jeering _Rabbit_ , waiting for me to lay this motherfucker clean on his back like I'd done for the three hundred motherfuckers before him. I'd been in 318 fights since leaving the halfway house. I've won 316. That was the reason people knew my name. I had been defeated twice in only two years. Casey told me that was a record. I didn't plan on losing a third time. 

So I waited for a lull in his movements. There was none. His punches flew towards me with persistence. I ducked a high throw, dancing around him and driving my foot into his calf. He grunted and lost his footing, wobbling to his left. I took this opportunity to get behind him, placing my foot to his back and lunging him forward with a kick. He fell face first against the edge of the concrete, you could hear the bone meet cement. That's when the shouting got much louder. As Manson coughed on his own blood while his tooth scattered across the floor, I looked to the audience. They were impressed, seeing that I still hadn't put much effort into the match. I wiped the blood off my brow and gave a wink to a cute guy in the crowd. His skin went white, eyes widening as he yanked on the sleeve of one of his friends. Maybe I didn't mind the admirers so much. 

Just as I turned around to see Manson's state, he was already darting towards me. I had been too late to see him coming, and I suffered for it. Three times his fist met my face, bruising up the same spot. The crowd grew hesitant as blood leaked from my nostrils, my footing less steady than before. Manson laughed once, loud and arrogant before swiftly kicking me in the chest. The adrenaline helped to aid the crushing pain, even as I fell to my knees. 

"Don't give up now, pretty girl," he urged me with both hands, turning his head to spit out blood.

I pushed myself to my feet, though my legs were still a bit unsure beneath me. He was there watching, still...

Another blow to my stomach. He was faster than I anticipated.

But I kept my promises.

I caught the next fist that came towards me. With a yell I drove my fist back deep to his sternum. He coughed and choked, searching for the oxygen I had stolen from him. I tightened my grip on his fist, taking him by the elbow. I forced the bone of his forearm upward, feeling it rattle beneath my strength. I couldn't wait to see the white of his bone pierce through his flesh.

"Wait!" 

That only meant one thing here. _Mercy_.

In those dead eyes I saw his fear. And that caused me to hesitate. I didn't want to hurt a person looking at me with those eyes. Eyes I recognize. Eyes I own. 

The crowd was still going wild, ready for me to deliver them real carnage. But my grip loosened.

And I was on my back. 

I forgot who and where I was for the moment. There were no rules here, and he had undermined me the best way anyone could. Through my sympathy.  

I didn't feel the next punch. Its sheer force knocked my head to the right, to see all the faces of the people who thought I was invincible. They looked disappointed, angry, sad even as they continued to bellow. But one face stood out to me, in the blur of distaste there was elation. Her eyes lagged as they followed mine, still dull as she smiled. It couldn't be...

With a growl Manson went for another hit. I cocked my head so his fist rammed straight into the concrete. He cursed with the pain. I pushed him off of me with a weak sweep of my arm, staggering to my feet again. Our eyes connected and she turned to leave, her pink locks trailing behind her. 

"Ihei," I snarled under my breath, taking a step towards the mass of people. The crowd looked as confused as I was. 

Then I felt Manson move behind me, shift to take me by the shoulders. I turned and grabbed his wrist, dragging him to the ground. I glanced up again to see Ihei ascending the stairs, a smile still curling her lips. Why the fuck was she here?! 

Was _he_...?

A flash of his pallid face made my nerves wriggle and tingle, the site in my neck going hot. My palm covered the area, as if I was protecting it. In this realization, it occurred to me that Kaneki was right. He had always been right. He would never leave me alone. 

Instead of crying I screamed, pulling myself on top of my opponent and shoving his face into the ground. Blood spattered my face and chest as I hit his head to the ground like a basketball to the court. They chanted my name and counted down Manson's ten seconds. At ten I was winded, releasing the grip I had on his hair. I rose to my feet, spitting out the excess blood in my mouth. 

They announced me the victor and everyone cheered so loud their cries began to echo. I looked in the crowd for my nightmare come back to life. She had disappeared, and as I swept the blood off my face I wondered if she was ever there at all.

 

* * *

  

I made a fair yield, the victory streak kept my rate up. Back outside in the snow I folded up the bills and tucked them into my wallet. Once I looked up I was met with a familiar face.

"I-I didn't mean to follow you," Manson's nephew spoke, still a bit scattered. "I just wanted to thank you again."

"Not necessary," I shoved my hands into my pockets. 

"But it is," he nodded, taking a step forward. "There's something else I wanted to thank you for."

I stood in silence, waiting for a response. The snow fell on us, quiet as the alley we were in. The boy cleared his throat and looked to me. 

"My father used to fight too. As much as my uncle. They called him Dean because he was the dean at my secondary school," he began, brushing his hair off his face. "He was good. Not as good as you, but good enough. More victories than losses. The only reason he and his brother started this was for my aunt. They couldn't afford her medication."

"Medication for what?" 

The boy scoffed. "Why should I tell you? Do you even _care,_ Rabbit? Did you care about my father as you beat him within an inch of his death? Did you care as you knocked every tooth from his gums? Did you care as you shattered one of his kneecaps leaving him lame?" 

I exhaled, my heart wincing at his words. 

I remembered his father. He looked nothing like his brother. He was thin, pale and polite like his son. I remember coming back from Ireland with my nose still broken from Casey, and signing up to fight the minute I got off the plane. Unfortunately it was this boy's father that was put in my path. I did almost kill him, though he didn't put up much of a fight. I couldn't see past the red. He was just another victim of mine, and by extension, his son.

"Your father knew the rules when he signed up," I told him, taking a step forward. 

"Yeah. Maybe," his lips pursed. "But after he couldn't walk my mother left him. He became a shell after that, wouldn't even talk or look at me. Wouldn't get up to eat, shower, have a piss. The doctors said he had so much nerve damage in his brain he couldn't even realize what he was doing. What he wasn't doing. You turned him into a fucking vegetable."

I clenched my jaw. The cold weather was no comparison to the ice on his words. 

"I watched them wheel him away on a gurney. I haven't seen him in two years," he shook his head at me, the tears falling as his entire body quivered. "And then my uncle. You gave that criminal exactly what he deserved."

"I am sorry," I spoke as sincerely as I could, walking until I was right before him. "About your father. But I can't change the past, kid, I really wish I could. Let me give you the yen-"

"No," his voice was firm. "I don't want your money. You took care of him, but what about _you,_ Rabbit? What do you deserve?" 

"Worse," I nodded with certainty. "Much worse."

"That won't save you," he smiled slightly. "I saw you in there. Everyone did. You love it. The fighting, the blood, the screaming. You probably love the pain, you sick fuck..."

I remained silent. I couldn't argue with the truth. 

The boy continued to cry, weighing into heavy sobs. He shook his head viciously before looking up into my eyes, his damp and red with hysteria. He spoke through his teeth, a tear falling with each word. "I never thought I could hate this much...but you're a monster. And now you've made me one, too."

I heard a piercing sound, an exhale escaping my mouth unconsciously. The boy cried harder and harder as I peered down. He had stuck me with a knife, taking my arm and pulling me further onto the blade. Even though it looked to be a kitchen knife, he knew exactly what he was doing. This was a plan. And then the pain came. I felt my brow crease as my left side tempered, growing hotter by the second. The knife slipped from my skin, carving its way out of my rib cage. All five inches of steel coated in a dress of red, unraveling and tapping against the white pavement. I took a breath and heard a squelch, my head going incredibly light. The boy grew grainy against the snow, his figure mixing with the white around him. I still heard his weeping. 

I choked a few times on what I realized to be my own blood. I stumbled as I felt it cascade from my mouth. It tasted as if I was chewing on pennies. My trembling hand went to the wound near my abdomen, using what strength I had left to apply pressure. Blood seeped through my fingers and the crease of my lips. My eyes shut for half a second, and when they opened again I was in the snow. I watched as my blood bloomed across the snow like paint poured on a canvas. His figure began to recede, leaving me in this red slush. I pressed the wound tighter, a pained cry escaping me. I didn't want to die out here in the cold, but it was walking over to me and offering me a hand. Death had always been seductive. But I didn't allow myself to be enticed. I listened to the sound of my heartbeat slowing. 

There was a shuffle of footsteps a few feet down the alley. My vision had already went gray and I couldn't see a thing. I shut my eyes and held myself tight.

"Kids these days," a woman's voice sighed, condescending and calculating. 

"NO! NO!  _PLEASE-_ "

It was quiet enough to hear a pin drop. All I heard was a silenced gunshot, the thud of a body hitting the snowy ground. I felt single a tear glide down my cheek. 

Ihei chuckled before I opened my eyes to her, statuesque and snow-dusted. 

"Can't say I've missed you."

Something lifted my body, but I couldn't tell what. I had already been caressed by unconsciousness.

 

* * *

 

"Okay, how does this look?"

Hinami stepped to the side to show me her setup. At the center of the table she had placed a small cappuccino cup topped with peonies of white and yellow and blue petals. Around the cup there were three small, scentless candles flickering under the air conditioning. It was simple and tasteful.

"Are you sure you don't want tablecloth?" Hinami ran her manicured nails over the polished cherrywood.

"No, that'd be too much. It's perfect," I smiled at her, giving her round cheek a brief pinch. "Thank you."

"Anytime," she beamed.

I took a deep breath and glanced out the window, resting a hand over my stomach. I was thankful that the most stressful part of opening the shop was over. We had picked the perfect spot just five minutes down the road. It was a little bigger than Anteiku, with plenty of set tables and an extensive bar. The tiles were large and checkered, the walls dark and paneled. Plenty of sunlight crept through the ubiquitous windows. It left the shop with a golden glow, bouncing off of the tabletops and glass cups. And though I was absorbing light, I felt anything but.

"You're feeling well, I hope?" Hinami asked, stepping back into my view. "You look distracted."

She was right. Rather than being concerned with the rehearsal dinner and the guests and the food and the music and the venue and if I'll even be able to make it through the night without vomiting- I was concerned with my nearly-estranged brother's ex-boyfriend. No, my fiancé's closest friend. No...my friend.

"That's because I am," I gave a slow shake of my head before turning away from the windows.

"Everything will go fine. Having the dinner here is a great idea," she reassured me.

Together we sat at one of the unset tables in the corner.

"It's not the dinner I'm worried about," I responded as I took my seat. Hinami frowned, a crease forming between her brows.

"The baby, then...?"

"No, no," I waved that off. "It's Kaneki."

"Kaneki-san?" She seemed confused by this, tilting her head. "Why?"

"You know exactly why. Because they're both here. Together."

"Yes, they're staying in my guest room," Hinami mumbled, looking off and ashamed as she twisted a brown lock.

Well, they were certainly right to go to Hinami for bed and breakfast. I could barely look at Ayato. Still, I reached over the surface to take her hand in mine. I squeezed it once, assuring her there was no issue. She'd done nothing wrong, she was only doing what she'd always done. Helping her best friend.

"You don't want them to come to the wedding?"

"Of course I do. I needed Ayato here. We'd been getting along so well these past few years," I swept my bangs behind my ear. "I thought he would come and support me. I was scared to death at first...the initial thought of being a mother..."

"I understand," she nodded.

"I still feel like I could tear my fucking hair out. Especially now. He came with Kaneki and brought their baggage with them. I don't need that shit. Not now," I released her hand and leant back in the chair. My lips pursed as I glanced out one of the windows. "I didn't invite him for a reason."

"Touka..." She frowned. "Kaneki-san is the only person who can really reach him. They'll work themselves out, I have complete confidence in that. Nothing will get in the way of your wedding."

"Right," I couldn't help but roll my eyes. "There's a reason he left him in a psych ward and flew to the other side of the world."

"You're right. That was the only way that could have happened. Your brother is fine now. He's-"

"You don't actually believe that, do you?" I scoffed. "He's doing better, I can't deny that. But if he keeps going to those fights he's going to die. I swear, sometimes I think he wishes for it."

I watched as Hinami's brows pulled together. She lifted her hand and cupped her mouth, taking an extended inhale. I pressed my lips together as I realized I had upset her. Hinami was like a little sister to me and I could confide in her with anything. She was part of my family. But ultimately her loyalty lied with my brother, and to hear me prattle on about him so aggressively was difficult for her. With an exhale she lowered her hand.

"I'm sorry, Hina," I mumbled, glancing down.

"Don't be. You're right. I've thought the same thing," I saw her nod in the peripheral of my vision. As I looked back up to her, Hinami's eyes were fixed on the space before her. On nothing. It was odd to see her so withdrawn. "But no one can teach Ayato a thing. He has to learn for himself. We both know that."

Guilt set in as I looked away from her lifeless eyes. Even just speaking his name now breathed negativity into the atmosphere. I hated that. I hated that things were this way, that I didn't notice he needed me when he did. I hated that I could have been a better sister. But when the guilt washes away, I grow angry. He wasn't my responsibility and now I'll be bringing someone into the world who will rely on me completely. I needed my sanity for that.

But I couldn't give up on him. My mother would haunt me.

"I'm sure he'll be fine," I spoke up. "And so will Kaneki. I'm just worried. And hormonal."

"I try not to worry about Ayato-kun," she finally gave a smile. "He's stronger than we'll ever know."

That was certain. I could never know the extent of what he's experienced, but I knew enough. 

With her final words, the front door's bell gave a small chime. The first person I saw step through the threshold was Hide. He was holding a box full of paperwork, setting it down on the nearest table just to work his way over to me. 

"Hello, Touka-chan," he smiled wide, as he was known to do, and offered me his hand. I took it, and rose to my feet. 

Hide wasn't alone. He had brought two guests, one of them a familiar face. Eto had already begun poking around, clearly taking a liking to what she was seeing. She oohed and ahhed at the decor before spinning around to greet us, her curls following after her. 

"It's nice to see you, Touka-chan," she grinned, revealing freshly whitened teeth. She was wearing a red suede coat with a beige turtleneck dress. At her feet were Louboutins, the same shade of red beneath her heel. I always wanted a pair of those.

"Likewise," I felt my mouth twitch with the lie. Extending an invitation to Eto was a formality. She went to my school, was friends with some of my friends. It would have been rude not to. 

"And congratulations to both of you," she looked between Hide and myself. 

"Thank you, Eto-san," Hide tipped his head. 

Eto hummed before turning to Hinami, looking down at her. "And it's always lovely to see you, Hina-chan." 

Despite what she was feeling, Hinami smiled at Eto. She showed no discomfort. If I could count the times I heard Eto cackling with my brother's idiotic friends about her...

"You too, Eto. You look very nice."

"Thank you, dear," she smiled back and adjusted her bangs a bit. 

Now I looked to the person Eto walked in with. The first thing I noticed was how tall he was. Certainly taller than my brother. As he stepped closer I saw he really did lord over us. His hair was stark and white, as if the color had been scared out of it. Yet he was refined, from his bone-structure to his clothing. He was wearing a dark sweater along with a white trench coat. His slacks and loafers were dark as well, black. In fact, the man looked a bit like Kaneki. It was uncanny. His eyes scanned mine behind thin-framed glasses, and in that moment I felt hesitation within myself. I took a step back, walking into the table. It only appeared that I lost my footing, Hide immediately helping me to adjust. But I didn't lose the feeling to distance myself from this man. Something about his eyes were off. 

"I'd like to extend my congratulations as well," he gave a brief smile, offering his hand to Hide's. He shook the man's hand firmly.

"Thank you. I don't believe we've had the pleasure."

"We have not," he tipped his head in confirmation. "My name is Arima Kishou. I've made an investment here in your shop, due to Eto's suggestion here." 

"Arima-san is a brilliant businessman," Eto sang, latching onto his arm. "I thought it'd be a fabulous idea to invest."

I looked between the pair. Eto was smiling up at him now, while he appeared indifferent. It looked as if he was repressing a smile, though. He eventually gave and had a chuckle with her. Maybe he wasn't so odd, he was handsome when he smiled. Were they a couple? He couldn't have been younger than thirty-five. 

"Thank you, Arima-san," I spoke up, immediately taking his attention. "You will certainly see profits in the future."

"I have no doubt, Kirishima-san," his smile did not fade. 

"Call me Touka."

"Touka," he nodded.

"Is that the new Smashbox lipstick?" Hinami's brown eyes widened as Eto retrieved a tube of lipstick out of her coat pocket to reapply. "I wanted to buy that shade, but..."

"It would look perfect on you!" Eto faced her, her own excitement showing. "Come on, let's go try it on. I wanna see the bathrooms anyway."

"Oh, okay," Hinami agreed as Eto took her hand and hurried over to the restrooms. 

"Eto was a ward of mine, somewhat," Arima explained once they were gone. "I'm friends with her father. They never quite got along. I did my best to teach her to fend for herself, protecting her along the way."

"I remember Yoshimura-san telling me when she ran away," I looked to his dark eyes, scanning them for that original falsehood I felt. "You took care of her?"

"When I could."

"That's kind of you," Hide added from my side. "She says you're brilliant in your business. What business are you in, Arima-san?"

"Weaponry," he responded. "Holsters, specifically. There's a market for everything."

"Interesting. There certainly is," Hide nodded, raising his brows."Thank you for your business, Arima-san. If you'll excuse me, I have to finish filing these papers."

Hide bowed before returning to the table where he left the box stacked with papers. He carried it into the back office and before I knew it I was left alone with this acquaintance. In the silence our eyes met, and although he smiled it felt as if he was looking through me. A chill ran down my spine. 

"Please, have a seat," I gestured to the table where Hinami and I were previously sitting. 

"Thank you," he took the chair and sat down. I did the same. 

"If you don't mind me asking, why the interest in our small café? You seem like you'd have expertise in other areas."

"You are right. Be that as it may, I like to support the small businesses in my neighborhood. I grew up here, giving back is something that's paramount to me," he explained. "And of course Eto brought you to my attention. I was happy to contribute, certainly to a family I respect a great deal."

"You know my family?" 

"I've met your father before in his restaurant. Your mother as well, some time ago. I'm sorry for your family's loss, Touka-san."

"You're kind, thank you," I tipped my head. 

"And of course there's your brother."

"Ayato?" My voice raised a bit with question. "How could you know him?"

"I don't," his lips pursed into what appeared to be a frown. "But I'd like to. I know his work, I've purchased a few pieces myself. He really is very talented."

"Talented at being a deviant," I muttered under my breath. 

Arima chuckled at my petty comment. "If he's an artist, I would assume so."

"Being an artist can only be an excuse for so long."

"I don't mean to pry, Touka-san, but you seem upset. You should unburden yourself. It's almost your wedding day, after all."

Maybe it would be nice to gain an outside perspective from someone who wasn't connected to the situation at all. I brushed my bangs from my face, tucking them behind my ear before beginning. Who knows, maybe having more people listen to me complain would help.

"It's Ayato...I'm worried about him. Let's just say he doesn't make the best decisions, and I'm afraid he's making another mistake."

"And what might that mistake be?"

"He brought his ex here for the wedding. I think they're together again, I mean, how could they not be?" I shook my head to myself. 

"They're together...?" Arima repeated, sounding more confused than I would expect. As I looked up I saw his eyes focused on the table in front of him, clearly perturbed by something. 

"Yeah. And he did help take care of my brother when he needed it, but, I want Ayato to move forward. Not backward. I want the same for him."

Arima glanced out the window, musing for a moment. 

"Sometimes it's hard to let go of someone," he replied, his voice soft. "Especially if you feel a connection."

"You think by now they'd know what is and isn't good for them."

"No," he laughed to himself. "You'll see as you get older. You'll continue to pick what isn't good for you. What's most attractive, what's most obvious, what's most familiar."

"That's all it is, isn't it? They're just familiar with each other so they can't let go."  

"I don't know Ayato-kun or his boyfriend, I can't speak on them. But anyone with eyes can see from his artwork; he's been through unfathomable pain. If anyone can ease that pain..."

Arima's gaze drifted back to the window, his eyes fixated on the cars cruising by. I was surprised by his empathy, it was as if just speaking of my brother poured his emotions into him. I cleared my throat, gaining his attention once again. He looked down with a smile. 

"For your own sake, Touka-san, you should be more understanding. Let him make his own decisions, and you make yours. Live this beautiful life you've created for yourself to the fullest. I've no doubt your brother will be apart of it."

I'd never think a stranger would have the words I needed to hear. All this time I spend worrying about Ayato and his boyfriend is time wasted on myself, my pregnancy and engagement. It was time for these thoughts to slow down, to go back to thinking about veils and seating arrangements. 

"Thank you, Arima-san. You're very wise."

"I try to be of some assistance," he gave a polite shrug. 

We shared a small laugh, my phone ringing in my pocket afterwards. I pardoned myself before taking the call. 

"Hey, Dad."

_"Hey, Touka-chan. You're at the shop, right? I'm nearly there with the cupcakes for tomorrow and I left my key at home."_

"Yes, yes, I'm here. I'll let you in. You're still with Kaneki?"

_"I am."_

"Okay," I nodded. "Thank you guys again. Just walk in, the door's unlocked."

_"Sure thing."_

I hung up and looked to the man across me.

"Well, you won't be meeting Ayato, but the next best thing is on his way."

"You get along well with his boyfriend?"

"Yes, he's Hide's closest friend. We were close, too, for a time," I clicked my phone screen to turn off. "Sometimes I wonder how my brother didn't tear him to pieces."

"He must have been stronger than you thought," Arima smiled before rising from his chair. "Excuse me for a moment, just heading to the restroom."

He pushed in his chair before walking off to the bathroom. Just as I heard the men's room door seal shut, the front door swung open. My father and Kaneki were both holding two large cake boxes. For the rehearsal dinner I asked him to make his cupcakes. They were a special recipe that he created for the restaurant's menu. Coconut and just a hint of lime. Both of them gave quick greetings before heading to the back and setting down the boxes. Seconds later Kaneki returned, exhaling heavily and pulling off his glasses. 

"Thank you for helping, Kaneki," I rose to greet him. 

"Of course, Touka-chan," he smiled, still catching his breath as he tucked his frames away. "Anytime. Your father is gifted, I've already learned so much from him."

"I'm sure," I chuckled. "There was something else-"

"Please, let me apologize," he looked to the tile before meeting my eyes. "I'm sorry I showed up uninvited. I never wanted to upset you. I never wanted to upset Ayato, with Hide or anything from the past. Especially on your wedding day. This is about you, Touka-chan. You, your brother, Hide, your father, you mean everything to me. I'd give anything if it meant all of your happiness. I just want you to know that. If you don't want me at the wedding I would understand."

"Idiot," I shook my head furiously to prevent the tears. They still came as I pulled him by his shoulders into an embrace. "You and Ayato are uncles now. That means coming to all the stupid family gatherings even if you don't want to." 

Kaneki released a small laugh of complete relief. "Thank you."

"Don't," the tears continued to run as I held onto him. "I need both of you around."

"And we will be, Touka-chan. I promise."

I pulled back and he took it upon himself to brush the tears away. I rolled my eyes at his kindness and he laughed, his eyes bright again. 

And as if someone flicked a switch, the gentility drained from his eyes as I heard a shuffle of footsteps. The gray had shifted from clear skies to a thundering storm, just barely contained. Who could he possibly be looking at with those eyes? Not at me, certainly, but his discomfort was contagious. I clasped my hands together and stepped back, turning to see who was there. 

"Kaneki, I believe it was?" Arima was walking over, not the slightest bit affected by his glare. 

I glanced over to Kaneki. I could see the tension had left his face, but his eyes remained more than wary. They hadn't once looked away from one another. 

"That's correct," he offered his hand. "I haven't had the pleasure."

"Arima Kishou."

Kaneki took his hand and shook it firmly, slow to release it. Now he looked better, much less uneasy. Maybe he just had a small bout of nausea or something...

"A pleasure indeed," a smile touched his lips. 

"Arima-san is our newest investor," I told Kaneki.

"That's great."

Kaneki still hadn't taken his eyes off of him. In this moment of awkward silence Arima cleared his throat. 

"Um, Arima-san said he's bought some of Ayato's paintings. Is he around? I'm sure Ayato would want to meet him." 

"Oh, I'm certain he would," Kaneki continued to smile, now looking over at me. "He's not right now at the moment. But I'll pass along the message."

"I appreciate that," Arima tipped his head. "But I should be heading back now. It was very nice to meet the both of you. If you could tell Eto I went back to the office, I'd be grateful." 

"You should come tomorrow," I insisted, speaking before he could turn away. "And to the wedding. We'd love to have you there, really."

"I'd love to," he immediately accepted, as if he was expected to be invited. "Thank you, Touka-san. Kaneki."

"Have a good day," I called out to him. 

I observed Kaneki as he watched Arima exit through the door and walk down the street. It made sense. Ayato had always been a little...loose with boundaries. Especially the ones in a relationship. I'd keep him far away from Arima if I was Kaneki. 

"Bet you didn't know Ayato had fans, huh?" 

"That's the problem with fans..." Kaneki's brow furrowed. 

"What?"

"It stands for fanatic." 

 

* * *

 

I thought I was drowning. On the back of my tongue I could still taste the blood. I was relieved when I stopped breathing, thinking the pain would finally stop. But it carried out into my unconsciousness, into my dreams. All I could hear was rushing water and the sound of my small, wheezing breaths. It still hurt. It hurt so badly I thought I was screaming this entire time. At least I was in my head.

That's probably how he felt every day. Like he was drowning. Like he had been stabbed in the gut. Like someone stole his life out from under him. I suppose it was only fair, I knew this was nothing I didn't deserve.

"He doesn't look good," Ihei's voice was distant, but still audible. "If you can't save him, he'll make sure you get it just as bad."

"Don't think I don't know that."

Yomo-san...I was surprised to hear him with emotion in his voice. The last I spoke to him was after I left Ireland, he had met me in England. It was very brief. He told me to stay safe, to stay out of Japan. We didn't talk about Arima, we didn't talk about Uta or Kaneki. I knew he was perfectly aware of who killed his friend, but he never seemed upset with me. We only talked about myself, being clean, fighting, why my nose was broken. Yomo had always seemed oddly rational, a trait I was extremely envious of now. He had known what was coming for Uta, and he was smart enough to get out of the crossfire.

But if I could hear his voice now, that would mean he isn't free. Not from the past and certainly not from Arima.

"So then do your fucking job. The only reason you're even alive is because this brat likes you so much."

"The only reason I'm alive is because Arima likes this brat so much, you mean."

"And if he dies-"

"He won't die," he responded sharply. "I'm not going to let him."

"Hm, maybe. But it looks like he's already gone and killed himself."

"His immune system is completely shot...his lung is punctured, it's already filled with blood. I'll have to drain it and re-inflate it, but-"

"But nothing. You _will_ make sure he lives," her words were nearly a hiss. "And if you can't save him and I end up having to bring him to a hospital, I have no problem telling him exactly who his mother's brother is and how he ignored him his entire life."

I heard each sentence, but it wasn't registering to my brain. I could only determine their voices, their tones. But they were speaking gibberish. Probably about how these moments were my last, how the blood was rising in my lungs with each passing second. How disappointed Yomo was with me, because he had exercised caution at every turn. And he promoted I do the same. I never listened to him.

"You'll do that over my dead body."

"I'm fine with either outcome."

"Get out," Yomo snapped. "I can't work with you breathing down my neck."

Another length of silence. 

Sometimes I wondered why things like this would occur. Actually, that was all I would do. I would question everything. Why were things this way? Why did this happen to me? Why was I the person who I was? 

It applied to all circumstances. When I went to jail, when I killed my mother, when I got the living shit beat out of me just for liking boys.

Why was I dealt this hand?

It couldn't have been for nothing. I refused to believe that anymore. I knew I was built to endure. To survive these horrors and live on to tell them, to encourage those who need it to make better decisions. 

To be happy...

Everyone was deserving of their happiness. I was no different. I couldn't be happy if I was dead. Yomo would do his best to clean up the mess and stitch me back together, but the rest was up to me. If I walked out of here, would I continue to put my life in danger? Or would I finally focus on what's important? Now that I had Kaneki back in my life, nothing was more important than keeping him in it. Keeping him in it and being there for the birth of my niece. Staying in her life. I couldn't continue this way of living, not when I had a family. I had a partner to support, a pregnant sister to care for. They were more important than a rush of adrenaline I'd get from a stranger socking me in the face. 

"I wasn't there because I was selfish," Yomo spoke up once more. "I was too busy dealing drugs and getting into fights. Getting arrested. Sound familiar?"

There was a short chuckle. 

"She didn't want me near Touka. She didn't want me near you. I never had the chance to apologize to her. But I can apologize to you. Once Uta brought you in with your foot blown off I should've taken you and ran...I never wanted this life for you. But I was a coward, terrified that some of me might rub off on you and your sister. Looks like that was inevitable. Even after she died, I still wanted to respect her wishes. It might've been different if I had been there," his voice grew softer. "No point in thinking like that, but it's true. You've grown up beautifully, Ayato-kun. You're nearly there. You know what the right thing is, so do it." 

I still couldn't decipher, it felt like his words were flooding my brain in an incoherent mess. But I sensed the love behind them, the warmth. It wasn't lascivious or romantic, but...familial. He loved me and I didn't know why, but I could feel it. Even though his friend was dead because of me. Even though he was serving Arima because of me. I didn't need to understand or know when or why or how. The sensation, indescribable and intangible- was all I needed. 

My eyes opened moments later. It could've been months or hours. I wouldn't know. 

I was in another white room underneath harsh fluorescents. Most of the room was bare, nothing but the cold tiled floor and the machines hooked up to my body. I looked to my right to see the heart monitor, steady in its beeping. I settled further into the bed, my skin sticking to the linens with its sweat. They had changed me into a hospital gown as well, a hideous pastel shade of blue and rough to the touch. I knew this was a makeshift room because it was too small, too suspicious without windows and a heavy iron door. It also smelt like blood in here, and I saw none of my own. Its stench was stained to the walls.

I sat up carefully, immediately feeling the pain on my left side. It was like someone was jabbing me in the ribs, poking the organ beneath. I took a small inhale, feeling my lung shake a bit. That poor boy. He didn't know I was near indestructible. But he knew enough to stab me in the torso, to find my lung and prick it so it would take on water like a boat with a crack in its hull. He wanted me to suffer, to choke on my own blood and die. The reality of it was sinking in now. That child wanted to see me in pain more than anything else. He was willing to risk whatever he had left, which wasn't much. And now he was dead. I wasn't. 

I lifted my left hand, looking at blood packed underneath my fingernails. Through the haze of my fingers the door opened, Yomo walking through. He was wearing gray scrubs, a good amount of my blood still smeared on the fabric.

"Yomo-san," I rasped, feeling my legs twitch underneath the thin blanket. I went to move, noting that my limbs felt like they were in quicksand. They were heavy, not unlike my head. 

"You won't be able to move for a bit," he stepped forward until he was about a foot away from the side of my bed. "It's the sedative."

"The sedative," I repeated, looking to his eyes. The more I stared at them the more familiar he felt. I frowned. "Will you sedate me again before taking me back to Arima-san?"

"He won't have you," his brow furrowed. "Not while I breathe."

There it was. I felt it in my unconscious state and even more so now. 

"Why do you care so much?" I tested. "Why not just cut my throat and let this end?"

"If you were to die by my hands or under my care he would make sure I die in the most hideous way possible," he took a step closer. "You dying would not solve my problems. Or anyone's, for that matter."

"No? You didn't answer my first question. Why you care about me. Is it because of Uta?"

The crease in his brow went deeper. He clasped his hands behind his back, clearing his throat before speaking again. "You really do remind me of myself. In more ways than you could ever realize. I'm sorry, Ayato-kun, I can't say anymore."

"I don't even want you to," I shook my head, squeezing my eyes shut. "Come here, please."

Yomo walked over until he was right beside me. Without words, I asked for him to sit down. He did so, taking his seat carefully. I didn't have to say anything else. He leaned forward and lifted my body to his, holding me tight enough but not to the point of pain. I used all my strength to throw my arms around his neck, wires pulling. I couldn't hug him in return, I was completely drained of all energy. Just holding him was enough. He cradled me and took to rubbing my aching back. I didn't care who Yomo Renji was or where he came from or what he was hiding from me. I knew all that I needed to know from him. I didn't need to know everything. I knew that I felt safe with him. He was my friend, my family. He saved my life twice and probably a few more times that I didn't know about. 

He laid me back down with care and I winced along the way. The pain in my torso had spread throughout most of my body. 

"Why are you here?" I asked him. 

"Less than a year ago, he found me. I don't know how. He knew we were still in touch and that's all he needed to know."

"He let you live, Yomo-san. He let you live after-"

"After your boyfriend put a bullet between my friend's eyes? Yeah, he did. Three million yen kept him away. Much as I loved Uta, I loved my life just a bit more."

"Loved...?" I repeated. I saw his eyes go blank, fixated on nothing. 

"It doesn't matter anymore. He was an ass."

"Yomo-san," I reached for his hand. He let me take it, shelled around mine. He was cold to the touch. "I never wanted to take him away from you. I never wanted to take anyone away from anyone! My mother, Uta and Kaneki, that boy...they've all suffered so much because of me."

"You're right," he looked to me again, squeezing my hand. "So make sure it wasn't for nothing."

"I won't," I shook my head. "I'm done fighting."

"That's good to hear, Ayato-kun. I don't want ever want you on my table again." 

"I know. Thank you, Yomo-san. I'll get you out of here, I promise."

Just then the door swung open again, Ihei walking through in her usual attire. A suit and a gun at her hip. 

"I take it you're feeling better?" She smiled as she walked over. 

My teeth tightened against each other as I looked into her careless eyes. "Don't pretend like you weren't waiting for my heart to give this entire time, you hateful bitch."

"I won't pretend I would've minded if you died choking on your blood like the sour degenerate you are. But I'm in charge of your protection. Alas, here we are."

"Protection?" I repeated. 

"Arima-san wasn't too happy to learn what you've been doing these past two years. Rabbit, they called you. Cute name. 316 wins. Or 317 now, I suppose. And 302 of those wins were consecutive. A worldwide record. They still payed you like shit, but it was never about the money, was it?" 

Ihei kept her eyes on mine as she took slow steps around my bed, to the opposing side. She sat beside me with Yomo and smiled with her eyes, pink and withered like a dead rose. 

"Was it, Kirishima-kun?" 

"No," I looked to my bruised hands folded in my lap. 

"Estranged from your father and sister, abandoned by your handsome boyfriend, a semi-successful artist at best; you thought no one would've cared if Kirishima Ayato died in a cement pit with his brains leaking from his head. You were wrong, love."

All I could feel now were my muscles tensing, aching and crying due to my wound. My hands had already curled into fists, tendons shaking underneath torn skin. 

"So he had me come to stop you. As you could see I was too late. Too late to stop your attack as well."

"Doubtful," I snorted. "You probably lurked from the corners and watched him pull me onto the knife."

"Maybe, maybe not. Regardless, this is the consequence of your actions."

"You're right," I glanced up at her. "And your consequences will be paid, as well. You murdered a child."

"I defended you. I followed my orders."

"You're a thrall. Completely loyal, completely thoughtless. When you bring me to Arima-san the first thing I'm going to ask of him is to let me watch him put a bullet in your brain."

Ihei's brow twitched. The realization had washed over her: there was validity to my threat. Quickly enough, she gathered herself.

"As I said, he's upset with you," she rose with a sigh, crossing the room. "I can't wait to see how he punishes you this time. He waited for you, so you'll taste the sweetest. And once he's done using the parts of you that he needs, well, maybe he'll let his friends have a go. We'll see if he does you the kindness of drugging you first." 

Her threat was hollow. It still struck fear in my heart. With a chuckle she slipped out of the room.

"Yomo-san-"

"No one will hurt you again. I promise," his words were brash yet well-intended. 

"No. They won't," I shook my head once. "I need to get home. Get to Kaneki before-"

"You're not strong enough. You need at least twenty-four hours to rest."

"Fuck, the rehearsal dinner is tomorrow. I have to be there."

"You can't. You need fluids, medication, monitoring."

"...then I just need to make a phone call."

 

* * *

 

It had been a day since I'd seen him. It'd been three hours since I'd seen Arima. I didn't like those odds. After I helped finish setting up the shop I visited another. I bought a cheap 9 millimeter and a silencer. I didn't have the license to conceal and carry, but I wasn't too worried about breaking the law. 

As I emptied my pockets and laid the gun on top of the dresser, I ran my fingers over the metal. Could he have gotten to him already?

I wasn't one minute into my thoughts when my phone began to vibrate. I picked it up, the caller's ID blocked. I took a deep breath and released it before accepting the call.

"Hello?"

_"Kaneki?"_

"Ayato," I recognized his voice in an instant. "Where are you? Please tell me you're safe..."

 _"I am,"_ he confirmed. _"You have to forgive me, Kaneki. Please. I didn't keep my promise."_

I exhaled, my breath a tremble. "Tell me where you are." 

_"I went to fight last night. It was a mistake. There was this kid...he was waiting for me all night. He planned it out perfectly. A couple years back I turned his father comatose so he shanked me the minute I walked out the door."_

"Stabbed?" I repeated with disbelief. "Someone stabbed you?!"

_"It's not as bad as it sounds. But the boy who did it is dead. Ihei made sure of that."_

"Ihei..."

The pink-haired woman with the mocking eyes and slick remarks. Arima's underling. I eyed the gun. 

_"You were right, Kaneki. He won't leave me alone. He learned I was fighting and came to put a stop to it. For my safety."_

I didn't understand the man's sick obsession with Ayato, and I didn't need to. I picked up the gun. 

"This is all my fault," I rasped, looking to the weight in my hand. "I should've finished this job years ago." 

_"No, Kaneki. You've done more than enough...more than anyone has ever done for me. Let me take care of him. Once and for all."_

"He's here, you know."

_"What?"_

"He was at the coffee shop with Eto-san. He's made an investment with your sister."

_"That motherfucker..."_

"He was talking at lengths with Touka-chan before I arrived. She invited him." 

Ayato went silent on the other line.

"I said if he comes near us, he's a dead man. Don't worry, Ayato-kun. He won't be at the wedding."

_"Kaneki, don't you dare fucking act without thinking. There's too much at risk."_

"Like you, I've never been good at that," I mumbled, sliding my finger over the trigger. "Whose phone are you using?"

 _"Yomo-san's. Once Arima-san learned we were in contact once he snatched him up. He heals for him now,"_ he told me. _"He says I have to rest. I can't be there tomorrow."_

Perfect.

"I'll take care of us, Ayato-kun. Like I always have."

 _"Kaneki, I need you to listen,"_ he pleaded. His urgency more than reached me through the speakers. _"I understand your anger. If someone had done to you the things he's done to me...nothing would be able to stop me from skinning them and wearing their face. But you can't go off on your own with this. Everyone is at risk: me, you, Yomo-san, even my sister and the baby inside of her. I'll be back before the wedding and I will have handled the situation by then."_

"I believe you, Ayato-kun."

_"Tell me you'll listen."_

"I will," I closed my eyes and lied.

_"Thank you, Kaneki. I love you."_

"I love you, too."

If I didn't act soon, Arima would take Ayato from me again. He would take him from his sister and his home, his friends and his artwork. And who's to say what he'll do to him this time? Uta was dead. He really had no real use for him, and the only other thing he could use him for would not happen. Not while I lived. I would die before letting him take my partner away a second time. 

But I wouldn't. No, the only person that was going to die was him. And before I give him the mercy of ending his life, I would have him look me in the eyes and tell me why. Why Ayato was so important, is so important to him. Of course it was all vain, disguises and finery. I knew his soul to its core. Past the gorgeous make up of his body. I shuddered to think of what Arima wanted to do to him. What he already did to him. Lying to myself and waiting for spring was a mistake. Arima would die in the cold, suffering, questioning as to where he made his fatal wrong turn. 

The next evening, I dressed myself in silence. All black seemed well enough. I shrugged on my shirt, closing up the buttons. The pants came next along with my belt. Once that was fastened I snapped on the holster I had purchased to the leather. I secured the suppressed weapon inside, fitting it against my body just how I needed it to. I pulled on my jacket next, tucking away the rest of what I needed to carry. I smoothed out the Versace fabric and ran a few fingers through my hair. As I began to fold the white tie around my neck, I avoided my own eyes in the mirror. I knew how exhausted I looked because I felt it. And once that nuisance was gone, this could finally end. I wasn't going to leave Ayato with his heart in his hand again. I was going to protect him, like I had sworn to do. I didn't care if that meant killing someone else. And I didn't care this was unhealthy, I didn't care how far gone I was. I was past that. All I wanted was him, and any person who wanted to get in my way of that would be removed. We both waited too long for our happiness. I wasn't going to let him take it from me again. 

Set beneath the stars, I made the lone walk over to the coffee shop. I tried not to let my thoughts stir or become preoccupied. Though I did feel guilty that their rehearsal dinner set the stage for me to take my revenge. No...to defend myself. And the person I cared about above the rest. 

I opened the door to the shop, hit by candlelight and the aroma of prepared food. There was ambiance in the dim air, along with soft music playing in the background. Someone immediately called my name and I deduced it was Hide, who had ran up to me at the door even though he had other guests to tend to. 

"Sorry I'm a bit late," I told him as I saw Hinami seated at the bar with Yamori. I gave her a wave. 

"It's fine," he assured me, taking me by the wrist. I knew what that meant. Where was he going to drag me to? 

And without word he pulled me in the direction of the bathrooms. I was unable to even greet anyone. 

Once inside he leaned against the door with a sigh. 

"That's a nice suit," I took note of the detailing. It was a shade of navy, likely to match the darker shades of Touka's dress. He had shaven but let his hair loose, gold locks tucked behind his ears in a less than neat manner. "Hilfiger?"

"Ford, actually," he turned away from the door now. "Sorry to grab you like that."

"I'm pretty used to it. Is everything alright?"

"No," he shook his head. "I can see you don't have Ayato-kun with you which worries me even more. Where is he?"

"Did you pull me in here to talk about Ayato? It seems like there's more..." I glanced to his eyes, pensive and ever rich in their color. 

"I thought it'd be easy at first," Hide shrugged, walking past me to look in the wall mirror above the sinks. "Get a job, settle down with a pretty girl, maybe get a dog. It's what I want but I can still feel my heart in my throat."

I turned on my heel, meeting his eyes in the mirror. With a frown etched on his lips, I sighed and gave his shoulder a squeeze. 

"Everyone gets nervous, you know that."  

"I know...it must be because she's just so _perfect_ , you know?" Hide chuckled and looked to the ceiling, as if questioning God himself why he had been so blessed. "Everything about her. I can just be around her, be myself around her. She's so...fierce. You wouldn't be able to tell just from looking at her. I had to learn her first, and I'm glad I did. All I ever wanted was someone who could make me laugh. But she's the entire picture. Smart and funny and beautiful. And in bed, well...she's perfectly insane."

I smiled as Hide spoke so highly of her. He knew exactly what she was, and that other people could see it as well. Other men. Touka had a wide array of choices, but it had always come down to Hide for her. 

"If she's anything like her brother, I would assume so," I unconsciously ran my thumb over my scarred lip. 

"She knows how good she is, too. I fear one day she'll realize it wasn't enough for her."

As he continued, I noted all of his thoughts on Touka paralleled mine on Ayato. He was unfairly beautiful. He was unnaturally strong. He made me feel like I didn't have to pretend or even try, all I had to do was be near him. And that was enough. I've never laughed harder with anyone, sharing both tears of joy and tears of sorrow. When we made love it was an experience, each time better than the last. 

I also thought in the beginning that he would grow tired of me. He'd see me for the stiff bookworm I was, and only give me the time of day when he wanted to have sex. I had thought ahead and accepted every possible outcome. If he only wanted me as a fuck toy, fine. If he only wanted to call me once a year, fine. If he was only interested in being friends, fine. If he wanted nothing to do with me, fine. As long as he was content and safe, I could soldier on. 

"She loves you, Hide. She wants to have your baby. She wants to, doesn't have to. You think she doesn't feel the same way about you? You're the nicest person we've ever met. She admires you like no one else, either."

Hide nodded, leaning forward with both his hands on the counter. His lips twisted up into a purse, as if what I was saying was just not registering. 

"And then there's her brother," he shook his head. "You believed me when I said I wasn't scared of him, right? Seemed legitimate, must have been my adrenaline. I was honestly expecting a punch in the face for the pregnancy. I can see how deeply he loathes me, and I know when he finally snaps I won't be able to defend myself." 

Hide was right. If it came down to it, Ayato could probably break him over his knee. But that didn't matter. 

"You have nothing to worry about in that department. Ayato and I are together again, and I'll never let him hurt you. He knows how much it would hurt me and his sister."

"I want him to like me, Kaneki, I do."

"I know," I nodded. "It'll take time. Trust me, once he sees that baby he'll be a marshmallow. I know it."

Hide laughed. "I think you're right."

"I think one day he can learn to love you, too."

"All I wanted was his approval. I should apologize to him for what I did. I knew it would upset him like that...he's got it so bad for you. I'm sure he wanted to kill me."

"It was just a kiss," I murmured, looking away from him with the memory. If I thought about it enough my lips would go numb. It wasn't just a kiss for me and we both knew that. 

"If it meant saving your life I'd do it a thousand times over."

"H-He'll get over it," I glanced back at him through the glass. "I'm sure."

"Ayato's never really been one to get over things, though, has he?" A foreign voice came from one of the few stalls. After a flush the middle one swung open, Naki standing behind it. 

He had cut his hair, it would seem. Now he took to combing it back like his brother. Him and his brother were wearing the same suit, I'm sure, that shade of off-white with a black button-down underneath. Much as I hated white suits and the fashion-blind people who wore them, it suited both of them quite nicely. With a dramatic exclaim he rubbed at the black makeup smudged beneath his eyes. 

"Woe is always him."

"Nice to see you too, Naki."

"It hasn't always been a pleasure, coconut cake," he frowned as he stood before me. "You look good. Is this...Versace?"

"Thank you. And yes, it is."

"Fancy indeed," he rose his eyebrows, feeling the fabric on my sleeve. 

"Perhaps this time we can get along, Naki. For Ayato's sake. I'd hate to have to throw you out again," I smirked, not hating that thought at all.

"Ha ha. I'm Ayato's friend, not yours, Ken doll. And you hurt him. You hurt him when you kissed that waiter and when you left him. I suppose he didn't like you kissing this hunk either," he regarded Hide without even looking at him. "But if he's happy, I'm happy. And he's when he's with you, he's happy for the most part. I can't deny that. I'm actually happy for the two of you."

Naki offered me his hand, pale with black-polished nails. Surprised, I took his hand and he shook it with fervor. 

"So don't ruin it this time, please. I can't stand another call from him whining about how much he misses you and your penis."

I laughed once. "Deal. I intend to not ruin anything." 

"Fabulous," he grinned, releasing my hand. "Lovely, actually! Happy endings are my favorite."

Just then the bathroom door hit the wall. Touka rushed in, clear distress on her face. 

"This is the men's room, you know," Naki commented, his hands in his pockets. 

"I own this men's room," she responded, a snap in her voice. "I own _you_ when you're in here, Naki. Get out." 

Naki stuck his tongue out at her, mumbling to himself as he walked out. 

Although her eyes were wide with worry, she still looked stunning. The dress fit her perfectly, glittering against the light and trailing behind her on the floor. It was a very regal dress, the sparkles and reflection very subtle and the furthest thing from tacky. She had her hair pinned up, a braid running around it. Aside from that her face was fully flushed as it had been recently. 

"You look lovely, Touka-chan," I smiled at her. 

"Thank you, Kaneki," she returned the gesture, softly patting my chest. Then Touka turned to her fiancé. "Sorry...I started panicking out there. I just feel really woozy and you weren't there and..."

Her aspect turned, a crease forming in her brow. Hide quickly took her in his arms, holding her as he rubbed the exposed skin of her back. Poor Touka. She was so stressed from the events and planning, anyone would be. To be pregnant on top of that would just be the catalyst. 

"It's alright, Touka-chan. We'll stay until you feel better," Hide kissed her forehead. 

"Thanks," she exhaled heavily before glancing up at me through false lashes. "Ayato is here, right?"

"He isn't," I told her as plainly as I could. "He, um..."

"That fuck," she spat, now turning away from the mirror and looking into my real eyes. "Why isn't he here?"

I wasn't going to lie to her. She would know. 

"He...He got hurt," I confirmed as vaguely as possible. "But he will be there tomorrow. You can count on that."

Touka scoffed, an astonished smile setting on her lips. "It was the fighting, wasn't it? I told him he wasn't Tyler fucking Durden, the fucking idiot."

"I'm sure he's done with that now," I nodded, unable to even look at her. The disappointment in her eyes was too clear...too familiar to myself. 

"I guess we'll see. Ayato always needs his little thrill." 

With that, she walked out in silence. Hide and I followed shortly after. 

It appeared everyone had shown up. Eto and Hinami were laughing to themselves behind the bar, looking to be mixing up some sort of Kahlua drink. Naki and Yamori were seated at the bar, Yamori guzzling some sort of beer and Naki staring helplessly at Hinami. Rize and Tsukiyama were with Suzuya in the corner sipping chilled vodka. It looked like Suzuya was about to remove his shirt to show off some new stitching. Nishiki was just staring out one of the windows, hands deep in the pockets of his tux. Arata was probably finishing up dinner in the back. Arima was in another corner, taking a phone call. I watched him for a long minute before approaching the windows. 

"Kaneki Ken," he heard my footsteps before I reached him, turning to greet me with a smile. He looked well. His hair had been cut a little closer to his face, a new pair of thick-framed glasses resting on his nose. He didn't hesitate to welcome me with open arms. This surprised me as I walked into his embrace regardless, giving him a hug and a pat on the back. 

"It's good to see you, Nishiki."

"Mutual," he chuckled, releasing me. "I heard you work for Tsukiyama now in New York. That must be a dream."

"It is. It's great," I nodded as I joined him by the window. "And how have you been?"

"Good, good. Kimi came down with something so she couldn't come. I would've liked her to meet everyone."

"Kimi?"

"Girlfriend," he smiled.

"Oh!" I exclaimed. "That's great."

"Yeah, she's helped me through a lot of shit. What about you? Still seeing Kirishima?"

"I wasn't for some time," I admitted. 

"But you are now," he concluded, chuckling. "Of course. You were always good for the kid. He needs someone to keep a lid on him."

"Tell me about it."

"How's he doing? I haven't seen him since...that day."

"He still struggles with some things. We all do. But he's healthy now."

What good was sobriety to a stab wound?

"I'm glad to hear it," Nishiki nodded before glancing to me. "I am sorry for that, Kaneki. I...Let's just say he was good at manipulating me."

"Something tells me you weren't forced to do a thing to him."

"I was also pretty fucked up on painkillers at the time. Not that it matters, but that's all it was with us. Drugs," he shrugged. I wondered if he knew that I made this connection myself years ago. "But I did want the best for him. I gave him advice he probably wishes he listened to. Looks like he didn't do too much damage to you, though, and that's good."

That I wasn't so sure about. I glanced over my shoulder to see if Arima was still in his previous position. He was. 

"Right..."

"No hard feelings?" 

"Of course not," I shook my head. "I'm glad you're doing well."

And just then the door opened, the bell ringing softly. Rio stepped inside, sparse flurries swirling in behind him. He was wrapped tight, a black scarf hung around his neck and an oversized leather coat clung to his body. Although it wasn't snowing too heavy today, he still looked freezing. After giving a few shivering waves he found me and approached. 

"We meet again."

I checked to see Nishiki had already left my side, sauntering over to the bar. I directed my attention back to Rio. I offered him a hug, opening up my arms. His eyes widened with surprise, taking no time to return the gesture. He squeezed my neck tightly. 

"I'm so underdressed," he murmured, clearly embarrassed by the fact. "Ayato-kun didn't tell me it was black tie."

"You look fine, really," I pulled back and wiped off the few remaining snowflakes on his shoulder. "Touka-chan will just be happy that you're here, I'm sure."

"Will she?" He frowned. "I haven't seen her in a while. It's been so long sometimes I wonder if-"

Rio went silent, as if someone just cut his voice box. I followed his eyes to see their focus on Touka, who had just emerged from the kitchen. She was dazzling under the candlelight, a laugh on her lips from one of Hide's japes, no doubt. He was next to her, her arm linked around his but Rio didn't even seem to notice Hide. The flush set in his cheeks. 

"Oh, fuck," he did a half-spin in his steps, unsure what to do as the couple approached us. 

"Rio!" 

Touka immediately rushed over to him, releasing Hide's arm. She giggled as she swept him up into a tight hug. Rio laughed as well, almost hesitantly touching her back. She retreated and pressed a gentle kiss to his cheek. His eyes widened and I could nearly see his veins pumping madly. 

"You're the best, Rio, you know that?"

"I-I don't assume to know anything, really," he shrugged, chuckling along the way. "Clearly I didn't know the dress code."

"Please, you always look handsome. Come on, I wanna show you the kitchen," she took his hand and tugged him along. Rio had transcended to something higher just by having Touka touch his hand. 

Hide sighed, clicking his tongue as they walked away. "Not sure what I'm going to do about that one."

"She seems to like him a great deal."

"Rio would visit with Ayato-kun. And when he would get into trouble, Rio would help him every time. He'd always listen to Touka-chan when she needed as well. He's a good friend, good kid."

"Let him dream," I threw my hands up. "Not all of us are so lucky."

"Some of us are," he grinned, tossing his arm around my shoulder. 

Hide and I had ourselves a beer, sitting at one of the set tables. As we waited for dinner we drank and talked quietly about upcoming fatherhood. It wasn't long before Touka was texting him about something, summoning him to the back. I sipped on my beer by myself. Rio eventually returned, having a seat beside me. Obviously forlorn, he sighed as he rested his cheek against his hand. 

"It'll be alright," I encouraged him. "Plenty of fish and all that."

"Well that's easy for you to say," he mumbled, now stroking the petals of the miniature centerpiece. "You have Ayato-kun."

Did I? No matter what I seemed to do, nothing would be enough for him. Why else would he be going to these fights? Whatever I was, I was missing something for him. It's impossible to please someone one hundred percent of the time with every single aspect of the relationship. That was speaking in generals, not specifics. So this was something I had accepted as well, a long time ago as a child. My mother would smack me on the head so hard my ear would start to bleed, but I still told myself it was just because she loved me. Ayato would go underground to get the shit kicked out of him, to get his adrenaline pumping and his heart racing. He only went because the other alternatives were not so great. I didn't want him to cut himself. I didn't want him to shoot up. I didn't want him to find some random guy willing to fuck him as violently as he needs it. So for a brief moment I thought maybe fighting was a good thing for him. Being stabbed, less so. Who knows whose else's lives he's affected just by agreeing to fight a single person? Who knows who else he's left brain dead, or just plain dead for that matter?

Though I wasn't one to talk, was I? I had a gun at my waist and an eye on Arima. The last time I didn't even have a moment to think. I only heard disgusting, discouraging words and the sound of Ayato's sobbing. Now I had time, time to make a different decision. But there was no other decision. This was my plight. 

"He's as broken as they come," I replied with a bitter taste at my throat, watching as his fingers poked at the peonies. "I can't control him. He won't let me take care of him. I'll do what I can for as long as I can, but he's going to run himself into the ground."

I couldn't bare to see Rio's reaction at my indifferent response. He only exhaled, retracting his hand.

"What are you talking about, Kaneki-san?" He asked carefully, his voice barely a rasp.

"Do you see that man over there?" I lifted my head, glancing to Arima. He was on the other side of the shop, sitting with Eto and Yamori. Eto appeared to be telling a story, Arima looking positively bored as he swished the water around in his cup. As the ice cubes clinked against the glass he looked up. Right into my eyes as if he knew I had been staring this entire time. 

"No, I don't..." Immediately Rio averted his cold gaze. Arima went back to his conversation and Rio had the gall to take another gander. He watched him, and as he did his face began to contort with the horrific truth. "No...that's not-"

"It is."

"What's he doing here?" Now he was out of breath.

"What do you know of him?"

"Only what Ayato-kun told me," he looked back to me. "That someone took him against his will. Shot him up with something. He said he tried to manipulate him into killing someone."

"And?"

"That he couldn't do it and he left him alone. That he was fixated on him for reasons he didn't know. That he was scared of him. He thought he would try to kill you, kill what's left of his family. That he looked like you."

"I don't see it," I muttered, having a sip from my bottle. It was relieving to know Ayato didn't tell Rio I killed a man for him. 

"Who cares?!" He leaned in whispering but it reached my ears like a shout. "He can't be here when Ayato-kun gets here! If he is-"

"Ayato's not coming tonight. Look, the details don't even matter. What matters is getting rid of Arima."

"I still don't even understand how he's here right now..." 

"He invested in the café," I told him. "Just to have his foot in the door."

"You know how firsthand how dangerous he is. How exactly do you plan to get rid of him?"

"That doesn't matter, either," I took the last gulp of my beer. 

"You have to be careful, Kaneki-san..." 

His eyes were fixated on the man again. As I looked up I realized this was because he was walking over to our table. Rio visibly stiffened. I straightened out my back, watching as he took his smooth steps. I used to think I didn't have hate in my heart. But when I watched him move, breathe, blink...my heart seized and tightened as if he was crushing it in his fist himself. He stood before our table with his hands clasped in front of him. His suit was black as well as the tie at his throat. I recognized the stitching from where I sat. Armani. I scoffed under my breath.

"Good evening, Kaneki. It's nice to see you again."

I tried to think of something clever and arch Ayato would say in response.

"Likewise. Wish I could say the same."

"And you must be Rio," Arima's eyes darted to him.

"I am," he nodded, not even able to look back at the man. "Good evening."

"The bride speaks of you two quite fondly. As if you were blood."

"That's because Touka-chan _is_ my sister," I countered. "Her brother is my partner."

"A-And he's my brother as well," Rio spoke up to him. "I had to take care of him when we were at the pavilion. Who do you think found him with slashes in his wrists, bleeding all over the bathroom floor?"

Ayato told me how deep those cuts had been. If Rio had been just five minutes late, well, let's just say we wouldn't be having this conversation. 

"I always found his method of coping...odd," his nose scrunched up for a minute, as if in disgust. "Though I am sorry you had to be the one who found him."

"I'm not," Rio shook his head. "It taught me many things, as Ayato-kun always had. But you...you-"

"It's alright, Rio-kun," I patted his wrist that laid on the table, the hand at its end now a fist. "We don't want to cause a commotion here."

"No, we don't," Arima added.

"Don't think I've forgotten about you," I directed my stare back to him, rising from the table. "Because you _will_ pay for every single thing you have done to him." 

"What of the things I haven't done to him? Will I be paying for those as well?"

I think I might've smiled. "Yes."

Arima walked away, drifting towards the bar. I pardoned myself from Rio and headed into the bathroom. Inside I immediately smothered my face with cold water. Just being around him made me uneasy, tense and hot. I couldn't bear it. 

So I cooled myself down, fanning my skin with my hands and breathing slowly to decrease my rapid heart rate. Once I began to find the equilibrium within myself again, the door to the bathroom opened. 

"Oh..." Urie glanced to the ground, his hand still on the door. From his expression I could sense he was probably coming in here to escape seeing me. 

"Come in," I gestured. 

He did, letting the door swing shut behind him. Urie was wearing a dark, modest suit with a red shirt beneath, a few buttons open that revealed just enough of the muscles in his chest. He ran a hand through his slick hair, approaching the mirror. 

"You look good."

"You always look good, Kaneki-san," he finally smiled, looking to me through the glass. "Now in designer fabric."

"Urie..." I brought my hands together, speaking carefully. "I'm sorry for what happened between us. But I don't feel I never should have kissed you. I'm glad I did. You're a sweet person, when you want to be..." 

"Of course you don't regret it. I mean, look at me," he jested and spun around, leaning back on the counter with his hands. "But I'm no Kirishima. That's fine. Because after fucking him myself I suppose I finally understood exactly what you meant. If someone was riding my dick like that I'd never leave them."

My jaw clenched. I wanted to let the anger wash over me, to cleanse me, even. I couldn't hold onto the things he did and didn't do in the past. That didn't even make sense. I had much more to worry about. 

"He told me you two had sex that night. I didn't even know this until recently, I just met him again," I chuckled at the sound of that. "I wish you wouldn't talk about him like that."

"I tried telling him you can't give him what he wants," he gave a slow roll of his eyes. "The shit we were doing, well, that's the kind of stuff that wouldn't even cross your mind."

"You'd be surprised," I muttered. 

"Oh? You like that kind of thing?" He lifted a brow. "You like tying his hands and feet? How about the blindfold? You like smacking him in the face when he begs you to hit him? Calling him a slut and a whore? Shoving a gag in his mouth because he moans so fucking loud, like a girl? You're right. I'd be very surprised if you like that kind of thing." 

From what he was telling me it would seem they were continuing to see each other after Ayato came back to Japan. I couldn't say I blamed him. Urie was undeniably sexy, and probably the exact kind of freak he needed. Clearly he was. I was jealous. All this time Ayato had been going to him for sex, sex he thought I couldn't give to him. But I wasn't prudish, I was open to any number of things! Especially where Ayato was concerned. But it looked like Urie fit that bill, then. Someone who wasn't opposed to hitting him or choking him or calling him a whore. I had been in New York anyway, railing out guys in the dark whose names I didn't even want to know. 

"What ever happened to him being a skank?"

"Nothing. Trust me, Ken, you don't want to know that boy's number," he shook his head with a smirk. "But after he ruined my relationship, I thought maybe I could ruin yours. Guess I was wrong."

"I'm sorry about Mutsuki-"

"Don't. Just don't," his shell formed to surround him, darkness shrouding his eyes. "Don't even speak his name to me." 

I exhaled sharply. Obviously he was still very upset over him. "Okay. I'm sorry. For everything, okay? Fucking all of it."

"I'm over it, anyway," he sighed and walked forward. "I had my fun with Ayato."

I couldn't be angry and neither could he. At least not here at the day before Touka's wedding. I offered my hand in truce. Urie scoffed, pushing it away and hugging me instead. He smelt like faint pot smoke and acrylic paint. 

"I really liked you," he whispered, barely audible. 

"I know," I eased my hand up and down his back in attempt at comfort. 

"I don't have the energy to be angry," he pulled back. "So let's just go eat and forget this happened."

"I'm okay with that."

Urie smiled and squeezed one of my shoulders. 

He chose to join my table with Rio. We drank some beer as we waited for the food, talking about Kamii and the police academy and New York. Having never meet Urie, Rio stayed quiet for most of the conversation. But he appeared to be listening, occasionally glancing up and around the room for Arima. And Arima was having just a merry time with the couple and Eto and Hinami. If Touka ever found out who Arima was, she might just kill him herself. It made me uncomfortable to see her talking and laughing with him. Even just walking in yesterday and seeing that they were alone together worried me. What was to stop him from taking her? What was to stop him from killing her, because he decides that's what Ayato needs? As I laid out these thoughts I felt his eyes on me from across the room. And I sensed his gaze glide down my body. What was to stop him from doing the same to me? 

"Dinner is ready!" Touka announced once her father set the heated platters. 

Dinner was a buffet lined up across the bar. I was beyond impressed Arata was doing this himself. Well, not technically. I did help him with the cupcakes and I promised to help him frost and decorate the wedding cake. But he did all the catering himself, with Hide's parents insisting they pay. Arata wouldn't take their money. 

The first thing I noticed was a sashimi platter, pieces of fish hand-cut perfectly and laid around each other in spirals to look like a colorful flower. Beside the platter was a large steamer filled with fluffy buns, stuffed with pork and vegetables. Next to the steamer there were sushi cakes of different varieties lined up together. The three heated containers with the controlled flames were unveiled. The first was a vat of rice, perfectly cooked and steaming. The next one was filled with egg noodles, cooked then fried in a bit of soy. The final container held Arata's version of a Thai green curry. He wouldn't even let me watch him make it, the recipe forever a secret. It was Touka's favorite dish. Its color was astounding, a matcha shade of green flecked with pieces of Thai basil and chili. Along with the array of vegetables inside, there was chicken as well. Its scent was mouthwatering. It was sad to think Ayato was missing out on all this good food. 

I gathered a little bit of everything on my plate and sat down with Rio and Tsukiyama. Rize and Urie joined shortly after, all of us fawning over the delicious curry. I sipped on a beer and took this time to try to enjoy the food and the rest of the evening before the inevitable part came to a head. For a moment I was able to forget about the monster in the room and just laugh and eat with my friends. 

After everyone ate the cupcakes were presented. Rio grabbed me a couple. They were sweet and tangy, topped with toasted coconut and lime zest. I'd never tasted any sweet so delicious. As the guests dug into their desserts, there was a small clink of glass. 

"Excuse me," Arima set down his glass of water and the fork he used to tap against it. He cleared his throat and smiled. 

"Thank you. I feel like I never know what to say at these things, but I couldn't ignore a request from the bride."

The shop collectively laughed, minus Rio and I who sat in our chairs like mannequins. 

"Now I haven't had the luxury to know Touka and Hide the way you all have. I came to this shop looking to invest, nothing more," I felt myself snarl, wanting to jump from my chair and scream _liar_. "I found much more than I expected. A small business with great potential and two beautiful owners with minds for how these things work. A couple about to solidify their relationship. A young, talented and intelligent woman ready to put her trade out there. There's so much to look forward to here, especially here in this room. It won't always be easy, owning a business. It won't always be easy being married, either. But I think I can speak for everyone in here when I say you two look happier than any couple I've ever met. I only see positivities in your futures, a prosperous life. Thank you for having me, Touka-san. To the bride and groom."

"To the bride and groom," everyone lifted a glass for the toast and sipped their respective drinks. 

Arima drank his water and excused himself to the restroom. The rest of the guests carried on, laughing and chatting and drinking. The night was nearly through, and everyone was distracted. Now was my chance to get him away from the shop. I finished what remained in my bottle and headed for the bathroom.

He was washing his hands at the sink, paying no attention to me as the door swung shut. 

"Kaneki," he greeted without looking up from the porcelain. "Is there something I can help you with?"

"Yes," I answered promptly. "I'd like to speak with you. Alone."

"We are speaking alone now," he turned the faucet and reached for paper towel to dry off his hands. 

"This wasn't the locale I had in mind."

"Of course it wasn't," he tossed the paper into the garbage. "You don't want any commotion here."

"That's right." 

"Yet here we are, at your friend- I'm sorry, your _sister's_ rehearsal dinner and the only thing you can concentrate on is when you'll be able to get to me." 

I felt my jaw tense. He took note of my discomfort, smiling and taking a single step forward. 

"Of course I'm flattered to be thought of at all."

"I'm not thinking of you," I responded through clenched teeth. "I'm thinking of Ayato-kun and what's best for him. Best for us." 

"Is that truly what you believe?" He asked, his expression now gone sour as if disappointed by my actions. I flinched as he continued to walk towards me with each word. I found myself retreating, only to run into the adjacent wall. He seemed satisfied by my position. Like a hunter cornering their prey. I swallowed and returned his stare, adamant I wouldn't show him a drop of fear. "Do you believe you were doing what's best when you shot and killed a man at point-blank range?" 

"Yes."

"Does it bother you?" He inched forward. "Do you see his face staring back at you in the mirror? Do you still hear his last words? Do you drive yourself to the point of sickness just thinking about it?"

"...no."

"Oh," his brows rose and fell with my answer, looking less than amused. "That's almost relieving to hear. I wouldn't want you losing any sleep over a man like Uta. You were doing him a kindness."

" _That_ I know."

He smiled at me again. It was eerier now that he was towering over me, entering my intimate space. As I looked into his eyes, I could see the intrigue in them. He was smiling inside, as well. His right eye appeared lighter in shade, as if clouded. I thought this was maybe a glare on his glasses but it didn't seem to be going away. It was chilling. It was reminiscent of a Tell-Tale Heart, the eye of a vulture. Vieled and otherworldly. He blinked once. 

"Do I frighten you, Ken?"

The definition of a monster. The epitome of evil. He was so close I could smell his freshly-pressed suit, feel the coolness of his breath. I shook my head no, both of us knowing full well it was a sad lie. 

Arima chuckled, leaning in close to whisper. "You're going to have to do better than that."

In a short moment of rage I lifted my arms to shove him by his chest. He easily caught my hands, forcing them tight against the wall. His body pressed against mine, a short and throaty gasp escaping him as I struggled. Once I felt his hand on my leg I went still. I squeezed my eyes shut as he moved to caress my inner thigh. He pushed my leg open to explore further, his long fingers finding me. It was brief. He slid his palm against my cock, twitching at attention's presence. One inaudible moan was pulled from my mouth, and I knew he felt like the most powerful man alive. 

He chuckled once at my pathetic sound. 

"You seem sensitive," Arima peered to his handling of me. "Not like him. You'd be much easier to break."

"Is that what you wanted to do?" My brow creased. 

"I had plans," he nodded. "If I could find the three who buried me I wanted them to suffer. As I have."

I chuckled under my breath. What could he possibly know of suffering? Whatever pain he may have experienced was irrelevant to me. In fact, I was looking to make him suffer. Again. 

"I knew Uta would have a cute young thing on his arm. He was always good at that. And the original plans for Ayato, well..." Arima looked off for a moment. "You wouldn't want to know."

"Oh, I do."

As if I needed any more incentive. But I wanted the full picture of this criminal. Exactly how vicious was he?

"Ken," he smiled, surprised, tending to the muscle in his hand. My head hit the wall as I watched him toy with me. I bit down hard on my lip, feeling it shake beneath my teeth. "I do believe you're enjoying being so close to me."

I returned his gaze, looking up into the lighter eye which didn't appear to have complete focus. I dropped my vision back down to the nonexistent space between us and pressed my hips forward. He wasn't at all taken away by this. In fact, it looked like he was expecting it. 

"Mm," he leaned in even closer as I began to swell a bit. "I was going to make a work of art out of him. I would've taken everything he'd known and replace it with fear. He'd have been unrecognizable by the time I was finished with him. When I decided I was satisfied."

"Then what happened?"

"I make rational decisions," he squeezed again. "He was more use to me alive. He still is. And once I saw him...I knew I couldn't treat him like the rest because he wasn't like the rest. He was...still. With the prospect of death and everything else. He actually looked me in the eyes, and for a moment I felt fear myself."

I sealed my lips shut, not entirely sure how to respond. I didn't know if I even wanted to, less conversation with a dead man is preferred. 

Yet the thought came to me.

"That's because the face of death is familiar to him. It was likely the most terrified he'd ever been in his life. If his composure meant his life, he'd stay calm. If killing Uta meant his freedom, he'd pull the trigger. Don't think I don't know he wouldn't do absolutely anything to survive."

"And what of you, Kaneki Ken? What will you do to survive?"

Nothing. I wouldn't bow or scrape to this man. I wouldn't fuck him for my freedom either, like I'm sure Ayato had so desperately begged of him. 

I could only play my cards right and cautiously. That was my only option and I could not fail. If I did that would mean my life, which had mattered less and less to me through the years. I had already drawn up my will if anything happened to me where Arima was concerned. I left Touka and Hide my apartment in case they ever wanted to vacation to New York again. My shares with the magazine, my valuable belongings and the money in my bank account would go to Ayato. He'd never have to work a day in his life. I wanted him comfortable and happy and safe. 

But I wanted it for myself as well, it wasn't limited to him. No, I wanted to be happy _with_ him. So I couldn't fail. And if he kills me, who knows what he'll do with Ayato? I'd come back from the dead before I let Arima touch him again. 

"I'm not Ayato."

"That much is clear. Even though you are aroused." 

"I-I'm not anything," blood rose to my cheeks as he continued to fondle me. 

"Sure."

He brought his face closer. I immediately cocked my head, forcing it against the tile wall. Arima laughed at this, tightening his grip on my erection and now beginning to stroke. I didn't want to make a sound, I couldn't. I held it all in, teeth pressed firm against my trembling lip. With his free hand he pinned my shoulder to the wall, using force that was not necessary. I winced, and I'm sure that's what he was looking for. My fear. 

The man ran his nose against the plane of my throat, inhaling me. His hand remained attentive even as he placed his lips to my neck. I shuddered, the coolness of his breath ran a chill through my bones. Slowly, he kissed my neck. It was surely a shame that he was talented with his mouth. My body wasn't able to ignore physical affection. I moaned again. 

Arima quickened a bit, beginning to bite and pull at my throat. I sighed and rested my hands against his shoulders, taut with working muscle I could feel beneath the suit. He groaned into my flesh before grabbing my backside with both hands, pulling me onto his knee. He ground his knee between my legs thoroughly, initiating a pleasant shock throughout my body. All I could think about was when this could be over...and why he was so good at it. All I knew was Ayato was on the other side of this. If I could distract him enough-

"You disappoint me, Ken," he whispered in my ear, still holding my ass with one hand and pulling the firearm from my belt with the other.  

It was too late to reach for it now, it was already in his hand. He pressed the muzzled barrel to my gut and put his finger on the trigger. 

"I helped design that holster on your waist. I knew you were strapped the minute you walked in here," he pressed the gun further, metal prodding at my stomach.

"And?" I asked, looking away from his face as I felt my flush settle. 

"And nothing. I thought we were having a nice conversation. Alone," he held up the gun as if it was interrupting us. 

"We are."

"I should hope so. I was enjoying it," my eyes widened as he handed the gun back to me. I quickly fastened it at my side.

He had already retreated a bit, adjusting his tie and hair that was a bit disheveled from our brief encounter. 

"I'll meet you outside once you're done blushing."

 

* * *

 

It wasn't difficult to get away from the rest of the party. We told them we were taking the air, having a cigarette, discussing business ventures, etc. Rio gave me a confirmation nod as he saw me walk outside to join Arima. As I placed a cigarette between my teeth the door opened for me, cold air rushing in. I joined him outside and lit my cigarette. We began walking down the dark and empty street with no prologue. Our feet just started moving.

"...I hate Decembers," I received a shiver from the cold and the man walking next to me. 

"My birthday is the 20th," Arima told me. "I never cared for the cold, either." 

"The 20th?" I repeated, stopping in my tracks. A mere coincidence maybe, but I didn't believe in that. 

"Yes," he ceased to walk as well, his hands deep in his pockets. 

Concealed by darkness, I looked away from him. I had a puff before I could look back to his featureless face. While we could both rave over being Sagitarriuses and hating four inches of snow, I had more important plans. 

"I pegged you for a Capricorn," I responded with a shrug and continued on. I didn't need or want him to know we shared anything, much less a birthdate.

"Hm."

We were further down the street now, silence shielding us. It was nice to have a quiet moment and enjoy the cigarette. They were better in the cold, anyway. And I was fine to not hear his voice, to not interact with him. In fact, I found it to be a blessing he was silent for so long. Once I got him talking I thought he would never stop. But once we found ourselves far enough away there was a lone bench on a side street beneath a weak lamppost. I suggested we sit, and he took up the offer to rest. We both took a seat, with him practically in the middle and me squished between his person the bench's arm. 

"Scoot over," I demanded, pushing his leg with mine. He hid a smile before backing off considerably. I rolled my eyes at his childishness and took the last hit of my cigarette, its embers burning my fingers through the filter. I flicked it onto the street, the cherry bursting into a bright stream of orange. I exhaled. 

"May I ask you something, Kaneki?"

I remained silent, knowing he'd press on anyway. 

"I'd like to know how you met Ayato-kun."

Looking back three years, I never thought I'd be in my position. I always wanted to leave the country, but I'd never guess my office would be in New York. I wanted to find a job that kept me financially stable, I'd never guess my name would be credited as the editor of a fashion magazine. I always wanted Ayato. I would have never guessed the dark-haired boy in Touka's apartment would have such a profound effect on my life. 

"I met him at Touka's one night," I explained. "She never told me about him until he was standing there in front of me. I was so fucking nervous...I'd never felt lucky just to be in someone's presence before."

"Nervous?" He asked with a tilt of his head. 

"How could I not be? He was only the coldest, most beautiful thing I had ever seen. It seems Touka kept Ayato away from most of her male friends...a smart move. Still, I felt lied to. I saw him and I wanted to know everything. Why he looked so withdrawn, how I could help him, what his hair smelt like. My first thought wasn't even sex or his amazing body, I knew if Touka caught me looking at him the wrong way she'd have my head. Honestly, I only wanted to help the kid. I could see the pain in his eyes, feel the weight he carried on his shoulders. I guess to me it was always obvious. But Ayato and I are usually in tune with one another."

"Funny you say that," Arima adjusted against the bench, crossing his legs. "I thought something similar when I met him as well. I thought I had never seen someone so broken as they were beautiful."

"Poetic," I mumbled with a roll of my eyes. 

"He was going to be mine. I was certain of it..." 

"It sounds like you're still confused," I turned my body completely, bending up one of my legs and facing him. "Ayato-kun is my partner. I loved him long before I put a bullet in the person you so desperately wanted him to kill. I'm the one who finished your fucking job, and I'm the one who fucking suffers from it! You don't see me asking for money. I would never ask anything of you, Arima. Only what you had already promised. You said you would leave us alone, remember? Why haven't you kept your word?"

"I never promised you a thing," he clarified, adjusting his glasses before returning his gaze. The milky eye gawked at me, the dark one studied me. "I had set everything up in a specific order that you ruined."

"What the fuck could I have possibly ruined?"

"It was only ever for Ayato. He was supposed to be the last thing Uta saw, knowing he was betrayed just before his life ends."

"Well, that's only the most cliché thing I've ever heard," I crossed my arms. "I spiced it up for you. You're welcome."

"You hurt me more that day than both of us could've ever realized."

"What does that mean?" I shook my head. 

Arima sighed, looking back to the street. The dull light softened his sharp features, somber as he contemplated. He slowly removed the frames on his face, holding his head high before letting it fall. His eyes opened as he faced me again, the clouded eye much more prominent now. 

"Can't miss it, can you?"

"No," I answered. 

"I had a stroke about a year and a half ago. Runs in the family. Instead of half my body being paralyzed I was left with this," he pointed to his right eye. "It's already spread. I'll be blind within the year."

"I see," I mumbled, unable to feel any sympathy for the man. 

"My associates, those who work under me, those who work under them, they'll all be scrambling over my corpse for the business."

"Your elite drug trade or the weapon accessories?" I asked for clarification, only looking to tick him off with satire. 

"Both," he folded his hand in his lap. "I came from nothing and I had to work for every little thing I have today. Those vultures think I'm going to hand it over to them on a silver platter. They're funny."

"And where does my boyfriend fit into this?" 

Arima paused for a moment, his unfocused eyes redirecting back to naught, to cold winter air. He cleared his throat before speaking again. 

"When I saw him that night, I knew immediately that he was an addict. It was obvious. Addicts are weak, vulnerable and greedy. I knew if I could offer something he wanted, he would give me what I wanted right back."

"That's why you kidnapped him and shot him full of drugs?"

"Yes. That was always the plan. Of course at first I had him thinking he was nothing special, only a Guinea pig to test the new stuff on. Though I suppose that wasn't a full lie," he scratched his cheek in thought. "I learned a lot from testing on him."

"I'm glad you were able to perfect your opiate formula at the cost of both of our sanities." 

"Oh, Ayato was not sane. You know that, because you were sane at the time. You always were," he glanced to me. "You're much stronger than him."

"A person whose gone through a drug addiction is the strongest kind of person there is in the world. But you wouldn't know that," I scoffed. 

"You're right. Afterwards I was angry with myself for making the wrong choice, trusting such a situation to a heroin addict."

"Then why?" My brow creased. "Why are you here?"

"This is my home. You're the ones who aren't supposed to be here," he reminded me. "I never wanted to see either of you again. Because then I would have to dispose of you."

"Yet you gave Ayato-kun a thirty thousand dollar check."

"Do you want the honest truth, Kaneki?"

I nodded carefully, still watching his every motion. 

"I thought I could convince him to take over what I have left behind. Eto has too many things going on, she's too flippant. It'd be an awful shame for it to all go to waste. Since he's clean now he'd be good at it. Being the head of a business. Plus, I owe it to him."

"You owe it to _him?_ " 

My vision went black, and I could feel the rage rip through my chest. My heart pumped with violence, pushing against my rib cage with each crippling breath. This pure anger was only darkness, and in these moments I was terrified of who I was. What I've become. What I was capable of. I don't know what happened next, it was as if someone had snapped their fingers and shut off the connection between me and my brain. And it was scary because it was familiar. I remember feeling this way with Uta. His wellbeing was everything to me, and whatever it took to do to ensure that was trivial. But what about my wellbeing? My pain? My experiences? What about what I've done for him? 

Now I could feel the pavement, the blows landing. It was only a flash, a wave of darkness. I felt no pain. I felt no concern. I was no longer afraid of him. 

"WHAT ABOUT ME?!"

The scent of blood was thick, its taste like swallowing iron. Not to mention the chill, December weather poking to get under your skin. And as quickly as I blacked out I was sucked back in, my head quaking as my vision returned to me. I nearly gasped at the sight beneath me.

His face had become a mangled mess, squished and squeezed by rising bumps and coloring bruises. There was blood, but I couldn't even tell where it was coming from. His afflicted eye had been swollen shut and his normal one was cut at the lid. He looked absolutely hideous, different from the polished man he so clearly was. I shook my head and that's when I felt my face throb, scraped by the pavement and my mouth busted open in four different places. But he was not even recognizable. He was a mound of bleeding flesh. I felt myself smile. I didn't know when it happened or how it did. I didn't care. 

"You will regret this," he croaked, blood staining his cracked lips. 

"No, Arima," I unfastened the gun at my hip, cocked it, and placed the barrel against his skull. "You will regret ever fucking with the person I love."

"Ken-"

"NO!" I shouted. "Now it's your turn to listen. You really think Ayato would go anywhere with you? Do anything for you? Take over your business? To run it back into the ground, maybe. He _hates_ you. He hates what you did to him and he wishes he could be the one with a gun pointed at your head right now." 

"I know he doesn't hate me," he shook his head against the sidewalk, chuckling. "I was going to lift him out of his mundane life. He knows it. He knows I can offer-"

"Nothing," I spat through my teeth, holding his jaw open to shove the silencer into his mouth. "You offer nothing but death and broken body parts. He loves _me_ , not you. He's going to be with _me_ , not you."

...and that was the truth. The tension I felt in my chest expanded a bit. Ayato would always love me. I didn't need to do anything to ensure that, it already was. I knew this. I only wanted to be the best for him. I wanted to protect him. Killing Arima would not be protecting him. Killing Arima would set off a chain reaction, one that would have thousands of his goons chasing after us. I'm sure he planned for this, and told everyone exactly who to search for if he died tonight. Ihei and Eto were two of the most loyal, frightening women I had ever come across. I had no desire to learn what they'd do to me if I killed their boss. 

I had to hold on to the last modicum of sanity I had left.

And as I looked down at his leaking mess of a face, I couldn't help but feel pity. I understood why he wanted Ayato. He wanted to preserve his legacy, drugs and murder and all. That could happen for him, but not with Ayato. After this I was going to take him home and not let him out of my sight until I knew it was safe again. 

I pulled the gun from his mouth with a grunt.

"Open your mouth. All the way." 

He obliged. I placed the gun against his cheek, where the skin was thin and soft. At this trajectory the bullet would pass right through to the other side. I had to give him _something_ to remember me by. 

"Look in the mirror next time you come looking for Kirishima Ayato. Remember the mistake that nearly killed you."

I pulled the trigger. The bullet passed through his face in a suppressed shot, and blood began to spill. He screamed beneath clenched teeth, and I stood as he began to writhe on the pavement. I watched him for a moment, how his face and body twisted up with the agony of physical pain. It was nothing compared to what Ayato had experienced. I then holstered my weapon. As his muffled screams faded to whispers I reached for my pack of cigarettes, sparking one. I wiped the blood off my knuckles on my jacket and turned around, unsure of my next destination. 

As I exhaled a fresh line of smoke I dialed the police's emergency number. 

_"Tokyo Police Department, 20th Ward Alert Response, what is your emergency?"_

"I-I-I think there's a body on the intersection of 10th and Sunset," I added a touch of panic to my voice for effect. "They're not moving and I heard gunshots!" 

_"Alright, sir, try to calm down and give me your name and position. Someone is on the-"_

I ended the call and made my way down the street. 

 

* * *

 

"You're not getting it- the fact of the matter is he's a detective. Not only can he outsmart him at every turn, he has the money for the technology to negate almost all of his abilities."

"Superman is a god, an alien from another planet," Hinami rolled her eyes in defense. "He can laser beam Bruce Wayne's face right off of his skull."

"I'm going to have to agree with Hina on this one," Rize agreed with a twist of her lips. "Batman is only human, after all."

"That's the whole point! As a human with no powers but his physical abilities and his brain, he's still able to take down Superboy."

"He's just a grown man dressing up as a bat because he likes bats. It'd be cooler if he could turn into a bat," Rize added with a nod. Hina immediately agreed and as they laughed I felt my face fall into my palms. 

My phone buzzed in my pocket and I was thankful to be out of that conversation. I scooted back in my chair a bit before picking up the call. 

_"Officer Urie, dispatch for you."_

Of course. It couldn't have been any other night. I sighed and excused myself before walking off to the corner. 

"Go ahead," I rubbed the space between my eyes. 

_"There's a body on 10th and Sunset. I know you're out tonight with Nagachika, you're gonna have to bring him along too. We need the general analysis and blood spatter."_

That intersection wasn't even a mile away. 

"The guy is getting married tomorrow, send Mado on it."

_"Copy. She'll meet you there."_

She likely already was there. This was the last thing I needed tonight. Though it was probably good to get out of this clusterfuck. I couldn't stand to get into another comic book disagreement. And after my fifth beer that Rio was looking more and more appealing as the seconds ticked by. I should definitely leave. 

I made my way to the bride and groom's table to say my goodbyes. 

"Heading out so soon, Urie?" Touka asked, her head resting on Hide's shoulder. 

"Unfortunately. Work. There's a body at the intersection down the street. They wanted to call you in but I had them send out Mado."

Hide sighed heavily, clearly grateful for my selfless act. "Thank you, Urie. I appreciate that. I got you on the next one."

"Aye, I'm sure you do," I gave him a lazy salute and said farewell to the rest of the guests before leaving the café. 

So I walked to the scene, the sirens and crime scene tape clear from a distance. Once I was at the scene and showed my badge, Mado was already scoping out the blood pattern. She didn't notice me walk up. 

"What have we here?"

"Only the very unusual," she responded, still shining her flashlight on the large pool of blood. 

"Well, what's unusual?" 

"The victim," she reached for a folder from a nearby officer. She began flipping through intently before passing it over to me. "He's only the biggest and baddest leader of your typical local drug trade. The man is a corporate genius, and that's how he's stayed in business so long. Even from prison walls. He was released just three years ago."

I began to look through the file, which corroborated with what Mado was saying. Of course, she would never let any word leave her mouth if she didn't know it wasn't a complete fact. 

"This guy was everything. Dime-bag slinger, hitman, gangbanger and everything in between. That's when I think of all the crimes we didn't catch him commit."

In his file there was a mugshot. He had chilling eyes and kept white hair. Ayato never told me that he looked just like Kaneki. I would've noticed the minute I set eyes on him at the party. No wonder he was so fixated on the man. 

Arima Kishou...what could he possibly been doing at the rehearsal dinner? He found a way to get himself invited, he was looking for Ayato no doubt. Then he walked off with Kaneki and... _shit_. If Kaneki killed this man I would have no fucking choice but to bring him in. What the fuck did he do? As my heart rate increased I shook my head, trying to stay leveled. 

"Is the victim dead?" 

"No," Mado answered, looking back to the street. "He's alive."

"All this blood?"

"Our shooter gave him a little something," Mado made a finger gun and rose it to her cheek, making a _pow_ sound. "That was after he was beaten to a bloody pulp."

Jesus Christ, Kaneki. 

"Will we be able to hold Arima?"

"After he recovers, maybe. We'll start digging around. This guy might've been a criminal, but honestly, he did us a lot of good wailing on that son of a bitch."

Mado walked off to one of the cars to retrieve her forensic kit.  

It was a relief to hear Kaneki didn't kill anyone. It looked like he came fairly fucking close, though. In fact, looking at the scene now, I was surprised he didn't. After every sick thing Arima did to Ayato, the way he fucked with his head. Kaneki had to see he was better than that, better than to stoop to his level. I was actually...proud. He scarred him and still had the strength to walk away, rather than giving into his anger. Staying hateful and vengeful was a sure fire way to an early grave. Those emotions consume you until your death. I told Ayato the same exact thing. 

All you need is the will. The willfulness to recognize a weakness and the willingness to overcome it. 

"I doubt this guy was a criminal," I rested my hands on my hips as I watched Akira take a sample of the blood splattered across the pavement. 

"I had similar thoughts," she responded. "This was personal. I wouldn't be surprised if it was someone he hurt in the past who finally found his way to him. But that doesn't mean he wasn't a criminal." 

"That's exactly what it means," I countered. "He must've been protecting someone."

Akira rose her brows, standing up and leaving her kit on the ground. "Do you know something about what happened here, Officer Urie?"

I held my breath for a short moment. 

"No. Carry on."

 

* * *

 

I made my way back to Hinami's. I must've been wandering, it was past one in the morning by the time I got back. I hadn't been paying much attention to the time. I crept in and ascended the stairs as quietly as possible. Unsure if Ayato was even there, I opened the door carefully. 

Once I was inside a dim light caught my eye. I saw Ayato, or rather his mess of dark hair against the pillows. Beside him the bedside lamp was still turned on. I think he might've been sketching. I stepped out of my shoes and tiptoed over. Among the heap of papers there were pens and some charcoal. They were almost gesture drawings, sad and lithe creatures curled up in agony or stretched out unnaturally. They were pained, expressive. Dark. 

There was a soft rustle of light fabric. 

"Kaneki...?" 

As I saw him poke out beneath the blankets, I took a seat beside him. His hair was fanned out against the white linens, most of the color drained from his face. He looked past exhausted. His face was scraped and scratched in a few places, it was clear he had been in a fight. I laid my hand against his cheek and pressed a kiss to his forehead. 

"Show me," I murmured as I pulled away.

"You don't want to see-"

"Yes I do."

With a sigh, Ayato shook his head. He sat up, easing the covers off of his torso. Against his body there was a dressing on the left side of his ribcage. A large bandage held down with surgical tape. 

"How bad is it...?"

He blinked at me once, a delayed reaction. Ayato went for a corner and began to lift the tape. He peeled back enough to reveal the wound, a jagged inch and a half line sealed with suture. It didn't look infected at all, it was recently cleaned but still red around the area. It had been deep, and it had been painful. It was clear just from looking. Silently, he reapplied the tape.

"Just another scar."

"Ayato," I shook my head, my eyes slipping shut. 

"It's okay. I'm alive," he responded, staring up at the ceiling. "...I thought I was drowning. I couldn't even move or do anything but lay there as the blood rose in my mouth."

"You must've been so scared," my hands began to tighten. "I'm sorry I wasn't there. I should've been. I shouldn't have been that way with you that night..."

"After all I've done, it's nothing," he shrugged. "Nothing I don't deserve."

"That may be," I opened my eyes to my hands unfurling in my lap. "But I don't give a shit about that anymore. I promised to always to be good to you, to be kind and gentle and I didn't do that that night. You deserve so, so much more, you have no concept whatsoever-"

"Kaneki," he quieted me with a weak smile. He took my hand, draping the other over mine. "It's fine. Don't think I haven't gone through the 'massage my dick and leave' situation. I've done it myself. I'm used to it."

"Well get unused to it."

"Everyone's allowed their anger," he looked off, releasing my hand. The tears began to well in his eyes. "You're my greatest mistake. Not killing my mother or constantly betraying my sister or taking enough heroin to kill me twice over. But hurting you...purposely lying and damaging our relationship...I would take all that back if I could. That look in your eyes when I told you I didn't want you anymore...I never want you to feel that again. All I want is to fix that...to fix everything."

My heart ached. Not with joy, I wasn't particularly happy to hear these words. It hurt to be reminded of what happened, what mistakes we both made. I never put the blame on him or myself. It wasn't sorrow, it was almost relieving to know the regret he carried around with him on a daily basis. Because he cut my heart to pieces, every which way.

But we were together again. The past didn't matter anymore. 

"I love you, Ayato-kun. I couldn't stay angry with you if I tried."

"Sometimes I wish you would try," he mumbled, crossing his arms.

I frowned to myself. The only person who could pull him out of his self-loathing circle was himself. 

"Never," I exhaled, laying my hand on one of his shoulders. "And after what happened to you I have no time for that. I need to look after you."

"Right," he scoffed. "No one could've stopped him. And no one could've stopped her. That boy couldn't have been older than fifteen. She just...killed him...with no qualms or discomfort."

"That isn't your doing, Ayato-kun."

"But it is," his brow furrowed as his gaze met mine. "If I didn't go fighting in the first place, I never would've beat his father. His uncle kept pulling him back into the circle probably so he could replace his father and the money they lost. And after I finished squashing that bastard's head like a grapefruit, he would've ended up alone. All alone, young and cold on the streets of a dangerous city. But now he's dead. And he'll never know what his fucked up life could've been."

"Ayato," I spoke firmly, taking his hand in mine. "You have to understand what happened to him was not your fault. It's wrong and it's sad and it's completely fucked. But don't forget that he stabbed you. As you know, actions have consequences. He didn't know you have an extremely over-protective stalker that would kill for you at any time. But...shit happens."

"Shit happens?" He echoed with a sardonic chuckle. "A child is dead because of me. I could never forget that he stabbed me. I'll never forget the look on his face when he told me I turned him into a monster."

I exhaled, running a hand through my hair before placing both my hands on his shoulders. I held contact with his dark and tired eyes. "You said you felt like you were drowning? Probably because he stabbed you in the lung. Well, it must've been more like a knick actually because your lung would've deflated completely. Sure, you have another lung to breathe with but then there's all the blood. Not just from the wound but the blood and bile that rises in your mouth from the internal bleeding, the blood in your lungs. You would've died choking on your own blood face-down in the snow. Am I wrong?"

He pressed his lips into a hard line, shaking his head. 

"I would take you over him any day."

"I know," his voice broke, giving to hanging his head. "I know, Kaneki. But he was just a kid...just a kid making a stupid fucking decision. All the fucked up choices I made at that age and I never..."

"You also never attempted murder. It was his time. It wasn't yours."

"All the fucking people who got hurt in my place," he gritted through his teeth, letting his misery wash away to make room for his rage. "You, Yomo-san, Uta, Touka and Hide, even Mutsuki and Urie...I've hurt all of you in ways that can't be taken back. And for what? I wouldn't even forgive myself. Yet here I still am...but what about what I deserve? Why haven't I been punished?"

It pained me to see him in this state. His indigo eyes were soaked with tears, widened and searching mine for an answer. For anything. He'd never looked so lost. I exhaled and gently laid my hand over the bandaged wound on his stomach. 

"You have." 

Ayato shook his head in rejection of this, his hair swaying with the motion. 

"He knew, Kaneki," he quickly shielded his face behind his hands. "He knew exactly where I would be, when, and why. Who knows how long he's been watching me? He only chose to fuck with me now because he's trying to drive a wedge between us. I won't fucking let him."

"I'd say we've been wedged between enough," I nodded in agreement. 

"Arima-san acts like he cares about me, but it's all control. Like the way he uses Ihei as a puppet. I know his game. It's all psychological, with the threat of physical. I'll tell you right now, I will not end up like her. I'd sooner cut my wrists open." 

"You won't have to do that," I scooted closer. 

"It's better than the alternative," he sniffed, wiping the water off his cheeks. "I refuse to be one of his projects. Ihei said...she said he would-"

"It's alright, Ayato-kun," I lifted his chin a bit, bringing his eyes back to mine. "He'll never hurt you again. He'll never touch you. I promise."

"...you say that with awful confidence."

I sighed at his suspicions. 

"I took care of it."

"Kaneki," he sat up fully now. "What did you do?" 

"I protected us and I defended you. Everything I needed to."

The skin between his brows tensed and I knew I was in trouble. He leaned into me, his fingers sliding softly down my chest. I missed this contact, his touch had always been pacifying. As my eyes slipped shut I felt Ayato swiftly reach into my jacket, immediately finding what he was looking for. With the gun in his hand I watched the revulsion rise to his face. 

"He would've taken you from me again..." I glanced to the weapon. 

"Now we'll both die for sure," he tensed even further. "All because you didn't listen to me."

"I couldn't stand by and let him-"

"It's okay," he interrupted, shaking his head as if in some sort of realization. I could see the wheels turning in his head as he set the gun down behind him on the bedside table. "I'll book us a flight for New York tomorrow. That should buy us some time to lure them away from here. If we start packing now maybe we-"

"No, Ayato-kun, you don't have to run anymore. You'll never have to again. I handled the situation."

"Handled," he scoffed, a show of contempt. "You've _buried_ me, is what you've done. And if I'm lucky I still might be able to get you and my family out alive." 

"It's like you said: it's all a game. Threats and smoke and mirrors. He wouldn't hurt your family because it would jeopardize your loyalty."

"And Ihei? What does she give a shit about my loyalty? She'd want nothing more than to get her hands on both of us now. She'll be waiting for us to slip up. The slightest misstep," he snapped his fingers. "And we're finished. She'll fill us with lead."

"It's not like she's his right-hand or anything. She's muscle. Disposable, all the same to him. He'd never put her in charge."

"How could you know this?" His head tilted. 

"We talked for some time."

"Yeah, he likes to listen to himself," Ayato rolled his eyes.

"He wanted to groom you to take over his business. All of it. He wanted you to have it...he said he owed it to you."

Ayato looked at me as if I sprouted a fifth limb. It was hard for him to understand anyone doing anything nice for him, including Arima. He looked down for a moment.

"Of course. He couldn't put Eto in charge due to her unavailability and celebrity status. Doubtful he trusted anyone working under him."

"Which made you a perfect candidate."

"I see," he nodded. "That will never happen. After this little flesh wound I'm going to look after myself properly now. I can't be scaring you like that."

As his cool hands touched mine I felt an instant relief. We laced our fingers and sighed collectively, leaning in for a kiss at the same time. Our lips touched for a brief moment, his head falling against my shoulder.

"I probably should've thanked him," I laid my hand against his hair. "You would have died last night if he didn't have someone looking after you."

"I know..." He shook his head, disturbed by the fact. "But it's you who saved me. Saves me. Every time. And I never want to know what it's like to be without you again."

"You won't," I wrapped my arms around him.

"I'm sorry," his voice cracked. "I'm sorry it happened this way. I didn't want you to hurt anyone else-"

"It's alright, Ayato-kun. I didn't kill him. Can't say I didn't hurt him..."

"What?" Ayato peered up from my shoulder, his eyes open for an answer.

"Technically I shot him in the head. I thought it would be proper punishment. Death is easy, right? He'll die soon enough on his own. I just had to make sure he wouldn't hurt you again."

"He's alive?" His eyebrows rose. 

"As good as it would've felt to unload that clip into his head, it would've been foolish. With no leader to control them his thugs would've came at us from every which way, Ihei included. No, I wanted him alive," I looked down at my right hand, bruised and swelled from the beating. "I wanted him to hear me. He did."

"I-I just hope it's enough," the fear returned to his voice. In a world where Arima was alive, he was scared. It was understandable. I could teach him differently. 

"Arima knows he lost," I began to thread my fingers through his hair. "He wanted you. He failed the first time, and he failed the second. He won't try for third. He's been embarrassed enough. He can see now. I would do anything for you. He'll never understand that kind of love or commitment."

"You still shot him," he reminded me.

"I just gave him a little scar."

He'd be blind soon, anyways. Wouldn't matter to him. 

"What's to stop him from coming back?"

"The man is sick. I assume he'll be in the hospital for some time for the gunshot. He had a stroke recently that affected his vision. He'll be blind within the year, he said."

"No wonder he was adamant on finding a replacement...he knew something would happen to him."

"I doubt he knew it would be a stroke, but it only made him more determined. You looked better and better, especially since you're clean now."

"He couldn't have believed I'd go anywhere with him," Ayato pulled back. 

"He did want your cooperation, but he would've done without it."

Ayato paused for a moment, running his hands through his wild hair. I smiled at him, smoothing down the stray waves. He took both my hands quietly, looking down. 

"Is it really over...?"

"It is," I gave his hands a soft squeeze.

With a nod, a few of his tears caught the light. After I wiped them away we laid in the dark and he asked me how I was brave. How I was unafraid. I told him I had never been more scared in my life. The only thing that brought me back was the thought of him. The thought of this, him sleeping and breathing softly with his head against my chest.

 

* * *

 

"Easy, _easy_ -" 

With a suck of my teeth I snatched his wrist.

"I haven't even touched it yet," he reminded me, glancing down at my wound. Its bite was vicious. The surrounding skin was soft and red, the stitching trim and presice. Yomo had handled me with care. It certainly wasn't infected, and would heal smoothly if kept clean. But the alcohol stung like a bitch, and I couldn't stand it. "You asked me to help, remember?"

I huffed out a breath, cocking my head to the side. "Do it quickly."

He dabbed the alcohol across the sealed incision. I held my jaw taut, wincing from the pain. I wasn't sure when I would fully heal, I hadn't asked Yomo. He said the stitches would dissolve. I longed for that day now...for the final wound to heal. 

"There," Kaneki set aside the swab and reached for the adhesive bandage, delicately pressing it on. 

"Thank you."

"Let's get you dressed."

He stood up first, offering a hand. I took it and he helped me to my feet. I did my best to ignore the pain in my side. I was getting better at it. 

Kaneki had brought a couple of Hugo Boss suits from last year's collection, and insisted that I wear one of them. I really had no problem with that. The one he had picked out for me was a deep navy, the fabric patterned with herringbone. The tie was the same shade of navy, the shirt beneath a light gray. After stepping into the pants Kaneki helped me with the button-down, swiftly fastening the shirt. 

"We won't stay that long," he offered. "I know you're not feeling well. We only need to be there for the reception."

"Don't be ridiculous, Kaneki," I smiled down at him. "Even if it wasn't my sister's wedding, it's your best friend's. We're staying. This paper cut won't stop me."

"Your health is more important," he began to tuck my shirt in. I groaned at the process. And the product. "Just let me know if you start to feel lightheaded- anything. Anything at all."

"Won't be necessary," I ran my fingers along his chin and he chuckled. "Besides, I invited Yomo-san. If anything were to happen he'd help."

I watched his brow furrow as he clasped my pants. 

"What?"

I reached for my belt, beginning to slide it through the loops. 

"How do you even know if the man is trustworthy? You said it yourself that he cut a deal with Arima."

"Yeah, like a smart person would. But he was a slave like the rest of us," I buckled the belt. "He's my friend. I'd be dead if it weren't for him. And crippled."

"I hope you're right."

"I am," I responded as Kaneki retrieved the jacket. "He watches out for me."

"Please," Kaneki rolled his eyes before holding the fabric up behind me. "He probably wants to get in your pants like the rest of them."

"No," I shook my head. "That's definitely not it. He treats me like family. So I'm doing the same."

I slid my arms inside as delicate as possible. I was careful not to tear the stitching or rip my skin. It sang along the way with pain. But once the jacket was on I sighed relief, fingering the small patterning.

"Almost done."

Kaneki reached for the tie. He slid it around my neck and began to fold. I watched his eyes for a moment. There was a lightness to them that I hadn't seen in years. If he killed again, the darkness would've returned. It would've returned and taken us both unapologetically. Sometimes it felt like he was going against his kind-hearted nature, his gentle ways. But he wasn't. The fire had always been inside of him. The ire. He was just better at concealing it. Once it was released there was no caging him. And it was better this way. I could feel his pain, and another weight on his shoulders would have crushed him. 

He finished wrapping the fabric, knotting it off. He ran his fingers down the tie before scrambling for something else. 

Kaneki placed one of two peonies in my breast pocket, a bit flattened with a light blue shade. I ran my fingers through my hair a few times, shaking it out. I could sense how messy it was, but in all honesty I couldn't have cared less.

"You look so handsome," he mumbled, glancing down as if embarrassed. 

"Thank you, Ken doll," I grinned, approaching him. He was still standing in his underwear and socks, his glasses resting on his nose. "You've never looked better, either."

He shrugged, scrunching up his nose as he adjusted his glasses. "I haven't been working out as much. I need to catch up with you."

"I don't believe so," I murmured, easing my hand along the muscles in his thigh. He was velvet against my fingers, his breath hitching as I pulled him closer. My other hand scaled his back, the creases in his bicep. He never had to do anything. Skinny, tall, fat, short, dirty, clean, ugly, pretty: it didn't matter. The only person I could ever want was right in front of me, flushing as he touched my chest. "You're the model, after all."

"I told you that was one time," he feigned a frown. "Please don't bring it up in front of Tsukiyama-san. I already hear enough on how fabulously Dior sweaters 'hug my body'."

"That reminds me," I tapped my chin. "I should kill him for flirting with you so much, right?"

"Not if you want me to have a job."

"I do like the clothing," I shrugged, feeling the softness of the cotton shirt. I had gotten used to Hanes t-shirts and Fruit of the Loom boxers. Without drug money I didn't have much to spend on nice clothing, everything else I needed to buy was a necessity. Still, it felt nice to wear clothes I could never afford. "I suppose."

"Shuu is just a whore," Kaneki shrugged, pulling of his glasses and setting them down. He reached for his own shirt. "He flirts with everyone. I think if he actually had me he wouldn't know what to do with himself."

"I can certainly attest to that," I mumbled, suddenly sensing the still-raw skin on my wrists. 

Taking a few steps back, I took a seat on the bed. Sometimes it was more entertaining to watch him dress than undress himself. His suit and tie were charcoal black, flat and smooth. The shirt he had set aside was navy, the same dark shade of blue that I was wearing. He buttoned up his shirt, the pants coming next. After tucking in his shirt he secured one of my belts at his waist. He pulled on the jacket and stepped into his shoes, effortlessly running a hand through his hair. I thought _I_ was good-looking but every time I looked at him I questioned what that even meant. He was otherworldly. Between the supernatural color of his hair and his soft features he caught everyone's attention. Especially mine. Sometimes I wished I noticed who he was much sooner. If I had I would've snatched him up and never let him go. 

He tucked one of the blue flowers into his breast pocket.

"I thought matching would be lame. This is much better."

"It is," I smiled, standing up. I ran my thumb over the scrape on his cheek, the cuts on his lips. They would fade soon, like the rest of what happened. "Everyone's going to be staring at you."

"Stop it already," he hung his head, anything to escape my gaze. 

"Fine."

Without word I took his jaw in my hands, pressing my mouth to his throat. He moaned once, quietly, his hands going to my back. As I began to kiss his neck his grip tightened, his feet becoming unsteady. 

"Ayato, wait-"

I pulled on his skin, his flavor the most familiar thing in the world. As he said my name I cursed, easing back. "What is it?"

"We have to leave soon," he reminded me. 

"Soon is enough time for me," I took hold of his waist and lifted him off of the ground. He half-gasped and half-giggled, his calves curling around me. I laid him down and went straight for his belt. He stopped my hand by the wrist.

"Any second now Hinami will be walking through the door to take us over to the hotel. I'd prefer if my dick wasn't out when that happens."

" _My_ dick, you mean," I smirked at him. 

"Ha, ha," he faked a laugh. "Come on, now. Let's not traumatize the poor girl. We have a wedding to spectate, anyway. Aren't you excited you're getting a big brother?"

"You have officially murdered my boner. It's dead."

As he laughed genuinely this time, there was a knock on the door. I climbed off of Kaneki and helped him to his feet even though the pain in my side was screaming at me not to lift anything. 

"Come in."

Hina opened the door, walking in with a smile. She was wearing a sleeveless soft green dress with a tapered skirt that ended above her knees. She had curled her hair a bit and chose equally complimenting colors for her makeup. 

"Oh, you guys look so cute together," her brows peaked as if in sadness. But she was only overwhelmed, covering her face thereafter. "I'm so happy today."

"Hinami," I cooed, walking over to her. "Don't cry just yet. Save the tears for Touka."

"I'm trying!"

"And you look beautiful. This color is amazing."

"She's such a spring," Kaneki agreed with a sigh. 

"Usually this is the part where I asked why your faces are all bruised and scratched up, but, I don't even care!" She exclaimed, clearly relieved she didn't have to worry as much about me anymore. In one jump she wrapped each arm around both of our necks and squeezed us into a tight and forceful group hug. "I can tell it's going to be a perfect day. I love you both."

"We love you too, Hinami-chan," Kaneki chuckled. 

"Alright!" She pulled back. "Time to watch Touka and Hide fall in love all over again."

 

* * *

 

The venue was in a hotel's ball room in the 1st Ward. It was a classy place, but nothing too extravagant or out of range. The floors were a creamy shade of marble veined with gray. The columns were fashioned from the same stone as well as the countertops. There were a fair amount of people in the lobby, hustling in from the snow to check their bags and into their rooms. Hinami lead us to the elevator. 

"They both want to speak with you. Separately," Hinami pressed the up button. "I have a few finishing touches to make in the ballroom. See you down there."

She waved her dainty fingers and walked off as the lift opened. I gestured inside and Kaneki took the first step. The walls were dark and reflective, light leaving something to be desired. I pressed the sixth floor, feeling a bit claustrophobic as the doors shut. 

"You should talk with Hide first," Kaneki suggested. "While I simmer your sister down for you."

"That's probably the right idea," my lips pursed as the elevator began to ascend. "I wanted to be there yesterday. More than anything, really."

"I know. I know you know how important it is to Touka-chan. Hide does, too."

I'd have to work on not rolling my eyes at the sound of his name. 

"I'll be nice," I grumbled.

Kaneki smiled and stepped closer to me, taking my arm. "Thank you, Ayato-kun."

"Anything for you."

As the elevator came to a stop he pressed a kiss to my cheek, taking my hand and walking us out. I squeezed his hand, looking for any balance. I was getting hotter by the second, facing Hide was the last thing I wanted to do.

"Here we are."

We stopped in front of the doors. Although they were dressing separately, their rooms were adjoined. I let Kaneki knock first. In about two seconds the door swung open, a polished hand pulling him inside by his lapel. Once the door shut I sighed to myself and knocked on Hide's door. 

The lock clicked and I was surprised to find Hide behind it with a smile on his face. It didn't even fade as he looked at me. He was happy to see me. 

"Come in, Ayato-kun," he stepped aside. 

I walked into the hotel room as Hide closed the door behind us. He was alone, but I could hear Eto, Shuu, Rio and my sister giggling through the closed dividing door. He was playing some soft music to counteract their noise. As I looked over my shoulder I found him picking up his black tie.

"You wanted to see me?"

"I did," he nodded. 

"Let's get on with it then," I shrugged.

"Ayato-kun," he spoke with a new breath, crossing the room to stand before me. "I wanted to apologize for the things I said the other day. They were completely uncalled for."

"They weren't," I shook my head. "You were right. Every single word was the truth, and we both know that."

"Still. I could've handled it better."

"We could all handle everything better."

"We're going to be brothers, Ayato-kun," his hand tightened around the fabric with anxiety. "I love your sister more than anything on this planet. All I want is my life and my family with her, which includes you. And Kaneki. Could we take it one day at a time, trying not to rip each other's throats out? To try to be brothers. For your sister. For my baby. For us."

With a heavy sigh, he pulled a hand through his golden hair. 

"Gimme that," I took the tie from his hand, stepping closer and fixing it under his collar. His warm eyes widened for a minute, shocked by my display of kindness. I smiled at him. "For my sister, why not."

Hide returned a reluctant smile with my hands still at his neck. "I suppose I'll take what I can get."

"Smart. If you were anyone else I would've beaten you dead for kissing the man I love." 

"Ayato-"

"It's alright, really. I know why you did it," I began to fold the tie. "Here I was thinking you were bi and ready to try this whole time but, it's just your love for him, too. You were taking care of him. Like I couldn't."

"That's not true," he shook his head. "You're everything to him. He'll love you, need you, want you no matter what. You know that."

"I want to be what he needs."

"I don't know if Kaneki will ever need anyone," he mused, watching my hands work. "He's always been like that, ever since we were kids. The loner. I remember begging him to come play outside at recess with everyone but he just wanted to read alone under a tree."

"That sounds about right," I chuckled at the thought

"His mother...his aunt, they were so unpresent it taught him about himself, about being alone. He didn't want to end up alone like them. Especially in death. And I won't say that's why he took an interest in you, there were many factors. His intentions were always pure with you. I know that he thought he could help you as a friend. After meeting you I knew friendship between you two wouldn't last. You wouldn't stop eye-fucking him that first night at dinner."

I laughed to think all the way back to that night. It seemed so far behind us now. 

"It was bad, huh? I wish I knew then it wasn't just sex I wanted from him."

"I know he made it difficult for you," he snickered. 

"That's putting it lightly," I rolled my eyes, finishing up the knot and tightening it. "I was practically begging him to fuck me for months. And that's not something I do. Ever. Unless roleplay is involved."

"He saw your condition, recognized it, and knew it was better to wait. After all, you can't really love someone if you don't love yourself."

As I smoothed out his tie I looked to his eyes at the end of his sentence. "You're right, Hide. You're not as dumb as you look."

He chuckled and gave me a brotherly grasp of the shoulder. His eyes then lit up like he was remembering something. 

"That's right! I have a gift for you." 

Hide picked up his jacket off the bed, shrugging it over his shoulders. He began to check the inside pockets, smiling when he came across what he needed. He walked over to me with a card in his hand. 

"This is for you," he offered me the hotel keycard. It was a deep shade of red. I looked at it without taking it from his hand.

"What is it?"

"The honeymoon suite."

"Oh," my eyes widened, feeling the blood rush to my cheeks. "I-I couldn't take you and Touka away from that. Kaneki wouldn't want to either."

"Please," he waved me off. "Touka-chan has always wanted to go to Paris this time of year. Tsukiyama called some of his friends at the Ritz Carlton, we're leaving in the morning. Least we can do is give you and Kaneki something, too." 

Hide offered the card again. I took it this time, sliding it into one of my inner pockets. Without warning I bombarded him with a hug, squeezing his shoulders. My side simmered with enough pain for me to clench my teeth. He sighed relief and returned the embrace.

"Thank you, Ani."

"Anything for my little brother," I could hear the smile in his voice. 

That would definitely take some getting used to.

 

* * *

  

"Kaneki!" 

It was slightly unnerving at first. One second I was looking at Ayato the next Eto was pulling on my suit's lapel, hauling me into the room. In the short hallway by the front door and bathroom, the girl cornered me as Touka and the rest carried on laughing with one another.

"It's good to see you, Eto-san," our eyes met. "You look pretty."

"You think so?" She put a hand to her chest, doing a quarter of a spin to show me her garment. A cropped halter top combined with a high-rise chiffon skirt in a shade of chartreuse. It might've been from Valentino's spring collection. I didn't know. She ran her fingers along the small sliver of her skin that was exposed. "I was going for more than pretty." 

"Gorgeous, then," I shrugged.

"Better," she smiled, twisting one of the loose curls that fell from her bun. "And you're looking delicious as ever. Where's the hunky boyfriend?"

"Next door," I gestured with my head. 

"You two really are something," Eto's smile finally faded, letting the façade slip. "I've had my over-endearing fans, stalkers and what have you. None of them whacky enough to commit murder for me, though. Is that what you call true love?"

"I'm not sure what you're talking about," I blinked, appearing lost. "I wouldn't say murder equals love. On the other hand when you're forced to chose between someone you care for and someone you don't, well, it's obvious what the choice is."

"I pity you, Ken," she frowned. "You should've known better than to let such a toxic person into your life. Look what he brought with him."

"He certainly showed me parts of myself I didn't know were there."

"I know what you mean," her eyes cast down. "In the end we love who we love, it's not a choice. It makes us weak."

"You're wrong, Eto-san," I felt my brow furrow. "It makes us strong. I wouldn't be the person I am now without Ayato-kun. I'm stronger now _because_ I love him. I want to protect him and my family more than anything, and I have to be strong for them. Love gives you motivation and hope, not weakness."

"What a romantic you are," she tilted her head a bit, unimpressed by my response. "A bit stupid, maybe, but romantic. Ayato-kun is lucky to have you. Arima was less lucky."

"Luck had nothing to do with it. He deserved every piece of that and more," there was a sudden rush in my chest, stepping closer as I reminisced in the sensation of that night. 

"You don't have to tell me. He tried and failed. That simple."

"That's all you have to say? Nothing in his defense?"

"What do you want me to say? Way to go? Pat you on the back? I know what Arima wanted from Ayato-kun, I'm not daft. Seems like he made the wrong choice though, didn't he?" Her lips curled into a smile as she laid her hand against my chest. "You would've been fabulous at it. You're ruthless. When Arima learned that he was already too late."

"Yes," I took her hand by the wrist, looking into her eyes. "I hope you've learned, Eto-san. I'd hate to do the same to you."

"Ooh," her brows lifted, intrigue soaking into her expression. Her wrist twitched under my grasp. "That's where you're wrong, Kaneki-san. You wouldn't. You'd enjoy it. You're too far gone now. I'd like to see what you could do to me once you're angry enough."

"If you continue testing me, you'll find out."

She smiled even wider. 

"Uh, Kaneki-san?" Rio poked his head out from behind the wall. His eyes widened when he saw my hold on Eto. "I'm not interrupting anything, am I?"

"No," I let go of her arm. 

"You're fine, Rio-kun. Just semantics," she smiled at him over her shoulder before turning back to me. "We'll speak later, Ken."

She pressed forward and put her mouth to my cheekbone, gliding her tongue against the sensitive skin. I kept my composure, feeling my eyes shut in a brief moment of disgust. Once she was gone Rio was standing before me. He looked relatively happy given the situation, though he looked a bit paler than usual. The dark gray of his rented suit helped his look of secret melancholy. 

"Are you alright?" Rio eyed me up and down. "That looked pretty...intimate."

"Don't concern yourself," I shook my head, wiping her saliva off my face. "She's got a thing for me."

"Looks like you might be the one with a thing," he widened his eyes, peering to the ground. "Just calling it how I see it."

I exhaled for a moment. Perhaps I could educate him with this. "Sometimes, Rio, you have to play along with people. Cater to their ways. Humor them. Sometimes it's the only way to get you where to need to be." 

My response brought a look of aversion, his brow creasing. As his lips pursed, ready to speak, I walked past him to the vanity where Touka was seated. 

"There you are." 

On top of the desk with the mirror laid all her cosmetics and probably some of Eto's. It was a lot of makeup, tons of palettes and eye pencils and loose pigments from designer and drugstore brands alike. But her face was soft, shimmering a bit under the light. As much makeup as there was on the counter the bare minimum was on her face. She tossed her hair over her shoulder, its hue cooled completely. Now it was a very subtle shade of blue, like the sky on a clear day. 

I set myself behind her chair and ran my fingers through her hair. 

"It looks perfect on you."

"You flatter me, Kaneki," she smiled, spinning a blush brush in her hand. "Or is it Ani now? Feels like you claimed my brother years ago."

"Actually, that's what I wanted to talk with you about, Touka-chan."

"You're a better brother to me than he'll ever be," she looked back to the mirror, sweeping the color over her cheeks. "Yet Hide's in the next room just shaking for his approval."

"Can't blame him for wanting a positive relationship with his brother-in-law. We've all been on Ayato's bad side. It's not fun."

"No shit. And I'll be damned if I let one of his little moods ruin the best day of my life."

I looked behind us. The rest of the room was by the closet, fawning over the dress. I laid my hands on Touka's shoulders and leaned down beside her. 

"He's not going to ruin anything. I'm watching him, remember? And for your information, he wants your happiness as much as you do. That's the only reason he's biting his tongue and speaking with Hide. Not because of me. It's for you," I nodded once. "Give him one more chance to show you know he's not completely lost."

"I want to believe it this time. I do," she set down the brush. "The best thing for me to do is not think about him. If I do I'll worry. Then I'll crease."

Touka touched the space between her brows where a frown line was already forming. 

"Don't, then. He'll be with me and we'll both be out there supporting the two of you. There's no where else I'd rather be, Touka-chan."

"Thank you, Kaneki," she smiled, more color reaching her cheeks. She rose from her vanity and threw a hug around me, squeezing my shoulders tight. "I'll never forget everything you've done for us."

"Kaneki-kun."

We were interrupted by Tsukiyama, the dress draped over his arm. The white cover read Vera Wang, he had certainly gave her the most important wedding gift. Touka sighed, pulling herself from me and turning to Shuu. "Is it ready?"

"Ready as it will ever be, Nagachika-san."

Touka smiled and glanced to me one more time. She was an emulsion of emotions. Fear, happiness, anxiety, nausea. Putting on the dress was the final step. What made it real. She adjusted her hotel robe tighter and followed Tsukiyama into the bathroom.

"She's never looked prettier..." Rio stood beside me frowning as Eto took a seat on one of the beds, tapping away on her phone. He shook out his hair with a groan. "I guess this is it."

"Hide is good for her. He's family. And so are you, Rio-kun. She wanted you here."

"Wanted to see me sulk, more like it," with this realization his teeth sunk into his lip. He muttered something intelligible before quickly slipping out of the room. 

 

* * *

  

As I opened the door to the hotel room, I wasn't surprised to find what I did. Rio sitting at the opposing wall with his head in his hands. He was still, he wasn't crying. He probably got the majority of that out of the way this morning. With a sigh I caught his attention, his eyes looking up briefly before falling back into his palms. 

"She's my sister, you know," I reminded him, walking over. I was careful in taking a seat beside him on the floor, easing myself downward to not pull on the stitching. "If you told me she was marrying Mr. Here Comes the Sun three years ago I would've laughed in your face. I would've told you he was gay."

"He is?" Rio's voice lightened with a sliver of hope. 

"No," I responded with a laugh, tossing an arm around his shoulder. "Unfortunately you share the same affliction. I'm surprised you didn't just settle for me, honey. We look the same and I'm better at handling a penis."

At least that got a chuckle out of him. He lifted his head, wiping at his sniffling nose. "I was stupid to think she'd even look at someone like me."

"Hey," I exclaimed, tightening my grip and looking down at him. "Don't talk about my best friend like that. You have a hell of a lot to offer. Not even to women, but the world in general. But you can't hide from it now. You can't listen to that little voice in your head telling you you're a piece of shit. It'll stop you from doing anything."

"I know, you're right," he squeezed his eyes shut. "I just...really cared for her."

"And you still can, Rio. In case you forgot, she adores you. I know for a fact she wants you by her side right now, all the way up to the after party. Be there if you care for her. She's really nervous."

"I do, I want to be there for her."

"I know it's hard getting out of your head," I rose to my feet, offering Rio my hand. "But we've all gotta do it sometime."

He took my hand and allowed me to hoist up him from the ground.

"I probably won't be talking much the rest of this day, so you should know something."

"What is that?" I looked over my shoulder, my hand already on the door handle. 

"Kaneki-san and that girl with the matcha hair," he crossed his arms over his chest, hardening his voice. "Watch them together."

"And why would I do that?" I faced him in full. 

"You might find it interesting. I caught them with their hands on each other, Kaneki-san looking all angry and handsome. He basically told me to fuck off when I called him out."

Instead of going straight to a reaction and dragging Eto out of the room by her hair, I processed. I processed if dragging her out of the room by her hair was the correct choice. I took that feeling and shoved it aside, allowing my brain to work. Eto has always flirted with my boyfriend. Everyone always has. For her it was a small thing I was willing to overlook because she was my friend and my dealer. After learning she was Arima's pet I could give two shits about the girl. Now she was simply fucking with me, fucking with both of us. Probably because she enjoyed it, and because Kaneki shot a hole in the man's face. If she could bat her eyelashes at Kaneki all the while torturing us it wouldn't be a problem. Easy enough. I could handle her. 

But now it was time to throw this back at Rio, who was only rubbing this in my face because he was pissed about my sister getting married. 

"Now, Rio," I took one step. "I know you're not insinuating Kaneki would do a single thing to hurt me."

"You wanna know what he said to me?" His brows rose in disbelief. "'Sometimes you have to play games with people. Pretend and cater to them. Sometimes it's the only way to get you where you need to be.'"

Oddly enough, that sounded like something Uta would say. He would say we were all puppets on a string, most of us not even living the lives we wanted or loving the ones we needed. You'd have to pull your own strings if you're going to get anywhere. Sometimes that meant playing a role. Sometimes that meant lying to people. I felt my frown form, my heart slowing down. Would Kaneki be saying these things three years ago? No. He'd be in his cute apartment reading a book on his bed and I'd be against his chest playing my handheld. I cursed him, the person he used to be. Though sometimes I feel that part of him, his primal side, was only temporarily dormant. It was going to show itself eventually. I just wish I hadn't been the one to cause it. 

"So what if he's just 'catering' to you?" 

"He's always catered to me. Before we even started dating, he'd do nearly anything I asked of him. How do I put this...I was what you call the worst boyfriend ever. I really don't know how else to say it," I glanced to the ground, cringing in recollection. "He has nothing to gain from me. He's rich, he's powerful, he can fuck anyone he wants. There's no game to play between us anymore."

"Maybe. Maybe now he wants to play games with someone else."

Rio walked right past me, almost pushing me out of the way to enter the room. I followed him inside, shaking my head. 

Inside it felt as if static filled my brain, nothing computing aside from the sight in front of me. I eased Rio out of the way unconsciously, taking steps to get a better look at my sister. The first thing I noticed was her hair. It was loose apart from a braided crown, soft shades of blue falling over her shoulder. Her skin was sparkling, putting the jewelry posted on her neck and ears to shame. Then there was the dress. It was probably Vera Wang, only the best from Tsukiyama. It was a ballgown, five feet of regal white layered lace that covered her small, sandaled feet. The bodice held the most detail. The lace covering had silver embroidery with a hint of sequins, shining under the light. The skirt was tulle, fixed with subtle pieces of the lace. The veil ended at the middle of her back, but it was really her smile that completed the entire look. For a moment I realized that I was looking at the most beautiful girl in the world. I laid my hand over my heart, finally pulled out of my stupor. I smiled to myself. 

"Is your sister not the most gorgeous thing you have ever seen?" Tsukiyama turned to me with a smirk, looking rather understated in his black suit. 

"S-She's yes, I've never seen. Her look. Uh, yeah."

I shook my head furiously, sensing the blood rising to my cheeks. Everyone, excluding Rio, made sure to laugh heartily at my response. Touka then drifted in my direction. 

"I've never seen you look so stupefied," she rose a brow at me.

"That's known to happen to men when they face a goddess."

She tried to hide her smile as she took a punch at my shoulder. 

"How are you feeling?"

"Good. Not too sick this morning, but there's still time," she chuckled. "I'm...I'm really glad you're here, Ayato. I didn't know if you would be."

"I know. I fucked up, Touka. Just living a life of fallacies. I'm done. I'm done with all that shit. I can't promise I'll never disappoint you again, but I promise I'll never hurt you. I'll never let you down like that again. I know you needed me."

"You're here now, that's all that matters."

I smiled again, taking another gander at her ensemble. "Hide is one lucky son of a bitch." 

"He gave you the suite, I assume?"

"Your idea?" I asked with a raise of my brows. 

"No. It was all Hide. So you can thank him when you and Kaneki are 'cuddling' later tonight."

"Ha, ha," I forced a laugh. "I'm just glad I had a chance to talk to him. He's not _too_ bad." 

"We love both of you," she shrugged. "I thought it was a nice idea. And I'll be in Paris for a couple of months so you won't have to worry about me. Or I you."

"I can't do that."

"Yeah, me either," she chuckled, glancing down. When she looked back up she cupped one of my cheeks in her hand, rolling her thumb over a scraped bruise. "After all, Mom always taught us to look after each other."

"As I recall, she made us promise her to."

"Let's not break that promise again."

"Never."

I took Touka's face and pressed a small peck to her lips. She groaned in revulsion, sticking her tongue out and blowing raspberries. I pulled her into a hug as she ceased struggling. The pain in my rib cage did its best to stop me, but I wouldn't let it. She threw her arms around my neck and I held her waist, feeling the delicate beading along the gown.  

"I love you, little brother. He'll take good care of you." 

I glanced up, finding Kaneki in one of the corners talking with his boss. He laughed, running a hand through his hair as he joked with Tsukiyama. He caught me staring and smiled, pursing his lips in an air kiss for me. 

"I know. And I know he'll take care of you, otherwise I wouldn't allow such a shindig," I eased back. "I love you too, Touka. And I'm happy for you."

"Thank you, Ayato," she glanced to the ground, glitter on her lashes sparkling against the light. Her brow furrowed. "Kaneki said you were hurt..."

"Yeah," I nodded, suddenly feeling hot under the bandaging. "It was nothing-"

"Enough that you had to stay overnight at the hospital. Clearly. You're all scratched up."

Usually no one mentioned anything because my face had always been bruised and cut up. Kaneki's was less obvious, of course. But people were more interested in looking at his face instead of asking about it. Go figure. 

"Would you believe me if I said you had nothing to worry about anymore?" 

She shook her head once. I chuckled. 

"I'm fine. Once again, getting hurt taught me many things. I won't be going back to any of those places."

"Good," she nodded, looking like she so desperately wanted to believe it. "That's no place for you, Ayato. You're stronger than anyone in any of those places. With everything you've been through, you don't have to prove a thing."

As I found myself at a loss for words, Tsukiyama called Touka over. She smiled at me one more time before returning to him so he could adjust her dress. That's when Kaneki joined me by my side.

"She looks so royal."

"Hide is certainly lucky," he nodded in agreement.

"So is Touka. She found a person who loves her to completion."

"It's nice, isn't it?" Kaneki smirked, reaching for my hand. Our fingers laced and he was warm. 

 

* * *

 

The reception was held in the ballroom. A divider was placed to split off where the party room would be. The place was rather dull, with walls of beige finishing and white marble and every other shade of boring. A few people were seated, the officiator waiting at the end of the aisle. Most of the guests were standing around talking with one another. I spotted Hinami with Naki by the dividing wall first before noticing my father alone in one of the corners. 

"We should go say hi," Kaneki suggested, glancing at him. 

"Sure," I braced with a smile. 

We walked in his direction. Our eyes met from across the room and he was struck with elation, now hurrying to meet us halfway. Once we were together he opened his arms in greeting. I released Kaneki's hand and accepted the embrace. I couldn't squeeze much, just moving my left arm caused my wound to sizzle with pain. Nevertheless, he patted my back and that made it hurt a little less. 

"I didn't think you two would be here. Looks like you got into some sort of fight," he looked between our bruised faces. 

"Not with each other," I smiled. 

"Touka-chan told me you got hurt, that you couldn't come. That was yesterday, at least. I'm just glad you're here for your sister and that you're safe. You are alright?"

"I can't say I've ever been better, Dad."

Arata smiled but then sighed for a moment, looking to the ground. 

"What is it?"

"I'm sure your sister will look just like her," I could see that he wanted to smile, but it just wasn't happening. He took a breath before laying his hand on my shoulder. "You have to stay safe, Ayato-kun. Out of trouble. Your mother would be so proud of you, your accomplishments with your art. I know she would adore Kaneki. Hide as well. The happiness and well-being of her children, that always came first."

"I know she wants to be here."

"She is," he nodded. "And she's looking out for both of you. Remember that."

"I will, Dad."

My father squeezed my shoulder before meandering off to one of the front seats. Turning back around I spotted Yomo walking uneasily through the front door. I waved him over with my right hand. He was dressed much like the rest, a simple dark suit and light button up. No tie. He didn't look like much of a tie person. 

"Ayato-kun," he greeted. "Ken."

"At first I thought you might not show."

"I wanted to meet your sister and her husband. I hope it's not overreaching, me being here."

"Not to worry. I'll introduce you two. And I believe you've meet Kaneki."

They glanced at each other. Yomo offered his hand. "Once, briefly, yes."

"I would've preferred we met under different pretenses," Kaneki took his hand without issue, shaking firmly. "So I could properly thank you for what you've done for Ayato-kun. For me."

"It was never a chore," Yomo nearly cracked a smile, releasing his hand. "I should thank you as well, for lifting a giant weight off of my shoulders."

"Yet you still look so burdened," I arched a brow. 

"Some things are too late to change. Some weights are worth keeping."

"Enough metaphors for today, Yomo-san. Let's sit."

We took our seats in the second row. It looked my father had stepped away, as he'd be the one giving away the bride. I sat between Yomo and Kaneki. He took my right hand with his. Everyone had begun to find their seats, still chatting. They went silent as the music began, the guests turning in their seats. The doors opened and Touka stood behind it, glowing as she held her bouquet of blue and white peonies. She smiled at our father to her right, their arms linking. They began to walk. Hide was already waiting at the alter, not bothering to hide the smile on his face. Once they reached each other and my father took his seat, their eyes were glued. As if no one else was here, no one else was watching. Hide whispered something to her and they both laughed. I'd never seen either of them look this happy. Thankfully the service was short and sweet, filled with forever promises and heartfelt laughs and spectator tears. I think even Kaneki might've gotten a bit misty. The two exchanged rings, kissed and we all applauded. As I clapped I wondered if this would be the happiest day of their lives. I hoped not.

It was difficult to reach my sister after we migrated to the party room. It was darker in there, void of light except for candles and the illuminated dance floor. Tsukiyama's cousin and Kaneki's assistant was performing with her band, starting off the night with more upbeat songs. Everyone was certainly enjoying the live music, already dancing or eating my father's curry. The three of us ate first while we waited for my sister and Hide. They were swamped with the other guests, bombarding them with congratulations and compliments. Once they were free I took the opening, pulling Yomo and Kaneki from their dinner. 

"Ayato-kun," Touka held her arms open for me, taking me in first. 

I held her waist tightly, again touching the small buttons on her bodice. She pressed her forehead to my shoulder and exhaled. 

"Thank you," she whispered. 

I pulled back and kissed her forehead before turning to Hide. I shook his hand and gave a confirming nod. 

"There's someone I wanted you to meet," I stepped aside. 

When Yomo looked at my sister, it was as if he froze for half of a second. His eyes went wide on her, his mouth nearly agape. I understood, she was that stunning. He shook that off very quickly, clearing his throat and introducing himself. 

"It is a pleasure to meet you, Touka. Hide," he shook the groom's hand as well. "Congratulations."

"Thank you," Touka smiled at him. "How do you two know each other?"

"Yomo-san is like the brother I never had," I patted his shoulder, sure to make him uncomfortable. He gave me a glare, the 'don't touch me in public' glare. "Mutual friend. He's saved my life a few times."

"And how is that?" Hide asked. 

"Some things are better kept secret," I shrugged to myself. 

"I second that all the way," Touka regarded me before stepping closer to Yomo. "You seem like a nice man. You'll look after my brother, won't you?"

As Touka smiled up at him, I could gradually see his heart beating faster. He smiled, albeit awkwardly and nodded in response. "I intend to."

"Standing right here," I rolled my eyes. 

"Touka-chan, I wanted to see you about-"

As my father approached our group he was cut short in his words, his throat closing up. He was looking at Yomo, then Touka, then back to Yomo again. Arata ran a hand through his hair, now marching up to the man with a scowl on his face. He snatched his wrist and began to drag him away. Even I was beyond confused by what I saw, immediately looking to Kaneki. 

"What the hell was that?"

"Looks like they know each other," he answered. 

"I'd say so," Hide noted.

"More importantly," Touka looked to me, her hands folded. "I have something to ask of you."

"Yes?"

"I thought it'd be nice if you talked after cake. You've experienced enough for ten lifetimes, I think everyone here could gain something from listening to you."

"She's right," Kaneki immediately agreed. 

"Whatever you want, Aneki," I smiled in her direction. "I'd be glad to." 

We parted again. I couldn't find my father or Yomo through the small crowd of people. Kaneki sat at our table while I headed to the bar for a couple of beers. 

"Two, please."

"Make that three."

I looked over my shoulder to see who had joined me, though I had a pretty good idea. 

Nishiki was still plainly handsome like he always had been. He was looking cleaner with the minor hair cut and pressed suit. He adjusted his glasses before holding his arms open to me. 

"What? I really get nothing?"

"Hey, Nishio," I obliged, giving him a short embrace. He was still taller than me. 

"You look good, Kirishima," he ruffled the hair at my crown. "Buff."

"Thanks," I smoothed out my bangs. "Missed me?"

"Not particularly," he pursed his lips. "I had to get clean myself. We had fun and all, but it wasn't right."

"Usually the things, or...people I did weren't right. That was the best part, after all."

"I hope for Kaneki's sake you've changed."

"Not even for my own sake, huh?" My brow lifted and I crossed my arms over my chest. "I don't need your shit, Nishio. You didn't complain whenever I called you over and I doubt you'd even complain about it now."

"So you haven't changed," he smiled sentimentally, retrieving his beer and having a sip. Mine were still resting on the bar. "I never had a problem playing your game, Kirishima. That was my own, regrettable mistake. And it will never happen again."

I chuckled to myself. "No shit. Kaneki is...he's everything to me. I'd never hurt him again."

"I suppose maybe you have changed," he shrugged, unimpressed.

"It wasn't easy. I basically needed to have it beaten into me."

"I don't doubt that."

"And how's your changes? Where's the girl?"

"Kimi," he corrected. "Sick. She couldn't make it."

"Shame," I clicked my tongue, stepping to the bar and retrieving the bottles. "Definitely bring her to the next one. I'm sure everyone will love her." 

"I appreciate that, Kirishima. I'll see you around."

He walked off before I could say anything else. That brought me...sorrow. Kaneki wasn't the only one who suffered at my hands. Nishiki was another. He overplayed that, though. He was just as willing to use me for sex as I was willing to use him for drugs. Of course he was my friend also, he'd listen to me bitch about Uta and all the others before eventually getting his own taste of me. I had to commend him, he was smart enough to never date me. He took my virginity when I was fifteen and I never looked back on my times with him. At the same time I couldn't forget him, either. We had probably fought more than all my boyfriends put together because he was constant and consistent. I know that deep down behind the sarcasm and pompous attitude, he cared about me. Liked me, even. Kimi was such a dull girl when I met her, I felt bad for him. Well, a lid for every pot. If he was content that was good enough for me. 

"See you around," I mumbled. 

I returned to Kaneki who was now deep into a conversation with Yamori at our table. 

"The very concept of fashion is misogynistic. Dressing up women in ridiculous outfits they'll never be able to afford, all to be gawked at by the male eye designing their clothes. It's sickening."

"Maybe once upon a time. But I can promise you there are more male models and female designers than you can count. Not to mention the countless models and designers I've met that were nonbinary, transgender or otherwise. It's a wide spectrum. It's also art, art for the artist and art for the non-artist. Something everyone should appreciate."

I set down his beer next to his hand without interrupting. He looked up at me anyway and smiled. 

"I didn't know you were such a feminist, Yamori," I tilted my head. 

"My mother homeschooled Naki and I until secondary school," Yamori grumbled. "You say it's something everyone should appreciate but I can't afford the clothes you're selling. Most people can't."

"I'm not selling anything, I run a magazine," Kaneki corrected, having a sip from his bottle. "I agree with you on that."

"You've certainly done well for yourself, Kaneki. But I didn't expect you to have the most cliché job in the world. A gay man working at a fashion house."

"Magazine."

"Same thing."

"Well, that's where you're very, very wrong, Yamori. Allow me to explain the difference."

Once Kaneki rested his hands on the table I knew that was my time to retreat. With the music playing there were plenty of guests dancing and laughing. With the food out many were just talking and eating. I found myself drifting to the exit where I was sure to find some silence. 

Outside there was a small runway and railing leading to the parking lot. Instead of finding silence I found Naki and Rize sitting on the railing together, giggling as a joint was passed around by Urie. Our eyes met and it looked like for a moment he wanted to smile but didn't. He just hit his weed instead. 

"Ayato-kun!" Naki waved me over. 

I walked over, hands in my pockets. 

"A lovely event, really," Naki grinned with glossy eyes. 

"Completely. I cried like a baby. Touka looks so beautiful," Rize rubbed at her reddened eyes under her frames. 

Urie, all to used to the stuff, looked at me with clear eyes. "It was nice."

"So what are you doing out here, handsome?" Rize smirked, swinging one of her dangling legs off the railing. She swirled her cocktail around in its little glass. "Kaneki must miss you inside."

"He's preoccupied with a philosophical disagreement at the moment. I came out here for some quiet. Instead I found you two."

Urie laughed at that, taking his time with his puffs. 

"Don't be rude," she leaped off the metal with grace, landing without a sound. Rize then took a few steps closer to me. "Or I might have to go in there and steal your boyfriend."

"You are welcome to try," I nodded once. "Like I said, he's busy at the moment. I'm not even going to attempt to pull him from his debate. He lives for that shit."

"That's a shame," she made her way before me. She wasn't drunk enough to smell the booze on her but buzzed enough to see it in her lagging eyes. "I wanted both of you at the same time."

Behind her Naki exclaimed at her crass statement, nearly falling off of the railing. He laughed between his puffs. As I looked down at the woman, I sincerely regretted flirting with her that one time at Tsukiyama's dinner party. My sad attempt to make Kaneki jealous was only good for one thing- him catching me high on tar. Which was inherently a good thing, even if I didn't recognize it at the time. And while I could thank Rize for that, I could've flirted with anyone and had the same effect. 

"Now, Rize," I put my hand below my chest, smiling as charming as possible. "I don't think you'd be able to handle us. I can be very demeaning, and Kaneki, well...he has his own way of doing things."

"I'm up for any and everything. Even if it's just watching," she tilted her head and smirked. 

"I'd pay to see," Naki coughed. 

"Get in line," Rize hissed, glancing over her shoulder momentarily. "So? What do you say?"

"Sorry," I shrugged. "Still waiting on my threesome with Cookie over there. You'll have to get in line behind him."

Rize crossed her arms and huffed out a breath, finally taking the hint. She strutted back inside, Naki trailing behind her giggling at her misfortune. I walked over to Urie who was now leaning on the railing. I stood beside him, the wind picking up to my delight. The fresh air felt good no matter how cold it was. I was able to take in air, my lung practically shaking from the movement. Urie passed me the j. I took it without thinking, really, inhaling heavily as the cherry burned. Inside it felt like something was ripping me apart, scratching against my wound trying to reopen it. As the smoke burned my throat I held my breath as to not have a coughing fit. Yomo told me very specifically not to smoke, no tobacco and no mary. It could cause infection. I took another small hit before passing it, now coughing along the way. 

"You alright?" Urie looked more than confused by my coughing. I just wasn't a cougher. 

The pain in my side simmered with heat, kicking me for slowing down the healing process for a quick buzz. But with that the pain wasn't so bad. My head and heart felt light. As I glanced to Urie I contemplated telling him of my attack, how I was stabbed and how I was saved. But he'd heard enough of my stories. If I wanted him as a friend, I couldn't lay all of my bullshit on him whenever I felt like. I had to start treating him as such. 

"Yeah," I held in another one. "It's just dry out here."

"I know you don't actually think you're getting a three-way."

"Look, I'm not ruling it out," I held my hands up. "Kaneki has probably had crazy orgy parties in that ridiculous apartment of his. Filled with liquor and male models and regret."

"Right. I've never met anybody so wrapped up in another person. I doubt he could have sex with someone else without feeling some sort of guilt towards you."

I hated when he was right, stumping me in my witty responses. 

"Eh, he always wanted to fuck you. I can tell these things," I shrugged. "That's why he let you kiss him in the first place."

Urie shook his head in remembrance, almost laughing. He exhaled smoke before running a hand through his hair. "Maybe. Maybe he felt bad for me."

"If you're not interested-"

"I never said that. You two are free to visit me whenever you like," he smirked, tapping the ash off of the joint. 

"He wasn't too angry to learn about...us."

"No shit," Urie sighed. "Because he's smart. He knows it was just sex. Dirty, nasty sex."

I rubbed the back of my neck, my cheeks going hot just from speaking about it. He had certainly tended to my masochistic side. 

"It doesn't matter anymore. Now that you're not chasing the dragon you and Kaneki can finally be together. The way you were always supposed to," he nodded once. "He did everything to ensure that."

He blew out more smoke, staring to nothingness. 

"About Mutsuki-"

"Ayato, don't."

"Please, let me," I faced him. "I know he was what you wanted...who you wanted. I'm sorry I had to go fuck it up for you with my stupid lies. I never wanted to hurt either of you. Especially him."

"It was my own fault," he shook his head, looking down. "He's happy now, he has a law enforcement job overseas. I don't know where or what. We usually don't stay on the phone for too long."

"You may think there's no point in trying, but you shouldn't give up," I rested my hands in my pockets. "If you love him. You don't have anything else to lose."

With that I retreated, leaving him with his thoughts. Nothing I say could really help. That was difficult to swallow, but not everything could be repaired. I had to forgive myself for the mistakes I've made, right wrong or indifferent. It was the only way I could live with myself. 

Back inside they had already began to cut the cake. People were passing around plates while conversing, digging into their sweets. The cake was three layers tall, complete with buttercream peonies and fresh strawberries. Vanilla, of course. I passed on my piece but had no problem watching Kaneki eat his. He'd take his time with his bites and every so often I'd steal the icing off his lips. He was my perfect distraction. I didn't even notice Touka poking around looking for me. But all the guests had gathered, and were waiting for the toast of the night. I ended up with a microphone in one hand and a glass of champagne in the other. I cleared my throat before speaking. 

"Hello."

The majority of the room responded back with a _hello_ or _hi,_ already chuckling. 

"I know most of you here, but for those of you who I don't; Touka is my big sister. I've known her my whole life and I don't know anyone else better. And that's because we're the same," I gave a small shrug with the statement, glancing at my sister's table. With everyone's eyes on me I pretended as if I was only talking to her. She smiled as I continued. "And we're both high maintenance. I never thought anyone would ever really have the patience for us. I remember discouraging her from even getting a boyfriend, telling her I'd steal them away from her in a second."

More collective laughter. 

"I guess I felt that no one could take care of you properly. Could love you and cherish you the way you needed to be. No, no one would ever be worthy of you. Mom and I would talk about it all the time. How loyal and good you are. How no one could match that," my lips tightened to a smile. "Mom had more faith than I did. 'She attracts the good type like me, because she looks like me.' That was another thing she'd always brag about. I, I, um..."

For a moment my throat swelled. It was impossible not to tear up looking at my sister. She was her spitting image, and I'm sure she wished she could smack me on the head because it was my doing that she wasn't here. I thought I could smell burning rubber, taste the ash on the back of my tongue.  That's when I felt something warm brush the back of my hand, Kaneki's fingertips gentle but reassuring. I glanced down at him in his seat and he smiled at me. The pressure in my chest released and I exhaled, regaining my breath. 

"I can tell you right now, our mother would've loved Hide to pieces," I shook my head, laughing, though my face was clearly tracked with tears. "She would've thought he was perfect for you, because he is. No matter how long it took me to realize that, I'm glad I did. Our entire family is lucky to have him. You can tell. When you look someone in the eyes and they tell you they love you and care about you, you can always tell if they truly mean it or not. Sometimes subconsciously. I've had my own struggles, I've had terrifying things happen to me and I would never understand why or how. I've also done terrifying things myself. Things I want to take back more than anything. But that's what life is. You can only go forward, and this is the most forward-looking couple I've ever seen in my life. They represent what's good about the future and what's good about love. What's good about the planet we live on. I forget all too often that if it weren't for my sister and Hide, through them I wouldn't have met Kaneki. And without him, well...ah. That's a speech for another day. I just wanted to thank you both for that. I love you guys."

As my sister wiped her tears with Hide's handkerchief he mouthed back the words. I sighed and wiped my own face with my sleeve. 

"That's enough crying. To the bride and groom," I lifted my glass. 

"To the bride and groom."

Everyone had their sip of champagne. 

"Alright," I wrapped it up. "Let's dance or some shit."

 

* * *

  

Everyone had already been partying for some time, but as the night began to slow down Karren asked over the mic that the guests clear the dance floor for the bride's dance with her father. I was more than glad Arata was here with her. As they danced to Karren's singing she laid her head on his shoulder. I watched with a smile, but out of the corner of my eye I saw Eto creep out, likely to the bathroom. This was my time to speak with her. I rose from my chair. 

"Where are you going?" Kaneki asked. 

"Bathroom. I've had two beers," I rolled my eyes at him, as if he should know this already. 

"Alright."

"If you wouldn't mind," I leaned over his chair a bit. "Hina's dad isn't here. I'm sure she'd love a dance." 

He gave me a nod. "You got it."

"I'll be right back," I kissed his cheek.

That would certainly keep him temporarily occupied. I hurried off to the bathroom, entering the woman's. 

At the mirror, Eto was applying some horrible shade of YSL liquid lipstick, a warm red to off balance the cool undertones of her skin. It made me cringe, but she paid me no mind as she continued to paint her lips. 

"I think if we throw a little lipstick on you you'd pass for a girl."

"You sound like my ex-boyfriend," I crossed my arms. 

"Only trying to help. You are breaking the law by being in here."

"And were you breaking the law when you took a fat line in the handicapped stall?"

Eto smiled thinly, finally turning around and showing her distorted pupils along with her perception. 

"Of course, you're much too manly now to pass. Too...chiseled." 

As she stepped forward I rolled my eyes. Once she was close enough, she slid her palms down my chest. 

"I had a crush on you once, you know."

"Mm."

"I thought you were hot. But from the way you spoke I also realized you were smart. You can say I have a thing for intelligent men."

"All the good it's done you. You should try women."

"Maybe one day. Hina is looking more and more...endowed these days. I bet she tastes like honey."

"I know you're not stupid," my jaw tightened. "You must have seen what Kaneki did. Yet you're still fucking with me."

"He doesn't have much time left, regardless," she shrugged. "And when I'm inevitably in charge, well, we'll see if I'm even interested in toying with you then."

"I know you're not stupid," I repeated. "He never wanted you in that seat. That's why we're standing here right now, you dummy. So I'm not here to talk about Arima. I'm here to tell you to back the fuck off."

"Aw," she frowned. "And I thought you liked playing games. I thought we could all have fun...together."

Was that the third offer today? Kaneki and I must've been the best-looking couple in existence. 

"I want you to listen carefully, Eto, because I won't say it again," I gently took her hands off of my body before looking to her eyes. "There are worse things than death. Kaneki had proved that to me time and time again, and I'm not just talking about Arima. You should look in the mirror again, but not to apply makeup. To really look at yourself, look _inside_ of yourself and ask; who am I? I don't think you know yourself. You're a product of your environment, a lousy pawn on the board of his twisted chess game. Like Ihei. He may have taken care of you, but you don't owe him anything. Find yourself, Eto. Write and make your art. I know you're not this cold and uncaring person you're pretending to be. Because I'd hate to have to take action against you. My relationship with him is one of the most important things in my life, and if you try to get in the way again I will subtact you from the equation completely. Do you understand?"

Her mouth was sealed shut with anger, but she knew I was right. She couldn't even argue, because she knew she had nothing now. I patted her shoulder before leaving her in the bathroom. 

On the way out I ran into Yomo again, who looked more than confused to see me coming out of the girl's room. 

"Don't ask," I waved him off. 

"I just wanted you to know I'm heading out."

"What was that before? With my father?"

Yomo shook his head, looking down. "I know Arata quite well, it's true. I promise you, Ayato-kun, I'll tell you one day, alright? Tonight is not that night."

He secured his hand on my shoulder. I pushed it off and opted for a hug instead.

"I believe you."

Yomo patted my back before releasing me. "Thank you. I'll see you later, kid. Tell Kaneki goodbye for me." 

Alone again, I headed to him. He was seated alone at a table, spinning an empty champagne glass by its rim. As I walked over I was stopped by a small tug on my sleeve. I turned around to see it was Hina, smiling and offering me a tube of lip balm. 

"Thought you might need this. It's pretty dry outside."

Pressing my lips together now, they were fairly cracked. I took the cherry chapstick, giving her a hug. When was she not looking out for me? 

"I love you."

"I love you too, Ayato-kun," she rubbed my back before easing away. "Tonight was very nice."

"It was," I popped open the tube. "And it's going to get better." 

"I'm sure," she smiled at me as I smoothed the product over my lips. "But I have to be heading back now. With the shop opening in a few days I have some things to set in order. I don't want Touka stressing over anything."

"She won't be here for the opening?"

"Unfortunately. But your father is helping to run it while she's on her honeymoon. Him and his silver-haired friend."

How my father was able to convince Yomo to help him run the shop with Hina was beyond me. It'd be funny to see him stuck behind a counter in that uniform. 

"I'm free to help anytime you need it as well," I smiled and passed her the balm. "My shitty little sister." 

"Pft," she whacked my shoulder. "I know you'll be busy traveling all over the place with your boyfriend."

"I don't know about all that. He's always busy from what I've seen, I'll be stuck in his giant apartment painting. Which is not bad at all."

"I already caught him buying tickets to Shanghai," she smiled, reveling in this information. "I don't think he wants you in the same corner for too long. An artist needs to see the world, after all." 

My heartrate picked up. I did want to see everything, experience everything with him. And he wanted to give me that. I had no issue staying in New York, traveling, or even staying to help with the café. If I was with him I was more than content. And this news of him wanting to take me around the world made my stomach twist up like the butterflies were trying to escape. 

"Thank you, Hina," I brushed my thumb over her nose. "I'll see you later."

"Yes you will."

As I resumed to walk over, the lights went low again and Karren was at the mic to announce the bride and groom's final dance of the evening. My sister and Hide were already at the floor, arms around one another and swaying. They looked peaceful. I smiled before joining Kaneki at the table.  He was watching them dance as well, as the rest of the party was.

"Hey there," he greeted.

I leaned in and kissed his cheek. "Hey."

"They look happy," he looked down before diverting his eyes back to mine.  

"Don't they?" I rose from the chair, offering him my hand. "Maybe it's because they're dancing. I know it's not you're favorite thing, but you should try it once and a while."

"I don't think it's because they're dancing," he laughed, taking my hand regardless. 

"Sure it is," I helped him to his feet. "They're basically just publicly groping each other. Let's give the people what they wanna see."

"You're ridiculous," he mumbled as I pulled him to the dance floor. Others had already joined in with the bride and groom. Hinami and Naki, Eto and Urie. I even saw Rio slow-dancing with Saiko. 

We took our places, the center of the floor. 

"I never did learn how to dance..."

"You danced with Hinami, right? Slow-dancing is easy. Just hold onto me," I took his waist in both my hands, easing him closer. He ran his hands up my chest before securing them around my shoulders. Slowly he leaned in, immediately resting his head against my chest as we moved. I kissed his hair. 

"How's this?" 

"Perfect," I muttered, feeling my eyes slip shut. 

The music was relaxing, a soft melody that went in one ear and out the other. The rest of the outside noise began to fade, silence to my ears. All I could sense were his arms around me. In this moment that's all I wanted to know, to recognize. He was here in my arms and I had no intention of ever letting go again. So we swayed and danced amongst the low lighting. Every so often he'd look up for a kiss, staring until I'd give him one before returning to my shoulder. We didn't talk much. Time didn't seem to pass. We kept close and I felt his heart beat against mine. 

 

* * *

 

"I don't like where this is going..."

"What do you mean?" 

"Either we're getting into some mischief on the top floor or you bought a room that's over-priced." 

"Well, only one of those is incorrect. I didn't pay for anything. It was a gift from Goldielocks," he waved something in front of me as we walked to the end of the hall. It must've been a hotel key.

"They didn't-"

"Come on. Don't spoil it," he pulled on my hand. 

The last room had white double doors. It read 'Honeymoon Suite' in cursive on a tiny gold plaque. Ayato remained silent as he unlocked the door with the key card. Once it was opened we walked inside together. 

The size was astounding. I'd seen my fair share of luxury hotels, but this one was different. It felt homey. The room was complete with a king-sized bed, a resting area with a couch and dining table, and a full kitchen with a mini stove and fridge. The walls were white, of course, but the carpeting and curtains were a deep red, casting the entire room in an off-pink glow. Candles had already been lit at the dining table, flickering away beside a rose bouquet, chilled champagne and chocolate-covered strawberries. I immediately _oohed,_ hurrying over to the bed to feel the designer comforter's fabric. The bed was a few shades of red as well, the fabric soft and embroidered with gold. A light red canopy draped the bed in secrecy. But no heart-shaped pillows. That'd be a bit much. 

At the wall off to the side there was an aquarium, large enough to reach the ceiling and nearly cover the space it was offered. Ayato was immediately drawn to this area. He kicked off his shoes and walked over. As he spectated I removed my shoes as well. I walked over to the table, peering at the goodies. There was a small note that read: 'For Hide and Touka Nagachika, Congratulations!'

I chose to bring over the strawberries, joining him as he sat down on the carpeting. I watched as his eyes followed the swimming fish, reflecting the blue light of the water. 

"Did you have fun tonight?" I asked. 

"Yeah," he smiled, looking to me at the sound of my voice. "I was able to catch up with a few people. Squash some beefs, get a few threesome offers."

"Oh god," I rolled my eyes, picking up a berry. 

"Come on. It wouldn't be a normal night if at least one person didn't ask to fuck us simultaneously."

I laughed at that, shaking my head. He joined in, chucking as he scooted closer to me. We shared a strawberry, me taking the first bite, him taking the second and so on. 

"And how's your side feeling?"

"I don't feel a thing," he continued to look into my eyes. 

I pressed our lips together, he was already close. He took my neck and ran his thumb along the bone of my jaw. He tasted incredibly sweet, the flavor of chocolate still lingering on his tongue. He glided with grace, kissing me slow. So slow as if he'd never have the chance to do this again, so he'd have to savor it. My heart beat against my chest with fervor, terrified at the thought. He seemed to recognize this, laying his palm against my chest. Now my arms were around his neck as I deepened the kiss, tilting my head and melting into his mouth. He laid me down against the floor.

"For years I've thought about the ways I could properly thank you," he began, laying down so our faces were close. "I always came up short. What to get the man that has everything?"

"Everything but what I wanted..." I mumbled.

"And here I am," he smiled briefly. "Since I first laid eyes on you I knew I didn't deserve you. One look and I thought 'I'm going to rock his entire world and fuck his brains out. I'm going to hurt him. It can't be avoided.'"

"Why do you think I wanted to wait? So you couldn't do that to me."

"Yes. Because you're smart. And I always thought I was smart, but you were able to teach me the things I was too stubborn to teach myself. I...I needed you. Subconsciously I knew. And I was terrified," his voice went lighter, water pricking at his eyes. 

"I know, Ayato-kun," I ran my palm along the violet, afflicted skin on his cheek. 

"My thoughts always came back to you when I was finally sober. I remembered everything you said. That it wasn't my fault. She wanted me to live. She wants me to live my life and be happy in it. You always believed in me. You believed I was strong enough to overcome that, the heroin. You believed in my art from day one. You always knew, didn't you? That I would be okay?"

"Yes," I smiled as I nodded, searching his midnight eyes. They almost seemed to glow under the red light. "Of course I knew that. I never would've given up on you, Ayato-kun, and I never will. I'm here for you. Always." 

"I know you are," he looked across my face, gently brushing my bangs from my forehead. Ayato kissed my lips again, and as my eyes shut I felt a single tear run down my cheek. This was almost euphoric; this sensation, this setting, this person. And we still had everything to explore and experience together. My life would be amazing simply because Ayato was in it. I never had a dull moment with him. It seemed we were both in the right place at the right time. 

Our lips severed and he laid down beside me. We watched the fish swim around, starfish dancing in circles and hermit crabs scattering across the faux sea floor. It housed every color, even the coral flowed with the water. I understood why Ayato loved these so much. They were so lively and free, it was entertaining to watch. That's why I booked the first flight of ours to Shanghai, so I could take him to their ocean aquarium. But that was a surprise. As I looked to my side to share this with him, I realized he hadn't been watching the fish. He had been watching me watch them swim as I became all giddy from the sight. There was a slight smile on his lips, his blue eyes touched with a familiar yet comforting sentiment. He reached out his cold, scarred hand and laid it over mine.

"I'm so glad I let you in."


End file.
